Olympic Fever: Or As It’s Also Known, Bronchial Asthma.

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the most updated blog on the internet. There’s excitement in the air over the Olympics . . . also lead, arsenic, benzene . . . Let the respiratory failure begin. The government of China says it is going to prevent rain at the Beijing Olympics by shooting dust into the clouds. Because that’s the problem with Beijing — there’s not enough crap in the air. The government of China guaranteed that the Beijing Olympics will be safe. They know the Olympics will be safe because they’ve already written the next three weeks of news stories. President Bush is in China for the Olympics. He’s there for the opening ceremonies. While he’s there, he’ll be looking for lo mein of mass destruction. I think the U. S. will do great this year, especially in the swimming. Dick Cheney looks great for the waterboarding. The government of China announced that during the Olympics it will ban restaurants from serving dog meat. Which brings new meaning to the phrase, "Hello, Kitty."More bad news for air travelers. U.S. Airways began charging passengers on its flights for water. Even worse, the oxygen masks are now coin-operated. Bill Clinton told a group of supporters that his wife Hillary is the person he most wants to spend time with. Apparently Clinton likes to start off every speech with a joke. This week in Atlantic City, N.J., security guards kicked a 440-pound man out of a casino. The security guards started kicking the 440-pound man out on Monday and finished on Thursday. The Department of Labor just announced that unemployment hit a four-year high. Actually, it might be higher than that. The guy doing the survey was laid off. JetBlue is now charging $7 for a blanket and a pillow. So now you’ll be able to get a solid eight hours’ sleep on the runway. Larry King is getting divorced. He’s been married seven times. A lot of people just can’t seem to make a go of divorce. There are rumors that Katie Holmes is pregnant again. There were new photographs that showed she had a tiny baby bump, but the rumors were false. It was just Tom she had tucked under her shirt. A new poll done by the Lifetime Network, shows that more women would rather carpool or go on vacationwith Barack Obama than John McCain — 51 percent for Obama to 31 percent for McCain. That 31 percent fell to just 2 percent when the poll specified that McCain would be driving. The guy who used to be Osama bin Laden’s chauffer, Salim Hamdan, has been found guilty of supporting terrorism and also using an expired E-ZPass. It wasn’t just Osama bin Laden, he drove for a lot of celebrities — though he says the only celebrity he ever really got along with was Mel Gibson. Hey, the Chinese threw a big state dinner for President Bush. Do you know what they served in his honor? Peking lame duck. Ryan Seacrest has broken up with his girlfriend of three months. Seacrest says he’s not going to miss his girlfriend, but he is going to miss borrowing her jeans.

THE PEVERETT PHILE TOP TEN LIST

From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs You're Watching A Lame Olympics Opening Ceremony
10. Vandals have stolen three of the five Olympic rings
9. It's the summer Olympics, but the temperature is in the low 30's
8. Announcements made in English, French and Klingon
7. Beijing looks a lot like Newark
6. Sponsorship deal requires athletes to dress as delicious Hot Pockets
5. Every country's anthem is "Who Let the Dogs Out?"
4. Pyrotechnic display consists of Don Rickles dropping his pants and firing a rocket
3. The BMX bikers are doing a very creepy tribute to Brokeback Mountain
2. You find yourself reading the Phile instead
And the number one reason you're watching a lame Olympics opening ceremony...
1. Michael Phelps is drinking O'Doul's

R.I.P.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn: A somewhat harsher form of exile than the usual, imposed by a somewhat higher authority.
Skip Caray: Might as well, now.
Lou Teicher: Exodus.

And now for the...

A PEVERETT PHILE OLYMPICS UPDATE

To all you who refuse to follow this years games because of human rights issues: you have my complete sympathies. But the Dalai Lama in exile wants the Olympics to go on. In a prelim match in women's soccer, Norway scored 2 quick goals in the first four minutes to beat the US 2-0.

FLORIDA: AMERICA'S WANG

The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce. Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren't arriving fast enough. Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police. When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls. Peterson did not have a listed phone number.

AUGUST 8TH IN HISTORY

1925
40,000 robed Klansmen march down Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C. -- a bit less than 1% of total Klan membership.
1960
Brian Hyland's song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" reaches number one on the pop charts.
1963
By tampering with railway signals, a 15 man team halts the Glasgow-to-Euston Royal Mail train in Buckinghamshire. The criminals make off with 120 sacks containing £2.6 million in cash. The incident goes down in history as "The Great Train Robbery."
1973
Elmer Wayne Henley confesses to killing his partner, David Owen Brooks, and to the the sadistic murders of 27 teenage boys beginning in 1970. Following Henley's instructions, police dig up 27 bodies before calling off the search. This beats Juan Corona's record of 25 victims.

And now for...

2008 (COUGH) OLYMPIC PREVIEW (COUGH)

Track and Field
Jamaicans Usain Bolt and Asafa Powell square off against the U.S.'s Tyson Gay for the title of world's fastest human in Beijing. Barely see this year's track action through all the soot and ash beginning Friday, August 15 on NBC!
Swimming
Everyone knows U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps is the sport's current golden boy, but Team Australia—captained by Grant Hackett—boasts six world record holders. Plus, they've been training on a strict diet of algae and dog parts specifically for these games. Catch the head-to-head action starting August 9.
Basketball
That sound you hear is raucus applause—and the hollow cough of onsetting emphysema—every time Team USA takes to Beijing's hardcourts. Gather 'round and root for LeBron, Kobe, Carmelo, and the rest of these scrappy underdogs bright and early on August 10.
Cycling
America's Sarah Hammer is hoping to put the…surname…down on the cycling track to prove that her two-time individual pursuit world championships were no fluke. She's believed to be the States' best hope for a gold medal, assuming she can slog her way through rush hour traffic in time for the race Saturday, August 10 at 2 PM.
Beach Volleyball
The U.S. lays claim to the most dominant duo in the history of women's beach volleyball in Misty-May Treanor and Kerry Walsh. Grab a good vantage point (and particle filter mask!) and catch all the tight, well-toned, and amazingly firm action Saturday, August 9 at 11 AM.

DOCTOR WHO

The latest season of "Doctor Who" gets resolved with a story that seems rushed, confusing and filled with self-love on the part of showrunner Russell T. Davies. But that doesn't necessarily mean it was bad. To begin, the CGI and special effects are quite possibly the best ever seen on the show. Despite being in charge of the specials that will be airing next year, it seems that this episode was treated as the last that Davies will ever run. As a result, he wrapped up most every storyline he could think of going back to the first season. "Journey's End" did have more than its share of disappointments. Due to the sheer complexity of the story (I won't even bother pointing out the logical plot inconsistencies. It would take too much time), it was difficult for any of the Doctor's companions to get much screen time. It would be best to give a character-based review rather than a story-based one. The Doctor: Having the Doctor regenerate into himself (and create a clone from the regeneration to boot) felt like an easy cop-out. Does this mean Tennant is both the tenth and the eleventh Doctors? Does the character only have two regenerations left rather than three? The duplicate did keep with the season's overall recurring theme of cloning (and, in a looser sense, teamwork). The entire "half-human" concept seemed a wink to the 1996 TV movie with Paul McGann. Since this series pretty much definitely denies the assertion that the Doctor is half-human, now fans will have to figure out why he believed he was way back when. His inhuman side came out again when he had to wipe Donna's mind. This part of him was last seen at the end of last season's episode "The Family of Blood." Donna: I firmly believe that the next Doctor should be female and Catherine Tate convinces me even further in her role as a half-Time Lord this episode. Her behaviors once she absorbed a Time Lord intellect were fun to watch. She is without a doubt my favorite companion of the show, making her loss of the memory and personal growth she experienced with the Doctor ever more tragic. She went back to being the snarky, shallow woman she was in "The Runaway Bride" (and she even lost her memory of that). Still, Rose came back when she supposedly couldn't so I'm hoping we haven't seen the last of Donna Noble. Rose: The Rose/Mickey relationship was always destined to fail. That was easy for anyone to see. It was nice for Rose to get her wish of a romance with the Doctor (albeit a half-human copy). Jackie Tyler remained comic relief. I know she loves Rose, but why was she even on the mission? Mickey Smith, Martha Jones and Torchwood: Both are being set up to join Torchwood. Mickey Smith's defection to Torchwood was surprising but somehow appropriate. Martha Jones, on the other hand, was easily being groomed for that role to replace the fallen Owen. I wouldn't mind seeing a romance between the two since they're such different characters (Martha is analytical and Mickey is street-wise). It's ironic that even in death, Tosh is still saving the team. Captain Jack remains the same. It was nice to see the acknowledgment of Eve Myles role in "The Unquiet Dead" from the first season. Sarah Jane: The only current character other than the Doctor who was there when Davros first created the Daleks. It was a nice touch when Davros remembered her. It was also nice to see K-9 again for an instant. Harriet Jones: I was hoping she would come back as some sort of revenge-crazed harpy, but I was mistaken. Rest in Peace, Harriet. Davros and the Daleks: As usual, we didn't see Davros die so he could still possibly return. Ilike how they kept his Sith Lord electric finger ability from the classic series. The Nazi origin of the characters are evident when the Daleks are flying around speaking German after Martha teleports to Germany. The Daleks are notoriously simple creatures, despite their homicidal tendencies. Dalek Caan proved the exception (being the second member of the Cult of Skaro to realize what the Daleks actually were). Davros also managed to retain his complexity by doing what other villains do: showing that the Doctor is in his own way just as monstrous as he is. It's the sort of self-justification that evil people often do. Other points: Continuing his love of anagrams, Osterhagen is "Earth's gone" with the letters rearranged. While I recognize the deaths shown in the montage were only from the relaunched series, the Doctor's interference when the classic series is taken into account has resulted in many more deaths. I guess they didn't have enough time to show them all. Bernard Cribbins also delivers a fine performance, particularly at the end of the episode. It was an exciting season overall. Quite possibly the best the new series has yet produced. While Davies seems to be making it up as he goes along, he can still produce a decent story.

GEEK TALK

Halo: The Fall of Reach: While that old Halo movie is dead and buried, the property may still have a little life left when it comes to a big-screen adaptation. Stuart Beattie wrote a draft of a script based on the 2001 novel by Eric Nylund, which served as a prequel to the first game in the series. Now, Latino Review has snagged a piece of concept art from Kasra Farahani (Wolf Man, Spider-Man 3, Hancock) that's accompanying Beattie's script and will be part of an eventual presentation to Microsoft. Hang on Halo fans, they're trying to make this happen for ya ...
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: We now know what Shia LaBeouf's next ride might be, and it's definitely not a used 2001 Honda Accord. Oh no, CHUD reports that Megatron will be back in the sequel! Not a giant reveal, I know, but they also claim -- possible spoilers -- that the baddie from the first film might come back to help the Autobots defeat "a new menace." (Some say that menace is The Fallen, some say it's LaBeouf's future parole officer -- I'll check our sources and get back to you.) Not only that, but Megatron might return as a tank this time. Hopefully said tank will offer up enough protection from, ya know, tight corners and multiple shots of whiskey.
Mummy 4: Yesterday, I heard someone call Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor the worst movie of all time. Really? Was it that bad? Or are people ganging up on it because it's a fun thing to do? Anyway, speaking to MTV it would seem Brendan Fraser, Maria Bello and director Rob Cohen are all set for another round of Mummy awesomeness. AND they want to film the next sequel in Latin America! On the potential room for more, Cohen says, "What I'm really happy about is that, by taking 'The Mummy' out of Egypt and putting it in China, by exploring a different approach to the quest for immortality, we now have it clear that the 'Mummy' franchise can travel. Now we know that if we want to go to Mexico or we want to go to Peru, we can because there's a cultural truth there of the mummies and these beautiful cultures. They have a lot of mummies. The Aztec culture had a lot of mummies and some of their mummy designs for the Foundation Army were taken from Mexican mummies that they have found. So I think that somehow that might make the basis of a good story." Um, something tells me the rest of the planet might pass on this one. You?
Justice League: Holy crap, I think we got a pulse here! Word has it Warners is actively developing that solo Green Lantern movie with Common starring as the superhero (Slashfilm via Production Weekly), but also that the Justice League flick might still be lingering around, waiting for a few more hugs. Speaking to Jay Baruchel (who was set to play a villain in the film), Joblo snagged this quote: "Well it's been postponed indefinitely. And it keeps getting postponed. And each time it gets postponed, the chances of it getting made seem to decrease...It's never been officially over. So there's always that. In a heartbeat I would drop whatever I had going on to do that. That movie and what I get to do in it is like nothing I've ever seen or would ever get a chance to do again." Ya know, I kinda think I'd pay to see Baruchel play the villain in a superhero movie. Crazy, I know, but something tells me that would be fun as hell to watch.

There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile. I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, so talk it up. Send the link to your friends. You know, spread the word, not the turd. The next entry of the Phile will be posted next Friday again. In the meantime, thanks for reading, and enjoy the Oympics. 'Nuff said.