Christmas Is Coming

And the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man's hat. If you don't have a penny, a hay penny will do, if you don't have a hay penny, god bless you. Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the last one before Christmas. For Christmas we have a new Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates. He flew to Iraq to have a first hand look at the situation. When he got there his first words were "Uh oh.” Pope Benedict is urging Catholics to remember the true meaning of Christmas and not get caught up in materialism. He said this while sitting on his jewel encrusted throne. President Bush hosted his annual Kwanzaa party today. He said that it was important to remember the reason for Kwanzaa and that is a guy name Kwan came and died for our sins. Have you heard about the big Miss USA controversy? Have you heard about that? Well, they got a hold of her and they sat her down and they straightened her out, and it looks like she’s going to be able to keep her tiara. Yeah, and Donald Trump gets to keep whatever it is he’s on his head. Also, who knew Miss USA has a drinking problem, so she’s headed to rehab. Miss USA is going to rehab. Finally, a Miss USA who is actually representative of this country. Oh, this Mel Gibson – I’m telling you, I wouldn’t give this guy’s troubles to a monkey on a rock. There’s a 29-year-old woman in Australia that claims to be his daughter, claiming to be his love child daughter. And guess who Mel is blaming it on? According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword puzzles, eating more fish – I can’t remember all that. Did you hear about this? The Olympic Association has disqualified a female runner for failing a gender test. I believe the last time that happened was on ‘The View.’ A beautiful day in Central Florida – so sunny and mild, Olive Garden customers were actually walking to the emergency room. You folks been following the trouble at the Olive Garden? Do you like eating at the Olive Garden? They’ve had a lot of trouble, and – but it’s okay, you just have to know what to order on the menu, like trying the clams Mylanta. That’s a problem, don’t go anywhere near that. I was in there a couple of days ago and I said to the waiter, I said, ‘What is the catch of the day?’ and he said, ‘Hepatitis.’ "Time” magazine has made everyone the person of the year. And somehow Al Gore still came in second. President Bush hosted a Hanukah party at the White House and lit four candles on a menorah. Or as President Bush calls it – a "Jewish flashlight”. Three Mexicans here illegally were arrested in Maine yesterday. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed Mexicans in Maine. Big announcement from Senator Hillary Clinton. She now says that she wouldn’t have voted to authorize president bush’s attack on Iraq if she knew what she knows now. Big deal. She wouldn’t have married Bill Clinton if she knew what she knows now. The president of Iran an embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections ... Apparently he and president bush have more in common then they realize. President Bush said this week that Mary Cheney, the vice president’s lesbian daughter that is pregnant, will make a fine mom and a darn good dad too. There is now a new law outlawing melting down pennies and nickels for profit. Based on current metal prices, both pennies and nickels are worth more melted down. Leave it to the government to figure out a way to lose money while making money. They are making money and their still losing money doing it. I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend in Christmas cards this year are "DVD cards” – instead of a letter about your family and what you did this year, you put your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting ... you know why? They make great coasters. Every year since I was a kid I hear people say that Christmas has become too commercialized. You ever hear people say that? Do you think atheist ever complain that Christmas hasn’t become commercialized enough? Do you think they complain that people are too caught up in the true meaning of Christmas? I think you have to be in a certain state of mind for it to be funny. You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know, the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable networks is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can see with absolute clarity that you have no life. A record company is holding a contest to find an unknown singer to sing with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Apparently, they've narrowed "the unknown singer" down toany of the other guys from N'Sync.

BROKEN

I have a PT cruiser, and every time I went to open the door, the trunk, or turn on the ignition, I  hit the panic button on the PT Cruiser key. I panic every time I tried to start the car! True story.

Right before Christmas, perfect timing, this is a new feature called...

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

Removable parts? Suffocation risk? Lead paint? Pussy hazards compared to the granddaddy of them all. Lawn Darts, or "Jarts," as they were marketed, would never fly in our current ultra-paranoid, safety-helmeted, Dr. Phil toy culture. Lawn darts were massive weighted spears. You threw them. They stuck where they landed. If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have moved. During their brief (and generally awesome) reign in 1980s suburbia, Jarts racked up 6,700 injuries and four deaths.

STUPEFACTION

Too many DVDs, and CDs and not enough time to rewind? Are your DVDs running a bit too slow? The DVD rewinder is the perfect solution! This novelty rewinder comes with the exclusive Centriptal Velocity Spindle providing the world’s fastest DVD rewind! The DVD Rewinder is a great gift for the technical savvy, the couch potato, teens with too much time on their hands, and the gadget buff! Novelty for you or gag gift for a friend. The DVD Rewinder has a great black and fluorescent green color scheme with high tech styling! The DVD Rewinder will spin discs backwards and plays a “rewind” sound. You can also record your own “rewind” sound which provides unending possibilities. For the tech hip, the DVD Rewinder also has an additional MP3 port and plays a separate “rewind” sound. Rewind all types of disc media DVDs, CDs, and Console Games. But not just novelty, the DVD Rewinder has utility. It has a built in compartment that holds a disc cleaner. This compartment can be usedto hold the cleaner, loose couch change, tooth picks, keys or other small items. A truly unique product with a truly unique design!

THERE IS A GOD

Following in the spike-heeled footsteps of Demi Moore, Lindsay Lohan is learning stripper moves for her new movie role – and the lessons have left their mark, literally.
"I've been in pole dancing lessons, S Factor by Sheila Kelley, every day for four hours," Lohan told PEOPLE last week at Hollywood's club Shag. "I have bruises all over. That's why I haven't worn shorts." The New York Post's Page Six reports that Lohan is telling friends the classes have given her a new appreciation for professional exotic dancers. Her rep, Leslie Sloane, tells Page Six, "Her character is a stripper, and she now realizes that the job isn't easy." Lohan, 20, will play a stripper in the thriller I Know Who Killed Me, due to film in San Luis Obispo, Calif., in mid-January, according to the San Luis Obispo Tribune. As for Lohan's preparation for her role, Sheila Kelley's S Factor striptease workouts and pole-dancing classes, which incorporate elements of yoga and ballet, count Kate Hudson, Teri Hatcher and Lisa Rinna as fans.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

A few weeks ago, when Jonathan told Candice, “Maybe it'll be us four Caucasians in the final four,” it seemed like the most diverse Survivor ever was heading toward an all-white final four. Thanks to Jonathan’s betrayal of his alliance, however, and to incredibly smart strategy by Yul and incredible challenge play by Ozzy, that didn’t happen. Instead, the last white person standing, Adam, was the first sent home on the finale after Ozzy won yet another individual immunity challenge. That left the underdog tribe as the final four, perhaps the most satisfying outcome in the history of the show. They were so committed to each other and to fairness that they refused to turn on one another, instead forcing a tiebreaker between the two non-immune members,Sundra and Becky. As usual, they had to make fire, but this was anything but typical. After an hour of both of them striking flint repeatedly but getting no results, an exasperated Jeff Probst gave them both matches. Incredibly, a half hour later, neither had a fire, and Sundra was out of matches. Becky finally managed to get a fire started, and Sundra went home. That left a final three of Yul, Ozzy, and Becky, who had an impossibly difficult argument to make to the jury about why she deserved the prize more than the game’s two best competitors. The jury didn’t buy her argument about it being a “social game,” and she received zero votes. Ozzy got four votes, but Yul received five, and won the $1 million. Ozzy, however, won the viewer poll and received the free car. Either way, it would have been a satisfying outcome, and for my money, it was the best season since the first. It’s too bad that the AP’s David Bauder didn’t bother to pay attention this season, if he even watched. In his finale write-up, Bauder notes that the final “four people made up the game’s Aitu tribe, which at one point competed against the eight-member Raro tribe. Methodically, that core group of four voted all eight of the others out of the game.” Of course, Aitu could not have voted out eight people, because there were only nine people when the two tribes merged. Aitu voted out Nate, Candice, Jonathan, Parvati, and Adam, a total of five “others.” Always helps to actually watch the show before its finale.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

I know Jawas are known for collecting a lot of useless crap, but this is ridiculous.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1937: Jane Fonda's birthday. Jane, an anti-war activist, also holds the title "Miss Army Recruiting" of 1965. 1945:  World War II General George Patton dies in a car accident at Heidelberg, Germany. 1970: President Nixon meets with prescription drug addict Elvis Presley at the White House to discuss The King's becoming a special drug enforcement agent. He presents Nixon with a pistol, and receives a special DEA badge in return. 1971: Former Nazi Kurt Waldheim chosen to serve as United Nations Secretary General, the fourth to serve in that position (but the first Nazi). He paves the way for a New World Order. 1975: Terrorist Carlos the Jackal takes hostage the 11 oil ministers at an OPEC meeting in Vienna. The ministers are released after a ransom is paid, and Carlos escapes. The Jackal is not captured until he enters a Sudanese hospital in 1994 for a testicle operation. 1978:  John Wayne Gacy arrested in Des Plaines, IL after remains of some of the 33 men and boys he had killed are discovered on his land. 1988: Pan Am flight 103 detonates over Lockerbie Scotland, by means of a remote control radio bomb. All 259 aboard are killed as well as 11 on the ground struck by falling detritus. The PFLP faction of the PLO was responsible, assisted by Libyan sponsorship. 1991: Charles Barkley arrested on charges of battery and disorderly conduct, Milwaukee. He had punched a heckler, but was acquitted. 

MOVIE BUZZ 

And here is a special holiday Movie Buzz. I present you, Holiday Hollywood Hotties.

Eva Green: You know a girl's career is taking off when she turns down The Black Dahlia to play a Bond girl … and her rejected role goes to Hilary Swank. This is Green's life. America has 2005's Kingdom of Heaven to thank for bringing this French lovely into our filmic fantasies. After Casino Royale, she has three more movies to whip up, including His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass, which reunites her with blond Bond Daniel Craig. What's more, look at her.

Sienna Guillory: She's got a face that launched a thousand ships, and after playing Helen of Troy in the eponymous TV series, Guillory said she couldn't think of a bigger compliment. Now, however, she will play a captivating elf princess in the adaptation of Eragon. Thanks to her humble performances in Love Actually and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and now in Eragon, Guillory could well be the Sienna of the future.

Shannyn Sossamon: So what if Sossamon hasn't been in anything notable since her first film, 2001's A Knight's Tale. She's been busy raising her son, Audio Science (yes, you read that right). But now that he's become a little man, Sossamon is back to flex her moviemaking muscles. She stunned Sundance audiences in Wristcutters: A Love Story, and this winter, she stars as Maggie in the romantic comedy The Holiday, opposite Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet and Jude Law.

Katie Cassidy: Behold what David Cassidy hath wrought. We applaud Katie, because soon the adorable 20-year-old — who is set to appear in this season's remake of the '70s horror flick Black Christmas, as well as a remake of the '80s comedy classic Revenge of the Nerds — will have a better claim to fame than donning humungous breasts in 2006's Click or being the spawn of a member of The Partridge Family.

Well, that's it for another week. Visit the Phile's myspace page if you want. If not, have a Merry Christmas, and I hope you get what you want. Me? I want a psp. Next week, we'll talk about 2006 as well as list as many celebrities as possible who died in 2006, as well whatever I could think of to finish the year. I will leave you with another random pic. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.