Saturday, October 26, 2013

Pheaturing Harmful If Swallowed


Hey there, welcome to the Phile. How are you? Man, I don't know where you live, but here in Central Florida the weather is perfect. I don't like being outdoors, but right now I wish I was.  Okay, let's talk about a story from England, my homeland. Shreddies Ltd, a U.K.-based underwear company, has created a line of boxers and briefs made with Zorflex, a material used in anti-chemical warfare suits, to neutralize the smell of the wearer’s farts. The underwear can supposedly filter out 200 times the strength of the average man-made gas attack and is useful for people with disorders such as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Crohn's disease and a strong affinity for Taco Bell. I think I need to get my cousins to send me a pair. Just saying.  German Chancellor Angela Merkel called Barack Obama to express her unhappiness upon hearing the news... reported by Der Spiegel, via information leaked by Edward Snowden, that the NSA has been monitoring her cell phone calls. She told him that “such practices must be stopped immediately.” According to a spokesperson, Obama assured Merkel “that the United States is not monitoring and will not monitor the communications of the chancellor.” Or, to put it another way, he lied. The NSA wouldn't have to tap Angela Merkel's phone if she would just give up her apple strudel recipe already.  This is a crazy story... A 19 year old black man from Queens is suing the New York Police Department and Barney’s department store after he was arrested for buying a $350 Ferragamo belt with his debit card that store employees and police officers assumed must have been stolen. Trayon Christian was held in police custody for 42 minutes before his card was authenticated and is probably planning to spend whatever money he’s awarded on a really nice pair of cuff links.  A 17 year old girl hanged herself in her Parbhani, India bedroom earlier this week after her parents forbade her from logging on to her Facebook account so that she could concentrate on her school work. "I cannot stay in a home with such restrictions as I can't live without Facebook,” the teen wrote in her suicide note. It is sad she had to leave a suicide note the old fashioned way rather than a Facebook status update.  Ted Kremer, the 30-year-old fan with Down Syndrome who served as guest batboy for the Cincinnati Reds for one game last August... has been issued his own baseball card from Topps, and it’s already being traded on eBay for as much as $160, which is pretty good considering he didn’t even need to pump himself full of steroids to get it.  Are you big Nickelback fan who keeps a spare can of Axe Body Spray in the glove compartment of your Jeep Grand Cherokee? Well, who isn’t? But are you also presently uninsured? If so, the Colorado health care system had you in mind when they rolled out their Brosurance marketing campaign. Brosurance is kind of just exactly like Obamacare, but for dudes with tribal band tattoos. You should see the poster advertising his... check it out.


On the new iPad Air, the Obamacare website crashes four times as fast.  Unfortunately, you’re going to have to hold up on that foosball table or stationary bike or whatever dumb thing it was that you were planning to buy with next year’s tax refund check. For a couple weeks at any rate. Thanks to the two-week-long government shutdown earlier this month, the Internal Revenue Service is not even going to start processing tax returns until two weeks late next year. Because, like all government agencies, the IRS a well-oiled precision machine, and one little hiccup will have ripple effects for months and years to come. In fact, rumor has it, they’re still struggling with the fallout from a busted elevator for half-an-afternoon back in ’07. Has there ever been a rap song where the rapper brags about the size of their tax return?  Now that the St. Louis Rams' starting quarterback has been sidelined for the remainder of the season with a torn ACL, it appears as though former-Bronco/former-Jet/former-Patriot Tim Tebow is being considered to take his place briefly and then get dropped in favor of another thrower. However, it remains possible that Tebow will be pre-dropped before actually being signed.  So, have you heard that new song "What Does the Fox Say?" I think that's the name of it. The video is going viral on YouTube. Anyway, if you wonder what does the fox say I can tell you. The fox doesn't say shit.


The fox has the rights to remain silent. That is so stupid. Haha. Back when I was a kid the fix said boom boom! Probably only 2% of my readers got that.  So, Disney, the greatest company to work for in the world, has a new movie coming out called Frozen. I didn't know what it was about until I saw this picture.


And I thought the fox picture was stupid. What happened to his arm? And what the hell is he supposed to be frozen in? Friggin' lame.  Alright, well, it's October and all this month I have been showing you breast cancer awareness posters that are creative but controversial. Wanna see another one?


Komen Italia onlus (Komen Italy non-profit Organization) commissioned this print breast cancer ad encouraging readers to donate funds for breast cancer prevention. The text says: “For ninety percent of breast cancer there is a cure that leaves no marks. Prevention. Contribute to the fight against breast cancer.” Thanks Google translator.  In a few days it's Halloween, and you might be trying to figure out what you are gonna dress you kid up as. Well, here's something you don't want to do.


It's a Naughty Leopard... sized for a 2-year-old. Consumerist first posted an image of the getup, spotted at Walmart, and outrage quickly... and not surprisingly... ensued. It looks nothing like a leopard so I don't get it. Oh, well. And now for some sad news...



Marcia Wallace
Nov 1, 1942 - Oct 25, 2013
She starred in both "The Angry Beavers" as well as "That's My Bush!" Seems like she was trying to tell us something.





If you spot the Mindphuck email me at thepeverettphile@gmail.com. Okay, it's week 8 of the NFL season and once again it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.



Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back.

Jeff: It's great to be back on the Phile.

Me: First of, I have to ask, last Sunday you said, "Because Lori likes winning, and not duplicating other's picks." I had people asking me what you meant by that, and I didn't know. What did you mean by that?

Jeff: Actually, I wasn't the one who said that. Lori was. You misquoted it. All she meant was that you and I picked the same games, and she didn't want to duplicate our picks so she picked other games.

Me: Oh, okay, that makes sense. I didn't realize you and I picked the same games. I should pay more attention. Alright, I have to say I'm so glad the Giants finally won, but it was still a messy game. This was an easy win though, right?

Jeff: In the NFL there are no such things as easy wins, unless you are playing Jacksonville. Sorry, but it's true. Yes, a win is a win. The Steelers have won 2 in a row. So look out! They are on fire!

Me: So, I mentioned this in the monologue... Tebow might play in the NFL again. Have you heard this story?

Jeff: There is a chance that Tebow might still play this year. We have seen a lot of Quarterbacks go down with injuries and I know that at least one team contacted him. But the same team also contacted a gentleman by the name of Brett Favre. So that tells you how desperate St. Louis is for a starting quarterback. With the injury to Sam Bradford, they need someone under center for the rest of the year!

Me: We'll see what happens. What NFL news do you have for us?

Jeff: Like I said, the biggest news is injuries. If it's not players with concussions, then it's leg injuries. I have never seen more players get hurt like we are seeing this year. I think the NFL is in for a lot more rule changes in the offseason for player safety, I just don't know what else they can do.

Me: Okay, last weeks picks, how did we do?

Jeff: Last week one team went 2-0 with a win. The other two went 0-2, one won one lost. And by process of elimination I can tell you I had my best week in the standings earning 7 points. I still trail by 7 points, but I am gaining on Lori. You gained one point, Jason. So the points are 27 Points for Lori, 20 points for me and 13 points for you.

Me: What?! I'm in last place? Shit. Alright, let's get to this week's picks. I say Panthers by 6 and Kansas City by 9. What do you both say?

Jeff: My picks are New England by 14 points and San Francisco by 10 points. Lori has made her picks as well and they are Seattle by one and Carolina Panthers by two.

Me: Good job as always, Jeff. I'll see you back next Sunday.

Jeff: Until next week we will see you later!



It's 6:01 pm, 76°F and Kelly is now married! Aggghhhhh!!!!!


I cannot wait for the divorce announcement. Alright, it's that time again. He's a singer, patriot, renaissance man and phriend of the Phile. You know what time it is.


Random thought of the day... Why is it that when I walk into any deli and order a turkey and swiss hero, I get a MOUNTAIN of turkey and two thin slices of swiss? Is there some great swiss cheese shortage that I'm not aware of... are we now rationing swiss? I didn't order a TURKEY & swiss hero... WTF? Idiot: "Who do you think you are, comin' in here dressed like that?" Me: "Sigh... not again... Well, It would seem, I'm a guy wearing an asshole magnet." Idiot: "Huh?" Me: "Exactly.... You may want to step back son, I just got this suit out of the cleaners and I'd hate to get your blood on it." Bartender: "Don't start trouble in here, John... this guy looks like a cop." Me: "No, ma'am, if I was, he'd be in a much safer position than his current predicament." Idiot: "What's that supposed to mean, prettyboy?" Me: "It means... if you're still standing here when I finish this glass of bourbon... I'm going to make you eat the empty glass." Bartender: "I don't want any trouble in here... take it outside." Me: "Yea, John... let's take a walk and get some fresh air." Idiot: "I don't have time for this shit... I got next game." Me: "Smart boy... Keep the change, ma'am." Good night, my freaky little darlings.





Today's pheatured guests are the four guys that make up the punk rock California band Harmful If Swallowed whose new EP "Allergy" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile Greg Martin,  Josh Loren, Carlos Nieto III and Brian Martinez from... Harmful If Swallowed.


Me: Hey there, guys, welcome to the Phile. How is it going?

Greg: Great, man! Thanks for having us!

Me: Harmful If Swallowed has been around as long as the Phile, since 2006, so this is the band's 7th year. You had quite a few releases in the years you've been a band. What has been the band's biggest success? 

Greg: We would have to say our biggest success is our relationship with KROQ & MTV.

Me: You're based out of Los Angeles. Are you all from there?

Greg: Yup, we reek of it!

Me: So, which one of you founded the band, or did you all know each other before hand?

Greg: My brother Josh and I are the founders; we recruited Carlos from an ad in LA Weekly. The minute Carlos strummed his first cord it was instant chemistry. We haven't been able to shake him ever since!

Me: Who came up with the band name Harmful If Swallowed? You didn't name the band after the Dane Cook comedy album, did you? That would be lame.

Brian: Greg and Josh did. No, we didn't name the band after Dane's album, but trust us we get shit for it on a regular basis. Recently, Greg ran into Dane Cook at a Mansion (we won't mention the name ;). Cook laughed about the band name and replied, "What a great name for a band".

Me: You guys kinda remind me of Bowling For Soup in a way, but I could be way off. What bands did you guys listen to growing up, or are influenced by now?

Greg: Bowling for Soup. Wow! Haven't heard that one before! We are influenced by so many, but if we we're to choose we would have to say Rush, Bad Religion, Face to Face and Fugazi.

Me: You guys opened for Korn and LIT, how was those shows?

Greg: Amazing shows! Korn was a great show, and definitely in our top 5 most memorable. We opened to a sea of peeps, and when Korn took the stage they killed it and five songs in they had already violated noise ordnance. LIT was a very memorable show as well. We were direct support for them, which made the show even more unforgettable. The guys of LIT were so nice and put on a great show.

Me: If you could open for any band who would it be?

Josh: Green Day again for sure, and we are just dying to open up for Barbra Streisand!

Me: I am sure you are. LOL. Let's talk about your latest release, the EP "Allergy". How does this EP differ from your past material?

Josh: "Allergy" is just a taste of what's yet to come for Harmful listeners, it's a six-song sampler that shows how much we have evolved.

Me: And I have to ask you about the little girl on the cover, is that the same little girl in the video for "Sabrina (Little Angel)", your new single?

Josh: The girl on the cover is a stock image. We fell in love with it the moment we saw it.

Me: The little girl in the video then, I have a screenshot of the video here...


Me: Cute kid. Is Sabrina her real name? Is she related to one of you guys?

Josh: The little girl in the video is the daughter of one of Carlos' friends who used to go see us play in our early days. The little angels name is actually Camilla.

Me: Greg, I read the band kinda started when you picked up a Paul Reed Smith guitar. I don't know much about those guitars, what made you pick this guitar up? Did any of your idol's or influences play it?

Greg: Actually Brian, our rhythm guitar player, played one and always ranted and raved about it before he joined us, I also knew that Alex Lifeson of Rush played one. So I splurged to see what the hype was about. It was nothing short of perfection.

Me: What's so special about this make of guitar and how did this change you?

Greg: It was magic when a sat down with that thing. I wrote our first two albums on my PRS. PRS guitars are custom made and they just feel and sound amazing.

Me: What were you playing before?

Greg: I was playing Jackson & Charvel before.

Me: Did any of you other guys have an epiphany?

Carlos: I had been using different basses throughout the years, but one day picked up the Fender Geddy Lee at The L.A. Guitar Center and was hooked! I sold my Schecter and a few other things and shelled out some serious cash for it. Best investment I've ever made!

Me: Carlos, you are not only a member of the band, but you are an artist as well. Shit, if I would of known I would of chosen your artwork to be pheatured in the Peverett Phile Art Gallery. Will you come back on the Phile and be a pheatured artist and we can talk about your paintings?

Carlos: I'd love that! Thanks!

Me: In the meantime, do you guys have a website?

Greg: Yes it's harmfulifswallowedband.com.  

Me: No, I meant does Carlos have a website for his art?

Carlos: Carlosnietoiiiart.com.

Me: What do you other guys think about Carlos' work?

Greg: Carlos is a true artist. With any piece of work this man does, whether with a bass or a paintbrush, we are convinced he can do it all.

Me: So, what's next for you guys? You just came out with the EP, will you be releasing a new full length?

Brain: Yes, we are currently writing new material, and will be releasing a single in the next couple of months to conglomerate our future full-length release.

Me: So, I have to ask, who does the main songwriting for the band?

Josh: Greg does, and we add all our final touches to it.

Me: Alright, on the Phile I ask random questions thanks to Tabletopics... are you ready? This is fucking dumb... what's your favorite quotation?

Greg: "If you work hard enough, and you want it bad enough... dreams do come true. So follow your dreams, cause we all die young"... Chris.

Me: That's good. Thanks for being on the Phile, guys. Please come back again when your next release comes out, and Carlos, would you want to come back and talk about your artwork? Please say yes.

Carlos: You just let me know when and I'm there!

Me: Thanks again, and continued success, guys.




That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jeff Trelewicz, Laird Jim and the guys from Harmful If Swallowed. The Phile will be back tomorrow with singer songwriter Jonus Preston. Then on Monday it's William Brunksjill, the lead singer for the band Autopsy Boys and there's gonna be another entry on Tuesday with Mikey Shiraz, lead singer for the band Mr Shiraz. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever!



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