Friday, July 11, 2008

At Least I'm Out Doing Things

Welcome, you're reading the Phile, it's not that complicated, Denise. I said I would update the Phile this Thursday, but technically it's Friday, even though I finished work late Thursday, and didn't go top sleep yet. But you're probbaly reading this on Friday. Boy, I'm confused. Over the Fourth of July, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former President Thomas Jefferson. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, “I’d like to salute both Thomas Jefferson and his wife Weezy.” The Democratic Convention is being held at a 20,000 seat arena in Denver, but Barack Obama has decided to give his acceptance speech at Denver’s 80,000 football stadium. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader will be giving his acceptance speech at a Foot Locker. China has announced that they’re shutting down several of their largest factories for the rest of the summer — so that there will be less pollution for the Olympics. Chinese officials say: “Sorry, but for the next few months, you’re going to have to buy your lead-coated toys somewhere else.” Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia filed for divorce. And because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs. Barack Obama's campaign has announced they are going to hold an event at a NASCAR race. The event will be called, “Meet Your First Black Guy.” A 60-year-old woman was kicked out of a McCain rally for heckling him. Afterwards, McCain said, “I’m just not popular with young women.” Cuba announced they will send a rowing team to the Olympics. They started training last month and haven’t been seen since. In a new interview, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears talks about her new baby and that she can’t wait to be a soccer mom. Actually Jamie Lynn is already a soccer mom because she’s the only mom on her high school’s soccer team. Did you see that new Will Smith movie Hancock? They should make a TV show based on it called "Hancock's Half Hour". Wait, that's been done. By the way, Hancock should not be confused with the porno movie Hand Cock. Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman had a baby girl. My wife Jen is plotting Logan to marry that kid right now.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list:
Top Ten Dumb Guy Ways To Save Gas
10. Put it on theendangered species list
9. Push your car to work
8. Drive only at night
7. Drive in reverse until tank is refilled
6. Stop showing up for work every day
5. Only drive downhill
4. Take the wife's car
3. Fill the car with helium gas to make it lighter on the road
2. Try to be in Oprah's audience every day -- she's gotta be giving gas away soon
And the number one dumb guy way to save gas...
1. Take your wife and mistress out to dinner at the same time


Jesse Helms: Senator No Pulse.


Thieves have stolen a memorial stone for Ian Curtis, frontman of the influential British post-punk band Joy Division. The stone, bearing the epitaph “Love Will Tear Us Apart” — the title of the band’s most famous song — was taken from Macclesfield Crematorium in northern England on Monday or Tuesday, police said. Fans from all over the world would travel to the site to pay their respects, often leaving messages and tokens behind. A married man, Curtis committed suicide in 1980 at the age of 23, shortly before the band, an inspiration for many other groups and musicians, were due to begin a U.S. tour. He had struggled to deal with the demands of combining home life and being in the band, the strain of epilepsy and falling in love with another woman. His personal troubles were often reflected in dark, painful lyrics, which he wrote. “I’m shocked this has happened,” said Bill North of Macclesfield Borough Council. “Someone’s gone to a great deal of trouble to remove the memorial stone and I hope our appeal will help return it as soon as possible.” Curtis’s widow Debbie had been informed, the council said. “This is a very unusual theft and I am confident that someone locally will have knowledge about who is responsible or where the memorial stone is at present,” said police Inspector Gareth Woods. Curtis returned to prominence after two films about his life were released last year. After his death, the three other members of Joy Division went on to form the successful band New Order.


Inventor and electromechanical genius Nikola Tesla is born to Serbian parents in what is now Croatia.
Hailstones as heavy as two pounds kill 23 people in Rostov, Russia.
A herd of angry, startled elephants emerges from India's Chandka Forest, and tramples five villages, killing 24 inhabitants.
British customs officials in London open a large wooden crate marked "diplomatic baggage" because of its extremely odd odor. Inside they discover Alhaji Umaru Dikko, Nigeria's former Minister of Transport and Aviation. He had been abducted, drugged, and bound for Nigeria to face trial for embezzlement.
Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior is blown up by in Auckland Harbor, killing a photographer. After the New Zealand government determines that French secret agents were responsible, the French Defense Minister resigns and the agents are jailed.
Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega sentenced to 40 years in prison for eight counts of drug trafficking, money laundering, and racketeering.


John Hancock (Will Smith) is a guy with a Superman-like ability to stop speeding bullets and fly, but a Mel Gibson–like ability to drink heavily and be an asshole. Having lost the favor of the city he's trying to protect, Hancock encounters publicist Ray (Jason Bateman), who offers to give the superhero an image makeover, despite Ray's wife's (Charlize Theron) serious reservations. Hancock is a truly funny adult take on the superhero mythos. Peter Berg is one of the few directors who can handle comedy and action, and the movie is enjoyable, despite being tinged with a bit more sadness than advertised. There's a neat twist that, surprisingly, isn't telegraphed by the trailers. And, as always, Jason Bateman is hilarious. Will Smith is good, but he just doesn't convince as a loathsome hard-ass. It's Big Willie, kid-friendly A-lister! How could anyone call him an asshole? It's worth a trip to the theater, making Hancock the movie that may officially rank this summer as one of the "least sucky" of all time. From 1 to 10, I give it a 10. Logan also lovedit, as it had fights and swear words, and a guy with his head up another guys ass. Eight year olds love that kind of humor. 


Ultimately, this news probably comes as a surprise to no one -- but it certainly brings joy to many. Nikki Finke is reporting that Jon Favreau and Marvel have come to a deal, that he's signed for Iron Man 2, and that it's still on track for a 2010 release. It's still unofficial at this point, but given the enormous kerfluffle that arose at the very idea that he wasn't, I'd say Finke is probably spot on. (CHUD's Devin Faraci agrees, as he suspects Finke is a secret Marvel spokesperson.) And speaking of kerfluffle, it's amazing how much Internet bile has been spewed as a result of the negotiations. Finke threw a choice epithet Favreau's way for rushing to the Internet to "rile up the movie's many fans" when Marvel didn't make an offer fast enough. Now, I realize we're all on the outside looking in, but everyone thought Marvel was dragging their feet when it came to the director. I wouldn't accuse Favreau of whipping fanboys and girls into a frenzy. His MySpace post on the subject was calm and matter-of-fact -- we aren't talking Kanye West level of hysteria here. He remained professional, and didn't descend into name-calling. Way to rise above the fray, Ms. Finke. (And to add to the drama, IESB is angrily pointing out that they had this story weeks ago, straight from the mouth of Favreau at the Hellboy II premiere.) Can't we all just get along, applaud the news, and ponder where the sequel will go? I want to do that. That's way more fun. Let's save the anguish for wondering if they're really going to have Iron Man 2 done by 2010, and if so, whether or not it will feel like a rushed mess?


Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he's ever done. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly more sane strategy of staying the fuck away from explody things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there he handled himself like a gravel eating shit-miner, instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was. Today, he's got his own damned aircraft carrier named after him. The USS John F Kennedy can launch 80 planes and can single-handedly win a war with most countries on Earth.
Upon leaving the Navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure, he dabbled in being a Senator and a President or whatever, but his full-time job was Pimping. In fact, if boning-your-girlfriend-right-in-front-of-you was a business, you can bet your cuckolded ass that Kennedy would have been its District Manager. While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that "Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day." It's amazing that, with all this boning, Kennedy didn't lose focus and make any colossal screw-ups while in office, and-...What? Bay of what? Moving on. JFK's sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickenson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, famous burlesque stripper, and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he also had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too. Greatest Display of Badassedry: In August of 1943, while serving as skipper of the PT-109, Kennedy's boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy, despite a chronic back injury and an even more chronic boning-induced-exhaustion, managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His fucking teeth! Most Badass Quote: "Jack could be shameless in his sexuality, simply pull girls' dresses up and so forth. He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a 'serious discussion.'" That quote comes from Kennedy's closest friend, Lem Billings. For proof that you will never be as badass and pimpsational as Kennedy, go ahead and try that "Hey baby, let's go have a serious discussion" line on any girl and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn't have.


Well, there you go, phans. Another entry of the Phile. Next week's entry will be on Phriday. I still want to hit 5000 views by Thanksgiving, so spread the word, not the turd. I will leave you with another quote from George Carlin. Until next week... When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

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