Friday, July 18, 2008

You Can't Have Manslaughter Without Laughter

You're reading the Phile, I am your host, the Dork Knight. On Fox News, Jesse Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s nuts off. This marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News. Jesse Jackson has said he is trying to apologize to Barack Obama, but Barack Obama has not taken his calls. Apparently, Jackson is so mad that Barack won’t take his calls, he’s once again threatened to cut his nuts off. John McCain also in the news. At a campaign event, McCain refused to answer any questions about Viagra. Mainly because all the Viagra questions came from his wife, Cindy. Presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that this November, he expects to be on the ballot in at least 45 states. Nader’s exact quote was, “I hope to screw things up in at least 45 states.” The New York Times once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he’s not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside the 13 colonies. Jesse Jackson says he’s trying to put his remarks about Barack Obama behind him. He says Obama has forgiven him. Obama says he’ll appoint Jesse Jackson secretary of nut cutting. Barack Obama this week was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players. Hillary appeared at fundraiser with Barack Obama, and Obama told the crowd, “Hillary rocks.” Then Bill Clinton said the same thing, but he was talking about Hilary Duff. Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins over the weekend. Everybody’s healthy; everybody’s happy. Then you know what happened? Angelina adopted them. Angelina’s going to unveil her twins next week . . . no, wait a minute — that’s Pamela Anderson. Vice President Dick Cheney had his annual checkup. It went well — during the checkup he only had three heart attacks. During the procedure he waterboarded a nurse. President Bush announced he is lifting the executive ban on offshore drilling. The president made the announcement during a speech entitled “Eh, What the Hell.” A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52billion. Which is a shame because if they had waited until happy hour they could have paid half that. This week Starbucks is unveiling a new drink called a Vivanno. Apparently Vivanno is the Italian word for “You just wasted $8.” Now here’s something I find puzzling and delightful: there’s a magazine, Playboy magazine – you know Playboy magazine? And every now and then, the magazine will go into a small town, small community and get a bunch of young ladies and talk them into undressing. And then they take their pictures and they put them in the magazine and it just sells like hotcakes. Well, they've done the same thing with the waitress staff at Olive Garden. Anybody ever eaten at the Olive Garden? Yeah, I know. Six Olive Garden waitresses have posed naked for the Playboy magazine. I’m thinking, come on, really? I mean, when I’m in Olive Garden, I have trouble getting extra bread sticks. I’ve seen the photos and I want to tell you something, these Olive Garden waitresses are just like the food – they’re hot and cheap. By the way, during that last joke, Brett Favre came out of retirement and then retired again. Comedian Bernie Mac performed at a recent Democratic fundraiser – and afterwards, Barack Obama told him to clean up his act because some of his jokes were about sex and prostitutes. Unfortunately, Bernie Mac couldn’t hear Obama’s advice – because Bill Clinton kept screaming ‘ENCORE!’ In a recent interview, the wife of Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez is claiming that he tapped her phone. In response, A-Rod said, ‘I didn’t tap her phone, I tapped Madonna.’ A school principal in Mount Vernon, New York, because he was caught having sex in public with another man. The cop said he arrested the man because he was literally Mounting Vernon. A woman in Florida is being charged with assault because she attacked her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking crack in the bathroom. Florida police say that otherwise it was business as usual at Shady Pines Retirement Village. Ben & Jerry’s has named an ice cream flavor after Elton John. It’s true. It’s called Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. It’s rich and fruity.
And it puts pounds on your ass. The guy from "CSI", Bill Peterson, is retiring. I like "CSI" — sexy cops chasing sexy criminals . . . not at all like real cops. Real cops is like the show “Cops.” Not sexy at all. Some guy chasing another guy gets caught with crack . . . then he’s screaming, “It’s not mine! It’s Lindsay Lohan’s.” Larry King announced that he’s going to write an autobiography titled ‘What Am I Doing Here?’ Larry says that if the book sells, he’s got plans for several sequels including, ‘What Day is This?’ and ‘Where Are My Pants?’ In a speech, the Pope said that the world’s resources are being squandered because of insatiable consumption. Then the Pope put down his jewel encrusted staff, got into his Popemobile, and sped off to the Vatican Palace. The other night was big Billy Joel concert at NY’s dilapidated Shea Stadium. Before they close it down they wanted to have one last Billy Joel concert. That thing’s old and disgusting. It reeks of stale beer. The stadium is even worse. There's a new movie out called The Ruins.
Which is what I call my toilet after I take a dump.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor is Batman
10. Always complaining about his "rubber suit rash"
9. When you mention Superman, he rolls his eyes and mutters, "pantywaist"
8. His teen son drove to the prom in the Batmobile
7. Is re-roofing his house to fix loose shingles and grappling hook damage
6. Who's banging on his door at 4 AM but an angry, knocked-up Catwoman
5. Introduces his parents--Carl and Linda Batman
4. You hear him on the phone asking J. Crew if they carry seersucker cowls
3. On Thanksgiving, you see green lantern holding a JELL-O mold
2. When he goes on vacation, asks if you'll water his plants and grease his bat pole
And the number one sign Batman is your neighbor...
1. He's a recluse in a weird outfit with a young sidekick ( Sorry, that's a sign your neighbor is Michael Jackson)


Nero fiddles while Rome burns.
After having imprisoned and ransomed 3,000 of them in 1287, King Edward I issues an edict expelling all Jews from England. The nation's Jewry, which financed the crusade against the Saracens, had by this time outlived their usefulness as bankers and were given until the end of October to emigrate.
At the end of Vatican I, Catholic popes are proclaimed infallible by chapter four of the papal bull Pastor Aeternus. His declarations on matters of faith are protected from error by the Holy Spirit. In a nutshell: whatever he says, goes. This is an interesting doctrine, considering how often St. Peter is himself contradicted by the Gospels.
Max Amann publishes Mein Kampf ("My Struggle"), the book Adolf Hitler had dictated while under house arrest. The work happens to be just as tedious as its original title, Four and Half Years of Struggle against Lies, Stupidity, and Cowardice.
In Los Angeles, the beaten corpse of Bobby Fuller is found sprawled across the front seat of his mother's Oldsmobile. Fuller, whose band The Bobby Fuller Four released the hit "I Fought The Law," is found to have died from "forced inhalation of gasoline." Technically, Fuller died from huffing... although circumstances point to murder.
Driving home from a party on Chappaquiddick Island, Senator Ted Kennedy's car goes over the side of Dike Bridge and flips over into a pond. Kennedy manages to free himself from the automobile, but his passenger, one Mary Jo Kopechne, drowns. For some reason, Kennedy tells no one about the accident for at least an hour, and waits until the following morning to notify local police.
James Oliver Huberty walks into a crowded McDonald's restaurant in San Ysidro, California and starts shooting. Carrying an Uzi carbine, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a Browning 9mm pistol, Huberty guns down 40 people. 21 of them, mostly children, die from their wounds. A San Diego police sniper finally solves the situation more than an hour later. Ultimately, the McDonald's Corporation opts to bulldoze the franchise and build a community park there.
Movie actor and wannabe boxer Mickey Rourke is arrested for beating his wife. The charges are later dismissed.
Rock and Roll performer / heroin addict Nico wipes out on her bicycle on Ibiza and dies from a brain hemorrage combined with a lack of medical treatment.


Michael DeBakey: He was, like, a doctor, right?
Bobby Murcer: The only good Yankee is a dead Yankee.
Tony Snow: It's like Christmas in July!
Les Crane: You were a fluke of the universe. You had no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.


I don't know when but: The Simpsons is heading back to the big screen - creator Matt Groening has confirmed a sequel to last year's hit movie. The animated comedy went feature-length for the first time, and became a box office smash with earnings of more than 250 million worldwide. So Groening is returning to Springfield for a follow-up - but he warns fans they have a long wait ahead, as the first film took four years to make. He says, "It will happen at some point, but I have no idea when. The first one took us four years - mainly because we don't like to work any harder than we usually do." Last year marked the 20th anniversary of the Emmy Award-winning animated franchise.


Now that Batman (Christian Bale) has finished beginning, Gotham should be as criminal-friendly as McGruff's biscuit box, right? Too bad a new menace called The Joker (Heath Ledger) has a plan to bring some explosive and murderous anarchy into the lives of Bats, his cohort Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), and Gotham's new firebrand District Attorney, Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart). Not to put too fine a point on it, but comic book movies finally have their Godfather. Batman's world is expanded and Gotham's threat level significantly elevated without the movie ever losing sight of its hero and his reasons for being (something the other Batman movies never achieved). And trust us when we say the threat is elevated—Ledger's Joker is the walking, talking, cackling embodiment of pure terror, and his performance is every bit as good as you've heard. This is a bleak, almost tragic movie that still has "holy shit, that's cool" moments—in other words: Best. Movie. Of. The. Summer. The bad news is our summer is officially over. Nothing else will come close to this. I give it a ten plus, and I willget it the day it comes out on DVD!!!


John Quincy Adams is, hands down, one of the most God awful ugly-assed presidents in American history but, well, the Predator was pretty hideous too, and no one will deny that he still kicks a fairly serious amount of ass. Also like the Predator, Adams was known as a shrewd negotiator and a strong advocate of outdoor boning. But I'll get to that a little bit later. With his father away from home most of the time busying himself with the rebel cause, Adams, at age eight, was the man of the house. As if ensuring the safety and prosperity of an entire house before you even hit puberty isn't daunting enough, Adams had to do it all during a fucking war. He, in fact, often talked about watching the battle of Bunker Hill from his front porch, constantly worried about being, as he wrote in his diary, "butchered in cold blood, or taken and hostages by any foraging or marauding detachment of British soldiers." Remember when you were eight and you worried about missing Pokemon? Yeah. If you're feeling, perhaps, a little wet right now, it's because the ghost of an eight year old John Quincy Adams is pissing all over you as you read this. Adams also maintained a strict, Rocky-like regiment of constant exercise that included a swift swim across the Potomac every morning. Even at 58 years old, Adams could reportedly swim the width of the Potomac in an hour. Also, the nudity; Adams famously exercised and swam nude, presumably, in case he ever came across some emergency that needed immediate boning while out exercising. Greatest Display of Badassedry: Also, since I'm talking about ridiculous things that JQA did that have nothing to do with being president, he kept a pet alligator in the East Wing of the White House. That actually probably came in handy for some of that shrewd negotiating I mentioned earlier. As for the outdoor boning? Well ... Most Badass Quote: "The art of making love, muffled up in furs, in the open air, with the thermometer at Zero, is a Yankee invention."It's not too clear, but it sounds like Adams genuinely believed Americans invented having sex outside, a discovery he no-doubt believed he himself pioneered.


Russell T. Davies proves me wrong...and right. I have said since the first season of "Doctor Who's" relaunch that the man can't write science fiction. I still believe that. But I never said he couldn't write. Actually, he's a very good writer in terms of writing about emotions and relationships (which is why we're introduced to each companion's family in the new series). Fortunately, this episode's writing plays more upon his strengths. The Doctor and Donna are visiting the planet Midnight, a crystalline planet which is located so close to its sun that exposure to the Xtonic radiation from it would vaporize any living thing in seconds. This is an example of Davies' inability to write sci-fi. Couldn't he have used a bit more of a basis in fact for Xtonic radiation rather than making something up? There are many radiations out there that can kill people. In a move that is very different than he has done in years past, the Doctor decides to travel alone (with a tour group, of course) to visit the Sapphire Waterfall while Donna chills out in the hotel (making the episode virtually Donna-less). While going on its three-hour tour (okay, it was four hours. I just wanted to use a "Gilligan's Island" theme), the ground shuttle is attacked by some sort of creature which rips open the front part, vaporizing the drivers, and seemingly possesses one of the passengers named Sky Silvestry (played by Lesley Sharp). While the remaining passengers wait for help to arrive, cabin fever sets in and they get a bit snarky with each other. Why does a creature than can rip open doors need to possess people? A brilliant maneuver plot-wise by Davies is having the monster in this episode be invisible, untouchable and having unknown goals, making it very dangerous. It only presents itself within Sky by first repeating the words of other passengers like a child's game, then saying them at the same time, then saying them in advance of the other person (apparently, this causes the particular person the creature focuses on to lose their individuality for whatever nefarious purpose it had in mind). Having the majority of the action take place in the shuttle must have also saved on the budget, much like last season's "Gridlock" (which took place in ships that looked remarkably similar to each other). This seemed more of a filler episode while Davies and company prepared the final trilogy of the season. Davies get us sympathetic with the few shuttle passengers by introducing us to all of them through the Doctor, making us feel for them more. Itamplifies the tragedy of the passengers having to throw Sky outside the ship and let her die to save the Doctor. Random thoughts: Rose makes a quick appearance on a video screen silently shouting for the Doctor. More foreshadowing. The character of Professor Hobbes is played by David Troughton, who is the son of the second actor to play the main character in Doctor Who, the late Patrick Troughton, This is not the first "Doctor Who" episode he has appeared in, having been in a few of his father's episodes and a few from the era of the third Doctor, Jon Pertwee. There is definitely a family resemblance. I wonder if they could have him back playing his father's role in some sort of multiple Doctor story? What with Georgia Moffett (daughter of fifth Doctor Peter Davison) appearing in "The Doctor's Daughter", this has been the season for seeing the Doctor's children. When I saw this episode, I thought of that old "Twilight Zone" episode in which William Shatner saw the creature on the wing of the plane while he was in flight. Same fundamental concept. This is the first time in the new series that the Doctor has been companion-less through the episode (the previous time before this was the Tom Baker episode "The Deadly Assassin"). Science fiction has always been about asking the question "what if?", and there are those writers who can ask or answer the question better than others. Russell T. Davies is not one of the better ones, but he can certainly write about people and this episode shows it.


One of the most wonderful things about geekdom on the Internet is how fast it sets to work. The Watchmen trailer hasn't even been out for 24 hours, and already folks are analyzing its every second -- with one dedicated fan comparing its frames to the panels of the original book. The hardworking one is Brad Brevet over at Rope of Silicon, and he really has done a great job. If you decide to look, and are unfamiliar with the source material, beware of spoilers. I will post pictures on the Peverett Phile Myspace page.
As he did with 300, Zack Snyder has really managed to bring the frames to life. His eye for this is uncanny. There are few comic book adaptations where one gets goosebumps, or jumps out of their seat and says "It looks just like the book!" Of course, Snyder has tweaked it -- he's changed the costumes, and he's given it his own style -- but it's still better than I ever thought it would be. Whether he brings the book to life is, of course, the million dollar question. I'm happy just being entertained by the possibility, though. For me personally, the money shots were the funeral, Jon being ripped apart into particles, and Archie the Owlship. Watchmen opens March 6th, 2009.

Well, that's it for this entry of the Phile. Next week's entry will be on Phriday. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. And as Whitney said, I will always love you.




Late Night with Conan O'Brien
Reporters assigned to Barack Obama say that this week Obama has been working out like crazy at a gym and he’s also been playing hours of basketball. Meanwhile, John McCain has joined a group of mall walkers.

Barack Obama is planning a trip to visit Iraq and several other Middle East countries. Obama says he’s excited about the trip – mainly because he’s looking forward to meeting other people named Barack Obama.

This week Ralph Nader announced that he is certified to be on the presidential ballot in 12 states. However, doctors say that Nader is certifiable in all 50 states.

Larry King announced that he’s going to write an autobiography titled ‘What Am I Doing Here?’ Larry says that if the book sells, he’s got plans for several sequels including, ‘What Day is This?’ and ‘Where Are My Pants?’

In a speech yesterday, the Pope said that the world’s resources are being squandered because of insatiable consumption. Then the Pope put down his jewel encrusted staff, got into his Popemobile, and sped off to the Vatican Palace.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was revealed today that Barrack Obama has been secretly interviewing candidates for Vice President while he works out in the gym. Screening people at the gym can only mean one thing - our next VP, definitely not Al Gore.

Last night was big Billy Joel concert at NY’s dilapidated Shea Stadium. Before they close it down they wanted to have one last Billy Joel concert. That thing’s old and disgusting. It reeks of stale beer. The stadium is even worse.

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