Sunday, March 18, 2012

Pheaturing Lee Abramson For President

Hello, kids, and welcome to the Phile. How are you? Did you have a good St. Patrick's Day? I went to see Soul Asylum in conncert, but it was nothing to do with St. Patrick's Day which I don't celebrate. I am not Irish. St. Patrick's Day... what better way to honor Ireland's greatest saint than to sit on a curb wearing a plastic derby and vomiting in the street. It's weird the way we celebrate St. Patrick's Day in America. Can you imagine if Ireland had a holiday where everyone dressed up like Benjamin Franklin and drank red, white, and blue beer? It would seem like they are making fun of us, right?  Larry King announced he'll be hosting a new daily talk show online. Really, the only place Larry should be online is for the early bird special at Golden Corral. The format of the show will be a little bit different from his TV show. The plan is to make it an hour of Larry staring into a webcam wondering if it's turned on and if anyone can hear him.  Last night we went outside as it was a clear night and got a good view or Jupiter and Venus. Did you see them? Anyway, it was this past week 1781 when we discovered the planet Uranus. Sir William Herschel first observed it. I don't think Uranus would be great to visit. It shines brightly, but it's ice cold, pale white, and very distant. Like Gwyneth Paltrow. The planet furthest away from the sun used to be Pluto. But apparently it wasn't good enough. In 2006, Pluto was downgraded. It's now a dwarf planet, which I think is insensitive. "Little People Planet" would be fine. When I found out Pluto wasn't a planet, I had to relearn everything I knew about Pluto. Luckily, the only thing I knew about Pluto was that it was a planet. One day I wanna see an asteroid though. Asteroids are dull pieces of rock. There are tons of them, and they're in all shapes and sizes. That's why scientists refer to them as Kardashians of the solar system.  A new study says if you eat meat, like hamburgers and hot dogs, it will kill you. So next time you go to a ballpark, do yourself a favor and try the trout. You can't beat ballpark trout.  How about those Republican presidential candidates. Newt Gingrich is behind in delegates. But he's leading in chins.  Well, here in Orlando this past week everybody was talking about Orlando Magic player Dwight Howard. I don't know about March Madness, but it was more like Mach Sadness. No one knew if he was staying with the Magic or going to the Lakers or the Knicks. He decided to stay... for now. Anyway, if you don't know who he is here's a picture. 

That Miami Heat player guy doesn't look happy with Superman up his ass, does he? Thank God the Harlem Globetrotters didn't do that kinda thing.  Okay, did you hear Jason Russell, one of the founders of Invisible Children, whose documentary "Kony 2012" went viral on YouTube as arrested for masturbating in public? He promised to get Knoy arrested by the end of the year and then got arrested himself within a month. Well, like my guest today who is running for President, apprently Jason Russell is as well. I was disturbed when I saw his campaign poster.

Speaking of running for President, people asked me why do people vote for Ron Paul? I thought the best way to describe is with a pie graph. We all know I love pie graphs. 

Okay, now from the home office in Phulfortha City, here is the...

Top Ten Signs You Went To A Lame St. Patrick's Day Parade
10. Smallest leprechaun is 5'10" 260.
9. It's sponsored by O'Doul's.
8. No shamrocks... just ShamWows.
7. At the end of the rainbow... a pot of coffee.
6. Richard Simmons keeps offering to drive the snakes from your pants.
5. Leprechauns keep showing off their lucky charms, if you know what I mean.
4. It's August.
3. The green drinks come straight from the Hudson River.
2. It's delayed because the mayor got lost in a herd of leprechauns.
And the number one sign you went to a lame St. Patrick's Day parade...
1. It's 8:30am and everyone is still sober.

Okay, are you ready for the 14th artist to be pheatured in the P.P.A.G.? He calls hismelf Winetr and this is one of his pieces.

Man, I love it. The Doctor done like a Mickey Mouse watch. Winter will be a guest on the Phile next Monday.

Okay, today's guest is a composer and musician. He was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease. And he is an independent candidate for President of the United States in 2012. Please welcome to the Phile... Lee Abramson For President.

Me: Hello, Lee, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Lee: Outstanding, Thank you!

Me: Man, I have a shit load of questions to ask you. First of, you are the first guest I ever had on the Phile that's running for President. What made you wanna do that kinda thing?

Lee: You read my policies and credentials documents, I have better ideas then Obama or any of the Republican ass clowns running now as to how to run the country

Me: We all know what the candidates are bringing to the table, or what they say they will, so, what do you bring to the table?

Lee: I know the notes in the b flat Myxolydian scale.

Me: You are also the first guest on the Phile they had such a horrible disease. You have Lou Gehrig's, Lee. Or Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). When did you first find out you had it?

February 2005

Me: What was the first thought that went through your head when you were told you had ALS?

Lee: I was devastated and I was anger with God.

Me: You're in a wheelchair now, Lee, how long did it take you to get that bad?

Lee: I have been in a wheelchair for 8 years, but it doesn’t brother that much. Walking is overrated.

