Hey there, kids, welcome to another entry of the Phile. How are you? Before we start I wouldn't be British if I didn't talk about this... I feel sorry for Prince George of Cambridge. He's had a year to enjoy the perks of being an only child, but Kate Middleton and Prince William just announced that they have another baby on the way. This means that not only will Georgie have to share his royal toys, but since his younger sibling will likely see him as nothing but a speed-bump to inheriting the throne, George will have to spend the rest of his life sleeping with one eye open to make sure the kid doesn't try and take a shortcut to greatness. Hopefully he bones up on his Shakespeare and doubles up the Royal Guard on duty around his crib. Let's talk about Apple, shall we? Immediately following U2's surprise performance at the iPhone 6 announcement at Apple's Cupertino, California headquarters, the Irish rock band's new album "Songs of Innocence" was automatically added to the iTunes libraries of Apple devices across the globe. Approximately 500 million customers in 119 countries were victimized in what will certainly be remembered as one of the most devastating and vapid computer viruses in history. Luckily or unluckily my iTuns library did not get the album. I don't know if I wanna be happy or sad. Speaking of Apple, here is some upsetting news... Nearly 13 years after it was originally released, Apple's classic iPod, otherwise known as that tiny little device that somehow contains every song you've ever owned, but which sits in your desk drawer because, really, who needs to carry around that much music?... is being discontinued. Do you kids like that Olive Garden? It took just a little more than an hour for the Olive Garden to completely sell out of its $100 Never Ending Pasta Passes, which allows customers to eat as much pasta as they like for seven entire weeks. I'm shocked. I had no idea that linguini was such a popular instrument of suicide. When Olive Garden's new 7-week $100 Never Ending Pasta offer ends, you begin the 7-week Never Ending Bowel Movement phase. That part's free. According to a new poll, a mere two percent of French women under the age of 35 say that they are willing to go topless on public beaches these days. How odd that this just so happens to coincide with people carrying tiny cameras with them everywhere they go, 24 hours a day. Talk about coincidences. When I read this story I thought to myself every beach can potentially be a topless beach if you don't have boobs and pretend you're foreign and a boy. This week ABC announced that actress Rosie Perez will be joining Rosie O'Donnell in the newest incarnation of "The View". With two Rosies on the show, this marks the largest influx of Rosies ever for the afternoon chat show. Even higher than 2006, Rosie O'Donnell was originally hired. Conservative political commentator Nicole Wallace will also be joining the all-female panel, though it is still unknown whether she will be allowed to keep her name as is. According to a new study, dogs receive a greater sense of gratification from physical acts of affection, such as petting and ear-scratching, than from verbal ones, like saying "Good boy" or "I love you." I'm not a scientist, but I'm thinking that this might have something to do with the fact that dogs don't speak English. By the way, I get quite a few emails asking how Griffin is doing. Actually, we have two dogs... Griffin and Finley. They are both doing fine. Maybe at the end of this entry I'll post a picture of one of our dogs, or both. I just mentioned Apple and I have to say about the newest iPhone millions of dead-eyed Apple devotees will have no choice but to upgrade to it... but that's a given. With the debut of the iWatch, however, the Apple faithful will now have another gadget to buy every year, along with the iPhone, iPad, and Macbook. The annual Apple consumer expense should increase from around $2200 to $2800 with the new gizmo, unless it's a dud. Please, let it be a dud. We're all broke. I am happy with my iPhone 4 by the way. I waaayyy behind. Speaking of the iWatch, I cannot believe what Apple said about it...
I don't get it. By the way, I have not decided if I want the iWatch yet in case you are wondering. The ad for it is kinda weird though.
Wait. I'm just supposed to pronounce the Apple logo now? Screw you, no f-ing way. Okay, enough about Apple. Today you might know is September 11th. I don't wanna dwell on that for long but did you see Subway's ad? I think this is wrong.
It is making me hungry though. And I have to show you this, this is real...
It even has a page where you get to color in irony dying. One more thing about Apple... He had to know this was going to happen, right? A guy couldn't walk into a Starbuck's wearing one of those without everyone in the place mentally dubbing him "Venti Scarf Guy." Is that immature? Sure, a guy should be able to wear whatever he wants without being judged. But he wasn't at a runway show in Milan. He was speaking to a room full of geeks looking to spaz out at the new iPhone without being distracted by a purple scarf that could double as a duvet cover. While he must have known that being so fashion-forward onstage at the Apple launch of the iPhone 6 would attract some attention, he probably didn't count on his oversized neckwear overshadowing the game company he was there to hype, Super Evil Megacorp.
"This scarf has 50 terabytes of storage space." Whatever that means. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this weeks...
Top Phive Things Overheard At The Apple Watch Unveiling
5. Ooooh... this doesn't bode well for the Amazon Fire Grandfather Clock!
4. Each watch will cost $349... but remember, 35 cents of that will go to the Chinese laborers who made it!
3. It's nice... but I'll hold out for the model with the blender attachment.
2. I'm not looking to the first reports of wrist cancer.
And the number one thing overheard at the Apple Watch unveiling...
1. It's great... finally, a way to track what a lazy piece of shit my husband is!
That's a very easy one, I know. You don't have to send me an email if you get that one, I hope everyone gets it. Alright, before we continue I want to mention that on October 14th, 15th and 16th I will be posting the Phile from Long Island, New York. I'm so excited, it'll be so much fun. Anyway, I thought it'll be cool if I had readers send me a picture of Long Island and I would show it here on the Phile and give you a mention, Why not, right? So, send me a photo you took of anything on Long Island to firstname.lastname@example.org and I will pick the best three I get and post them right here. Alright, week 1 of the football season is already done and we are going into week 2 starting today. So, it's time to talk football. So, please welcome to the Phile once again my friends Jeff and Lori for...
Me: Hey, kids, welcome back. How are you doing?
Jeff: Things are well here. I hope things are well with you and the readers of the Phile as well.
Me: They are. Before we talk about football, I have to tell you I changed the photo for this feature of the most recent one of you two at the Eagles game. That little kid in the background of the other picture creeps me out and some readers. Look at it. "He looks like his staring though your soul" a reader said. That kid could be a new meme. It's crazy, right? Look at him.
Jeff: I think I am going to make a meme out of the creeping kid, I just have to decide what for. I have an idea, but I probably will look for others as well.
Me: Okay, football... Jeff, there is some big football news this week... Ray Rice terminated from the Ravens. What's your take on this? Are you surprised it took so long?
Jeff: I am very surprised that the Ravens cut him. I made a comment about it earlier in the day somewhere on Facebook that I just assumed that after his suspension was over it would be forgotten. But I am very surprised and very pleased that it won't be. It seems that the release of the video is what made the NFL (who also suspended him indefinitely, so even if another team signed him he wouldn't play for a while) and the Baltimore Ravens do what they did.
Me: Do you see Ray coming back to the NFL on another team ever? His career is pretty much over, right?
Jeff: I think Rice will play again. If the tide of public opinion on Michael Vick can turn, than I think we will see Rice play. But it won't be for a while, that's for sure.
Lori: Yes, Michael Vick played again, but there's a difference between a dog and a human being. I'm not condoning what he did by any stretch of the imagination, but you really can't compare the two. And you have to remember that Vick spent 15 months in jail and it still took more time after that for people to accept him. You weren't in Philly when we signed him to see the headlines.
Me: I can't believe we are into week 2 of the season and there's already drama. Any other big football news out there? Didn't a player go and do warm-ups when the marching band was on the field?
Jeff: Yes, a player did do his warm-ups in the middle of the marching band, but I think Antonio Brown of the Steelers drop kicking a punter on a punt return is a much bigger story. I don't know what he was thinking. Though it is a funny video and the punter had a good sense of humor, it was a pretty stupid thing to do.
Me: Okay, let's talk about last weeks picks. How did we do?
Jeff: After week one, I am in the lead having gone 2-0 with a Steelers win. So I have 5 points, Lori went 0-2 with an Eagles win so she has 1 points and Jason, you went 1-1 with a Giants loss. So you are in 2nd place right now.
Me: Alright, second place! Let's do this weeks picks. I say the Broncos will beat the Chiefs by 13 and the Saints beating the Browns by 10. What do you both say?
Jeff: I predict Green Bay by 4 over Jets and Seattle by 7 over San Diego.
Lori: I'm bummed that I went 0-2, but I'm just going to blame Tom Brady, because, really who would have guessed the Patriots would lose to the Dolphins? This week, I'll take Arizona by 3 and San Francisco by 4.
Me: Great job, and I will see you here next Thursday.
Jeff: See you next Thursday!
