Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How are you all doing? Congratulations to Coldplay on playing perfect background music during the montage of unembarrassing Super Bowl halftime shows. Puppy monkey baby! Independence Day sequel! Opiate induced constipation! When you hear these words, only one thing comes to mind: Football? Yes, the ads are a big part of the Super Bowl spectacle. But there's also Beyonce, Coldplay, Bruno Mars, and some type of football game. The Panthers put their near-perfect season against the experience Peyton Manning brought to the Broncos, and in the end, experience beat dabbing, 24-10. The Panthers kept it close, but trailed the entire game. Of all the Super Bowl commercials that aired yesterday, the Doritos one has got to be the most polarizing. The ad, which shows a pregnant mom getting an ultrasound of her apparently full-term baby while her schlub of a husband just stands there eating Doritos (ugh, men! So typical!), is making some people laugh hysterically and others cringe eternally. The husband, way more interested in his Doritos than in the human baby his long-suffering wife has created within her body, notices that the baby seems to reach for the Dorito in his hand whichever direction he moves it. The wife, after asking the doctor, "Do you see what I have to deal with?" (haha women be hatin' their husbands!), grabs the Doritos and tosses the bag clear across the room and, yep, you guessed it, the baby follows. Whether or not the commercial legitimately upsets, grosses out or offends anyone, it's certainly got a lot of people talking about Doritos, and whether or not they might cause a spontaneous abortion.
Eli and Peyton Manning come from a long and illustrious football family, and even though they play for different teams... but that doesn't mean Eli necessarily looked thrilled as his older brother Peyton tied him for number of Super Bowl rings Sunday night. In fact, his face betrayed literally no emotion whatsoever, which was a hilarious enough face to have racked up millions of views on Vine in by midnight on Super Bowl Sunday. Look, in all likelihood, Eli was just in his own head... caught up with pride and emotion, recalling his own victories, and generally Somewhere Else besides in the moment. It doesn't mean he didn't look kinda dumb (it's a family tradition). Eli is still my favorite.
Daryush “Roosh” Valizadeh, who advocates "legal rape" and had been planning men's rights rallies last week, lives alone in his mom's basement. Roosh had to cancel multiple men's rights rallies last week (which were scheduled in several countries) after receiving threats of violence against him and anyone who attended the events, despite his previous promises that he would not cancel them. Roosh gained attention after suggesting in a blog post that rape could be "legal" if it occurred on private property. He peddles these beliefs on his website, Return of Kings, which advocates "...the return of the masculine man in a world where masculinity is being increasingly punished and shamed..." The planned rallies and subsequent backlash gained Roosh more attention, specifically by people that were pissed off. It was these threats of violence against him that alerted people to Roosh's living arrangements. Roosh called the police after receiving death threat calls at home, and apparently home is his mom's basement. All the negative attention caught the eye of the hacking group Anonymous, which released his personal information and address. And, in today's realities of Internet vigilantism, this means people are going to continue to harass him. But not all hope is lost for Roosh, since some nut job offered him free board and armed protection. The Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. Leaders of "organizations" like these are rarely quite what they seem, and contradictions to their reputations are frequently revealed. In addition to learning he lives in his mom's basement, it's a safe bet you'll later see Roosh discretely exiting a movie theater this summer after checking out the all-female reboot of Ghostbusters.
Why talk about the issues facing the country at this unique moment in the millennium when you can make the discourse about slip-ups and memes instead? Chelsea Clinton, former First Daughter currently running to resume the role, accidentally referred to Bernie as "President Sanders," which is embarrassing because he's competing against her mom. She tried to recover with a quick, "Excuse me, I hope not President Sanders!" But... could it be a Freudian Slip? Is Chelsea trying to get back at her mom for a time she didn't let her throw a party in the White House as a teenager? Is she secretly a Republican? Let's discuss this instead of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, whatever that is.
Remember how "Playboy" announced last year that it would be dropping nude photos from its magazine and website? It finally followed through a few days ago, publishing its first PG-13 issue since it debuted in 1953 with a centerfold of a topless Marilyn Monroe. What does that mean in frank terms? Boobs and privates are out, butts are still a-okay. The new centerfold model... actress Dree Hemingway, Ernest's great-granddaughter... still appears naked in the gorgeous, racy images, but with arms and legs artfully arranged to, um, keep something to the imagination. In a few images, her bottom is visible, but nothing more. (Sorry that news outlets are breaking this down so explicitly, Hemingway, but your body is officially newsworthy!). The images of Hemingway are apparently un-retouched, so at very least "Playboy" is still upholding its ideal of making other women feel inadequate.
Dad Stuart Valentino went on the TV show "Bodyshockers" to have his penis tattoo lasered off. No, it's not a tattoo on his penis, it's a tattoo of a penis that he gave himself on the inside of his thigh while drunk one night last year. Great job, buddy! Because you know what they say, a man can never have too many dicks. Valentino, a lorry ... that means truck... driver from Portsmouth, told "The Mirror" that he "didn't realize how [the tattoo] would hinder" his life. Valentino's wife reportedly left him because of the tattoo, after realizing that for the rest of their lives together he'd never be able to go swimming with her and their children on holiday (vacation). He stated, "It's the worst thing I've ever done and I'm not going to be a proper dad or husband until it's gone." And maybe not even then. Valentino's 17-year-old son told "The Mirror," "It's not funny, it's quite awkward to be around, he's just a pleb." The thing about getting tattoos removed, though, is that it hurts WAY more than getting them in the first place. So this one's going to be a real pain in the dick (what? That's an expression, right? Maybe in England?) either way. Best of luck, Stuart... you're going to need it. In so many ways.
So, have you watched that Netflix show "Making a Murderer"? I haven't yet, but after I saw this ad for it I should start watching it today...
Ha. Speaking of Star Wars... one thing I didn't like about the new movie was the product placement that did not really make sense.
I guess that's how Rey learnt about the Jedi and everything. Alright, I'm not a big fan of graffiti, but there's some graffiti that isn't all that bad...
True thugs know how to spell. So, did you see Bernie Sanders' new campaign poster?
I kinda like it. Oh, by the way, this is not me...
But it could be. Okay, that's enough Star Wars references for this entry. So, I love hot dogs, and I love Disney, so that's why I think Disney should sell Disney Dogs in the parks. Like this one...
Ingenius, right? In the last few entries I have been showing you some pics why why presidential candidates really shouldn't pose with kids. Like this one...
"She's still behind me, isn't she?"
Several Los Angeles elementary school teachers wanted their students to carry portraits of these three black people during a parade last year.
They were removed from their classrooms. Sure, RuPaul could be worthy of a parade but maybe not this one. Let us know of other people you think are important to remember not to celebrate this February.
Last Thursday, Officer Marcus Montgomery of the Fort Walton Beach Police Department responded to a routine call at the Panhandle Animal Welfare Society (PAWS), where he spotted a puppy he couldn't forget. When Montgomery laid eyes on the puppy, which had been abandoned behind the shelter the night before, he pretty much knew the dog was going home with him. "As soon as I saw him, I said ‘don't bring him in here or else I will take him home right now.'" The nature of the dog's wintertime abandonment was what did Montgomery in. "The supervisor explained to me that he was left all alone in a box behind their building overnight. During that time, we were achieving 30 and below weather, so just thinking about him out there all alone, probably so confused, broke my heart. I've heard him whine and cry, and just imagining him in that box by himself, tugged at my heart terribly." Montgomery named the puppy Kylo, a fitting name since his other dog is named Vader. (In addition to being a push-over, Montgomery is a also huge Star Wars nerd.) Here are Kylo and Vader, resting in their Jedi temple...
The shelter probably tried to quickly round up any old dogs that could be named Yoda or cuddly ones that looked like Wicket the Ewok. Anything to get more dogs transitioned into a loving home on the light side of the Force.
Clarence Thomas is a U.S. Supreme Court justice who treats the Constitution like his own personal Coke can.
The 45th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Me: Welcome back to the Phile, Jeff. How have you been?
Jeff: Hey, Jason! Always great to be back on the Phile!
Me: Okay, everybody thought the Panthers would win... I'm glad they didn't. I don't like Scam Newton. Were you surprised the Broncos won?
Jeff: The way the Panthers played all season it was hard to imagine they wouldn't win. You could tell Cam was nervous, considering some of his early passes. I like Newton a lot. I was surprised, but Denver had such a great defense all year I knew it would be a struggle.
Me: I thought they were gonna give Peyton the MVP but he didn't really do a whole lot. Who did you think would get it?
Jeff: Peyton didn't deserve to win MVP. It was all about the defense all game. I think they got it right with Von Miller. Two sacks, a forced fumble that led to a touchdown. No, he should have gotten it.
Me: What was your favorite part about the game?
Jeff: Of the game itself?
Jeff: I would have to say when James Stewart flew into the end zone for Carolina's only touchdown. Wheeeeeeeeeh! I also really enjoyed the pre-show where they brought out all the Super Bowl MVPs of the last 49 years. I thought that was amazing!
Me: I missed the pre-show. I have to ask, did you have a favorite commercial?
Jeff: Best commercial was by the Ant-Man vs Hulk over a mini can of Coke. Is it shameful promotion? Yes. But then again isn't all advertising. I also liked the Dame Judi Dench commercial about drunk driving. And the movie ads were great. Even the Turkish airlines flying to Gotham and Metropolis.
Me: Yeah, I wonder of that Hulk and Ant-Man thing was canon. Okay, I did not like the halftime show. I don't like Coldplay... I have no idea why they were picked. Did you like it?
Jeff: Nope. I wasn't a fan of the half time show. When I think half time, I think a rocking good time. No offense to Coldplay but they are emo most of the time. I bet that's what the problem was for the offenses. Coldplay put them to sleep. Bruno Mars is okay, but he was just there two years ago. And I'm sure I will get some slack for this but I am not a fan of Beyonce.
Me: I don't like her either. I think this was Peyton's last game... do you?
Jeff: Yeah, I agree. I think it's his last game. He did everything he could to dodge that question after the game, but why not go out on top? His career is stellar. He doesn't need to play another year.
Me: Alright, this sucks, but I have to officially congratulate you for winning the again this season, Jeff.
Jeff: Thank you. I'm glad I won. I mean no offense. All though in fairness you actually had more picks correct than I did. I only won thanks to the Steelers having a better record than the Giants.
Me: Rub it in. Haha. Thanks for a great season and I'll chat with you soon.
Jeff: I'm sure I will be back before next season. At least I hope? No! You can't make me leave! Get security off me! I'll sue! Fine... I'll go. Sigh.
Okay, this is pretty cool. Today's guest is the drummer for the New York City punk band Nap whose latest album "Every Room" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Patrick Glass!
Me: Patrick! Holy shit! I can't believe I am interviewing you for the Phile! How are you?
Patrick: Jason! I can't believe it either, I'm great and I love this!
Me: Okay, so I have known you since you were like seven... your mom as you know used to work for my parents as a mothers helper when my sister Leila was born. Do you have a picture of us when you were a kid, Pat? I am sure you do! If so, I wanna see it.
Patrick: I know it exists, I can recall it vaguely in my mind, but I'll have to scour some photo albums at my parent's house to find it. I remember that one or both of us were wearing Back to the Future shirts. Probably both of us.
Me: I do vaguely as well. I remember taking you to that comic book shop in Port Jeff which is no longer there. Do you still read comics?
Patrick: I actually went to school for comics at SVA! I usually stop into Desert Island in Brooklyn to discover neat and weird new stuff, I read "Akira" constantly, and I have a short list of artists who's work I seek out regularly.
Me: So, I have to ask... DC or Marvel?
Patrick: Tough call. I think Marvel's universe is richer and makes more sense (I can't keep track of the parallel universes in DC), but Batman almost makes up for all of that. Almost.
Me: I am a Marvel fan myself. You are also a Star Wars fan if I remember. What did you think of the last movie?
Patrick: I left the theater imbued with a new hope. I think The Force Awakens fixed a lot of things that had gone wrong from the middle of Return of the Jedi on, and managed to be a very original film even with the story clearly being built on the skeleton of A New Hope. Set, ship, and costume design were on point, which were a major factor in making it feel right. I also loved the diversity in cast, not just in leading roles, but everywhere. The X-wing fleet included women and aliens, female Stormtroopers, and so on. It's important for a film this huge to make inclusion like that feel normal.
Me: Okay, let's talk about your band Nap. Now, I have to admit, when I was at your parents house in December (I still wanna see those pictures) you were talking about the band and showing t-shirts... I did not think to ask of you were releasing any music but this new album "Every Room" is not the bands first, is it?
Patrick: It's not our first, we released another EP called "Light Sleeper" earlier in 2015. So far, everything we've released has been on cassette, because it's a great and pretty little object, it's cheap, and I happen to have an industrial tape duplicator.
Me: Is it N.A.P. or Nap? iTunes has it spelt N.A.P. If so, what does N.A.P. mean?
Patrick: It is Nap, I need to have a talk with iTunes to straighten this out. It is an acronym, though.
Me: What does it stand for then?
Patrick: Nap stands for Nate, Andy, Pat. Not in size order.
Me: Have you been in the band since the beginning, Pat?
Patrick: Nap has so far had a 0% turnover rate.
Me: You play drums... I used to play drums but stopped. I am a quitter... anyway, how long have you been playing drums?
Patrick: I started about 20 years ago, and started and stopped a lot of times. I started playing more frequently about 10 years ago to record some crummy demos by myself. I only ended up playing drums in Nap because I was slightly better than the other two at it. The fact that I simply had to made me get a lot better.
Me: What made you learn that instrument? Did you take lessons?
Patrick: I started taking drum lessons with books and counting and all that when I was around 10 years old, I think. I took lessons for a year or two, and then stopped.
Me: What did your parents think when you told them you wanted a drum set?
Patrick: I think it was their idea? They were happy because they thought it would be an outlet that would make me stop drumming all the time on the kitchen table, counter, chairs, etc. They were wrong.
Me: So, has your parents and siblings seen you in concert? What did they think?
Patrick: Brother, sister and father have all seen Nap, and apparently it went very well and they liked it very much and thought I was very cool.
Me: Your parents have a good taste in music, Pat. Do you? What bands did you listen to growing up?
Patrick: We listened to a lot of Beatles growing up, but there was a lot of other stuff mixed in. Neil Young, Bruce, Foghat obviously, but I also began to develop my own taste very young. I was 9 when Green Day's "Dookie" came out, and after a lot of protest, my parents let me buy it. About 10 years later, my dad was buying the whole family tickets for a Green Day concert. It's been a two-way street.
Me: So, who are your influences?
Patrick: Beat-wise, weird and solid stuff has always attracted me. Karp, Pissed Jeans, Glassjaw and Q and not U have a lot of unconventional and interesting beats, and even when they are conventional, they still have their own flavor and they are solid as hell.
Me: I never heard of any of those bands. Haha. Nap is not the only band you're in, am I right? What other bands are you in, Pat? Are they the same kinda music?
Patrick: I'm also presently drumming for The Echo Friendly, an indie rock band that has a record coming out some time this year. I also sometimes play drums for Jake Vest when he plays live. Both acts can be found on Spotify and iTunes.
Me: So, I know you play out in Brooklyn, but do you play on the Island as well?
Patrick: Not yet, but we played WUSB Stony Brook Radio (wusb.fm) on the 5th! We've actually played Philadelphia more than we've played Long Island.
Me: Alright, so, how did "Every Room" get to be the album title and not "Every Room in New York" which is the song title?
Patrick: I think we liked the simplicity of that as an EP title, and as words on an EP's cover art.
Me: Who designed the logo and album cover, Pat? I think you did, am I right?
Patrick: Actually, Nate Cepis, the "N" of Nap, is a graphic designer at ad agency Mother New York.
Me: There's a song on the album called "Floyd Bennett Field." Who is Floyd Bennett and is that a real place?
Patrick: Floyd Bennett was a pilot who claimed to have made the first flight to the North Pole in 1926. Later he admitted that he got lost and just flew around in circles, but they still named a field after him! It's an old airfield in South Brooklyn that is now a park, and Andy thinks it's a great place to spend a day with friends and barbecue.
Me: So, what's next for Nap and yourself, Patrick?
Patrick: We're about to make shows sparse, and spend more time writing new stuff! We're saving up to record and release some vinyl later this year, probably 4 songs. As for myself, I've got many many plans, most of which won't pan out, which is fine because I don't have that kind of time anyway. My friends have a little studio set up in their basement, so we'll see what comes out of that.
Me: Very cool. Alright, go ahead and mention your band camp website if you'd like.
Patrick: We've got our album up at napny.bandcamp.com/ for listening and downloading, and we're also on Spotify with our name spelled right, and iTunes with our name spelled wrong.
Me: Tell the rest of the Glass family I say hello, and Sam and I hope to see you in April if we go back to New York. Take care and be good.
Patrick: Looking forward to April, and hopefully I'll get down to Florida sometime soon! I'll take care, and you go ahead and be good as well.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and Patrick Glass. The Phile will be back on Sunday, which is Valentine's Day, with singer-songwriter Kate Brown. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker