And by dreidle I mean cock and by spin I mean suck. I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. Must be the egg nog. Anyway, welcome to the Peverett Phile. Or as I like to call it, Apolcalypto. Has anybody started Christmas shopping yet? The hottest toy, the biggest toy seller so far for the holidays is this new Elmo doll. Have you read about this? Have you seen it? Apparently, it will bend over – the doll bends over, it will fall on the floor and roll around, it has what they call ‘interactive tickle spots’ – I’m sorry, that’s Paris Hilton. Listen to this: a new poll, one in five Americans believe that they can’t trust President Bush. One in five Americans can’t trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie than trusting President Bush. You know, they had the Iraqi commission report and President Bush says he will now not make a decision about getting out of Iraq till 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought – yeah, unlike getting us into Iraq. Are you always looking for ways to lose weight? Well, according to a new report, you can lose 200 calories a day by having sex. Two hundred calories a day by having sex – I burn up 200 calories just trying to get the safety cap off the Viagra. But I was thinking about it, 200 calories a day – so, well, hell, instead of going on the Jenny Craig diet, you know, you can just go on Jenny Craig. Dennis Kucinich, who ran for President in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Coincidentally, '04 is the number of votes Kucinich received. Over the weekend, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy but today when he tried to fly home, airline security wouldn't let the Heisman Trophy onboard the plane. Apparently, the Heisman has been considered a deadly weapon ever since O.J. Simpson won one. Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan issued a statement saying she hasn't had a drink in a week. When asked how she did it, Lindsay said, "I passed out six and a half days ago." Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI after she was caught driving the wrong way on the freeway. Police knew Richie was going the wrong way because she was headed towards a restaurant. This week in China, the pollution is so bad that residents are being asked to stay indoors. As a result, most Chinese people are staying home and ordering American. Earlier today, the Taco Bell restaurants that had closed during the E. coli outbreak re-opened and assured customers everything is fine. Taco Bell's spokesman said, "Our customers can go back to experiencing the quality diarrhea they're used to." A new U.N report says that methane gas from cows is a bigger contributor to global warming than emissions from automobiles. So this explains Al Gore’s weight gain. Singled handedly he has been taking care of the problem one hamburger at a time. Smog is bad in Tehran, Iran. Apparently they have a huge problem there. It’s so bad that scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb right in front of them while they’re working. Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto is a big hit at the box office. It’s about a group of people that vanish in Mexico. The original title was From Here to Wal-Mart. Kevin Federline might be competing in an upcoming pro-wrestling event. I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling. Actor Wesley Snipes has been arrested. Still no word yet on Osama bin Laden.
WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY
Models, friends, and former drug addicts Tyler and James have won The Amazing Race 10, marking the fifth time in 10 seasons that two white guys in their ’20s or early ’30s have won the race (counting the Linzes, the four-person team of three guys and one female who won the family season, that makes six). Although Lyn and Karlyn made race history as the first all-female team to make it to the final three, but alas, they were all but forgotten after missing an earlier flight from Paris to New York City. The race’s final hour seemed shorter than most legs, and it was definitely shorter than previous finales that were extended to two hours. And with only three teams to make us laugh, there wasn’t a whole lot going on. But a cameo from God and an inadvertent advertisement for E-Z Pass kept us entertained. A look at the funny things they said during the last leg: In his opening narration, host Phil Keoghan said, “Dating couple Rob and Kimberly constantly bickered and repeatedly broke down. But their commitment to playing the game and to each other brought them to the final three.” At that point, I prepared to open a vein if they crossed the finish line first. The teams’ most difficult clue this leg forced them to find a nameless, under-construction church, which every person on the street knew instantly. There, they found a super-secret clue: A photo of the Eiffel Tower. Later, they