Monday, March 25, 2013

Pheaturing The Fresh Topping

Hey, kids, welcome to another entry of the Phile... the third in a row. Happy Passover to my Jewish readers. It does start today, right?  A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Well, what a genius this guy is. Let's pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline. Hey, if you think it costs a lot to fill up your tank now, just wait until Starbucks is involved. You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever.  Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do Jurassic Park-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that! Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there's hope for m,y shoulder.  The new Pope worked as a bouncer in a nightclub. You don't think of that as step No. 1 on your way to the top, do you? I believe he's the only Pope who has ever said, "You've had enough, Miss Lohan."  A chicken in China laid a giant egg. When they cracked the egg open, they found two yolks in it. Then they found, inside the egg, another egg. And when they cracked that egg open, it had another yolk in it. The chicken gave birth to a Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.  During his visit to Israel, President Obama's limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: "Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?" Speaking of the president, he filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. It's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.  A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, "That's your Plan A?"  The University of Colorado says the idea that sleep deprivation causes weight gain is much worse than previously thought. They say insomnia can cause almost immediate weight gain. Well, that should help you sleep, huh? Not only are you tired, you're going to be fat, too.  A new report shows that one in six Americans is now Hispanic. Well, the other five are also Hispanic. They are just not Americans. Justin Bieber announced that he’s growing a mustache. I guess we’ll just have to take his word for it.  Alright, so yesterday I had Noel MacNeal on the Phile who played beat in "Bear In the Big Blue House" and he said Bear will not be coming back. Well, he was wrong. I just found out there's gonna be a new series with Bear.

If only that were true. Groan.  So, did you know they sold Axe body spray and deodorant in North Korea? I didn't, until I saw this ad...

Are they crying with happiness or sadness? I'm guessing the latter. Cartoons are a lot more violent it seems today then I was a kid. They say the violence has been toned down but I'm not so sure.

I never did like Tom and Jerry, and now they are both gone.  I have to show you this, a Phile reader sent this to me. They said it was from Rolling Stone magazine, but I've never seen this picture before. It's funny, my dad is holding a baseball bat, and he never played baseball in his life.

Well, it's "The Great Space Coaster" Month for one more week, and this month I have been showing you pictures of actual people on actual coasters. Don't ask me why, I have no bloody idea. Anyway, here's one more, kids.

What are those guys in the back doing? I have no idea. That's so stupid. Baxter would definitely kick those two off the space coaster. And now for another...

And now from the home office in Coasterville, here is...

Top Phive Things Nicki Minaj Said On "American Idol" That Could Of Been Said By Hannibal Lecter
5. "That's my girl, you are back... you are a little marshmallow that I want to eat!"
4. "I... am... obsessed... with... you... I'M GONNA EAT HIM!"
3. "I want to skin you and wear you!"
2. Your weirdness and awkwardness excites me... I want to cradle you in my arms. You remind me of my little brother."
And the number one thing Nicki Minaj said that could of been said by Hannibal Lecter...
1. Of course, you know you are a crazy psycho, and I love that."

Alright, as I said, it's Passover. I do not know what Passover is, or what it means, or how it started to I thought I would invite an expert to explain it. So, please welcome to the Phile, the brand new character...

After the tenth plague, the slaying of all the Egyptian first born, Pharaoh told Moses the Jews were free to leave Egypt. So the Jews packed their carts with their belongings and tried to leave. The problem was, with all the dead Egyptians, the funeral homes could not handle the demand. The end result was streets littered with coffins. With the streets impassable, the Jews couldn't get there carts out of their driveways. They complained to Moses, "We can't get out of Egypt unless you do something about these blocked streets". Moses in turn, called out to God. "Lord, please do something about this coffin problem." Understand with all the commotion it was hard for God to hear what Moses was saying. He thought Moses said "Coughin" and responded by turning all the wine into cough syrup. And that is why, to this day, we drink Passover wine that resembles cough syrup.

Um... I don't know if that really what happened. Thanks, Jerry. I guess.

Okay, now for the 25th book to be added to The Phile's Book Club.

From the day Doc Watson stepped off the bus in New York City, the North Carolina music legend changed the world forever. His influence has been recognized by presidents and by the heroes of modern music. This is the first comprehensive biography of Doc Watson, with never before released details about the American guitar icons life. Featuring new interviews with popular musicians: Ben Harper, Michelle Shocked, Warren Haynes, Sam Bush, Bela Fleck, and many more... This book is available from Amazon or your local book store. The author, Kent Gustavson, will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's pheatured guest is a parody songwriter whose self-titled album and the new single "Redwings Will Never Flap Together" are both available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... The Fresh Topping.

Me: Hello, sir, and welcome to the Phile. How are you?

The Fresh Topping: I’m good, how about yourself?

Me: Not bad. Okay, I have to ask you, what's with the picture of the ghost? And what does the S stand for on his chest?

The Fresh Topping: Haha, that’s not a ghost. It’s a sperm. He is Super Sperm.

Me: Um... okay. So, I have to ask you, before we really start, what should I call you? Fresh? Fresh Topping? How do you like to be addressed?

The Fresh Topping: Nick works.

Me: Okay, Nick. While we are on the name, what does The Fresh Topping mean? Where did that name originate from?

The Fresh Topping: Well, originally I was going to go with Sperm Sample. I thought, however, that might just turn some people off to start with. I came up with Nicki Crepes and The Fresh Topping… it starts with probably my favorite episode of "Two and Half Men", the Charlie Waffles episode(s). I wanted to go something along that route and wound up with Nicki Crepes. The Fresh Topping just sounded good, it’s a new level of parody as in most people won’t go this raunchy, and you can make a lot of great innuendos with The Fresh Topping.

Me: Alright, let's talk about your music, which is comedy parody, but a lot different from someone say Weird Al Yankovic. Are you a fan of Weird Al, Nick?

The Fresh Topping: I grew up listening to a lot of different music, Weird Al was among them…though mainly because my dad listened to Dr. Demento a lot. It definitely influenced me, though only by the way of doing stilly things. Weird Al is completely family oriented, and even the first parody I wrote at 14, 20 years ago, was very “dirty”. I was more of a 2 Live Crew fan.

Me: Who else are your influences?

The Fresh Topping: Well they don’t just spring from music… they come from movies, books, people I’ve been around. As far as music goes, I love a lot of stuff (though I tend to like older stuff... pre-95 for sure mostly)… Almost any hair metal of the 80’s... Motley Crue, Poison, David Lee Roth, etc. Iron Maiden, NWA, 2 Live Crew, it just goes on and on. Really, other than specific bands/artists in certain genres, I like everything but country and r & b. Movies, all genres, and it’s really hard to nail down a “favorite”. I love movies and TV (that’s the industry I’m actually in). Any Mel Brooks movie, all of George Lucas’ early stuff, stopping after Indie 3 really, Stanley Kubrick, the list goes on and on… I could spend hours going over movies. Books and comics, well comics are comics... not many too choose from in the 80’s really… Books, they range as well, lots of sci-fi... Frank Herbert and his "Dune" novels, Tolkien, Orwell, all Star Wars books, again the list just goes on and on.

Me: Nick, where are you originally from?

The Fresh Topping: I am originally from my dad’s scrotum. I moved from his body, winding my way through tubes, ending up in the fallopian tubes, and finally in the uterus. I spent some time there, like most people, to finally pop out into the gloomy area of Columbus, OH. I moved from there to Southern Cali, though, this is where I was meant to be. No place better than Cali.

Me: Have you been writing parody songs for a long time?

The Fresh Topping: Yes. I started my first one when I was 14, finished it just months before Weird Al came out with his Nirvana parody... which oddly enough was the song I was doing as well, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" or something.

Me: You have a CD out, Nick. How long did it take you to put it together?

The Fresh Topping: I continued writing, not just parodies, for a long time. Never really thought much about putting an album together. One day, though, I decided it would be a cool thing to do and finally I did it.

Me: And how did you choose what songs do parody?

The Fresh Topping: As far as writing them, it’s just what comes to me. I like so many different things spanning decades, that makes it easier. Another thing that definitely helps is having a teenage niece, she listens to (or at least knows) the stuff I would never just listen to on my own. I’ll write a lot of songs at once it seems and then take breaks… as far as choosing what went on the first album, that was tough. I have over 40 more songs finished (written) and about 40-50 more at any given time in the works, we’ll see when I get time to make more.

Me: Tell the readers some of the songs and bands you parody on the album, Nick.

The Fresh Topping: Well, I tend to parody a lot of stuff I personally like, and of course some newer stuff that I don’t. I do however, respect everyone as an artist... they all have talent. For the first album, we cover multiple decades and multiple genres, ranging from the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, all the way to current pop. Some of the bands we parody are Journey (a favorite of mine), Katy Perry, Brian Adams, Bon Jovi (another favorite of mine), Cyndi Lauper and a few others.

Me: Your new single is "Red Wings Will Never Flap Together". I have no idea what that means. Can you explain?

The Fresh Topping: Oh man, hahaha. Let me start by saying a lot of the stuff I write about is stuff I wouldn’t necessarily do myself, I just find the topics and subject matter really funny and I love pushing the envelope. For this song, I listened to Taylor Swift song, oh jeez, dozens of times. Trying to get through it… I like to keep a theme to each of my songs and put them together, as best as you can, in a story fashion. For some it works better than others. Anyway, this song ended up having some good metaphors in it… it’s about a guy who likes to, um, munch on his girlfriend at a particular time of the month, and only then. She gets frustrated with him and really wants him to pleasure her at other times, not just when she’s… well you get the idea. So, the term redwings, as you can imagine, comes from how your face/mouth would look after you come up from a visit to Aunt Flow.

Me: That's fucking disgusting, and I thought it was about birds. Have you heard from Taylor Swift's people on what they think of the song?

The Fresh Topping: Have not heard anything from them. But then again, there’s not much to say. I write everything to where we never mention anyone specific and I never slander anyone. It’s all just humor, albeit very raunchy, and fits firmly within the Fair Use Act.

Me: What about any of the other bands or people you parody? Have you heard from them?

The Fresh Topping: We actually did contact Katy Perry’s people one time, they declined to help “promote it” with Katy... hahahaha. That was it though. We did send copies of the lyrics, and the finished song I think, to Billy’s Joel’s manager. He didn’t seem to have any reaction either way, but was definitely intrigued and was “looking forward to hearing the song”. We didn’t really contact too many after that. We sent a thing to Bon Jovi but he doesn’t do anything with any parodies but always wishes the best of luck to anyone doing them. With so many, good and bad, on YouTube and the fact that the fair use act has been so established, and the fact that I take care not to slander anyone or even mention anyone… not much to hear about really. Q

Me: On the album you have a theme going. You have songs called "Anal", "Analworks", "Anal Wet Or Dry", and even one song called "Rearend". What is this fascination with anal?

The Fresh Topping: It was just coincidence I think. It’s a funny subject, no matter what sexual orientation you are. Of course "Analworks" was more about explosive poo and not sex in the tight love tunnel… but I see where you’re going with it. A lot of songs just turn out that way. I have plenty of other songs that don’t deal with it… more period songs, a song purely about ejaculation, etc. I really just went with those (on the first album) for songs I thought might be catchy and ones I liked the original too. "Rearend", well I just had to do that one… it’s the Biebs! I was actually working on another one all about camel toe, which I will finish, but he announced his new album right when I was like halfway done with it. I had to wait and just do his new “hit” from the new album, whatever it would be. It ended up being "Boyfriend", so naturally I went with "Rearend". It just fit.

Me: You did a video for the song "Porno Man" with Ron Jeremy. I have a photo from the set here.

Me: How did you get Ron to be in the video? Did you know him before hand?

The Fresh Topping: Just called up his agent. It was really easy, actually. Also, I had a friend who worked at the House of Blues on Sunset and knew Ron. He just asked him one night and ended up doing it without his agent.

Me: The song "Porno Man" is a parody of Billy Joel's "Piano Man". Weird Al also paroded that song about Spider-Man. Did you hesitate on doing this song because Weird Al already did a version of it?

The Fresh Topping: I actually had no idea Al did this song until right now. I’ll have to go check that out, haha.

Me: So, your music sounds very close to the originals, Nick. Do you hire musicians or is the music sampled?

The Fresh Topping: Ah yes, something I’m quite proud of. Personally, I used to play the piano, and was quite good at it. However, I do not play any instruments on the album. We do hire local musicians, I like supporting them, and we NO SAMPLES. Every piece of music is re-created from scratch. It’s really a testament to the musicians and my studio engineer, he is pretty amazing. A little side note for anyone aspiring to get into recording side of things, he graduated from the Los Angeles Recording School, a great place. I am currently at the Los Angeles Film School, we work with students from there on various projects.

Me: And who does the singing? You sing on "Porno Man", am I right?

The Fresh Topping: I did do the singing on "Porno Man". I felt since it was a tribute song I had to do it, no matter how it turned out.

Me: Do you play any instruments, and play or sing on the album or are you just the writer?

The Fresh Topping: I played the piano for many years. It is my favorite instrument but I do not currently play. I wrote everything and produced the whole album. Friends of mine sang for me.

Me: I have a band, if that's what you want to call it, called Strawberry Blondes Forever, where I write the lyrics but a friend named Fogdan records and sings and plays on the songs. It's almost the same deal with you, right?

The Fresh Topping: Yes. I write everything but I also produced the whole thing.

Me: So, did you write any songs not about sex?

The Fresh Topping: Songs, well yeah I guess. There are some about excrements ("Analworks"), feminine problems ("Redwings")... Well, okay, that’s about sex as well I guess, but bloods on the pad isn’t!. I have a lot of other songs written, there’s a few that aren’t about sex. However, with the songs, I tend to do them in these fashions. Other stuff that I write, stuff for film and TV, take a completely different turn… sci fi, horror, comedy (some raunchy but not all), very emotional stuff. I will end up directing as much as I can… it’s all about emotion for me, no matter what I’m doing really, aside from the songs, that’s just pure disgusting comedy.

Me: Okay, so, you have a new single out, Nick. Are you putting together a new full length?

The Fresh Topping: I will at some point. I’m not concerned with sales or anything, so I’ll always do this on the side. Right now, though, I’m pretty busy with school. Writing and preparing to film a bunch of stuff in the upcoming months. If I end up selling enough copies of the current stuff, I might be able to do something in the meantime, otherwise it is going to have to wait until I’m done with school. I am hoping to make more music videos… and was totally planning on it at school… but we’ll see how much time I have to really make them. I have too much other stuff I want to make that is more geared towards my film career. I might hand the videos off to other people at school though, those who want to just make music videos, and see if they want to make.

Me: So, on the Phile I ask random questions thanks to a bunch of cards called Tabletopics. Here we go... If you could do something dangerous just once with no risk what would you do?

The Fresh Topping: Oooooooo that’s a good question. With absolutely no risk at all… so whatever I would do I would have this magical protective field… I think I’d have to have sex with Pam Anderson. It would be the only time available to do it and not catch a few things.

Me: Nick, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Go ahead and mention your website and please come back when your next release is out.

The Fresh Topping: Thanks for having me! The website is I would love to come back when we get something else out, even if it’s just as single.

That was a nice interview in a month dedicated to a children's TV show. And that's actually the album cover. Really. Well, that about does it for another entry of the Phile. Thanks to The Fresh Topping, or Nick, whatever he wants to be called. The Phile will be back on Saturday with the one and only Gary Gnu from "The Great Space Coaster" and then on Monday with Phile Alum Mike Gent from The Figgs. I'm going leave you with a photo of when  I received my 10 year plaque at Disney 15 years ago. Spread the word, not the turd, and don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Strawberry Blondes Forever!

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