Thursday, January 10, 2008

Deuce

Welcome to the Peverett Phile, the internet's most updated blog! This week celebrates 
the Phile's second anniversary. If it was a baby it'll be walking by now, and hopefully potty trained. The start of the terrible two's. Why do they call it the "terrible two's"? Shouldn't it be the terrible two? There's only one two, right? Am I making sense? This Sunday is the big Disney World marathon, where runners run 26.2 miles to get a medallion with Mickey on it. Oh, and bleeding nipples as well. This year instead of running through the four parks, the runners
will be running along 1-4, heading to Haynes City. Did you hear about the 70 car pile up on 1-4, due to a brush fire's smoke and fog? Luckily only four people were killed, but the rest all got tickets for wreckless driving! President George Bush is in Israel right now. He showed up wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke. There's no doubt George Bush is confused — he thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perlman. Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary. It was a surprising victory, and today she is denying she used human growth hormone. Political experts and pundits are saying she got a boost by showing actual emotions. She actully showed emotion. And I thought, "Gee . . . I wonder if that could work for me." There's a long way to go. You know there are 50 states now. Bill Clinton lashed out at Barack Obama yesterday. He accused him of running a fairy tale campaign. It's fairy tale in which a very horny king tries to get his queen elected to the White House so he can go out and fornicate with maidens . . . but a handsome black prince comes along and screws the whole thing up for him. Bobby Knight, the basketball coach who threw the chair onto the court and I think he's punched some players or something, lightened things up at a press conference by bringing his grandson along. Here's what he said with grandson in hand when a reporter asked, "How big of a win will this be and how big will be the momentum?" "Who knows!?! I don't know any of that stuff. You guys follow all that bullshit." And that was after a win! That wasn't even Angry Bobby. That was Happy Bobby. Britney Spears got a special visit this week. She was in the hospital and guess who showed up? Dr. Phil. People don't realize it, but when you're a celebrity you have to be treated by a celebritydoctor. Just like animals go to an animal doctor . . . I for instance, had my appendix removed by Dr. Dre. Seriously, Dr. Phil is so lucky. His wife let him bring Britney home with him. I wish I could bring Britney home with me. I would even settle for her sister. She is legal, right?

JANUARY 10TH IN HISTORY

1883
A fire at the six-story Newhall Hotel in Milwaukee kills 71 people. Two famous midgets residing there, General Tom Thumb and Commodore Nut, are rescued by firefighters.
1939
Linda Lovelace's birthday. She starred in Deep Throat, the most profitable adult movie in history, and certainly one of the most groundbreaking. Linda's other credits include her first film Dog Fucker, a 1969 film where she gets it on with a German shepherd.
1982
The gayest Hollywood Square, Paul Lynde, dead naked in his West Hollywood home with a bottle of poppers (amyl nitrate, to relax muscles used during anal intercourse) next to the bed. By the next morning, Lynde's mysterious male companion had fled.
1998
German psychologist Heidi Fittkau-Garthe was charged in the Canary Islands with a plot of murder-suicide in which 31 cult followers, including five children, were to ingest poison. After the suicides they were to be picked up by spaceship for an unspecified destination.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

A gang beat and tortured a disabled man to death for sport, a court has heard. Brent Martin died in hospital after being found with multiple injuries on Sunderland's Town End Farm estate in August last year. A youth, aged 17, who cannot be named for legal reasons, denies murdering the 23-year-old, who was found dying next to a parked car.
William Hughes, 21, and a 16-year-old have already admitted Mr Martin's murder, at Newcastle Crown Court. On Tuesday, at the start of the 17-year-old's trial, the court heard that the attack began at a bus stop when he bet £5 that the 16-year-old could not knock out Mr Martin with his right hand. Both youngsters were trained as boxers, and their victim was repeatedly punched, kicked, stamped on and head butted, the jury was told. Prosecutor Toby Hedworth QC said: "That man Brent Martinnever lifted an aggressive finger towards them and they did that to him until he was dead. They did that for their own sport." A post-mortem examination revealed he died from a massive head injury and had suffered at least 18 separate blows to the head and neck. The court heard that the 17-year-old defendant later told witnesses: "I am not going down for a muppet." A 47-year-old woman, the mother of the 16-year-old, is also on trial accused of attempting to pervert the course of justice. She is accused of destroying evidence by washing the blood-stained clothing of her son.

R.I.P.

Sir Edmund Hillary: All together now: Wrong Hillary!

NUTTED BY REALITY

CBS scheduled Sunday’s episode of "The Amazing Race" to start at 8:30 p.m. ET, and while that was a solid step forward in getting the show to actually start on time, it ultimately did not start on time, of course. When the episode finally started, I realized that I am now officially over the following things: 1) Don talking about how old he is and how much stronger and younger his grandson is, 2) Ronald talking about wanting to change for the sake of his relationship with his daughter, 3) Nate and Jen talking about how they need to stop fighting, and 4) TK and Rachel talking about how perfect they are for each other, even in the most dire of situations. Of course, this is the fault of the producers who ask them these questions and the editors who keep including them, but I think it’s one of the reasons I’m rapidly tiring of this season (and the series?). Nearly every episode seems like something we’ve seen before, although there are definite exceptions. Speaking of the editors, Kynt and Vyxsin said in a post-race interview with Reality TV World that their dumb-ass decision to U-Turn the wrong team was a smart decision, at least from their perspective. They knew only of Nate and Jen’s position, and they “were ahead of us,” Kynt says. Vyxsin adds, “The visual contact we had with them was seeing them at the flower stand and seeing them leave ahead of us. So in our minds this is the only team we’ve seen, and the only team we’ve seen is ahead of us.” Of course, Nate and Jen actually fell behind and arrived at the U-Turn later, but while we knew that, they did not, assumingthat other teams were behind them. On to this week’s goth-less episode: “I actually had a fantasy the other night,” Nate said, sounding somewhat like his whole mouth had just been injected with Novocaine, although I think he’s always sounded like that. “If we were running towards the finish line and anyone was in front of us, I was going to throw my bag at their legs and hope that they fall, and us just run past them.” Oh, Nate, your fantasies turn us on. Ron had another 0 to 60 freak-out when a cab driver dropped them off in front of the wrong door at the airport. “I paid him that good money just to walk more?” he said. His daughter threatened him—“Dad, if you keep complaining…”—although he interrupted her before she could actually deliver the threat. TK and Rachel got on a different flight to Japan, and TK said, “We could be way out front, we could be dead last. You just never know.” Well, since the editors included you saying that, we knew that you were dead last, and that was confirmed when they essentially disappeared from three-quarters of the episode. “Anything’s possible on the race,” Don said, and his grandson looked at him and said, “That’s so cliche.” A few minutes later, Don said that Christina is “at some big ‘falutin’ college and everything like that.” Nicolas said, skeptically, “Falutin’” college?” Where has this attitude been all season? It’s long overdue, and makes him seem a lot less like a tool. Jen spent time on the Roadblock admiring her reflection. “I want to know what I look like in this taxi hat,” she said, much to the composer’s dismay. “Do you speak English?” Nick asked a man. “No,” the man said, in English. “I don’t think Japanese helps that much. Driving skills help more,” Christina said, shortly after admitting she only takes public transportation. Sometime during that driving-around-Japan Roadblock, the score included a few notes from “Turning Japanese.” While their partners did the Roadblock, the two old guys stood and waited, Ron sharing his snack with Don. It’s “The Amazing Race: Grumpy Old Men” edition. Old people are funny. “By the way, nobody here speaks English. At all,” Jen said, clearly pissed off. You’d think by this late in the race should would have gotten a handle on this whole different languages in different countries thing. During the Roadblock, Nicolas said, “It’s definitely easier to land a plane than it is to drive in Osaka.” I did a double-take and then checked his CBS bio: He “currently works as an airline pilot based out of San Juan.” This surprises and horrifies me. Ronald and Christina’s taxi driver started wheezing and making weird noises as his mouth dangled open. “I just hope he doesn’t croak on us,” Ron said. Our ever-witty host, Phil Keoghan, was in fine form, describing tasks with such lines as “and teams without a delicate sense of touch might wind up kicking themselves instead of goals” and “teams that can put their olfactories to good use might surprise themselves by quickly sniffing out a winner.” Oh Phil!
Jen said that she and Nate decided to sniff flowers, “‘cause I have a freakin’ nose of a bloodhound.” And the face! That was mean and it’s untrue, but I couldn’t resist.
“Son of a bitch,” Don said, having trouble controlling a robot with a cell phone. I swear those robot soccer players were the funniest things I’ve ever seen. They gyrated, slid from side to side, breakdanced, and even clapped. Some would do funny little hops, and others would fall over dramatically—and that’s to say nothing of their pathetic attempts to kick a goal. I want a whole show with nothing but robot soccer players, and with the writers’ strike, that may just be possible. Searching for a single real flower in a two-story fake flower shop, Jen said, “I was looking up and like, seeing all these colored flowers I thought I was hallucinating like in a Pink Floyd music video or something.” I vote for something. Just as I was assuming that it’s inevitable that Nate and Jen are going to win, Nate said, “The best team is going to finish last, and that’s going to be Jen and I.” Jen freaked out, and he tried to explain, “I mean, finish the last leg first.” Uh huh. With brains like that, there may be hope for yet for them to lose. TK and Rachel did everything in Japan in one minute and 30 seconds of TV time, and that even included cutaways to their interviews talking about how much they like each other. Phil did not eliminate them, because this was the second nonelimination leg. “You are nearly three hours behind the other teams,” Phil said, and reminded them about the Speedbump. In other words, unless there’s a huge equalizer next week, TK and Rachel are going home.

IDIOT'S LANTERN

Well, we all knew it was going to happen -- we were just waiting for the proverbial foot covering to plummet: the Golden Globes award ceremony has been canceled. No red carpet interviews, no pithy conversations between television and movie stars, no close-ups of actors or actresses laughing at jokes that really aren't that funny but seem totally hilarious after a few appletinis. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, along with NBC decided to scrap the ceremony after a boycott threat from representatives of the Screen Actors Guild. Rather than have an empty auditorium, all parties agreed to adopt another approach to the ceremony -- a extremely less glamorous one hour news conference where the award recipients will be named (to be aired at the same time the original show was to be broadcast). People close to the awards show say the HFPA will forgo the typical network payment for the news conference (somewhere around $5 million). NBC will have exclusive electronic rights for the press conference and will be able to sell advertising for it. Seems like a win for NBC, in my opinion.

And now a new pheature called...
MOVIES THAT LIED TO US

Big
What it Led Us to Believe: 1) Adults spend most of their time dancing on giant pianos, getting paid to test toys, and winning beautiful women away from their boyfriends, and all we have to do to become one is locate a magic robot gypsy. 2) A good place to start? Our local carnival. Because there's nothing that will end your childhood faster than sneaking around the darkened tents of a carnival backlot and asking whoever you run into if there's anything they'd care to show a little boy. (Actually, this turned out to be a pretty effective way of ending our childhood, though no magic robot gypsy was involved.) The Cold, Hard Truth: In the movie Big, Tom Hanks gets paid to tell a toy manufacturer which toys kids will like. You know what that's called? Market research. You know how much you get paid to do that in real life? A handful of Cheetohs and a Styrofoam cup of Sierra Mist. In reality, most adults make a living by selling off little pieces of their dignity to an asshole in a tie until they finally go home one night and "forget" to turn the car exhaust off in the garage. Also, gypsies aren't magic (unless looking crippled when you're not is magic) and playing the piano with your feet is a good way to get kicked out of most establishments. You really want to give up the next twelve years of your life in exchange for turning into Tom Hanks? Damaging False Beliefs Traceable to Film: Trampolines make good floors. Our nagging suspicion that all the pricks we meet are just kids trapped in adult bodies, and while we slowly suffocate in our own awkward neuroses, they are marveling at the wonder of the adult world. Elizabeth Perkins is a pedophile.

GEEK TALK

Last week, a minuscule comment from Anne Thompson led to Latino Review bursting out with a scoop they claimed was true -- that Warner Bros. would not be inviting Brandon Routh back to star in the next solo Superman flick, currently titled The Man of Steel. In her article, Thompson claimed that Bryan Singer would most likely not direct the film since he was too busy working on other projects, and that the next time we see the Superman character he would be part of the much-hyped Justice League of America. Cue AICN flying in to the rescue. According to the site, a "very high-ranking mole who is absolutely in a position to know what's happening with this film" said that whole Brandon Routh rumor was "absolutely false." That as of right now, Warner Bros. still wants Routh to return to the role, if and when another solo flick gets up and running. AICN tells us this is based on conversations as recent as a few weeks ago. One thing that's not mentioned, however, is whether Singer would return as director. Valkyrie is all but wrapped, and The Mayor of Castro Street shouldn't take that long to piece together. So if they plan to shoot this Superman film in, say, 2009 (for a summer 2010 release), then I don't see a problem with Singer making that schedule. Then again, perhaps the studio would rather someone else come in and take the reigns. Me? I don't care ... so long as Routh wears less make-up and bulks up a little more. I want the manly man version of Supes this time, not the teenage girl version. You?

MOVIE BUZZ

Neuromancer
Hayden Christensen is in talks to star in an adaptation of William Gibson's classic cyberpunk novel, directed by the guy who made Britney Spears' "Toxic" music video. The book is about a former star who loses his mind, becomes addicted to drugs and lives a hard life that's on the verge of killing him. Wait … is this sci-fi or Britney's biography?
Cloverfield
Just like Godzilla, J.J. Abrams' giant monster is the result of an environmental catastrophe in the fake viral video campaign that implies the creature has destroyed a deep-sea oil-drilling station. Also, news leaked that the great beast isn't killed at the end of the film. Instead, Al Gore adopts him as a pet.
G.I. Joe
Fans are outraged that comedian Marlon Wayans has been cast as one of the main Joes, but I think he's a great choice. He's already proven to be a master of disguise by starring as both a dwarf in Little Man and a ditzy girl in White Chicks.
Eagle Eye
Some fan set photos have captured Shia LaBeouf sporting a shotgun and a 5 o'clock shadow — and smoking cigarettes between takes of his thriller about a terrorist cell. Awww, isn't that cute? The baby-face teen is trying to look all grown up in some way other than being drunk and getting kicked out of a drugstore.
Four Christmases
Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn apparently haven't been getting along on the set of their new comedy, and now she's nixed a sex scene. What's her beef with him anyway? Did he have an affair with a twentysomething Australian actress, too?
Return of the Ice Kings
Be Kind Rewind's Michel Gondry is already back at work, preparing a "scientific" film about kids who invent a water that makes people hear music when they drink it. Let me guess: Gondry's hero is Timothy Leary.
Righteous Kill
The first pictures have come out of stars Robert De Niro, Al Pacino and Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson all together as cops investigating a serial killer. In one shot, we see Al having broken up a fight that started when Bobby told Curtis how much better he likes Kanye West.
Fight Club: The Musical
David Fincher is hoping to do for Fight Club what was done for Hairspray and The Producers: making it become a hit Broadway musical that gets remade again into a film. Sounds like a strange idea, but I'm interested in hearing what guys who get all their teeth knocked out might sound like singing.
Passengers
The Devil Wears Prada's Anne Hathaway is featured in two promo pics from the thriller in which she stars as a grief counselor who tries to comfort the survivors of a plane crash. She's really bad at her job, though. All she does is grill her patients about what clothes were in their suitcases when the plane went down.

That's it, phans, the latest entry of the Phile. I can't believe in two years since I started this thing, I posted over a hundred entries and had over 3000 views. Here's my new goal: 4000 views by Easter. On Saturday we are going to Ringling Brothers and Barnum Bailey's circus. I have been wanting to go for years. My wife Jen would go over her fear of clowns and I can see hot girls on the trapeeze. We used to go to the circus every year when I lived on Long Island, so this is a huge deal. I will post a review on the Myspace.com/peverettphile page on Sunday if I get a chance. Also, go to Foghat.com's Loentz's Emporium store and order some Foghat merch. Please. Until next week, spread the word not the turd. Peace.



















1 comment:

scottsoperson said...

mrs. obama said america is "just downright mean."

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