Hi there, kids, and welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? Happy eighth day of Hannukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Channukah, Hannukah, Chanukkah, or however it's spelled!
In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have four legal spellings. "What the fuck is Hannukah?" said very solipsistic evangelical Christian ever. Yes, Virginia, Hannukah has eight days of gifts and treats, while you only have one. Today is not only Hannukah, it is also the 40th anniversary of the song "Slow Ride." So, take it easy. Man, I can spent the whole day talking about how that song changed not my families life but a lot of life's. I wonder how many children were conceived to that song. Okay, let's get on with the news... this is a story Foghat fans I am sure would like. A Michigan teacher accidentally ate a pot brownie and probably freaked out. A high school teacher in suburban Michigan accidentally ate a pot brownie left in the teachers lounge. It's not the first time a high school teacher has been the victim of a pot brownie. The incident, which happened on Tuesday, sent the teacher to the hospital, and was detailed in a letter written by Huron Valley School District Superintendent Jim Baker: "As often happens, a plate of baked goods was left in one of our staff lounges, the alarming part is that the baked goods were tainted with marijuana." It's not clear if the teacher had a giggling fit, got paranoid, or thought class was over mere seconds after the first bell rang after losing the ability to know how time works. They know for certain that the brownies were laced because they whisked them off to the crime lab, just like a TV crime drama: "The Oakland County crime lab tested the brownies and they did contain the active ingredients in marijuana." School officials do not know whether this prank was pulled by a staff member or student. The prankster knew that no one can resist the sweet call of free baked goods at work. Knowing how high school works, it was definitely a student and the only way that student won't get caught is if they managed not to brag about it. So the student will probably be in serious trouble before 2016.
Plenty of Disney fans get together. Some even get engaged on Disney rides. And now they have their very own dating site... MouseMingle is a dating website with the mission to help everyone find their very own Mickey or Minnie. When members join the site, they're asked questions about their favorite Disney songs, Disney shopping habits, and “Disney nerd level” to help find that perfect match. While it might sound silly to have a dating site for a niche this specific, it could be more successful than other sites, especially since it was recently discovered that Tinder is full of people already in relationships. MouseMingle hopes to magically rise above the rest, "MouseMingle.com is the place to connect people who love Disney and who want that same magic in their relationship." They have a point. Every relationship should be built on a foundation of overpriced parking and insanely long lines. But wait! It gets worse, "MouseMingle.com is dedicated to Disney fans. Traditional internet dating sites don't understand the passion people have for all things Disney. But we do." That's right. Traditional dating sites don't understand Disney. You couldn't possibly list it as an interest or really show your dedication by saying you're a fan in your profile bio. Nope. Joining MouseMingle is the one and only way to find people that share that passion. The site's founder, Dave Tavres, explains his rationale for starting it, "I found it hard to find women who were as interested in Disney as I am." Sorry to hear that, Dave. John Legend is so excited for his wife Chrissy Teigen's first pregnancy... and not just because he's a proud dad. The singer also just thinks it makes his model wife look hot, he told "Us Weekly" in an interview. "I told her before that I was always attracted to pregnant women, but I never actually had one myself, so now I’m excited to be with a beautiful, pregnant woman," he said. Teigen will be happy to hear it, though. "I think she gets a little self-conscious," Legend said. "You know it’s weird when you’re used to looking a certain way, and then all of a sudden you have this new thing growing inside you that changes the way you look. It affects everybody." It affects Legend specifically in the groin area. Hey, I have good news... FINALLY there's a new anti-odor underwear that keeps your farts tucked up inside, snuggly and warm. The best thing about Shreddies, underwear designed to absorb and destroy fart smells of every flavor, is their marketing.
This. Is. Romance. And if you're extremely neurotic about your human body doing what it was designed to do (excrete disgusting stuff), they also make a line of pants. Double-bag that toot!
They say the cloth has carbon that absorbs unwelcome odors, but all I'm seeing is the thin blue denim line holding back stank waves. At the end of the night, after all the preliminary butt smelling, underwear comes off. There must be some residue or lingering stankitude, that much worse for having been trapped for so long. Like when you open your mouth after waking up and have cotton-mouth morning breath. But for your butthole. We all just need to relax and accept ourselves. If someone doesn't love you at you empty-colon best, they don't deserve you at your ate-too-many-grapes worst. Let your farts fly free, people, like doves! Elvira "Vera" Montes, an 81 year old grandmother, completed the 2015 FloTrack Beer Mile World Championships in Austin on Dec.1. A beer mile takes place on a 1/4 mile track, and runners must chug a beer before every lap. So participants pound four beers in less than 30 minutes while running. Montes not only completed it in 20 minutes, she beat her 47 year old daughter! Her son-in-law was unable to finish the race and will likely never live it down. Vera is one of those rare super-cool grandmas, like the one that lost her shit when Taylor Swift brought Mick Jagger out at a concert. She's not much of a beer fan, though, and had this to say after the race, "I'm not a big beer drinker. I like beer when the weather is real hot and there's nothing else to drink. I'm really a scotch drinker, Chivas if it's available. If it was scotch we were drinking instead of beer, I would have run a lot faster." Everyone should aspire to be this healthy and kickass when they're 81. Hopefully she continues to run and drink with the best of them. And now she has bragging rights over her daughter and son-in-law forever. Harrison Ford, the only man weird enough to pay Carrie Fisher's love interest in a movie, had something to say on Wednesday to presidential candidate Donald Trump's comments about Ford "standing up for America" as an actor playing an ass-kicking president in the movie Air Force One. Namely, that it's just a fucking movie.
"It's a movie," the lifelong Democrat said while promoting Star Wars: The Force Awakens in Australia. "Donald, it was a movie. It's not like this in real life, but how would you know?" Apparently, Donald Trump thinks Harrison Ford is awesome, which is one of the few opinions Trump has ever expressed that 100 percent of Americans agree with. "My favorite [movie president] was Harrison Ford on the plane," said Trump to the "New York Times" last week. "I love Harrison Ford... and not just because he rents my properties. He stood up for America." By the way, in case you're wondering, Harrison Ford also hated the apartment he got from Trump. True story. Some people just think stuff that happens in movies are real. Check out this real wanted poster for evidence...
It is clever. I said this before, ever look at an inanimate object and you swear you see a face in it? Well, to happens. Check it out...
You see it, right? So, in a few days the new Star Wars movie finally comes out, and I have to hand it to Disney, I think they are catering to their Jewish audiences...
That's so stupid. Almost as stupid as this...
Okay, so, the holiday season is here and a lot of you will be going to Holiday parties wearing holiday sweaters I am sure. Do not wear this one though...
Alright, and now from the him office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this week's...
Top Phive Reasons Pamela Anderson is in "Playboy's Final Nude Issue
5. They got a discount on her stylist and makeup using her AARP discount.
4. Wanted to wait until next issue to appeal to a desirable readership demographic.
3. Nicely bookends the first issue, showing Marilyn Monroe... another blonde who hasn't done anything interesting for the last few decades.
2. Drives home that their "no nudity" policy really is for the best.
And the number one reason Anderson is in "Playboy's" final nude issue is...
1. It was just time to brush off the notion that "Playboy" is a stodgy, out of touch magazine only your father would read.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. And now for some sad news...
January 3rd, 1930 — December 4th, 2015
NOT REALLY DEAD.
October 27th, 1967 — December 3rd, 2015
A rock star who was a heroin addict for 20 years, and you are surprised his dead? Come on people. Do your homework.
See also: Hanukkah, Chanukkah, ans Hannukka maybe? I don't even really know the spellings at this point.
The 42nd book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Hod will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks, kids.
Today's guest is a Phile Alum who wrote the book "Elizabeth, Peter & Me" which is in the Phile's Book Club. His latest project is the documentary on Tubby Hayes called "Tubby Hayes A Man in a Hurry." Please welcome back to the Phile... Mark Baxter.
Me: 'Ello, Mark, welcome back to the Phile. How have you been, sir?
Mark: Hello, Jason, all good, sir. I'm as busy as always.
Me: Last time you were here you were supporting your novel "Elizabeth, Peter & Me." How is that book going? Any talk for it to be made into a movie yet?
Mark: I have had plenty of meetings and yes we are in talks with a film producer, but a long way to go yet. All about money in that game.
Me: You're from England, as I am... what part of England are you from, Mark?
Mark: I am from Camberwell, South East London.
Me: I was born in Balham. You've been there I think we talked about last time you were here. Do you like living in England still?
Mark: Yes, all my work is there and I can't see that changing for a while, if ever.
Me: Let's talk about your new documentary you produced... "Tubby Hayes A Man in a Hurry." This is a documentary on DVD, right?
Mark: Yes, I have loved Tubby Hayes for 30 years and I felt it was time to get more people aware of his great music. We tried to get a TV commission, but they couldn't 'see' the story, so we have independently produced it and released on DVD, so it reaches people quickly.
Me: You had a few screenings showing it... how was it perceived?
Mark: It has gone down very well, the jazz community as well as the general music fans who appear to love it. Also people who just love a good story are getting into it. Overwhelming success it has to said.
Me: How long did it take you to put this whole project together? Are you glad it's now out?
Mark: It has taken two and half to raise the funds to make and finish the film. Ah yes, very happy to have finished it and see it go to the top of the Amazon charts here in the U.K.
Me: The Phile is American based, even though I am not American... Anyway, will the documentary be released in America?
Mark: The documentary is available in the U.S. but has to be played on a multi region DVD player.
Me: Ahhh. So, I have a feeling a lot of my readers don't know who Tubby Hayes is... I do. He did music for the original Italian Job and Alfie, right?
Mark: He did, well done you. He was a household name here in the U.K. in the 60s, but a crippling drug habit and ill health, led to him fading from view and dying in 1973. He appeared on may iconic soundtracks, like the ones you have picked up on.
Me: Anyway, tell the readers briefly who Tubby was.
Mark: He was born in London in 1935, professional on the tenor sax at 15 and leading his own bands at 20. He formed The Jazz Couriers with Ronnie Scott in 1957 and then went on to play with Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald, Quincy Jones, Clark Terry and Rashan Roland Kirk among many other jazz greats before his untimely death.
Me: He died pretty young, am I right? How did he die, Mark?
Mark: He dies aged 38, in 1973. Ill health, heart trouble ultimately got him in the end.
Me: Have you been a fan of his pretty much all your life?
Mark: Pretty much. I discovered him in the early 1980s, when I was in my early 20s and discovering jazz for the first time. Loved him ever since.
Me: Did you ever meet him or see him perform live?
Mark: No sadly, I was too young back then.
Me: When and how did you get the idea to do the documentary?
Mark: I have had the idea of the documentary for 5 years and was just looking for the right team to make it with.
Me: Lee Cogswell directed it... how did you choose him to be the director? Did you two agree pretty much on everything?
Mark: I had worked with Lee on another job and found him great to work with and he is very talented. He has done a remarkable job on the Tubby film.
Me: You had friends and family of Hayes interviewed... was their anybody you wanted to get but couldn't?
Mark: Yes, there were a couple, but we just couldn't get the dates to work to meet them. Cleo Laine, Courtney Pine and Gilles Peterson spring to mind.
Me: Who was the hardest person to get for it, Mark?
Mark: I think Tubby's son Richard, who was hard to find, but we got there in the end and he has been very supportive of it since.
Me: What does his family think of it?
Mark: Only had feedback from Richard so far, he loved it.
Me: My dad was Lonesome Dave from Foghat and Savoy Brown and I hope one day they'll be a documentary on him... it almost happened once. It's hard to get everybody on board though. What was the hardest hurdle for the documentary?
Mark: Interesting. Finances mainly and then time. A lot of work was done on this for no wages, call it a labour of love.
Me: I was amazed and thrilled when I saw who narrated the film... Martin Freeman. Was it hard to get him involved?
Mark: Not really, I'm a mate of Martins and I just asked him, The hard bit was working around his busy schedule, but we got there.
Me: I love this picture of you, Martin and Lee...
Me: How was he to work with?
Mark: A real gentleman. very professional, and dedicated to the project, which was nice for us.
Me: I take it he was a fan of Hayes' work. Am I right?
Mark: He does love his jazz and knew Tubby's work, though not massively. I think he has been checking Tubby out more since the film too.
Me: So, has the doc been getting a lot of press? Is this the first American press it got?
Mark: It has been getting some nice interest and we had a review from the States early on, and they liked the film. You are the first interview, Jason.
Me: Yes! Haha. So, now it's out, do you think sales of his music will go up?
Mark: I am sure it will. I think and hope they will. I'm sure more people will check him and his work out.
Me: So, what's next for you, Mark? Another book?
Mark: Yes, just finishing another novel, set in the 1960s and all the action takes place around The Beatles. Hope to have something out with that in 2016.
Me: Oh, man, I can't wait for that. I have to ask you where did the name of the documentary come from? It's one of his songs, right?
Mark: No, it's just a description of Tubby's life. A sort of 'live fast die young' type of idea. Tubby certainly was 'a man in a hurry.'
Me: Mark, thanks for being back on the Phile. Mention where a reader can purchase it and your website. Continued success. Please come back again soon. All the best.
Mark: No, thank you, Jason, all the information you need on the film can be found at our dedicated website... amaninahurry.london/.
Me: Take care, and come back when your next book comes out.
Mark: Cheers, Jason, thanks for the interest.
That about does it for this entry. Thanks to Mark Baxter, that was a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Richard Rivera creator of the cool comic "Stabbity Bunny." Then next Monday it's A Peverett Phile Christmas 7 pheaturing Roger Earl from Foghat. That should be really cool. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Now go tie a slow ride and take it easy.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker