Monday, March 23, 2015

Pheaturung Lonesome Wyatt From Those Poor Bastards

Hello, and welcome back to the Phile for a Monday. How are you? Last night I went to Mardi Gras and I might've drank a little too much. I'm not saying I have a hangover but if I did it's just God's way of saying I kicked ass last night. Okay, let's start with the news.  An employee of Florida's environmental protection department is claiming that he was forced to receive a mental health evaluation and go on a leave of absence after he made reference to climate change in a report concerning the proposed Keystone XL Pipeline, thus violating Governor Rick Scott's unwritten prohibition of mentioning unseemly realities of life in his administration.  Apparently, we're not even allowed to watch people make delicious butter-filled foods on television anymore. According to a new study published in Appetite, people who regularly regularly watch cooking shows on television and also cook for themselves had higher body mass indexes than people do not watch those shows but do cook for themselves. It seems that the best option is to not watch any cooking shows and use that time instead to finish off another container of Mint Oreos. I watch cooking shows the same way I slow danced in middle school. I'm into it until things get hard. Here's some great news... Actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is reportedly producing and starring in a film adaptation of Jim Henson's television series "Fraggle Rock." If you're old enough to be excited by that news, then this movie is probably not being made for you.  The Federal Aviation Administration has given Amazon an "experimental airworthiness certificate" to test their proposed flying delivery drones, so please enjoy these last few moments of blue sky outside your window. Before you know it, it'll all just be an undulating black cloud of buzzing robots, and the Earth shall fall into darkness. On the plus side, you'll get your humping dog USB toy really quickly. By the way, my new life goal is to be first person beheaded by an Amazon drone.  According to a new study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, people who watch pornography for at least two hours a week actually had a higher sex drive and and stronger desire to perform with their partners than those who did not. So, for the sake of your relationship, you should probably get down to business right about now.  After superstar fashion designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana made the perplexing and idiotic decision to alienate the gay community by spouting a bunch of retrograde bigotry about gay adoption to the Italian press, Elton John... who has two adopted children with his husband led the charge to boycott their products. However, the iconic musician may need a refresher course in the rules of boycotting, as, less than one day later, he was photographed on the street with a Dolce & Gabbana shopping bag. And I have proof...

That does it... starting 46 years ago I am no longer buying any Dolce & Gabbana clothes.  The U.S. Secret Service wants to spend $8 million to build an exact replica of the White House in order to practice protecting the real White House. This will be a "more realistic environment, conducive to scenario-based training exercises," according to Secret Service director Joseph P. Clancy. It will also be a place where they can hone their drunk driving skills without fear of running over the First Lady.  Sarah, this is for you... "The Walking Dead" creator Robert Kirkman opened up about the zombie apocalypse show's upcoming spinoff at SXSW last weekend, explaining that while the new show will begin as a prequel, representing the early days of how zombies killed off black characters, it will eventually catch up with the current timeline in order to show how zombies continue to kill off black characters in a different part of the nation. "The Walking Dead" spinoff should have an all-black cast so you're not sure who's going to die next.  So, like I said, last night I went to Universal Studios... I went on their Simpson's ride for the first time and I was so happy they added me.

Haha. I'm just kidding. That's not me... or is it?  The last few entries I have been showing you some pictures of Obama hanging out with Kim Jong-Un. Or are they? Haha.

Alright, I'll tell you the truth. Reggie Brown is perhaps America's most successful Obama impersonator, and he's had longer to prepare than anyone else... he's originally from Chicago, and he said way back in 2001 someone told him he looked like "some guy named Barack" a friend played basketball with at a local gym. Much less is known (appropriately) about "Kim Jong Um," a British Kim Jong Un impersonator who claims to be the only professional one around. On a purely physical basis, it's unlikely many other people could compete, anyway. These two got together in LA last month for three reasons: to cement world peace, to see the sights, and to get into an Oscar party. I wonder if there are 47 Republican senator impersonators out there (yeah, they're in Congress! Zing!) pretending to mess up negotiations with an Ayatollah Khamenei impersonator.  And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, here is...

Phive Things You Can Say To Start A Conversation About Race With Your Starbucks Barista.
5. I'm here to talk about race and get something to help me poop.
4. Tell the truth, do all the customers look the same to you?
3. I hate you for your youth... not your race.
2. Talk to me about race, white suburban teen. I dare you.
And the number one thing you can say to start a conversation with your Starbucks barista is...
1. Am I pronouncing "grande" correctly?

I think I'm gonna be sick. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, before we continue I have to mention something I was just talking about in the opening monologue... porn. Yeah, I was thinking about that story I mentioned earlier. Keeping with the long tradition of scientific studies that help us justify our vices, UCLA researchers Nicole Prause and James Pfaus have shown that watching porn does not cause men to have a lower sex drive when they're with a partner. Hear that, everyone? Science just gave us the okay to watch dirty movies! Yay science! Okay, the study's not quite that rah-rah, tits-tits, bang-bang. But it did show that subjects that watched porn... aka "visual sexual stimuli" or VSS were more likely to want to bone their partners. Or, as the abstract for the study more politely put it, "More hours viewing VSS was related to stronger experienced sexual responses to VSS in the laboratory, was unrelated to erectile functioning with a partner, and was related to stronger desire for sex with a partner." If your sex life is meh, this unfortunately doesn't mean that watching porn will automatically fix things in the bedroom (or kitchen, or wherever you do it). Rather, it more likely indicates that people who have higher sex drives watch more porn. Okay, that's all I am gonna say about it. Now should we watch Sex Gondola 7 or New Places to Put Your Dick?

Pornhub is a video sharing website specializing in 2-3 minute clips of what you should try and remember used to be someone's little girl.

The 36th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum and author Jim Korkis will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's guest is the lead singer of the duo Those Poor Bastards whose new CD "Vicious Losers" is available on iTunes. And on April 21st "Bad Omen" his next CD with Phile Alum Rachel Brooks comes out. Please welcome to the Phile... Lonesome Wyatt.

Me: Hello, sir, welcome to the Phile. How are you? Should I call you Lonesome or Wyatt? 

Wyatt: Any combination of Lonesome and/or Wyatt is fine.

Me: My dad was Lonesome Dave, and you are Lonesome Wyatt. Where did your nick name come from? My dad was a big fan of the blues, and I am guessing you are as well.

Wyatt: I like the old blind acoustic blues singers like Blind Willie Johnson and Blind Blake. I was born Lonesome.

Me: I have to ask you about the other member of Those Poor Bastards, Wyatt, the Minister he calls himself. Does he always wear a hood?

Wyatt: Yes, he does.

Me: How did you two meet?

Wyatt: It must remain a mystery.

Me: And who named your band Those Poor Bastards? Are you really poor and a bastard? My new  band should be called Not Doing Too Bad Arsehole.

Wyatt: We both named it and are both poor bastards.

Me: You guys are from Madison, Wisconsin, is that right? Have you lived there all your life? Are you a Packers fan?

Wyatt: I grew up in the country around here. I hate sports.

Me: So, Wyatt, I first heard of you guys when your first EP "Country Bullshit" came out a few years ago. I gather you're not a big fan of modern day country music, is that right?

Wyatt: It's terrible.

Me: And I just downloaded your album "Vicious Losers." I love the new album, Wyatt, how would you compare it to the first EP?

Wyatt: Well hopefully it has progressed a little from the first CD and become a bit more desperate and unbearable.

Me: You don't record on modern technology, at least it doesn't sound like you do. I like the old 30s sound you guys make.

Wyatt: Thanks. We like things to sound broken and used.

Me: Wyatt, you played with a few other bands, and I have to ask you about one guy you played and recorded with, Hank Williams 3. When did you first meet, Wyatt?

Wyatt: I gave him our "Country Bullshit" CD after a show he played in Madison.

Me: He played on some of your stuff, right? Did you ever guest on any of his songs?

Wyatt: Yeah, he sings on the song "Swallowed By Sin" on "Satan is Watching," and we put out a 7" of him singing with us on Black Dog Yodel.

Me: Years ago I was supposed to interview him but his manager got pissed because I wanted to ask him about his dads friendship with Kid Rock so the interview never happened. Speaking of interviews, I interviewed a young lady named Rachel Brooke who you have recorded with on an album called "A Bitter Harvest" and the upcoming "Bad Omen" and she was the one who told me about you, so I guess you can thank her. She's the reason you are on the Phile, man. When did you first meet her?

Wyatt: We met on a tour a few years ago. She has a very distinct voice and unique songs, so I like her a lot. Uniqueness is sorely lacking in modern music, as well as society as a whole. We're about to leave for another tour in a few weeks, so hide your pets.

Me: Aside from Those Poor Bastards, you have a side project out under the name Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks. I downloaded the album "Moldy Basement Tapes" and like that as well. Who are the Holy Spooks and what does the Minister think of your other band?

Wyatt: That's just solo recordings. "Moldy Basement Tapes" was actually recorded way back around 1998 and I hope to revive that project very soon. The Minister is of course frightened.

Me: Wyatt, I know you have to go but thanks so much for being on the Phile, sir. Maybe next time I can have you and Rachel both here. Go ahead and plug your website and anything else you wanna. I wish you lots of luck, and looking forward to your next project. Maybe a live album?

Wyatt: Thanks, sir. Our website is Read books and watch out for Satan.

Me: Take care, and I hope to see you in Florida in concert sometime.

Wyatt: I hope to stay out of that place.

That was a very interesting interview. I don't really know what to say. Anyway, thanks to Lonesome Wyatt. I'll be in Pennsylvania this coming weekend so there's not gonna be any entries of the Phile that weekend. But the Phile will be back on April 4th with Phile Alum Jim Korkis. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. I'll see you back here in two weeks. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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