Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? Let's start off with a happy story, shall we? A UPS driver called police after making a scheduled stop on his route and ended up saving a woman's life. According to court documents obtained by CNN, a Robertsville, Missouri woman was being held captive and tortured by her husband, 33-year-old James Tyler Jordan, in their home for at least 15 hours. In that time, he "refused to let her leave, punched and slapped her, forced her to strip and sexually assaulted her." Terrifying. Fortunately, the couple had previously scheduled a pickup by UPS, and he came just in time. The woman said Jordan was "holding a gun to her head and threatening to kill her, then himself," when the UPS driver arrived. Instead of ignoring the door, the husband had his wife talk to the driver while he held a gun to her back. She clearly wasn't able to explain what was happening to the driver, so she scrawled "Call 911" on the package instead. This move saved her life. The driver saw the note, called the cops, and a SWAT team arrived and somehow managed to remove Jordan from the home peacefully. As if that story isn't crazy enough, the wife wasn't the only victim. Police also found a 3-year-old child in the home who had been locked in a room without food or water for 15 hours. The court documents don't state whether the 3-year-old was the couple's child, but one thing we know for sure is that whatever was happening in the house was incredibly traumatic and way out of the ordinary. Jordan is charged with domestic assault, sodomy without consent, felonious restraint, unlawful use of a weapon and endangering the welfare of a child. He is being held on a $100,000 bond. The driver, of course, is a hero. And this provides a great lesson: if you ever feel unsafe, schedule a delivery.
According to Fox 6 News, 14 high school students from the Chicago suburbs were rushed to the hospital after eating gummy bears that may have been laced with marijuana. Wait, they got to do drugs and got out of class? Administration knew something was up when students started flooding the nurse's office Tuesday morning complaining about feeling "both uncomfortable and sick." Students reported symptoms including dry mouth, fast heart rate and dizziness. Yep, either a whole bunch of teens all had an anxiety attack at the same time or they are were just having a bad high. Out of the 14 students who were transported to Edward Hospital, at least 12 had eaten the gummy bears. Students told police that they suspect the gummies were "laced with something with marijuana, like a liquid-based marijuana substance," but nothing has been confirmed as of yet. Testing is underway to determine what exactly was in the gummy bears. Besides corn syrup and a butt-load of artificial colors, of course. A 17-year-old student was taken into custody, but released without being charged.
Today in "weird rich people stuff," I bring you a rock in a leather pouch that you can purchase at Nordstrom for $85 under the name "Medium Leather Wrapped Stone." Really.
Please note, that's $85 BEFORE the shipping fee. Surely, you're thinking, this rock must do something. A high-end brand like Nordstrom wouldn't endorse reinventing the pet rock for the upper crust, but that's exactly what they did. They took some rocks they found on Los Angeles mountains and put some expensive leather on them. What is happening? Is an emperor walking around nude right now? The stone has been available at Nordstrom since November 18th, and has grabbed the attention of those who lack the sophistication to see why it is so great. Despite strong guesses that the Nordstrom staff is high af, a few are clued into what makes this product shine: its reviews. In fact, there is only one negative review. "I ordered the leather wrapped stone as a gift for my beloved girlfriend but when it arrived in the mail I quickly noticed it was as described. It clearly states that the stone was hand-made but upon inspection one could easily discern many markings from factory machinery. I had it returned so they could ship me an authentic hand-made stone. The leather alright so I kept it and found an organic GMO free substitute in my garden to replace it while I wait for the new one to be shipped in the mail." He still recommended this product though. Convinced yet? With all this press these puppies are bound to sell out, so hurry up and get yours before they run out of rocks.
Today in real news that feels like fake news: Ivanka Trump, who keeps using her dad's presidency to sell stuff, is now selling herself! In a platonic way, of course. And to raise money for her brother Eric's foundation to benefit St Jude’s Children Research Hospital. So while this is still very weird and Trump-like, at least it's weird and Trump-like for a good cause! Auction charity website Charity Buzz is currently offering one "lucky" bidder and a guest the opportunity to go on a "coffee date" with the future First Daughter of the United States. The estimated value of the date is a whopping 50K, which seems like a lot to spend for 30-45 minutes with anyone, let alone Ivanka Trump. But with 9 days left to bid, the price has already gone up to $18,500. So it's possible they'll get the full amount. And as we all know by now, literally anything is possible when you're a Trump. The date will take place at a Trump building in either DC or NYC, in 2017, after her dad is officially in office. The winning bidder will be heavily vetted to keep out potential creeps and foes, and the date will (of course) be accompanied by secret service. Fun times! As far as the winning bidder, any guesses as to who would want a date with Ivanka this badly and also be able to afford it? Hmmm...
This is Anthony Mayse. He just got fat-shamed by Santa.
Last Saturday, 9-year-old Anthony was treated to a trip to Main Street in Forrest City, North Carolina. They took a carriage ride, went ice skating, and then the day culminated in a visit with Santa. Anthony sat on the jolly old man's lap and asked for an iPod touch and a drone. What he got was some weight loss advice. "When he got done, he said, 'Lay off the hamburgers and French fries,'" Anthony told WLOS. "And that really just disrespected me, and I felt awful." Naturally, this would be traumatic for anyone. "It affected me so bad that I was crying until I went to bed that night," Anthony said. "And I want to say to him, 'You don't want to disrespect a 9-year-old. Even though what shape and size you are, it doesn't matter.'" He also tore up the picture he took with Santa. Anthony's mom, Ashley Mayse, says she ran back in and asked Santa, "Why did you say that?" His response was "I don't know." Don't you, St. Nick? You're the poster boy for being fat. Sounds like you're just projecting some of your own body insecurities. No one should be taking dietary advice from a man who only eats milk and cookies. "I'm hoping he's fired, because I don't want any kid feeling like he did Saturday," she said. "I mean, it destroyed him." No word on weather Kris Kringle lost his job, but the town manager says that Santa did apologize. "When he went to apologize to me, he didn't even mean it," Anthony said. "He acted like he didn't want to be there to do the job," Ashley added. Looks like this mall Santa is just like every other terrible mall employee in the world.
Christmas is coming, which means the clock is ticking down to frantically search for gifts. Fortunately, decisions can be made quickly if you're willing to take the advice of any nutjob on the Internet. Here is a totally great, gift-able product that just so happen to be accompanied by an hilarious Amazon review...
"Everything falls apart the second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along. There is no conflict, there is no character development." Okay, but also it's a really great book to give to a child or a human who has had a child, and you can get it from Amazon for $5. The world has finally received the funniest (or most embarrassing) Christmas Hat ever!
This towering pinnacle of tinsel, lights, and decorations looks massive and absolutely eye-popping at any event. It is also available on Amazon. I'd wear it. Have you seen some of the Cjristmas ads that are out there? Like this one for instance...
Is that lie YouTuberculosis? Hahaha. Never mind. Let's talk about Donald Trump for a minute... "TIME" proclaimed Donald Trump to be the Person of the Year, a prestigious honor he now shares with Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Putin, and Josef Stalin. I thought the magazine's cover was kinda surprising.
I think that says it all. So, Friday I went to Disney World and I saw a pic of Alice from Alice in Wonderland and I was surprised that they changed her look, making it more modern.
Metallica does have a new album out so it kinda works. I have to show you show you something that scared me and gave me nightmares.
See what I mean? The picture did in a way make me think and miss our family dogs... Finley and Griffin. They're not dead, just living in Pennsylvania. The year 2016 has been obnoxious, frustrating and fragile, like an ugly Christmas sweater. The ugly sweater industry makes topical tops every season to recap the year and show what memes look like IRL. Like this one...
I wouldn't sit on Trump Claus's lap if I were you. Alright, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Pheatures Of Amazon's New Grocery Store
5. In typical Amazon fashion, a single pack of gum will come bubble-wrapped in a 3'x4' cardboard box.
4. It's an extraordinary advance in the field of not having any human interaction with anyone ever again, for any reason.
3. It will finally make it possible to create an entire Wish List made of luncheon meats.
2. Ironically, much of its produce will come from farms clear-cut from the Amazon.
And the number one pheature of Amazon's new grocery store...
1. Two words: tortellini drone.
Haha. If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, it's Sunday, so you know what that means. It's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.
Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back. How are you?
Jeff: Good to be back here on the Phile. At this point I might as well start paying rent I'm here so much. And I'm okay with that!
Me: First let's talk about the elephant in the room... FUCKING Steelers! I bet you are sooooo happy they beat the Giants last week. Hahaha. It was a good game... kinda. Right?
Jeff: What do you think? Of course I'm happy the Steelers won. I'm happy anytime they win. I know a lot of Giants fans so this was even better for me. Excuse me for a minute while I HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA one last time. Moving on.
Me: I have to mention my boy Beckham Jr... ugh! Did you see his tweet? I'll show it here in case no one saw it.
Me: Twitter is making fun of his grammar. Grammar isn’t quite a prerequisite for making millions of dollars playing a game. It is embarrassing though.
Jeff: I did see his tweet. And I was one of the people making fun of his grammar. I know grammar doesn't matter on Twitter, but come on man. I know you like Beckham and all, but he certainly does his share of bitching on Twitter. Who does he think he is? The President-Elect? I'm waiting for him to say he's not happy again. Funny how he seems to be happy when the team wins, but now when they lose?
Me: True. The Giants are the only team the Cowboys lost to this year so I can't wait to see the game. Jeff, the NFL is looking for full-time referees... the salary could be up to $200,000 dollars. I think you should try and get a job doing that. Would you be a good ref? I would suck at it. I'll be better as a freakin' mascot.
Jeff: Don't know that I will make a good ref. It's all split second decisions. Look at some of my decisions I've made where I've had time to think about it. The track record isn't good....
Me: Have you seen what some of the fans of the Browns are doing with their jerseys?
Jeff: They really need to be the Cleveland Turds. They are already Brown. But I stand by what I said. They can't go the entire season without winning.... can they?
Me: So, the Texans are the next team to change its name for some odd reason...
Jeff: Well that certainly would be an interesting new logo.
Me: Okay, so, what's the latest NFL news?
Jeff: So Gronk is out for the year. Even if New England makes it to the Super Bowl, they will have to do it without their tight end. After Monday night's lose to the Colts, Todd Bowles, coach of the Jets, said "they kicked our ass" 13 times in his press conference. He really could have said it more.
Me: Speaking of Gronk, did to see the stupid video of him dancing with the walker?
Jeff: I must have missed it. I mean I have seen Gronk dance before. Just not that particular video.
Me: Alright, so, how did we do last week? You and I both got a point as the Steelers won. I made the right decision on that pick.
Jeff: We both went 2-0 with our picks, but only one team won this week. Who was it again?
Jeff: So my lead on you has grown by a point. I'm now up by 3. The score is 41-38.
Me: Damn it. Let's do this week's picks... I say Eagles by 1 and Jets by 2. What do you say?
Jeff: My picks this week is the Bengals over the Turds by 9 and Tampa Bay with a win by 3.
Me: Okay, I'll see you back here next Sunday. Have a good week, Jeff.
Jeff: See you next week!
July 18th, 1921 — December 8th, 2016
He withdrew from a Senate race after getting a concussion from hitting his head on a bathtub, so maybe "hero" is a little strong.
November 10th, 1947 — December 7th, 2016
If I were Carl Palmer I'd be quaking in my elf boots.
Tooting, or farthing is the best. And it actually makes the news sometimes. So, here's another real story about someone tooting. A Swedish footballer lashed out after being sent off the field for breaking wind during a match, with the referee accusing him of “deliberate provocation” and “unsportsmanlike behavior.” Adam Lindin Ljungkvist, who was playing at left-back in the match between Järna SK's reserve team and Pershagen SK, was shown a second yellow card late in the game in what the media called “bizarre circumstances." “I had a bad stomach, so I simply let go,” the 25-year-old said. “Then I received two yellow cards and then red. Yes, I was shocked, it's the strangest thing I have ever experienced in football. “I asked the referee, ‘What, am I not allowed to break wind a little?'"
The 33rd artist to be pheatured in the Phile's Art Gallery is Gene Guilmette and this is one of his pieces...
Gene will be the pheatured guest on the Phile next Sunday.
The 54th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Rachael will be the pheatured guest on the Phile next Monday.
"TIME's" Person of the Year
"TIME's" Person of the Year is a distinction Donald Trump and Hitler actually have in common.
Today's pheatured guest is a singer whose new EP "Chasing Happy" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... G Matthews.
Me: Hello, G, welcome to the Phile. How's it going?
G: Hey, hey, thanks for having me. It's going pretty okay.
Me: So, I'm gonna ask you a question I am sure no one has ever asked you before... what does the G stand for?
G: Hahaha. Uummm... It stands for GUACAMOLE. LOL. NO, really it just a nickname, short for Gina. Every time I'm asked this question I try to come up with a clever answer, but sadly it's just my name. Sorry to let you down, but you're more than welcome to call me Guacamole if you want.
Me: Alright, Guacamole, so, how long have you been known just as G?
G: I've been called G since high school #goodtimes.
Me: What do your friends and family call you?
G: Most of them call me G or Gina.
Me: You're originally from California, right? What part?
G: Yes, originally from California. I'm a valley girl. I've lived in different parts of the valley... Burbank, North Hollywood, Canoga Park...
Me: Is that where you are living now?
G: Currently, I'm in Los Feliz
Me: Before you were a singer you stated out as a backup dancer?
G: Yes, I have a passion for dance. I did some mini tours and music videos but mostly live shows like the MTV Movie Award and the BET awards
Me: Did you take dance lessons when you were a kid?
G: Not when I was a tiny tot. I started my training when I was around 15 years old.
Me: How did you start to get into dancing?
G: I just remember, when I was a kid, standing in front of the TV copying all of the moves from music videos. And I was dancing ever since.
Me: Who did you backup dance for?
G: I’ve worked with Ludacris, Ray J, Christina Aguilera to name a few.
Me: That's cool. I read that you decided you wanted to be a singer after seeing No Doubt in concert. When was that, G?
G: It was when No Doubt's album, "Tragic Kingdom" came out that I knew I had a passion for rockin' out.
Me: What was it about that show that made you decide you wanted to be a singer?
G: It just looked fun and I used to jump around in my room and sing and dance anyway. So, why not share my passion with the world.
Me: Did you ever sing before?
G: Yes, I sang in my church choir
Me: So, do you miss dancing?
G: Hell, yeah I miss dancing. But I do still dance for recreation and exercise.
Me: Growing up, who were you into musician wise? I know No Doubt, but who else?
G: I listened to a lot of Hall & Oates, Boston and Michael and Janet Jackson. I also listened to a lot of Patti LaBelle and Paramore. I know, it’s a bit all over the place, but I really love all types of music
Me: Alright, let's talk about your new album "Chasing Happy." Where did the title come from, G?
G: The title of the album came after I wrote the song, “Chasing Happy."
Me: Did you write all the music for the album?
G: Yes, yes I did. I wrote all of the songs on the album.
Me: I watched the video for "Chasing Happy." Was this your first video?
G: This was not my first video. I did a few other videos in the past. But the video for “Chasing Happy” I have a personal connection to because I helped with the story line.
Me: Who was that little girl in it? She looked like she had a good time being in the video. I have to show this cute pic of her...
G: That little girl is my little cousin. She loved being a part of the video. Kids and balloons always work out!
Me: You have balloons in the video and on the album cover, so I'm guessing you like balloons... is there a significance to them?
G: I'm actually terrified of balloons. One of my biggest fears. The balloons in the video and on the album cover are meant to represent happiness.
Me: I have to ask you about those tattoos on your arm... what are they and what does it say?
G: Aaahhhh my tattoos... My arm is covered with a bunch of little things. There's a spot that says Chasing Happy. I have another one that says No Expectations. I even have a cupcake, which is my favorite treat.
Me: So, you seem pretty young... I am sure your family is proud of you what you accomplished, G. What do they think of the album?
G: My family has been showing me a lot love and support and I'm super appreciative of it.
Me: You played a number of concerts, G, now that you're a singer and performer... do you have a favorite gig you played so far?
G: I feel like all of my shows were my favorite. Anytime I can get up on stage is my favorite time!
Me: So, what's next for you? Are you going on tour?
G: I'm currently working on my second album in Los Angeles and New York. I'm super stoked about it and almost can't wait to share it.
Me: Thanks so much for being here on the Phile. Go ahead and mention your websites and stuff and anything else you wanna. Continued success to you.
G: No, Thank you. This was awesome. Everyone can keep up with me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter @gmatthewsmusic. I'm also on Snapchat @justmatthewsmusic. You can sign up for my newsletter and find my music on my website at gmatthewsmusic.com.
Me: Good deal, Guacamole.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz and of course G Matthews. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Tish Meeks and the other guys from her band 3 Kisses. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker