Thursday, December 27, 2007

I Am Slacker

Hello, welcome to the Phile, the most updated blog on the internet. So, was Santa good to you lot? Logan got from Santa a Flying V guitar, a telescope and a digital camera. All
he needs is a swivel chair and he could make a remake of the Goo-Goo Dolls "Iris" video. I got a shit load of DVD's, so I will be busy for the next few weeks. Santa left one of his white gloves behind at our house, so for the rest of the 
night he flew around like Michael Jackson. I just came back from seeing I Am Legend. It will be reviewed later, but it was about a guy played by Will smith and his dog Sam. The movie was going to be called I Am Sam but there was already a movie with that name. Did you hear about that tiger that attacked and killed two men? For a moment I thought that Tigger was in trouble again. So, this is the last entry of 2007. My new year's resolutions is to loose 15 pounds by February, and to deny that Jessica Alba's baby is mine. In 2008 I will hit 20 years at Disney as 
well as 40 years of age. This whole blog is pretty much a tribute to 2007, which is going to heaven. Soon 
it'll be 2008, ain't it great?

Florida, well-known for its theme parks and beaches, has another - more dubious - distinction, a tendency toward bizarre news and 2007 was no exception. There was the battle over former Playboy model Anna Nicole Smith's body, the city manager who was fired after he became a she, and the love triangle involving the female astronaut who drove 1 609km, allegedly using diapers to save time, to confront a romantic rival. But beyond those headlines, there was so much more. Two-time Nascar Busch Series champion Martin Truex was caught urinating on a car. Asked by a police officer if it was worth a $100 fine, he held out a $100 bill only to be charged with disorderly intoxication. There were plenty of strange stories fuelled by alcohol.
Proving that drinking and driving still do not mix, a 30-year-old woman taking driving lessons ran over her instructor. Her blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit. Then there was the mug shot of a 41-year-old woman arrested in Tampa for driving while intoxicated whose T-shirt read, "I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings." In the town of Largo, police were left baffled after being called to a bar disturbance only to have one intoxicated man call for help saying
he was surrounded by police. A10-year-old girl faced a felony charge in Ocala after she brought a kitchen knife to school to cut the steak she brought for lunch. Two Tampa-area middle-schoolers were arrested on charges they tried to poison their science teacher by pouring a fabric freshener into her soda. A Tampa-area mom was sentenced to a year in jail after boarding a school bus and telling her daughter to fight another girl. As always there were plenty of dumb crimes to report. A man with no arms and one leg who refused to stop driving was sentenced to five years in prison after the latest in a long list of driving offences. A former felon swopping his old clothes for new ones in a department store dressing room was caught because his old prison ID badge was in the pants he left behind. A Tampa woman was charged with faking her teenage daughter's death to scam a medical clinic out of $500 (R3 500) for funeral expenses. She had spent two years in prison for faking her husband's death to
collect insurance four years earlier. A man trying to rob a pharmacy got stuck in an air shaft for 10 hours. He said he was trying to retrieve a cat. A burglary suspect fleeing Miccosukee Tribe police jumped into a lake where signs warn "Danger Live Alligators." He was killed by an alligator. For pet lovers, there was the story of the man who was arrested after authorities found 300 cats in his home, which was covered in faeces 5 to 8cm deep. Others were more tragic. The owner of an exotic animal farm in Wewahitchka died after an 816kg camel sat on her as a local TV station filmed a feature story. As for weird police stories, Orlando-area police gave away sneakers for people who turned in guns and got a little more than they expected
when a man exchanged a 1.2m long surface-to-air missile launcher for sneakers for his young daughter. There were robbers with a heart. An Altamonte Springs gunman let a convenience store clerk call 911 during a robbery because she said she might be having a heart attack. He then stole $30 and cigarettes saying as he left, "I'm sorry". A man in St Lucie County went to hospital and told doctors he had woken up with a bad headache. Doctors quickly found the cause of the pain - a bullet. The couple confessed the wife slept with a gun under her pillow and accidentally shot her husband when a burglar alarm went off.


Frank Capra Jr: Guess what line of work he was in.
Ruth Wallis: Heave Ho, Heave Ho.
Oscar Peterson: Dead AND Canadian.


Mae West performs an "Adam & Eve" skit that gets her banned from NBC radio.
Abu Nidal gunmen open fire at Rome and Vienna airports in coordinated attacks, killing 18 holiday travelers.
Harry Connick, Jr., was arrested at Kennedy Airport in New York City after telling authorities he had an unloaded 9mm pistol in his luggage, which he said he had forgotten that his sister had given to him.
I saw I Am Legend in the movies and purchased an Iron Man t-shirt from Hot Topic and a Barenaked Ladies concert DVD from Borders. 


The big news on Sunday’s episode of "The Amazing Race 12" was the appearance of this season’s first non-elimination leg. In July, The Orlando Sentinel’s TV critic, Hal Boedeker, reported that the non-elimination legs had been dropped, citing a conversation with one of the series’ executive producers, Jonathan Littman. Boedeker didn’t quote Littman, but reported, “The show will will do two fewer episdoes [sic] and drop the noneliminations to create more excitement.” Later, executive producer and showrunner Bertram Van Munster confirmed that, telling Reality TV World, “The audience and ourselves, we’re not crazy about non-eliminations. It’s exciting to see people eliminated at the end of every episode. … Penalties just make it murky. This is just such a clean-cut concept, it’s not about finding more penalties and hurdles for people. That’s not what this thing is about. I think the audience and our fans like eliminations from what we understand. .. For the contestants, the heat’s on every step of the way. Every leg of the way the heat is on because they can be eliminated.”
While host Phil Keoghan’s introduction to the race in the first episode suggested this was coming, with fewer eliminations than pit stops, but I assumed that meant another twist, like legs that spanned multiple episodes. Anyway, this revelation came at the end of a rather thrilling episode, one that was packed with action and drama and made those boring-ass airport episodes worth the wait. Let’s just hope it keeps up. On board a ferry to Italy, Vyxsin said, “This is the time to get serious,” and together they touched up their makeup, because as we all know, the key to successful travel is good makeup. Whoever writes the subtitles decided viewers were too dumb to understand Italian city names, so they translated them to their English versions, even when the audio was clear. Every time an Italian person would direct a team to “Firenze,” the on-screen title would say “Florence,” even though the person clearly said “Firenze.”
TK and Rachel left their clue on a table, and also apparently missed the clue of their camera operator zooming in on it while they ran off to their car. That led to conflict, although they fight like they’re stoned. “Did you check your pockets?” Rachel asked. “I don’t have pockets,” TK said. After the recovered the clue, he said, “This has been too much, man. I’m too mellow to handle this.” See? Phil introduced this season’s only Fast Forward, which was rather evil (“Where’d they think this shit up?” Donald asked). Phil explained that teams attempting the Fast Forward “will discover that they have to have a permanent tattoo drawn on their body, the letters ff, which stand for ‘fast forward.’” They apparently had to have it on their upper arm, which Nicolas and his grandfather went for with surprisingly little hesitation, although we’d expect that from Nicolas, who isn’t exactly the sharpest needle in the tattoo parlor. Jen, who is not at all self-centered, said, “I was really impressed that Nate actually listened to me.” Yes, it’s often impressive when others are impressed by you. Christina cried out, “Daddy!” and Ronald replied, with a rather indignant tone, “What? What?” She’s such a whiner; he was only driving away without her as she stood at the open car door, with her feet about to be run over by the tire. In 12 seasons of this show, I can’t remember a team member threatening suicide if their teammate ignored them, but that’s what we during the dating goths’ first real meltdown. As Vyxsin accelerated down a narrow street, Kynt screamed, “Stop this car! Stop this car Vyxsin! You’re not capable. I’m going to jump out if you don’t stop!” Alas, he did not. When Kynt and Vyxsin checked in last, Phil told them they were safe. “This is the first of only two non-elimination legs,” Phil told them, and explained the new penalty. “Some time during the next leg of the race, you’re going to encountera new twist in the race, and it’s called a speedbump. A speedbump is only you have to complete while the other teams have to keep racing. You don’t know when it’s coming.” Just like misinformation from producers promoting their show.


