Oh, what I meant to say was Lindsay Lohan should be naked taking it from behind dancing on bars. Or something like that. Hello, Phans, I am back, this is the first real
entry done in our beautiful new house in the hills of Groveland, Florida. In the distance I could see the Citrus Tower, and an alligator filled lake across the street. We counted six alligators and that was just today. Disney announced that they’re banning smoking from all their movies. Which means they won’t be buying the scripts I wrote. I wrote a script for Disney called Smoke-ahontas. And another one, the follow-up, Cigarella. Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies; now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. To give you an idea of how fast summer has gone by, earlier today, Rosie O’Donnell reported to the Minnesota Vikings training camp. Not such a great time for England. They’ve had the worst flooding in 50 years. The water’s so high that Hogwarts was flooded and Harry Potter drowned. Soccer star David Beckham played his first soccer match on Saturday, as part of the L.A. soccer team. I think "played” is probably the wrong word. He was only on for 10 minutes. He was on for 10 minutes, took off his sweaty jockstrap, and went home. Exactly what I do here every Thurday night. Al Gore’s daughter got married last weekend. Al Gore’s no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting. Donald Trump is now selling his own line of chairs. These things are surprisingly comfortable. And I found out why: They’re upholstered with actual Donald Trump hair. Hairspray opened last week. In the movie, John Travolta plays a fat housewife named Edna Turnblad. They say John Travolta is so convincing as a fat woman, earlier today, he got a call from President Clinton. A Christian group that claims it can cure homosexuality is starting a program to help gay Broadway stars become straight. The program is called, "A Total Waste of Time.” Barry Bonds moved closer to breaking Hank Aaron’s homerun record by hitting two homeruns in one game. Everybody could tell Barry Bonds was going to hit two homeruns in one game because he had an icepack on both ass cheeks. Paris Hilton recently said everyone in her family is so proud of her because she accomplished so much so young. Paris said, "For instance, I single-handedly created the great condom shortage of 2006.” Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little teamwork, I think we can do it by the year 2010! A couple getting married on Friday night said they’re going to leave their wedding reception early so they can be among the first people to buy the Harry Potter book. They’re leaving their wedding early. As a result, the back of the newlyweds’ car will have a sign that says, "Just Losers.” MTV has just announced they are creating a cartoon series starring Paris Hilton. Not surprisingly, in the cartoon, Paris uses SpongeBob as a contraceptive. Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted for organizing pitbull fights at his house, and he’s in a lot of trouble. He could do six years in prison. Whatever happens, the one thing they’ve decided, "Who Let the Dogs Out” is definitely off the play list.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Few other acts have caused more controversy than Milli Vanilli -- and the drama all began with a record skip. In 1989, the German duo was on top of the world with a No. 1 debut album and a Best New Artist Grammy. But the dreadlocked "singers," Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, didn't actually sing a note on the album -- a fact that was revealed when the duo's backing track skipped during a performance on 1990's Club MTV Tour. They quickly became the world's most hated music act; fans publicly demolished their albums, and the duo was forced to return its Grammy.
R.I.P.
TAMMY FAYE MESSNER: Tammy Faye was cremated. Her makeup will be cremated in a separate ceremony later.
LADY BIRD JOHNSON: Yeah, I got a point on my death pool list!
TODAY IN HISTORY
1826
Schoolmaster Cayetano Ripoll is hanged in Valencia, after uttering his last words: "I die reconciled to God and to man." He is the last person executed by the Spanish Inquisition.
1947
The National Security Council is created.
1984
Serial killer and cannibal Ed Gein dies at the Mendota Mental Health Institute, a home for the criminally insane. Gein inspired the films Psycho and Silence of the Lambs.
1991
Actor Paul Reubens (aka "Pee-wee Herman") is arrested in Sarasota, Florida for jacking off twice with his left hand inside the South Trail XXX Cinema. It was screening the triple feature Catalina Five-O: Tiger Shark, Nancy Nurse, and Turn Up The Heat. Following his masturbatorial debut, Reubens loses his children's television show and product endorsements.
1998
Three spectators are killed by flying debris during the U.S. 500 race at Michigan Speedway. The debris resulted when the car driven by Adrian Fernandez impacted the wall of the raceway, flinging pieces of his suspension into the crowd. Tragically, Fernandez' knees are lightly bruised in the accident and he is unable to complete the race.
DOCTOR WHO
SMITH AND JONES: You can say what you like, but I won't be listening -- "Doctor Who" is one of the best, if not the best, television programmes of all time, and Russell T. Davies' current incarnation of the character and franchise is no exception. The return of series three was marked by several important milestones in the character's chronology (if a linear method of cataloging the Doctor's life can be described in traditional terms); the introduction of a new companion, the setup of plot and theme for the rest of the series, and the subtle hints at bigger things yet to come. If you thought Billie Piper was good as Rose Tyler, then Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones looks set to commit the memory of the Doctor's most recent companion to the distant past. Confident, intelligent and very beautiful; Agyeman captures the qualities necessary in a great companion and injects something new to the series in the shape of a female character fit for the Doctor's fanciful ways. Oh, and she even got to kiss him in one of her very early scenes. I don't think the plot of the opening episode was terribly significant, other than to introduce Martha to the backdrop of a London hospital being transported to the Moon while a bunch of intergalactic policemen searched for a renegade alien (a blood-sucking Plasmavore). As many viewers have already noted, the 'Vote Saxxon' posters which appeared all over the place in Torchwood have started showing up in "Doctor Who" (there was even a mention of Mr Saxxon on a radio news bulletin near the end of this episode). Mr Saxxon, is, of course, the politician character to be played by John Simm ("Life on Mars") in the finale to the current series. Rumors abound as to his true identity, The Master being a potential. Another significant development has set the rumour mill running, when the Doctor casually remarked when asked if he had a brother, replied: "not any more". I don't need to tell you that the Doctor helped to save the day, as ever -- but it's the way he does it which matters. And, as before, he persuaded Martha to join him on his never-ending journey through space in the TARDIS, with the now-immortal line "it also travels in time". THE SHAKESPEARE CODE: To be or not to be? That is the question. And so, the venerable Doctor and his new assistant Martha Jones arrived in London in the year 1599 to pay a visit to the Globe Theatre, where they would meet none other than Mr William Shakespeare. Of course, this was not the first time our hero had met The Bard, but it was certainly one of the most memorable.
The central theme this week focused on the so-called 'missing' Shakespeare play (entitled Love's Labour's Won in this episode), which formed part of the mystery for The Doctor and Martha to unwravel. The presence of three evil witches made the task all the more difficult, since their very existence -- and the future of their imprisoned species -- depended on play being read aloud in the specially-constructed Globe Theatre in order to release them from a sub-dimensional prison. Frightening in parts, witty and sharp (come on folks, it's Shakespeare -- who wouldn't have fun with it?) this was the perfect opportunity for Russell T. Davies and company to get us right back on the bandwagon and straight at the heart of the action. And, as I've said on numerous ocassions before, the best episodes of "Doctor Who" tend to be the ones set in the distant past. Certainly, they tend to be the episodes where the BBC excels; costumed drama, lavish sets and atention to detail. Where futuristic special effects often fail BBC dramas, the period piece often passes with flying colours, and Doctor Who can do both. It was interesting to notice the continuation of The Doctor's grief for the loss of Rose in this episode. Even though she isn't actually dead, it almost seems as if he has dipped into a dark phase of his existence, repeatedly comparing Martha's approach to a mystery to his former companion's in the way someone would with a departed loved one. I think this is going to come to a head at some point, as Martha grows tired of the comparisons. I have to say, I genuinely liked Rose. I liked Billie Piper too, but Freema Aygeman as Martha is a whole new ball game. She's witty, funny, strong and beautiful -- and if the writers are not careful, she could very quickly become the star of the show. Nah, scratch that last suggestion -- David Tennant is fast becoming one of the best Doctors in the history of the series, and it's going to be a tough task to follow up his take on the character, should he decide to leave. GRIDLOCK: It's still early stages in the new series of "Doctor Who", so it's understandable when the writers re-visit old story arcs, and introduce new viewers to old themes. It was like that this week, and whilst it wasn't a high-ranking episode in terms of story, it was still a good bit of fun. And, as with previous weeks in the recent series, when Martha learned something new about the enigmatic time-traveller, so did we. The most fascinating aspect of these recent episodes has had nothing to do with the plot, but the development of the Doctor's relationship with Martha, and the implications it could have on the future. In these early encounters, the Doctor merely appears to be showing off to Martha, demonstrating his ability to take her anywhere he chooses to fulfill her sense of wonder at the marvels of travelling in time and space.
This week, they jetted forward to New-New York, last seen in New Earth from the previous season. However, the city hadbeen transformed into a lower-level hell of flight-powered vehicles caught in a perpetual traffic jam, and when Martha was carjacked in order for two passengers to enter the so-called 'fast lane', the Doctor found himself in a race against time to rescue her. Key to this episode was The Face of Boe, and enigmatic giant head in a jar who has made appearances in previous episodes, with the promise of a secret to be revealed. It transpired that a virus had consumed the city many years before, and the Face of Boe had helped initiate a lock-down which protected as many of the citizens as possible in a make-believe underworld traffic jam, where they would drive for an eternity in the hope of reaching the real city. Having already lied to Martha about his home planet and his people still existing, the Doctor found himself with the much bigger task of not only rescuing his new assistant from almost certain death, but liberating the people of a lost city -- with the help of the Face. And before the Face died giving his last to free the people, he told the Doctor that he was not alone in the universe... Next week's episode promised the return of the Daleks (entitled Daleks in Manhattan), with a sneaky line from the Doctor to the effect of: "I lose everything, and they continue to survive."
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm really surprised "On The Lot" has made it this long without getting yanked. My suspicion is Fox doesn't quite have the guts to cancel a show produced by the venerable Steven Spielberg, but they're covertly doing everything in their power to get this stinker off the air. Hence, the double eliminations for the last two weeks. By my calculations, if we continue cutting two people a week, we'll only be subjected to four or five more episodes tops. I think this may be the first time I've ever consistently watched a show on a weekly basis while simultaneously wanting it to die. Yup, this show is definitely an anomaly, but in the worst kind of way. Let's hope the world is never subjected to a show about the movie-making process ever again. It just doesn't seem to work.
MOVIE BUZZ
Family Guy
Seth MacFarlane says he wants to make a film version of his cult TV hit as long as it's not "the Griffins must save the world," an obvious dis to The Simpsons Movie. If guys from both the shows come to blows, they should tape their pinkies down so they only punch with four fingers.
Cloverfield
Shaky camera phone images and the studio registering the domain TheMonstrousMovie.com seem to suggest Monstrous may be the official title. Meanwhile, in this shaky set video, hordes of people are seen running in terror in downtown L.A. — either from an unseen monster, or Lindsay Lohan got behind the wheel of her SUV again.
TheDarjeeling Limited
In the trailer for Wes Anderson's latest quirkfest, Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody and Jason Schwartzman are estranged brothers who take a train ride across India so they can rebond with each other. What? Going to a strip club isn't good enough for them?
Y: The Last Man
Disturbia's director, D.J. Caruso, has just signed on to direct this comic-book adaptation about the last man on Earth, who's pursued by hostile women. If that were me, I know the perfect hiding spot: in a comic-book store.
John Hancock
The other week we got to see photos of Will Smith as a flying hobo; now here he is being suspended on wires in a leather superhero outfit. I hear he took home the S&M-looking getup and made Jada a very happy woman in the bedroom.
Spawn 2
Writer/artist Todd McFarlane says a sequel/reboot of his 1997 comic-book adaptation has been rejected by several studios, so he's going to produce it himself. Plus, he says the titular superhero won't speak in the film, nor will he ever appear wearing his costume. I plan on seeing this. Nobody will see me sitting in the theater, but I'll be there. I swear.
The Silver Surfer
The Surfer's solo has picked up a director: Alex Proyas, who previously directed the dark superhero flick The Crow. This is great, because after Tim Story's sitcom-y approach in the FF sequel, the silvery dude is in desperate need of a good tarnishing.
Major Movie Star
Steve Guttenberg will co-star in Jessica Simpson's upcoming comedy about a spoiled actress who impulsively joins the Army. So, in 20 years he's gone from starring as a boob in a police uniform to acting alongside a pair of them in fatigues.
The Shinjuku Incident
This drama about Chinese immigrants living in Tokyo will most likely be Jackie Chan's first stuntless film. In a show of solidarity, Jackie's Rush Hour 3 co-star Chris Tucker says he's not going to be funny in his next movie. To which Jackie replied, "Wait, you were trying to be funny before?"
The Hottest State
The trailer for Ethan Hawke's directorial debut, for which he wrote the script based on his own novel and stars as an estranged Texan father. As if that wasn't enough, Hawke also sewed all the costumes, built the sets and cooked upa mean plate of BBQ for the catering.
Elizabeth: The Golden Age
How does one ensure that a sequel to a stuffy period film from almost a decade ago does really well at the box office? Float a story on the Internet that its Academy Award-winning star Cate Blanchett appears nude, that's how!
MOVIE BUZZ REVIEWS
Transformers
Starring Shia LaBeouf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel, Anthony Anderson, Megan Fox, Rachael Taylor, John Turturro, Jon Voight. If, like the hosts of the Today show ( I just watched them interview a sort of sheepish, worn-out Duhamel), you don't know that the Autobots are the good robots and the Decepticons are the bad ones, then you are old. I mean, I'm old, too. I was living in England when the Transformers first came out. Anyway, they fight — these giant robots. They fight a lot. And it's AWESOME. You will leave smiling like you were seven years old and just managed to throw your toys off a very high place, watching them smash into pieces on the ground. Michael "The Touch" Bay, bless his narratively deranged soul, somehow knew that he would be forgiven for tampering somewhat with the "mythology" if he simply made sure that things were constantly exploding and that robots never stopped fighting. So that's what happens. In fact — and this isn't a spoiler — the last 30 to 40 minutes of this long, loud movie (it's almost two and half hours) is all special effects and action. Just battles and blowing stuff up. Headache-prone parents, take note. They want this power cube. It's not that important to know really. They were pretty much just born to fight. And that senselessness is also kind of brilliant, because the film is based on a line of Gen Y 1980s toys that had no agenda but to transform and battle. Storylines followed later. And in keeping with that '80s feeling, it's very Reagan-y — gung-ho about stuff like war and the military. It would be annoying if it were even remotely about real life. But it ain't. Nerds, rejoice — well, at least rejoice over this one thing: They got the original voice of Optimus Prime, Peter Cullen, to come back and do it again. And I just learned that he's also the voice of Eeyore, which is kind of funny.
What about the humans? What about them? Their job is to react to stuff that's not really there, which I'm sure is hard for an actor. But whatever. More robots fighting!
Live Free Or Die Hard
Starring Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Maggie Q, Timothy Olyphant. Attention-starved tech terrorists (led by Olyphant, doing an imperious, bug-eyed cartoon-villain face) decide to shut down the entire economic and security structures of the United States, causing chaos every time they hit "Enter" on their keyboards. Willis, however, doesn't know much about computers, so he prefers to stop them by crashing a flying car into a helicopter. What I love most about this, and movies that steal from it, is that plausibility is dispensed with early on, and there's never such thing as Too Much when it comes to piling on the threat or destroying property. It's like, "Oh, I'm dangling over a pit of molten metal? And you're shooting at me with a machine gun while I dangle? Well, check this out: I just happen to be dangling in the exact spot where the secret lever that releases liquid nitrogen lives! Now it is you who are doomed!" That's what I came to see, and that's what I got, and now I'm happy. (No, that example isn't actually in the movie.) One beef: It's a limit-pushing PG-13. And you can tell if you look carefully, because they clearly shot an R-rated and then chopped out all the bullets to the head and did some sloppy voice rerecording to clean up all the F-bombs. And in any other movie that wouldn't matter so much, but this is a Die Hard movie. You can only truly die hard when something is rated R. Worst of all — and this does, in fact, count as a spoiler — there's no "Yippee-ki-yay, motherf----r." He says it, and it gets bleeped with noise. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A DIE HARD MOVIE AND CUT OFF THAT CHARACTER-ESTABLISHING WORD? Like you needed more evidence of studio greed and soullessness, but there it is anyway. Now you can bring your four-year-old to see it. Any attempt to frame it in a political way will fail, because it stomps all over both sides of the fence. It's from Fox, but the government is made to look foolish. It treats Long's greasy-hacker-who's-seen-Manufacturing Consent like a dope because, you know, the terrorists really are living next door, and we're all going to die. Later on, FEMA and Katrina are referenced. It throws all sorts of little signs at you (flag-waving TV news channel WGWB pops up), and then runs away laughing, kind of daring you to make more out of it than it wants you to. That's because it's really only about things getting blown up and destroyed.
There you go, Phans, another entry of the Phile at long last. Now I have to get of the computer so Logan can play Webkins. Until next Thursday, spread the word, not the turd.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Something Short
Hello, and welcome to the Phile. I have tons of stuff to catch up on, as there was no entry last week 'cause our move.
A few episodes of "On the Lot" to report, as well as "Big Brother" and "Doctor Who".
Then there's jokes, and Movie Buzz news, and a shit load of other stuff.
But, my office is not done yet, and I am typing this on the floor, indian style. It takes me a minimum of three hours to write the Phile, and I cannot sit like this all that time.
If I did, I would be stuck. I am not as young as I used to be. Hopefully by next Thursday my office will be done, and the desk will be made.
I will let you know when, okay? Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Jason
A few episodes of "On the Lot" to report, as well as "Big Brother" and "Doctor Who".
Then there's jokes, and Movie Buzz news, and a shit load of other stuff.
But, my office is not done yet, and I am typing this on the floor, indian style. It takes me a minimum of three hours to write the Phile, and I cannot sit like this all that time.
If I did, I would be stuck. I am not as young as I used to be. Hopefully by next Thursday my office will be done, and the desk will be made.
I will let you know when, okay? Until then, spread the word, not the turd. Jason
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I'd Rather Lick Chocolate Off Kelly Clarkson's Ass
Hello, there, kids, welcome to the Phile, the internet's most updated blog. I am your host, Slackformer. So, yesterday was Independence Day and I read the Declaration of Independence at the morning meeting at work yesterday. It was kinda ironic having a Brit reading it, you know. It would of been more ironic if a gay black Jew read it. Hot today in Minneola. Tell me if you don’t think this is odd: The UPS guy, today, asked me if I’d put sun lotion on his legs. It’s been a crazy week. Paris Hilton went on "Larry King.” Out of habit, Larry asked her for a divorce. Paris says she’s never going to drink and drive again. That’ll be something to see — Paris all tipsy riding the bus. Paris said she hated prison. There’s some insight. She said she had to eat mystery meat. I think I’ve actually seen video of her doing that. The iPhone came out this week. People were camping out all night in front of the store. These people are pathetic, really . . . oh come on — get a life. Especially the people behind me in line. They were noisy. Two movies opened this week, the cartoon Ratatouille, and Michael Moore’s Sicko. Two very different movies: One is about a big rat who’s obsessed with food, always getting into trouble, and the other one is Ratatouille. Another presidential debate. One of 90 scheduled before the election in November.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it. Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He’s writing a book about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing. The Spice Girls are getting back together! That’s great! Your enthusiasm is also phony! Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific. It could just be a Lions fan!
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Michael Jackson's career became too hot to handle on Jan. 27, 1984, when the superstar's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. During the sixth take of the now-infamous ad, Jacko was doused with a shower of pyrotechnic sparks, setting his hair ablaze. Jackson was taken to hospital where he was treated for second degree burns.
R.I.P.
Bill Pinkney: How many Drifters are there? 100? Well, now there's 99...
Will Schaefer: Wrote music for TV shows including "The Flintstones" and "I Dream of Jeannie". Reworked "It's a Small World" for the Disney ride (isn't there a circle in Hell reserved for people who do stuff like that?).
David Ritcheson: He found out he was surrounded by seamen.
Beverly Sills: Down and Out is Beverly Sills.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1946
Louis Reard's latest swimsuit creation, the two-piece Bikini, goes on sale in Paris.
1948
The body of 29-year-old actress Carole Landis is discovered in her home in Brentwood Heights, California. Landis, whose film career had recently stalled, overdosed on Seconal and left behind a suicide note addressed to her mother.
1963
The Catholic Church finally sanctions cremation as an acceptable means of remains disposal. (Code of Canon Law, Can. 1176)
1984
In deciding United States v. Leon, the Supreme Court permits "good faith" exceptions the exclusionary rule. Illegal evidence is now admissible if obtained by the police in "good faith." Justice William Brennan writes, "The Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Jason, did I miss the memo stating turn signals are now optional ? What the fuck is with people these days ? I just LOVE getting stuck behind some jerk off who couldn't tell me he was going to turn so I could go around him. And I SO enjoy getting stuck at an intersection where I dont want to make my turn thinking I'd get hit if I go out to far from some dickless mo-fo who couldnt tell everybody else he was turning and now I have to wait for traffic to clear coming both ways.
I think you and I BOTH missed that memo. There's nothing worse than sitting at an intersection waiting for some useless prick to figure out where the hell they want to go. Right? Left? Straight? Give me a fucking clue or you may end up with the shiny side down, if you know what I mean.
NUTTED BY REALITY
On "On the Lot" Adriana and Garry Marshall immediately let us know that David and his terrible sexual comedy were going home this week. Good riddance. I'm giving up on trying to make suggestions on ways to improve this stinker. Let's just get right to the movies. This week's guest judge was Eli Roth, writer and director of gorefests such as Cabin Fever and the Hostel movies.
GEEK TALK
In order for a live action Justice League movie to work, Superman and Batman would have to be included. And in order for fans to truly buy the flick, Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would need to fill those shoes. Not just because they're the best men for the job, but because that's who's currently playing the characters in other movies. But here's the big question: Would both men be interested in taking on the role in a different film, written by different people and directed, I assume, by someone who's not currently attached to either franchise? Well Brandon Routh already answered that question -- he'd be down. And seeing as Hollywood casting agencies aren't banging on his door, I imagine Routh would be game for just about anything Superman related at this point. But what about Bale? He's obviously a much more sought-after actor -- who's also probably contracted for a certain amount of films (3?) -- so would he be down with a crossover flick? IGN attempted to ask Bale that question while he was out promoting Rescue Dawn, his latest film. His answer: "It's like I was saying to Chris [Nolan] -- I'll be probably doing this in dinner theater somewhere in my 50s, so I won't knock it. Because who knows where I'll end up?" Great, thanks for the unbelievably vague answer Christian! I guess if you're in favor of a Justice League movie, then Bale's optimism should make you feel a tad more comfortable about his participation. Then again, if they're planning to shoot a JLA flick next year, will that automatically delay work on a third Batman film? And if Bale is contracted for three films, will he do what will essentially be his fourth Batman-related flick with Nolan?
To answer that question, Bale recently told the "Star Ledger" that he would be interested in reprising the character for a third film with Nolan. He says: "The script leaves room for a very interesting follow-up, too. I think we could take it somewhere else." Hmm, does that mean Nolan will end with Harvey Dent being splashed with acid? Will he tease his Two Face transformation? Is that what Bale was alluding to? As far as when we'll see some actual footage from the current flick, The Dark Knight, Dark Horizons reports Warner Bros. has confirmed that no Dark Knight footage will be shown later this month at ComicCon, as previously rumored. Why? Well, there's simply not enough done yet. However, they do report that Wizard World Chicago -- taking place just a few weeks later -- might be previewing something. So stay tuned, we'll let you know what we hear.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Avengers
Screenwriter Zak Penn says he needs to take "a break" from his other superhero movie project (The Incredible Hulk) before he begins tackling this one.
Captain America
Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige says he's got a writer working on the script, is also looking for a director and hopes to get production going within the next year.
Constantine 2
After saying for years he'd never do another sequel, Keanu Reeves suddenly seemed open to the idea late last year. Rachel Weisz and Shia LaBeouf are set to co-star — however, there hasn't been any official announcement of the film actually going into production.
The Dark Knight
Christian Bale is back, Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes, Aaron Eckhart is Two-Face — and Heath Ledger may just be the creepiest Joker ever! Director Christopher Nolan can rest assured that his Batman Begins resurrection is a success.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hot off of one of the most acclaimed films of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro is expected to bring in an over-the-top action/fantasy adventure that's sure to top his more modest original.
The Incredible Hulk
Edward Norton seems like an odd choice to take over the lead in a sequel, but the key to the Hulk's enduring success is his tortured human side, tortured being something Norton's really good at playing. Other casting notes: Liv Tyler as love interest Betty Brant, Tim Roth as gamma-ified enemy the Abomination and William Hurt as General Thunderbolt Ross.
Iron Man
Though based on only a third-tier Marvel superhero at best, this film has garnered huge buzz and speculation thanks to its A-list cast and former Swingers leading man turned director Jon Favreau.
Justice League
Reportedly, the first draft of the script by husband/wife writing team Kieran and Michele Mulroney is so strong that Warner Bros. is already looking for a director. It's also unknown that with The Man of Steel, The Dark Knight and Wonder Woman still quite a ways from showing up on the big screen if DC's three biggest heroes would even show up in this team-up movie.
Magneto
Since this will be a tale of a young master of magnetism, it's unknown if Sir Ian McKellen will appear at all. Plus, this will probably go into production after the Wolverine spinoff (more on that later). So, it's probably quite a few years off.
Shazam!
Still in the early planning stages, a rumor of Jake Gyllenhaal taking the lead turned out to be just that. Writer John August (Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has claimed to want to be faithful to the old source material, but that might be tricky, since the good Captain, who made his debut in 1939, was such an obvious rip-off of Superman.
The Silver Surfer
Fox is already so gung-ho on this supporting character — and with an impressive $57 mil. opening weekend, who wouldn't be? — that they've commissioned a script for a solo film by cult TV ("Babylon 5") and comic (The Amazing Spider-Man) writer J. Michael Straczynski.
Sin City 2
Allegedly waiting for Angelina Jolie's schedule to open up caused delays in this project's production. Whether that's true or not, Rachel Weisz is now rumored to have taken over Jolie's role. Johnny Depp is also rumored to be joining up.
Spider-Man 4
The principles involved with the first three films — Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi — are all being coy: They'll only make another sequel if they all come back for it. (Read: Will Sony cough up the cash for all of them again?) Rumors of Jake Gyllenhaal taking over from Maguire abound, but that guy's rumored for just about every future superhero movie.
The Spirit
Frank Miller (again!) makes his directing debut with this update of the classic comic character created by Will Eisner. His first choice to play super-villain Octopus? Bad mo'fo Samuel L. Jackson.
Superman: The Man of Steel
Although Superman Returns was generally considered a letdown, director Bryan Singer claims the sequel will have much more action. Rumors abound that Orlando Bloom will have a role, possibly that of General Zod from the original Superman II.
Super Max
David Goyer (Blade: Trinity, The Invisible) is attached to direct; no screenplay yet.
Teen Titans
Already an animated hit on Cartoon Network, the Titans go live action with movie/TV/comic writer Mark Verheiden (The Mask) already working on the script.
Thor
With the release of Stardust still looming on the horizon, director Matthew Vaughn is already angling for his next comics-to-film project.
The Watchmen
Widely considered the greatest superhero graphic novel ever written, Watchmen has had a rocky road to the movies. Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm) and Paul Greengrass (United 93) were both given green, then red, lights for the project at different times, but after 300 became a phenomenon, Zack Snyder became the obvious choice to helm. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Chris Evans are signed on to star.
Wolverine
Marvel producers say this will be the next "official" picture in the X-Men franchise, rather than another sequel with multiple mutants. Hugh Jackman is back, of course, and both Tyler Mane and Vinnie Jones insist they will return as villains (Sabretooth and Juggernaut respectively), but that's probably just both of them lobbying for acting gigs.
Wonder Woman
Despite working on a script for years, Joss Whedon famously walked off the project earlier this year, citing creative differences with producer Joel Silver. No new writer and/or director has been announced yet, and just about every hot young actress in Hollywood has claimed to want the starring part.
And now for the review of Ratatouille. Featuring the voices of Patton Oswalt, Peter O' Toole, Janeane Garofalo, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett. A fastidiously clean French rat who loves to cook turns a newbie chef into his own personal marionette (sitting under the kid's tall white hat, he magically controls the secretly awful cook's hands by yanking on locks of hair … look, it's a cartoon; you just accept that this can happen) and turns around the fortunes of a formerly fancy restaurant while simultaneously thwarting the greedy goals of a hack chef whose evil agenda is to make a lot of money off a line of frozen foods. I'm really hoping this makes a ton of money and sparks a trend of mainstream animated features that rely more on plot and character than on by-the-numbers cartoonisms, because it's that different from what you've seen before in a movie that's ostensibly aimed at kids. Not that it's not fast-paced and kid-friendly. But it's also so fantastically strong that there are entire sequences where going for the easy laugh or the quick plot turn is something you could tell was just not on the minds of the filmmakers. You notice stuff like that when you've had to sit through crap like Surf's Up. The pots and pans looked real. In fact, just about every object in the kitchen scenes is almost mind-trickingly, photographically true. And yet still cartoony, if that makes sense. Like to the point where I was imagining it also being made as a live-action feature by Jeunet and Caro (City of Lost Children, Amélie). Very little kids might get restless. At the screening I went to, there were, as usual, hordes of screaming children. The under-fours seemed a little noncomprehending. But then again, that could have been a result of the 110-minute running time. And Wolfgang Puck should be offended, although his frozen pizza is not so horrible. That canned soup of his, though, is pretty gross. From one to 10, it gets a 9.
Whew! There you have it, another entry of the Phile. Now, here's the sitch, and no crying. The Phile won't be updated next week as we will be in the middle of getting our new house situated. But the Phile will be back the week after that. In the meantime, go to P.F. Chang's for some lettuce wraps and spread the word, not the turd. Later.
Democrats gathered at Howard University in Washington, D.C. Joe Biden talked about AIDS in the community. He’s against it. Donald Rumsfeld back in the news. He’s writing a book about his experiences as secretary of Defense. Apparently, he has no problem starting a book, he just has no idea how to end the damn thing. The Spice Girls are getting back together! That’s great! Your enthusiasm is also phony! Big Foot is on the loose. A group of scientists say they’ve seen Big Foot in rural Michigan. They’re launching an expedition to go and find him. I mean no disrespect, but if you’re looking, in Michigan, for a giant person covered in thick hair, you’re going to have to be more specific. It could just be a Lions fan!
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Michael Jackson's career became too hot to handle on Jan. 27, 1984, when the superstar's hair caught fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial. During the sixth take of the now-infamous ad, Jacko was doused with a shower of pyrotechnic sparks, setting his hair ablaze. Jackson was taken to hospital where he was treated for second degree burns.
R.I.P.
Bill Pinkney: How many Drifters are there? 100? Well, now there's 99...
Will Schaefer: Wrote music for TV shows including "The Flintstones" and "I Dream of Jeannie". Reworked "It's a Small World" for the Disney ride (isn't there a circle in Hell reserved for people who do stuff like that?).
David Ritcheson: He found out he was surrounded by seamen.
Beverly Sills: Down and Out is Beverly Sills.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1946
Louis Reard's latest swimsuit creation, the two-piece Bikini, goes on sale in Paris.
1948
The body of 29-year-old actress Carole Landis is discovered in her home in Brentwood Heights, California. Landis, whose film career had recently stalled, overdosed on Seconal and left behind a suicide note addressed to her mother.
1963
The Catholic Church finally sanctions cremation as an acceptable means of remains disposal. (Code of Canon Law, Can. 1176)
1984
In deciding United States v. Leon, the Supreme Court permits "good faith" exceptions the exclusionary rule. Illegal evidence is now admissible if obtained by the police in "good faith." Justice William Brennan writes, "The Court's victory over the Fourth Amendment is complete."
ASK PEVERETT
Go ahead. Ask me. You need advice? You need a hot stock tip? You just want to get in my head? Just ask. I'll give you an answer. I'm like one of those weird 8-ball floaty things.
Jason, did I miss the memo stating turn signals are now optional ? What the fuck is with people these days ? I just LOVE getting stuck behind some jerk off who couldn't tell me he was going to turn so I could go around him. And I SO enjoy getting stuck at an intersection where I dont want to make my turn thinking I'd get hit if I go out to far from some dickless mo-fo who couldnt tell everybody else he was turning and now I have to wait for traffic to clear coming both ways.
I think you and I BOTH missed that memo. There's nothing worse than sitting at an intersection waiting for some useless prick to figure out where the hell they want to go. Right? Left? Straight? Give me a fucking clue or you may end up with the shiny side down, if you know what I mean.
NUTTED BY REALITY
On "On the Lot" Adriana and Garry Marshall immediately let us know that David and his terrible sexual comedy were going home this week. Good riddance. I'm giving up on trying to make suggestions on ways to improve this stinker. Let's just get right to the movies. This week's guest judge was Eli Roth, writer and director of gorefests such as Cabin Fever and the Hostel movies.
GEEK TALK
In order for a live action Justice League movie to work, Superman and Batman would have to be included. And in order for fans to truly buy the flick, Christian Bale and Brandon Routh would need to fill those shoes. Not just because they're the best men for the job, but because that's who's currently playing the characters in other movies. But here's the big question: Would both men be interested in taking on the role in a different film, written by different people and directed, I assume, by someone who's not currently attached to either franchise? Well Brandon Routh already answered that question -- he'd be down. And seeing as Hollywood casting agencies aren't banging on his door, I imagine Routh would be game for just about anything Superman related at this point. But what about Bale? He's obviously a much more sought-after actor -- who's also probably contracted for a certain amount of films (3?) -- so would he be down with a crossover flick? IGN attempted to ask Bale that question while he was out promoting Rescue Dawn, his latest film. His answer: "It's like I was saying to Chris [Nolan] -- I'll be probably doing this in dinner theater somewhere in my 50s, so I won't knock it. Because who knows where I'll end up?" Great, thanks for the unbelievably vague answer Christian! I guess if you're in favor of a Justice League movie, then Bale's optimism should make you feel a tad more comfortable about his participation. Then again, if they're planning to shoot a JLA flick next year, will that automatically delay work on a third Batman film? And if Bale is contracted for three films, will he do what will essentially be his fourth Batman-related flick with Nolan?
To answer that question, Bale recently told the "Star Ledger" that he would be interested in reprising the character for a third film with Nolan. He says: "The script leaves room for a very interesting follow-up, too. I think we could take it somewhere else." Hmm, does that mean Nolan will end with Harvey Dent being splashed with acid? Will he tease his Two Face transformation? Is that what Bale was alluding to? As far as when we'll see some actual footage from the current flick, The Dark Knight, Dark Horizons reports Warner Bros. has confirmed that no Dark Knight footage will be shown later this month at ComicCon, as previously rumored. Why? Well, there's simply not enough done yet. However, they do report that Wizard World Chicago -- taking place just a few weeks later -- might be previewing something. So stay tuned, we'll let you know what we hear.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Avengers
Screenwriter Zak Penn says he needs to take "a break" from his other superhero movie project (The Incredible Hulk) before he begins tackling this one.
Captain America
Marvel Studios President of Production Kevin Feige says he's got a writer working on the script, is also looking for a director and hopes to get production going within the next year.
Constantine 2
After saying for years he'd never do another sequel, Keanu Reeves suddenly seemed open to the idea late last year. Rachel Weisz and Shia LaBeouf are set to co-star — however, there hasn't been any official announcement of the film actually going into production.
The Dark Knight
Christian Bale is back, Maggie Gyllenhaal is the new Katie Holmes, Aaron Eckhart is Two-Face — and Heath Ledger may just be the creepiest Joker ever! Director Christopher Nolan can rest assured that his Batman Begins resurrection is a success.
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
Hot off of one of the most acclaimed films of 2006, Pan's Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro is expected to bring in an over-the-top action/fantasy adventure that's sure to top his more modest original.
The Incredible Hulk
Edward Norton seems like an odd choice to take over the lead in a sequel, but the key to the Hulk's enduring success is his tortured human side, tortured being something Norton's really good at playing. Other casting notes: Liv Tyler as love interest Betty Brant, Tim Roth as gamma-ified enemy the Abomination and William Hurt as General Thunderbolt Ross.
Iron Man
Though based on only a third-tier Marvel superhero at best, this film has garnered huge buzz and speculation thanks to its A-list cast and former Swingers leading man turned director Jon Favreau.
Justice League
Reportedly, the first draft of the script by husband/wife writing team Kieran and Michele Mulroney is so strong that Warner Bros. is already looking for a director. It's also unknown that with The Man of Steel, The Dark Knight and Wonder Woman still quite a ways from showing up on the big screen if DC's three biggest heroes would even show up in this team-up movie.
Magneto
Since this will be a tale of a young master of magnetism, it's unknown if Sir Ian McKellen will appear at all. Plus, this will probably go into production after the Wolverine spinoff (more on that later). So, it's probably quite a few years off.
Shazam!
Still in the early planning stages, a rumor of Jake Gyllenhaal taking the lead turned out to be just that. Writer John August (Corpse Bride, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) has claimed to want to be faithful to the old source material, but that might be tricky, since the good Captain, who made his debut in 1939, was such an obvious rip-off of Superman.
The Silver Surfer
Fox is already so gung-ho on this supporting character — and with an impressive $57 mil. opening weekend, who wouldn't be? — that they've commissioned a script for a solo film by cult TV ("Babylon 5") and comic (The Amazing Spider-Man) writer J. Michael Straczynski.
Sin City 2
Allegedly waiting for Angelina Jolie's schedule to open up caused delays in this project's production. Whether that's true or not, Rachel Weisz is now rumored to have taken over Jolie's role. Johnny Depp is also rumored to be joining up.
Spider-Man 4
The principles involved with the first three films — Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst and director Sam Raimi — are all being coy: They'll only make another sequel if they all come back for it. (Read: Will Sony cough up the cash for all of them again?) Rumors of Jake Gyllenhaal taking over from Maguire abound, but that guy's rumored for just about every future superhero movie.
The Spirit
Frank Miller (again!) makes his directing debut with this update of the classic comic character created by Will Eisner. His first choice to play super-villain Octopus? Bad mo'fo Samuel L. Jackson.
Superman: The Man of Steel
Although Superman Returns was generally considered a letdown, director Bryan Singer claims the sequel will have much more action. Rumors abound that Orlando Bloom will have a role, possibly that of General Zod from the original Superman II.
Super Max
David Goyer (Blade: Trinity, The Invisible) is attached to direct; no screenplay yet.
Teen Titans
Already an animated hit on Cartoon Network, the Titans go live action with movie/TV/comic writer Mark Verheiden (The Mask) already working on the script.
Thor
With the release of Stardust still looming on the horizon, director Matthew Vaughn is already angling for his next comics-to-film project.
The Watchmen
Widely considered the greatest superhero graphic novel ever written, Watchmen has had a rocky road to the movies. Terry Gilliam (The Brothers Grimm) and Paul Greengrass (United 93) were both given green, then red, lights for the project at different times, but after 300 became a phenomenon, Zack Snyder became the obvious choice to helm. Keanu Reeves, Forest Whitaker, Hugh Laurie and Chris Evans are signed on to star.
Wolverine
Marvel producers say this will be the next "official" picture in the X-Men franchise, rather than another sequel with multiple mutants. Hugh Jackman is back, of course, and both Tyler Mane and Vinnie Jones insist they will return as villains (Sabretooth and Juggernaut respectively), but that's probably just both of them lobbying for acting gigs.
Wonder Woman
Despite working on a script for years, Joss Whedon famously walked off the project earlier this year, citing creative differences with producer Joel Silver. No new writer and/or director has been announced yet, and just about every hot young actress in Hollywood has claimed to want the starring part.
And now for the review of Ratatouille. Featuring the voices of Patton Oswalt, Peter O' Toole, Janeane Garofalo, Brad Garrett, Will Arnett. A fastidiously clean French rat who loves to cook turns a newbie chef into his own personal marionette (sitting under the kid's tall white hat, he magically controls the secretly awful cook's hands by yanking on locks of hair … look, it's a cartoon; you just accept that this can happen) and turns around the fortunes of a formerly fancy restaurant while simultaneously thwarting the greedy goals of a hack chef whose evil agenda is to make a lot of money off a line of frozen foods. I'm really hoping this makes a ton of money and sparks a trend of mainstream animated features that rely more on plot and character than on by-the-numbers cartoonisms, because it's that different from what you've seen before in a movie that's ostensibly aimed at kids. Not that it's not fast-paced and kid-friendly. But it's also so fantastically strong that there are entire sequences where going for the easy laugh or the quick plot turn is something you could tell was just not on the minds of the filmmakers. You notice stuff like that when you've had to sit through crap like Surf's Up. The pots and pans looked real. In fact, just about every object in the kitchen scenes is almost mind-trickingly, photographically true. And yet still cartoony, if that makes sense. Like to the point where I was imagining it also being made as a live-action feature by Jeunet and Caro (City of Lost Children, Amélie). Very little kids might get restless. At the screening I went to, there were, as usual, hordes of screaming children. The under-fours seemed a little noncomprehending. But then again, that could have been a result of the 110-minute running time. And Wolfgang Puck should be offended, although his frozen pizza is not so horrible. That canned soup of his, though, is pretty gross. From one to 10, it gets a 9.
Whew! There you have it, another entry of the Phile. Now, here's the sitch, and no crying. The Phile won't be updated next week as we will be in the middle of getting our new house situated. But the Phile will be back the week after that. In the meantime, go to P.F. Chang's for some lettuce wraps and spread the word, not the turd. Later.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
You Will Get Wet On This Blog
Hello, welcome to the Peverett Phile, the internet's most updated blog. I am your host Slackertoee. So, this afternoon I had an interview for a new job at Disney. It's an office job where I get to sit on my ass and type on a computer all day. If that's not a job with my name on it, what is? It’s so hot today, Britney Spears said that if she wore underpants, today she wouldn’t wear them. Thank God Paris Hilton is out of prison. Yesterday at Paris’ compound, she had a hair stylist come to the house to add hair extensions. First day out of prison — hair extensions. Ladies and gentlemen — it’s like I have a twin. Now Paris has to do community service. Man — wait a minute. Community service? You’re telling me an Internet sex video is not community service? Paris Hilton spoke to Larry King. Larry seemed almost bored. He asked what was the mystery medical illness. She said it was claustrophobia. You mean to tell she had claustrophobia and they kept her in jail? What kind of barbaric society is this? Maybe she meant chlamydia. I don’t know.
Independence Day is next week. It falls on July 4 this year. One of the things I love, is the fireworks safety videos. It’s that time of year again where we blow up mannequins. So if you’re a mannequin, be very careful this year. Saddam Hussein’s buddy Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death. I feel bad for his wife, Chemical Shirley. Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They’ve asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don’t want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, "Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead.” Yankees’ Jason Giambi has told Major League Baseball he will testify about his own steroid use, but he will not mention the names of any other players. Instead he said he’s going to talk about someone whose name rhymes with Harry Honds. They’re going to reveal President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they’re just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens. This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze. Last week was the 2007 Ugliest Dog competition. It’s a real contest. I’m not making it up. Back in 1992 my girlfriend at the time won.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Oct. 25, 2004 was probably the worst Saturday night of Ashlee Simpson's life. The singer, who was making her debut appearance on "Saturday Night Live," was caught lip-synching when the vocals for the wrong song came through the speakers at a time when the microphone was nowhere near Ashlee's mouth. The vocal was quickly silenced, and Ashlee did a nervous jig onstage before sulking off. She later blamed her lip-synching on a bout of acid reflux, but was ridiculed for months after the event anyway.
R.I.P.
Chris Benoit: Makes ya wonder how many people Barry Bonds has strangled or smothered.
Liz Claiborne: This season from Liz Claiborne. Black.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1905
Dr. Beaurieux picks up the freshly-severed head of Henri Languille just after it drops into the guillotine basket and shouts the man's name three times. According to the doctor's report: "Languille's eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves. ... I was dealing with undeniably living eyes which were looking at me."
1914
During a parade in Sarajevo, Nedjelko Cabrinovic tosses a grenade into the automobile carrying Archduke Franz Ferdinand and wife Sofia. But Ferdinand knocks the bomb away with his arm and his driver speeds away from the would-be assassin. A short while later, during the return drive, Gavrilo Princip pulls out an automatic pistol and kills both Ferdinand and his pregnant wife. Five weeks later, the continent of Europe erupts into World War I.
1969
The three-day Stonewall Riots, triggered by the police raid of a New York City gay bar, begin the gay rights movement.
1997
Mike Tyson is disqualified from a championship boxing bout after biting off a large portion of Evander Holyfield's ear. Tyson is later banned from boxing and fined $3 million for the incident. Tastes like chicken. <incidentally, my dad was in Vegas when that whole thing went down.>
PICK UP LINES
Your body must be a Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be named McGorgeous.
Didn't we go to different schools together?
I hear your body is made up of 75% water, and man, am I thirsty!
God was showing off when he made you.
Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
Hi, are you here to meet a nice guy, or will I do?
You must be a parking ticket, because you have fine written all over you.
Excuse me, do you have a neck brace? I think I injured myself when I fell for you.
Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.
Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out.
You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.
Baby, you're so sweet, you could put Hershey's out of business. And speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
I don't think a firefighter could put you out.
Do you know karate, because your body is kickin’.
I think we should be lab partners because you and I have chemistry.
I don't know if it's igneous or metamorphic, but baby, you rock.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to go out with me?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
If you're here, who's running heaven?
SHARPENING AXES
Aulophobia is the fear of flutes. The longest confirmed lifespan on record was that of Jeanne Louise Calment of France. She died in 1997 aged 122 years, 164 days. Email, in French, translates as "enamel." The oldest military unit is the Vatican's Swiss Guard. It dates back to January 21, 1506. American and Russian space flights have always included chocolate. The German phrase, "Sieg Heil," means "Hail to victory."
The average cup of coffeecontains more than 1,000 different chemical components.
Catwoman's real name is Selina Kyle. It is estimated that there are more than 169,518,829,100,544,000,000,000,000,000 ways to play the first 10 moves in chess.
George Michael's real name is George Panayiotou. The "Dull Men's Hall of Fame" is located in Carroll, Wisconsin. If you were to take a taxicab from New York City to Los Angeles, it would cost you $8,325. Tipping in restaurants in Iceland is considered insulting. Wyoming was the first state to give women the right to vote in 1869. About 20,000 elephants are killed by poachers every year. About 55 of all U.S. prisoners are in prison for drug offenses. Helvetica, the name of the popular font, derived from Helvitia, the Latin name for Switzerland. If humans could run as fast as a cockroach, we'd reach speeds of more than 300 m.p.h. One side of the Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men frolicking. The bloodiest battle in history was the Battle of Stalingrad, 1942-1943. More than 1.5 million people died.
NUTTED BY REALITY
I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, "On The Lot" underwent a few more tweaks this week. To begin with, thanks to a somewhat revealing outfit, the studio audience was mere millimeters away from finding out what exactly resided on Adriana Costa's lot. I'm pretty sure Garry Marshall would have had a heart attack had this actually occurred. In addition, just a few minutes into the show, Adriana and Garry met with the directors during one of those behind-the-scenes sequences (that they don't utilize enough), and sent Jessica packing for the travesty of a film she submitted last week. I sure hope the show sticks to this method of crushing people's dreams because it's a lot less messy and a lot more concise. I think the producers finally figured out that this isn't "American Idol" and I'm relieved. A few other changes of note: Six directors showed films tonight instead of four directors showing slightly longer films like I expected. The directors also had a set genre this go around, which was a throwback to what they did earlier inthe competition. Finally, the directors who weren't filming this week showed up at the sets of the directors who were filming and offered some mostly forgettable commentary. I think that about covers all the tweaks. Tonight's guest judge was Mark Waters, director of Mean Girls, Freaky Friday, and Just Like Heaven.
HEROES
First they saved the cheerleader, now they've given her a boyfriend. Nick D'Agosto will join NBC's "Heroes" this fall as West, Claire's boyfriend. The show says he will have a "cool" super power. I don't know if that means the super power is interesting and neat, or if he can turn himself into a giant ice cube tray and make ice cubes for when the other heroes are hot and thirsty from fighting the bad guys. D'Agosto has guest starred on several TV shows, including "House", "ER", "Cold Case", "Six Feet Under", "Big Day", "Without A Trace", and "Boston Public". I guess this means that we won't be seeing the gay/not gay Zach back on the show as Claire's boyfriend. He's too busy on another show anyway.
GEEK TALK
As much as we planned and waited for a wham-bam spider-action trilogy with Sam Raimi's Spider-Man franchise, it started to become inevitable that three wouldn't be enough. The films bring in way too much money for the studio to wipe their hands, say "that was fun" and head to the horizon. Of course, there's been all sorts of talk about the three musketeers -- Raimi, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst -- and how none wants to be involved if the others aren't. "It would be really hard for me to make a movie without Tobey and Kirsten playing the two leads," Raimi stated, hopefully meaning just in the Spidey universe, and not in general. Yet, he's still looking forward and scheming up sequels, which may have him at the helm, or not. As Raimi sees the next installment, according to MTV: "I would love to see Electro, Vulture, maybe the Sinister Six as a team." Now, I'm completely Spidey-dumb beyond the originals, but luckily, the Internet provides quick geek research. The original Sinister Six was a collection of supervillains brought together by Doc Ock to bring Spider-Man down. He collected: the Vulture, Electro, Kraven the Hunter, Mysterio and Sandman. So, that means bringing two of the villains back for more, and adding a tonof new ones as well. (Or, any one of the other incarnates of the group.) And that, frankly, seems a bit rash. After all of the feedback saying that 3 villains was a bit much for one film, he wants to double it? Maybe in a few films, after introducing the other evil characters, but why the over-kill? But that's not all - Raimi is also anxious to see Dr. Curt Connors get his time as The Lizard: "I love Dylan Baker as a person, and I really like the character he is developing." So, that means dipping into The Sinister Twelve. Oh, the villains never end.
MOVIE BUZZ
Playboy
Brett Ratner has just signed on to direct a biopic of Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner. Since I'm one of those "articles only" guys, I plan on watching the film's scenes of insightful social and political commentary and checking out any celebrity appearances but will close my eyes during the nudity.
Spider-Man 4
Sam Raimi has finally spoken out, saying he wants the Vulture and Electro as the villains in the next film and that he sincerely hopes Sony asks him first to direct it. I don't know, the first three were such horrible bombs, I can't imagine they'd do that.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
"Entertainment Weekly" has posted a script page from Kevin Smith's upcoming comedy. Surprisingly, it's very tasteful and romantic. Nah, just kidding. It's so crude the magazine had to edit out the naughty bits. Of course, left in some dialogue about a Rosie O'Donnell sex tape, so now we gotta live with that image in our heads …
Lions for Lambs
In the first look at the Robert Redford-directed political drama, Tom Cruise gets tough on the War on Terror. His target: Meryl Streep. I know when I think of terror, I think of The Devil Wears Prada.
Valkyrie
Meanwhile, Germany has started a War on Tom Cruise, banning the actor from filming his WWII thriller — about a plot to assassinate Hitler in that country — because of his beliefs in Scientology. Hmmm … Germany? Intolerance for a religion? There's some sort of irony going on here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
Paramount has released a video of the first day of shooting, where Spielberg toasts his crew and films some cars driving down a desert road. Missing from the piece: star Harrison Ford. It was nap time.
Stuck
In the creepy trailer, Mena Suvari hits Stephen Rea with her car and leaves him to die in her windshield. But what's really sick? It's based on a true story. And no, Paris Hilton was nowhere in sight.
Star Trek 11
An interview with the sequel's screenwriters confirms that it will focus on the "earliest adventures" of Spock and Kirk. Apparently, the first scene is of the futuristic duo sharpening their crayons to the stun position and figuring out if either the Klingons or the Romulans have poisoned the milk supply of the Enterprise Day Care Center.
Where the Wild Things Are
The first image from the Spike Jonze film shows giant hairy monsters running through the woods. Either that or it's a picture from the world's most disturbing nudist colony.
The Lost Girls
MTV Films is going to produce this adaptation of the teen novel Bad Girls (with a slight title change), which was published by MTV Books. When asked if the MTV cable channel would show music videos from the film's soundtrack, they replied, "Nah, we don't show those anymore."
The Water Horse
In the trailer, a young boy raises the Loch Ness Monster as a pet. Jeez, kids today. When I was a lad, you went down to the water, found a frog, kept him in a jar with holes poked in the lid, and you were happy with that.
There you have it, Phans, another entry of the Phile. Now, next Thursday I should be posting another entry of the Phile, but my mother-in-law will be in town staying with us, so I might end up playing dominoes instead. The week after that we will be moving, so I really doubt I will have the computer set up, but we'll see. In the meantime, go to Friendly's and have a banana split. Man, those are good. Spread the word, not the turd.
Independence Day is next week. It falls on July 4 this year. One of the things I love, is the fireworks safety videos. It’s that time of year again where we blow up mannequins. So if you’re a mannequin, be very careful this year. Saddam Hussein’s buddy Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death. I feel bad for his wife, Chemical Shirley. Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. They’ve asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don’t want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter, who was saying, "Welcome to Wal-Mart; Harry is dead.” Yankees’ Jason Giambi has told Major League Baseball he will testify about his own steroid use, but he will not mention the names of any other players. Instead he said he’s going to talk about someone whose name rhymes with Harry Honds. They’re going to reveal President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they’re just gonna build some stuff, and see what happens. This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze. Last week was the 2007 Ugliest Dog competition. It’s a real contest. I’m not making it up. Back in 1992 my girlfriend at the time won.
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
Oct. 25, 2004 was probably the worst Saturday night of Ashlee Simpson's life. The singer, who was making her debut appearance on "Saturday Night Live," was caught lip-synching when the vocals for the wrong song came through the speakers at a time when the microphone was nowhere near Ashlee's mouth. The vocal was quickly silenced, and Ashlee did a nervous jig onstage before sulking off. She later blamed her lip-synching on a bout of acid reflux, but was ridiculed for months after the event anyway.
R.I.P.
Chris Benoit: Makes ya wonder how many people Barry Bonds has strangled or smothered.
Liz Claiborne: This season from Liz Claiborne. Black.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1905
Dr. Beaurieux picks up the freshly-severed head of Henri Languille just after it drops into the guillotine basket and shouts the man's name three times. According to the doctor's report: "Languille's eyes very definitely fixed themselves on mine and the pupils focused themselves. ... I was dealing with undeniably living eyes which were looking at me."
1914
During a parade in Sarajevo, Nedjelko Cabrinovic tosses a grenade into the automobile carrying Archduke Franz Ferdinand and wife Sofia. But Ferdinand knocks the bomb away with his arm and his driver speeds away from the would-be assassin. A short while later, during the return drive, Gavrilo Princip pulls out an automatic pistol and kills both Ferdinand and his pregnant wife. Five weeks later, the continent of Europe erupts into World War I.
1969
The three-day Stonewall Riots, triggered by the police raid of a New York City gay bar, begin the gay rights movement.
1997
Mike Tyson is disqualified from a championship boxing bout after biting off a large portion of Evander Holyfield's ear. Tyson is later banned from boxing and fined $3 million for the incident. Tastes like chicken. <incidentally, my dad was in Vegas when that whole thing went down.>
PICK UP LINES
Your body must be a Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
If you were a burger at McDonalds, you'd be named McGorgeous.
Didn't we go to different schools together?
I hear your body is made up of 75% water, and man, am I thirsty!
God was showing off when he made you.
Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice.
Hi, are you here to meet a nice guy, or will I do?
You must be a parking ticket, because you have fine written all over you.
Excuse me, do you have a neck brace? I think I injured myself when I fell for you.
Was your Dad in the Air Force? Because you're the bomb.
Can I borrow your library card, because I'd like to check you out.
You're more beautiful than 100 pink flamingos on a golf course.
Baby, you're so sweet, you could put Hershey's out of business. And speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
I don't think a firefighter could put you out.
Do you know karate, because your body is kickin’.
I think we should be lab partners because you and I have chemistry.
I don't know if it's igneous or metamorphic, but baby, you rock.
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to go out with me?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
If you're here, who's running heaven?
SHARPENING AXES
Aulophobia is the fear of flutes. The longest confirmed lifespan on record was that of Jeanne Louise Calment of France. She died in 1997 aged 122 years, 164 days. Email, in French, translates as "enamel." The oldest military unit is the Vatican's Swiss Guard. It dates back to January 21, 1506. American and Russian space flights have always included chocolate. The German phrase, "Sieg Heil," means "Hail to victory."
The average cup of coffeecontains more than 1,000 different chemical components.
Catwoman's real name is Selina Kyle. It is estimated that there are more than 169,518,829,100,544,000,000,000,000,000 ways to play the first 10 moves in chess.
George Michael's real name is George Panayiotou. The "Dull Men's Hall of Fame" is located in Carroll, Wisconsin. If you were to take a taxicab from New York City to Los Angeles, it would cost you $8,325. Tipping in restaurants in Iceland is considered insulting. Wyoming was the first state to give women the right to vote in 1869. About 20,000 elephants are killed by poachers every year. About 55 of all U.S. prisoners are in prison for drug offenses. Helvetica, the name of the popular font, derived from Helvitia, the Latin name for Switzerland. If humans could run as fast as a cockroach, we'd reach speeds of more than 300 m.p.h. One side of the Nobel Peace Prize medal depicts three naked men frolicking. The bloodiest battle in history was the Battle of Stalingrad, 1942-1943. More than 1.5 million people died.
NUTTED BY REALITY
I hate to sound like a broken record, but once again, "On The Lot" underwent a few more tweaks this week. To begin with, thanks to a somewhat revealing outfit, the studio audience was mere millimeters away from finding out what exactly resided on Adriana Costa's lot. I'm pretty sure Garry Marshall would have had a heart attack had this actually occurred. In addition, just a few minutes into the show, Adriana and Garry met with the directors during one of those behind-the-scenes sequences (that they don't utilize enough), and sent Jessica packing for the travesty of a film she submitted last week. I sure hope the show sticks to this method of crushing people's dreams because it's a lot less messy and a lot more concise. I think the producers finally figured out that this isn't "American Idol" and I'm relieved. A few other changes of note: Six directors showed films tonight instead of four directors showing slightly longer films like I expected. The directors also had a set genre this go around, which was a throwback to what they did earlier inthe competition. Finally, the directors who weren't filming this week showed up at the sets of the directors who were filming and offered some mostly forgettable commentary. I think that about covers all the tweaks. Tonight's guest judge was Mark Waters, director of Mean Girls, Freaky Friday, and Just Like Heaven.
HEROES
First they saved the cheerleader, now they've given her a boyfriend. Nick D'Agosto will join NBC's "Heroes" this fall as West, Claire's boyfriend. The show says he will have a "cool" super power. I don't know if that means the super power is interesting and neat, or if he can turn himself into a giant ice cube tray and make ice cubes for when the other heroes are hot and thirsty from fighting the bad guys. D'Agosto has guest starred on several TV shows, including "House", "ER", "Cold Case", "Six Feet Under", "Big Day", "Without A Trace", and "Boston Public". I guess this means that we won't be seeing the gay/not gay Zach back on the show as Claire's boyfriend. He's too busy on another show anyway.
GEEK TALK
As much as we planned and waited for a wham-bam spider-action trilogy with Sam Raimi's Spider-Man franchise, it started to become inevitable that three wouldn't be enough. The films bring in way too much money for the studio to wipe their hands, say "that was fun" and head to the horizon. Of course, there's been all sorts of talk about the three musketeers -- Raimi, Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst -- and how none wants to be involved if the others aren't. "It would be really hard for me to make a movie without Tobey and Kirsten playing the two leads," Raimi stated, hopefully meaning just in the Spidey universe, and not in general. Yet, he's still looking forward and scheming up sequels, which may have him at the helm, or not. As Raimi sees the next installment, according to MTV: "I would love to see Electro, Vulture, maybe the Sinister Six as a team." Now, I'm completely Spidey-dumb beyond the originals, but luckily, the Internet provides quick geek research. The original Sinister Six was a collection of supervillains brought together by Doc Ock to bring Spider-Man down. He collected: the Vulture, Electro, Kraven the Hunter, Mysterio and Sandman. So, that means bringing two of the villains back for more, and adding a tonof new ones as well. (Or, any one of the other incarnates of the group.) And that, frankly, seems a bit rash. After all of the feedback saying that 3 villains was a bit much for one film, he wants to double it? Maybe in a few films, after introducing the other evil characters, but why the over-kill? But that's not all - Raimi is also anxious to see Dr. Curt Connors get his time as The Lizard: "I love Dylan Baker as a person, and I really like the character he is developing." So, that means dipping into The Sinister Twelve. Oh, the villains never end.
MOVIE BUZZ
Playboy
Brett Ratner has just signed on to direct a biopic of Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner. Since I'm one of those "articles only" guys, I plan on watching the film's scenes of insightful social and political commentary and checking out any celebrity appearances but will close my eyes during the nudity.
Spider-Man 4
Sam Raimi has finally spoken out, saying he wants the Vulture and Electro as the villains in the next film and that he sincerely hopes Sony asks him first to direct it. I don't know, the first three were such horrible bombs, I can't imagine they'd do that.
Zack and Miri Make a Porno
"Entertainment Weekly" has posted a script page from Kevin Smith's upcoming comedy. Surprisingly, it's very tasteful and romantic. Nah, just kidding. It's so crude the magazine had to edit out the naughty bits. Of course, left in some dialogue about a Rosie O'Donnell sex tape, so now we gotta live with that image in our heads …
Lions for Lambs
In the first look at the Robert Redford-directed political drama, Tom Cruise gets tough on the War on Terror. His target: Meryl Streep. I know when I think of terror, I think of The Devil Wears Prada.
Valkyrie
Meanwhile, Germany has started a War on Tom Cruise, banning the actor from filming his WWII thriller — about a plot to assassinate Hitler in that country — because of his beliefs in Scientology. Hmmm … Germany? Intolerance for a religion? There's some sort of irony going on here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Indiana Jones and the City of Gods
Paramount has released a video of the first day of shooting, where Spielberg toasts his crew and films some cars driving down a desert road. Missing from the piece: star Harrison Ford. It was nap time.
Stuck
In the creepy trailer, Mena Suvari hits Stephen Rea with her car and leaves him to die in her windshield. But what's really sick? It's based on a true story. And no, Paris Hilton was nowhere in sight.
Star Trek 11
An interview with the sequel's screenwriters confirms that it will focus on the "earliest adventures" of Spock and Kirk. Apparently, the first scene is of the futuristic duo sharpening their crayons to the stun position and figuring out if either the Klingons or the Romulans have poisoned the milk supply of the Enterprise Day Care Center.
Where the Wild Things Are
The first image from the Spike Jonze film shows giant hairy monsters running through the woods. Either that or it's a picture from the world's most disturbing nudist colony.
The Lost Girls
MTV Films is going to produce this adaptation of the teen novel Bad Girls (with a slight title change), which was published by MTV Books. When asked if the MTV cable channel would show music videos from the film's soundtrack, they replied, "Nah, we don't show those anymore."
The Water Horse
In the trailer, a young boy raises the Loch Ness Monster as a pet. Jeez, kids today. When I was a lad, you went down to the water, found a frog, kept him in a jar with holes poked in the lid, and you were happy with that.
There you have it, Phans, another entry of the Phile. Now, next Thursday I should be posting another entry of the Phile, but my mother-in-law will be in town staying with us, so I might end up playing dominoes instead. The week after that we will be moving, so I really doubt I will have the computer set up, but we'll see. In the meantime, go to Friendly's and have a banana split. Man, those are good. Spread the word, not the turd.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
We're Doomed!
Hello, and welcome to the most updated blog on the internet. I am your host, JP-POO-POO. The last few days I worked with Anthony Daniels who played C-3PO in the Star Wars movies. At first I thought he was an arrogant prick, but by today I realized he was just a misunderstood diva. He thanked me and said I was one of the most professional people he ever worked with. Boy, was he fooled. This week, Ozzie Osbourne sold his mansion in Los Angeles. Ozzie said he had to sell the house because he said, "I could never find it.”
Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs "The Sopranos.” Hillary’s calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal health.
It’s been reported that Nightmare on Elm Street Director Wes Craven is suing Pauly Shore. That’s right — the man who gave you nightmares is being sued by Wes Craven. On Tuesday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.” A new comic book has come out that features Latino superheroes. Apparently, they leap over the border in a single bound. Jail officials in England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner’s rear end. Prison officials became suspicious when they heard the inmate saying, "I’m gonna lose you. My cell phone’s about to go into a tunnel.” Earlier this week, Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday. Unfortunately, when Paula blew out the birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius. According to a new poll, 15 percent of Americans say that Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85 percent say she gives them the willies or the heebie jeebies. The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles. The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas. Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is "Renegade.” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service code name, "Ballbuster.” Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200 mile campaign trip in Iowa. Brownback said, "I’m not going to stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.” Bob Barker has now retired. He has endorsed Rosie O’Donnell to become the host of "The Price Is Right.” If she takes the job, Rosie will end each show by saying, "Please remember to spay or neuter Donald Trump.” Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong? The Iranian parliament has passed a law calling for the execution of all Iranian porn stars. Of course, in Iran, a porn movie is any movie where a woman exposes her chin. It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady.” And finally, did you hear about the new movie on the Disney Channel? "Home School Musical."
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
On Feb. 1, during the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime Show, 140 million people watched as Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's corset, exposing her right breast. Janet claimed that the incident was the result of a "wardrobe malfunction," but that wasn't enough to get her off the hook. She was criticized for months following the incident and was banned from attending that year's Grammy awards. Justin was allowed to attend the ceremony after agreeing to apologize on air.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1374
In a sudden outbreak of Dancing Mania (aka "St. John's Dance"), people in the streets of Aix-la-Chapelle, Prussia experience terrible hallucinations and begin to jump and twitch uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. Many of the sufferers are afflicted with frothing at the mouth, diabolical screaming, and sexual frenzy. The phenomenon lasts well into the month of July. Nowadays, ergot madness is suspected as being the ultimate cause of the disorder.
1947
Businessman pilot Kenneth Arnold encounters a formation of nine flying saucers near Mt. Ranier, Washington, exhibiting unusual movements and velocities of 1,700 mph. No explanation is found for this first report of flying saucers in the recent era, but it does earn Mr. Arnold legions of skeptics and an eventual IRS tax audit.
1948
East Germany blockades the city of West Berlin.
1957
The U.S. Supreme Court rules that obscenity is not protected by the First Amendment, though a dissenting opinion included with the ruling notes the issue of prior restraint renders this a terrible decision.
1993
Yale computer science professor Dr. David Gelernter opens a padded envelope in his office when it suddenly explodes. Gelernter loses the sight in one eye, the hearing in one ear, and part of his right hand. In this condition he manages to walk down five flights of stairs and over to the university hospital a block away. It is the handiwork of the Unabomber.
R.I.P.
Bernard Manning: And take Archie, Eli, and Peyton with you.
Mr. Wizard Don Herbert: Mr. Withered.
Hank Medress: In the coffin, the buried coffin, Hank Medress sleeps tonight.
Bob Evans: I didn't know he was real, let alone alive. Talk about a low profile!
Roger Armstrong (Bugs Bunny Cartoonist): So the Doc replies, "What's up is you're having a heart attack"
Rod Beck: Beck. It's German for 'dead'.
SHARPENING AXES
Anthony Kingsley Daniels (born February 21, 1946 in Salisbury, England), and educated at Giggleswick School, is an English actor best known for his role as the droid C-3PO in the Star Wars series of films made between 1977 and 2005. It is interesting to note that Daniels and Kenny Baker (who played R2-D2 in the series) are the only actors credited as playing the same role in all six of the Star Wars films. Daniels has been politically active in the United Kingdom, but he has kept his politics and his professional life completely separate. Quoted in the "Examiner", Kenny Baker described Anthony Daniels as standoffish. Baker and Daniels have been feuding for three decades. Daniels, now 61, was never friendly to the other actors in the film, either. "Anthony doesn't mix at all," says Baker. "He keeps to himself." A gossip magazine, "Popbitch", quoted Daniels as saying in make-up: "the mask does not go on until the dwarf is in the can". He is 5'9" (1.75 m). As C-3PO he has planted his 'metal' footprints in the courtyard pavement of Mann's (formerly Graumans's) Chinese Theatre. Anthony Daniels was never a science fiction fan. The only science fiction movie he ever saw in a theatre was 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). He was so dissatisfied with the movie that he walked out after only ten minutes and demanded his money back. He was the only cast member of the Star Wars trilogy to voice his character in all three episodes of National Public Radio's dramatizations of the Star Wars trilogy (while Mark Hamill voiced Luke Skywalker for both A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, and Billy Dee Williams voiced Lando Calrissian for The Empire Strikes Back, when the Return of the Jedi adaptation was recorded many years later, Hamill and Williams were replaced by Joshua Fardon and Arye Gross, respectively). Daniels also contributed the foreword to the collected scripts of the Return of the Jedi radio drama, as their author Brian Daley died just as the episodes were being recorded. Daniels' other Star Wars-related writings include the Wonder Column for Star Wars Insider magazine and a comic book adventure for C-3PO and R2-D2 entitled the Protocol Offensive, published by Dark Horse Comics. As C-3PO, he has the honour of saying the first line in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, first released in 1977 and part of what is known as the Original Trilogy, and the last line in Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, released in 2005 and part of the Prequel Trilogy. In The Phantom Menace, Daniels did the voice work for the character but did not appear in the movie. In 2002's Episode II: Attack of the Clones and 2005's Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, he returned to the screen (in costume) and dubbed the vocal tracks for some scenes that used CGI.
SEARCH ENGINE
Cut and paste for the two clips.
http://starwars.com/video/view/000501.html (during the Ray Park spot you can see me)
http://starwars.com/video/view/000507.html (during the Jeremy Bulloch you can see me as well)
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm pretty sure Fox has an intern whose sole job is to check the web every Wednesday morning to see what the bloggers and web magazines had to say about the previous night's episode of "On The Lot". I say this because it feels like the producers take the online criticism into account and have been making little adjustments here and there to try and make the show a little bit better. For instance, this week Adriana Costa cut right to the chase and let us know that Marty was going home. For this I applaud the network, not only because Marty was getting terribly annoying, but because the "we're not telling you who is leaving until after the break" stuff was equally as annoying. So, if there is some Fox intern out there who hates himself enough to read my weekly musings on the show, I have a minor suggestion for next week's episode.
Get rid of all the contestants except Sam, Adam, Andrew, Will, and Zach and let the five of them duke it out with 10 minute film skirmishes for the rest of the season.
I'm not saying that the rest of the directors are bad. I'm just saying that the rest of the directors aren't very good and it would save us all a lot of time since it's pretty clear (in my mind anyways) that the five I mentioned make the best films. At the very least, if Fox insists on sticking with the "4 or 5 contestants show their films" direction they've had the last three weeks, they should level things out a bit. I propose that one director writes a script each week and all the other directors create a film from that script. This would give America a better basis to make judgments on cinematography, creative vision, and the performances the directors were able to elicit from the actors among other things. If anything, I think it'd be interesting to see how the film makers interpret the same piece of material. The format for the last three weeks was working for me for a while, but I find myself getting really bored all of a sudden. I'm not an advocate of a show changing mid-season, and I've griped about it the numerous times it's occurred already, but I'm begging for this last change - or something like it - to keep me interested. I'm fading fast, and the lackluster film offerings from the last few weeks aren't helping. Okay, I'm done griping. The venerable Wes Craven was this weeks guest judge.
GEEK TALK
Although Zak Penn has said that he won't start writing an Avengers script anytime soon, that might be changing. According to AICN, Marvel is taking the first step toward integrating the superhero universe on the big screen by potentially laying down the foundation for an Avengers movie during next summer's Iron Man. That's right, apparently Nick Fury will be introduced as a character in the film, and he'll be played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. Are you drooling yet? While it's still in the rumor stages, all signs point to this being a reality -- in fact, on Fury's Wikipedia page, it already mentions the fact that Sam Jackson is playing the character in the upcoming Iron Man film. So there's two sources, both with the same information -- and AICN claims Jackson is shooting his scenes this week. Also on the Wikipedia page it says that the Ultimate Nick Fury was modeled after Samuel L. Jackson, with the actor's permission. So it would totally make sense for Jackson to be interested in the role. Additionally, Iron Man is one of the Marvel-related films that is being developed from scratch by Marvel Enterprises (and not some random studio), which means it's more likely that they'll not only take chances, but also give the die hard fans want they want. We're not sure if Fury's involvement here means there won't be an entire Nick Fury movie at some point, or if the character will only appear once before showing up in an Avengers movie. Jackson is cool and all, but the dude is not getting any younger -- so I imagine an Avengers flick would have to happen within the next five years. Seeing as it looks like they're going with the Ultimate version of Fury, they'll most likely use the storyline of him beinga Gulf War veteran and spy. I'm not sure how they'll work in a meeting between Fury and Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), but at some point Fury becomes the General of S.H.I.E.L.D. and leader of The Ultimates, or Avengers. Will all that be set up in Iron Man? Will they officially announce Jackson's participation at the upcoming San Diego ComicCon? Guess we'll have to wait to find out. In the meantime, what do you think about all this?
MOVIE BUZZ
Bond 22
Finding Neverland's Marc Forster has been tapped as the director of the next James Bond sequel. In it, James will discover he's only the creation of writer Ian Fleming and start hanging out with little boys who inspire him to not hurt people anymore.
Monopoly
Ridley Scott is said to be directing a film based on the classic board game. Donald Trump was angling for the role of Top Hat until producers realized there'd be no way to get a fedora big enough to cover his comb-over. He may have to settle for Thimble.
Cell
Eli Roth says he won't be working on his upcoming adaptation of the Stephen King novel anytime soon, since Hostel: Part II bombed so badly. In other news, at a touch football game with friends over the weekend, Eli claimed someone slapped him on the back too hard, so he promptly took his ball and went home.
Jay and Seth vs. the Apocalypse
In either an actual trailer or just an online joke, potty-mouthed Knocked Up stars Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel are trapped together in an apartment after the end of the world. I'm hoping that not only does it become a real film but that they release it with scratch-'n'-sniff cards. These guys look rank.
Dallas
For those still hoping for a big-screen adaptation of the classic TV drama, John Travolta recently stated that he's talking to a director to make it a reality. He also added that he no longer wants to star as J.R. Ewing but will instead take the part as a fat Sue Ellen.
Beverly Hills Cop 4
Producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura is trying to get another sequel off the ground but is doubtful he can still get an R rating because of Eddie Murphy's new family-friendly image. Hey, if he wants tips on how to make an R-rated film, he should contact the producers of The Shield.
3:10 to Yuma
Russell Crowe and Christian Bale try to outbadass each other in the violent, Old West trailer. In one scene, Crowe bursts into Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory just so he can throw the first ever telephone at Christian.
The Cat Burglars
Wallace & Gromit animators Aardman Features has said their next film about stray cats who steal milk will be like a "family-friendly Tarantino" movie. So, the animated felines will sit around and talk about how The Aristocats is an underrated masterpiece for an hour before pulling off a heist?
Wall-E
In the teaser trailer, a little trash-compacting robot has big dreams of going into space. I just better make sure I don't take my in-sink garbage-disposal unit to see it so it doesn't get any funny ideas.
And now for the review of Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer. Starring Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Andre Braugher, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington. Mr. Fantastic stretches, Invisble Woman disappears, Human Torch burns and the Thing yells and lifts stuff all over again as a couple of new nemesises (nemesi?) try to kill the planet. Silly bad guys. Don't you know you're dealing with the Fantastic Four? Now I know whyt they call Rise of the Silver Surfer. I was rising to when I saw Jessica Alba laying naked in the street. Unlike the comic book they turned Galactus into a cloud. A fluffy little cloud. Ready to go burn down some movie theaters now, Nerds? As for the rest of you, the Silver Surfer is the money shot in this one, but the truth is that his character is really just the herald for this Galactus guy who devours planets. In the comic books, Galactus is a being who speaks in a kind of Fancy English and says pompous, third-person stuff like: "What are brief, unimportant lives to Galactus?" Here, he isn't even a he, and he just goes "whooosh" a lot, like if a slow-moving tornado hit the whole planet. Growing up, I was a big Silver Surfer fan so seeing him in the movie was the best part for me. They defintely left it open for a Silver Surfer spin-off movie. From 1 to 10, I give it a 9.
Well, that's it for another entry, Phans. Today was the last day working at Star Wars Weekends, which was sad. I want to thank Julie, Diane, Jerry, Paul, Meg and Mike for making itso much fun these four weeks. The next entry should be this Thursday, but with us moving and everything, something might come up. In the meantime, do yourselves a favor and go to Gator's Dockside restaurant and try their Monte Cristo sandwiches. You'll be thanking me later. Spread the word, not the turd.
Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs "The Sopranos.” Hillary’s calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal health.
It’s been reported that Nightmare on Elm Street Director Wes Craven is suing Pauly Shore. That’s right — the man who gave you nightmares is being sued by Wes Craven. On Tuesday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.” A new comic book has come out that features Latino superheroes. Apparently, they leap over the border in a single bound. Jail officials in England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner’s rear end. Prison officials became suspicious when they heard the inmate saying, "I’m gonna lose you. My cell phone’s about to go into a tunnel.” Earlier this week, Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday. Unfortunately, when Paula blew out the birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius. According to a new poll, 15 percent of Americans say that Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85 percent say she gives them the willies or the heebie jeebies. The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles. The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas. Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is "Renegade.” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service code name, "Ballbuster.” Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200 mile campaign trip in Iowa. Brownback said, "I’m not going to stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.” Bob Barker has now retired. He has endorsed Rosie O’Donnell to become the host of "The Price Is Right.” If she takes the job, Rosie will end each show by saying, "Please remember to spay or neuter Donald Trump.” Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong? The Iranian parliament has passed a law calling for the execution of all Iranian porn stars. Of course, in Iran, a porn movie is any movie where a woman exposes her chin. It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady.” And finally, did you hear about the new movie on the Disney Channel? "Home School Musical."
UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS
On Feb. 1, during the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime Show, 140 million people watched as Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's corset, exposing her right breast. Janet claimed that the incident was the result of a "wardrobe malfunction," but that wasn't enough to get her off the hook. She was criticized for months following the incident and was banned from attending that year's Grammy awards. Justin was allowed to attend the ceremony after agreeing to apologize on air.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1374
In a sudden outbreak of Dancing Mania (aka "St. John's Dance"), people in the streets of Aix-la-Chapelle, Prussia experience terrible hallucinations and begin to jump and twitch uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. Many of the sufferers are afflicted with frothing at the mouth, diabolical screaming, and sexual frenzy. The phenomenon lasts well into the month of July. Nowadays, ergot madness is suspected as being the ultimate cause of the disorder.
1947
Businessman pilot Kenneth Arnold encounters a formation of nine flying saucers near Mt. Ranier, Washington, exhibiting unusual movements and velocities of 1,700 mph. No explanation is found for this first report of flying saucers in the recent era, but it does earn Mr. Arnold legions of skeptics and an eventual IRS tax audit.
1948
East Germany blockades the city of West Berlin.
1957
The U.S. Supreme Court rules that obscenity is not protected by the First Amendment, though a dissenting opinion included with the ruling notes the issue of prior restraint renders this a terrible decision.
1993
Yale computer science professor Dr. David Gelernter opens a padded envelope in his office when it suddenly explodes. Gelernter loses the sight in one eye, the hearing in one ear, and part of his right hand. In this condition he manages to walk down five flights of stairs and over to the university hospital a block away. It is the handiwork of the Unabomber.
R.I.P.
Bernard Manning: And take Archie, Eli, and Peyton with you.
Mr. Wizard Don Herbert: Mr. Withered.
Hank Medress: In the coffin, the buried coffin, Hank Medress sleeps tonight.
Bob Evans: I didn't know he was real, let alone alive. Talk about a low profile!
Roger Armstrong (Bugs Bunny Cartoonist): So the Doc replies, "What's up is you're having a heart attack"
Rod Beck: Beck. It's German for 'dead'.
SHARPENING AXES
Anthony Kingsley Daniels (born February 21, 1946 in Salisbury, England), and educated at Giggleswick School, is an English actor best known for his role as the droid C-3PO in the Star Wars series of films made between 1977 and 2005. It is interesting to note that Daniels and Kenny Baker (who played R2-D2 in the series) are the only actors credited as playing the same role in all six of the Star Wars films. Daniels has been politically active in the United Kingdom, but he has kept his politics and his professional life completely separate. Quoted in the "Examiner", Kenny Baker described Anthony Daniels as standoffish. Baker and Daniels have been feuding for three decades. Daniels, now 61, was never friendly to the other actors in the film, either. "Anthony doesn't mix at all," says Baker. "He keeps to himself." A gossip magazine, "Popbitch", quoted Daniels as saying in make-up: "the mask does not go on until the dwarf is in the can". He is 5'9" (1.75 m). As C-3PO he has planted his 'metal' footprints in the courtyard pavement of Mann's (formerly Graumans's) Chinese Theatre. Anthony Daniels was never a science fiction fan. The only science fiction movie he ever saw in a theatre was 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). He was so dissatisfied with the movie that he walked out after only ten minutes and demanded his money back. He was the only cast member of the Star Wars trilogy to voice his character in all three episodes of National Public Radio's dramatizations of the Star Wars trilogy (while Mark Hamill voiced Luke Skywalker for both A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, and Billy Dee Williams voiced Lando Calrissian for The Empire Strikes Back, when the Return of the Jedi adaptation was recorded many years later, Hamill and Williams were replaced by Joshua Fardon and Arye Gross, respectively). Daniels also contributed the foreword to the collected scripts of the Return of the Jedi radio drama, as their author Brian Daley died just as the episodes were being recorded. Daniels' other Star Wars-related writings include the Wonder Column for Star Wars Insider magazine and a comic book adventure for C-3PO and R2-D2 entitled the Protocol Offensive, published by Dark Horse Comics. As C-3PO, he has the honour of saying the first line in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, first released in 1977 and part of what is known as the Original Trilogy, and the last line in Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, released in 2005 and part of the Prequel Trilogy. In The Phantom Menace, Daniels did the voice work for the character but did not appear in the movie. In 2002's Episode II: Attack of the Clones and 2005's Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, he returned to the screen (in costume) and dubbed the vocal tracks for some scenes that used CGI.
SEARCH ENGINE
Cut and paste for the two clips.
http://starwars.com/video/view/000501.html (during the Ray Park spot you can see me)
http://starwars.com/video/view/000507.html (during the Jeremy Bulloch you can see me as well)
NUTTED BY REALITY
I'm pretty sure Fox has an intern whose sole job is to check the web every Wednesday morning to see what the bloggers and web magazines had to say about the previous night's episode of "On The Lot". I say this because it feels like the producers take the online criticism into account and have been making little adjustments here and there to try and make the show a little bit better. For instance, this week Adriana Costa cut right to the chase and let us know that Marty was going home. For this I applaud the network, not only because Marty was getting terribly annoying, but because the "we're not telling you who is leaving until after the break" stuff was equally as annoying. So, if there is some Fox intern out there who hates himself enough to read my weekly musings on the show, I have a minor suggestion for next week's episode.
Get rid of all the contestants except Sam, Adam, Andrew, Will, and Zach and let the five of them duke it out with 10 minute film skirmishes for the rest of the season.
I'm not saying that the rest of the directors are bad. I'm just saying that the rest of the directors aren't very good and it would save us all a lot of time since it's pretty clear (in my mind anyways) that the five I mentioned make the best films. At the very least, if Fox insists on sticking with the "4 or 5 contestants show their films" direction they've had the last three weeks, they should level things out a bit. I propose that one director writes a script each week and all the other directors create a film from that script. This would give America a better basis to make judgments on cinematography, creative vision, and the performances the directors were able to elicit from the actors among other things. If anything, I think it'd be interesting to see how the film makers interpret the same piece of material. The format for the last three weeks was working for me for a while, but I find myself getting really bored all of a sudden. I'm not an advocate of a show changing mid-season, and I've griped about it the numerous times it's occurred already, but I'm begging for this last change - or something like it - to keep me interested. I'm fading fast, and the lackluster film offerings from the last few weeks aren't helping. Okay, I'm done griping. The venerable Wes Craven was this weeks guest judge.
GEEK TALK
Although Zak Penn has said that he won't start writing an Avengers script anytime soon, that might be changing. According to AICN, Marvel is taking the first step toward integrating the superhero universe on the big screen by potentially laying down the foundation for an Avengers movie during next summer's Iron Man. That's right, apparently Nick Fury will be introduced as a character in the film, and he'll be played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. Are you drooling yet? While it's still in the rumor stages, all signs point to this being a reality -- in fact, on Fury's Wikipedia page, it already mentions the fact that Sam Jackson is playing the character in the upcoming Iron Man film. So there's two sources, both with the same information -- and AICN claims Jackson is shooting his scenes this week. Also on the Wikipedia page it says that the Ultimate Nick Fury was modeled after Samuel L. Jackson, with the actor's permission. So it would totally make sense for Jackson to be interested in the role. Additionally, Iron Man is one of the Marvel-related films that is being developed from scratch by Marvel Enterprises (and not some random studio), which means it's more likely that they'll not only take chances, but also give the die hard fans want they want. We're not sure if Fury's involvement here means there won't be an entire Nick Fury movie at some point, or if the character will only appear once before showing up in an Avengers movie. Jackson is cool and all, but the dude is not getting any younger -- so I imagine an Avengers flick would have to happen within the next five years. Seeing as it looks like they're going with the Ultimate version of Fury, they'll most likely use the storyline of him beinga Gulf War veteran and spy. I'm not sure how they'll work in a meeting between Fury and Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), but at some point Fury becomes the General of S.H.I.E.L.D. and leader of The Ultimates, or Avengers. Will all that be set up in Iron Man? Will they officially announce Jackson's participation at the upcoming San Diego ComicCon? Guess we'll have to wait to find out. In the meantime, what do you think about all this?
MOVIE BUZZ
Bond 22
Finding Neverland's Marc Forster has been tapped as the director of the next James Bond sequel. In it, James will discover he's only the creation of writer Ian Fleming and start hanging out with little boys who inspire him to not hurt people anymore.
Monopoly
Ridley Scott is said to be directing a film based on the classic board game. Donald Trump was angling for the role of Top Hat until producers realized there'd be no way to get a fedora big enough to cover his comb-over. He may have to settle for Thimble.
Cell
Eli Roth says he won't be working on his upcoming adaptation of the Stephen King novel anytime soon, since Hostel: Part II bombed so badly. In other news, at a touch football game with friends over the weekend, Eli claimed someone slapped him on the back too hard, so he promptly took his ball and went home.
Jay and Seth vs. the Apocalypse
In either an actual trailer or just an online joke, potty-mouthed Knocked Up stars Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel are trapped together in an apartment after the end of the world. I'm hoping that not only does it become a real film but that they release it with scratch-'n'-sniff cards. These guys look rank.
Dallas
For those still hoping for a big-screen adaptation of the classic TV drama, John Travolta recently stated that he's talking to a director to make it a reality. He also added that he no longer wants to star as J.R. Ewing but will instead take the part as a fat Sue Ellen.
Beverly Hills Cop 4
Producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura is trying to get another sequel off the ground but is doubtful he can still get an R rating because of Eddie Murphy's new family-friendly image. Hey, if he wants tips on how to make an R-rated film, he should contact the producers of The Shield.
3:10 to Yuma
Russell Crowe and Christian Bale try to outbadass each other in the violent, Old West trailer. In one scene, Crowe bursts into Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory just so he can throw the first ever telephone at Christian.
The Cat Burglars
Wallace & Gromit animators Aardman Features has said their next film about stray cats who steal milk will be like a "family-friendly Tarantino" movie. So, the animated felines will sit around and talk about how The Aristocats is an underrated masterpiece for an hour before pulling off a heist?
Wall-E
In the teaser trailer, a little trash-compacting robot has big dreams of going into space. I just better make sure I don't take my in-sink garbage-disposal unit to see it so it doesn't get any funny ideas.
And now for the review of Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer. Starring Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Andre Braugher, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington. Mr. Fantastic stretches, Invisble Woman disappears, Human Torch burns and the Thing yells and lifts stuff all over again as a couple of new nemesises (nemesi?) try to kill the planet. Silly bad guys. Don't you know you're dealing with the Fantastic Four? Now I know whyt they call Rise of the Silver Surfer. I was rising to when I saw Jessica Alba laying naked in the street. Unlike the comic book they turned Galactus into a cloud. A fluffy little cloud. Ready to go burn down some movie theaters now, Nerds? As for the rest of you, the Silver Surfer is the money shot in this one, but the truth is that his character is really just the herald for this Galactus guy who devours planets. In the comic books, Galactus is a being who speaks in a kind of Fancy English and says pompous, third-person stuff like: "What are brief, unimportant lives to Galactus?" Here, he isn't even a he, and he just goes "whooosh" a lot, like if a slow-moving tornado hit the whole planet. Growing up, I was a big Silver Surfer fan so seeing him in the movie was the best part for me. They defintely left it open for a Silver Surfer spin-off movie. From 1 to 10, I give it a 9.
Well, that's it for another entry, Phans. Today was the last day working at Star Wars Weekends, which was sad. I want to thank Julie, Diane, Jerry, Paul, Meg and Mike for making itso much fun these four weeks. The next entry should be this Thursday, but with us moving and everything, something might come up. In the meantime, do yourselves a favor and go to Gator's Dockside restaurant and try their Monte Cristo sandwiches. You'll be thanking me later. Spread the word, not the turd.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Put Captain Solo In The Cargo Hold
Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, the internet's most updated blog. This weekend I was back at Disney/MGM Studios working Jeremy Bulloch's autograph line. Jeremy played Boba Fett in The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He was one of the most nicest, sincere celebrities I have ever met. He reminded me a lot of my dad as well with his British humour. I said to my wife "I hope that when I am in my 60's I am as cool, calm and collected as he was, and that I will be a British gentleman." She said, "No, you're always going to be an asshole."I was excited to learn that he was in "Doctor Who", James Bond movies and of course the Star Wars movies. My wife said she was surprised I didn't do him in the butt. Whatever that meant. Anyway, I will talk more about Jeremy later. So, happy Father's Day, dad's. For some reason, Sunday is Father’s Day. Disney charged an $20 for park admission, just so the princessess could call you Daddy. Last week I went to take Logan to see Surf's Up, but ended up seeing Knocked Up instead. I got confused with the movies. More trouble for the New York Yankees. Jason Giambi may be suspended if he doesn’t answer questions about steroids. This is serious. This is no laughing matter. This why Rosie got fired. Arnold Schwarzenegger in the news. Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group that if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, how about you tell us how you learned English, and we’ll do the opposite. Bill Clinton in the news. Bill Clinton earned more than $10 million last year from giving speeches, but he says he gave half of it to charity. Clinton gives the other half to her sister Tiffany. Republican presidential candidates Sam Brownback and Tom Tancredo both promise that if they are elected president, they will pardon Scooter Libby. Sorry, Scooter . . . You are going to jail. Barbara Walters got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. Barbara, of course, had another "Star” about a year ago, but she fired that bitch. There’s something crazy going on in Germany. Three people have been attacked by psychotic squirrels. These squirrels are not only crazy, they’re German. You know they’re just getting started. World domination. The start of Squirrel War 1. The French have already surrendered. Most squirrels will only attack you if you provoke them. Like if you go for their nuts. I have to say, I’m the same way. Normally very placid, but if you go for my nuts . . . I’ve been hearing complaints from Paris’ fellow prisoners that her family has been getting special treatment, but according to recently released inmates, the special treatment has been trickling down to them. "We are getting special treatment because of her. We’re getting two peanut butter sandwiches, two jellies, two bologna sandwiches . . . we only get one usually.” Check me in. It’s part of the Hilton Awards Program, I guess. Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab. She’s planning her birthday party while she’s in there. She planning a big bash in a night club in Las Vegas. What a way to celebrate your sobriety. How many "re’s” can you put in front of rehab? June is for high school graduations and weddings. And here in Minneola, many kids do both on the same day. Dick Cheney, our vice president, needs a new pace maker. So right now, Dick Cheney is being rushed to Cuba by Michael Moore. President Bush visited the Pope last weekend. He made a mistake. Instead of calling the Pope Your Holiness, he called him sir. Then, instead of kissing the Pope’s ring, Bush went for a high-five and said, "Up top, Popie.” Last week when President Bush was in Albania, they named a street after him. During the street-naming ceremony, Bush told the Albanians, "I’m honored to be standing here on Lame Duck Boulevard.” Paris Hilton has been dropped by her talent agency. But don’t worry, Paris was immediately snatched up by a no-talent agency.
A judge in Washington is suing a dry cleaners for $65 million over his pants that were ruined. He was crying in the court today. I found out he’s crying in court because he’s just gone through a divorce. That’s why his pants are so important to him. I mean he’s just lost his shirt. Steven Spielberg made a big announcement today: He’s endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. And he’s putting her in his new movie, Raiders of the Lost Cause. If you think "The Sopranos” left you feeling cheated, just wait until the end of this blog. Britney Spears in the news. Britney Spears has been telling her friends that she’s planning on getting back together with Kevin Federline. Britney says it wasn’t an easy decision, but she knows in her heart it’s the stupid thing to do. Here’s an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, "See!” I'm British, I could say that. And now, for a new feature called...
UNLUCKY MUSICIANS
And no, the first one isn't my dad because he had me as a son. Keith Richards is regarded as one of rock's most indestructible icons, but on April 27, 2006, the Rolling Stones guitarist proved he was human after all when he fell out of a coconut tree while vacationing in Fiji and suffered a concussion. Richards required surgery to relieve a blood clot in his brain two weeks after the fall, and the Stones were forced to postpone 15 European tour dates. "Keef" made a speedy recovery and the Stones were back to finish their tour in July.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1939
In Versailles, Eugene Weidmann becomes the last person to be publicly guillotined.
1968
Ohio Express' "Yummy Yummy Yummy (I've got love in my tummy)" goes gold.
1972
The "plumbers" break into Democratic National Committee Headquarters in the Watergate complex, in the course of what President Nixon will later describe as a "third rate burglary." In actuality, it is an attempt by the Republican Party to illegally wiretap the opposition.
1994
O.J. Simpson fails to turn himself in to the LAPD at a prearranged time and is later spotted in a white Ford Bronco on a Los Angeles expressway. After a low-speed pursuit through the freeways and streets of Brentwood, O.J. is finally arrested live on television in the driveway of his mansion. According to one of the defense attorneys who served on O.J.'s "Dream Team," Simpson tried to kill himself in the car, but the gun misfired. The Juice allegedly told him: "I pulled the trigger and it didn't go off."
LOCAL GIRLS
SANFORD -- A jury Friday convicted a 32-year-old Deltona woman of twice having sex with a 5-year-old boy while her husband, a professional pornographer, filmed the whole thing. Jurors watched the videotapes Wednesday. They deliberated less than an hour Friday before reaching their verdict. The woman, Kelly Lumadue, now faces a sentence of life in prison without parole. Assistant State Attorney Anna Valentini said that is the only sentence allowed by law for Lumadue's crimes of capital sexual battery. They happened in 1996 at the Longwood-area home Lumadue shared with her husband, Leonard "Bud" Lumadue. He was a house painter but discovered he could make more money in adult entertainment, Kelly Lumadue told a Seminole County deputy during her confession. Leonard Lumadue died of cancer in 2003.
A few months later, she decided to throw away his videotapes, she told the deputy. She put some in a garbage bag and hauled them to the curb. That's where a garbage collector found them, took them home, discovered what they were, then turned them over to authorities. The boy, now a teenager, did not testify. Defense attorney James "Tad" Figgatt said the teenager did not remember the incidents. Figgatt portrayed Kelly Lumadue as a long-suffering victim. Her husband coerced and physically abused her, Figgatt said. Leonard Lumadue pressured her for two months to have sex with the boy, she told the deputy. "It was something that he really, really wanted me to do," she said. She had appeared in Leonard Lumadue's films since she was 17, long before they were married, she said. Back then, he was married to someone else, she said. After the verdict, Lumadue was handcuffed and taken to the Seminole County Jail. She will be sentenced July 27.
HOW TO TELL IF AXL ROSE IS YOUR REAL DAD
When Father's Day comes around, for most of us, that only means one thing... Another day spent pondering that all-too-common question: "Is Axl Rose my real dad?" As front man for the notorious 80's band Guns N Roses, Axl Rose has of course cemented his place in rock music history. And let's be blunt and talk odds here, he's most likely had sex with your mother on numerous occasions. And, knowing your mother, it was probably pretty good. Use the following checklist to determine whether there's any basis to your nagging fear that when Axl Rose sang "Sweet Child O' Mine," he was singing about you. You have no rare blood diseases. It doesn't take a geneticist to know that not having a rare blood disease is hereditary. And it turns out that Axl rose doesn't have any rare blood diseases either. You do the math. Tommy Hilfiger wants nothingto do with you. After the infamous 2006 falling out between Axl Rose and fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger, Tommy vowed to never have anything to do withAxl Rose or anyone associated with him. So Hilfiger's refusal to acknowledge your existence may have deeper meaning than you think. Animals behave strangely around you. It's like they know. Especially tigers and squirrels.
You have never been to The Netherlands. Axl Rose has a legendary hatred for the Dutch, because seriously, fuck those people. You sometimes get poor cell phone reception. Most likely caused by transmissions from Axl Rose's privately-owned secret satellite that he uses to monitor you because he is your real dad and he loves you and wants to keep tabs on you at all times. Even in the cold november rain. And yes, "November Rain" is probably about you, too. You experience unexplained blackouts or time loss. Those lapses in your memory are probably times that Axl Rose took you to a ball game and then hugged you and let you call him "Pa," but your subconscious erased the memory because it was just too fucking awesome for your conscious mind to handle. Court-ordered paternity tests proved that neither Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Snake Plissken, or Matthew McConaughey are your real dad.
It's called “Process of Elimination.” One time, you had this really weird dream.
It was about how Axl Rose came to your high school and told everybody he was your real dad and then your fake dad showed up and Axl Rose hit him in the face with a folding chair and then stood over your fake dad's prone form shrieking "Welcome to the jungle, baby! You gonna die!"and then he totally had sex with your mom while everyone cheered. Possibly a secret message transmitted to your brain from Axl Rose's aforementioned satellite. You spent $38,000 on a life-sized replica doll with over a hundred points of articulation custom made to look, feel and smell exactly like Axl Rose. And when you position its arms to gently hold you, no place in the world feels safer. You own the only known hard copy of Chinese Democracy.
And there's a note on the cover, written in permanent marker, reading: Hey bud, enough fucking around. I'm your dad, okay? Love, Daddy Axl.
SHARPENING AXES
Jeremy Bulloch (born February 16, 1945 in Market Harborough, Leicestershire) is a British actor. He has appeared in numerous British TV and film productions, including "Doctor Who" and "Robin of Sherwood". In a career spanning almost half a century, he is perhaps most famous for his minor role as Boba Fett in the Star Wars films The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He also has a minor role in two James Bond films as Smithers, an assistant to Q. In 1962, he starred alongside Cliff Richard in the hit musical Summer Holiday. Bulloch has also appeared in two "Doctor Who" stories, "The Space Museum" and "The Time Warrior". In recent years, due to the release of the new Star Wars films, he is frequently invited to Science Fiction conventions throughout the world. In 2004, he published a limited edition memoir, "Flying Solo", which is a humorous account of his personal and professional life, interspersed with tales from the convention circuit. In 2005, he once again made an appearance in a Star Wars film, this time playing Captain Colton in Revenge of the Sith. Recently he played a small cameo role in Star Wars fanfilms Order of the Sith: Vengeance and its sequel Downfall - Order of the Sith - alongside David Prowse and Michael Sheard. These fanfilms were made in England in support of Save the Children. Check out his website at Jeremybulloch.com.
NUTTED BY REALITY
To the producer's credit, we finally have a format for "On The Lot", and it appears we're sticking with it. We also seem to have hit upon a trend with easy on the eyes but hard on the ears host Adriana Costa. I could be wrong, but it appears her outfit gets a little skimpier every week. If I'm right, somewhere around week 10 Fox's ratings are going to kill in this time slot since it's likely Adriana will have her outfit whittled down to a couple of squares of toilet paper held together by some fishing line. Until that glorious moment, we're stuck in the present, and that's where we learned Trever and Hilary were the two contestants that America liked the least last week. I have to agree with the country's opinion as the two of them definitely had the weakest films. In the event you didn't catch the show, instead of telling you right off who was sent home, I'm going to create some faux suspense and wait until the end to divulge this information. I'm only doing it because it works so well on the show. Also, tonight's guest judge is The Devil Wears Prada director David Frankel. He won an Academy Award back in 1997, and he has a pretty impressive IMDB filmography page. This was a huge step up from Michael Bay, who has most notably been nominated for a couple of Razzies. Trever ended up going home. I think he should have stayed on the merits of his golf film, but I didn't even vote last week so I can't complain much. I couldn't really tell if I was just in a bad mood Tuesday night or if the film offerings this week just weren't all that impressive. What do you think? Next week another director goes home and Adriana Costa pushes the limits of decency in prime time television. See you then.
HEROES
"Alias'" Sark to join "Heroes?" Obviously I mean the actor, David Anders. But wouldn't it be beyond cool to see the character of Sark show up on "Heroes"? Maybe he got some sort of power from being so close to all that Rambaldi business. Maybe he can have the power to impersonate anyone's voice exactly (Anders is actually from Oregon but does a British accent perfectly). Kristin over on E! is reporting that Anders is under negotiations to join the NBC hit this fall. He would play a new character named Kane, though there are no other details about the character. Of course, it's not a done deal, but it would be fantastic if this actually happened.
GEEK TALK
In an article which talks about The Avengers and Justice League projects, the "Hollywood Reporter" tells us that Kieran Mulroney and Michele Mulroney have submitted such a great draft of their Justice League script that Warner Bros. is now searching for a director. Meanwhile, Zak Penn (who is slated to pen Avengers) has not started his script yet, and based on a conversation last month, he won't be doing so anytime soon. However, if Warner Bros. begins to heat up their Justice League project, perhaps Marvel Studios will begin putting some pressure on Penn to write a draft. So far, there's no word on which characters are being included in either script, although some sources have alluded to the fact that both Superman and Batman will be in Justice League, even though Warners is already knee-deep in reviving both franchises separately on the big screen. Avengers, on the otherhand, include a bunch of characters who, as of today, have not appeared in their own big-screen revival(with the exception of Hulk, who is owned by Universal and probably wouldn't appear anyway). Iron Man is slated to be released next year, and we keep hearing about Thor and -- from time to time -- Captain America, but both Ant-Man and Wasp don't seem to be going anywhere. Will Marvel wait for all of them to have their own films before forging ahead on an Avengers film? Will they wait to see how Iron Man does first? Will they somehow find a way to get Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton (who's tapped to play the Hulk next summer) into an Avengers flick? And what about Justice League? What about Christian Bale and Brandon Routh? While it's still a bit early to begin speculating (HR says the answers could be "years in the making"), the wrong move (or script) could seriously jeopardize some pretty massive franchises. In my opinion, both are pretty huge risks -- and if I were Marvel and Warners, I'd make two really cool CGI flicks instead. Leave the live action stuff alone. But that's just me.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Sopranos
In his only interview after the series finale, creator David Chase said he's doubtful he'll bring Tony & Co. to the big screen, but he wouldn't rule it out if he got a really good idea … in a few years. He added that it would, however, be cool if it ended with the film hitting the projector bulb and bursting into flames.
Ice Age 3
Denis Leary told MTV that he's very excited to be starting voice work on the next sequel soon and would love to make four or five more, because they're a real kids' "money machine." But before he begins, Leary plans to spend the summer hanging around ice cream trucks to shake down little brats for their quarters.
Star Warriors
George Lucas is producing another Star Wars movie, except this one is a documentary about guys who like to dress up like Stormtroopers and perform acts for charity. When these guys say "Give Blood," they mean business.
Vantage Point
In the trailer, the assassination of the President is caught on video by several different sources. There's almost as many cameras covering it as there were covering Paris Hilton being sent back to jail. Almost..
Me and My Monster
We Are Marshall director McG's next film will be about a kid who is befriended by an evil creature that stays with him well into adulthood. Then he gets married and his wife complains that it won't pick up after itself, it hogs the TV and it could at least go to the supermarket and pick up dinner once in a while.
Up
Pixar has revealed, with accompanying image, their 2009 animated film, which will be about a 70-year-old man who fights wild animals and evildoers. Hey, if real-life geezers like Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford can still do it …
Battlestar Galactica
The reason you may not see a film version of the current Sci Fi Channel hit is because original series creator Glen A. Larson still has the rights — and wants to make a movie with all the old actors (sans Lorne Greene, R.I.P). Also, instead of searching for Earth, they're after any planet with a decent Medicare program.
Humpty Dumpty
Controversial director Tony Kaye will be releasing a documentary about his tumultuous time making American History X, which caused him to hold a grudge against star Edward Norton for 10 years. Kaye thinks that's a grudge. I'm still holding one against that little creep who threw rocks at me on the nursery school playground. If I ever find out where he is now, I'm totally kicking his ass.
And now for the review of Surf's Up, starring he voices of Shia LaBeouf, Jeff Bridges, Zooey Deschanel, Jon Heder, James Woods. Finally, at long last, Hollywood has come up with something new and fresh — a penguin movie. Who were we as a people before this? We were in a dark, penguin-less tunnel, suffering, yearning for the adorable comic antics of cold-weather birds and being systematically denied their cuteness. I can breathe again now, my life renewed with joy. Oh, you want to know what this is about? Surfing. A surfing penguin has to find the hero within and compete to become the champion penguin surfer. I'm sure someone in an official capacity will say that this movie was well in production way before March of the Penguins and Happy Feet. But you know what? I don't care. It's too late. Even if it were good, it would be too late. And it's not good. Its way too silly and juvenile for adults; too adult in its approach for kids. It's structured like a mock documentary, complete with explanatory subtitles that identify characters and places. Know any preschool kids who watch documentaries and who are ready for an animated movie full of characters that speak in that offhand, casual, stammering, sentences-full-of-qualifying-clauses way that real doc subjects do? Little kids who can read well above their age level and get the subtlety of deadpan comedy? You do? OK, then I'm wrong. They're going to love it. It just up and dumps the documentary idea whenever it feels like it. Do we need a wacky action sequence where penguins slide around in a cave, finding romance? Then let's have one and completely lose the these-characters-are-talking-directly-to-the-camera point of view while we do it. From 1 to 10, it gets a 4. Logan didn't even like it. Should've seen Knocked Up for real instead.
Well, that's another entry for you. The next entry will be posted next Sunday. After that, I am not sure. This Wednesday we are closing on our new house, so wish us luck on that. Have a good week, and until next time... spread the word, not the turd.
A judge in Washington is suing a dry cleaners for $65 million over his pants that were ruined. He was crying in the court today. I found out he’s crying in court because he’s just gone through a divorce. That’s why his pants are so important to him. I mean he’s just lost his shirt. Steven Spielberg made a big announcement today: He’s endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. And he’s putting her in his new movie, Raiders of the Lost Cause. If you think "The Sopranos” left you feeling cheated, just wait until the end of this blog. Britney Spears in the news. Britney Spears has been telling her friends that she’s planning on getting back together with Kevin Federline. Britney says it wasn’t an easy decision, but she knows in her heart it’s the stupid thing to do. Here’s an odd fact, according to the AARP, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. To which the British said, "See!” I'm British, I could say that. And now, for a new feature called...
UNLUCKY MUSICIANS
And no, the first one isn't my dad because he had me as a son. Keith Richards is regarded as one of rock's most indestructible icons, but on April 27, 2006, the Rolling Stones guitarist proved he was human after all when he fell out of a coconut tree while vacationing in Fiji and suffered a concussion. Richards required surgery to relieve a blood clot in his brain two weeks after the fall, and the Stones were forced to postpone 15 European tour dates. "Keef" made a speedy recovery and the Stones were back to finish their tour in July.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1939
In Versailles, Eugene Weidmann becomes the last person to be publicly guillotined.
1968
Ohio Express' "Yummy Yummy Yummy (I've got love in my tummy)" goes gold.
1972
The "plumbers" break into Democratic National Committee Headquarters in the Watergate complex, in the course of what President Nixon will later describe as a "third rate burglary." In actuality, it is an attempt by the Republican Party to illegally wiretap the opposition.
1994
O.J. Simpson fails to turn himself in to the LAPD at a prearranged time and is later spotted in a white Ford Bronco on a Los Angeles expressway. After a low-speed pursuit through the freeways and streets of Brentwood, O.J. is finally arrested live on television in the driveway of his mansion. According to one of the defense attorneys who served on O.J.'s "Dream Team," Simpson tried to kill himself in the car, but the gun misfired. The Juice allegedly told him: "I pulled the trigger and it didn't go off."
LOCAL GIRLS
SANFORD -- A jury Friday convicted a 32-year-old Deltona woman of twice having sex with a 5-year-old boy while her husband, a professional pornographer, filmed the whole thing. Jurors watched the videotapes Wednesday. They deliberated less than an hour Friday before reaching their verdict. The woman, Kelly Lumadue, now faces a sentence of life in prison without parole. Assistant State Attorney Anna Valentini said that is the only sentence allowed by law for Lumadue's crimes of capital sexual battery. They happened in 1996 at the Longwood-area home Lumadue shared with her husband, Leonard "Bud" Lumadue. He was a house painter but discovered he could make more money in adult entertainment, Kelly Lumadue told a Seminole County deputy during her confession. Leonard Lumadue died of cancer in 2003.
A few months later, she decided to throw away his videotapes, she told the deputy. She put some in a garbage bag and hauled them to the curb. That's where a garbage collector found them, took them home, discovered what they were, then turned them over to authorities. The boy, now a teenager, did not testify. Defense attorney James "Tad" Figgatt said the teenager did not remember the incidents. Figgatt portrayed Kelly Lumadue as a long-suffering victim. Her husband coerced and physically abused her, Figgatt said. Leonard Lumadue pressured her for two months to have sex with the boy, she told the deputy. "It was something that he really, really wanted me to do," she said. She had appeared in Leonard Lumadue's films since she was 17, long before they were married, she said. Back then, he was married to someone else, she said. After the verdict, Lumadue was handcuffed and taken to the Seminole County Jail. She will be sentenced July 27.
HOW TO TELL IF AXL ROSE IS YOUR REAL DAD
When Father's Day comes around, for most of us, that only means one thing... Another day spent pondering that all-too-common question: "Is Axl Rose my real dad?" As front man for the notorious 80's band Guns N Roses, Axl Rose has of course cemented his place in rock music history. And let's be blunt and talk odds here, he's most likely had sex with your mother on numerous occasions. And, knowing your mother, it was probably pretty good. Use the following checklist to determine whether there's any basis to your nagging fear that when Axl Rose sang "Sweet Child O' Mine," he was singing about you. You have no rare blood diseases. It doesn't take a geneticist to know that not having a rare blood disease is hereditary. And it turns out that Axl rose doesn't have any rare blood diseases either. You do the math. Tommy Hilfiger wants nothingto do with you. After the infamous 2006 falling out between Axl Rose and fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger, Tommy vowed to never have anything to do withAxl Rose or anyone associated with him. So Hilfiger's refusal to acknowledge your existence may have deeper meaning than you think. Animals behave strangely around you. It's like they know. Especially tigers and squirrels.
You have never been to The Netherlands. Axl Rose has a legendary hatred for the Dutch, because seriously, fuck those people. You sometimes get poor cell phone reception. Most likely caused by transmissions from Axl Rose's privately-owned secret satellite that he uses to monitor you because he is your real dad and he loves you and wants to keep tabs on you at all times. Even in the cold november rain. And yes, "November Rain" is probably about you, too. You experience unexplained blackouts or time loss. Those lapses in your memory are probably times that Axl Rose took you to a ball game and then hugged you and let you call him "Pa," but your subconscious erased the memory because it was just too fucking awesome for your conscious mind to handle. Court-ordered paternity tests proved that neither Randy “Macho Man” Savage, Snake Plissken, or Matthew McConaughey are your real dad.
It's called “Process of Elimination.” One time, you had this really weird dream.
It was about how Axl Rose came to your high school and told everybody he was your real dad and then your fake dad showed up and Axl Rose hit him in the face with a folding chair and then stood over your fake dad's prone form shrieking "Welcome to the jungle, baby! You gonna die!"and then he totally had sex with your mom while everyone cheered. Possibly a secret message transmitted to your brain from Axl Rose's aforementioned satellite. You spent $38,000 on a life-sized replica doll with over a hundred points of articulation custom made to look, feel and smell exactly like Axl Rose. And when you position its arms to gently hold you, no place in the world feels safer. You own the only known hard copy of Chinese Democracy.
And there's a note on the cover, written in permanent marker, reading: Hey bud, enough fucking around. I'm your dad, okay? Love, Daddy Axl.
SHARPENING AXES
Jeremy Bulloch (born February 16, 1945 in Market Harborough, Leicestershire) is a British actor. He has appeared in numerous British TV and film productions, including "Doctor Who" and "Robin of Sherwood". In a career spanning almost half a century, he is perhaps most famous for his minor role as Boba Fett in the Star Wars films The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He also has a minor role in two James Bond films as Smithers, an assistant to Q. In 1962, he starred alongside Cliff Richard in the hit musical Summer Holiday. Bulloch has also appeared in two "Doctor Who" stories, "The Space Museum" and "The Time Warrior". In recent years, due to the release of the new Star Wars films, he is frequently invited to Science Fiction conventions throughout the world. In 2004, he published a limited edition memoir, "Flying Solo", which is a humorous account of his personal and professional life, interspersed with tales from the convention circuit. In 2005, he once again made an appearance in a Star Wars film, this time playing Captain Colton in Revenge of the Sith. Recently he played a small cameo role in Star Wars fanfilms Order of the Sith: Vengeance and its sequel Downfall - Order of the Sith - alongside David Prowse and Michael Sheard. These fanfilms were made in England in support of Save the Children. Check out his website at Jeremybulloch.com.
NUTTED BY REALITY
To the producer's credit, we finally have a format for "On The Lot", and it appears we're sticking with it. We also seem to have hit upon a trend with easy on the eyes but hard on the ears host Adriana Costa. I could be wrong, but it appears her outfit gets a little skimpier every week. If I'm right, somewhere around week 10 Fox's ratings are going to kill in this time slot since it's likely Adriana will have her outfit whittled down to a couple of squares of toilet paper held together by some fishing line. Until that glorious moment, we're stuck in the present, and that's where we learned Trever and Hilary were the two contestants that America liked the least last week. I have to agree with the country's opinion as the two of them definitely had the weakest films. In the event you didn't catch the show, instead of telling you right off who was sent home, I'm going to create some faux suspense and wait until the end to divulge this information. I'm only doing it because it works so well on the show. Also, tonight's guest judge is The Devil Wears Prada director David Frankel. He won an Academy Award back in 1997, and he has a pretty impressive IMDB filmography page. This was a huge step up from Michael Bay, who has most notably been nominated for a couple of Razzies. Trever ended up going home. I think he should have stayed on the merits of his golf film, but I didn't even vote last week so I can't complain much. I couldn't really tell if I was just in a bad mood Tuesday night or if the film offerings this week just weren't all that impressive. What do you think? Next week another director goes home and Adriana Costa pushes the limits of decency in prime time television. See you then.
HEROES
"Alias'" Sark to join "Heroes?" Obviously I mean the actor, David Anders. But wouldn't it be beyond cool to see the character of Sark show up on "Heroes"? Maybe he got some sort of power from being so close to all that Rambaldi business. Maybe he can have the power to impersonate anyone's voice exactly (Anders is actually from Oregon but does a British accent perfectly). Kristin over on E! is reporting that Anders is under negotiations to join the NBC hit this fall. He would play a new character named Kane, though there are no other details about the character. Of course, it's not a done deal, but it would be fantastic if this actually happened.
GEEK TALK
In an article which talks about The Avengers and Justice League projects, the "Hollywood Reporter" tells us that Kieran Mulroney and Michele Mulroney have submitted such a great draft of their Justice League script that Warner Bros. is now searching for a director. Meanwhile, Zak Penn (who is slated to pen Avengers) has not started his script yet, and based on a conversation last month, he won't be doing so anytime soon. However, if Warner Bros. begins to heat up their Justice League project, perhaps Marvel Studios will begin putting some pressure on Penn to write a draft. So far, there's no word on which characters are being included in either script, although some sources have alluded to the fact that both Superman and Batman will be in Justice League, even though Warners is already knee-deep in reviving both franchises separately on the big screen. Avengers, on the otherhand, include a bunch of characters who, as of today, have not appeared in their own big-screen revival(with the exception of Hulk, who is owned by Universal and probably wouldn't appear anyway). Iron Man is slated to be released next year, and we keep hearing about Thor and -- from time to time -- Captain America, but both Ant-Man and Wasp don't seem to be going anywhere. Will Marvel wait for all of them to have their own films before forging ahead on an Avengers film? Will they wait to see how Iron Man does first? Will they somehow find a way to get Robert Downey Jr. and Edward Norton (who's tapped to play the Hulk next summer) into an Avengers flick? And what about Justice League? What about Christian Bale and Brandon Routh? While it's still a bit early to begin speculating (HR says the answers could be "years in the making"), the wrong move (or script) could seriously jeopardize some pretty massive franchises. In my opinion, both are pretty huge risks -- and if I were Marvel and Warners, I'd make two really cool CGI flicks instead. Leave the live action stuff alone. But that's just me.
MOVIE BUZZ
The Sopranos
In his only interview after the series finale, creator David Chase said he's doubtful he'll bring Tony & Co. to the big screen, but he wouldn't rule it out if he got a really good idea … in a few years. He added that it would, however, be cool if it ended with the film hitting the projector bulb and bursting into flames.
Ice Age 3
Denis Leary told MTV that he's very excited to be starting voice work on the next sequel soon and would love to make four or five more, because they're a real kids' "money machine." But before he begins, Leary plans to spend the summer hanging around ice cream trucks to shake down little brats for their quarters.
Star Warriors
George Lucas is producing another Star Wars movie, except this one is a documentary about guys who like to dress up like Stormtroopers and perform acts for charity. When these guys say "Give Blood," they mean business.
Vantage Point
In the trailer, the assassination of the President is caught on video by several different sources. There's almost as many cameras covering it as there were covering Paris Hilton being sent back to jail. Almost..
Me and My Monster
We Are Marshall director McG's next film will be about a kid who is befriended by an evil creature that stays with him well into adulthood. Then he gets married and his wife complains that it won't pick up after itself, it hogs the TV and it could at least go to the supermarket and pick up dinner once in a while.
Up
Pixar has revealed, with accompanying image, their 2009 animated film, which will be about a 70-year-old man who fights wild animals and evildoers. Hey, if real-life geezers like Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford can still do it …
Battlestar Galactica
The reason you may not see a film version of the current Sci Fi Channel hit is because original series creator Glen A. Larson still has the rights — and wants to make a movie with all the old actors (sans Lorne Greene, R.I.P). Also, instead of searching for Earth, they're after any planet with a decent Medicare program.
Humpty Dumpty
Controversial director Tony Kaye will be releasing a documentary about his tumultuous time making American History X, which caused him to hold a grudge against star Edward Norton for 10 years. Kaye thinks that's a grudge. I'm still holding one against that little creep who threw rocks at me on the nursery school playground. If I ever find out where he is now, I'm totally kicking his ass.
And now for the review of Surf's Up, starring he voices of Shia LaBeouf, Jeff Bridges, Zooey Deschanel, Jon Heder, James Woods. Finally, at long last, Hollywood has come up with something new and fresh — a penguin movie. Who were we as a people before this? We were in a dark, penguin-less tunnel, suffering, yearning for the adorable comic antics of cold-weather birds and being systematically denied their cuteness. I can breathe again now, my life renewed with joy. Oh, you want to know what this is about? Surfing. A surfing penguin has to find the hero within and compete to become the champion penguin surfer. I'm sure someone in an official capacity will say that this movie was well in production way before March of the Penguins and Happy Feet. But you know what? I don't care. It's too late. Even if it were good, it would be too late. And it's not good. Its way too silly and juvenile for adults; too adult in its approach for kids. It's structured like a mock documentary, complete with explanatory subtitles that identify characters and places. Know any preschool kids who watch documentaries and who are ready for an animated movie full of characters that speak in that offhand, casual, stammering, sentences-full-of-qualifying-clauses way that real doc subjects do? Little kids who can read well above their age level and get the subtlety of deadpan comedy? You do? OK, then I'm wrong. They're going to love it. It just up and dumps the documentary idea whenever it feels like it. Do we need a wacky action sequence where penguins slide around in a cave, finding romance? Then let's have one and completely lose the these-characters-are-talking-directly-to-the-camera point of view while we do it. From 1 to 10, it gets a 4. Logan didn't even like it. Should've seen Knocked Up for real instead.
Well, that's another entry for you. The next entry will be posted next Sunday. After that, I am not sure. This Wednesday we are closing on our new house, so wish us luck on that. Have a good week, and until next time... spread the word, not the turd.
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