Thursday, December 13, 2007

Oh Come All Ye Adore Me

Season's greetings, and welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, I am your host, the golden comp-ass. Or platinum bastard, one of the two. Did you see that movie,
The Golden Compass? I did and will review it in this blog. Anyway, in the movie, all humans have animals called deamons as pets. Some have leopards, some have dogs, some have monkeys, and so on. If it was real, and I had a daemon, knowing my luck it'll be an elephant and I wouldn't be able to go out bcause it'll be so big. Or a skunk, or Walter the Farting Dog. Last weekend a lady tried to get into the Magic Kingdom with 
gun, scissors and a knife in her trenchcoat pockets, and she was arrested. I don't know what the big deal is, I go to work at Disney every day with a rocket in my pocket. Expect cheers among hardcore online game enthusiasts when they learn Merriam-Webster's Word of the Year. Or, more accurately, expect them to "w00t."
"W00t," a hybrid of letters and numbers used by gamers as an exclamation of happiness or triumph, topped all other terms in the Springfield-based dictionary publisher's online poll for the word that best sums up 2007. That's st00pid. Webster's word of the year is the same as every year. #^%%@! It means "I'm 39 Fucking Years Old so stop Fucking picking me up, asshole!" Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison Monday for running a "cruel and inhumane" dogfighting ring and lying about it. This has got to be the most expensive personal eff-up in the history of mankind. $100 Million is gone and will probably never come back. Well, one thing will be sure. He will NOT be able to play Tight End. His new position will be Wide Receiver. Yes, I KNOW he's a QB.


Ike Turner: Looks like he beat Tina to death.


A 25-year-old man in Winter Haven was arrested after police said he ran over his neighbor's front yard Christmas decorations and then shot the man several times. A Polk County Sheriff's Office report said Matthew Lankford became involved in an altercation involving his sister and neighbor Douglas Sheldon. Lankford got into a vehicle and drove over Sheldon's Christmas decorations that were in the front yard.
Witnesses said Lankford retrieved a .45-caliber gun and shot Sheldon several times in the arm and abdomen. Witnesses said Sheldon did not appear to have any weapons.
Sheldon was transported to Lakeland Regional Medical Center in stable condition.
Lankford was charged with attempted murder in connection with the shooting. Looks like the Grinch came early this year.


The feast of St. Lucy. Because her extreme beauty attracted too many admirers, Lucy gouged her own eyes out. Miraculously they grew back. After refusing to marry, the Romans forced her to become a whore. Early depictions show Lucy offering her eyes on a platter; she is now the patron saint of Sicily and of opticians.
The Japanese Army occupies Nanking, China. For the next three weeks, with the unspoken permission of the army, soldiers literally rape the city, committing untold individual acts of atrocity and killing 350,000 civilians. The Rape of Nanking remains an event unacknowledged and unapologized by the Japanese government.
A fire at a Knights of Columbus men's dance in St. Johns, Newfoundland cooks approximately 100 people. The exits were locked.
The Reverend Jim Jones is arrested in a cruisy movie theater bathroom in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, Jones had the bad luck to hit on an undercover LAPD vice officer while masturbating in the Westlake Theatre men's room.
Twelve people die in a religious sacrifice in Tijuana. Industrial alcohol is introduced into fruit punch of ceremony recipients. It is unknown whether the incident constituted suicide or murder.


Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Wanna go ride bikes?


It's been noted in press reports that the alleged charges brought against "Kid Nation" have been dropped and the state of New Mexico won't be pursuing them. After watching the entire season, I can see why. For whatever flaws the show might have had (and it had several), it didn't seem to measure up to any sort of child abuse or violation of child labor laws. The pre-season brouhaha cited the lack of adult supervision as a big problem. Alas, for me, it was all of the adult intervention which became the biggest issue I had with the show. It wasn't the kids -- they were overall a fantastic bunch! There hasn't been an announcement whether there will be another season of the show or not. They had been accepting applications on the CBS website, but the deadline is long past and the link for applying has vanished. I think if they do have another season, a tad less blatant direction of the kids is in order. I know they can't just let the kids go wild -- maybe some ground rules, but I personally think that journal should be buried under the not selected "Kid Nation" monument. Tonight's finale opened with kids waxing eloquently about their fellow kids. Once again, I keep wondering about the editing and time frames of some of the scenes. Throughout the season, Greg's chin scrape has appeared and disappeared. Kids wear jackets and it seems very cold, then the next scene they're looking comfortable in short sleeve t-shirts. What's up with that? So, what happens to the "pioneers" when structure is removed from their lives in town? Mike discovered the job board moved to the center of a street and on fire. And, then it started. Absolute chaos reigned as the kids were told they had no more jobs or responsibilities for the remaining two days. Uh-oh.
The candy and dry goods stores were looted. It reminded me of outright looting seen during riots, the blackout of 1977 in NYC, and such. Oh, without the danger or anger in those situations, but certainly with the wanton destruction of property and the theft issues. But then there are those kids. You know which ones -- the kids with a conscience. I'm talking Zach, Sophia, DK, and others. Even some who initially got taken in with the idea of all the candy they could barf came around to their senses.
The next day, the kids all came together and cleaned up the mess from the madness of the night before. Aw, such a perfect little world they have going on there, don't they? I don't think that happened after many of the real life lootings. Sure, friends and some volunteers help out, but you don't see the looters return to clean up their mess. Then adult host Jonathan Karsh announced there would be no showdown and the council had to decide right then and there (after a brief discussion) who would be the last gold star recipient. DK, who might be a bit too sensitive for his own good, cried because he didn't want to make such an important decision. Now, I like DK, but he does need to toughen up just a bit. I think the council made a good decision is choosing Zach. He cries sometimes too, but on the whole he controls his emotions a bit more than DK. He's a good worker, has great moral values, and was the perfect choice for the final golden star, I think. But, of course, it wasn't the final golden star as we would find out on their Day 40. In the meantime, Migle ended up getting hyped up, as did Morgan.
That's another faux pas with the show. I realize they feel they might have to remind us of the value of some kids. After all, there were 40 of them (37 in the finale). No, we can't remember them all by face and name. Sometimes I'd see a kid and wonder where they were all season. Sometimes kids who were featured prominently in an episode or two vanish into the woodwork. Divad is an example of a woodwork child. But it's always a dead giveaway when the show focused on a child or two other than some of the key players like Jared, Greg, Zach, Laurel, other council leaders, etc. With no real showdown, they kind of had a showdown. The kids had to prepare for a Bonanza City Bonanza party by completing three tasks in an alloted time frame. The reward would be three huge $50,000 gold stars awarded as opposed to the ones throughout the season which were merely $20,000. Looking at it from my jaded adult view, I could see that the whole thing was set up to make the kids all work together as a team to accomplish their goals. Heck, even some of the kids there could see it. But work together they did -- making a huge spaghetti meal from scratch which included making the pasta and crushing tomatoes for the sauce. Then they had to build picnic tables and finally, they had to bury all of the trash from their dump. They made it within the time frame and got an added treat. Their parents all came! Woohoo! Tears of joy all around and lots of hugging. I noticed that Alex seemed to shun physical hugging ... interesting. The kids got to show off their town and a good time was had by all.
Then it got down to business. The parents went with the children for the last town hall meeting. Sophia was the first one selected to win one of the big gold stars. Like the Zach choice, I think it was well-deserved. She's been a rock through the whole show and a good worker, too. And, another thing I like about her is that she will speak her mind. She really held concern about the town on the whole and her own personal work ethic was admirable. Then it was Morgan and Migle, not unexpectedly at all due to the build-up. I'm sure they're deserving kids. But I would have liked to see Mike get one. That excitable boy tried so hard throughout the season that I thought he might pop blood vessels in his excited phase. My main little man Jared never won a gold star, but I think he won a lot of hearts over out there. He wasn't always a hard worker. He also didn't always behave like an angel. But he's such an oddly delightful and intelligent child that I'm sure he could very well win that Nobel Prize sometime in the future. For me, he's one of the reasons I enjoyed the show so much. Will there be another "Kid Nation"? I really don't know at this time. But if there is, I'd be tempted to watch it once again just to get to know the kids. How about you? If they return, what changes would you suggest?


When am I gonna learn how to punch? AICN is posting a nutty rumor today with regards to the new Justice League flick. Remember how director George Miller had said recently during the AFI Awards that when it goes before cameras, Justice League would have a different name? Well, according to a tipster, that name may have already been leaked by Batman. No, not the rumored-to-be-playing-Batman, Armie Hammer, but the other Batman, Christian Bale. Here's what they claim: "Christian Bale was on Nova (FM) today in an interview (pre-recorded I assume) for "Yuma" and said he has "nothing to do with AMERICAN HEROES, and their Batman will be different to our Batman." Wait, so are they calling it American Heroes? WTF? Personally, not only do I think it's a horrible title, but there's no way Warner Bros. will go with a title that could potentially hinder box office sales worldwide. This is the same issue G.I. Joe was having; how they're apparently going out of their way to include a wide array of characters from different countries in order to make it less American and more world-friendly. I doubt this is the title, but if it was, what do you think?


Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
George Lucas swore that he'd have a trailer ready for fans byChristmas, but instead all we get is a crummy painted poster. George, here's a New Year's resolution for you: Don't lie.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
The funny first 10 minutes of the John C. Reilly comedy are now online, and they show his character as a young boy and his brother growing up on a farm and getting involved in dangerous stunts like playing chicken with a tractor and dueling with machetes. At least those things are better than daring each other to experience their "first time" with the livestock. By the way, I downloaded the soundtrack from iTunes and it's great.
Star Trek
Some fan caught the first blurry pictures of Chris Pine as Captain Kirk wearing some kind of strange orange outfit. However, with the recent sentencing of Kiefer Sutherland and Michael Vick, maybe orange jumpsuits are the wave of the future in fashion.
There's a newer, more action-filled trailer for the sci-fi film that features Hayden Christensen being able to teleport himself anywhere in the world, including on top of famous landmarks like Big Ben and the Sphinx. The only place not so fun to find oneself on? Sitting on top of the Washington Monument.
Bio-Dome 2
Stephen Baldwin says he's going to star in a sequel with or without his co-star. Who would have thought after all these years it would be Pauly Shore who would be the one to hold onto his last shred of dignity?
Cop Movie
Keenen Ivory, Shawn and Marlon Wayans, the guys behind the first two Scary Movies, are planning to do the exact same thing for action flicks. So, they'll make one semi-decent comedy that spawns an endless series of unfunny crap.
The Grudge star Sarah Michelle Gellar is starring in another remake of a Japanese film. This time, her dead husband possesses her creepy brother-in-law. Gellar loves being in Japanese remakes so much she's even sewn her own rubber Godzilla suit just in case.
The A-Team
The big screen update of the beloved '80s TV series may have scored a decent director: Boyz in the Hood's John Singleton. The new version also promises to be more violent and sexier than the show ever was, which I hope means there's plenty of scenes where the team's van is a-rockin'.
Machine Girl
Some sites are saying that this incredibly gory film about a girl who gets her arm cut off and replaces it with a machine gun is going to be next year's big cult hit. I'll recommend watching the gross trailer, but there's so much blood spraying in this thing you might want to put a raincoat on first.
In the trailer, Brendan Fraser has the magical ability to bring any fantasy character he wants to life. If I had that power, I know who I'd conjure up first: Smurfette.
Whip It
Drew Barrymore is going to make her directing debut about women's roller derby, where girls strap on skates, zip around in a circle and elbow, punch and knock each other down. I've had a couple of dates that sound very similar.
And now for the review of
starring Nicole Kidman, Daniel Craig, Dakota Blue Richards, Ben Walker, Eva Green, Sam Elliott, Christopher Lee, and the voices of Freddie Highmore, Ian McKellen, Ian McShane, Kristin Scott Thomas and Kathy Bates. A headstrong young girl named Lyra (newcomer Richards) holds the keys to the upcoming battle between worldwide oppression and … um … dust. OK, they don't explain the significance of the dust exactly, except that all matter seems to come from it, and the "Magisterium" (this story's stand-in for the Church) hates it when people talk about it and would like to outlaw any acknowledgment of its existence. The girl gets involved with a truth-telling compass, an alcoholic warrior bear, some traveling Romany-ish folks, a child-theft conspiracy led by Kidman, spirit-guide animals and a gang of foxy witches. Look, it all makes sense when you watch it.
It moves at a land-speed-record pace, which might bug some people, because you never really get time to breathe (it's in that much of a crazy fire-engine hurry), but that's because they've got a lot of stuff to pack in. And the character of Lyra is as emotionally involving as Luke Skywalker and Frodo. No, I don't think that's an exaggeration, so save your e-mails. Why aren't there awards for voice casts? Because McKellen as the armored-covered warrior bear Iorek Byrnison makes you wish you could have your own armor-covered warrior bear guarding your back. He makes this CG animal majestic and troubled and brave and moving. That's deserving of some sort of prize. Cookie bouquet. Something. I saw this ad for Botox recently and its newtagline is "express yourself," which is pretty funny considering that injecting it into your head makes you look like you've been cryogenically frozen. And although I have no hardcore evidence that Kidman is addicted to the stuff, I think we can all agree that her face looks a little different than it used to. Here, her recently acquired facial immobility (she is able to move her eyebrows though — I paid attention) really works for her character, upping the icy, creepy evil she wants to project. As usual, she's on point. Note to Atheists: It might be subtextually anti-organized religion and, thematically, the flipside of the Narnia coin, but it exists in a magical spiritual world all the same, one where souls are real and locked in battle with evil forces. So just because the hard-core religious people will protest it, don't think this movie is some kind of answer to your prayers. From 1 to 10, I give it a 6. 

There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile. Check out the Phile at as well as and Until next week, spread the word, not the turd. Peace!

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