Friday, March 6, 2009

The End Is Nigh


Hello, welcome to the a special entry of the Peverett Phile... dedicated to the greatest movie ever made... Watchmen. I am your host, Doctor Groveland. So, how is everybody? I am doing fine considering over the weekend I lost my Grandmother and one of my best friends from work. Nan lived to be 98 years old, kids. That's very good for someone in my family. Right now I bet she's making a cup of tea in heaven and bugging the hell out of the angel's. My friend Brian was 51 and passed away from liver failure while I was sitting in a panel at MegaCon. Life is weird, and you never know when your time is up. Anyway, back top the Watchmen. I did get to see it today and I hated it. LOL. Just kidding. It is my all time favorite movie of all time, followed by The Dark Knight and Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. I will give my review in a bit. So, let's get down to the comedy, kids. There was a terrible blizzard all over the East Coast. Police say there would have been terrible traffic jams if people still had jobs to go to. News from Iraq: The Iranian minister says Hollywood must apologize for making movies that are offensive to Iranians. It was in The New York Times so there might be some truth to it. Maybe.
Hollywood doesn’t apologize to anyone. I’ve seen dozens of crap movies and they’ve never apologized to me. But I don’t have nuclear weapons. Wait — neither do you, Iran. MSNBC had a report on the top consumers of online porn by state. It turns out 8 of the top 10 are red states. John McCain must be delighted about all the hands he shook while he was there. In California, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating has dropped. People seem to be having second thoughts about having elected a robot to run the state. The stock market is fluctuating wildly. I haven’t seen this much bouncing up and down since Clinton was in the White House. There’s a mall that’s been playing Barry Manilow music to drive away teenagers. Apparently it works. But now it’s infested with aging gay people. The L.A. Board of Supervisors has declared the first week of March “No Swearing Week.” No swearing in L.A. and Christian Bale has left town... coincidence? Doesn’t the L.A. Board of Supervisors have anything better to do? Unemployment’s at 10 percent in Los Angeles; the gang problem is out of control; the air is unbreathable... let’s get rid of the swearing! A fertility clinic is offering parents the opportunity to select the eye and hair color of their children. Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when people would get pregnant and have their eight babies and go on “Entertainment Tonight”? 
According to a new study, people are sleeping less because they are worried about the economy. I think it’s also because they’re sleeping under bridges... You might not know about the latest figures because the big news in the media is that someone is stealing pet-store snakes. At Disney's Animal Kingdom a baby monkey was born. Guests in the park were very excited, taking pictures. They thought it was one of Obama's kids. Just kidding. I am not racist. At MegaCon last weekend I noticed one thing... Anime will be big one day. Jen and Logan got home from Utah safe. It's weird, since Jen was in Utah she stopped drinking soda and Logan stopped swearing. LOL. I asked if they saw any Mormons there and Jen said they didn't stick out like I stick out being a moron. 


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs You're A Lame Watchmen
10. Costumes consists of thermal underwear and a Mets cap. 
9. By day you're a mild-mannered Radio Shack employee. By night you're a mild-mannered Radio Shack employee at home watching TV. 
8. Only super power: Doing a Ryan Seacrest impression. 
7. Two weaknesses: Kryptonite and Sara Lee's lemon bundt cake.
6. You're called "The Flash" because of what you do to people. 
5. Archnemesis -- guy in upstairs apartment who plays music too loud. 
4. Can only fight crime until 10:00pm, then mom wants you home. 
3. Your catchphrase: "Please don't hurt me". 
2. Mayor summons you by projecting "Fat-ass" in the sky. 
And the number one sign you're a lame Watchmen...
1. Your superhero name: Carl.


Alamo seized by Santa Ana, 3,000 versus 147 not being a fair fight. The holdouts suffered unnecessary deaths, disobeying direct orders by remaining, and losing their arms and cannon to the Mexicans.
The US naval vessel "Cyclops" vanishes in the Bermuda Triangle.
Larry Flynt, publisher of the fine magazine Hustler, is shot and paralyzed.
Cheryl Araujo is gang raped atop a pool table at a tavern in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Other men in the establishment applauded the spectacle. Four men are convicted of the crime in a trial that attracts nationwide attention.
The greatest movie ever made comes out. I don't need to tell you what it is.


Paul Harvey: Good day - you irritating, monotone, over opinionated, one-trick-pony weasel.

Horton Foote: One Foote in the grave.


In an alternate-reality 1980s United States, Richard Nixon is still president, the world is on the brink of nuclear war, and "costumed vigilantes" have been declared illegal after years of popularity and success. A former superteam come together when one of their own—a notorious bastard nicknamed The Comedian—is murdered. If you've read the comic you'll find Watchmen to be very faithful… which is OK, but also kind of its problem. It's so reverential that you soon realize that you're not watching an interpretation of the story, you're having the story read to you again. The only time Snyder breaks free of the confines of the book and actually interprets something is during the opening credit sequence and it's beautifully handled. Makes you wish he'd have been less of a fanboy and more of a filmmaker for the rest of the nearly three-hour run time. (Although his attempts to beef up the limited action of the comic make for some confusion—the story is saying "these people are broken and sad," but the action scenes are saying "look how cool they are!" Well, which is it, Zack?) If you haven't read the comic: The movie is truly an eye-popping technical achievement, and at its heart is a thought-provoking take on superheroes, the Cold War, and the American way of life. All solid stuff rooted in some of the best comic book source material ever written. However, there are loooooong stretches of dialogue (which are often bookended by even more expository voiceovers), which is fine when you're reading but exhausting when you're watching. Especially when most of it is delivered in monotone by the emotionless Dr. Manhattan. What he's saying is interesting, but if you can stay focused during his 10-minute droning, more power to you (shades of The Matrix: Reloaded slamming to a halt so that The Architect could explain to the audience what the fuck is going on… also in monotone). Still, you'll leave with the certainty that Rorschach will be on every "Most Badass Movie Character" list you compile from now on. ("I'm not locked up in here with you. You're locked up in here WITH ME!"). Watchmen features a costumed superhero sex scene, with nudity! Fapping fanboys can finally stop Photoshopping white hair onto Halle Berry in Monster's Ball screengrabs. Keep an eye out for a zoom through the legs of a floating, yoga-posing, nude Dr. Manhattan. You may feel yourself instinctively ducking under the butt crack. Would I buy the movie when it comes out on DVD? well, I already purchased the animated version of it on DVD today, I have most of the figures, two posters, three t-shirts, a hoody, baseball cap, lunchbox with thermos, sticker, button, journal and keychain so what do you think? I have been waiting since 1986 for a movie version of "Watchmen" to come out, and it was worth it. Next, I am gonna see it in Imax.  So, from 1 to 10, I give it a 10, kids.


That's it, kids, a very short, but exciting entry of the Phile. Tomorrow I will post an interview with... should I now reveal who with? I dropped a lot of clues last weekend. Okay, I will tell you... John Bentley, Squeeze's bass player. Then on Sunday it's the band Untamed Youth. Then next Phriday the Phile will go through some changes. A new look, and interviews all three days. I am gonna focus on interviews mostly but will still have a monologue each day, as well as Phriday I will have a top ten list, jokes on Saturday and geek talk when I find news. Also, if something crazy happens in Florida or England I will post that as well, and still have the notes on phamous people who died. But, again, the main focus will be interviews, kids. So, keep reading, the Phile is getting better and better. Spread the word, not the turd. And e-mail me at 

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