Thursday, December 6, 2007

Smack My Ass And Call Me Santa

Season's greetings, Phile Phans, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. I just got home from working late, so if this entry seems short, its probably because I fell asleep. So, you heard of Toys For Tots, right? Well, I want to start pu Toys For Tits. Sad news in Omaha. A gunman opened fire at a busy Omaha mall yesterday, killing at least eight people, wounding at least five others and then killing himself. The gunman left a suicide note that was found at his home which said he was "going out in style." Going out in style??? You are... I mean WERE in Omaha, for shits sake! A college student shoved a pumpkin pie into the face of a shopping-mall Santa Claus in Montana. He "lightly smooshed" the pie into the man's face Wednesday and shouted, "What do you think of that, Santa?" Hope you find the legal fees funny there, Einstein. Moron. So, this weekend my wife and her neice are going to go see Keith 
Urban twice in concert. If I was him, I wouldn't thrust my hips, roll my shoulder, make eye contact, hug my guitar, sweat, or sing. In fact, I wouldn't even show up. 
What am I talking about? Of course I would. I am doing that right now.


Evel Knievel: But he said his death would be "Glorious". I want a refund!


A man who robbed two other men he met through a telephone dating service has been arrested, police and sheriff's deputies said today. Mark Joseph Scott, 44, was arrested in St. Petersburg and charged with two counts of armed robbery, resisting with violence and battery on a law enforcement officer. Last Saturday, police say he arranged to go to the Indian Rocks Road house of a man he met through a telephone dating service. Once inside, he threatened the man with a knife, tied him up and stole some property. Two days later, he committed a similar crime at a residence off of Rosemary Lane, they said. Largo Police and Pinellas County Sheriff's Deputies worked on the cases together and developed Scott as a suspect. They arrested him after a brief struggle Wednesday in St. Petersburg, and say they recovered items taken from the victims' homes.


Guillotining of Mme. du Barry, mistress of Louis XV. "She screamed, she begged mercy of the horrible crowd that stood around the scaffold, she aroused them to such a point that the executioner grew anxious and hastened to complete his task."
At 9:05 AM, the munitions ship Mont Blanc explodes in Halifax harbor after being struck by another ship. It is the largest explosion before the atomic age. The ship was carrying 200 tons of TNT, 61 tons of gun cotton, 35 tons of Benzyl, and 2,300 tons of picric acid; the explosion destroys 325 acres of the city, leaving 1,900 people dead and injuring over 9,000.
A concert by the Rolling Stones at Altamont ends in the death of a fan at the hands of the Hells Angels, who were hired for security.
Televangelist Jim Bakker of the PTL ministry has a 15 minute quickie in a motel room with Jessica Hahn. The minister uses the line "When you help the shepherd, you're helping the sheep". Baaaa. PTL later pays Hahn hush money, but seven years later the incident becomes public and Bakker resigns in disgrace.
Three teenagers in Missouri beat a friend to death and blame the incident on heavy metal inspired satanism. The jury didn't buy their story, instead finding a pattern of drug use among the youths and evidence of animal torture during childhood by their ringleader.
Marc Lepine kills 14 women at Ecole Polytechnic, University of Montreal, and injures 15 others. It is the worst mass murder in Canadian history. On him is a suicide letter explaining his actions as being specific revenge against 19 "feminists who have ruined my life... I have decided to put an end to those viragos."


Q. What's female Viagra? A. Jewelry.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Q: Why are seagulls called seagulls? A: Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop.
Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.


Oh, my. The time is really getting down there for the kiddie pioneers of "Kid Nation". Next week is the season finale. So many deserving kids, so many kids who are mere faces in the crowd. Who will get the last few gold stars? Brains? Brawn? Need? Greed? What will be the criteria? Well, they're kids, so it's hard to say. But one thing is for sure, they'll be steered by the invisible adults in the background all the way to the decision. For me, that's been the nagging flaw of the show -- the amount of adult intervention. But the most enjoyable aspect of the show is getting to know the children themselves. The little kids are the ones I enjoy the most. Jared, with his crooked glasses and often odd headgear, spouting Shakespeare and quantum theories. Alex with his snaggly tooth and more knowledge of science than I had as a college senior. Even Zach, only ten years old, yet compassionate and wise beyond his years. Heck, even tonight Taylor showed a bit of maturity. Maybe there's hope after all, eh?


I have a lot of problems with Monday's season/fall finale of "Heroes". Why didn't Hiro freeze time again when he got into the vault with Adam? Why didn't Peter just stop time when Nathan was shot? Why was Nathan's press conference indoors when he was about to announce he could fly? What's the sense in killing Nathan and not Matt and Peter, when they can just show the world their powers? Why can't Hiro just go back in time to prevent Nathan from being killed, or why don't they just use Claire's blood (or Peter's?) to save him? And on and on and on it goes. I guess that's the problem of introducing time travel and immortality to a story. Anything can happen so it all seems ridiculous. Still, the show is a blast and I'll be back for the third volume. Creator Tim Kring has an interview over at where he talks about the finale. I won't tell you everything he has to say (he doesn't give any hints as to what the fates of Nathan and Niki are), but I would guess that the most interesting news is that the strike might actually help the show in a (small) way. Since the filming has been pushed back, Zachary Quinto (Syler) will probably be done filming Star Trek and be available for "Heroes" full-time again.


I'd just like to say that it's a pleasure to write about three films that aren't sequels: A brand new behind-the-scenes clip from Speed Racer has hit the net, courtesy of "Entertainment Tonight". In it, they go on set with Matthew Fox (aka Racer X) to learn a little about the cars, the film's vibe and the production. I hated the cartoon, but after seeing the trailer it looks so unbelievably awesome -- you seriously have no idea how insane this film is going to look. No idea. The Wachowski Brothers are back and they're officially bad ass to the bone. Just hold on because you're all in for one helluva ride when this puppy touches down in theaters on May 9. Looks like that live-action G.I. Joe project is slowly piecing together its cast. Slashfilm reports that Ray Park (better known as Darth Maul from Star Wars Episode I) has been cast as Snake Eyes. Those fans of the toyline, animated series and comic books will remember Snake Eyes as this mysterious ninja character who is known for his martial arts capabilities. the day? Anyway, Sienna Miller has already been cast as the Baroness, evil sidekick to Destro. So whaddya think of Ray Park? Maul is back baby! Finally, Paramount is sending around a new photo from Iron Man, which looks pretty damn awesome. In the film, which arrives in theaters on May 2, Robert Downey Jr. kicks off a whole new superhero franchise as the alcoholic, multi-millionaire-turned-robot loving madman, Tony Stark. He builds this suit, kicks some ass, woos Gwyneth Paltrow (Pepper Potts) and, at some point, runs into Samuel L. Jackson as fellow Marvel hero Nick Fury. Here's hoping director Jon Favreau kicks off the Summer of '08 with a bang ... and a boom.


The Dark Knight
There's a new teaser poster out and reports now say Batman doesn't even appear in the film's first six minutes, which will be shown before I Am Legend IMAX screenings. Instead, the Joker pulls off a bank robbery then kills his henchmen, who are all dressed like clowns. I ask you, is that something Jack Nicholson would have done? By the way, you can see the poster on the Phile's Myspace page.
Public Enemies
Johnny Depp might join Michael Mann's biopic about the legendary bank robber John Dillinger who once allegedly busted out of jail using a fake gun carved out of a potato. After spending so much time with knives on Sweeney Todd, Johnny is looking to work with much safer props.
Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay
There's several promo photos showing the boys, among other things, in a sex shop with Neil Patrick Harris and with two lingerie-clad babes in an airplane hanger. Of course, it would be better to be hanging with the girls in the sex shop, but anything's better than being stuck in the Cuban prison.
Iron Man and
The Incredible Hulk
The two superheroes may cross over into each other's movies next year, in secretly filmed scenes. That'd be cool. It'd be like watching the Jolly Green Giant opening a can of peas.
Will Ferrell gets his '70s groove on while sporting extra short basketball shorts and a giant afro in the movie. The reason his hair's so high is that his character's signature move is to hide the ball in there just before he makes a big shot.
The Tale of the Body Thief
It looks like Tom Cruise is going to have to stay out of the sun and transform himself into a pasty-faced freak to portray the vampire Lestat in this sequel to Interview With the Vampire. It also looks like Katie is preparing herself to audition for a co-starring role.
The Gate
The cult Stephen Dorff-starring horror film from the '80s about tiny demons overrunning a suburban house is getting a modern remake with high-tech F/X. Meanwhile, Dorff is busy sitting at home remaking his brief five-month relationship with Pamela Anderson in his mind.
I Am Legend director Francis Lawrence is now back on to make a movie out of the novel by Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club), about a guy who intentionally crashes an airplane. The film was originally going to be made back in 2001, but production halted at the time. Hmmm, I can't imagine why …
Tanner Hall
A rejected UPN pilot by Ringo Starr's daughter about girls living at a boarding school is being reworked into a feature film. Awesome! Now maybe they can finally make a big-screen version of my favorite UPN show, "Homeboys in Outer Space".
Gucci Biopic
Ridley Scott has announced yet another project, a biopic of Maurizio Gucci who ran the family fashion business in the '80s and '90s and who was gunned down in front of his house. An overzealous stickler caught him coming out wearing white pants after Labor Day and went berserk.
And now, the review of...
starring Jerry Seinfeld, RenĂ©e Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, Patrick Warburton, John Goodman, Chris Rock, Kathy Bates, Barry Levinson, Larry King, Ray Liotta, Sting, Oprah Winfrey, Larry Miller, Megan Mullally, Rip Torn, and Michael Richards. First, it's about a bee that dreams of being outside the hive instead of working nonstop; then it's about a bee — same bee — falling in love with Zellweger, which is weird, and the whole interspecies romance thing is never fully explained; then it's about a bee — still, same bee, and from here on out, I'll still be talking about the same bee — that's upset that humans are eating honey; then it's about a bee that becomes a lawyer and sues the people of Earth; finally, it's about a bee that flies a jet airplane. They could do this forever with sequels. The next movie, he'll be a bee that wants to make artisanal cheese who becomes hell-bent on revenge when his family is attacked by street thugs. Every 10 minutes or so, something that'll make you laugh happens. The true moral(s) of the film are there's no place like home. Have dreams but be realistic about them. Don't be lazy or anti-work. If you're Ray Liotta or Sting, have final say on how they design a character that's supposed to look just like you. As for as CGI animated movies go, there's no end in sight. They can keep making these forever. They can make another bee movie if they want. They did it with ants. IT WILL NEVER END. Anyway, I gave it a ten rom a scale of 1 to 10. I hate bees, but after seeing this movie, I kinda think they're cool.

Well, there you have another entry of the Phile, and as I write this, it's 12:30, and I am tired as hell. Check out the Peverett Phile at Myspace as well as and Until next week, spread the word, not the turd.

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