had to find a sculpture in New York using only a photograph. Remember when the show used to have actual clues in the first season? Now they have clues for kindergartners. At the airport, Rob said, “Maybe we can get a plane here.” Uh, yes, that’s what airports are for, asshole. James and Tyler had a ridiculous fight. Having tried to get his friend to search for Internet access the night before, James said, “I knew last night that we shouldn’t just sit on our asses.” Tyler replied, “What were we going to do last night?” James said, “We could have done something.” Tyler sarcastically agreed (“Right.”), but then immediately became irrational, saying, “Why didn’t you speak up?” “I did,” James said. Tyler replied, “Really loud, you spoke up so loud.” James said, “Don’t get fucking pissed off at me.” Then they made out a little. Lyn and Karlyn were a good hour and a half behind Rob and Kimberly, but they flew into an airport closer to the city, and arrived at the Eiffel Tower first. I waited so long just to see the look on Rob’s face, that look he makes that suggests revelation, horror, and constipation all in one glance. Alas, the camera didn’t linger on his crusty face. The funniest pratfall in race history occurred in the background, while Lyn and Karlyn were reading their clue. Kimberly ran in and grabbed for the clue box, but instead slid, falling onto her ass and pulling the clue box down with her. The best part: Lyn and Karlyn glanced backwards for about an eighth of a second and then kept reading their clue. In Paris, all three teams decided on the Detour that involved sewing a jacket. Yes, The Amazing Race went all Project Runway on us, as they had to assemble a jacket, cutting fabric and pinning it together. Ironically,the Detour had more garment construction footage than an average episode of the Bravo series. Tyler and James finished first, which they attributed to their careers as models, although since they were working with needles, their careers as former drug addicts probably didn’t hurt. As Rob whined non-stop about how upset he was that Kim would be skydiving for the Roadblock, she finally said to him, “I thought we were doing this to win a million dollars, not to skydive. At the airport, Rob said to a ticket agent, “We have to get this—it’s worth $1 million. Anything you can do, sir.” How about punch you in the face for being so annoying? Alas, Kimberly did the same thing a few minutes later, and it actually worked, helping to get them on an earlier flight to New York. “It’s in God’s hands right now,” Tyler said, invoking a higher power for the first of many times while waiting at the airport. Luckily, God hasn’t been busy with too many other reality shows, so as they stood their praying, He helped them out, and they got on the same flight as Rob and Kimberly. “I’ve starved so much on this race, I’m not even the fat lady, so ain’t singing,” Lyn said. But it didn’t matter: not getting on the same flight meant they were left behind in Paris, and we never saw them again, at least not until they came in third place. “I’m giving them dodge. Don’t worry,” a New York cab driver told Tyler and James, and he tried to lose Rob and Kimberly’s cab driver, exiting and then swerving back at the last second. But it was the E-Z Pass that did the trick. “I don’t have E-Z Pass,” Rob and Kimberly’s cab driver said. The race was essentially over at that point, and New York’s toll authority just found itself a new advertisement for E-Z Pass. “It’s all up to God now,” Tyler said. “And our taxi driver,” James added. Running to the finish line, Rob said, “Damn, the boys won,” sort of in the same way he’d say, “Damn, we’re having chicken, not beef.” After they won, Phil said to Tyler and James, “You’ve talked about the tough times you’ve had in the past, here’s your chance to celebrate one of the better times…” And then he brought out $1 million worth of crystal meth, vodka, and crack. Actually, he finished the sentence by saying, “…with your family right now.” Tyler and James searched the crowd, excited to see their families, but CBS didn’t spring for plane tickets for the teams’ family members; instead, Phil whored a product, saying, “I have a phone in my pocket, a Sprint phone.” So that’s what’s been in his pants this entire season.
TODAY IN HISTORY
1503: Nostradamus born. If you write vague enough prophecies, they will fool almost anyone. 1944: Lupe Velez, Hollywood's "Mexican Spitfire" of the 1940's, commits suicide with an overdose of sleeping pills. Contrary to her plans of being found laid out on the bed in a silk nightgown, she is instead discovered in the bathroom with her head in the toilet. Her ex-husband, Tarzan star Johnny Weismuller, frequently used to beat her. 1991: A ferry near Safaga, Egypt on the Red Sea strikes a coral reef, drowning more than 460 passengers.
I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS