Rabbit. That's the first thing you should say on the first of the month for good luck. Welcome to the Phile, people. What a day we had. We went to the Magic Kingdom about 4:00ish, only to find it's the last of the summer block out days for Cast Members. Logan was disappointed, and I was hungry, so we went to the Grand Floridian Resort and ate dinner with Cinderella, her gay looking Prince and her step mother and two step sisters. When the Prince came over to the table I though he was the waiter. Then we went to the Disney Hollywood Studios where eveything was about to close. I did buy two t-shirts and Logan got a new whip and Indiana Jones hat. It's not about the rides and shows, it's about spending money. A guy goes to Wendy’s, orders the chili, and finds a dead rat. Wendy’s was outraged. They said, “Dead mouse? It was alive when we put it in there!” Then they said, “Oh, don’t worry about it — it’s a Disney promotion.” Barack Obama has been overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. He’s been so successful at campaigning abroad that he’s actually thinking of campaigning here in the United States. He spoke to a half million people in Germany. A half million. While he was doing that, John McCain wasn’t laying around. McCain was out driving in his driveway and backed over the mailbox.
During a recent concert, British pop star George Michael said that Barack Obama should pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president. George Michael says he’s been a huge Hillary fan ever since she started copying his Wham! haircut. Matt Damon announced that his wife is going to have a baby. I thought Ben Affleck was looking a little bigger. Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson’s tour bus. In St. Louis, a church group is holding prayer services at gas stations asking God to lower fuel prices. If it works, the church will hold a prayer service at Starbucks. Officials at the Beijing Olympics have begun evaluating athletes to determine their gender. Trust me, there's nothing worse than hearing, "I guess that's technically a penis." In other Olympic news, China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don't want to giveaway too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch. He's fine now, but the other day "American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest was swimming in the ocean, and he was attacked by a shark. Marine biologists say the attack occurred because Seacrest was too far from shore and the shark knew who he was. President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off.
THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST
From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is tonight's top ten list...
Batman's Top Ten Pet Peeves
10. Not being selected for "Dancing with the Stars"
9. Having to use the bathroom while hanging upside down
8. Still can't figure out how to defeat that thing on Donald Trump's hair
7. Having a mask-tan in summer
6. When Aquaman jumps out of the toilet and scares the bejeezus out of him
5. They've put a Starbucks in the Batcave
4. Batmobile only gets 12 MPG
3. Robin's writing a tell-all book
2. Still waiting in line for the new iBatphone
And the number one Batman pet peeve
1. Madonna keeps calling for a date
FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG
Authorities are searching for a man armed with a machete who held his family against its will while saying he was Jesus and forced his 13-year-old sister to recite and write the Lord's Prayer within seven minutes, Lake County sheriff's deputies said. Venel Piervil, 24, threatened to kill his mother and two sisters, ages 7 and 13, while holding them Thursday night at a home located on Heather Street in Mount Dora, deputies said. During the incident, Piervil made his sisters recite the Lord's Prayer and forced the 13-year-old to write it within 7 minutes, threatening to kill her if she didn't comply, deputies said. Piervil's mother was able to flee the residence to seek help, Lake County sheriff's deputies said. Deputies said Piervil then fled with his two sisters in a 1999 Chevrolet van and went to his aunt's residence on Gorham Road in Mount Dora, deputies said. The aunt told deputies that Piervil had held them against their will at her residence and took cell phones and car keys prior to his departure. Piervil also stated that it was Judgment Day and that he was Jesus, deputies said. The aunt said Piervil may have headed to a residence in Gainesville, deputies said. Both children were later located and were unharmed, deputies said. The location where they were found was not released. No adults were injured. Detectives have obtained an arrest warrant for Piervil that charges him with two counts of kidnapping and one count of false imprisonment. Piervil is described as an African-American man about 6 feet tall and 175 pounds. The vehicle he was last seen driving is described as a bronze 1999 Chevrolet conversion van with a "Jesus" sticker in the rear window.
AUGUST 1ST IN HISTORY
1589
King Henri III of France is assassinated by a crazy Jacobin monk. Among his crimes are opposing the Catholic League, and his love of... handsome young men.
1936
Adolf Hitler presides over the opening ceremony of the Olympics. The Chancellor of Germany announces: "I proclaim the games of Berlin, celebrating the eleventh Olympiad of the modern era, to be open." The whole thing makes for a great film by Leni Riefenstahl.
1954
The middle and lower reaches of the Yangtze River overflow, submerging 8 million acres. The floodwaters kill more than 30,000 Chinese and displace 18.9 million others.
1966
Former Eagle Scout and United States Marine Charles Whitman carries a sniper rifle onto University of Texas at Austin. There he climbs to the top of UT tower and begins firing indiscriminately at dozens of people, killing 13. Whitman is finally taken out 96 minutes later by three Austin PD officers.
1971
"The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour" debuts on CBS television as a summer replacement show.
1981
Cable music network MTV launches, by airing "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles, followed by Pat Benatar's "You Better Run." That's right, kids: once upon a time, MTV actually played music videos.
1994
Trading on the NASDAQ stock market is halted for 34 minutes after a squirrel commits suicide by gnawing through a power line near the organization's computer center in Trumbull, Connecticut. Systems in place to perform automatic switchover to standby generators didn't exactly, uh, work.
BAD ASS PRESIDENT'S OF ALL TIME
Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy,the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.
Teddy Roosevelt, a split second before spitting in the invisible face of death, and pimp slapping it with his tiny neck-hand. And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it. It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.
The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking. Did I mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him. Greatest Display of Badassedry:
While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include: "A cold." "A stubbed toe." "It's raining." "There's a spider near the door."Most Badass Quote: This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass. Some men have to work to become badasses. But some are just born into it.
I GO TO THE MOVIES
The X-Files: I Want To Believe
Having presumably parted ways years ago, former FBI agent Scully (Gillian Anderson) now works as a pediatric surgeon, while a bearded Mulder (David Duchovny) secludes himself in the West Virginia woods, clipping newspapers like an alien-obsessed Unabomber. It'll take shady medical practices, a federal manhunt, and the psychic ramblings of a priest with…wait for it…a history of pedophilia to get the duo back together! All of the elements that made the TV series so addictive are present: Spooky villains? Check. Mind-bending theories? Check. A skeptical Scully and a crazed Mulder? Check. Creepy Casio music? Check! But despite displaying the skeletal structure of the successful show, this flick just feels empty and ultimately very disappointing. You want to care, but don't. And in the end, you realize the movie never gave you anything worth caring about. And you'll notice that the deep snow, high alpine peaks, and craggy apexes of so-called "West Virginia" look a bit unrealistic. That's because this flick was primarily shot in British Columbia. But who needs accuracy when you're dealing with the paranormal? I give it a six, from a scale of one to ten, but being a fan of the tv series, I probbaly will buty it on DVD, just not full-price.
DOCTOR WHO
Russell T. Davies seems to include everyone and the kitchen sink in this episode. Appearing in the parent program are Captain Jack, Ianto and Gwen from "Torchwood" and Sarah Jane and Luke Smith from "The Sarah Jane Adventures". Also making appearances are Martha Jones, Martha's mother Francine, Harriet Jones (former Prime Minister...yes, we know who you are), and British celebrities Richard Dawkins (real-life husband of former "Doctor Who" companion LallaWard) and Paul O'Grady as themselves. Oh, and Rose is back. The Daleks prove themselves to be the cockroaches of the universe when they once again save themselves from extinction. I find it hard to believe that the emergency temporal shift of Dalek Caan at the end of "Evolution of the Daleks" saved Davros (who is a marvelous combination of Hitler and Stephen Hawking) from certain death in the Time War. Why could a Dalek, no matter how enhanced, get through the time lock on the event? Caan's insane, precognitive ramblings are kind of fun to watch. No Dalek has ever behaved like that before. I like how the Medusa Cascade and the Shadow Proclamation are finally defined. The Shadow Proclamation is a weird name for a police force though. Why wasn't it mentioned in the Judoon's first appearance in "Smith and Jones" that they worked for the Shadow Proclamation? Did I miss that part? At least we now know why the bees went missing and we get a piece of the puzzle regarding the missing planets. I liked how the sets from "Torchwood" and "The Sarah Jane Adventures" are used for those scenes involving the characters. It's a good way for the series to save money by using pre-built sets. The episode was building to a Doctor/Rose reunion, but that was interrupted by a Dalek gun. To my knowledge, this is the first time the Doctor has ever been directly shot by a Dalek. The Dalek guns scramble organic matter, so you'd think they would prevent regeneration. Still, what a great cliffhanger! We all know that David Tennant is signed through next year, so what will happen with the regeneration? Will the Doctor regenerate into Tennant again? Will some sort of timey-wimey stuff happen that prevents it from happening in the first place? Will he regenerate into someone new and next year's episodes will be "missing" ones? Will they retcon the first four seasons? The mind boggles. It's interesting how former-Prime Minister Harriet Jones reappears in a situation much like the one she once described to the Doctor, in which the Earth is in danger and he isn't there to help. This resulted in the Doctor getting her thrown out of office and I find it hard to believe she doesn't hold a grudge. We never did see her actually exterminated. I liked how Harriet Jones' sub-wave network was designed by Mr. Copper, an extra-terrestrial that the Doctor met in "Voyage of the Damned" (he didn't strike me as an engineer, though). The core scene of the episode has to be when one of the women working forthe Shadow Proclamation approach Donna while she's sitting on some stairs. The woman apologizes for the loss that is yet to come. One storyline has been blatantly missing in this episode: the one involving the return of the Master from last season. It would better explain how Dalek Caan got through the time lock. What was with the sound of the heartbeat at the beginning of the scene? And how did Donna get the ring she's wearing? This episodes represents the culmination of storylines from all four seasons of the relaunched "Doctor Who" and is loads of fun to watch, even if the plot is so riddled with holes that one could drive a truck through them. The non-stop action and fun in-jokes and references of the episode make up for the superficial plotting. I look forward to tonight's season finale that I will watch as soon as I finish writing this entry.
GEEK TALK
It looks like someone read my supervillains piece (yes, I'm that influential) because according to The Hollywood Reporter, Sony is looking to give Venom his/its own spin-off movie (first reported by IESB earlier this year). They think Spider-Man would benefit from a few stand-alone stories, as they actually consider it to be "an aging franchise." (We all better check ourselves into nursing homes then, seeing as we actually lined up for the first movie all those years ago!) Now, as I stated so emphatically, I do believe a villain could carry his own movie. (After watching "Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog", I'm even more convinced.) But Venom? Seriously? It's not even a character in the strictest sense of the word. It's a ... symbiote! (In the Ultimate Universe, it wasn't even that much, it was just a suit.) It just bonds to people and makes them do really bad things. How can you make a movie about a parasite? Will they give it the sympathetic angle of a lonely and silent creature who just wants to make some friends? While Sony and Marvel have yet to comment, the studio has hired Jacob Estes to write a draft, and they're eying potential cast members. Topher Grace won't be reprising his role from Spider-Man 3, as they're not convinced he can carry a big budget picture. They should be more worried about a symbiote carrying a tentpole picture, but that's just me. Maybe the Spider-Man fans out there feel differently -- in fact, I know some must, because of the dozens of Venom T-shirts I've seen in my lifetime. Is Venom the character you want flying the Spider-Man banner?
Well, there you are phans, the latest entry of the Phile. Next week's entry will be on Friday... or Phriday next week, and remember, I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving. Thanks for reading, and have a good week, and remember... spread the word, not the turd. Now for "Doctor Who"...
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