Thursday, January 31, 2008

I'll Bet You'll Vote Next Time Hippie

Hey there, welcome to the Peverett, he web's most updated blog. Tuesday here in Florida, they had the primary . . . Rudy Giuliani came in third. Third place. Tough night. During his speech, that actress Sean Young started yelling, “Get on with it! Get on with it!” John Edwards dropped out of the race. He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut. It was my wife's birthday as well on Tuesday and she went out and voted. I 
don't know who she voted for, but if Keith Urban was running... John McCain did very well yesterday — winning in Florida. Who says there’s no country for old men?
Mitt Romney has plans to stop McCain’s momentum. He’s going to take the tennis balls off of McCain’s walker. President Bush gave his State of Union address earlier this week. Wasn’t it great? I found it very moving, so inspiring, so . . . no one watched it? I didn’t watch it either. This is the last time Bush with give this speech. It was like a farewell, special edition of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.” I’m getting cocky for someone who is not yet a citizen. Aren’t I? Happy news from Hollywood. Angelina Jolie is pregnant. And, insiders believe, as soon as the child is born, she plans to adopt it. Today Britney Spears was taken back to the hospital. If she keeps this up, she would almost beat me in hospital visits. Scientists say a satellite will come crashing down to earth. It weighs 200 tons, full of gas. Oh, wait a minute, that's just 
my stomach.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida... that's not ripping Letterman off, is it? This week's top ten list is
Top Ten Least Popular "Bucket List" Items
10. Party with those babes from "The Golden Girls"
9. Join the "Mile High Club" by myself
8. Attend Magic fantasy camp
7. Beat a paternity test on an episode of "Maury"
6. Determine which is Siegfried and which is Roy
5. Brunch with Regis
4. Share a burger with Hasselhoff
3. Fried rat -- sorry, that's the least popular KFC Bucket item
2. Take a dead dude to the bank to cash his check
And the number one least popular 'bucket list' item...
1. Purchase a bucket


Q: What did one vampire lesbian say to the other? A: "Same time next month?"
Q: What do you call a masterbating cow? A: Beef stroganoff.
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? A: His wife died.
Q: How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Juan.


Sting Super Bowl XXXVII, 2003 Buccaneers Vs. Raiders
The only thing that gets fans less fired up than watching a 125-pound British guy sing about fields of gold is watching a 125-pound British guy with one name sing about fields of gold. That, and "Roxanne."
Phil Collins Super Bowl XXXIV, 2000 Rams Vs. Titans
Hey, he's the guy who brought us soft-pop shitbombs like 'Sussudio' and recently penned the soundtrack to the decade's most mind-numbingly stupid children's film, Brother Bear, right?
John Goodman Super Bowl XXXI, 1997 Packers Vs. Patriots
Goodman performed as part of the new Blues Brothers, an outfit that specialized in pissing on the grave of the late, beloved John Belushi. If there's one thing those slobs don't like, it's Dan from Rosanne dishonoring Bluto from Animal House. But you can never accuse the halftime promoters of doing anything half way. They also got professional-Belushi-legacy-ruiner Jim Belushi in on the performance. Not only was this one of the worst Super Bowl halftime shows, it may have been the worst musical performance ever.
Enrique Iglesias Super Bowl XXXIV, 2000 Rams vs. Titans
Heterosexual men hate Enrique Iglesias with a ferocity that is actually visible if the weather is cold enough. Not only does he make women everywhere slip off their chairs by passing within a one-mile radius of a television camera, he flaunted his power by making out with whomever the most sexually repressed men were jacking off to that month. While Snopes claims that the statistic about the Super Bowl being a second Christmas for wife beaters isn't true, we wouldn't be surprised if it was true for this particular one.
Diana Ross Super Bowl XXX, 1996 Cowboys Vs.Steelers
If there's one thing that people from Dallas and Pittsburgh have in common, it's that they'd rather get shot in the kneecap with a crossbow than listen to "Endless Love" between halves.
New Kids on the Block Super Bowl XXV, 1991 Giants Vs. Bills
You can figure out why the New Kids were a bad match for the gridiron. What's amazing is that the people who scheduled the damn show knew it was a bad idea, too. CBS didn't even show the halftime show that year, opting instead to air an edited-down version after the broadcast. Instead they showed news about the first war in Iraq. Take a moment to let that sink in. These days, the News doesn't even show news about the war in Iraq. It's admirable and all, but so are a lot of things that will get you fired so quickly you'll leave behind a hat spinning in midair. This marked the beginning of the, "Honestly we stopped giving a fuck" era of halftime show programming.
*N'SYNC Super Bowl XXXV, 2001 Giants Vs. Ravens
If there's one thing a guy from Baltimore can't stand, it's a teenager with frosted tips and a denim vest who makes more money in one day than his entire union has in its pension fund. The show did manage some excitement: *N'SYNC started the show by sprinting out of the tunnel, looking over their shoulders like they were being chased. For that brief, glorious moment, football fans were free to imagine that Tony Siragusa had caught the unmistakable scent of Axe body spray, and was going to burst out of the tunnel, run them down at the 20 yard line and eat them alive on national television. Instead, a gaggle of screaming teenage girls came running after them. I'm not sure what happened next because I lost consciousness.
Gloria Estefan Super Bowl XXVI, 1992 Redskins Vs. Bills
Gloria Estefan is what you would get if the Taco Bell chihuahua impregnated Celine Dion. This halftime show was so bad that it was nearly beat in the ratings by a live episode of "In Living Color". The next year the NFL spent millions of dollars to get Michael Jackson to perform, vowing to never again stake their claim on a washed-up soft-rock has-been like Estefan.
Gloria Estefan, again Super Bowl XXXIII, 1999 Broncos Vs. Falcons
The above scenario is really the only explanation I could come up with.


Private Eddie Slovik is the first U.S. soldier to be shot for desertion since the Civil War.
President Truman gives the go-ahead for the development of Edward Teller's hydrogen bomb.
The United States sends its first space monkey into space, Ham the chimpanzee. His Mercury/Redstone 2 achieves an altitude of 158 miles.
Ted Bundy commits what is sometimes regarded as his first murder, Lynda Ann Healy, a 21 year old senior at the University of Washington. Her skull is not found until a year later. By the time he was executed, Bundy had committed nearly 30 murders, mostly women with dark long hair. It is believed that he may have murdered as early as 1961, when he was 15, but proof is at best circumstantial.
Copies of the March Playboy with LaToya Jackson posing with... snakes! hit the newsstands. She also has a snake tattoo. Face it, the lady really really likes snakes.


Christian Brando: Thrown to the lions.
Suharto: He knew first-hand what the rest of us learned from Johnny Cash — it's tough being a boy named Suharto.
Jeremy Beadle:
John, George, and now Jeremy. So sad.


Looks like J.J. Abrams does plan to go all "Wonder Years" for his Star Trek flick! Coming Soon reports that 11-year-old (about to be 12) Jimmy Bennett has landed a role as Young Kirk in Abrams' upcoming Star Trek film, due out at Christmas. Bennett has played a little kid in films like Hostage, Firewall, Poseidon and Evan Almighty. A young Spock will also be featured, leading this writer to believe both characters will appear in the film and talk about how much they "like, like" Winnie Cooper. Fingers crossed. The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed (what was already previously reported) that New Line is in talks with Platinum Dunes to re-launch the franchise that helped secure their name as one of the big players in town, A Nightmare on Elm Street. Dunes partners Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form will produce, and a writer will be hired once the strike comes to an end. Since it's a full-out re-do, expect Robert Englund to not play Freddy Krueger, though we imagine he'll still have a role in the film (perhaps as part of Freddy's family). God bless the guy they get to fill his shoes; he'll have to convince tons of hardcore fans that he's the real deal. Dunes and New Line are also prepping a re-launch of the Friday the 13th franchise, with Marcus Nispel directing. And finally, though it's not really a fanboy film (but I needed one more thing to throw in here, so cut me some slack), Moviehole reports that director Phillip Noyce has officially dropped out of that planned Amelia Earhart biopic starring Hilary Swank. MH spoke with Noyce, who gave the following reason for his departure: "I had worked on Amelia for 5 months from July to end of December 2007, finding all the locations and extensively storyboarding the flying sequences - When it didn't appear that the film was going ahead, I had to make a painful decision to move on and returned to a project that had long fascinated me... Mary Queen of Scots. Scarlett Johansson will play Mary in a film to be shot on location in Scotland, England and Ireland during 2008." Apparently Swank is still attached to the film, which we all thought was moving ahead as planned (script issues, maybe), so I'll keep you updated and let you know what happens.


Rambo 5
Producer Harvey Weinstein says he wants Sly to make another sequel immediately because he loves the idea of an "older guy kicking ass." It will find Our Hero in a nursing home, taking on a gang of teenage punks who are stealing the senior citizens' gruel.
Quantum of Solace
The neat behind-the-scenes video shows 007 Daniel Craig swinging from a rope at a construction site. If that guy ever wants to tackle another franchise, he's definitely a lock for Tarzan.
The Hobbit
Guillermo del Toro is officially in talks to helm the back-to-back LOTR prequels, even though he's stated that he also really wants to direct the final Harry Potter. They should just combine the two franchises. Gandalf could take over Hogwart's from dead Dumbledore. Who could tell the difference, anyway?
Marvel Zombies
The comic-book company is going to produce a direct-to-DVD 'toon in which their biggest heroes, such as Spider-Man and the Hulk, turn into the flesh-eating undead. Hmmm. I wonder if the Hulk's green skin tastes minty?
Yes Man
Check out thee crazy pictures of Jim Carrey bungee jumping. If he keeps insisting on doing all his own stunts, he's going to be harder to insure for a movie than Lindsay Lohan.
In the trailer for this Americanized remake of a Hong Kong horror flick, Joshua Jackson starts seeing ghosts in the photos he takes. Man, and I thought I had a problem with the dang red eye in all of my photos.
Hell Ride
Quentin Tarantino's latest producing effort, a grindhouse style flick about a biker gang, has been getting uniformly bad reviews at the Sundance Film Festival, and the video of Q.T. attacking a paparazzi outside of a Starbucks. Actually, he was just pissed off about getting caught drinking a wussy drink like a nonfat latte.
Burn After Reading
The first official promo picture from Joel and Ethan Coen's upcoming comedy shows star George Clooney enjoying himself in a movie theater. The way he's cackling like a madman, they must be showing his ER haircut reel.

Well, there you go, phans. The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which I will be watching and praying that the Giants win. I had such a great time at the FX Show last week (you can read my review of it on the Peverett Phile Myspace page) that I am excited about Magacon on the second weekend of March (the same weekend as the Diney Bowl-A-Thon I'll be taking part in). I want to hit 4000 views by Easter at the end of March, so let everybody know to read the Phile, and I am planning on getting my next tattoo by Valentine's Day. What else? Oh, check out the site as well as when you get a chance. Until next time, have a good week, and spread the word not the turd. Peace!


No comments: