Hello, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday from Clermont Comic Con for the third year. How are you? Do you have a super power? Mine is picking the slowest moving line at the grocery store. My other super power is not touching anything in a public bathroom. I saw Iron Man here earlier... he showed me all it takes to be a superhero is brains, billions of dollars and galling misogyny. You know, sometimes I think there could be another me, in some other universe with awesome powers. But we can't be buds, 'cause he must think I'm a loser. Do I hear an awe? Haha.
Even in the divided state our country is in, we can at least all agree on loving "Stranger Things." It's weird, scary, nostalgic, adorable, and if nothing else, a great opportunity to see Winona Ryder fully freaking out. That's why, when beloved star of the show, 14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown, posted this on Instagram, fans freaked out...
Millie, why are you sad... if... the show is going to come back? IT'S COMING BACK, RIGHT? Millie, why are you crying? TELL US WHY YOU'RE CRYING. David Harbour, who plays Chief Hopper, also posted a solemn farewell...
Someone better clear this up because nobody is ready to the part with this very bizarre, beautiful show just yet. Don't we have to wait until it goes on so long that all the kids are fully adults and it's awkward that we're pretending they're still in high school when they can all legally drink? I don't want it to go out with a bang, I want it to create at least four more upside downs before I have to stop watching it, for my own sanity. Stay with us, Eleven, we need you!
Just in time for the holidays, a conservative toy company (presumably the same one that made Jeff Sessions) is selling a fake Lego kit perfect for all the immigrant-hating kindergarteners in your life!
This toy is not for sharing. Sharing is socialism. Keep and Bear, a website that specializes in conservative-themed tchotchkes, is selling their own special Lego knockoff called MAGA, where kids can indulge their xenophobic fantasies and build that wall. Featuring sombrero-clad "Mexicans" and an angry man with tiny hands who must be President Trump, this Build The Wall set is perfect for children who want to reduce government spending unless it's for a multi-billion dollar monument cutting through peoples' private property in the Southwest! It only costs $29.95 and a moral compass! The toys were hyped up on "Fox and Friends," where they want to start 'em young. The political messaging doesn't stop there! The product's description misrepresents the asylum-seeking process and says, "The wall must be built. The wall will keep America safe and strong. Only then will we be able to help those in need." The toy is getting roasted for being both racist and boring. It appears that conservatives aren't the only ones getting political with Lego. One thing's for sure: I certainly know who's on the Naughty List this year.
People Magazine recently crowned Idris Elba the Sexiest Man Alive, and objective truth that is finally getting the treatment it deserves. Elba's sexiness, however, does not really translate into doll form, as a British doll company made a $1100 action figure of the star and it looks like it's from a stop-motion horror movie.
This isn't Idris Elba... it's the love child of Jafar and RuPaul. This doll will definitely murder you in your sleep. The Sexiest Man Alive deserves better!!! Photos of the doll went viral on Twitter, as fans tried to guess who the doll actually is. It certainly isn't Idris. Elba joins an esteemed club of celebrities who have been done dirty by artisans. The Independent reports that Emperis stands by their doll, and according to the company, only seventeen of the dolls with the "flesh-like feel" remain. I'd hate to know what people are doing with them.
When it comes to the ongoing traumatization of America, 2018 won't quit! One of the current spectacles traumatizing citizens across the land is the full-length deeply psychologically scarring advertisement for Trumpy Bear. Here it is...
For those unacquainted with this furry terror, Trumpy bear can be purchased with two simple payments of $19.95, wears the president's trademark toupee and tie, keeps an American flag in his bear booty, and fully looks like he spies on your in your sleep for NSA. While the bear, and his accompanying advertisement (some would dub it a short horror film) has existed since 2017, Fox News just started airing the advertisement this week! This fresh wave of exposure has made Trumpy Bear the talk of the town, and by "the talk of the town" I mean thousands of people are mystified at the unironic nature of this bonkers ad. Have we all collectively taken acid without realizing it?! There are so many key reveals in this ad it's hard to pick a favorite moment. Picking out the worst and most impactful aspect of Trumpy Bear is like picking the best dialogue in The Room, it's frankly a tall order. Normally I'm fully against body-shaming, but everything about Trumpy Bear's body is a crime against humanity. HIS BUTT LITERALLY CLENCHES THE AMERICAN FLAG! HE IS WEARING A TOUPEE AND FAKE TRUMP BROWS! THIS IS AN ASSAULT ON THE EYES. Not to mention the horrific things his spirit stands for (yes, in this case stuffed animals have spirits). So many of the jokes here make themselves. Naturally, the realists among us pointed out the ways Trumpy Bear could more accurately represent his fascist forefather. I have no doubt scores of Americans have already been haunted by Trumpy Bear-themed nightmares.
There are few things sadder than having your child murdered in school and your government refuse to do anything about it because their campaigns are funded by the National Rifle Association, which blocks legislation that would comprise their mission of making gun manufacturers money. One of the tragedies is losing access to unlimited free coffee at work. The Trace, a non-profit that focuses on addressing gun violence with solutions other than "more guns," is reporting that the NRA's headquarters in Fairfax, Virginia no longer offers free coffee and water coolers to employees in order to cut down on costs. "The coffee cutback is the just latest indication that the NRA is hurting for cash. Membership revenue declined by $35 million last year, and the NRA recently rolled out its second dues increase in as many years," The Trace adds. People who aren't fond of gun violence are reveling in the schadenfreude and sending their thoughts and prayers. According to The Trace, NRA employees are "freaking out" after seeing their beloved free coffee so senselessly murdered. Coffeegate comes on the heels of a Rolling Stone report that the mass murder fan club's financial woes have gotten so bad, the group might be soon "unable to exist." The young people will win.
Are you scared of bugs? I am not really, unless they're in my apartment. I am so glad I never got a letter like this...
Yeesh. So, do you remember this scene from one of the Star Wars movies?
Did you ever wonder where Ki-Adi-Mundi was really? Well, I will show you...
Hahahahaha. Did you ever get a mean note from your neighbor? I am so glad I don't have a rooster or I'd get a not like this...
There's some great toys being sold at the convention this year, and some good bargains. Like this one...
Hahaha. There's so many pics that are photoshopped nowadays, when you see a pic that is real and not photoshopped it's hard to believe. Like this pic...
This was the first photo of a living fetus taken with an endoscope in a woman's uterus in 1965. Have you heard about the new movie coming out called Pokémon: Detective Pikachu. I was lucky enough to get the original sketch of what Pikachu was supposed to look like...
Whatcha think? I heard they are gonna for a more cute look for him. You know there was a recount here in Florida for the elections, right? Did you see who was there to help?
So, apparently the new Avengers movie's title is gonna be from a line that was said in one of the MCU movies. I think I know what it is...
Good name, right? Sometimes times people get their asses saved by a total stranger. Not all humans are the worst. Like this man who gave the last generator at Lowe's to a woman who needed to it for her father's oxygen supply during Hurricane Irma.
Do you like dogs? I do, but some dogs could be such jerks. Check this one out...
If he could talk he'd say, ""I thought there was a ghost in there." Ha. If I hd a TARDIS I would like go to see an exotic dancer demonstrating that her underwear was too large to have exposed herself, after undercover police officers arrested her here in Florida...
So, one of the best things about Internet is you can look at porn pics so free and easy. The problem is you could get in trouble, so I thought I'd make it easy for you. A porn pic where you can't get in trouble looking at...
You're welcome, everybody.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, last time I was here at the Clermont Comic Con I introduced you to a new superhero. You already now there's a Captain America, Captain Britain, Captain Caveman, Captain Marvel... well, please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hey, Captain, welcome back to the Phile. How are you doing?
Captain Clermont: I'm doing great, my friend.
Me: So, tell us something about you. What superhero powers do you have?
Captain Clermont: Well, I have the power to teleport myself to the exact same location.
Me: Ummm... I don't know how that will work.
Captain Clermont: See, I'm here, I'm gone and now I'm back. I also have the power to shoot three cotton balls from my hands every ten days.
Me: Really? Hmmm. Let's see.
Captain Clermont: Sorry, I did it this morning.
Me: Oh. Anything else?
Captain Clermont: I have the power to hold my breath under water unless I'm wet.
Me: Ugh. That makes no sense, Captain. Any others?
Captain Clermont: Yes! I have he power to be 13% bullet proof.
Me: Thirteen percent? Where is that?
Captain Clermont: I don't know. I've never been shot at.
Me: Oh.
Captain Clermont: I'd love to stay but I have to go save someone at the local Panera Bread. A heroes work is never done. Bye.
Me: Bye, Captain. Captain Clermont, kids. Hey, wanna play a game, everyone? Let's play...
"The whole world must learn of our peaceful ways, by force!" Who said it? Trump or Bender?
I know there's a lot of "Star Trek" fans at the convention here, so I bet you guys will like this. The 90th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
William Shatner will be the guest on the Phile in a few weeks. Cool, right? So, there's a law firm here in Central Florida and one of the partners of the firm wanted to come on and say something. So, please welcome back to the Phile...
Me: Hey, Sid, welcome back to the Phile. How are you?
Sid: Pretty damn good, Jason. There's a lotta nerds here.
Me: They're not nerds. Well, some of them are. So, what do you wanna say?
Sid: Well, this guy was a real asshole and his wife tried to save him a lot of money during the divorce. They have three kids who were sixteen, thirteen, and eight. The guy wouldn't sign ANY agreement I produced. It had to be his idea and from his lawyer or it wasn't getting signed. His lawyer was incompetent and sends an agreement that states he will pay $2,000 a month in child support until all kids are eighteen. My client tried to explain to him that it needed to be revised to lower every time a child turned eighteen. He called my client a cunt during that negotiation so she said fuck it and signed the agreement and he paid the $2,000 a month for ten years when he should've been paying around $1,400 a month for five years and $700 month for the last five years.
Me: Okay. That's crazy. So, why are you telling us this?
Sid: I just wanna say that provides another reason why you should never, ever use the C-word.
Me: Ummm... true. Sid Suetha, kids, from the law firm Suetha, Buggerz & Wynn. Now for some...
Phact 1. Although Superman remains the most well-known superhero in the world, Batman holds the title for most appearances, which currently stands at around 6250.
Phact 2. Comic Sans MS, the one font that is hated all over the Internet, was based on the lettering used in the The Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen graphic novels.
Phact 3. The Flash gave his superpowers to himself. During the “Crisis on Infinite Earths” crossover comic, he ran so fast that he turned into pure energy, traveled back in time and hit himself as the very bolt of lightning that gave him his superpowers in the first place.
Phact 4. Aquaman’s arch-enemy, the Black Manta, only became a super villain because Aquaman didn’t succeed in rescuing him after he was captured by pirates.
Phact 5. The Green Lantern and Wonder Woman were supposed to become a love couple, but that was scratched in the 70s when DC received a letter by a fan that suggested the same idea. Due to legal reasons, this prohibited DC Comics from moving forward with the idea.
This is so cool... today's pheatured guest is is an American actor, voice actor and a former president of the Screen Actors Guild. Please welcome to the Phile... Ed Asner.
Me: Hello, sir, it's just a real honor to have you on the Phile. How are you?
Ed: I'm good, Jason, thank you.
Me: So, I have to ask you, sir, what were you like when you were a kid?
Ed: The usual. Bullies, friends, mouthing off to the bullies. Seeing difference economics of life.
Me: Did you go to the movies a lot when you were a kid?
Ed: No. Jason, of course I did. Is the air breathable?
Me: Haha. So, what were some of your favorite films?
Ed: Snow White was monumental. Dumbo was absolutely fantastic. Gulliver's Travels. Ferdinand the Bull was the greatest thing in the world.
Me: My mum was a big "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" fan and I remember watching that with her. What was it like working with Mary? By the way, I got to meet her once in New York when she was filming something with Bernadette Peters. I went over to them both and said hi, and they were really nice to my son who was little at the time.
Ed: She was the consummate actress. She was the perfect numero uno, she gave up herself all the time. The lunch hours were filled with belly lessons. Never complained, if she did it wasn't to me. She enabled every one of the loonies on her show to award and capture the affection of the audience. She was big enough to open up all the way.
Me: Do you think she opened up a lot of doors?
Ed: Yep. I'll be nothing without her.
Me: Do you think the show holds up now all these years later, Ed?
Ed: Yeah.
Me: I was looking at your bio and I saw you did an episode of "Alfred Hitchcock's Presents." What was it like working with Hitchcock?
Ed: I did two with Alfred Hitchcock. If that was the hour show it was with Bradford Dillman I believe. I can't think of who the second lead male was. Whoever it was couldn't be bigger than Bradford. There was no problems with Hitchcock, we worked well together. That's the one with the rotten kid. I don't remember any troubles or problems. Whenever you first heard of Hitchcock or saw any of his movies I am sure I enjoyed him before that.
Me: Did you ever hear the story of Walt Disney banning Alfred Hitchcock from Disneyland because he thought The Birds wasn't a quality movie?
Ed: What was wrong with the picture?
Me: He might've thought it was too bloody and too violent maybe. I wondered if you ever heard that story.
Ed: He must've been getting senile at that time. It wasn't that bloody. I think Walt must've been frightened of birds.
Me: Hahaha. Maybe. So, you have done a lot of voice over work, sir. You were trained by Patrick Fraley, am I right?
Ed: I worked with him, yes.
Me: What was that like working with him? And tell the readers who he is.
Ed: Well, he's a hillbilly that really knows how to talk. He has special classes which he would include me in as a subsidiary teacher. I'd make a little cash money and do it. He knows how to dot the I's and dot the T's.
Me: Hahaha. That's funny. I'm supposed to have him on the Phile soon. Is there anything I should ask him, sir?
Ed: Ask him if he got over the smell.
Me: Haha. I sure will. What was your first voice over job and what was that like?
Ed: Hoggish Greedly on "Captain Planet." I went all out if you could tell. The key for me was inventing that laugh which was a pig grunt. The rest of it was was, I have always been overweight so I could identify with the pudginess of the character. The ferocious appetite he demonstrated was just like me. So, it wasn't a stretch.
Me: Ahhh. I have never seen "Captain Planet," so I have no idea what you are talking about. Hahaha. Where are you originally from, sir?
Ed: How can you not know I come from Kansas?
Me: Good point. Okay, you also did a role on another cartoon I never saw... "Freakazoid." What was it like working on that show?
Ed: The one thing about working on "Freakazoid" was everyone was so young around me. What I learned from the get go was I was the one to prove the oomph. Playing Sergeant Cosgrove I got to relax and watch the other loonies. It was a clever show, a very clever show. I run into fans of it all over the place and it's a good break through into the world of imaginary people.
Me: Not long ago we were playing in the break room at work Disney's "Gargoyle's" which I saw a few episodes. On that show you had a Scottish accent. Was that hard to do?
Ed: Yeah, that became an obsession with me. The accent was always a big question or a big if for me. Most people seemed satisfied.
Me: Have you done other accents before this, sir?
Ed: I might've done a few tries at it before. I can't remember where or what. I've never nailed Scots, Italian, or French down that cleverly. It becomes a work horse for me every time that happens. I can do eastern European. I could do German, I could do Irish. The three I mentioned are kind of bugaboos for me. I never forget I did The Untouchables and we were the innocence in the movie so we were a clan of gypsyies. I said, "Okay, gypsyies, what would their accents be like?" It's kind of like Hungarian I guess. Hungarian gypsies are known to be gypsies. So I worked on this Hungarian accent and Vincent McEveety was the director and after the first day he said, "Ed, you can drop the accent if you want." I grumbled how do I drop an accent after one day's work. I stayed with it but I toned it down a little. I went to may accent book and it said Hungarian is a lot like German, it has a rustic quality. I didn't want to sound like that, and it could of been so saved from all that trouble if I just imitated Zsa Zsa Gabor. But I didn't do it. Damn me.
Me: Okay, I have to talk about Up. How did you get involved in that movie, sir?
Ed: Well, my voice over agent at the time submitted my tape as he did with thousands of others and the two producers/directors... there was Pete Docter and the other guy who I can't think of his name. They were both great guys. I had such a great time doing that job. I was also scheduled at that time to do a one man play that I have been doing readings of. It's called "Numbers of People." It's about a guy who works for the U.N. who keeps tally of the descendants of the Holocaust. It's a great play by Emily Beck. I was doing fund raising for a Jewish group in Alameda county and I did the reading for them. Sometime later Bob Peterson... that's the name, he said to me, "We caught your show up in Alameda." I said, "What? You did?" "Yeah. That's what convinced is to hire you." This character was dealt such a horrible tragedy at the Holocaust and my rendition of him caused me to be hired for Up.
Me: What did you like most about playing Carl?
Ed: He's the perfect example of the master we created. The grouch that inhabits our lives. Non closer association, closer and closer and closer, and suddenly he comes to realize he uses that as a defense mechanism and he's a wonderful sweet guy underneath.
Me: Yeah, he's me in the future. Haha. Did you like that movie when it came out?
Ed: Yes. It's a double love story. It's a wonderful circle of events. The first two times I saw it was in 3D and I hated the idea of 3D. The first time I saw it I thought it was too dark, the second time I saw it I was more relaxed, the third time I saw it it was in 2D and it made all the difference in the world for me.
Me: When you saw the first fifteen minutes of that film what did you think? Did you cry?
Ed: Clever. How clever. Everybody talks about those first fifteen minutes.
Me: You are gonna play Santa in two upcoming movies and of course you were Santa in Elf. Do you like playing Santa?
Ed: I know, they keep seeking me out. It's tiresome, I must say, tiresome. I loved Elf. The role had entrances and exits for Santa there. It went against the normal opinion of Santa.
Me: True. Ed, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon. There's so many more questions I want to ask you.
Ed: I'll be delighted to.
Well, that about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to the organizers of Clermont Comic Con for making me feel welcome once again, and of course to Ed Asner. This is the last entey of the Phile in my forties. The Phile will be back on Friday for my 50th birthday entry with one of my favorite singers of all time... Steven Page. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker
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