Me: Before you came down with ALS, you were a bass player in a few different bands. Did you ever think about giving up on music?

Lee: When I was first handed my diagnosis, I withdrew into a world of playing video games and watching porn all day long. The my friend Errol, the guitar player in the video on my website, told me the only way I could work through this was to start writing music again.

Me: You're a better person then I am. If I ever came down with ALS I defintetly wouldn't continue the Phile, and I would quit working. It'll be adios, people. 

Lee: Thank you.

Me: The first solo project you put out was under the name Ace NoFace. Where did that name come from and why didn't you release the record under your own name, Lee?

Lee: Ace NoFace is an inauspicious in the card Euchre. If someone is deal a hand with one Ace and the rest 9 and 10’s they have the option of throwing the cards and passing the deal to the next person. I chose this Nom DePlume because half the time I was feeling sorry for myself for having ALS.

Me: You record your music with something called ModelTalker, and you were the first person to write music on it. How did you discover that program? Is ModelTalker a program?

Lee: ModelTalker is a text to speech voice synthesizer. It is called a voice banking system. When people are diagnosed with ALS they are encouraged to bank their voices, because the disease causes the inability to speak. What ModelTalker allows you to do is speak in your own voice after you lose the ability to speak naturally. I found out about the program from Dr. John Eulenberg, a Linguistics professor at Michigan State University who also runs the Artificial Language program there. See and

Me: Was it easy to learn?

Lee: Encoding model talker voice takes 6 hours. You have to read about 1,600 sentences into a computer. One of the nice features of ModelTalker is the ability to speak with different moods. For example, angry, cheerful, gloomy, normal and contradiction each of which say the same text but in a way.

Me: You use it with only one finger, am I right? That's very impressive, my friend. The Phile is put together with two fingers, and you are a lot more talented then I am.

Lee: Thank you!!

Me: Instead of using the computer program, did you think of getting other people to sing your songs?

Lee: I am about to release my fifth album, “Abramsomium” it has 19 songs on it. Twelve of which human vocals on it.

Me: So, at Michigan State University they are studing how your music is made. When you first heard that, what did you think?

Lee: If you go to my Wikipedia page there is a link to the reactions to viewing the movie Lee Abramson: The One Finger Musician. I enjoy reading the feedback.

Me: Some of your music is called Rumi music, Lee. What is that exactly?

Lee: When I asked my mother, an English Instructor, to give me suggestions for a poet to set music to she suggested Rumi. She said that his poetry was clearly written by someone who is desperately in love. I wrote this album for the love of my life, Claudia.

Me: Let's talk about your latest CD, and correct me if it isn't. It's "Spices", right? You have released a few albums in a short time. Your creativity must of been flowing. Anyway, how did you come up with the name "Spices" for the album?

Lee: I have always fascinated my spices. I must have 50 bottles of spices in cabinets.

Me: I have you say, well done on calling one of your songs "Pyrate Phunk". I am not the only one who changes an 'F' word to a 'Ph' word. Most readers know why I did it, but why did you do that?

Lee: The song was a collaboration with my friend Tucker Stilley, another musician with ALS. He came up with the title and the music. I did the vocals with ModelTalker and the lyrics are from a 2 Live Crew song.

Me: On the "Vow to Silence" album you have a song called "Claudia". She's someone special in your life, right?

Lee: She is taking dictation from me now and blushing.

Me: How did "Vow To Silence" get to be the album title?

Lee: I don’t know, but it I think it sounds pretty cool anyway.

Me: You also have a song called "Shalom", Lee. Whas it that song about?

Lee: I believe that “Shalom” is a song with mystical properties. It is the uncoverable song. It is the first song that cannot be improved by live performance. Anyone who listens to “Shalom” cannot deny the existence of God, and God was guiding my hand when I wrote it.

Me: What bands are you into, Lee? Is there one band who you'd wish could record your music?

Lee: I wrote a song called “We Are the 99” (on new CD, “Abramsonium”) as anthem for the Occupy Movement. I would love for that song to be performed by any of the hippie ass bands that play to that crowd.

Me: Lee, I have to ask you about this... you were the first person to sell pork rinds on the internet. Man, you're full of firsts. How did you get into that business, and where do you still sell pork rinds?

Lee: The whole story is on

Me: Thanks, man, for being on the Phile. Please come back again sometime and please take care. Go ahead and plug all your websites and tell the readers where they can get the pork rinds.

Lee: Unfortunately, is not open for business anymore. But the website is still up but be sure to check out the pork rind porn. Please enjoy my story and interesting facts about Pork rinds! Abramson for President. Party of God. Current position: Chief Musician. New hope for America through music.

Me: Thanks again, and take care, Lee, and good luck with your presidential run, sir.

Lee: Likewise! 

There you go. That about does it for another entry of the Phile. Thanks to Lee and I wish him lots of luck. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Ben Talmi, lead dinger in the band Art Decade. On Wednesday it's musician Dave Hause and next Sunday it's Matthew Burke, the lead singer in the Florida based band Have Gun, Will Travel and on Monday it's artist Winter. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

No comments: