Thursday, October 16, 2008

Screw Joe the Plumber

Are you ready? Are you ready for the Peverett Phile, the web's most updated blog on the internet. So, yesterday at work I started having chest pains not long after I got there. 911 was called and they came and checked me out, and before I knew it I was in an ambulance and taken to the hospital. Fearing it was my heart, they kept me over night doing all these tests on me. It turns out it wasn't my heart, but GERD. What is GERD, you ask? Gastroesophageal reflux disease. This is commonly due to transient or permanent changes in the barrier between the esophagus and the stomach. This can be due to incompetence of the cardia, transient cardia relaxation, impaired expulsion of gastric reflux from the esophagus, or a hiatus hernia. If the reflux reaches the throat, it is called laryngopharyngeal reflux disease. Nice, eh? What a positive way to start this week's Phile. Anyway, that's what happened. So, now I am out the hospital, and will have to be on this medicine. My wife Jen says it's what happens when you get fat and eat like a pig. GERD. F'ing wonderful. Madonna started her new tour in New York. At the concert, she said she is going to kick Sarah Palin’s ass. That would be one sexy underpants pillow fight. Madonna and Sarah Plain are very different, of course. One is an insane celebrity who has no business discussing politics, and the other one is Madonna. This week, the National Rifle Association endorsed John McCain and Sarah Palin. Gov. Palin is a huge gun enthusiast. She is actually using a shotgun to plan daughter’s wedding. According to a new study this week, eight out of 10 Americans are stressed about the economy. Apparently two out of 10 Americans are in a coma. According to Esquire magazine, Halle Berry is the sexiest woman alive. Take that Angelina Jolie, you washed-up hag. Newsweek magazine is being criticized because last week’s cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Palin says it’s the worst thing the press has done to her since that time they made her answer a question. This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world’s richest countries. The Pope announced that he is going to canonize the first-ever saint from India. Apparently the Indian saint performed three miracles — and fixed the Pope’s computer when his hard drive crashed. In a new interview, Nicole Richie said she has no plans to get married, but it could happen eventually. Then Richie said the same thing about lunch. Two big wildfires are burning in California. Emergency teams are trying to contain the fire. They are trying to drive them to homes that have already been foreclosed on. Gov. Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared . . . or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an éclair. It’s hard to tell with a former bodybuilder from the Black Forest. The last time California had a fire, he tried to slather it with baby oil. I just hope the fires are done by mid November because that's when we're suposed to go to California on vacation. Last night we had the final of three debates between presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain. Instead of arguing, they disagreed to disagree. Obviously, McCain has a lot riding on this . . . he doesn’t have much time left . . . 10 years if he’s lucky. Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart to pick up diapers. Turns out Sen. McCain didn’t need them, though . . .


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Least Popular New TV Shows
10. "Who Wants To Bail Out A Millionare?"
9. "Criminal Mimes"
8. "CSI: Wasilla"
7. "Project Amway"
6. "Hannity and Sean 'Puffy' Combs"
5. "Well-Adjusted Housewives"
4. "Law & Order: O.J. Simpson's Victims Unit"
3. "Larry Craig's BFF"
2. "The New Adventures of Old McCain"
And the number one least popular new tv show... 
1. "Dirty Sexy Peverett"


The Hopkinsville Goblin Case
In 1955, members of the Sutton family were out on their porch enjoying a relaxing visit/drinking binge with their good friend Billy Ray Taylor. Billy Ray decided to go out and get a drink of water from the well, when shit started getting weird.
He ran back in to tell everyone he'd seen some bright lights in the sky and that everyone should come look. According to one member of the Sutton clan, upon stepping outside the Suttons-plus-one encountered: "... a luminous, three-and-a-half-foot-tall being with an oversized head, big, floppy, pointed ears, glowing eyes, and hands with talons at their ends. The figure, either made of or simply dressed in silvery metal, had its hands raised." After seeing these figures coming out of the woods, showing the universal sign of surrender, the Suttons did the only thing they could do: try to kill their asses. As they shot at the defenseless creatures with rifles, they claim to have heard clangs and ricochets as if the aliens were wearing some kind of metal armor. They said the aliens "flipped over and fled into the darkness when shot at." The Obvious Answer: Look at the head of the "creature" then look at the head of the owl. Now, get really, really drunk. We're talking "mid-1950s rural Kentucky" drunk. Ufologist Renaud Leclet admitted, "It could be a misidentification of a pair of Great horned owls, which are nocturnal, fly silently, have yellow eyes, and aggressively defend their nests." Oh, and that sound of metal clanging and ricochets during the shooting? Get drunk and shoot towards a target in front of your tin chicken coup.
So it's either that, or there may still be an interstellar invasion force on the way to retaliate.


Neal Hefti: Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da — DEAD MAN!
Edie Adams:
Goodbye, Mrs. Stoner. Thanks for the brownies.


Ringo Starr doesn't want to hear from you. If you do write, your letter will end up in the trash. That's the message from Richard Starkey, aka Ringo Starr. After 45 years of stardom, he doesn't want to spend any more time answering mail or sending signed photos back to fans. The fan fatigue led the former Beatles drummer to post a sometimes angry sounding short video clip on his Web site telling fans that any mail sent to him after Oct. 20 will not be read or answered. British television stations broadcast the video on Tuesday. "It's going to be tossed," he says on the video. "I'm warning you with peace and love, I have too much to do. So no more fan mail. Thank you, thank you. And no objects to be signed. Nothing. Anyway, peace and love, peace and love." The drummer and singer did not elaborate on the reason behind his decision to cut off a major point of contact with his many fans. Starr, 68, has maintained a very active touring and recording schedule in recent years, drawing large crowds for performances with his All-Starr band. The band plays a mix of old Beatles hits, Starr's many solo offerings, and other classics from the 1960s and 1970s. Starr usually serves as front man, though he sometimes plays the drums. But he has angered longtime fans in Liverpool by telling interviewers that he does not miss his native city. Vandals there beheaded a topiary sculpture of Starr earlier this year — he was the only one of the four Beatles whose likeness was desecrated. The good-natured drummer, who also enjoyed a brief acting career after star turns in Beatles' films "A Hard Day's Night" and "Help!," guest starred on a 1991 episode of "The Simpsons" in which he is shown scrupulously answering every piece of fan mail that comes his way. "They took the time to write to me, and I don't care if it takes 20 years, I'm going to answer every one of them," Starr says on the show. In his mail, he finds a package from Marge Simpson that contains a portrait she painted of him back in the Beatles heyday. He puts it on his wall and writes back to tell her — a few decades late — how much he likes her painting.


Deposed French queen Joséphe Jeanne Marie Antoinette sits in an open cart, enduring three hours of public ridicule as she is slowly driven around the streets of Paris. Finally, she is taken to the guillotine. Before she loses her head, Antoinette tells the crowd: "Farewell, my children, forever. I go to your Father."
American athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos perform a raised-fist Black Power salute during the 200-meter dash medals ceremony at the Mexico City Olympics. Despite being two of the fastest men on Earth (Smith won the gold and Carlos the bronze), the pair are promptly kicked off the U.S. team for their political statement.
In a very special episode of "All in the Family", a rapist holds Edith at knifepoint and pays a compliment on her perfume (Lemon Fresh Pledge). Luckily, Edith manages tofendoff the home invader before he can rape her.
George Hennard crashes his pickup truck through the window of Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen, Texas. Then he hops out and begins shooting the patrons with a Glock 17 semiauto and a Ruger P89. Before ultimately killing himself next to the restaurant's bathrooms, Hennard manages to kill 23 people and wound 19 others.
The Dutchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, files a $1.4M suit against French tabloids for running topless photos of her taken on the French Riviera, including some of Texas millionaire John Bryan sucking her toes. Fergie went on to appear in advertisements for Weight Watchers.
84 are killed and more than 180 injured in Guatemala City when 47,000 soccer fans attempt to squeeze into 36,000 seats at Mateo Flores Stadium. It is the worst tragedy in soccer history.
I was released from the hospital with GERD. Yippee!


A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the hot blonde behind him seems to be checking him and out smiling at him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be interested in him. She seems familiar but he can't place her face. So he says to her, “Sorry do you know me?” She replies, “I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!” His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife. “Christ!” he says. “Are you that hooker from my bachelor party that I banged on the pool table in front of all my friends while another hooker whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a carrot up my ass?” “No,” she replies. “I’m your son’s English teacher.”


Heartburn is the major symptom of gastric reflux into the esophagus, characterized by burning discomfort behind the breastbone (sternum). Findings in GERD include esophagitis (reflux esophagitis) — inflammatory changes in the esophageal lining (mucosa) —, strictures, difficulty swallowing (dysphagia), and chronic chest pain. Patients may have one or more of those symptoms. Typical GERD symptoms include heartburn, regurgitation and chest pain. Aytypical GERD symptoms include cough, asthma, sleep disturbances and hoarseness. GERD complications include stricture formation, Barrett's esophagus, esophageal spasms, esophageal ulcers, and possibly lead to Barretts esophagus or esophageal cancer. Occasional heartburn is common but does not necessarily mean one has GERD. Patients with heartburn symptoms more than once a week are at risk of developing GERD. A hiatal hernia is usually asymptomatic, but the presence of a hiatal hernia is a risk factor for developing GERD. GERD is commonly treated with Proton Pump Inhibitor (PPI) medications which inhibit acid production in the stomach but do not reduce frequency of reflux episodes. Approximately 30% of GERD patients experience inadequate symptom relief while on PPI therapy.


Last Sunday, I came up with a solution to CBS’ constantly delayed start of "The Amazing Race", which inevitably means I’ll see some "60 Minutes" anchor’s face instead of Phil Keoghan’s when I tune in or play back my DVR recording. If they’re going to continue this delayed nonsense and force me to watch Andy Rooney’s pointless bitching (Last week, his insane old man ranting was about how prices increase over time. Breaking news!), at least make it entertaining. Cut "60 Minutes" short by letting it actually overlap with the reality competition, casting Andy Rooney on the race with, say, Larry King. A race around the world will be the perfect occasion for Rooney’s racist and homophobic commentary, and the production can accidentally leave him behind in, say, a Thailand brothel, solving everyone’s problems. Meanwhile, the actual cast went to Bolivia this week, where there were more costumes than drama: Either Kelly or Christy said her sports bra “hurled itself off the ledge”—or Starr did something to it. Starr laughed off the accusation: “How does that get us ahead in anything?” Maybe Nick runs faster with a sports bra? Dallas told us, “I think that this race is really about getting to know each other on a different level.” This is probably not what he meant, but his mother and the rest of the world certainly got to know him on a different level later in the episode when he wore tights—not that the nude photo of Dallas circulating on the Internet didn’t accomplish the same thing when they got home. “I think I look pretty sexy,” the red-headed frat boy said, and the brown-haired one chuckled for the rest of us. Holy shit: The editors completely edited out the teams getting airline tickets. They just magically arrived in Bolivia—and on two separate flights. Finally! The clue instructed teams to “make your way on foot,” but Bill and Ted—I mean, Mark and Bill—ignored that. In the taxi, one of them said, “I don’t want to curse myself and say we’re in first, but I definitely think we’re doing well.” Cue the Cymbal Crash of Foreshadowing. In La Paz, Bolivia, Tina said, “I don’t see how they get around at this altitude,” apparently assuming that everyone in the city had just arrived there, like her. Best descriptive language used by a team during the episode: Marisa and Brooke caught up to the frat boys, who were “just waddling along.” The wooden bikes some teams rode—and crashed—during the Detour may have been genuine and locally crafted, however ridiculous they were, but the helmets with feathers were clearly designed to make them look like idiots. So were the costumes required during the Roadblock, which Phil introduced by saying that said one person had to “set aside all decorum and fight a girl.” Since they were merely participating in choreographed fights with female fighters, what Phil should have said was, “set aside all decorum and squeeze into this brightly colored, skin-tight, superhero-esque leotard and parade around in front of hundreds of locals and a U.S. television audience of millions. Mark and Bill incurred a 30-minute penalty for failing to read the clue, which if you ask me was actually not that significant. But it was enough for Kelly and Christy to beat them to the finish line, and lead to Mark and Bill’s elimination, although Mark’s failure to remember the fight choreography didn’t help, either.


"Suresh. Yeah, he's harmless." Nathan telling Tracy that maybe Mohinder can help them. Ah, the irony. Those who were harmless are suddenly finding themselves much more dangerous. In fact, the three sweetest characters from past seasons, Peter, Mohinder and Claire, are suddenly three of the darkest characters as tonight's episode began. Especially if you factor in their future incarnations. A lot of critics are decrying the meandering plotlines and again overcrowded cast of this show, but I have to say that by the end of this episode, even those naysayers should be on board this train.
The reveal at the end brought together so many elements from the past and really paved an exciting future for us. I was always intrigued by the promise of more attention spent on the first generation of heroes, including Ma Petrelli and Pa Parkman, Linderman and the rest of the "old folks." It looks like we're going to finally see some of that promise come to light and I think it's going to really add something to the mythology being established here.


Despite the heavy hints in Iron Man that Jim Rhodes, best friend to Tony Stark, would come to play War Machine in a future film, it won't be Terrence Howard reprising his role as Rhodes in the forthcoming sequel, but rather Don Cheadle. According to the Hollywood Reporter, there hasn't been a formal announcement by Marvel Studios about it, but the casting swap appears to have come as a result of money matters (natch). Returning still are stars Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow, in addition to director Jon Favreau, as Justin Theroux, fresh off the success of Tropic Thunder, currently tinkers away at the script. Last month, amidst the press blitz for the Iron Man DVD, Favreau confessed to wanting to incorporate both 3-D and IMAX technology in the making of the sequel (to which the world collectively replied "Fuck yeah!").
Alas, it remains for the Paramount/Marvel number-crunchers to determine in which format exactly we'll see Downey Jr. and Cheadle team up come the summer of 2010.


After you read the Phile go to this link: and vote for my brother-in-law. He needs about a hundred votes, and I am hoping you phgans will help him get there.

Well, there you go, another entry of the Phile. The next one will be on the 23rd (Jen and my anniversary) and the last entry of the Phile at AOL will be on the 30th before it gets switched over to Google. So, until then, spread the word, not the turd.

Hey, GURD, don't make me sick, don't make me throw up and end up in hospital. Remember, to keep the acid down, and keep me from being ill and all gastral.
Hey, GURD, I can't eat spicy food, Indian or Mexican, or drink coffee.
And, I'm not supposed to have a beer, but I will, and I might eat toffee.

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