My post-Christmas stomach is in very bad shape ... Some new artwork from this summer's The Incredible Hulk has arrived online, and while it's still only artwork (in fact, all we've seen so far of this film has been artwork), it's definitely a piece that should whet your appetite for destruction. Arriving in theaters on June 13, this version of the Hulk stars Edward Norton as the emotionally-conflicted Bruce Banner, who's on the run hiding from authorities, as well as his own demons. Tim Roth will play Hulk's nemesis Emil Blonsky, while Liv Tyler (Betty Ross), William Hurt (Gen. Ross) and Tim Blake Nelson (Samuel Sterns) also star. That TV movie/series launch/contemporary re-boot of Knight Rider now has a very very brief 15-second teaser trailer online for all of you to geek out over. While there's not much except the uncovering of the new, updated car, we do get to hear a brief snippet of that classic Knight Rider music, followed by some other, flashy TV music. Ah, and Will Arnett as the voice of KITT -- does it seriously get any better than that? From the official Knight Rider press release: "The movie stars Justin Bruening ("Cold Case," "All My Children"), Deanna Russo ("NCIS," "The Young and the Restless"), Sydney Tamiia Poitier ("Veronica Mars," "Grindhouse") and Bruce Davison ("Breach," "Close to Home"). In addition, David Hasselhoff (NBC's "America's Got Talent") - who starred in the popular lead role as Michael Knight for four seasons during the original series - returns as the same character in a special guest-star appearance. Will Arnett (NBC's "30 Rock," "Blades of Glory") will provide the voice of KITT." Don't you love how Hasselhoff's credit is from "America's Got Talent", as if no one would remember the dude's awesome turn in TV's "Baywatch". Finally, we haven't heard much about the Pixar film arriving in between Wall-E (2008) and Toy Story 3 (2010), titled Up. Now, Upcoming Pixar has picked up a note from the film'sofficial wikipedia entry which stated that Up may in fact be a "re-telling, somewhat, of the classic Don Quixote fable." Here's what we have so far by way of a synopsis for Up; let the speculation begin: "Pete Docter and co-director Bob Peterson are preparing this "coming-of-old-age story" about a seventysomething guy who lives in a house that "looks like your grand-parents' house smelled." He befriends a clueless young Wilderness Ranger and gets into lots of alter kocker altercations. Says Pixar: "Our hero travels the globe, fights beasts and villains and eats dinner at 3:30 in the afternoon." (via CinemaBlend)


Losing your mind was all the rage this year. We browsed through the loony bin for the dingiest broads.
Ellen DeGeneres:
(Man, she made it on two lists). Daytime´s number two televesbian violated her adoption agreement when she tried to regift the terrier she got from Mutts & Moms. So the rescue group took it back, causing Ellen to snap into her own private Vietnam on live TV. Imagine the public bawling when heterosexuality comes to take back Portia de Rossi.
Chris Crocker: This quasi-sexual´s career got its jump start after a viral video hit the Web featuring him hysterically begging the public to "leave Britney alone!" Yeah, ´cause Britney (too obvious a choice for this list) needs someone more bat shit than she is stepping to her defense.
Amy Winehouse: We´ve taken a lot of shots at Wine-o, but after the year she´s had—three minutes in rehab, on- and off-stage escapades with coke, and bloody fights with her husband—the woman left us no frigging choice.
Lisa Marie Nowak: This astronaut reportedly wore diapers to avoid pit stops during her breakneck drive from Houston to Orlando, where prosecutors say she attempted to kidnap the girlfriend of a former coworker. Lab tests of the soiled undergarments found in her car by investigators revealed digested Tang and dehydrated ice cream.


A police officer stops a local for speeding, and asks very plainly, “May I see your license and registration, sir.” The local replied with a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away from me, now you expect me to show it to you?!?”

And now for a year in review version of...

The Dark Knight
Who cares about Christian Bale? Now it's all about the great Heath Ledger vs. Jack Nicholson debate. For Heath's "interpretation" of the Joker, seen in the great trailer, he said he locked himself in a hotel room for a month and imagined becoming a person who thought AIDS is funny. And Michelle Williams called off their engagement why?
We all knew giant robots beating the crud out of each other was going to be awesome, but Shia LaBeouf played the perfect everyman and genuinely seems like a person who won't get drunk on his own stardom. Getting drunk and making an ass out of himself at 2 a.m. at a Walgreens? That's a different story.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
For all the joking about Harrison Ford's advanced age, this return to the franchise sounds like it'll be more Raiders and less Temple of Doom. I just fear that I'm going to have more gray hair on my head than Ford by the time a trailer is finally released.
Spider-Man 3
So, the trilogy wrapped up with a whimper instead of a bang, and it was hard to figure out who was crying more: Toby, Kirsten or the fans who felt let down.
Cloverfield and
The two most badass looking movies of 2008 are both being released in January. That's a month with so much brutal awesomeness in it that I fear the rest of the year is going to have to hang its head in shame.
Star Trek
I'm thrilled the franchise is coming back and that J.J. Abrams' film will mostly feature Spock. All those months training myself to do that stupid Vulcan hand gesture hasn't gone to waste.
Iron Man
This third-tier superhero may turn out to be the biggest hit of next year. While I still say he looks like a guy who can be defeated with a can opener, the Ozzy Osbourne-fueled trailer gets me pumped.
More hyped than just about any other film this past year, it ended up being the biggest financial disaster, too. So, Middle America wasn't ready for a three-and-a-half-hour homage to the sleazy movies that nobody saw back in the '70s in the first place? Who would have guessed.
Justice League of America
It seemed like 2007 went by with a daily rumor about which "hot" young actor was going to play which superhero. Now the whole project seems up in the air, thanks to the writers strike. I say they just cut up old comic books, animate the mouths like they did with those '60s Captain America cartoons and be done with it.
And I thought I was a dork for drawing superheroes on the backs of my notebooks.
Live Free or Die Hard
Let's see now. Bald hero does impossible stunts along with a funny, sarcastic, spikey-haired sidekick and is based on a 20-year-old franchise. Is it any wonder I keep getting this flick mixed up with The Simpsons Movie?
More than any other trailer, this is the one where more people came up to me, screaming in my face because they were so totally freaked out by it. I don't understand why. I mean, it's just … Wait. She has teeth where? Oh my God, that's horrible!
And now a review of
starring Will Smith. Smith is a military scientist and the last man alive after a worldwide epidemic wipes out all humans. His daytime companion is a really loyal dog. His nighttime enemies are the undead superhuman vampire zombies left in the wake of the epidemic. He may have a cure for the disease, but it'll mean capturing one of them and using it as a guinea pig before they figure out where his locked-down lab is. And before he goes nuts himself from the isolation. You hope against hope that big movie stars will choose projects that strike the balance between polishing their heroic, crowd-pleasing image and delivering unstupid films to a mass audience. OK, actually you wish they'd all go off and make weird movies with interesting directors like Nicole Kidman does. But failing that, you hope for solid popcorn movies that you won't regret having spent money on as soon as the lights go up. So this is one of those popcorn movies. It moves fast, it's exciting, it's suspenseful, stuff blows up, and, best of all, Smith isn't smirking and showboating. It balks at the moral ambiguity of the 1954 novel it's based on (in that one, the last man on Earth unwittingly kills people who aren't part of the vampire-zombie hordes), but you can't have everything. Cameo that made me happy and then disappointed within the first 60 seconds: Emma Thompson opens the movie as a doctor who's discovered the cure for all cancers. I thought, "Oh, good, I dig Emma Thompson." After that scene, the screen goes black and reads: "Three years later." You see New York City overgrown with weeds. Wild animals roaming free. No people anywhere. And then it's pretty much a guarantee that Thompson won't be around for the rest of it, having been the unwitting angel of death for all humanity. Bummer. The coolest thing about this story: It's like a sponge that can absorb whatever social anxieties exist during the era it's set in. The '50s novel can be a metaphor for the Cold War; the Charlton Heston film version, The Omega Man, includes a Manson-like madman and his group called "The Family"; and this one's subtext is everyone's current fixation on superbugs, bird flu, apocalypse and the end of the world. A few weeks ago, I was in a multiplex near my house, and lined up on the wall were Coming Soon posters for this movie, Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem and Cloverfield. If that's not a collective cultural subtext happening, then there's no such thing.

There you have it, Phile Phans, the last entry of 2007. On Jan. 8th the Phile will be two years old, and I am not stopping yet. The next entry will be next Thursday, and in the meantime, check out the Phile's Myspace page at and where you can buy new merch from Loentz's Emporium. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. See ya next year.

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