Jaws? Jaws is famous? What the fuck? Excuse me while I punch some fame committee people.
It's September 11th and a good friend of the Phile and a New Yorker has something to say about today. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man... you know what time it is...
Everybody has their memories of that dreadful day... up to now, I've never spoken about mine. I remember holding my youngest son in my arms as the first report broke in on the TV. He was 8 months old that very day... I was in absolute shock over what I was watching unfold before my eyes. I watched as vague reports of one plane hitting the tower... then a second... the reality of this NOT being an accident sunk in. Then The Pentagon... then Shanksville, Pa. I watched in horror as people were leaping to their deaths from the towers... news cameras following them down the side of those smoldering buildings. Then the phone rang... It was my younger brother, a member of the NYPD. He was there as most on duty that day were. Trying to help in whatever way he could. I told him to stay safe and "not be a fucking hero." The last words he said before the phone went dead were... "I gotta go... something's going on... people are running and screaming." I looked at the TV... and watched as the first Tower fell... then the second. I tried in vain for hours to call back but his (and everyone else's) cells were not working. I spent the next 30 hours thinking my only brother was dead. Nobody in the family heard from him in all that time. I remember driving to church and raging at God for allowing my brother to be taken from me just 3 short years after losing my father. Then I tried in vain to make my way to the site so I could join in on search efforts. After 30 hours my Uncle Mike called me up and said, "I just heard from your brother... He's okay." I collapsed upon hearing this news... my uncle went on to explain how my brother was suffering from shock and lost track of time... contacted nobody including his own wife and daughters because he was too busy digging for our friends... friends that were never found. I remember feeling two things after I spoke with my uncle. First... relief that he was okay. Second... anger... because I just wanted to punch him square in the face for making us all worry for so long. Before I die... I'm knocking him the fuck out for making me worry on that day. I owe him that. Remember and honor those lost on this day 13 years ago. Make CERTAIN this never happens again. By whatever means necessary.
Shit, that was great, Laird. Thank you for sharing that. Okay, the 34th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Jason Torchinsky will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.
Today's pheatured guest is a Brazilian comedian, one of the main representatives of stand up comedy in Brazil and one of the creators of ImproRiso, "Formula 404" and "Hole MTV2". Please welcome to the Phile... Bruno Motta.
Me: Hello, Bruno, welcome to the Phile, man. How are you?
Bruno: I'm always great!
Me: You and I have something in common... you worked at Star Tours at Disney's Hollywood Studios and I work there currently. I have a picture of you from when you worked there...
Me: When did you work at Star Tours, Bruno?
Bruno: From 2006-2007. Best new year of my life!
Me: How long did you work there for? Were you an ICP?
Bruno: I was an ICP for about 4 months.
Me: International College Program for people that don't know. Was it a fun experience for you?
Bruno: I'm sure it was as just fun it is for you. I loved it.
Me: What was your favorite thing about Star Tours and living in Orlando?
Bruno: In my days we could do a speil and make it the way we wanted to, since we covered the safety stuff. As a kid I really desired to live actually IN Disney. Well, living in Vista Way is the closest possible of that desire!
Me: Bruno, I don't know much about Brazil... by the way, is it Brazil or Brasil?
Bruno: For us, Brasil! For you guys it's Brazzzzzil!
Me: You stayed at Vista Way? How was that experience?
Bruno: It's funny to live in a place where the whole world lives next door. You have like four nationalities in your own apartment and everybody knows everybody. It's almost like a cheap sitcom...
Me: What made you decide to come to Disney for the program? Are you a big Disney fan?
Bruno: I work with entertainment and I wanted to know how the largest company in that segment deals with the basis of their business. And... I love Disney.
Me: Our mutual friend Rich, who was on the Phile for it's 7th anniversary entry a few years ago, said you were fun to work with and always joking around. Did you think of trying out for Disney entertainment?
Bruno: I would definitely try a carrier in Disney if I didn't have a career in Brazil. For real, that would be my second choice. I was happy and felt good woking in a good place.
Me: Okay, so, imagine they built a Brazil pavilion at Epcot... what would it have to have? What would the ride be like?
Bruno: It would probably not be ready for me to see it.
Me: Haha. Okay, what part ofBrazil are you from?
Bruno: I'm from Minas Gerais. The state which had all the gold that's now in Europe!
Me: I know you have visited Disney since you left, and you were just recently there but unfortunately I didn't see you. Anyway, do you get recognized by the Brazilian tour groups?
Bruno: Yes, I got that a lot, and Im specially recognized by the Brazilian Cast Members.
Me: Do you get hounded a lot, and people want your autograph and picture?
Bruno: Nowadays all people want is a selfie!
Me: You're kinda of a big deal in Brazil, right? Is stand-up comedy really popular in Brazil?
Bruno: I know my old boss and trainer got you to think I'm like Brazilian Steve Martin and it's not like that, but I'm getting there. Stand-up comedy got a big blast in Brazil and I'm part of that, so, I'm well known by stand-up comedy fans.
Me: Are their a lot of stand-up comedians there?
Bruno: Boy, now we multiply as Ewoks.
Me: So, who is your favorite stand-up, Bruno? Who is your biggest influence?
Bruno: Seinfeld, Ellen, Chris Rock, Letterman, Chelsea and of course, Johnny Carson.
Me: How long have you done stand-up?
Bruno: Kinda all my life. I've been doing theatre since I was a kid, and always comedy. And since then I liked to talk to the audience and host college events by myself. But my first professional gig as a stand-up comedian was in 1996.
Me: I tried out a few times in the 90s, but never continued. I regret that now. Did you ever think of giving it up?
Bruno: I don't know anything else I could do professionally... besides working again in Star Tours.
Me: What was the worst time you were heckled?
Bruno: I kinda stay away from that. Since I also do improv comedy, I talk to the audience a lot, so I always have a way out of a heckler. I tend to make the audience work them for me.
Me: What was the best show you did?
Bruno: It's always the last one... but I've been doing a annual event with all the comedy gang that holds like 20,000 people in the audience, for free, on a big park. Its crazy!
Me: Have you ever tried doing stand-up here in the States?
Bruno: When I worked there a friend of us, Bucky, took me to some open mikes, and I tried a few times. It was fun.
Me: Okay, so, what do you talk about in your comedy act? Ever talk about your Disney days?
Bruno: Hmmm... I did a bit about Disney, but is very rare to use it, I'm usually a topical comedian.
Me: You also have been a part of something called ImproRiso... what is that, Bruno?
Bruno: It was a show mixing stand up and character comedy with guests in Brazil. But now we're doing another show called Finally Everything that mixes stand up comedy, improv and sketches, something like Boom Chicago and Second City has been doing. It has been fun.
Me: And something called "Formula 404"? That sounds like a cleaning product. Is that a TV show?
Bruno: Its a web show about viral videos, broadcasted in the biggest Internet portal in Brazil.
Me: Do you like being on TV in Brazil?
Bruno: I simply love television.
Me: You also write for MTV over there, is that right? What shows do you work on?
Bruno: I did, but MTV in Brazil bankrupted! For real! I was one of the creators of a show called "Furo MTV", something like "Breaking News MTV", a comedy news show for young audiences, and "Comedy MTV", a simple rip off of "SNL" in owner own-MTV-low-low-budget-way but that became a hit on the web.
Me: Do you like doing stand-up or writing and working on other projects instead?
Bruno: I love it all.
Me: You won some kinda award for something called "Many People Saved My Marriage" and "Finally Together." What did you won, what was the award for and where they plays?
Bruno: I have some awards for some plays I wrote, and some nominees for some TV shows. But nothing that would make sense in the USA... LOL.
Me: You also are in the Guinness Book of Records? Did I read that right? I used a translator device to read your bio so my facts might be wrong. Haha.
Bruno: Yup, that's totally true, even though you won't find the record on Guinness material, because they simple choose what to show and not to show. I did a 38 hour stand-up show. No breaks. :)
Me: Very cool, Bruno. There's a DVD of your live act available I saw. Here it is...
Me: Is that your first release of your stand-up show? Y
Bruno: Yes! My first DVD of many, I think. But I did a project for two years putting out a weekly stand-up video on YouTube. That also counts, doesn't it?
Me: Kinda. Bruno, thanks for being on the Phile. Go ahead and mention your website and next time you're in Orlando hopefully you can say hello.
Me: Thanks, Bruno, please come back on the Phile again sometime soon. Take care, and continued success.
There you go, that about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz, Lori Sedlacek, Laird Jim and of course Bruno Motta. The Phile will be back tomorrow with legendary British entertainer and Phile Alum Chas Hodges from Chas & Dave. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker.