Sunday, September 20, 2015

Pheaturing Zach Swain From How Dare You

Hello, kids, and welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. How are you? I have to tell you there almost wasn't gonna be an entry today... I couldn't get in to Blogspot. For some reason I was locked out, and I had no idea how to get in. Anyway, I had to go get a whole new password, which was a pain as I didn't remember my old password, and then prove who I was. Anyway, I'm here now, I have a lot to talk about, so let's get started.  A man who took 35 Viagra in an hour had a hard time with the results. A British man took 35 Viagra pills in one hour resulting in an erection for five days and a trip to the hospital. Thirty-six year old Daniel Medforth took them as a joke with a friend after they'd been drinking for an entire weekend. As everyone else in the world except for this guy knows, taking 35 pills of anything is incredibly dangerous and stupid. Especially when it might make your heart and penis explode at the same time. Nobody wants to go out like that. Daniel is lucky to be alive, and described the experience with some details you would expect, and others you would not: "I ended up feeling sick, dizzy and hallucinating... everything I saw was green. And I had a massive erection that would not go away. Fortunately my wife has forgiven me and I realize I have been very, very lucky." He has a wife and two kids! Not only is he lucky he escaped death, he's lucky he didn't leave behind children with the worst story ever about how their dad died. Perhaps overdosing on Viagra was an easier thing to deal with than the hell his wife was going to give him for disappearing on a weekend bender. Regardless, scaring your wife like that is a dick move.  Steve Rannazzisi of "The League" just lost his job as spokes-guy for Buffalo Wild Wings. All because he spun a wild web of lies about surviving 9/11. In "The League," Steve plays a beer-drinking, wing-loving, football-fantasizing everydude, but it looks like the sports bar chain doesn't want to associate with him. Guess they don't want people to be thinking about the consequences of their actions while eating Buffalo Wild Wings. Rannazzisi's lie, although crazy and stupid, isn't that uncommon. Apparently, people lie about 9/11 a lot. On the bright side, wing mascot Steve's story is less of a downer than sandwich bummer Jared.  Jessica Simpson made her first appearance on HSN this week, and her rambling, slurred words led many to believe that she might have been drunk during the broadcast. The president of HSN, Bill Brand, made a statement denying that she was drunk, praising Jessica and her appearance. He did note that finding stuff to talk about for two hours on live television can be tricky, and insisted it had nothing to do with booze. "Of course she wasn't drunk. She was here. She was thrilled to be here. I can tell you our team loved working with her." The HSN team would probably have loved working with her even if she was drunk. Because that would be hilarious and a nice change of pace during a very long, boring broadcast. So alcohol has been ruled out as a cause of her behavior, but no one has denied pills!  Lindsay and Dina Lohan each lost a defamation lawsuit against Fox News for comments they made during a broadcast in which they said the dynamic duo did cocaine together. The actress and her nightmare stage mom sued for comments made in 2014 when a discussion panel guest said “Lindsay Lohan’s mom is doing cocaine with her.” The judge's reason for dismissing Lindsay's case was that "truth is a defense." Ouch! Lindsay can't sue a news channel for saying she did coke because she totally did coke. Even her Instagram captions make her sound like she's on coke. The system works. The judge also dismissed the case Dina filed, on the grounds that she's a public figure so the comment wasn't made maliciously. We can only assume that the judge dropped a microphone after handing down both decisions. As for Lindsay and Dina, they can go back to doing what they do best: cocaine.  By now, you've probably read the story of Ahmed Mohamed. The 14 year old Texas student built a clock by himself and brought it into school to impress his teachers, only to be arrested because one of them thought it might be a bomb. People all over the Internet have rushed to Ahmed's defense, lambasting the school for being bigoted and paranoid. Beyond the discrimination issues, this story is a pretty dismal reflection on the state of education in the U.S. That's the point Commander-in-Chief Barack Obama wanted to make in his first response, which appeared (where else?) on Twitter...

Inspiring kids to like science is what makes America great, when it happens. The bright side is that this story might actually do that. Science never looks more badass than when it gets you unjustly arrested in front of your whole school. That's so punk rock. The POTUS has your back, kid.  Do you kids have a Fitbit? I don't. I don't wanna know how many steps I take during the day, that's depressing. But they have Fitbit badges for the extremely lazy, so maybe I will get one. Check it out.

Haha.  So, how are your kids doing in school this year so far? Some kids deserve extra credit for their smart-ass homework answers. Check it out.

Exactly.  I was in store the other day and I happened to walk by the children's book section and I spotted a book that I don't think is right.

What? Why would it be called that?  One of the things I like to do in my spare time is to go on Twitter and look up certain words. One of those words I look up is "Foghat." This is a tweet I saw recently.

Haha. Okay, kids, and now for this week's...

Top Phive Questions I'd Like To Hear At The Next Republican Debate
5. Mr. Trump, now that you're seeing Carly Fiorina up close, would you like to mock her looks more specifically?
4. Governor Huckabee, would you buy Kim Davis a cake to celebrate her prison release if it was from a gay-owned bakery?
3. Mr. Carson, as a former neurosurgeon, do you find it ironic that your comments leave people thinking, "He's no brain surgeon."?
2. Senators Paul, Rubio and Cruz... can you please answer your questions in unison so we have more time for Mr. Trump?
And the number one thing I'd like to hear during the next Republican debate is...
1. Governor Bush, now that Mr. Trump has totally emasculated you, have you found it necessary to wear a smaller underwear size?

Moses Malone 
March 23rd, 1955 — September 13th, 2015
The "Chairman of the Boards" is now as stiff as one.

Ha. That's a real easy one, I hope. Okay, before we continue I have to tell you about something that I think is very cool. Do you love vinyl? Do you love t-shirts? I do too! Get a unique record store tee from record stores around the world delivered to your mailbox monthly from Vinyl Shirt Club. Click…/vinyl-shirt-club-subscriptions. It's really cool, kids.

Okay, so, something is happening a few days from now apparently, or is supposed to happen. I am not sure what but a friend of the Phile knows all about it. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

Good morning, humans. Happy Sunday, Phuckerz... So... it would seem there is a large amount of chatter about some catastrophic event taking place on September 23rd, 2015. All this talk about the end of the world. About the Cern opening up an abyss from which the Anti-Christ will emerge and wreak havoc on earth. About an asteroid being long hidden by our combined governments, smashing us all to bits. Rubbish... all of it. If there was a grain of truth to any of this, I would have been forewarned by those who sent me here... and I'd be packing to leave. Random fact... Each fall millions of monarch butterflies migrate to Mexico for the winter. Each spring they make the journey back to the United States and Canada. Some traveling as much as 3,000 miles each way. Over the past 15 years, their numbers have diminished from over a billion to just over 57 million. Why? Some say that the main reason is the fact that the milk weed plant (the only item in their diet) is vanishing due to a chemical widely used in most pesticides. Solution? Everybody get your hands on milk weed seeds and plant them wherever you can. Unless, of course... you feel the world would be better off without these beautiful creatures.

I have no idea what milk weed is. Good job, Laird. Okay, the 31st artist to be in the Phile's Art Gallery is Ivan Lovatt and this is one of his pieces...

That one is for you, Sam. Anyway, Ivan will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's pheatured guest is the drummer in the Orlando-based punk band How Dare You, whose latest CD "The King, the Clown and the Colonel" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Zach Swain from How Dare You.

Me: Hello, Zach, welcome to the Phile, man. How are you?

Zach: Very good, man! Thanks for taking the time to check us out and hope you dig the record.

Me: It's good to interview a member of a band from Orlando, as I don't do that often. Are you originally from this part of the world?

Zach: I don't know where all of the guys are from to be honest... I know we are all at least from the east coast and most of us grew up in the Orlando area. We enjoy it here. The scene for the style of music we play isn't very big, but its enough to keep things fun.

Me: I lived in Orlando for awhile myself, but now live in Clermont. I bet you don't get out here to often, do you? There's not many places for How Dare You to play here, is there?

Zach: Oddly enough I am in that area from time to time with work. I always try to keep an eye out for places to play and yeah... I don't think there is ANYTHING in Clermont to play. I do love the area and even considered moving out there. But I don't think it is very conducive to punk rock.

Me: I have to ask you about the band name, Zach. Was the band named after the 10cc album. You do know who 10cc are, right?

Zach: LOL... Yes, I do and no the name didn't come from that. I wish I had a better story about the band name but to be honest... It was the only damn thing we could agree on.

Me: Who is in the band with you, Zach, and how did you all meet? You all seem pretty young to me. 

Zach: To try and keep a long story somewhat short. The band pretty much started with Justin and Elliot (guitars and vocals). They were in a band together and due to member changes they decided to start something new. Through mutual friends they met me and I have played with Seth (bass) for years in other bands. Things started off kinda slow, the goal of this band has basically been to do things at our own pace and have fun.

Me: I heard a rumor that you or some of your band members work at Disney, am I right? I have worked at Disney for over 27 years and love it. Do you like working there, or having Disney in your town?

Zach: Dunno where you heard that... I have been to Disney a few times. Seth our bassist is a rather dorky kid and I am sure he loves it.

Me: Been on the new Star Tours ride yet?

Zach: I didn't even know there was one. I must be out of touch.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your music, as that's why you're here, not to talk about Disney World. Who does most of your song writing, Zach?

Zach: It's a group effort... One of the guys will bring in a piece, usually it's Justin. He will come in with a bunch of ideas and the rest of us piece everything together and add our flavor. I have always been good at arrangement, Elliot has always been good at adding guitar melody's and I am not really sure why we keep Seth around. He is basically a pain in the ass.

Me: Haha. I downloaded both of your albums from iTunes, man, and really like them. Have you been listening to punk music most of your life?

Zach: All of us have, we all grew up on it. I guess that's why some of us think this new resurgence in punk is rather strange. We have playing playing music like this in one form or another for years. At the sometime none of us are really stuck on just one style of music. We have respect for pretty much anything out there. I know I do, music is music. Yes, even country. I don't mean pop country cookie cutter bullshit. I love folk and all kinds of things. I am pretty sure most of the other guys do as well. 

Me: What bands are you into?

Zach: The Weakerthans, Ryan Adams, The new Small Brown Bike album is pretty awesome... I could list some other things but it would probably embarrass my band mates. Our singer Justin loves the band Pennywise, I know that most of his musical influence comes from them. Many of our song subjects are about friendship and "brotherhood." I know the song "Bro Hymn" was a huge influence on him.

Me: I love the album "The King, the Clown and the Colonel." Where did that title come from? What does it mean?

Zach: I could give the secret away but I think you'll figure it out.

Me: Okay. So, who did the cool album cover work? Very impressive.

Zach: Keith Rosson, and yeah, the dude is pretty amazing. He has done all of or album art. The trick we have learned with him is too let him kinda run wild. We will bounce a few ideas off of him and let him run with it. He has never disappointed us.

Me: Hey, I did get it. Q: Duh! Burger King, McDonald's and KFC. I am an idiot. Are you fans of those restaurants? What about Chick-Fil-a or Taco Bell?

Zach: Two of us are on a health kick right now so we try our best to avoid fast food. But if it was my pick?! I would have to go with Chick-Fil-a. I HATE Taco Bell for some reason. And Popeye's is way better than KFC.

Me: Haha. On your first album you have a song called "East At Charlie's." I am guessing you mean Charlie's, the restaurant, or is Charlie someone you know?

Zach: Justin has told me many times what the song was about, I suppose I should have paid attention. I guess I could use this opportunity to make something up... When I was a little kid I had a turtle named Ralph, I suppose that could have been Charlie. Let me talk to Justin and see what he thinks.

Me: My favorite restaurant is BJ's, but "Eat At BJ's" sounds wrong. What do you think?

Zach: Sounds like my kind of place. Sounds like a truckers paradise.

Me: Okay, this is getting stupid. Zach, I am guessing you play all over Central Florida, but any plans to tour the rest of the country?

Zach: We are working on trying to get to Europe and we plan on doing some weekend shows across the U.S. as time allows. We don't have the time to really tour very hardcore. So we play as much as we can.

Me: So, are you guys planning on your next album already?

Zach: Not yet, just working on playing as many shows as possible and getting the record out there. 

Me: Thanks so much for being on the Phile, Zach. I hope this was fun, and please come back again soon, okay? Do you wanna plug your website or anything?


Me: Take care, and I hope to see you in concert soon.

Zach: Thank you so much!!

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Laird Jim and Zach Swain. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum Michael Fargnoli from another Orlando based band Hadley's Hope. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker


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