Welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet. Guess what, kids? You did it. We have reached 3000 views. My goal was to hit 3000 by Christmas and we hit it a week before Thanksgiving. Bloody cool if you ask me. So, all the late night talk shows are on repeats because of the writer's strike, so that means I can't rip off anybody's monologue. Crap. Okay, I'll come up with ALL the jokes for once. So, the other day this guy drove by a gas station and pooped all in his pants. He took his clothes off and threw them to the side of the road. A bum sitting there woke up, and swatted away at the flying clothes. He looked at it and said, "Man, I just beat the shit out of someone." So, Matt Damon was voted People Magazine's most sexiest man. I didn't even get an honorable mention. In Disneyland On Friday, workers at the Anaheim theme park spotted a guest on the ride sprinkling an unidentified substance into the water, prompting them to close the attraction and alert police. That's not to be confused with the unidentified substance I left in the Epcot Cast Cafeteria bathroom. A Dutch teenager has been arrested for allegedly stealing virtual furniture from rooms in Habbo Hotel, a 3D social networking website. How can you steal something from a virtual hotel? In related news, an American child
was arrested from stealing virtual furniture from Webkins. The U.S. Sentencing Commission is considering retroactive changes that could mean shortened sentences for nearly 20,000 federal prisoners convicted of crack cocaine related offenses. Yeah, release the crackheads! Hey, why is it called shipment when you take something in a car, and cargo when you take something on a boat? Researchers unveiled a skeleton of the elephant-sized Nigersaurus taqueti this week. Nigersaurus had a wide mouth shaped like the intake slot of a vacuum cleaner and a light-weight skull that let it graze for long periods. They were going to call it Shaniquasaurus. It was found right next to another dinosaur with a grin on his face and its penis next to the Nigersaurus' mouth. When he heard of the name of the dinosuar Al Sharpton demanded scientists change the name. Hey, why is it everytime you hear of a man named Tiny he is 300 pounds? Two of country music's biggest stars are joining forces for a U.S. tour early next year.
Keith Urban and Carrie Underwood will hit the road together beginning Jan. 31 in a city to be announced. The outing will play 24 dates to be announced; tickets go on sale Dec. 1. Speaking of Urban, he and Toby Keith should record an album together. They could call it "Keith Urban". Okay, there you have it, the first 100% Peverett Phile
original monologue that I spent all week writing. Ten Worst Toys List for 2007 has been issued. List seems pretty lame. They could just pick ten toys at random with a "Made in China" label.
DISNEY'S AMERICA
Three disabled people have sued Walt Disney World for not allowing them to use their Segways to move around its theme parks. The plaintiffs are each able to stand but cannot walk far, and they have been denied permission to use their two-wheel vehicles at Disney World, according to the federal court lawsuit. The suit filed Friday says they're among an estimated 4,000 to 7,000 similarly disabled people who have turned to Segways as mobility tools. A group called Disability Rights Advocates for Technology, which raises money to donate Segways to disabled U.S. military veterans and pushes for their acceptance, previously asked theme parks to lift bans on the devices. Group co-founder Jerry Karr said Segways offer more mobility and dignity than wheelchairs. Disney says it fears Segways could endanger other guests because they can go faster than 12 mph. "We've made our position very clear on these Segways in our parks," Disney spokeswoman Jacquee Polak told the Orlando Sentinel on Friday. "Our primary concern is the safety of all our guests and our cast members. We have a long history of being a leader in creating accessible experiences for our guests with disabilities." Plaintiff Mahala Ault, 33, has multiple sclerosis; Dan Wallace, lost one foot in an accident and Stacie Rhea has Lou Gehrig's disease. The suit did not give their hometowns, saying only that Ault and Wallace are from Illinois and Rhea is from Iowa.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1864
The sack and burning of Atlanta by General William Tecumseh Sherman, making Georgia howl. That act and the subsequent March to the Sea makes Sherman the most hated and despised man in Georgia history.
1940
Nazis quarantine the Warsaw Ghetto, population 400,000 Juden.
1941
SS chief Himmler orders the arrest and concentration of all homosexuals in Germany. Excluded were certain top Nazi officials who happened to be fags, including Himmler.
1978
A chartered Icelandic Airlines DC-8 with 249 pilgrims returning from Mecca, crashes on approach to Sri Lanka's international airport in Colombo, killing 183 believers.
1979
A package from the Unabomber in the mail carried aboard American flight 444 explodes on the way to Washington. Several people suffer smoke inhalation.
1985
A research assistant is injured when he opens a present from the Unabomber addressed to a University of Michigan professor.
1990
Producers acknowledge that Milli Vanilli (the 1990 "Best Artist" Grammy Award winners) did not sing on their album. One of the duo, Robert Pilatus, later attempts suicide in 1991 but he couldn't even get that performance right. He does succeed 7 years later, though.
ASK PEVERETT
Dear Peverett, I haven't gotten laid in a year and a half and I've started listening to Depeche Mode. Does this mean I'm turning gay?
Why the hell haven't you gone to Russia to meet whats-her-name? An expensive lay, yes, but sure to occur. Women will do anything for a green card.... ( men too...)
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: How do you know you’re getting old? A: Your wife gives up sex for lent and you don’t find out until Easter.
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: You fuck her.
Q: What do you call a hillbilly who owns both sheep and goats? A: Bisexual.
SHARPENING AXES
The average bank cashier loses $310 a year.
It takes 2,354 tissues to stop a bullet.
The font Woody Allen uses in the majority of his films' credit sequences is Windsor-EF Elongated.
In Arab countries, the Red Cross is called Red Crescent.
Princess Aurora was Sleeping Beauty's real name.
Earth travels through space at 66,700 miles per hour.
Punk rocker Iggy Pop's real name is James Newell Osterberg, Jr. He started using Iggy after his first band in high school, the Iguanas.
Smallpox is the onlyhuman infectious disease to have been completely eradicated from nature.
In Hinduism, there are 330 million gods.
Scientists say the higher your I.Q. is the more you dream.
You use 200 muscles to take one step.
During the production of a movie, the last shot of the day is known as the "martini shot."
Fewer than 1% of searchers use the "I'm Feeling Lucky" on Google's homepage.
"Gung ho" is Chinese for "work together."
Marcel Marceau's real name was Marcel Mangel.
The average adult stool weighs about four ounces.
Most men can't remember the names of all their sex partners.
Catoptrophobia is a fear of mirrors.
In Starship Troopers, more bullets were fired than in any other movie ever made.
Tina Turner's real name is Annie Mae Bullock.
NUTTED BY REALITY
I missed the first episode of "The Amazing Race 12" but I did see the second episode. So, starting this entry of the Phile, I will do my recap of the show. Something odd happened on Sunday's episode of "The Amazing Race 12"—besides the fact that it actually started on time. Usually, the show’s editors ratchet up the tension in the final few moments, but this time, they were absent. So, too, was God, who did not intervene to help out some of his people. Shana and Jennifer are determined to prove that blondes cannot transcend stereotypes. “Clearly I haven’t had a facial or a manicure, but it’s even tougher than you can even imagine,” Shana (I think) said, covering shallowness and vanity. Jennifer made sure we didn’t confuse her with someone who was either smart or who’d ever driven a car before. Driving, she said, “Well, my brights aren’t staying on, so I have to hold them with one hand for the entire way — unless I’m just an idiot?” Shana agreed with the last part: “She asks that question a lot.” Usually religious people argue that God has nothing better to do than influence the results of a reality show, so it was refreshing to hear minister Kate say, “We are religious people, but we have no illusions that God cares whether or not we win the "Amazing Race".” Her partner Pat asked with mock incredulity, “No?”
Waiting for airline tickets, Jason asked, “Why is it taking so long?” Perhaps because the airline was printing tickets on a dot matrix printer. Apparently, they were at the Museum of 1992 Technology Airport. Ronald wore a t-shirt that asked “Who’s Your Daddy?”, and he made sure everyone knew that the answer was Ronald. At the airport, he parented Nicolas, who was berating an airline employee (“Please move a little faster.”) Ronald told him, “You got a mouth that basically starts with bad energy. … That’s your whole problem.” But even when he’s being an ass, and he’s frequently an ass, Ronald is hysterical. “I have maybe some problems with interpretation, but the words that come through my ear is very clear, because I cleared all the wax yesterday,” he said. At the Detour, which involved hoisting furniture up the side of a building, Vyxsin said, “I felt pretty comfortable doing the knots. I used to…” Immediately I thought she would end that with, “be into S&M.” But no, my stereotyping was wrong, as she ended the sentence with an even more shocking statement: “I used to macrame.” “This sucks,” Rachel said about the Detour task, which involved hoisting furniture up the side of a building. Whoever’s furniture was getting banged and scraped to shit probably thought the same thing. Ronald has a way of talking in an extremely, excruciatingly annoyingly patient tone — just like the pet shop employee in “Best in Show” who has to deal with Meg Swan’s search for a Busy Bee. replacement. When he and his daughter decided to switch Detour tasks, he said, “Where do we head now? See, that’s the other thing. Is it in that direction, or here, or?” Some reanimated child-size dolls from It’s a Small World were standing on the mat next to Phi, and Jason told them, “aren’t you guys cute.” Ronald, who later said he has “become the Archie Bunker of the home,” also makes up his own colloquialisms. He told his increasingly frustrated daughter, “I’m trying to give you the real truth that other people won’t tell you you have boogers in your [bow/boat/bowl].”
Because the panty hose on his arms and makeup didn’t give it away, Kynt explained to us, “I’m not one of those get down and dirty kind of boys. I’m kind of prissy.”
Nicolas learned an important lesson at the Roadblock. Whenever an old person says, “Oh, I can do that,” ignore them—especially because it may sometimes lead that old person to say, “I had to strip down a little bit” and take off all his clothes except for some frighteningly large black bikini briefs. On the mat, Phil joked to Donald, “There’ve been complaints from the locals you got down to your underpants.” But Donald said, “I went further than that.” Continuing to be an ass, Ronald told his daughter Christina, “You need to lose some weight.” At that very moment, their bike tipped over, and Ronald received his punishment, a “crotch-buster,” as he called it.
God failed to interfere in Pat and Kate’s race, and so did the editors. For once, there was no fake tension at the end of the race; for a long period of time, it was a forgone conclusion that Kate and Pat would be in last place and be eliminated. There’s something both refreshing and disorienting about a tension-less conclusion to an episode of "The Amazing Race".
Okay, as far as "Kid Nation" goes, have children grown more apologetic since my days as a child? The kids of "Kid Nation" are often as cruel to each other as I recall but then they go and apologize. What's up with that? Well, they don't always apologize. Feelings get hurt; tears get shed. Maybe it's cruel, but the kids will eventually find out being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be at all times, either. I think I've seen adults apologize a lot less often than the kids on the show. Perhaps they have some sort of super-strain of kids there -- intelligent and mature beyond their years. Some of them, anyway. And some of the solid ones are starting to crack a bit.
HEROES
Peter Petrelli: "I remember...I remember everything." Adam Monroe: "Good, then...Shall we save the world?" So, if you're a hero, a lot can happen in four months. And, apparently, a lot is going to happen in the next three episodes as our favorite heroes have to save the world (and probably the cheerleader) again. From those scenes from next week's "Heroes", it looks like there may be a stand-off coming between the two father-daughter pairs on the show (Noah/Claire & Bob/Elle). I can't wait to see that. Some may disagree with me, but I thought this was a great episode. I know nothing really moved forward in the "present-day plot" so to speak, but we got a lot of much-needed answers about some of the key players on the show. And, most importantly, Peter Petrelli got his memory back. Brainless Peter was just annoying.
GEEK TALK
Could it ... be? Maybe? Potentially? Possibly? Is Warner Bros finally about to announce their official cast for the live action Justice League of America film? Should we celebrate? Throw a party? Go out for drinks? Raise a pair of underwear up a flagpole (quick, which movie)? I wouldn't go getting your hopes up just yet (I'm talking to you Mr. "I wear the same JLA shirt 30 days in a row) -- but if IESB is correct, we could be hearing who was cast in this thing at some point this week. Yes, they apparently talked to some Warner Bros. sources who claim the cast is locked -- everyone is in double secret probation mode -- and an announcement should be coming within the next couple days. A recent Variety article claimed some huge studio tent poles could suffer delays because of the current writers strike, and that Justice League of America was one of those films. Not so, says this WB source, and so it'll be interesting to see what happens throughout the week. Who should we expect in the roles of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter and Phile Man? It's anyone's guess at this point; director George Miller and his team have auditioned almost all of "Young Hollywood" and from what we hear, Miller's done a bunch of talent scouting over in Australia as well. Chances are we'll see a mix of American and Australian talent -- faces that are kinda sorta familiar, but no one really big. Then again, they could surprise us with a high-profile actor or actress, but after the whole Jessica Biel debacle, I highly doubt it. Who do you want to see in the film?
MOVIE BUZZ
Star Trek
The first spy photos of Zachary Quinto as Spock proves the actor looks good with pointy ears. But … I thought this was a big budget film. What's up with the cheap Salvation Army sweater? The future doesn't have Armani or anything?
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
A Russian movie site has uploaded a bunch of new promo stills, including one of Brendan Fraser flying through the air with a knife. But this isn't a scene from the film. To keep himself in shape, this is actually how Brendan caught his lunch everyday.
Transformers 2
Michael Bay is so tired of fans leaking info that he's gonna plant fake info all over the web to throw people off. It's not such a great plan, though. His first false rumor claims that the sequel doesn't even have any giant robots in it.
Suicide Girls: The Movie
The punk-rock strippers may be producing and starring in their first horror movie. I don't know why they need to make a fictional film. A documentary showing the girls getting pierced and/or tattooed would be plenty gross enough.
Major Movie Star
Jessica Simpson stars as a spoiled, bankrupt actress who joins the Army and goes into basic training in the awful trailer. Although the "basic" training she really needs is some good acting lessons.
Revolver
The trailer for Guy Ritchie's latest caper uses a heavy-handed chess metaphor for the games played between Ray Liotta and Jason Statham. At least that's a step up from whatever the Madonna metaphor was in Swept Away.
Stones
Director Ridley Scott's at work on a supernatural thriller about the destruction of ancient artifacts, including the formation at Stonehenge. Though, when I first heard Scott was going to film old fossils all over the world, I assumed he was working on a tour documentary about the Rolling Stones.
The Long Walk
The Mist director Frank Darabont says for his next Stephen King adaptation he'd like to make a film out of the novel about teenage boys forced on a marathon walking competition. How far do the boys have to walk? Until they're finished reading every book King has written.
City of Men
The trailer for the sequel to City of God shows two teenage boys stuck in the middle of a violent gang war on the streets of Rio. Could be worse. They could be stuck between the striking screenwriters and the studios.
Best.Worst.Movie.
It's a documentary about the cult that's grown up around the infamously bad movie Troll 2, which starred a small-town dentist in his first acting role. Every one of his patients says that getting a root canal from him is less painful than watching him perform.
Run Biopic
Music mogul Russell Simmons wants to produce a biopic about the half of rap group Run-DMC who happens to be his brother, Joseph "Run" Simmons. Am I the only person who finds it ironic that the biggest hit from a guy named Run is a song called "Walk This Way"?
Well, that's it, phans, another entry of the Phile. The next entry is planned for next Thursday which happens to be Thanksgiving. So, unless I happen to fall asleep from eating to much turkey, I will see you then. Thanks for helping me reach my goal. Spread the word, not the turd. Peace.
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