Sunday, June 24, 2007

We're Doomed!

Hello, and welcome to the most updated blog on the internet. I am your host, JP-POO-POO. The last few days I worked with Anthony Daniels who played C-3PO in the Star Wars movies. At first I thought he was an arrogant prick, but by today I realized he was just a misunderstood diva. He thanked me and said I was one of the most professional people he ever worked with. Boy, was he fooled. This week, Ozzie Osbourne sold his mansion in Los Angeles. Ozzie said he had to sell the house because he said, "I could never find it.”
Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs "The Sopranos.” Hillary’s calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal health.
It’s been reported that Nightmare on Elm Street Director Wes Craven is suing Pauly Shore. That’s right — the man who gave you nightmares is being sued by Wes Craven. On Tuesday a top aide to Rudy Giuliani was busted for possessing and distributing cocaine. When asked about it, Giuliani said, "Cocaine? I asked him to get me Rogaine.” A new comic book has come out that features Latino superheroes. Apparently, they leap over the border in a single bound. Jail officials in England found a cell phone hidden in a prisoner’s rear end. Prison officials became suspicious when they heard the inmate saying, "I’m gonna lose you. My cell phone’s about to go into a tunnel.” Earlier this week, Paula Abdul celebrated her 45th birthday. Unfortunately, when Paula blew out the birthday candles, her breath caught fire and scorched a two-block radius. According to a new poll, 15 percent of Americans say that Hillary Clinton gives them the creeps. The other 85 percent say she gives them the willies or the heebie jeebies. The White House announced that this summer, President Bush plans to meet with the Mexican president. The two presidents will meet in the capitol of Mexico, Los Angeles. The FDA announced the new fat blocking drug, Alli, can cause gas and diarrhea. The pill comes in three forms: pills, capsules, and chimichangas. Barack Obama’s Secret Service code name is "Renegade.” Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is still using her old Secret Service code name, "Ballbuster.” Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback kicked off a 1,200 mile campaign trip in Iowa. Brownback said, "I’m not going to stop until I find someone who knows who the hell I am.” Bob Barker has now retired. He has endorsed Rosie O’Donnell to become the host of "The Price Is Right.” If she takes the job, Rosie will end each show by saying, "Please remember to spay or neuter Donald Trump.” Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and allows users to search the Internet while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a rain storm. What could possibly go wrong? The Iranian parliament has passed a law calling for the execution of all Iranian porn stars. Of course, in Iran, a porn movie is any movie where a woman exposes her chin. It’s been reported that during the brief period that Paris Hilton was out of jail, she received a consultation from Michael Jackson’s plastic surgeon. Michael's plastic surgeon told Paris, "There’s nothing I can do for you. You’re already a white lady.” And finally, did you hear about the new movie on the Disney Channel? "Home School Musical."


On Feb. 1, during the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime Show, 140 million people watched as Justin Timberlake tore off part of Janet Jackson's corset, exposing her right breast. Janet claimed that the incident was the result of a "wardrobe malfunction," but that wasn't enough to get her off the hook. She was criticized for months following the incident and was banned from attending that year's Grammy awards. Justin was allowed to attend the ceremony after agreeing to apologize on air.


In a sudden outbreak of Dancing Mania (aka "St. John's Dance"), people in the streets of Aix-la-Chapelle, Prussia experience terrible hallucinations and begin to jump and twitch uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. Many of the sufferers are afflicted with frothing at the mouth, diabolical screaming, and sexual frenzy. The phenomenon lasts well into the month of July. Nowadays, ergot madness is suspected as being the ultimate cause of the disorder.
Businessman pilot Kenneth Arnold encounters a formation of nine flying saucers near Mt. Ranier, Washington, exhibiting unusual movements and velocities of 1,700 mph. No explanation is found for this first report of flying saucers in the recent era, but it does earn Mr. Arnold legions of skeptics and an eventual IRS tax audit.
East Germany blockades the city of West Berlin.
The U.S. Supreme Court rules that obscenity is not protected by the First Amendment, though a dissenting opinion included with the ruling notes the issue of prior restraint renders this a terrible decision.
Yale computer science professor Dr. David Gelernter opens a padded envelope in his office when it suddenly explodes. Gelernter loses the sight in one eye, the hearing in one ear, and part of his right hand. In this condition he manages to walk down five flights of stairs and over to the university hospital a block away. It is the handiwork of the Unabomber.


Bernard Manning: And take Archie, Eli, and Peyton with you.
Mr. Wizard Don Herbert: Mr. Withered.
Hank Medress: In the coffin, the buried coffin, Hank Medress sleeps tonight.
Bob Evans: didn't know he was real, let alone alive. Talk about a low profile!
Roger Armstrong (Bugs Bunny Cartoonist): So the Doc replies, "What's up is you're having a heart attack"
Rod Beck:
Beck. It's German for 'dead'.


Anthony Kingsley Daniels (born February 21, 1946 in Salisbury, England), and educated at Giggleswick School, is an English actor best known for his role as the droid C-3PO in the Star Wars series of films made between 1977 and 2005. It is interesting to note that Daniels and Kenny Baker (who played R2-D2 in the series) are the only actors credited as playing the same role in all six of the Star Wars films. Daniels has been politically active in the United Kingdom, but he has kept his politics and his professional life completely separate. Quoted in the "Examiner", Kenny Baker described Anthony Daniels as standoffish. Baker and Daniels have been feuding for three decades. Daniels, now 61, was never friendly to the other actors in the film, either. "Anthony doesn't mix at all," says Baker. "He keeps to himself." A gossip magazine, "Popbitch", quoted Daniels as saying in make-up: "the mask does not go on until the dwarf is in the can". He is 5'9" (1.75 m). As C-3PO he has planted his 'metal' footprints in the courtyard pavement of Mann's (formerly Graumans's) Chinese Theatre. Anthony Daniels was never a science fiction fan. The only science fiction movie he ever saw in a theatre was 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968). He was so dissatisfied with the movie that he walked out after only ten minutes and demanded his money back. He was the only cast member of the Star Wars trilogy to voice his character in all three episodes of National Public Radio's dramatizations of the Star Wars trilogy (while Mark Hamill voiced Luke Skywalker for both A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, and Billy Dee Williams voiced Lando Calrissian for The Empire Strikes Back, when the Return of the Jedi adaptation was recorded many years later, Hamill and Williams were replaced by Joshua Fardon and Arye Gross, respectively). Daniels also contributed the foreword to the collected scripts of the Return of the Jedi radio drama, as their author Brian Daley died just as the episodes were being recorded. Daniels' other Star Wars-related writings include the Wonder Column for Star Wars Insider magazine and a comic book adventure for C-3PO and R2-D2 entitled the Protocol Offensive, published by Dark Horse Comics. As C-3PO, he has the honour of saying the first line in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope, first released in 1977 and part of what is known as the Original Trilogy, and the last line in Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith, released in 2005 and part of the Prequel Trilogy. In The Phantom Menace, Daniels did the voice work for the character but did not appear in the movie. In 2002's Episode II: Attack of the Clones and 2005's Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, he returned to the screen (in costume) and dubbed the vocal tracks for some scenes that used CGI.


Cut and paste for the two clips. (during the Ray Park spot you can see me) (during the Jeremy Bulloch you can see me as well)


I'm pretty sure Fox has an intern whose sole job is to check the web every Wednesday morning to see what the bloggers and web magazines had to say about the previous night's episode of "On The Lot". I say this because it feels like the producers take the online criticism into account and have been making little adjustments here and there to try and make the show a little bit better. For instance, this week Adriana Costa cut right to the chase and let us know that Marty was going home. For this I applaud the network, not only because Marty was getting terribly annoying, but because the "we're not telling you who is leaving until after the break" stuff was equally as annoying. So, if there is some Fox intern out there who hates himself enough to read my weekly musings on the show, I have a minor suggestion for next week's episode.
Get rid of all the contestants except Sam, Adam, Andrew, Will, and Zach and let the five of them duke it out with 10 minute film skirmishes for the rest of the season.
I'm not saying that the rest of the directors are bad. I'm just saying that the rest of the directors aren't very good and it would save us all a lot of time since it's pretty clear (in my mind anyways) that the five I mentioned make the best films. At the very least, if Fox insists on sticking with the "4 or 5 contestants show their films" direction they've had the last three weeks, they should level things out a bit. I propose that one director writes a script each week and all the other directors create a film from that script. This would give America a better basis to make judgments on cinematography, creative vision, and the performances the directors were able to elicit from the actors among other things. If anything, I think it'd be interesting to see how the film makers interpret the same piece of material. The format for the last three weeks was working for me for a while, but I find myself getting really bored all of a sudden. I'm not an advocate of a show changing mid-season, and I've griped about it the numerous times it's occurred already, but I'm begging for this last change - or something like it - to keep me interested. I'm fading fast, and the lackluster film offerings from the last few weeks aren't helping. Okay, I'm done griping. The venerable Wes Craven was this weeks guest judge.


Although Zak Penn has said that he won't start writing an Avengers script anytime soon, that might be changing. According to AICN, Marvel is taking the first step toward integrating the superhero universe on the big screen by potentially laying down the foundation for an Avengers movie during next summer's Iron Man. That's right, apparently Nick Fury will be introduced as a character in the film, and he'll be played by none other than Samuel L. Jackson. Are you drooling yet? While it's still in the rumor stages, all signs point to this being a reality -- in fact, on Fury's Wikipedia page, it already mentions the fact that Sam Jackson is playing the character in the upcoming Iron Man film. So there's two sources, both with the same information -- and AICN claims Jackson is shooting his scenes this week. Also on the Wikipedia page it says that the Ultimate Nick Fury was modeled after Samuel L. Jackson, with the actor's permission. So it would totally make sense for Jackson to be interested in the role. Additionally, Iron Man is one of the Marvel-related films that is being developed from scratch by Marvel Enterprises (and not some random studio), which means it's more likely that they'll not only take chances, but also give the die hard fans want they want. We're not sure if Fury's involvement here means there won't be an entire Nick Fury movie at some point, or if the character will only appear once before showing up in an Avengers movie. Jackson is cool and all, but the dude is not getting any younger -- so I imagine an Avengers flick would have to happen within the next five years. Seeing as it looks like they're going with the Ultimate version of Fury, they'll most likely use the storyline of him beinga Gulf War veteran and spy. I'm not sure how they'll work in a meeting between Fury and Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), but at some point Fury becomes the General of S.H.I.E.L.D. and leader of The Ultimates, or Avengers. Will all that be set up in Iron Man? Will they officially announce Jackson's participation at the upcoming San Diego ComicCon? Guess we'll have to wait to find out. In the meantime, what do you think about all this?


Bond 22
Finding Neverland's Marc Forster has been tapped as the director of the next James Bond sequel. In it, James will discover he's only the creation of writer Ian Fleming and start hanging out with little boys who inspire him to not hurt people anymore.
Ridley Scott is said to be directing a film based on the classic board game. Donald Trump was angling for the role of Top Hat until producers realized there'd be no way to get a fedora big enough to cover his comb-over. He may have to settle for Thimble.
Eli Roth says he won't be working on his upcoming adaptation of the Stephen King novel anytime soon, since Hostel: Part II bombed so badly. In other news, at a touch football game with friends over the weekend, Eli claimed someone slapped him on the back too hard, so he promptly took his ball and went home.
Jay and Seth vs. the Apocalypse
In either an actual trailer or just an online joke, potty-mouthed Knocked Up stars Seth Rogen and Jay Baruchel are trapped together in an apartment after the end of the world. I'm hoping that not only does it become a real film but that they release it with scratch-'n'-sniff cards. These guys look rank.
For those still hoping for a big-screen adaptation of the classic TV drama, John Travolta recently stated that he's talking to a director to make it a reality. He also added that he no longer wants to star as J.R. Ewing but will instead take the part as a fat Sue Ellen.
Beverly Hills Cop 4
Producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura is trying to get another sequel off the ground but is doubtful he can still get an R rating because of Eddie Murphy's new family-friendly image. Hey, if he wants tips on how to make an R-rated film, he should contact the producers of The Shield.
3:10 to Yuma
Russell Crowe and Christian Bale try to outbadass each other in the violent, Old West trailer. In one scene, Crowe bursts into Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory just so he can throw the first ever telephone at Christian.
The Cat Burglars
Wallace & Gromit animators Aardman Features has said their next film about stray cats who steal milk will be like a "family-friendly Tarantino" movie. So, the animated felines will sit around and talk about how The Aristocats is an underrated masterpiece for an hour before pulling off a heist?
In the teaser trailer, a little trash-compacting robot has big dreams of going into space. I just better make sure I don't take my in-sink garbage-disposal unit to see it so it doesn't get any funny ideas.

And now for the review of Fantastic Four: Rise Of The Silver Surfer
. Starring Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Andre Braugher, Julian McMahon, Kerry Washington. Mr. Fantastic stretches, Invisble Woman disappears, Human Torch burns and the Thing yells and lifts stuff all over again as a couple of new nemesises (nemesi?) try to kill the planet. Silly bad guys. Don't you know you're dealing with the Fantastic Four? Now I know whyt they call Rise of the Silver Surfer. I was rising to when I saw Jessica Alba laying naked in the street. Unlike the comic book they turned Galactus into a cloud. A fluffy little cloud. Ready to go burn down some movie theaters now, Nerds? As for the rest of you, the Silver Surfer is the money shot in this one, but the truth is that his character is really just the herald for this Galactus guy who devours planets. In the comic books, Galactus is a being who speaks in a kind of Fancy English and says pompous, third-person stuff like: "What are brief, unimportant lives to Galactus?" Here, he isn't even a he, and he just goes "whooosh" a lot, like if a slow-moving tornado hit the whole planet. Growing up, I was a big Silver Surfer fan so seeing him in the movie was the best part for me. They defintely left it open for a Silver Surfer spin-off movie. From 1 to 10, I give it a 9.

Well, that's it for another entry, Phans. Today was the last day working at Star Wars Weekends, which was sad. I want to thank Julie, Diane, Jerry, Paul, Meg and Mike for making itso much fun these four weeks. The next entry should be this Thursday, but with us moving and everything, something might come up. In the meantime, do yourselves a favor and go to Gator's Dockside restaurant and try their Monte Cristo sandwiches. You'll be thanking me later. Spread the word, not the turd.

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