Hello, and welcome to the most updated blog on the internet, the Peverett Phile. So, last weekend I went and got my third tattoo. I know, 38 years no getting any, and three in a month. I am defintely going through my mid-life crisis. Tomorrow is the start of Epcot's International Food & Wine Festival, or as I like to call it, Porkies In the Park. Speaking of Epcot, Monday is Epcot's 25th anniversary. When I just started there, Epcot was celebrating it's fifth
anniversary. To celebrate, they are painting the big ball, Spaceship Earth, silver. Phil Spector got a mistrial. The jury was spilt 10-2. Ten were in favor of conviction, two were in favor of bringing back the afro wig. That tyrant Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally went home. He was hilarious. He topped himself by saying if anyone knows of homosexuals living in Iran, he would like their names and addresses. Here’s what we should do: write down your funniest gay name — Ben Dover, Pat MCGroin, Ryan Seacrest . . . and we’ll send it to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. We have a phone number we can include along with his address: 555 FIND GAY. On “Dancing With the Stars,” Josie Maran got the bedazzled boot. It happened so fast — one bad night of dancing and it’s all over. Like Britney Spears. Even worse news for her partner, who is being shipped back home to his home country in a container ship. Paris Hilton has not forgotten the charity work she promised. She says she is going on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda. She is getting her inoculations right now, and actually, the Rwandans are getting their inoculations too. Poor Kiefer Sutherland. He was arrested on DUI charges. He used the Lindsay Lohan defense: It was someone else’s alcohol in his blood. "Halo 3" came out Tuesday. It’s an online video game, which means while you’re playing, you get to meet other Halo fans from all over the world and kill them. The White House has announced that during his last year in office, President Bush is going to visit more countries than any other year in his presidency. Bush said he will accomplish this all in one weekend by going to Epcot for its 25th. This entry of the Phile is sponsored by Ultimate Fighting Championship: Like cheese but with hemorrhages.
DISNEY'S AMERICA
Walt Disney Studios Home Entertainment has just communicated that the direct-to-DVD title of The Little Mermaid 3, tentatively titled The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning, is now scheduled to release in early August 2008 in North America and August/September 2008 for non-English speaking territories. And Narnia fans will have to wait an extra year to see the third film in the fantasy franchise because of a delay in the start of production. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader was originally set for release May 1, 2009; it is now scheduled for May 7, 2010. Production will begin next summer, instead of January. Distributor Walt Disney Co. and producer Walden Media blamed the delay on "the challenging schedules for our young actors." Michael Apted is shooting the film. The second film in the franchise, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, is scheduled to open May 16. Caspian originally was set for release in December, but the companies postponed its release by five months after Sony decided to release The Water Horse, in which Walden is also involved, that month.
R.I.P.
Marcel Marceau: Now he'll really be trapped in a box.
Alice Ghostley: And now she as ghostly as one can get.
Harmonica Player Gary Primich: Let's remember to Hohner his memory.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
An Azalea Middle School teacher could be fired after an internal investigation revealed he used his school computer to access pornographic Web sites and communicated inappropriately with female students, a document says. According to a document written by the attorney for Pinellas County schools, Jason Williams sent an instant message to a female student explaining how she could visit him during the school day by forging his name on a hall pass. In another instant message, Williams and the student discussed meeting at a local mall, the document says. Williams said in an interview that he used his school computer to access pornographic Web sites and send instant messages to students, the document says. He also said he often spoke to a particular student online because he felt she needed the support of a 'father figure' after the suicide of a fellow student, according to the document. Williams denied that his online conversations with the students were inappropriate, the document says. Schools Superintendent Clayton Wilcox wanted Williams fired, the school district says, but Williams is requesting an administrative hearing, which he is entitled to. That means the judge presiding at the hearing has to issue a recommendation before the school board can take any action, schools spokeswoman Andrea Zahn said. The school board will be asked at its regularly scheduled meeting Tuesday whether to suspend Williams until the administrative hearing process is completed.
ASK PEVERETT
Q: Dear Peverett, If someone were to run away and never come back, how far away would they be? A: Pretty far away according to my calculations.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1854
The wooden steamship Arctic sinks in foggy weather after colliding with the iron bow of the Vesta. When Captain Luce orders women and children into the lifeboats, the crewmen rebel and take the boats for themselves. Of 435 on board, only 85 survive -- and none of them women or children. It is the first major ocean liner disaster in the Atlantic.
1934
Wilford Brimley's birthday! Soon his name will fall under R.I.P.
1959
Typhoon Vera, otherwise known as the Isewan Typhoon, kills 4,464 people on the Japanese island of Honshu and injures 40,000 more. 1.5 million are made homeless.
1964
The Warren Commission Report is finally released, definitively proving once and for all that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated by Lee Harvey Oswald, without anyone's help. Case closed.
1967
Seventeen people are killed in Tijuana, most of them children, when the neurotoxic insecticide methyl parathion is accidentally mixed into bread. Over three hundred others required medical treatment.
1996
The Taliban takes Kabul.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Two men on a hunting trip are bragging about their dogs. “My dog’s really clever,” says one guy. “Watch this: ‘Bring me a beer.’” The dog runs to the cooler and returns with a beer. “That’s nothing,” says the other guy. “Watch this: ‘Make me breakfast.’” His dog runs to the lake to get water, makes a fire, brews some coffee, and hardboils an egg. He then sets everything before his master and does a headstand. “That’s amazing!” says the other man. “But why is he standing on his head?” “Because I don’t have an egg cup.”
A Chinese man comes home late one night from a bar and goes upstairs to his bedroom, where his wife is sleeping. He wakes her up and asks, “Honey, how about a little 69?” His wife replies angrily, “You come home, middle of the night, and you want me to go downstairs and make you Mongolian beef with mushrooms?!?”
MOST NEEDLESSLY DETAILED WIKIPEDIA ENTRIES
List of Ancient Jedi: This is a comprehensive list of Jedi that, oddly enough, have never actually appeared in a Star Wars movie. Instead, the list includes any and every Jedi who was referenced, even in passing, in every Star Wars book, comic or video game. Right now, if you make up a Jedi and draw a picture of him on a napkin, you can bet your ass he’ll end up on this list by tomorrow with a full backstory and list of allergies. Word Count: 24,801. That's more words than Oedipus Rex (15,636).
NUTTED BY REALITY
It's a bit of an odd twist to the Shakespeare quote, but certainly fitting for this episode of "Kid Nation", don't you think? For some reason, I'm not too surprised that 11-year-old Jared has a slight familiarity with the classics. In the first episode, Jared was the king of the one-liners. It's a shame he didn't continue ... Okay, it's the second episode and I'm intrigued. Oh, it's not living up to all of the child labor hype as far as I'm concerned. And, I'm sure some folks will have issues with what was shown last night in the chicken slaughter segment. But it happens. The children once again were directed by the mysterious (cough) journal from 1885. I won't even touch on how silly that part of the show is, but it put the idea in their heads that they needed meat and have 18 chickens in Bonanza City. I can't help but wonder what the children would have done if they were actually left to their own devices without adult intervention. We'll never know. They put the issue to a town vote. Valid arguments were made on both sides of the issue. In the end, it seemed like most of the kids really wanted the meat because their canned food is tasteless and boring. They want the protein, too. However, most don't want to kill the chickens. They just want to eat them. I think I'm going to have to eat a bucket of KFC in honor of the kids on the show. I'll be watching again next week, will you?
HEROES
Usually, when a series returns from a long season break, it takes me a little while to get back into the spirit of the show. That didn't seem to be the case with tonight's season premiere of "Heroes". After the brief narration by Mohinder, which took place over a montage of the characters past actions and current whereabouts, I was completely acclimated back into the world of "Heroes". It was like it never left, and I consider that a testament to the quality of the show and its well fleshed out story and characters. Before we get into things, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that tonight's TV reviewcap is in no way, shape, or form brought to you by Nissan or its hideous little Rogue. Thank you. An absolute ton of stuff happened this episode and in rapid fire succession, so you'll have to pardon the rapid fire style of the recap. As the season progresses, and we actually start having some real commercial breaks and longer sequences, the format will adjust accordingly. The show began with Mohinder giving a lecture to a nearly empty auditorium speaking on the evolved humans he's encountered, and the plague that is threatening their existence. He points out that the fate of humanity hinges on these special individuals as the powers they possess, such as regeneration, could be very beneficial to mankind. Mohinder is ostensibly seeking out funding to help cure the disease. We're introduced to a bespectacled man that tells Mohinder his father's book was found at the library in the parapsychology section between hypnosis and alien abduction. He's basically telling Mohinder that no one believes in his "special people". Mohinder is no fool and realizes that the guy in glasses has been present at his last three seminars. The guy ultimately offers Mohinder a job that will allow him to find a cure for the plague. Mohinder appeared to be noncommittal but agreed to let the bespectacled fellow buy him a drink. We were immediately introduced to two new characters by the name of Maya & Alejandro, and they found themselves running from the popos. These two characters, one or both of which will exhibit some powers in the near future, are trying to make their way to America. They are both wanted for murder as indicated by a wanted poster. Claire, Noah, and family have apparently joined the "Hero Protection Program" and have now taken up residence in sunny California. Claire is about to attend her first day of school and father Bennett is encouraging her to keep an extremely low profile. Of course, he immediately gives her a new vehicle. Anyone want to guess the make and model of this vehicle? As Claire makes her way into the building, she's nearly run over by her potential lover who we later learn is named West. I immediately yelled to my TV, "Get away while you can West! All her friends eventually die!" It didn't do any good. We cut to Hiro in a field in the midst of an all out Shogun battle set in 1671 Japan. Hiro looks up and watches the moon pass before the sun as a swarm of arrows head towards his face. The day is turned to night (by the eclipse – not by the arrows 300 fans), and he freezes time just before three arrows are about to pierce his skull. He looked up to Takezo Kensei (the guy whose sword he kept looking for last season), realizes a few arrows are about to pierce his skin too, and teleports both of them to safety. The episode is whizzing along at this point making it pretty difficult for me to keep up. We now come to Parkman, the least menacing looking NYPD officer ever to have the job. It looks like he's in the middle of some crazy drug bust because he barges into an apartment and is capping people like its crack dealer season and he's the only one with a hunting permit. As it turns out, this was just an NYPD drill. It was fun watching Parkman utilizes his gift for reading people's minds when he had to choose between shooting a perp and the perp's hostage. At this point we discover that Parkman has made detective, effectively making him the least menacing looking detective ever to have the job. Sorry Parkman, but I'll always see you as the clumsy oaf on Felicity that tried to create a new condiment. It's nothing personal. Claire is doing the exact opposite of what her dad requested, and is baking her hand over an active Bunsen burner flame. In a not so unexpected twist, West ends up being her lab partner. What a convenient coincidence! West asks Claire if she's a robot or an alien. Robots do what they're told. Aliens do their own thing. Claire fails to answer the question. We find ourselves with the wonder twins once again, only they're not trying to activate any powers. Instead, they're trying to negotiate a covert trip into The United States. The shady human smuggler they're dealing with tells them that it will cost 10,000 Lempiras to get them 600 miles from the US border. A quick Google search showed that Lempiras are the currency in Honduras. Of course, these people smugglers were not to be trusted and later in the episode, tried to raise the price up to 20,000 Lempiras. Alejandro ended up getting the poop kicked out of him, and the smugglers took off with his sister Maya. When Alejandro eventually caught up with he vehicle, he found everyone in the truck dead with blood streaming from their eyes, nose, ears, and mouth. Maya is the only one left alive and obviously used some power to kill everyone. I can't quite tell what her power is, but I'm guessing she has the ability to give everyone in a 20 feet radius the Ebola Virus. We didn't get to learn a great deal about Molly last season aside from the fact that her parents were killed, and that she's got a built in Hero locator for a brain. I thought she was a good new character, particularly one that could relate to Micah, and I'm glad she's going to have a bigger role this season. Apparently, Parkman is divorced and had adopted and/or is looking after Molly. Molly's teacher informs Parkman that Molly is drawing disturbing pictures in class that usually have a big pair of ominous eyes on them and what looks to be a kid (presumably Molly) confined in a box. Creepy. A bit later in the episode we get to see Molly in the middle of a recurring nightmare where we distinctly hear a voice say, "I can see you.' Was this the voice of Sylar? Was this the voice of the Bogeyman? Only time will tell. Umm, I'm going to go ahead and guess that Nathan Petrelli never took office. We got to see him around halfway into the episode and he looked a little bit like a drunk Grizzly Adams. Nathan is obviously taking the apparent death of his brother extremely hard, and Angela Petrelli, who was also in his apartment, tells him that he needs to accept the fact that Peter is dead and move on. After Nathan rudely kicks his mom out ofthe apartment, she finds a picture of herself in the hallway with a red squiggly mark across her face. This is the same mark that Kaito Nakamura (Hiro's dad) ended up finding on a photo of him that fell out of a newspaper Ando gave him, as the two of them were discussing Hiro's whereabouts. Of note, Kaito mentioned that he always thought Hiro was a bit of a loser until he started his question. I'm paraphrasing. This mark signifies that they will be dead within 24 hours. Later still, we found ourselves back with Mohinder who was eating lunch with the dorky glasses guy. He's attempting to sell Mohinder on his company that tries to get the special people to use their powers for the good of mankind – which sometimes means they get killed. It was right around this point that I realized this is the same organization that HRG (Noah Bennett) used to work for. Also, the dorky glasses guy can turn metal into gold and displayed this talent to Mohinder. After an extremely awkward dinner in the Bennett household, Noah fields a call from Monhinder that lets us know that Mohinder and Noah have been baiting the corporation with using Mohinder's speaking engagements and it's all being done in an effort to bring the evil corporation to its knees. Somehow, I think the corporation knows that they're being baited and are willingly going along with, though I'm not quite sure of their purpose yet. A few more points of interest before my hands fall off from typing all of this. My favorite sequence of the night involved Claire attempting to stick up for one of the clumsier kids named Martha during gym class. The snooty head cheerleader (what's the deal with Claire and head cheerleaders not getting along?) was poking fun at Martha, and ended up challenging Claire to do a back tuck off a tower. Claire climbed up the tower but at the last second heeded her dads "don't make a spectacle of yourself" advice. A bit later Claire ended up practicing a back tuck off the tower and cracks her ankle. She quickly healed moments before West barged into the gym to check up on her. Oh yeah. West is also a stalker and has special powers as witnessed when he was hovering creepily next to Claire's window that night. Creepier. My second favorite set of events was when Hiro realized that his hero, Kensei, was not the legendary Japanese character from the stories his dad used to read him – but was really a cowardly British guy who would do practically anything for money. How funny was it watching Kenseipunch Hiro in the face? Finally, we're at the part of the show I liked the least. Kaito was on top of the building where everything seems to happen (you know which building I'm talking about) and Ando was about to deliver the sword he promised to get him earlier in the episode. A hooded figure came out of the darkness and Kaito says something to the effect of, "Out of everyone, I never expected it would be you." The figure rushed Kaito and much to my and Ando's dismay, pushed him off the edge of the building. Ando looked over the buildings edge and saw Kaito's bloody carcass splattered on the ground. Barring some miracle, that's all we're going to see of Hiro's dad - at least until Origins anyway. Who was the hooded figure? Judging from Kaito and Angela's conversation, it's someone from the inner circle of old school heroes. Guess we'll find out for sure in the coming weeks. At the end of the show we got to meet Blackie, an Irish guy with the least believable Irish accent imaginable. "The Black Donnelly" actors are out of work. Were none of them were available? Anyhow, Blackie and his crew opened up a shipping container on a pier and found Peter Petrelli chained up in a corner. The strange part? Peter can shoot lightning out of his hand and has a case of amnesia that would put Guy Pierce's character in Memento to shame. It was an excellent, content filled episode that got me right back into the swing of things, and hurt my head in the process. I cannot wait to see what happens next Tuesday. No signs of Nikki, Jessica, D.L., and Micah this episode, but we're sure to see them in the coming weeks. It's starting to get a little crowded in the Heroes universe. I hope the producers don't find the need to do some indiscriminate character purging... Did I forget anything? Have anything to add? Sound off in the comments.
MOVIE BUZZ
Justice League of America
Jessica Biel is negotiating to play Wonder Woman. I'd rather her play The Flash, if you know what I mean.
The Simpsons 2
OK, it's not exactly a sequel, but the show's season premiere opening followed up on events from the summer movie. It mostly featured Bart Simpson skateboarding through a devastated Springfield. Thank God they gave the poor kid his clothes back.
Transformers 2
Paramount has set a release date for the sequel, and it's quite a ways off: June 26, 2009. At least now they have enough time to come up with an ending that actually makes sense.
Hotel Chevalier
Natalie Portman is nude in a new short film by Wes Anderson, and you can get it for free starting today at iTunes. Like thousands of other guys, I plan on downloading it. Wonder how many other guys are going to call in sick to work tomorrow due to headaches and eyestrain.
The Dark Knight
Michael Caine dropped a semi-spoiler in an interview discussing an intense scene in which Heath Ledger as the Joker "had to come up in a lift and raid our place," which presumably means Wayne Manor. Darn it, now they're going to have to can Caine just like that extra who leaked Indy 4 secrets.
Paul
Simon Pegg and Nick Frost of Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead are teaming for another comedy about two British geeks on a road trip across America. The driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-road gags are already writing themselves …
Ta-da! There you go, phans, another entry of the Phile. I'm not planning on getting a tattoo this weekend, but you never know. I hope to be posting pics of my tats on the Phile's Myspace page soon. In the meantime, I still hope to hit 3000 views by Christmas, so...spread the word, not the turd. And thanks for reading.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Pev Nation
Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog, coming at you from rain drenched Groveland, Florida. Yesterday O.J. Simpson was charged. Seven felonies. Seven felonies! He said if he knew how much trouble he was going to get into, he would have just murdered the guy. A lot of O.J. to cover. In case you didn’t hear, O.J. is back on the loose. He was released on $125,000 bail. He could get life in prison for all this. Kill two people, you get nothing. But steal your own football jersey — you go away for life. The Phil Spector trial is also a mess. The jury is split 7-5. Seven like the blonde wig, five like his afro. Not such a great week for that student who was Tasered at the John Kerry speech in Florida. If you’ve ever heard John Kerry speak, being Tasered is a bit less painful. “I can still hear him! Taser me again, bro!” Britney Spears has some troubles of her own. She’s been dropped by her manager and dropped by her lawyer. She’s been dropped now almost as much as her children. All she has left now are her dogs and a swimming pool filled with YooHoo. And, man, would I love to see her in that! Here’s a real story today. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control says that people in the restroom wash their hands less than they used to. And I’m thinking, “How did they get this information?” What did they do? Discreetly watch as people wash their hands? “Please carry on. I’m with Disease Control.” Discreetly watched in the bathroom? You gotta be careful — there have been senators arrested for less than that. Former Mexican President Vincente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says President Bush is the cockiest guy he’s ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept insisting on meeting the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Fox also said Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, he speaks grade school English as well, so . . . The Emmy Awards were Sunday night. The buzz was all about who was gorgeous and the designer gowns . . . but enough about Ryan Seacrest. Al Gore won an Emmy! That means his wife gets to go home with two heavy statues. Monday was National Citizenship Day. It’s is especially exciting for me because I’m still not a citizen. So I don’t get to go to the big Citizenship parties in Orlando. Couldn’t they just give me someone else’s citizenship? What about O.J. Simpson’s citizenship? You know what? I don’t want his . . . he’s already used his “Get Out of Jail Free” card. The organizers of the 2012 London Olympics announced this week that they’re installing extra wide seats in their stadiums to accommodate really big British asses. It’s true! Apparently they’ve got really big asses in Britain: Simon Cowell. Lamborghini announced they’ve sold out of their new car, the Revington. This is a car that costs $1.4 million. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just tell everyone you’ve got a really small wiener? The world air guitar championships were held in Finland. The winner celebrated by going back to his hotel and having sex with imaginary groupies. I’d like to say that I’ve never done that myself. I’d like to say that . . . By the way this entry of the Phile is brought to you by Fisher-Price: We keep 'em busy so you can sneak in a quickie!
WHAT I LEARNED IN NASHVILLE
Country music is an art form built on heartbreak, faith, inebriation, and often the love of one's dog or pick-up truck. But even though they often write sad songs, country music songwriters have a great sense of humor. What follow are some of my favorite country music song titles, ya'll.
All I Want From You Is Away
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
Bubba Shot the Jukebox
Are You Drinkin' With Me, Jesus?
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I'm Under the Table Over You
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, So I Guess it Wasn't You
I've Been Roped and Throwed By Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me
She's Acting Single, I'm Drinking Doubles
Is It Cold In Here, or Is It Just You?
We Used to Kiss on the Lips, But It's All Over Now
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus
Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
In 1981, after gaining a respectable following with the debut album 'Boy,' Irish band U2 was set to enter the studio to work on its follow up. But the band hit a snag when a briefcase containing all of the lyrics that Bono had penned for what became the 'October' album were stolen at a concert in Portland, Ore. Bono was forced to rewrite all of the words from memory, but the briefcase was returned 23 years later by a woman who found it in the attic of a rental home in Tacoma, Wash.
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Q: Dear Peverett, why is murdering idiots not legal?
A: Because we need a President, a Senate, and a House Of Representatives. It's inthe Constitution.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1970
A jury in Miami, Florida finds vocalist Jim Morrison guilty of profanity and indecent exposure for whipping out his cock at a Doors concert in Coconut Grove the previous year.
1973
A Beechcraft D-18 charter plane crashes into a tree near Natchitoches, Louisiana, killing singer/songwriter Jim Croce, his lead guitarist, and the entire flight crew.
1979
With the aid of 700 French paratroopers, David Dacko mounts a successful coup against the regime of Jean-Bedel Bokassa in the Central African Republic. For years, Bokassa was dogged by rumors of cannibalism, and his stewardship was known for its incredible barbarity.
1984
An Islamic Jihad suicide bomber drives a truck loaded with half a ton of high explosive up to the US Embassy in Beirut, Lebanon. The blast kills 20 and injures dozens more. The embassy had only reopened just six weeks before after the last bombing, which killed 61.
1986
Officials in Latvia test the structural integrity of a 40-year-old bridge by driving 14 heavy vehicles containing gravel on top of it. A 250-foot span of the bridge collapses, killing ten people.
1989
A jury finds Richard Ramirez ("The Night Stalker") guilty of 43 counts, including 13 murders and assorted incidents of burglary, rape, and sodomy. Ramirez terrorized Southern California during a string of murders, sexual attacks and burglaries. He would scrawl a pentacle in his victim's blood on the wall of each crime scene.
1992
Nine months prior to the infamous Bobbitt incident, a Los Angeleno named Aurelia Macias castrates her husband with a pair of scissors. Macias is found innocent by reason of insanity, and the case never generates much publicity. [It turns out that such deeds are not uncommon in certain third world countries, notably Thailand and the Philippines.]
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn’t matter—he won’t come.
NUTTED BY REALITY
After all of the controversy, CBS aired its premiere episode of "Kid Nation" last night. Much ado about nothing, I say! Not that the show is nothing. I found it interesting and refreshing from so many of the other shows on the air these days. Well, at least the shows in the reality genre. After all the brouhahas about child labor, child abuse, crying children ... well, to me, this didn't quite live up to all the controversy surrounding it. Instead I found it to be the kind of show both children and adults can watch together. Although it's touted as "40 children, 40 days, no adults" -- the kids themselves say there were more adults than children on site. Perhaps that doesn't speak much for the "reality" aspect, but the safety issues seem well-covered. Jonathan Karsh, the adult host of the show, is probably the only adult we'll see during the series. However, they seem to have a full staff of medics, psychologists, production folks, and more working in the background. So, it's not like the kids were tossed in the desert to die or anything. Jonathan came across a bit Jeff Probst-ish to me. Right now I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. After most of the kids arrived in the middle of Nowhere, New Mexico, in a school bus, Jonathan introduced four children as council leaders. Those leaders got to arrive there in a nifty helicopter. Now, I'd want to go by helicopter and be special, too! The chosen leaders didn't represent either end of the age scale of the kids on the show. That range is from 8 to 15 years old. Instead, they were a bit of a happy medium -- two boys and two girls ages 10 to 12. Age ain't nuthin' but a number anyway, right? I don't think a few of the older kids were too thrilled about the choices. Jonathan took the council leaders aside and told them about a special book in the town which would help them lead more effectively. He also told them that at the end of each tribal council ... er, town meeting ... they would be responsible for choosing which child receives a gold star worth $20,000. The award should go to the child who worked the hardest. The hard work began as the children had to haul their wagons and supplies a few miles to Bonanza City, the town where they're to build a new and better society. Right off the bat one of the older kids, Greg (15) accused Mike (11), one of the council members, of not working and just supervising. Another child fell with a muscle cramp, and all struggled their way along. The muscle cramp kid was helped by the others and rode the rest of the way to town. All in all, great work, but they had little choice -- they had to get to their town. Once in town, things predictably turned into chaos. The leadership didn't really take control, none of the children realized that roughing it meant uncomfortable lodgings or that pasta needs to be added to boiling water, not cold water. One girl, Sophia, threw out the pasta which the others had loaded in a pot of room temperature water. She started taking over kitchen tasks and the kids got fed. Not happily fed, but fed nonetheless. I thought that one of the council leaders, Laurel (12), seemed beyond her years in her leadership and compassion for others. In the image above, she's consoling young Jimmy as homesickness hits him hard. After all, he's one of the youngest children there, so it's not all that surprising. I think I cried like that my first time at summer camp. Jimmy was far from the only homesick camper on this trip. One of the council leaders, Taylor (10) had a rough few days and was also considering going home. You see, the kids don't get voted off of this show. But, if they want to leave, all they need do is say so at the town meetings which are held every three days. Another council leader had his own issues outside of being homesick. "I'm trying to be a leader here," cried Mike (11). Heck, Mike, most bosses have had the same problem -- no respect, problems handling being the authority. Work on it, kid! The second day was an improvement over the chaos. The council kids found the book which actually contained "ideas" on how to run the town. No adult involvement, eh? The book directed them to create four districts -- blue, yellow, red, and green. Each council leader chose their own district members trying to match up friends and keep enemies apart. (Yes, already there had been a few clashes.) As a result, the teams were lopsided age-wise. Most of the older kids were on the blue team, the youngest on the yellow. I'm not sure what a good idea it was to keep two of the older boys together -- Blaine and Greg. While Greg showed compassion at times, put them together and they get a bit wild. Sure enough, they ran around town creating "blue" graffiti in honor of their team. The younger kids made sarcastic remarks about their maturity. Then, in this world with no adult involvement, Jonathan introduced a job board. The town would have stores, but the kids need to earn their money. Like the teams, the labor division was in four groups. Laborers earn ten cents a day, cooks earn a quarter, merchants earn fifty cents, and the upper class (who doesn't have to work) get paid a dollar a day. How would the jobs be decided? A fistfight? Nope! It was a challenge or, in keeping with the pioneer theme of the show, it was a showdown. Back to back they faced each other. Er, no. Each team had to haul a wooden pump apparatus around to pipes. When they found one with their color, they had to fill up bottles. First team done with the bottles and hauling their pump across the finish line becomes upper class and so on down the line. Jonathan promised a special prize for the whole town if they finished the showdown in under an hour. Mike got to prove his mettle as a leader of the red team as he almost singlehandedly brought them to the finish line in first place. The older group, the blue team, came in second. The youngest group, yellow, arrived third and the final place -- the laborers -- went to the green team led by Laurel. Since the teams finished within the hour, they had their choice of prizes. They could have seven outhouses or a television. Now, there are forty kids and only one nasty outhouse, so you know that common sense would dictate the outhouses. But some kids were all excited about the television. But others thought if they had television, kids would goof off and not do their work. It's a kerfuffle! Maybe not. It only took the council members a few minutes to go for the outhouses and the other kids seemed happy with the choice. When it came time for the town council, Sophia, who didn't know it but was the favorite for receiving the gold star, almost blew her chances as she accused the council members of not doing their jobs. After all, Sophia is the kitchen queen and she didn't think Taylor's team cleaned up well. Gosh darn it, that's a big part of the job! But before the town meeting announced the gold star, Jonathan asked if anyone wanted to go home. Taylor decided she would stay and things had improved. But it was all too much for young Jimmy. Although all of the other kids were supportive, he asked to go home. He didn't cry although he looked like he wanted to ... he went home without anyone disrespecting his opinion. I thought it was handled very well. When the gold star trophy was announced, Sophia looked like she could have crawled under her chair. But the town council stayed with their decision that she was the hardest worker. She apologized to them for being bossy and said she would be more understanding. She was in disbelief when Jonathan told her it was worth $20,000. I couldn't help but be thrilled for her as I watched her excitement. The gold star given away each week might provide incentive for Greg to clean up his act. I know he can be good with the others, but he has to fight the feeling that he can bully others or doesn't need to listen to the council members just because they're younger. There's no way I'll be able to memorize all of these kids, no way. But the council members and a few others were spotlighted through the show. I'm very impressed by 14-year-old Michael. He was their second choice for the star this week. Laurel and Taylor seem to adapt well, each in their own ways. The kid Jared is a walking one-liner comedy show. I enjoyed this show and will be watching and writing about it next week. How about you?
GEEK TALK
Though we've known for some time now that Happy Feet director George Miller was circling the live-action Justice League of America movie, Variety is just now reporting that Miller will indeed helm the film. With the threat of a strike looming in the distance like a nasty storm cloud or a drunk ex-girlfriend who has no business being in the same place you are, Warner Bros. is feverishly forging ahead in order to have a big superhero movie for 2009. This summer, Christopher Nolan will debut The Dark Knight, his follow-up to Batman Begins, and since Bryan Singer is busy filming Nazis with Tom Cruise, his follow-up to Superman Returns won't be ready until at least 2010 (if it ever does get off the ground). So, with all that in mind, it's do or die time for Justice League. But will the rushed script, casting and production schedule ultimately hurt the finished product. Um, I'll let you answer that one. So now that Miller is onboard, our attention immediately turns toward casting. Variety says that Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash and Aquaman will most likely be the primarily characters in the film. For those wondering, both Christian Bale and Brandon Routh will most likely not be involved (and Nolan has already requested that the studio hold off on JLA until his Batman films are done, but apparently that ain't gonna happen). Casting rumors pop up every single day; I believe the latest one has Ryan Gosling playing Batman and Tom Welling playing Superman. However, nothing is official. I've already made it clear how I feel about this film -- that, as cool as it sounds to have a live-action flick featuring all my favorite superheroes, now is just not the time. Especially seeing as it's going to be rushed into production, why not just go the CGI route, or the motion-capture route? Why force this? Nurture this project, protect it; it could be the geeked-up movie event of the decade. I dig Miller, but I'm super scared. What about you?
MOVIE BUZZ
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
An extra, cast as a Russian soldier, gave out plot secrets to his hometown newspaper — revealing that Cate Blanchett plays a villain and that he was hired specifically for his … dancing skills. Too bad he doesn't get a make-out scene with Cate, because apparently he's got some really loose lips.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Speaking of dancing soldiers, a video shows a Chinese stunt team in army uniforms performing a little fancy footwork to impress director Rob Cohen. If this disturbing trend continues in action movies, someone's going to eventually remake Die Hard as a musical.
Juno
After playing a virgin trying to get lucky in Superbad, Michael Cera knocks up Ellen Page in the trailer for this comedy about teen pregnancy. Yeah, he was probably better off keeping it in his pants.
Million Dollar Strong
How to become a movie star in two easy steps: Produce your own profanity-laced rap-parody video about having sex on YouTube, then just wait for MTV Films to offer you a couple million bucks to make the feature version. Hey, it worked for these guys
Step Brothers
Want to star alongside Will Ferrell? The funnyman is auctioning off a cameo to raise money for a cancer charity. Unless, of course, the scene is the inevitable Ferrell nude scene — the charity would have to pay someone to appear in that. A lot.
Friday the 13th
Screenwriting duo Damian Shannon and Mark Swift have been hired to pen the remake featuring hockey-masked serial killer Jason Voorhees. I think they should totally rework the franchise and make Jason join an actual hockey team. If he were playing, I'd totally start going to NHL games.
The Love Guru
Jessica Alba confided that she gets to beat up pint-size actor Vern Troyer in Mike Myers' next comedy. To prepare for the role, she'll start hanging around schoolyards and taking down tykes.
Weirdsville
Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley star as a pair of stoners who run afoul of Satanists in the trailer. This is actually a new film based on an old script that never got produced: Cheech and Chong Go to Hell.
The Punisher: War Zone
Over on his message board, Paddy Considine says he's happy producers rescinded their offer for him to star as the villain Jigsaw since the first film "looks shitty" and director Lexi Alexander's previous film was "a gigantic mess." For those curious, Paddy's URL is www.ImACrank.com.
Funny Games
In the trailer, Naomi Watts and Tim Roth get brutally assaulted by two rich snots who listen to classical music. Yeah, these guys are psychotic killers, but at least they have good taste.
Run, Fatboy, Run
Simon Pegg's a guy who runs a marathon to win his girlfriend back. The trailer looks funny, but you know it's a low-budget movie when they don't pop for some extra cheeseburgers so the star can actually get fat. Hope they at least bought him some good sneakers.
There you have it, phans, another entry of the Phile. The next update will be next Thursday. Now, the Phile has had over 2500 views all ready. I still want to hit 3000 by Christmas. spread the word, not the turd.
WHAT I LEARNED IN NASHVILLE
Country music is an art form built on heartbreak, faith, inebriation, and often the love of one's dog or pick-up truck. But even though they often write sad songs, country music songwriters have a great sense of humor. What follow are some of my favorite country music song titles, ya'll.
All I Want From You Is Away
You Can't Have Your Kate and Edith Too
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like Having You Here
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
If You Can't Be Good, Be Bad With Me
Bubba Shot the Jukebox
Are You Drinkin' With Me, Jesus?
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
I'm Under the Table Over You
Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goal Posts of Life
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart?
I'm Gonna Put a Bar in the Back of My Car and Drive Myself to Drink
Welcome to Dumpsville, Population Me
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be a Quart Low
Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
If You Can't Be Good, Son, Be Good At It
My Phone Ain't Been Ringing, So I Guess it Wasn't You
I've Been Roped and Throwed By Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
I Bought the Shoes That Just Walked Out on Me
She's Acting Single, I'm Drinking Doubles
Is It Cold In Here, or Is It Just You?
We Used to Kiss on the Lips, But It's All Over Now
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus
Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
In 1981, after gaining a respectable following with the debut album 'Boy,' Irish band U2 was set to enter the studio to work on its follow up. But the band hit a snag when a briefcase containing all of the lyrics that Bono had penned for what became the 'October' album were stolen at a concert in Portland, Ore. Bono was forced to rewrite all of the words from memory, but the briefcase was returned 23 years later by a woman who found it in the attic of a rental home in Tacoma, Wash.
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Q: Dear Peverett, why is murdering idiots not legal?
A: Because we need a President, a Senate, and a House Of Representatives. It's inthe Constitution.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1970
A jury in Miami, Florida finds vocalist Jim Morrison guilty of profanity and indecent exposure for whipping out his cock at a Doors concert in Coconut Grove the previous year.
1973
A Beechcraft D-18 charter plane crashes into a tree near Natchitoches, Louisiana, killing singer/songwriter Jim Croce, his lead guitarist, and the entire flight crew.
1979
With the aid of 700 French paratroopers, David Dacko mounts a successful coup against the regime of Jean-Bedel Bokassa in the Central African Republic. For years, Bokassa was dogged by rumors of cannibalism, and his stewardship was known for its incredible barbarity.
1984
An Islamic Jihad suicide bomber drives a truck loaded with half a ton of high explosive up to the US Embassy in Beirut, Lebanon. The blast kills 20 and injures dozens more. The embassy had only reopened just six weeks before after the last bombing, which killed 61.
1986
Officials in Latvia test the structural integrity of a 40-year-old bridge by driving 14 heavy vehicles containing gravel on top of it. A 250-foot span of the bridge collapses, killing ten people.
1989
A jury finds Richard Ramirez ("The Night Stalker") guilty of 43 counts, including 13 murders and assorted incidents of burglary, rape, and sodomy. Ramirez terrorized Southern California during a string of murders, sexual attacks and burglaries. He would scrawl a pentacle in his victim's blood on the wall of each crime scene.
1992
Nine months prior to the infamous Bobbitt incident, a Los Angeleno named Aurelia Macias castrates her husband with a pair of scissors. Macias is found innocent by reason of insanity, and the case never generates much publicity. [It turns out that such deeds are not uncommon in certain third world countries, notably Thailand and the Philippines.]
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: Doesn’t matter—he won’t come.
NUTTED BY REALITY
After all of the controversy, CBS aired its premiere episode of "Kid Nation" last night. Much ado about nothing, I say! Not that the show is nothing. I found it interesting and refreshing from so many of the other shows on the air these days. Well, at least the shows in the reality genre. After all the brouhahas about child labor, child abuse, crying children ... well, to me, this didn't quite live up to all the controversy surrounding it. Instead I found it to be the kind of show both children and adults can watch together. Although it's touted as "40 children, 40 days, no adults" -- the kids themselves say there were more adults than children on site. Perhaps that doesn't speak much for the "reality" aspect, but the safety issues seem well-covered. Jonathan Karsh, the adult host of the show, is probably the only adult we'll see during the series. However, they seem to have a full staff of medics, psychologists, production folks, and more working in the background. So, it's not like the kids were tossed in the desert to die or anything. Jonathan came across a bit Jeff Probst-ish to me. Right now I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. After most of the kids arrived in the middle of Nowhere, New Mexico, in a school bus, Jonathan introduced four children as council leaders. Those leaders got to arrive there in a nifty helicopter. Now, I'd want to go by helicopter and be special, too! The chosen leaders didn't represent either end of the age scale of the kids on the show. That range is from 8 to 15 years old. Instead, they were a bit of a happy medium -- two boys and two girls ages 10 to 12. Age ain't nuthin' but a number anyway, right? I don't think a few of the older kids were too thrilled about the choices. Jonathan took the council leaders aside and told them about a special book in the town which would help them lead more effectively. He also told them that at the end of each tribal council ... er, town meeting ... they would be responsible for choosing which child receives a gold star worth $20,000. The award should go to the child who worked the hardest. The hard work began as the children had to haul their wagons and supplies a few miles to Bonanza City, the town where they're to build a new and better society. Right off the bat one of the older kids, Greg (15) accused Mike (11), one of the council members, of not working and just supervising. Another child fell with a muscle cramp, and all struggled their way along. The muscle cramp kid was helped by the others and rode the rest of the way to town. All in all, great work, but they had little choice -- they had to get to their town. Once in town, things predictably turned into chaos. The leadership didn't really take control, none of the children realized that roughing it meant uncomfortable lodgings or that pasta needs to be added to boiling water, not cold water. One girl, Sophia, threw out the pasta which the others had loaded in a pot of room temperature water. She started taking over kitchen tasks and the kids got fed. Not happily fed, but fed nonetheless. I thought that one of the council leaders, Laurel (12), seemed beyond her years in her leadership and compassion for others. In the image above, she's consoling young Jimmy as homesickness hits him hard. After all, he's one of the youngest children there, so it's not all that surprising. I think I cried like that my first time at summer camp. Jimmy was far from the only homesick camper on this trip. One of the council leaders, Taylor (10) had a rough few days and was also considering going home. You see, the kids don't get voted off of this show. But, if they want to leave, all they need do is say so at the town meetings which are held every three days. Another council leader had his own issues outside of being homesick. "I'm trying to be a leader here," cried Mike (11). Heck, Mike, most bosses have had the same problem -- no respect, problems handling being the authority. Work on it, kid! The second day was an improvement over the chaos. The council kids found the book which actually contained "ideas" on how to run the town. No adult involvement, eh? The book directed them to create four districts -- blue, yellow, red, and green. Each council leader chose their own district members trying to match up friends and keep enemies apart. (Yes, already there had been a few clashes.) As a result, the teams were lopsided age-wise. Most of the older kids were on the blue team, the youngest on the yellow. I'm not sure what a good idea it was to keep two of the older boys together -- Blaine and Greg. While Greg showed compassion at times, put them together and they get a bit wild. Sure enough, they ran around town creating "blue" graffiti in honor of their team. The younger kids made sarcastic remarks about their maturity. Then, in this world with no adult involvement, Jonathan introduced a job board. The town would have stores, but the kids need to earn their money. Like the teams, the labor division was in four groups. Laborers earn ten cents a day, cooks earn a quarter, merchants earn fifty cents, and the upper class (who doesn't have to work) get paid a dollar a day. How would the jobs be decided? A fistfight? Nope! It was a challenge or, in keeping with the pioneer theme of the show, it was a showdown. Back to back they faced each other. Er, no. Each team had to haul a wooden pump apparatus around to pipes. When they found one with their color, they had to fill up bottles. First team done with the bottles and hauling their pump across the finish line becomes upper class and so on down the line. Jonathan promised a special prize for the whole town if they finished the showdown in under an hour. Mike got to prove his mettle as a leader of the red team as he almost singlehandedly brought them to the finish line in first place. The older group, the blue team, came in second. The youngest group, yellow, arrived third and the final place -- the laborers -- went to the green team led by Laurel. Since the teams finished within the hour, they had their choice of prizes. They could have seven outhouses or a television. Now, there are forty kids and only one nasty outhouse, so you know that common sense would dictate the outhouses. But some kids were all excited about the television. But others thought if they had television, kids would goof off and not do their work. It's a kerfuffle! Maybe not. It only took the council members a few minutes to go for the outhouses and the other kids seemed happy with the choice. When it came time for the town council, Sophia, who didn't know it but was the favorite for receiving the gold star, almost blew her chances as she accused the council members of not doing their jobs. After all, Sophia is the kitchen queen and she didn't think Taylor's team cleaned up well. Gosh darn it, that's a big part of the job! But before the town meeting announced the gold star, Jonathan asked if anyone wanted to go home. Taylor decided she would stay and things had improved. But it was all too much for young Jimmy. Although all of the other kids were supportive, he asked to go home. He didn't cry although he looked like he wanted to ... he went home without anyone disrespecting his opinion. I thought it was handled very well. When the gold star trophy was announced, Sophia looked like she could have crawled under her chair. But the town council stayed with their decision that she was the hardest worker. She apologized to them for being bossy and said she would be more understanding. She was in disbelief when Jonathan told her it was worth $20,000. I couldn't help but be thrilled for her as I watched her excitement. The gold star given away each week might provide incentive for Greg to clean up his act. I know he can be good with the others, but he has to fight the feeling that he can bully others or doesn't need to listen to the council members just because they're younger. There's no way I'll be able to memorize all of these kids, no way. But the council members and a few others were spotlighted through the show. I'm very impressed by 14-year-old Michael. He was their second choice for the star this week. Laurel and Taylor seem to adapt well, each in their own ways. The kid Jared is a walking one-liner comedy show. I enjoyed this show and will be watching and writing about it next week. How about you?
GEEK TALK
Though we've known for some time now that Happy Feet director George Miller was circling the live-action Justice League of America movie, Variety is just now reporting that Miller will indeed helm the film. With the threat of a strike looming in the distance like a nasty storm cloud or a drunk ex-girlfriend who has no business being in the same place you are, Warner Bros. is feverishly forging ahead in order to have a big superhero movie for 2009. This summer, Christopher Nolan will debut The Dark Knight, his follow-up to Batman Begins, and since Bryan Singer is busy filming Nazis with Tom Cruise, his follow-up to Superman Returns won't be ready until at least 2010 (if it ever does get off the ground). So, with all that in mind, it's do or die time for Justice League. But will the rushed script, casting and production schedule ultimately hurt the finished product. Um, I'll let you answer that one. So now that Miller is onboard, our attention immediately turns toward casting. Variety says that Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash and Aquaman will most likely be the primarily characters in the film. For those wondering, both Christian Bale and Brandon Routh will most likely not be involved (and Nolan has already requested that the studio hold off on JLA until his Batman films are done, but apparently that ain't gonna happen). Casting rumors pop up every single day; I believe the latest one has Ryan Gosling playing Batman and Tom Welling playing Superman. However, nothing is official. I've already made it clear how I feel about this film -- that, as cool as it sounds to have a live-action flick featuring all my favorite superheroes, now is just not the time. Especially seeing as it's going to be rushed into production, why not just go the CGI route, or the motion-capture route? Why force this? Nurture this project, protect it; it could be the geeked-up movie event of the decade. I dig Miller, but I'm super scared. What about you?
MOVIE BUZZ
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
An extra, cast as a Russian soldier, gave out plot secrets to his hometown newspaper — revealing that Cate Blanchett plays a villain and that he was hired specifically for his … dancing skills. Too bad he doesn't get a make-out scene with Cate, because apparently he's got some really loose lips.
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
Speaking of dancing soldiers, a video shows a Chinese stunt team in army uniforms performing a little fancy footwork to impress director Rob Cohen. If this disturbing trend continues in action movies, someone's going to eventually remake Die Hard as a musical.
Juno
After playing a virgin trying to get lucky in Superbad, Michael Cera knocks up Ellen Page in the trailer for this comedy about teen pregnancy. Yeah, he was probably better off keeping it in his pants.
Million Dollar Strong
How to become a movie star in two easy steps: Produce your own profanity-laced rap-parody video about having sex on YouTube, then just wait for MTV Films to offer you a couple million bucks to make the feature version. Hey, it worked for these guys
Step Brothers
Want to star alongside Will Ferrell? The funnyman is auctioning off a cameo to raise money for a cancer charity. Unless, of course, the scene is the inevitable Ferrell nude scene — the charity would have to pay someone to appear in that. A lot.
Friday the 13th
Screenwriting duo Damian Shannon and Mark Swift have been hired to pen the remake featuring hockey-masked serial killer Jason Voorhees. I think they should totally rework the franchise and make Jason join an actual hockey team. If he were playing, I'd totally start going to NHL games.
The Love Guru
Jessica Alba confided that she gets to beat up pint-size actor Vern Troyer in Mike Myers' next comedy. To prepare for the role, she'll start hanging around schoolyards and taking down tykes.
Weirdsville
Scott Speedman and Wes Bentley star as a pair of stoners who run afoul of Satanists in the trailer. This is actually a new film based on an old script that never got produced: Cheech and Chong Go to Hell.
The Punisher: War Zone
Over on his message board, Paddy Considine says he's happy producers rescinded their offer for him to star as the villain Jigsaw since the first film "looks shitty" and director Lexi Alexander's previous film was "a gigantic mess." For those curious, Paddy's URL is www.ImACrank.com.
Funny Games
In the trailer, Naomi Watts and Tim Roth get brutally assaulted by two rich snots who listen to classical music. Yeah, these guys are psychotic killers, but at least they have good taste.
Run, Fatboy, Run
Simon Pegg's a guy who runs a marathon to win his girlfriend back. The trailer looks funny, but you know it's a low-budget movie when they don't pop for some extra cheeseburgers so the star can actually get fat. Hope they at least bought him some good sneakers.
There you have it, phans, another entry of the Phile. The next update will be next Thursday. Now, the Phile has had over 2500 views all ready. I still want to hit 3000 by Christmas. spread the word, not the turd.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
I'm The Brit In Celebrity
Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. I know, it's Wednesday. Tomorrow we are going to Nashville on a top secret mission so I wouldn't be able to update the blog on the usual Thursday this week. In next week's entry I will tell you all about the mission. Six years ago yesteday, this country was attacked. Tonight I am not comfortable making jokes about drunk celebrities and Hollywood nutjobs. If, by the way, you are a drunk celebrity or Hollywood nutjob, don’t get the wrong idea, I’ll be back at ya next week. If I stop making fun of the celebrities, the terrorists win. Larry Craig, a conservative senator form Idaho, on the way back to Washington got into a little trouble at the airport. During a layover, he thought, “Great — just enough time for coffee then into the bathroom for gay sex.” He tapped his foot to an undercover cop in the next stall. According to the cops, this is the bathroom code for “let’s get it on.” Not necessarily! It could also be code for, “I like your shoes.” He said he tapped his foot in the next stall because he has a wide stance. It’s kind of like “the dog ate my homework” excuse. President Bush was in Sydney, Australia for the APEC Summit, a gathering of 21 countries, responsible for half the world’s trade. He started off by saying he was happy to be at the OPEC Summit. On Capitol Hill. Gen. Petraeus testified again before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are saying Gen. Petraeus’ answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus’ use of the word “surge-arific.” Several Jewish groups are upset because President bush issued Rosh Hashana greetings over a week early. They’re saying Bush doesn’t know when Rosh Hashana is. Bush says he’ll make up for the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas. More details coming out about Britney Spears' performance at the MTV Awards. Sources at MTV say that Britney Spears showed up for the rehearsal of her song three hours late with a frozen margarita in her hand. Britney defended herself by saying the frozen margarita wasn’t for her, it was for her kids. Britney was criticized for being over weight, out of shape, and giving a half-hearted effort. Which explains why today Britney was signed by the New York Jets. Fun fact: The state of Arkansas says it has reduced the number of obese people in thatstate. Apparently Arkansas did that by throwing a Twinkie over the Missouri border.
THERE IS A GOD
Britney Spears is allegedly planning to get chest muscles in an effort to land a lucrative nude centerfold in Playboy Magazine. Last month, Britney had been begging Playboy boss Hugh Hefner for an opportunity to pose in the skin mag. The Hef turned her down. Insiders tell the National Enquirer the magazine has been put off by the fallen star’s massive financial demands. Playboy believes a nude Britney Spears is worth only $400,000. “It’s amazing what damage five years, 20lbs and two kids can do to a girl’s asking price,” one insider told the tab. “Britney is truly delusional if she thinks anyone is going to pay giant bucks to see her nude,” the acid-tongued source continued. “She’s already bared too much flesh for free while out partying for that to happen.” “Britney wants to get a new boob job, and she’s planning to step up her workouts in an effort to get Playboy to reconsider,” another insider told the Enquirer.
“She’s determined to get her sexy body back.” God, I hope it happens.
DISNEY"S AMERICA
Marié Digby is a big hit on YouTube. The 24-year-old's version of Rihanna's "Umbrella" is receiving airtime across the country, and her videos have been viewed over 2 million times. Last week, Walt Disney's Hollywood Records announced they'd signed her to a contract. A nice rags to riches story, heh? Except it isn't. The Wall Street Journal stripped the everywoman cover off of Digby by revealing that she'd signed with the record company back in '05. Her YouTube-based PR campaign was carefully constructed by Hollywood Records to launch her in a way that would gain the cache of authenticity viewers grant to user-developed content. Last year's controversial "LonelyGirl15" campaign demonstrated that some of the smartest people in America work in marketing. Noting the over-the-top success of that program, the ad industry is now awash with companies promising to launch viral campaigns of this nature, inspiring person-to-person emails for their product (you gotta see this!), and playing on the sense of ownership we have when we think we've discovered something authentic that others haven't. The question here, I think, is one of transparency. Obviously, in light of the way the internet has evolved, we plebeians are willing to trade some of our time viewing advertising in return for otherwise free content. I'm not convinced, however, that we are willing to embrace stealth marketing, where the message is disguised such that we may not identify it as advertising. The ruse of Digby's launch is minuscule in scope, but nonetheless causes me to trust what I see and read just a little less. Boy, Disney had a rough week. First the Marie Digby flap, and now this: In case it's not in your job description to pay mind to such things, the internet right now is all atwitter about a circulating photo of starlet Vanessa Hudgens baring her mouse ears, and then some. Miss Hudgens is one of the stars from Disney's very massive 'High School Musical' franchise, and girlfriend of HSM co-star (and perhaps budding shutterbug?) Zac Efron. But we're not here to judge -- well, I'm not here to judge. What's the complaint? "Disney creates these supposed role models for little girls and then they get famous and go off the deep end and we have a lot of explaining to do..." Whoa now, don't we know to expect this by now? I don't doubt Walt had great intentions, but the House of Mouse has loooonng been a sexpot factory. This ain't PBS, where every kid is special and all that -- this is THE Walt Disney Company. The Mickey Mouse Club tends to be pretty choosy about who gets to don those felt-letter sweaters. It so happens that toothy, telegenic girls predictably grow up to be bombshells -- the classic virgin vixens of textbook male fantasy -- and Disney has just been churning 'em out since Goofy was in short pants. Look past Britney Spears, the 800-pound gorilla of the species. You've got your Lindsay Lohan, your Hilary Duff, Christina Aguilera, Keri Russell, Lisa "Blair" Whelchel (did you know Facts of Life pioneers Whelchel, Molly Ringwald, and Julie Piekarski all had Mouseketeer pasts? Internet, you are awesome.), Kim Richards (Tia from Escape To Witch Mountain... *sigh*), all the way back to Hayley Mills and Annette Funicello. I'm sure there's some web page somewhere (I don't want to look) counting the seconds until Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana turns 18. I don't have the collective worth of these women in front of me, but Uncle Scrooge McDuck didn't make all those fantasticatrillions by himself. Not to detract from the talents and virtues of any of these women, nor paint them all as tabloid fodder. But ultimately they're human, and they're adults. Parents can't expect their children's idols to stay 15 forever, and the effects of a star-studded childhood on a kid are all too well documented by this point for this sort of news to surprise anyone. Moms and dads, if you want to dodge uncomfortable conversations with your kids, I don't know what to suggest ... ween your loved ones on The Muppets, I guess. They still haven't gone gonzo on us.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY
This is the follow up to the story on an old friend I knew five years ago at Epcot. Josh was on the college program at Disney and became good friends. I was invited to his wedding but didn't go, and my wife Jen was going to take professional pictures of he and his wife Lauren. Anyway, this is an article I found on him on a web site called teachersmackdown.com.
In Pooler, Georgia, Saint Andrew’s School music teacher Joshua Evans, 25, was arrested on federal charges of attempted sexual exploitation of children and child pornography charges. Since his home was searched by the FBI, US Immigration, GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation), and the Pooler Police Department I’m guessing that there’s more to this story than Evans looking at underage girls on the internet. Seems that Evans was trying to arrange to have sex and get nude photos of someone he believed was a 14-year-old girl. Whoops! The GBI began investigating Evans in May 2006 when an undercover agent posing as a 14-year-old girl began communicating with him in an online chat room. They chatted several times and arranged to meet at a Savannah hotel. Evans told the “girl” that he wanted to have sex and watch porn with her. This wasn’t the only victim that Evans was grooming. Seems that he was also having online conversations with five South Carolina officers who were posing as a 12-year-old girl. Double whoops! A U.S. Magistrate judge ordered Evans to wear an electronic monitor. He can only leave his house for counseling to meet with his probation officer. While the investigation at St. Andrew’s School showed that nothing was going on at the school - either online or with the students - the principal fired Evans and is now looking for his replacement. Evans’ pregnant wife has been ordered by the judge to cancel the internet service to their home. She’s allowed to keep her computer for her work as a school teacher. Evans’ parents put up the $50,000 bond for their son. As partof his bond, Evans must undergo substance abuse testing and mental health treatment. He cannot have contact with children or possess any weapons. I’m glad they caught Evans. He certainly had a huge internet child porn/exploitation problem if he was being investigated by so many law enforcement agencies. Luckily there were no real victims…I hope. In fact, the only people Joshua Evans victimized are his wife, his unborn child, and his parents. I can only imagine the shame they must feel.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Courtney Love wanted to make big waves with her band Hole's 1994 major-label debut CD, but the circumstances around the timing of the album's success were unfortunate, to say the least. The album was set to come out one week after Love's husband, Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, committed suicide in the couple's home outside Seattle. Hole's label released the ironically titled 'Live Through This' album anyway, and it quickly became a chart-topping alternative hit.
R.I.P.
Hughie Thomasson, Outlaws guitarist: The Lynyrd Skynyrd Book of the Dead gets another member. How much you want to bet that they'll all be gone before gym teacher (and namesake) Leonard Skinner?
Steve Fossett?: How ironic; a Fossett, down the drain. If he doesn't have a shit load of water with him, he's a gonner even if he landed safely somewhere. If he's still in the air I think he's got himself another world record. And if he's still in the air he'll be a trillionaire for the patent on whatever kept him there.
Jane Wyman: I'll bet she was good and tired of all those "What was Robert Young really like?" questions.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1878
The magnificent phallic symbol Cleopatra's Needle is erected in London on the bank of the Thames. It doesn't really have anything to do with Cleopatra. The obelisk has a twin in New York's Central Park, also named Cleopatra's Needle. It has nothing to do with Cleopatra, either.
1966
NBC television premieres 'The Monkees', a sitcom about four guys in a rock band. When the show becomes a hit, the fictional Monkees somehow release a string of albums, even though three of the actors can't even play their instruments.
1970
After releasing most of their captives, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine blows up three hijacked passenger jets in the Jordanian desert. The 40 remaining Israeli hostages are taken to secret locations in Amman, Jordan.
1977
The body of Steven Biko is discovered on the floor of a jail cell in Pretoria. The South African civil rights activist had been beaten and tortured six days earlier, during an interrogation in Port Elizabeth. Police officials claim that Biko probably suffered the fatal injuries when he "fell out of bed."
1992
Anthony Perkins, star of the Hitchcock classic Psycho, dies of AIDS in his Hollywood hills home. His extraordinary versatility as an actor is captured in the films Psycho II, Psycho III, and Psycho IV: The New Beginning.
1994
After a night of boozing and smoking crack, Frank Corder steals a Cessna P150 and crashes it into the south lawn of the White House. The wreckage tumbles over a tree and a hedge before coming to rest against the West Wing of the Executive Mansion. Corder's flamboyant suicide attack never actually imperiled President Clinton's life, since the First Family was sleeping elsewhere at the time.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
A teenager "quite literally went up in flames" after a 14-year-old friend sparked a lighter next to him, a jury at Cardiff Crown Court has been told. The boy denies causing grievous bodily harm with intent, but has admitted grievous bodily harm.
The prosecution said the 13-year-old suffered 29% burns and would probably need surgery for the rest of his life. The jury heard the victim had spilled petrol on his trousers after sniffing its fumes in a garage near Aberdare. Huw Evans, prosecuting, said the 13-year-old "quite literally went up in flames" in the incident on 12 April at the garage in Godreaman. Mr Evans added that he was in hospital for eight weeks and needed skin grafts. "He has been left very seriously scarred," Mr Evans added. The two boys were with others, who had been messing about with a friend's motorbike, the jury was told. Some, including the injured boy, had been sniffing petrol from a can but somehow petrol had been spilled onto his trousers. Speaking via a live video-link, the 13-year-old said he had been "tonking" or sniffing petrol, for the first time on that occasion and said it had made him feel giddy. He told the court the 14-year-old had spilled petrol on him, and denied he had done it himself. He said he "felt something wet" on his leg and that he had then grabbed his friend, who pushed him back. "I said 'light me on fire and you're coming with me'," he told the court. "I just remember running up the steps in flames." Other friends, and the mother of one boy, tried to extinguish the flames with milk and damp towels before an ambulance arrived. The boy said: "It was hurting like I hadn't felt pain before." When questioned the boy estimated 20 seconds passed between the petrol being spilled on his leg and the trousers going up in flames. The court heard that the defendant told police later that he was lighting a cigarete with his lighter when the other boy accidentally caught fire.
Neither can be identified. The case is continuing.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, "Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer." "Hot damn," the cowboy says to himself, "My three favorite things!"
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.
GEEK TALK
This post includes spoilers. Do not read this post if you don't want to know the plot of Magneto. Fans of The X-Men beware or enjoy. Yes, over at Obsessed With Film, they've learned the entire plot of the X-Men spin-off, written by David S. Goyer, who will also direct. Deciding not to reveal every plot point, OWF's Will Reynolds provides the basics, including the fact that the film will have bookending scenes set in Poland at the 60th Anniversary of the Auschwitz Liberation. After the basically present-day opening, Magneto heads back in time to that prelude in X-Men, where young Erik Lehnsherr (aka Magneto) destroys the concentration camp's gates. He's then experimented on by Nazi scientists, including a Dr. Kleinman. Fast forward to the Ukraine, where we see Erik married to Magda, with whom he has a daughter, Anya. So far, we're following the comics pretty well. Then, apparently both Magda and Anya are killed when townspeople burn down the Lehnsherr's home (it should only be Anya, right?). From there, the spin-off follows the plotline in which Magneto goes Nazi hunting. Erik ends up in Paris and then moves to Argentina, where he searches for Dr. Kleinman with the help of a CIA agent. Eventually the plot moves on to Israel, where Erik meets a soccer-playing Charles Xavier (aka Professor X), who is said to be good at helping Holocaust survivors. Will the duo gang up to fight Baron Von Strucker and HYDRA? We'll have to wait and see ... Of course, there are more details over at OWF, as I think if you really don't mind spoilers, you might want to check out the site. From the description they've provided so far, the film seems more like a drama, like Munich, than a super-hero action flick. OWF also says Magneto, which may actually be fully titled X-Men Origins: Magneto, will feature Senator Kelly (young and old), Victor Creed (aka Sabretooth, who also shows up in the Wolverine spin-off -- good news for Tyler Mane) and Mystique. This is a lot more information than I was able to provide last week, and I have to thank OWF for giving just enough of a synopsis to keep me excited without feeling like I don't need to see the movie (like I would ever think I didn't need to see this!). The site likens the screenplay to Goyer's script for Batman Begins, combined with The Boys from Brazil (which is being remade just in time to go head to head with Magneto) and, of course, the X-Men trilogy. Keep in mind, as always, these are only rumors and the completed film could always head in a different direction.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
I get really pumped watching the trailer when Robert Downey Jr. dons his superhero suit for the first time and the classic Ozzy song "Iron Man" starts pounding on the soundtrack. I hope there's a scene in the film where Downey has to bite the head off of a metallic bat.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
First Shia LaBeouf claimed he was not up for the job as Indy Jr. Then on the MTV Video Music Awards he pretended to, on the spur of the moment, "out" the actual, long-awaited title of Indy 4. Maybe they should have called it Indiana Jones and the Lying-Son-of-a-Fedora.
Bond 22
Actor Jesper Christensen, who bedeviled Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, claims he's definitely returning. Instead of poker, though, the two adversaries are going to square off in a brutal bingo game that turns deadly when they each hit O-69 in the championship match.
John Rambo
First there was the controversy over Sly bringing human growth hormone into Australia. Now, the new trailer includes a lesson from his dubious weight-loss plan. I don't see what the problem is: Firing a rocket launcher through somebody's gut really does take the pounds off.
There Will Be Blood
The first official trailer is online for Paul Thomas Anderson's latest. It looks pretty good, but I'm a little disappointed. When I heard the director of Boogie Nights was making an epic about oil barons, I thought it was going to be about porn stars getting into hot oil wrestling.
The Wolfman
Benicio Del Toro looks like a feral animal in this frightening first promo pic. And, believe it or not, that's without makeup!
Transformers 2
Producer Don Murphy revealed on his message board that any production is going to be delayed due to the impending Hollywood strike. If Murphy thinks screenwriters and directors are tough to negotiate with, he better hope that Optimus Prime doesn't join the truckers union.
Tron 2
Logan's Run remake director Joseph Kosinski has been hired to make the sequel to the classic video-game movie. He wanted the gig so bad he even shot a short audition reel. Personally, I think the direction he's going is a little out there, if you watch it.
Religulous
The first poster for the religious spoof mocks people who see Jesus and Mary in their food by putting star Bill Maher's face on a grilled cheese sandwich. I once saw an image of Abraham Lincoln in an ear of corn and sold it on eBay for a hundred bucks.
Splice
Adrien Brody's a deranged scientist who splices together human and animal DNA to turn a woman into a winged beast. What's also spliced together? The script. Splice in a little Island of Dr. Moreau with some Species and — voila!
Transsiberian
In the trailer, Woody Harrelson is completely floored when he finds out his wife is smuggling heroin in toy figurines across Russia. So when she finds his pot stash, it's no big deal, right?
There you have it, guys and gals, another entry of the Phile. The next entry will be next Thursday unless I have another mission to go on. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Oh, and I still want to hit 3000 by Christmas.
THERE IS A GOD
Britney Spears is allegedly planning to get chest muscles in an effort to land a lucrative nude centerfold in Playboy Magazine. Last month, Britney had been begging Playboy boss Hugh Hefner for an opportunity to pose in the skin mag. The Hef turned her down. Insiders tell the National Enquirer the magazine has been put off by the fallen star’s massive financial demands. Playboy believes a nude Britney Spears is worth only $400,000. “It’s amazing what damage five years, 20lbs and two kids can do to a girl’s asking price,” one insider told the tab. “Britney is truly delusional if she thinks anyone is going to pay giant bucks to see her nude,” the acid-tongued source continued. “She’s already bared too much flesh for free while out partying for that to happen.” “Britney wants to get a new boob job, and she’s planning to step up her workouts in an effort to get Playboy to reconsider,” another insider told the Enquirer.
“She’s determined to get her sexy body back.” God, I hope it happens.
DISNEY"S AMERICA
Marié Digby is a big hit on YouTube. The 24-year-old's version of Rihanna's "Umbrella" is receiving airtime across the country, and her videos have been viewed over 2 million times. Last week, Walt Disney's Hollywood Records announced they'd signed her to a contract. A nice rags to riches story, heh? Except it isn't. The Wall Street Journal stripped the everywoman cover off of Digby by revealing that she'd signed with the record company back in '05. Her YouTube-based PR campaign was carefully constructed by Hollywood Records to launch her in a way that would gain the cache of authenticity viewers grant to user-developed content. Last year's controversial "LonelyGirl15" campaign demonstrated that some of the smartest people in America work in marketing. Noting the over-the-top success of that program, the ad industry is now awash with companies promising to launch viral campaigns of this nature, inspiring person-to-person emails for their product (you gotta see this!), and playing on the sense of ownership we have when we think we've discovered something authentic that others haven't. The question here, I think, is one of transparency. Obviously, in light of the way the internet has evolved, we plebeians are willing to trade some of our time viewing advertising in return for otherwise free content. I'm not convinced, however, that we are willing to embrace stealth marketing, where the message is disguised such that we may not identify it as advertising. The ruse of Digby's launch is minuscule in scope, but nonetheless causes me to trust what I see and read just a little less. Boy, Disney had a rough week. First the Marie Digby flap, and now this: In case it's not in your job description to pay mind to such things, the internet right now is all atwitter about a circulating photo of starlet Vanessa Hudgens baring her mouse ears, and then some. Miss Hudgens is one of the stars from Disney's very massive 'High School Musical' franchise, and girlfriend of HSM co-star (and perhaps budding shutterbug?) Zac Efron. But we're not here to judge -- well, I'm not here to judge. What's the complaint? "Disney creates these supposed role models for little girls and then they get famous and go off the deep end and we have a lot of explaining to do..." Whoa now, don't we know to expect this by now? I don't doubt Walt had great intentions, but the House of Mouse has loooonng been a sexpot factory. This ain't PBS, where every kid is special and all that -- this is THE Walt Disney Company. The Mickey Mouse Club tends to be pretty choosy about who gets to don those felt-letter sweaters. It so happens that toothy, telegenic girls predictably grow up to be bombshells -- the classic virgin vixens of textbook male fantasy -- and Disney has just been churning 'em out since Goofy was in short pants. Look past Britney Spears, the 800-pound gorilla of the species. You've got your Lindsay Lohan, your Hilary Duff, Christina Aguilera, Keri Russell, Lisa "Blair" Whelchel (did you know Facts of Life pioneers Whelchel, Molly Ringwald, and Julie Piekarski all had Mouseketeer pasts? Internet, you are awesome.), Kim Richards (Tia from Escape To Witch Mountain... *sigh*), all the way back to Hayley Mills and Annette Funicello. I'm sure there's some web page somewhere (I don't want to look) counting the seconds until Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana turns 18. I don't have the collective worth of these women in front of me, but Uncle Scrooge McDuck didn't make all those fantasticatrillions by himself. Not to detract from the talents and virtues of any of these women, nor paint them all as tabloid fodder. But ultimately they're human, and they're adults. Parents can't expect their children's idols to stay 15 forever, and the effects of a star-studded childhood on a kid are all too well documented by this point for this sort of news to surprise anyone. Moms and dads, if you want to dodge uncomfortable conversations with your kids, I don't know what to suggest ... ween your loved ones on The Muppets, I guess. They still haven't gone gonzo on us.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEBODY
This is the follow up to the story on an old friend I knew five years ago at Epcot. Josh was on the college program at Disney and became good friends. I was invited to his wedding but didn't go, and my wife Jen was going to take professional pictures of he and his wife Lauren. Anyway, this is an article I found on him on a web site called teachersmackdown.com.
In Pooler, Georgia, Saint Andrew’s School music teacher Joshua Evans, 25, was arrested on federal charges of attempted sexual exploitation of children and child pornography charges. Since his home was searched by the FBI, US Immigration, GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation), and the Pooler Police Department I’m guessing that there’s more to this story than Evans looking at underage girls on the internet. Seems that Evans was trying to arrange to have sex and get nude photos of someone he believed was a 14-year-old girl. Whoops! The GBI began investigating Evans in May 2006 when an undercover agent posing as a 14-year-old girl began communicating with him in an online chat room. They chatted several times and arranged to meet at a Savannah hotel. Evans told the “girl” that he wanted to have sex and watch porn with her. This wasn’t the only victim that Evans was grooming. Seems that he was also having online conversations with five South Carolina officers who were posing as a 12-year-old girl. Double whoops! A U.S. Magistrate judge ordered Evans to wear an electronic monitor. He can only leave his house for counseling to meet with his probation officer. While the investigation at St. Andrew’s School showed that nothing was going on at the school - either online or with the students - the principal fired Evans and is now looking for his replacement. Evans’ pregnant wife has been ordered by the judge to cancel the internet service to their home. She’s allowed to keep her computer for her work as a school teacher. Evans’ parents put up the $50,000 bond for their son. As partof his bond, Evans must undergo substance abuse testing and mental health treatment. He cannot have contact with children or possess any weapons. I’m glad they caught Evans. He certainly had a huge internet child porn/exploitation problem if he was being investigated by so many law enforcement agencies. Luckily there were no real victims…I hope. In fact, the only people Joshua Evans victimized are his wife, his unborn child, and his parents. I can only imagine the shame they must feel.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Courtney Love wanted to make big waves with her band Hole's 1994 major-label debut CD, but the circumstances around the timing of the album's success were unfortunate, to say the least. The album was set to come out one week after Love's husband, Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, committed suicide in the couple's home outside Seattle. Hole's label released the ironically titled 'Live Through This' album anyway, and it quickly became a chart-topping alternative hit.
R.I.P.
Hughie Thomasson, Outlaws guitarist: The Lynyrd Skynyrd Book of the Dead gets another member. How much you want to bet that they'll all be gone before gym teacher (and namesake) Leonard Skinner?
Steve Fossett?: How ironic; a Fossett, down the drain. If he doesn't have a shit load of water with him, he's a gonner even if he landed safely somewhere. If he's still in the air I think he's got himself another world record. And if he's still in the air he'll be a trillionaire for the patent on whatever kept him there.
Jane Wyman: I'll bet she was good and tired of all those "What was Robert Young really like?" questions.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1878
The magnificent phallic symbol Cleopatra's Needle is erected in London on the bank of the Thames. It doesn't really have anything to do with Cleopatra. The obelisk has a twin in New York's Central Park, also named Cleopatra's Needle. It has nothing to do with Cleopatra, either.
1966
NBC television premieres 'The Monkees', a sitcom about four guys in a rock band. When the show becomes a hit, the fictional Monkees somehow release a string of albums, even though three of the actors can't even play their instruments.
1970
After releasing most of their captives, the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine blows up three hijacked passenger jets in the Jordanian desert. The 40 remaining Israeli hostages are taken to secret locations in Amman, Jordan.
1977
The body of Steven Biko is discovered on the floor of a jail cell in Pretoria. The South African civil rights activist had been beaten and tortured six days earlier, during an interrogation in Port Elizabeth. Police officials claim that Biko probably suffered the fatal injuries when he "fell out of bed."
1992
Anthony Perkins, star of the Hitchcock classic Psycho, dies of AIDS in his Hollywood hills home. His extraordinary versatility as an actor is captured in the films Psycho II, Psycho III, and Psycho IV: The New Beginning.
1994
After a night of boozing and smoking crack, Frank Corder steals a Cessna P150 and crashes it into the south lawn of the White House. The wreckage tumbles over a tree and a hedge before coming to rest against the West Wing of the Executive Mansion. Corder's flamboyant suicide attack never actually imperiled President Clinton's life, since the First Family was sleeping elsewhere at the time.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
A teenager "quite literally went up in flames" after a 14-year-old friend sparked a lighter next to him, a jury at Cardiff Crown Court has been told. The boy denies causing grievous bodily harm with intent, but has admitted grievous bodily harm.
The prosecution said the 13-year-old suffered 29% burns and would probably need surgery for the rest of his life. The jury heard the victim had spilled petrol on his trousers after sniffing its fumes in a garage near Aberdare. Huw Evans, prosecuting, said the 13-year-old "quite literally went up in flames" in the incident on 12 April at the garage in Godreaman. Mr Evans added that he was in hospital for eight weeks and needed skin grafts. "He has been left very seriously scarred," Mr Evans added. The two boys were with others, who had been messing about with a friend's motorbike, the jury was told. Some, including the injured boy, had been sniffing petrol from a can but somehow petrol had been spilled onto his trousers. Speaking via a live video-link, the 13-year-old said he had been "tonking" or sniffing petrol, for the first time on that occasion and said it had made him feel giddy. He told the court the 14-year-old had spilled petrol on him, and denied he had done it himself. He said he "felt something wet" on his leg and that he had then grabbed his friend, who pushed him back. "I said 'light me on fire and you're coming with me'," he told the court. "I just remember running up the steps in flames." Other friends, and the mother of one boy, tried to extinguish the flames with milk and damp towels before an ambulance arrived. The boy said: "It was hurting like I hadn't felt pain before." When questioned the boy estimated 20 seconds passed between the petrol being spilled on his leg and the trousers going up in flames. The court heard that the defendant told police later that he was lighting a cigarete with his lighter when the other boy accidentally caught fire.
Neither can be identified. The case is continuing.
CANNED LAUGHTER
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, "Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer." "Hot damn," the cowboy says to himself, "My three favorite things!"
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.
GEEK TALK
This post includes spoilers. Do not read this post if you don't want to know the plot of Magneto. Fans of The X-Men beware or enjoy. Yes, over at Obsessed With Film, they've learned the entire plot of the X-Men spin-off, written by David S. Goyer, who will also direct. Deciding not to reveal every plot point, OWF's Will Reynolds provides the basics, including the fact that the film will have bookending scenes set in Poland at the 60th Anniversary of the Auschwitz Liberation. After the basically present-day opening, Magneto heads back in time to that prelude in X-Men, where young Erik Lehnsherr (aka Magneto) destroys the concentration camp's gates. He's then experimented on by Nazi scientists, including a Dr. Kleinman. Fast forward to the Ukraine, where we see Erik married to Magda, with whom he has a daughter, Anya. So far, we're following the comics pretty well. Then, apparently both Magda and Anya are killed when townspeople burn down the Lehnsherr's home (it should only be Anya, right?). From there, the spin-off follows the plotline in which Magneto goes Nazi hunting. Erik ends up in Paris and then moves to Argentina, where he searches for Dr. Kleinman with the help of a CIA agent. Eventually the plot moves on to Israel, where Erik meets a soccer-playing Charles Xavier (aka Professor X), who is said to be good at helping Holocaust survivors. Will the duo gang up to fight Baron Von Strucker and HYDRA? We'll have to wait and see ... Of course, there are more details over at OWF, as I think if you really don't mind spoilers, you might want to check out the site. From the description they've provided so far, the film seems more like a drama, like Munich, than a super-hero action flick. OWF also says Magneto, which may actually be fully titled X-Men Origins: Magneto, will feature Senator Kelly (young and old), Victor Creed (aka Sabretooth, who also shows up in the Wolverine spin-off -- good news for Tyler Mane) and Mystique. This is a lot more information than I was able to provide last week, and I have to thank OWF for giving just enough of a synopsis to keep me excited without feeling like I don't need to see the movie (like I would ever think I didn't need to see this!). The site likens the screenplay to Goyer's script for Batman Begins, combined with The Boys from Brazil (which is being remade just in time to go head to head with Magneto) and, of course, the X-Men trilogy. Keep in mind, as always, these are only rumors and the completed film could always head in a different direction.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
I get really pumped watching the trailer when Robert Downey Jr. dons his superhero suit for the first time and the classic Ozzy song "Iron Man" starts pounding on the soundtrack. I hope there's a scene in the film where Downey has to bite the head off of a metallic bat.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
First Shia LaBeouf claimed he was not up for the job as Indy Jr. Then on the MTV Video Music Awards he pretended to, on the spur of the moment, "out" the actual, long-awaited title of Indy 4. Maybe they should have called it Indiana Jones and the Lying-Son-of-a-Fedora.
Bond 22
Actor Jesper Christensen, who bedeviled Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, claims he's definitely returning. Instead of poker, though, the two adversaries are going to square off in a brutal bingo game that turns deadly when they each hit O-69 in the championship match.
John Rambo
First there was the controversy over Sly bringing human growth hormone into Australia. Now, the new trailer includes a lesson from his dubious weight-loss plan. I don't see what the problem is: Firing a rocket launcher through somebody's gut really does take the pounds off.
There Will Be Blood
The first official trailer is online for Paul Thomas Anderson's latest. It looks pretty good, but I'm a little disappointed. When I heard the director of Boogie Nights was making an epic about oil barons, I thought it was going to be about porn stars getting into hot oil wrestling.
The Wolfman
Benicio Del Toro looks like a feral animal in this frightening first promo pic. And, believe it or not, that's without makeup!
Transformers 2
Producer Don Murphy revealed on his message board that any production is going to be delayed due to the impending Hollywood strike. If Murphy thinks screenwriters and directors are tough to negotiate with, he better hope that Optimus Prime doesn't join the truckers union.
Tron 2
Logan's Run remake director Joseph Kosinski has been hired to make the sequel to the classic video-game movie. He wanted the gig so bad he even shot a short audition reel. Personally, I think the direction he's going is a little out there, if you watch it.
Religulous
The first poster for the religious spoof mocks people who see Jesus and Mary in their food by putting star Bill Maher's face on a grilled cheese sandwich. I once saw an image of Abraham Lincoln in an ear of corn and sold it on eBay for a hundred bucks.
Splice
Adrien Brody's a deranged scientist who splices together human and animal DNA to turn a woman into a winged beast. What's also spliced together? The script. Splice in a little Island of Dr. Moreau with some Species and — voila!
Transsiberian
In the trailer, Woody Harrelson is completely floored when he finds out his wife is smuggling heroin in toy figurines across Russia. So when she finds his pot stash, it's no big deal, right?
There you have it, guys and gals, another entry of the Phile. The next entry will be next Thursday unless I have another mission to go on. Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Oh, and I still want to hit 3000 by Christmas.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Chinese Toys Taste Better
Howdy, Phans, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog. There’s a new book out on President Bush. I learned President Bush is a sensitive man. He says he cries a lot. It would be even better to hear that he reads but . . . Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for president today. Here’s why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: America’s not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush maybe . . . On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land — a huge 42 acre mountain-view estate in Montecito, Calif. It’s projected to raise $3 million. Two million of which is projected to come from the “Dunk Stedman” booth. Idaho Sen. Larry Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. If I was Larry Craig, here’s what I’d say: “I’m not gay, but my feet are.” It’s been one year since Katie Couric took over the CBS Evening News, and to celebrate, CBS is sending her to Iraq. I guess that should give CBS enough time to move the studio to someplace where she can’t find it. Last weekend I got my second tatoo, dad's autograph. This weekend I am thinking about getting 'Made In England' tattooed on my ass. Or as we say in England, arse. And now, for a special pheature called...
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE
This next article is about a good friend of mine who used to work with me at Epcot about five years ago. Until recently we lost contact, and now I know why.
A St. Andrews Elementary School teacher is out on bond tonight, charged with trying to access pornography and engage in inappropriate conversations with a child through the Internet. Several law enforcement agencies, including the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the Georgia Bureau of Investigations and the Pooler Police Department searched the home of Joshua Evans in Pooler looking for evidence. They say they found what they were looking for and arrested the 25-year-old teacher.
Today, in federal court Evans was arraigned and then released on a $50,000 bond, but must remain on house arrest and cannot have access to the Internet or any contact with minors. Meanwhile across the county at St. Andrews school, administrators tell us they're in a state of shock. Headmaster EC Hubbard says all employees undergo a criminal background check and Evans had no prior history. "It's only logical the people we employ for our children are the people of good character and in my opinion, Mr. Evans was. We did an extensive criminal checks references and I personally make those calls," said Hubbard. Evans had been a music teacher at St. Andrews Elementary School for two years and the headmaster says in that period of time, none of the children were in danger. And after talking to the FBI, there's no evidence of inappropriate behavior conducted on school grounds. "While we can't understand, I believe that safe guards are sufficient that no sort of criminal conduct happened at school," said Hubbard. Hubbard says he's concerned about the school's reputation and that's why he sent a letter to all parents explaining what happened. "Our foremost concern is for the safety and welfare of our children and we take steps to ensure that safety," said Hubbard. Steps he says his administrators always take very seriously. At this point, none of the agencies involved in the Evans case are going into detail as to what led to his arrest. We should learn more when Evans makes his next court appearance which has not yet been set. Hubbard says Evans will not return to St. Andrews and the school is looking for a permanent replacement.
In the next entry I will have the follow up report.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
As the newbie of the group, Michelle Williams had a lot to prove when she joined Destiny's Child. The group's May 4, 2005 appearance on BET's '106 & Park' didn't help shed her weak-link status. During the first few seconds of DC's performance of 'Soldier,' Michelle slipped on stage and fell to the ground with a thud. Perhaps most embarrassing is that neither Kelly nor B stopped to help their fallen friend. To her credit, Michelle picked herself off, and kept on shaking while the cameras rolled, but it's an experience she'll never fully live down.
R.I.P.
Luciano Pavarotti: Pavarotting. There, it's done; that's out of the way, hope for something original.
Conservative leader the Rev. D. James Kennedy: If I'm Pat Robertson, I'm shitting bricks.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
POMPANO BEACH, Fla.-- A woman out for jog while listening to her iPod had her legs severed by a freight train because she may not have heard it coming, authorities said. Cheryl Ann Risse, 32, was recovering at a hospital Friday. Authorities did not know how she ended up in the path of the train Thursday morning, but rescue workers speculated she did not hear the locomotive coming because she was listening to her iPod. Risse often jogged across the tracks on her way to a nearby park, said Keyla Concepcion, spokeswoman for the Broward Sheriff's Office. The train engineer didn't know he had struck Risse until he returned along the same tracks minutes later, Concepcion said. A passing sheriff's deputy noticed her waving her arms. "My feet are on fire," she told Tony Long, a battalion chief for Pompano Beach Fire-Rescue, who responded to the scene. "Do you think you can put the fire out? They're really hurting." The woman was expected to survive.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1901
While shaking hands at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York, President William McKinley is shot twice in the abdomen at point-blank range with a .32 caliber revolver. He dies a week later. The assassin, an anarchist by the name of Leon Frank Czolgosz, actually is a lone gunman (for once).
1951
During a drinking party in Mexico City, author William S. Burroughs instructs his wife Joan to balance a glass of gin on her head. He then takes careful aim with his new .38 pistol, and unintentionally blows her brains out in front of their friends. The Mexican authorities later charge Burroughs with criminal imprudence.
1966
Parliamentary messenger Demetrios Tsafendas assassinates Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd, by sticking a knife in his chest on the floor of the South African legislature. The apartheid system had been Verwoerd's brainchild.
1986
In Istanbul, two Arab terrorists step inside the Neve Shalom synagogue on Buyuk Hendek Street during Sabbath services. They unload into the worshippers with submachine guns and grenades, killing 22 and wounding six. The incident is later attributed to Abu Nidal's terror organization.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
LONDON, England-- British authorities ruled Wednesday that research using animal eggs to create human stem cells could go forward in principle. The Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority decided to allow the research, which involves placing human DNA into cow or rabbit eggs that have had their genetic material removed. According to the ruling, projects would be decided on a case-by-case basis, said Paula Woodward, a spokeswoman for the regulator. Experts have said such research, which is currently under way in the United States and China, is critical to unlocking treatments for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other genetic diseases. Scientists want to use animal eggs because the supply of human eggs is limited.
However, the research has raised ethical worries. The involvement of animals has caused concern among the public, while right-to-life advocates fear it could lead ultimately to genetically modified babies -- despite the fact that the studies being considered would only allow development of eggs for a few days. The research involves taking a cow or rabbit egg which no longer has its own DNA and injecting human genetic material. The egg is induced to divide, becoming a very early embryo from which stem cells could be extracted. Some experts questioned whether residual animal traces might contaminate human DNA, thus invalidating the stem cell experiments. Advocates of the research insist it would be a human embryo made in the shell of an animal egg, though a minute amount of animal genes remain. The resulting egg contains 13 animal genes compared with some 20,000-25,000 human genes.
Dr. David King, director of the independent watchdog group Human Genetics Alert, said allowing such research to go forward would be the first step toward producing genetically modified babies.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: Have you heard of ginkgo Viagra? A: Yeah, it helps you remember what the fuck you were thinking.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results. When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem. "We sent your wife's blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don't knowwhich test is your wife's and the results were bad and worse," she says. "Well, tell me the results for each test," he replies. "One test came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other came back positive for AIDS," the nurse says. "Oh my god…what am I going to do?" Mr. Smith asks. "Oh, don't worry, the doctor came up with an idea," the nurse replies reassuringly. "He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don't fuck her."
RIDICULOUS BAND NAMES IN ROCK HISTORY
PORNO FOR PYROS: Former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell came up with the name while watching coverage of the LA riots on television. Presumably while jacking off. Why it's ridiculous: Pornography for pyromaniacs is, for all intents and purposes, regular pornography. Sure, there are maybe a few crazy people out there getting sexual pleasure from watching videos of people setting fires—but your garden variety pyromaniac isn't renting College Slut Matches & Gasoline Party VII. He's out burning down the neighborhood Costco. It turns out they just really like burning stuff.
DOCTOR WHO
Once again the fate of David Tennant's role as the Doctor on "Doctor Who" is in question. Earlier this year there were rumors that Tennant would not resume his role for the fourth series of the popular science fiction program. However, those rumors were quickly refuted. Now comes word directly from the BBC that the show will not be returning for a fifth series until 2010 (the fourth series premieres in 2008). It was postponed to allow Tennant to play Hamlet with the Royal Shakespeare Company late next year. A spokesperson for the show said it was too early to comment on whether or not Tennant would return for a fifth series. That doesn't mean you should be wailing uncontrollably and rending your clothing quite yet. To fill the gap Tennant will star in three "Doctor Who" specials, to air in 2009, that will be written by Russell T. Davies. In the meantime, another Christmas special, starring Kylie Minogue, will air at the end of this year. And, in the fourth series (BIT OF A SPOILER ALERT HERE) look for Catherine Tate to return as the Doctor's partner.
GEEK TALK
Now that the dust has finally settled from the summer movie season, it's time to kick back, relax and, well, gear up for next summer's blockbusters I guess. Tony Stark, a.k.a. Shell Head, a.k.a. The Golden Avenger, a.k.a. Iron Man is yet another Marvel Comics character getting the big-screen treatment, and that hotly-anticipated flick will be arriving in theaters via a nifty set of boot jets on May 2, 2008. Director Jon Favreau has posted on his Myspace page that the first teaser trailer will be playing on Monday 9/10 during several TV shows, although the most ardent of Iron Man fans will want to tune into MTV's The Hills that day because that's where the spot will air first. The teaser will show up in a bunch of places on Monday and Tuesday, including Comedy Central's "The Daily Show", "CSI" on Spike TV and "The Andy Griffith Show" on TVLand. Yeah, I did a double take on Andy Griffith too. Looks like their hitting some pretty diverse demographics. A high-res version will also be appearing on Apple.com/trailers Tuesday 9/11. Check out Favreau's Myspace for a more complete listing of shows carrying the promo. Apparently the teaser incorporates much of the footage that was shown at Comicon -- footage which, incidentally, can still be viewed via crappy cell phone video over on Youtube. Frankly, I'm surprised Paramount hasn't yanked it, but even in substandard video, the footage looks awesome, and it's all set to the Black Sabbath song 'Iron Man'. Nice. Can't wait to see the high-def version.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
In a video interview, Terrence Howard says the film about a superheroic arms manufacturer is actually anti-war. I just hope it tries to get its message of peace across with a lot of stuff getting blown up.
Saw IV
The official website's first teaser trailer is almost completely lacking in gore but features lots of people screaming while bathed in an eerie green tint. And, really, isn't the color of money more important than the color of blood at this point in the franchise?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
A fan was able to take a ton of terrific backlot photos, including some massive outdoor sets in L.A. and inside shots of Egyptian statues. Know what would be a great gag for the film? Have Indy stumble across Han Solo frozen in carbonite hidden among the artifacts.
The Topkapi Affair
Angelina Jolie has just signed on to star alongside Pierce Brosnan in this sequel to The Thomas Crown Affair, which is an odd coincidence, because she was already planning to name her next adopted kid Topkapi.
Red State
Kevin Smith wrote on his blog that he finished his horror-movie script, claimed that it's "relentlessly bleak" and that he ate an entire container of chocolate-covered pretzels and a meatball sub after he finished. Apparently, the script is even bleaker than going to a Weight Watchers meeting.
Stopping Power
The plug has been pulled on that John Cusack action flick with the 51-minute nonstop chase scene. Guess they should've called it This Movie's Totally Awesome and Will Make $200 Mil.
The Mist
The trailer for the Stephen King adaptation has Thomas Jane and other supermarket shoppers being terrorized by giant insects. Dummies. The cans of Raid are on Aisle 12.
Captain Mike Across America
Michael Moore throws himself to the wolves by appearing at 2004 Bush/Cheney campaign stops in the promo photos. The way the crowds are calling for his blood, Moore kinda reminds me of a heavier version of Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
Almost Home
Hey, Jen, Jon Bon Jovi is producing a movie based on a kids' novel about homeless teens. He admits that he's taking a huge risk, but he's livin' on a prayer.
The Catch
Jim Belushi is making his feature directing debut and will also star in this real-life story about a 42-year-old who goes back to college to play football. If it were me, I'd sprain my knee during the first game and be content to hang out on the sidelines watching cheerleaders.
Mother of Tears
If you want to get good and grossed out, check out the grotesque trailer for Italian horror maestro Dario Argento's latest fright flick, which stars his daughter Asia fighting a bloodthirsty cult. Remind me to turn down my invite to their family Thanksgiving dinner.
And now, the review of
Mr. Bean's Holiday
Starring Who's in It: Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe. Mr. Bean goes to France and gets involved in all sorts of wacky, near-silent, G-rated shenanigans. None of them are especially laugh-out-loud funny, unless the very sight of Atkinson making that dumbest-person-alive face makes you crack up all by itself. In a series of vignettes that would mostly be unrelated other than that they all happen to Mr. Bean, he dumps food in a lady's purse, he rides a bike really fast, he accidentally "kidnaps" a child, he winds up at the Cannes Film Festival and much more. Most film critics claim to be completely objective, but they're not. No one is. And so here's my confession: Mr. Bean has never succeeded in making me laugh. Because of this, when I see that he's in a movie, I assume that I won't laugh. And then I don't. So what I'm saying is that if you think Mr. Bean is the funniest character ever created in Western Civilization, then by all means, ignore this review. Kids will have a great time. Logan pretty much laughed all the way through. Little kids love it when people fall down, crash into things, spill food, etc. Slapstick was probably invented with children in mind. My favorite scene was when the little kid slaps Mr. Bean in the face. A lot. From a scale of 10 to 1 (10 being the best) I give it a 4.
There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile, and another f word changed to ph. Man, I'm getting good. Check out the Peverett Phile's Myspace page for brand new pics this week. Also, I still want to hit 3000 views by Christmas. So, spread the word, not the turd.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE
This next article is about a good friend of mine who used to work with me at Epcot about five years ago. Until recently we lost contact, and now I know why.
A St. Andrews Elementary School teacher is out on bond tonight, charged with trying to access pornography and engage in inappropriate conversations with a child through the Internet. Several law enforcement agencies, including the Federal Bureau of Investigations and the Georgia Bureau of Investigations and the Pooler Police Department searched the home of Joshua Evans in Pooler looking for evidence. They say they found what they were looking for and arrested the 25-year-old teacher.
Today, in federal court Evans was arraigned and then released on a $50,000 bond, but must remain on house arrest and cannot have access to the Internet or any contact with minors. Meanwhile across the county at St. Andrews school, administrators tell us they're in a state of shock. Headmaster EC Hubbard says all employees undergo a criminal background check and Evans had no prior history. "It's only logical the people we employ for our children are the people of good character and in my opinion, Mr. Evans was. We did an extensive criminal checks references and I personally make those calls," said Hubbard. Evans had been a music teacher at St. Andrews Elementary School for two years and the headmaster says in that period of time, none of the children were in danger. And after talking to the FBI, there's no evidence of inappropriate behavior conducted on school grounds. "While we can't understand, I believe that safe guards are sufficient that no sort of criminal conduct happened at school," said Hubbard. Hubbard says he's concerned about the school's reputation and that's why he sent a letter to all parents explaining what happened. "Our foremost concern is for the safety and welfare of our children and we take steps to ensure that safety," said Hubbard. Steps he says his administrators always take very seriously. At this point, none of the agencies involved in the Evans case are going into detail as to what led to his arrest. We should learn more when Evans makes his next court appearance which has not yet been set. Hubbard says Evans will not return to St. Andrews and the school is looking for a permanent replacement.
In the next entry I will have the follow up report.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
As the newbie of the group, Michelle Williams had a lot to prove when she joined Destiny's Child. The group's May 4, 2005 appearance on BET's '106 & Park' didn't help shed her weak-link status. During the first few seconds of DC's performance of 'Soldier,' Michelle slipped on stage and fell to the ground with a thud. Perhaps most embarrassing is that neither Kelly nor B stopped to help their fallen friend. To her credit, Michelle picked herself off, and kept on shaking while the cameras rolled, but it's an experience she'll never fully live down.
R.I.P.
Luciano Pavarotti: Pavarotting. There, it's done; that's out of the way, hope for something original.
Conservative leader the Rev. D. James Kennedy: If I'm Pat Robertson, I'm shitting bricks.
FLORIDA IS BASS ACKWARDS
POMPANO BEACH, Fla.-- A woman out for jog while listening to her iPod had her legs severed by a freight train because she may not have heard it coming, authorities said. Cheryl Ann Risse, 32, was recovering at a hospital Friday. Authorities did not know how she ended up in the path of the train Thursday morning, but rescue workers speculated she did not hear the locomotive coming because she was listening to her iPod. Risse often jogged across the tracks on her way to a nearby park, said Keyla Concepcion, spokeswoman for the Broward Sheriff's Office. The train engineer didn't know he had struck Risse until he returned along the same tracks minutes later, Concepcion said. A passing sheriff's deputy noticed her waving her arms. "My feet are on fire," she told Tony Long, a battalion chief for Pompano Beach Fire-Rescue, who responded to the scene. "Do you think you can put the fire out? They're really hurting." The woman was expected to survive.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1901
While shaking hands at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York, President William McKinley is shot twice in the abdomen at point-blank range with a .32 caliber revolver. He dies a week later. The assassin, an anarchist by the name of Leon Frank Czolgosz, actually is a lone gunman (for once).
1951
During a drinking party in Mexico City, author William S. Burroughs instructs his wife Joan to balance a glass of gin on her head. He then takes careful aim with his new .38 pistol, and unintentionally blows her brains out in front of their friends. The Mexican authorities later charge Burroughs with criminal imprudence.
1966
Parliamentary messenger Demetrios Tsafendas assassinates Prime Minister Hendrik Verwoerd, by sticking a knife in his chest on the floor of the South African legislature. The apartheid system had been Verwoerd's brainchild.
1986
In Istanbul, two Arab terrorists step inside the Neve Shalom synagogue on Buyuk Hendek Street during Sabbath services. They unload into the worshippers with submachine guns and grenades, killing 22 and wounding six. The incident is later attributed to Abu Nidal's terror organization.
NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS
LONDON, England-- British authorities ruled Wednesday that research using animal eggs to create human stem cells could go forward in principle. The Human Fertilization and Embryology Authority decided to allow the research, which involves placing human DNA into cow or rabbit eggs that have had their genetic material removed. According to the ruling, projects would be decided on a case-by-case basis, said Paula Woodward, a spokeswoman for the regulator. Experts have said such research, which is currently under way in the United States and China, is critical to unlocking treatments for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's and other genetic diseases. Scientists want to use animal eggs because the supply of human eggs is limited.
However, the research has raised ethical worries. The involvement of animals has caused concern among the public, while right-to-life advocates fear it could lead ultimately to genetically modified babies -- despite the fact that the studies being considered would only allow development of eggs for a few days. The research involves taking a cow or rabbit egg which no longer has its own DNA and injecting human genetic material. The egg is induced to divide, becoming a very early embryo from which stem cells could be extracted. Some experts questioned whether residual animal traces might contaminate human DNA, thus invalidating the stem cell experiments. Advocates of the research insist it would be a human embryo made in the shell of an animal egg, though a minute amount of animal genes remain. The resulting egg contains 13 animal genes compared with some 20,000-25,000 human genes.
Dr. David King, director of the independent watchdog group Human Genetics Alert, said allowing such research to go forward would be the first step toward producing genetically modified babies.
CANNED LAUGHTER
Q: Have you heard of ginkgo Viagra? A: Yeah, it helps you remember what the fuck you were thinking.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to pick up his wife's test results. When he gets there, the nurse at the counter tells him that there is a small problem. "We sent your wife's blood in with another Mrs. Smith and the two tests results got mixed up. Now we don't knowwhich test is your wife's and the results were bad and worse," she says. "Well, tell me the results for each test," he replies. "One test came back positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other came back positive for AIDS," the nurse says. "Oh my god…what am I going to do?" Mr. Smith asks. "Oh, don't worry, the doctor came up with an idea," the nurse replies reassuringly. "He said to drive your wife to the middle of town and drop her off there. If she remembers her way back home, don't fuck her."
RIDICULOUS BAND NAMES IN ROCK HISTORY
PORNO FOR PYROS: Former Jane's Addiction frontman Perry Farrell came up with the name while watching coverage of the LA riots on television. Presumably while jacking off. Why it's ridiculous: Pornography for pyromaniacs is, for all intents and purposes, regular pornography. Sure, there are maybe a few crazy people out there getting sexual pleasure from watching videos of people setting fires—but your garden variety pyromaniac isn't renting College Slut Matches & Gasoline Party VII. He's out burning down the neighborhood Costco. It turns out they just really like burning stuff.
DOCTOR WHO
Once again the fate of David Tennant's role as the Doctor on "Doctor Who" is in question. Earlier this year there were rumors that Tennant would not resume his role for the fourth series of the popular science fiction program. However, those rumors were quickly refuted. Now comes word directly from the BBC that the show will not be returning for a fifth series until 2010 (the fourth series premieres in 2008). It was postponed to allow Tennant to play Hamlet with the Royal Shakespeare Company late next year. A spokesperson for the show said it was too early to comment on whether or not Tennant would return for a fifth series. That doesn't mean you should be wailing uncontrollably and rending your clothing quite yet. To fill the gap Tennant will star in three "Doctor Who" specials, to air in 2009, that will be written by Russell T. Davies. In the meantime, another Christmas special, starring Kylie Minogue, will air at the end of this year. And, in the fourth series (BIT OF A SPOILER ALERT HERE) look for Catherine Tate to return as the Doctor's partner.
GEEK TALK
Now that the dust has finally settled from the summer movie season, it's time to kick back, relax and, well, gear up for next summer's blockbusters I guess. Tony Stark, a.k.a. Shell Head, a.k.a. The Golden Avenger, a.k.a. Iron Man is yet another Marvel Comics character getting the big-screen treatment, and that hotly-anticipated flick will be arriving in theaters via a nifty set of boot jets on May 2, 2008. Director Jon Favreau has posted on his Myspace page that the first teaser trailer will be playing on Monday 9/10 during several TV shows, although the most ardent of Iron Man fans will want to tune into MTV's The Hills that day because that's where the spot will air first. The teaser will show up in a bunch of places on Monday and Tuesday, including Comedy Central's "The Daily Show", "CSI" on Spike TV and "The Andy Griffith Show" on TVLand. Yeah, I did a double take on Andy Griffith too. Looks like their hitting some pretty diverse demographics. A high-res version will also be appearing on Apple.com/trailers Tuesday 9/11. Check out Favreau's Myspace for a more complete listing of shows carrying the promo. Apparently the teaser incorporates much of the footage that was shown at Comicon -- footage which, incidentally, can still be viewed via crappy cell phone video over on Youtube. Frankly, I'm surprised Paramount hasn't yanked it, but even in substandard video, the footage looks awesome, and it's all set to the Black Sabbath song 'Iron Man'. Nice. Can't wait to see the high-def version.
MOVIE BUZZ
Iron Man
In a video interview, Terrence Howard says the film about a superheroic arms manufacturer is actually anti-war. I just hope it tries to get its message of peace across with a lot of stuff getting blown up.
Saw IV
The official website's first teaser trailer is almost completely lacking in gore but features lots of people screaming while bathed in an eerie green tint. And, really, isn't the color of money more important than the color of blood at this point in the franchise?
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
A fan was able to take a ton of terrific backlot photos, including some massive outdoor sets in L.A. and inside shots of Egyptian statues. Know what would be a great gag for the film? Have Indy stumble across Han Solo frozen in carbonite hidden among the artifacts.
The Topkapi Affair
Angelina Jolie has just signed on to star alongside Pierce Brosnan in this sequel to The Thomas Crown Affair, which is an odd coincidence, because she was already planning to name her next adopted kid Topkapi.
Red State
Kevin Smith wrote on his blog that he finished his horror-movie script, claimed that it's "relentlessly bleak" and that he ate an entire container of chocolate-covered pretzels and a meatball sub after he finished. Apparently, the script is even bleaker than going to a Weight Watchers meeting.
Stopping Power
The plug has been pulled on that John Cusack action flick with the 51-minute nonstop chase scene. Guess they should've called it This Movie's Totally Awesome and Will Make $200 Mil.
The Mist
The trailer for the Stephen King adaptation has Thomas Jane and other supermarket shoppers being terrorized by giant insects. Dummies. The cans of Raid are on Aisle 12.
Captain Mike Across America
Michael Moore throws himself to the wolves by appearing at 2004 Bush/Cheney campaign stops in the promo photos. The way the crowds are calling for his blood, Moore kinda reminds me of a heavier version of Russell Crowe in Gladiator.
Almost Home
Hey, Jen, Jon Bon Jovi is producing a movie based on a kids' novel about homeless teens. He admits that he's taking a huge risk, but he's livin' on a prayer.
The Catch
Jim Belushi is making his feature directing debut and will also star in this real-life story about a 42-year-old who goes back to college to play football. If it were me, I'd sprain my knee during the first game and be content to hang out on the sidelines watching cheerleaders.
Mother of Tears
If you want to get good and grossed out, check out the grotesque trailer for Italian horror maestro Dario Argento's latest fright flick, which stars his daughter Asia fighting a bloodthirsty cult. Remind me to turn down my invite to their family Thanksgiving dinner.
And now, the review of
Mr. Bean's Holiday
Starring Who's in It: Rowan Atkinson, Willem Dafoe. Mr. Bean goes to France and gets involved in all sorts of wacky, near-silent, G-rated shenanigans. None of them are especially laugh-out-loud funny, unless the very sight of Atkinson making that dumbest-person-alive face makes you crack up all by itself. In a series of vignettes that would mostly be unrelated other than that they all happen to Mr. Bean, he dumps food in a lady's purse, he rides a bike really fast, he accidentally "kidnaps" a child, he winds up at the Cannes Film Festival and much more. Most film critics claim to be completely objective, but they're not. No one is. And so here's my confession: Mr. Bean has never succeeded in making me laugh. Because of this, when I see that he's in a movie, I assume that I won't laugh. And then I don't. So what I'm saying is that if you think Mr. Bean is the funniest character ever created in Western Civilization, then by all means, ignore this review. Kids will have a great time. Logan pretty much laughed all the way through. Little kids love it when people fall down, crash into things, spill food, etc. Slapstick was probably invented with children in mind. My favorite scene was when the little kid slaps Mr. Bean in the face. A lot. From a scale of 10 to 1 (10 being the best) I give it a 4.
There you have it, pholks, another entry of the Phile, and another f word changed to ph. Man, I'm getting good. Check out the Peverett Phile's Myspace page for brand new pics this week. Also, I still want to hit 3000 views by Christmas. So, spread the word, not the turd.
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