Sunday, November 22, 2015

Pheaturing Phile Alum Jeff Trelewicz

Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. So, Thanksgiving is right around the corner, kids. Just think... if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be having a piece of ass this Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving may you devour more food in one day than the Polgrom colonies ate in one year. May your Thanksgiving be filled worth the same actions you take for the homeless on our streets, as you are demanding for refugees. Also this week as you know it is Black Friday. Once you go Black Friday, you never go back Friday. Haha. I have no idea what that means.  Well, this is the last day I will be forty-six years old. Yep, tomorrow I will be forty-seven. Yes, I'm older enough to remember to poop without a smartphone. I'm so old my driving terrifies people. I hope I'm still around when the iPhone 237 comes out. I doubt I'll be around the iPhone 7 comes out. Alright, enough about me, let's talk about what is going on in the world.  Jared Fogle was sentenced to 15 years and 8 months in prison a few days ago, and during the court proceedings, his attorney argued that his Subway sandwich diet was a mitigating factor in his pedophilia. John Bradford, an "expert witness," was called in by Fogle's attorney, Jeremy Margolis, to argue that Jared treating his food addiction via Subway sandwiches led to a sex addiction developing in its place. Bradford is a psychiatry professor at the University of Ottowa, and sounds like someone you really wouldn't want to get your psychiatry training from. He also characterized Fogle's actions as "mild pedophilia," which prosecutors quickly pointed out is literally not a thing.  Hey, this story is for you, Sam...
Maybe you've been guilt-tripping yourself for sleeping the day away, or maybe just your "friends" and "family" have been. Well, forget everything you knew about being unconscious! Scientists have unlocked the secret of sleeping in. It actually means you're a creative genius. No shame in the game (if the game is hitting snooze over and over on your persistent alarm clock). The Huffington Post compiled a list of research outlining all the strengths of being a night owl, but two papers in particular focus on the benefits of sleep as they relate to two things: How smart you are and how creative you are. The first, from the University of Madrid, studied the circadian rhythms of about 1,000 teenagers, categorized them into night or morning people, then tested them a bunch. The results were that teens that stay up late do better than early risers with inductive reasoning, which is used to analyze general intelligence. Yet, they often do worse in school because school happens in the morning, duh. Why would people staying up all night be smarter? "One theory to explain the extra brain power of night owls is that intelligent children are more likely to grow up to be nocturnal because in ancestral times any activities at night would have been novel and would, therefore, have been more likely to attract people with inquisitive minds." Curiosity and inquisitiveness also makes for more creative people. In the other study, published by the Department of Psychology at the Catholic University of the Sacred Heart in Milan, they discovered folks who stay up late are more likely to come up with innovations and look at the world differently. Professor Marina Giampietro, who led the study, said, "Being in a situation which diverges from conventional habit, nocturnal types often experience this situation, may encourage the development of a non-conventional spirit and of the ability to find alternative and original solutions." Yeah, like when the grocery store is closed because it's 4 a.m. so you make a sandwich with bread for filling, then binge-watch "Orange is the New Black." What a GENIUS does!
Justin Bieber was taped serenading Selena Gomez the other night at a hotel bar in Beverly Hills. This seems like a pretty good indication that these two might be rekindling their romance. It also means that paparazzi photographers are going to begin relentlessly stalking them. Lots of people get back together with an ex in their early twenties, then regret it and go meet someone more interesting. Even famous people do it! To be certain, Bieber does what Bieber wants. He walks out of interviews, and when he manages to complete interviews, he insists he's single. But his song choice for this impromptu tune sounds like he's trying to win her back... "My Girl." Generally speaking, you don't sing "My Girl" to a girl unless she's your girl, or in this case if she used to be your girl and you want her to be your girl again. There were no reports of Selena grabbing the mic and reprising famous scenes from "Wizards of Waverly Place." I like Justin, he's a Foghat fan...

Remy Martin has funded a John Malkovich film that won't be seen for 100 years. It's a classy way to advertise their stupid-expensive 100 year old Louis XIII Cognac. Directed by Robert Rodriguez (known for From Dusk Till Dawn and giving college film students filmmaking boners) with cinematography by Claudio Miranda (known for Life of Pi and being a hair hero), the Malkovich-penned film deals with what life will be like in 100 years. But unless somebody gets on some legit life-extension right quick, you're never going to see the sucker, because it's getting locked in a safe box for 100 years. Malcovich says that he studied futurism and science fiction to help decide exactly what vision of the future the film would take. He noted that there are so many possibilities, "An incredibly high tech, beyond computerized version of the world, a post-Chernoybl, back to nature, semi-collapsed civilization and then there was a retro future which was how the future was imagined in science fiction of the 1940s or 50s." Some of these different visions are played out in the film's teasers, but none of these contain footage from the actual film, apparently. According to, the fine cognac folks "are sending out metal movie tickets to about 1,000 influential people inviting them to invite their descendants to a screening exactly one century from today," as if the children of today's influencers aren't going to be total screw-ups. That'll be a fun screening. Anyway, how expensive is the Cognac? One site has a bottle of the current batch listed at a cool $2,999.99, approximately the cost of 100 bottles of very tasty bourbon or almost 3,000 bottles of refreshing beer (and probably, like, 4,000 cans of shit beer).  Schuler's bakery in Springfield, Ohio has taken a bold and public stance on the growing culture war in the U.S. A sign recently posted on the store's front door warns any and all prospective customers that their fresh bread will come with a free side of unapologetic heartland values whether they want them or not... political correctness be darned!

A photo of the sign was posted to Facebook by Springfield resident Jackie Stevens. One of her friends, Angel Jacobs, shared the image to the page of local CBS affiliate WHIO, where it quickly went viral. Many commenters were delighted to see a local business take a stand against political correctness, saying the things that they imagine others are afraid to say. Others were less enthusiastic about the sign, arguing that it was hostile and misleading, like the rest of the "War on Christmas" rhetoric. They also argued that the sign was unnecessary, because it's a fucking bakery. Schuler's Bakery: serving up hot bread and hot topics. The attitude is just as fresh as the donuts. Except the day-olds, which are available at a discount.  So, you know about this whole Starbucks cup controversy, right? Well, they have solved the problem once and for all...

Yup. Problem solved.  Did you guys see the new McDonald's billboard? They have a very strange advertising campaign going on...

Then I would surely eat a lot. Hmmmm. Moving on...  I am not a big candle fan, but I am sure some of you are out there. You hard about the Yankee Candles, right? We'll there's one I am not too sure about...

No, that's not me on the label. Ha!  Ted Cruz has a very odd poster out right now.

What is he thinking?  So, I was looking at the guide on my DVR to see what shows I wanna watch on Thanksgiving and this came up...

And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Startling Similarities Between The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2 And Justin Bieber's New Album.
5. Features a blonde, feminine protagonist.
4. Will be illegally downloaded by millions.
3. The public wishes there was more to come after this installment.
2. Feels like it's three hours long.
And the number one similarity between Mockingjay, Part 2 and Bieber's new album...
1. Is much more than just a cynical corporate cash-in.

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, it's fall, so here's another...

This toaster hack.

Okay, I am gonna have to try that. Okay, so, you know I live in Florida by now, right? Well, lots of strange things happen in Florida that happen no where else in the Universe. That's why I have a pheature called...

A woman in Florida appropriately named Christian Kayla Normandin has attracted the Internet's attention with a 15 minute video she posted on Facebook ranting about her son's history textbook. Her son, a sophomore, was issued a textbook in his World History class containing numerous references to Islamic history and its influence on the world, as well as an entire 40 page chapter dedicated to the history of Islam and the Islamic Empires. Forty whole pages! In a World History book! About one of the major forces in world history! Normandin tagged her video with this description: "Here is the video I promised about my sons 6th period World history class for sophomores. I did a basic overview of the whole 40 page chapter and other paragraphs on other issues. We need to put an end to this now!! I have contacted the principal again on this and am waiting on the call and will record the call!! So give me your opinions and questions and I'll answer them the best I can." In the video, Normandin takes issue with the fact that the book doesn't have chapters dedicated to other religions, ignoring the fact that the chapter is clearly focused on the history of the Muslim world and not the religion itself. She also complains that it doesn't give sufficient attention to "the negative side of Muslims." She also doesn't approve of the book's criticism of the Crusades, or the fact that it teaches kids how to write "I-rabic numerals," which she seems to not realize are the numbers we use every day. There are actually too many entertaining quotes to pull from this video for me to list here. Watch it yourself if you've got 15 minutes to spare and plenty of rage in your heart.

That's the problem with history textbooks: too objective.

Cranberry sauce
Cranberry sauce is the worst thing to happen to Thanksgiving since your dad found out about Obamacare.

It's 2:17 a.m., 77°F and
In celebrity barfing news, Kelly opened up (no pun intended) about crazy morning sickness. Kelly  revealed that she's been suffering from really bad morning sickness. She joins Kim Kardashian, Adele, and Chrissy Teigen in the new celebrity trend of being super real about pregnancy. All the coolest A-listers are barfing while carrying babies, and if the trend continues, we should be prenatal projectile vomiting all over the runways next season. You might remember that Clarkson dramatically blurted out her pregnancy news while on tour in the middle of performing a song about dads. Now she tells CBS News, not only does she have morning sickness, but "I'm familiar with all-day sickness. I have to get IVs and fluids because I get so dehydrated. It's really bad." But she says it's worth it to "pop out magical unicorns," aka babies, like her one year old daughter River Rose. Which famous person will candidly explore the physical and emotional changes that accompany birth next? Let the sordid rumors begin.

Get this pop star some ginger ale.

Okay, today's guest is a good friend of mine and is often here on the Phile talking about football. He is a Phile Alum whose book "Paranormal Contact Volume 2" is the 41st book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club and is available on Amazon. Please welcome back to the Phile... Jeff Trelewicz.

Me: Jeff! Welcome back to the Phile. Let's talk football. Oh, wait... never mind. Haha. How are you? 

Jeff: It was another wonderful week of football... oh wait, not what we're here to talk about. Not here anyway.

Me: You've been on the Phile more than anyone... except me of course, and this is the second interview about your books. That's pretty good, right?

Jeff: Have I been on more than anyone? I would think Laird has been on more than me. After all you asked him for thoughts on a dead wrestler recently and not me. But that's pretty cool! I will gladly take it.

Me: Yes, you beat Laird. Before we talk about your book "Paranormal Contact Volume 2," how are your other two books doing?

Jeff: My other books have kind of hit a wall as far as sales. To the point that to get interest up for "Paranormal Contact Volume 2," I gave "Volume 1" away for free for five days. Even that, the numbers were lower than I expected. I didn't get into becoming a writer for the fame and fortune, though I would have no problem if it happened. You know what I mean?

Me: Yeah. Three books in a year or so, that's pretty good. You must like writing, right?

Jeff: I love writing. Where else do I get to create worlds and control people's destinies? I have been writing in one form or another for most of my life. I wrote short stories growing up, then stage plays then screen plays with country music demos tossed somewhere in between. Now I can officially call myself a novelist I guess.

Me: Okay, so, this new book is in the Phile's Book Club. I never got to interview you about "Volume 1." Both books are about ghosts and stuff. Have you always been into that kinda thing?

Jeff: Yeah, I'm a big fan of the paranormal. As far as I could remember my Godfather always told me stories of the paranormal, even from a young age. So his stories were my first contact with stories of the paranormal. I think I was like ten or eleven when he first told me about Bigfoot. And it's because of him that "Paranormal Contact Vol. 1" was dedicated to him.

Me: Ever do a ghost tour?

Jeff: I have been on a ghost tour before. I've done several of them actually. I also technically led one as well.

Me: You must be a fan of Ghostbusters, am I right?

Jeff: Ghostbusters is such a great movie. But I'm a fan of 80s movies in general. But yeah, I really like the movie. I don't even hate the second movie which is rare.

Me: So, I have to ask, do you believe in ghosts? I think I know the answer. Haha.

Jeff: Not only do I believe in ghosts, but many of the stories from the books are based off my own experiences in the paranormal. Some of them have been told to me. Some of them I have read. But yeah, I believe in all of it.

Me: So, are the same characters in "Volume 1" in "Volume 2"?

Jeff: For the most part yes, the same characters from "Volume 1" appear in "Volume 2" as well. Some characters do not, as well as new characters are introduced. But it is a continuation of the story featuring the same characters. There are seven characters that appear in both books.

Me: There's a character named Jason in the books. Is he named after and based after someone in particular?

Jeff: Yes, the main character's name is Jason. No, he's not based off you! He's named Jason Grant because the two people who founded the TV show "Ghost Hunters" on the SyFy Network are Jason and Grant. I was going to name a character after you in the first book, but didn't want two Jason's. So as you remember, I asked you for permission to name a character and combined your father and your son's names. Even threw in the word Lonesome in honor of your dad!

Me: That's right. But this Jason character, is he a nice guy or an ass?

Jeff: I would like to think that the character is a nice guy. But everyone has their limits. We see more of those limits in "Vol. 2."

Me: More importantly, does he have a hot girlfriend and get laid? Haha.

Jeff: As a matter of fact he does have a hot girlfriend and gets laid in "Vol. 1."  

Me: The new book takes place in St. Augustine. I love it there. You do as well, right?

Jeff: St. Augustine was one of my all time favorite places to visit. I have been there a few times.

Me: That place is very haunted, Jeff. Is that why you made the book based there?

Jeff: Yeah. That's why the book takes place there. There's just so many stories to be told there. I didn't even start to scratch the surface of all the ghost stories that take place in St. Augustine.

Me: I remember you telling me a story of a boy who was in a tree at a cemetery or something. What is that story?

Jeff: The story of James is an important part of "Paranormal Contact Vol. 2." James is buried in the cemetery away from everyone else and no one knows why. They don't know his last name or how he died. Just the year he died in. There's a tree that is outside the cemetery but the large branches extend inside the cemetery. James has been known to play in the tree and make his presence known to other children that are near. We witnessed one of those incidents. It's in the book. It was just so strange to have seen.

Me: So, is there gonna be a "Volume 3"?

Jeff: Yes, there will be a "Paranormal Contact Vol. 3." It was always my intention to make it a trilogy. I plan on releasing that book next Halloween!

Me: I have to ask you about your podcast you do with Jeremy Croston. What is it called and how is that going?

Jeff: Jeremy and I started a podcast months ago. We actually started our own publishing company called Two Dudes, Brews and Books. And that's also what the podcast is called. Every week we discuss a different topic from our books to drinks or anything pop culture. We have had many a discussion of Star Wars. We have started to have guests on our podcasts and you know you have a standing invitation to guest star on our podcast anytime you want to.

Me: That'll be cool. What is your next book you are gonna write? Any ideas?

Jeff: I have plenty of ideas in my head for future books. In fact, I officially started my next book just this past Sunday. I'm two thousand words in. My goal is somewhere in the neighborhood of 50,000 words so I have a long way to go!

Me: I am thinking of writing a novel, but have no idea how to publish it. I might need your help. Whatcha think?

Jeff: With everything that you have encountered in life I think you would make a great writer. I will gladly help you with your book. Anything you need, you just let me know! And then when it comes out I will interview you for my blog! Time for a role reversal!

Me: Cool. You have a great imagination, Jeff. Ever think about writing a science fiction story?

Jeff: The next book will be more science fiction than the previous books. There will be no ghosts, no aliens this time around. I will be dealing with another subject in the realm of science fiction. Time travel. For the most part I'm keeping things under wraps for the time being. But as a bit of a teaser I will ask this... How far would you be willing to go to save your family's legacy? The new book will explore that question.

Me: I have to ask you about the books cover... is that lighthouse in St. Augustine? Did you take that picture?

Jeff: Jeremy had designed the cover originally but the lighthouse was not the correct style. It was a plain lighthouse without the stripes. The picture on the cover is not the actual St. Augustine lighthouse, but I have many pictures of the lighthouse. Every time I go to St. Augustine that is a required visit.

Me: Okay, so, in January the Phile will be celebrating its 10th anniversary. Wanna be part of it?

Jeff: Of course I want to be a part of such an occasion. You don't even have to ask. I'm on board!

Me: Thanks for being back on the Phile. Tell the readers where they can get the book and I will see you back here real next Monday to talk football. Keep writing, my friend.

Jeff: You can find my books on Amazon. Just type in my name or follow this link... Thanks, Jason, and I will talk to you later!

That does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeff for a great interview. The Phile will be back next Sunday with the kids from the band Year of October. Spread the word, not the third. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Have a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

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