Monday, February 5, 2018

Pheaturing David J. Hogan

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. How're you doing? I hope you're having a better Monday than Tom Brady... because he's a loser. Last night was the 52nd annual Super Bowl, also known as the Tony Awards of football. The Philadelphia Eagles vs. New England Patriots game turned into a proxy war, with Tom Brady and the Patriots standing in for Trump, and the Eagles the hope for everyone else. The world proceeded to explode when Philadelphia pulled off an underdog victory. Philadelphians were so excited they decided to eat horse shit off the ground, and yeah, I don't get that either. Patriots quarterback and 80s movie villain Tom Brady, who already has five Super Bowl rings, was a little bitchy about not getting to add a sixth to his collection. The ageless QuarterbackBot is reviled by everyone except Bostonians and Trump. He's hated by everyone outside of Massachusetts for being so damn good at his job, and loathed by the 59.7% of Americans who don't approve of Trump for being his friend. Scores of Eagles fans took the horse shit out of their mouths long enough to chant "Fuck Tom Brady." Perhaps because the feeling of losing is quite foreign to Brady, he was a total weenie and stormed off the field, not stopping to congratulate Eagles quarterback Nick Foles or perform some traditional "good game" handshakes. It's a courtesy he just decided to ignore. Luckily for Brady, he has his money and his supermodel wife to support him in his time of need. No matter who you are or where you're from, you have to admit that it's super fun to see this grown man cry.
NSYNC alum Justin Timberlake returned to the Super Bowl fourteen years after revealing Janet Jackson's breast, and people already thought it was unfair that Timberlake didn't suffer any consequences while Jackson's career was ruined. Not only did Timberlake's performance underwhelm critics, he gave people something new to be angry about. Firstly, Timberlake had the chutzpah to sing the very song that was the soundtrack to Nipplegate, "Rock Your Body," which viewers found disrespectful. Timberlake also pissed off Prince fans by performing alongside a projection of the late pop star, which is something Prince explicitly disapproved of. Prince, who passed away in 2016, once described performing with a deceased artist through digital editing to be "demonic." Needless to say, the "tribute" was not well-received. Someone in the stadium captured on video that the only excitement for J.T. was coming from the planted crowd as seen on TV. For those keeping track at home, that's two artists Timberlake majorly disrespected, and his own performance in a strange camo suit just wasn't good enough to justify it.
Philadelphian comedian Kevin Hart had a bit too much fun watching the Eagles win the Super Bowl. The fun-size man was so drunk that he forgot that he wasn't on the team. An Eagle-eyed viewer (get it?!) caught Hart trying to get on the podium to receive the Lombardi Trophy, and getting denied by security. The party didn't stop there. Hart then crashed an NFL Network interview with Eagles defensive lineman Fletcher Cox. "Philadelphia’s a great city," Hart said. "I thought, I hope this is an example of what we can do. We gave a fuck... ooh. I’m out." Realizing his mistake, Hart fumbled off the set with a little help from security. In a video on Instagram, Hart addressed these viral moments, providing kids with an anti-drinking PSA and declaring that trying to get on stage with the Eagles was one of the "top two stupidest things" he's ever done. "But who cares? The Eagles won the Super Bowl," he added. "Yeah, I’m still a little tipsy, but the world can kiss my ass," Hart said. Next time the Eagles win the Super Bowl, he should listen to his wife.
The Super Bowl: the pinnacle of football, advertisements, and controversy. Sunday night had its share of highly debatable moments, and the most eye-popping may have been Chrysler's ad for the Dodge Ram, a minute-long clip featuring Martin Luther King Jr.'s "Drum Major Instinct" sermon played over images of athletes, soldiers, kids and, of course, a truck. Anyone watching the ad play out knew it would be a moment on Twitter. When someone called out MLK's kids for allowing the use of his voice, Bernice King weighed in with a simple answer: According to Ad Age, Fiat Chrysler Automobiles defended the ad in the midst of the social media backlash, saying they did work with King's estate on the spot. "It is 50 years to the day that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave such a tremendous speech about the value of service," they said. The statement went on, "Ram was honored to have the privilege of working with the Estate of Martin Luther King Jr. to celebrate those words during the largest TV viewing event annually. We worked closely with the representatives of the Martin Luther King Jr. estate to receive the necessary approvals and estate representatives were a very important part of the creative process every step of the way. The King Center, founded by Coretta Scott King, also denied involvement...

Thank god, finally women will be able to eat chips. PepsiCo, Doritos' parent company, have announced that they're launching a new "lady-friendly" version of their chips which are supposed to be both quieter and less messy. The company claims that research proves women don't like crunching loudly or licking their fingers when they eat in front of other people. Indra Nooyi, PepsiCo's CEO said, "Although women would love to crunch crisps loudly, lick their fingers and pour crumbs from the bag into their mouth afterwards, they prefer not to do this in public. You watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom. Women would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers." Some women find the idea of a women-only chip hilarious, of course.
You know, some people are just rotten people. Look at this shit...

Man, that would suck. Haha. If I had a TARDIS I would go back to the 50s to meet President Eisenhower, but knowing my luck I would end up having to write his speech down for him.

Hey, did you see the new Tide Pod ad? I think it's funny...

Hahaha. Valentine's Day is nine days away and I was thinking, back in the day there were sure some creepy looking Valentine's Cards available.

So, the new Solo trailer premiered this morning. I saw it and thought it was quite odd. Here's a screenshot...

He looks just like Harrison Ford, right? So, I love the cover for today's "New York Post." This is real...

Yes! Wasn't it crazy what happened to Nick Foles at the end of the game last night? You don't know what I'm talking about... check it out...

Ha! I knew it. Haha. I wasn't that keen on Justin Timberlake's performance but I thought this was kinda weird...

Whatever. Haha. And what about Brady's fumble?

He almost had it. Poor Brady... not! Speaking of football and stuff, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff one more time this season...

Me: Hey there, Jeff, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Jeff: Always great to be back here on the Phile to wrap another season of Phootball Talk. I'm doing okay. How about yourself?

Me: I'm hanging in there. So, I am sooo happy the Eagles beat the Patriots. I didn't see Joe Walsh play though. Haha. What was impressive was they won with a backup QB... Nick Foles. That's pretty cool... has that ever happened before?

Jeff: The Eagles defense certainly didn't take it easy on Brady, that's for sure. As far as I can remember, this has only happened once before. The Washington Redskins and Doug Williams in 1987. Williams replaced an injured Jay Schroeder. Just like Foles, he won MVP of the Super Bowl that year.

Me: What was your favorite commercial, Jeff? The New York Giants might have gone 3-13 this year but they deserve a Super Bowl ring for their commercial. I never saw Dirty Dancing but I was told the dance was identical to the dance in the movie. Nobody puts Beckham in the corner.

Jeff: There were several good commercials. Yes, I absolutely loved the Eli-Beckham commercial. I like the Dodge Ram Vikings going to Minnesota commercial. I enjoyed the rap battle between Peter Dinklage and Morgan Freeman commercial too. There were a few good ones this year.

Me: What did you think of the Solo trailer?

Jeff: It was a good teaser. I just saw the full trailer that aired this morning. He will never be as good as Harrison Ford as Han, but it looks really good.

Me: Okay, back to the game itself... The Controversial Catch Rule made an appearance. Did you think it was a catch? I say it was.

Jeff: Yes, that was a catch. He took several steps with the ball before it became dislodged on the ground, which he then picked it up. I saw several Patriot fans online bitching that the refs cost them the game. Seriously.

Me: What did you think of Justin Timberlake's performance? He didn't really sing... just danced all over the fucking place. And why was he dressed like Negan from "The Walking Dead"?

Jeff: As far as Timberlake, I wasn't that impressed by halftime. I'm not his target audience, I didn't know all the songs he sang so it was just okay. Whoever dressed him was wrong. Cause that was hobo chic.

Me: Did you see that teenage kid next to him who was just tweeting or something when Timberlake was next to him?

Jeff: I went back and rewatched the moment with the kid. Timberlake saw he had his phone out so he told the kid to take a selfie with him. The kid was probably posting it then. I can't say I blame him at all.

Me: What were the highlights of the game for you, Jeff?

Jeff: I'd like to say the defense was the highlight but there was none. Other than the Patriot interception was came on a lucky bonus and the Brady sack fumble, it looked like both teams left their defenses at home. For me, the best play was the pass to Nick Foles. I woke the dog I was laughing so hard.

Me: Okay, so, how did we do with the pick? I picked the Eagles would win.

Jeff: You are right, you did pick the Eagles to win. But you had them winning by 12 points. I picked the Patriots just to have an opposite pick from you. So we both lost.

Me: Alright, you won this 7th year of Phootball Talk but what was the final score between us?

Jeff: Overall, I won. I had 23 correct picks and 20 wrong ones. My final point total was 59. I think I did better last year. You went 17-26 with a total of 37 points. Most of my points were from Steeler wins though, which is why I have such a big win over you.

Me: Congrats, Jeff, this was a great season. We'll do it again with the 8th season of Phootball Talk. It'll be Phootball Talk 8: Turnover. Come up with the graphic. LOL.

Jeff: I think I have time to work on a great graphic for next season. As always it was a blast. See you next season for Phootball Talk 8. I'm sure I'll pop up before then though! I hope.

Me: Yeah, I'm sure you will. Take care, Jeff, I will have you back on the Phile soon. Thanks again for all your hard work. You rock!

Jeff: Have a good one!

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, my son and I were talking about how we used to watch "Sesame Street" tougher when he was little. That show sure has changed in the 15 years or so. So, once again here is...

Ernie and Bert examines Bort's turds, noting that hey contain chunks of his intestinal wall and some blood from drinking all that bleach. Then they conclude that throwing it away would be a waste of nutrients and force him to eat it.

This morning, President Donald Trump barely spared one tweet for the Super Bowl before launching into the Russia investigation and attacking a congressman the "New York Times" says is emerging as his "visible nemesis."

If you're keeping track at home, Trump has also used the "little" moniker on Kim Jong-un (5'7"), Marco Rubio (5'9"), and Bob Corker (5'7"). Wikipedia has no available information on the height of Adam Schiff. But back to the important stuff... Trump called Schiff one of the "biggest liars and leakers in Washington," apparently an attempt to discredit him as the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee seeks to release a new memo about the Russia investigation, one that would counter the similarly controversial one released by Republicans last week. Schiff was ready for beef...

"Executive Time" is a reference to reports from early January that whenever "executive time" is written on Trump's daily schedule, it means "TV and Twitter time alone in the residence." Besides the fact that "[Insert Your Occupation Here] Time" is a great way to label time wasted in front of the TV, the insult and request that Trump work on the DACA crises may have struck a nerve. Trump continued tweeting, responding to the DACA jab and then praising Schiff's Republican counterpart on the Intelligence Committee: Congrats, Adam Schiff. Keep this up and your next nickname may be all your own.

Phact 1. In 1958, a man decided to name his son Winner. Three years later, he had another son who he named Loser. Winner became a hardened criminal and Loser became a detective.

Phact 2. An American man was arrested near the border of Afghanistan while hunting down Osama bin Laden with a sword.

Phact 3. A Japanese village was spared being destroyed during the 2011 tsunami by its huge seawall, a wall that its previous mayor had been harshly criticized for building.

Phact 4. Prior to their music careers, Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten would often perform Alice Cooper covers on the streets for money. People would pay them to stop.

Phact 5. In 2009, Airmen Colton Read went in for gallbladder surgery and woke up with both legs amputated. Military doctors punctured his aorta and waited 8.5 hours to get him proper medical care. Read isn’t legally allowed to sue for damages.

Today's guest is the author of "UFO FAQ: All That's Left to Know About Roswell, Aliens, Whirling Discs, and Flying Saucers," the 74th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... David J. Hogan!

Me: David, welcome to the Phile. How are you, sir?

David: I'm good, Jason, thanks so much for having me.

Me: You wrote a book about the 3 Stooges, a book about The Wizard of Oz, and now you have a book about UFOs. You sure write about a wide range of stuff, don't you?

David: Yeah, I have a wide ranging mind, Jason.

Me: Haha. Well, I want to pheature all your books over time on the Phile. But in this UFO book you give an all inclusive guide to UFO lore. There's been so many books about UFOs written over the years, how did you get the idea to write this book?

David: Well, it is an interesting question. When I sat down and first thought about this book and spent a couple of weeks on research I thought, "Dave, this might be a fools errand. This is just an enormous topic."  

Me: Why is this book different from the other thousands of books about UFOs, David?

David: I wanted to do a good accessible single volume handbook to on an entire phenomenon from ancient times up to present day. It talk about hard science, talk about cults, talks about hoaxes, it talks about Project Blue Book, Roswell, Kenneth Arnold, talk about the Bible and the conspiracy mindset as well. It talks about UFOs and its effect on popular culture, which is huge. So, if you only have a hours, it's in this book, about 400 pages, it's pretty jammed packed.

Me: So, who was Kenneth Arnold, David?

David: On June 24th, 1947, Kenneth Arnold was a pilot and he first reported that he had seen what he believed was a UFO. Now this was a few weeks before the Roswell incident that everybody knows about. In the summer of '47 and the interesting thing about Kenneth Arnold was that he spotted nine flying discs above the Cascade Mountains in Washington state, and he flew his own private plane. Kenneth Arnold was a solid citizen. Thirty-years old, handsome, an eagle scout as a kid, was a successful business man, and a straight arrow.

Me: Hmmm. So, what did he report seeing?

David: He saw nine flying discs what he described was crescent shaped, and the story spread awful quickly and since entered folklore.

Me: And then Roswell, New Mexico had the most famous UFO sightings, or story. What was that about?

David: There was something that crashed in the New Mexico desert not too far from an air force base and it was discovered by a ranch foreman named William Brazel and it's a tangled story. And in the 70 years it has only become more tangled over time but it is disputable that something fell out of the sky. Skeptics would tell us it was a weather balloon. Semi skeptics would say it was a secret American aircraft or even a captured Soviet aircraft. Then imaginative people, or people with imagination, say it was something other. That is was from out of this world.

Me: When did Hollywood or movie makes start to cash in on this Roswell stuff?

David: Right after that. In fact, the first of these movies came out in 1950, and it's called The Flying Saucer, and it was a mini budget independent picture by a man named Mikel Conrad and it has a red scare aspect to it which was normal for the times. The UFO phenomenon evolved after that and in '51 Howard Hawks came out with The Thing From Another World and its still a picture that is very tense and suspenseful. It was the first to link the physical aspect of a flying saucer, its shape with very unpleasant extraterrestrials. That picture had enormous impact on moviegoers and over the years on the larger culture as well.

Me: What do you think the ultimate UFO movie is, David?

David: From the golden age I think it has to Earth Verses The Flying Saucer.

Me: What about The Day That The Earth Stood Still? Wasn't those filmmakers trying to help? Haha. 

David: Yes, they were. In fact, the first appearance of the saucer is a thrilling sequence that lands outside the Mall in Washington D.C. That film linked flying saucers and extraterrestrial and government. Those three elements are hugely in play now of course.

Me: What about Orson Well's "War of the Worlds"? When did that play into all this?

David: October 30th, 1938, the day before Halloween, and in my research actually, Jason, I found that although people did panic it was not really a nationwide panic. It was pretty much limited to portions of New Jersey, and the New York state but the people that panicked really panicked.

Me: How long have UFO signings been happening altogether? 

David: Over two millennia, Jason.

Me: You put together a wonderful international timeline in your book. Can you tell us about that timeline?

David: I put it together because as I said, it's a millennia long phenomenon. It's mostly strongly rooted in its early days in the Bible, suggestions of unusual aircraft are numerous books of the Bible, mostly in "Ezekiel" or "Revelations," flaming chariots, flying cylinders, things of that nature. Though I feel there were biblical writers expressing godly ideas in imaginative terms. There are a lot of other people that feel that this is E.T. stuff and it's in the Bible. Fascinating, isn't it?

Me: Yeah, it's crazy. You address Stephen Hawking has been pretty outspoken about alien life and stuff, hasn't he? You talk about that in the book. Do you think aliens will ever arrive on earth?

David: Yeah, I talk about alien attitudes about us. On one hand they might see us as earth worms living on a planet as explorable, on the other hand they might really be spooked by us by what we do so well is kill each other. If an alien civilization had solid sense they really might not want a visit with us because it'll turn out badly for everybody.

Me: Some of my readers might have seen a UFO, but don't know where to report it. In your book you explain what they should do. Can you tell us here?

David: Yeah. In the back of the book I have a multi-page a UFO spotters checklist, as I call it. I won't get all into it now other than to say it's a good useful guide about what to do in order to be credible and in order to document what you seen. It's about the surrounding environment and about the weather, and if you had a close encounter, if you seen some alien creatures, I tell you how to document it, report it to authorities, or a UFO investigatory group. Also, under a section I call "Aftermath," you should so a checklist of any physical symptoms that you may of had. Above all I stress ones own personal safety. If an extraterrestrial extends his hand think twice about taking it, and don't let them get behind you.

Me: Hahaha. You gotta watch out from those probes. David, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back again and I'll pheature your other books. Take care, and keep writing.

David: Thanks again, Jason, for having me.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz and of course David J. Hogan. The Phile will be back on Sunday with... get this, this is fucking cool... Alicia Keys. Yup. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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