Sex Machine (If You're A Necrophiliac)

Hello, and welcome to the last Peverett Phile entry of '06. Did you folks have a good Christmas? We had a good one here in the Peverett household. I batted a hunded with Christmas presents though. I got Jen 'ER' and 'Will and Grace' on DVD which she took back to Target. Logan got a wireless remote for his Playstation, but stupid me, didn't realize it was for PS3, not PS2. And if that wasn't enough, the All-American Rejects t-shirt I got for him at Hot Topic was a GIRL's shirt. I swear the lasy in the store said it was for boys, that it was the new fashion. Yeah, but my son is not Emo! At least my psp was right. The U.S. Postal Service has decided that the length of time for someone to be dead before being put on a stamp is five years. Five years? What’s the reason for this? Did Jesus mess this up? We now have to wait five years to make sure someone is dead. Prince Charles is urging people in England to be more friendly to the environment by using bicycles more and their cars less. In fact Prince Charles is doing the same. He is using his royal helicopter less and the royal train more. A woman in Brazil is claiming that her dog has had a litter of babies that are half cat and half dog. President Bush said, "See this is why we need to outlaw gay marriage, otherwise things like this happen.” More controversy with pageant queens. Miss Nevada has been stripped of her crown for illicit pictures of her found on the Internet. People were afraid this could hurt the state’s image. That’s the last thing Nevada needs – an image problem. Partying, drugs, naked pictures with Miss America and Miss Nevada. I can’t wait to see what Miss Universe does! Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell are still feuding. Today Donald said this feud will comb over…blow over. Did you hear about this Long Island man who hired someone to kill his wife before Christmas so he could enjoy the holidays? And his wife is standing by him. She doesn’t believe he could have did it. So now Hillary is only the second most naïve woman in New York. Did you know that Taco Bell is Spanish for Olive Garden? The most popular table at the Olive Garden is the one next to the restroom. Monica Lewinsky has graduated from the London School of Economics. That must have been one lucky class president. Now that she has her degree she is out looking fora desk job. Scientists say that robots will be doing many of the jobs we do in the future. Especially is they are illegal robots from Mexico. Google is now offering maps of the moon for Internet users. Let me tell you, if you are so lost you need a map of the moon you had better just stop and pull over and ask for help. Did you know this is the longest night of the year? And right now it’s about to get longer. New Yorkers are now living longer than ever. The average New Yorker lives to be 78 years-old. Right now a New Yorker born in 2006 will live long enough to see us get out of Iraq.

SHARPENING AXES

2006 was a common year starting on Sunday of the Gregorian calendar. It was the Year of the Dog in the Chinese calendar. The next year of the dog will begin in the year 2018. It has been designated the International Year of Deserts and Desertification by the United Nations General Assembly. The International Asperger's Year, commemorating the 100th anniversary of the birth of Dr Hans Asperger, discoverer of Asperger's Syndrome. The Year of Mozart, celebrating the 250th anniversary of the birth of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. UNESCO had formally recognised sixty-three anniversaries for 2006. January 1st to June 30th, 2006 was predicted to have tied 1998 as the warmest semi-year, for any year since the 1890s. Overall, forecasters and scientists predicted 2006 to be the third warmest year on record, behind 1998, and 2005. In the United Kingdom, it was the hottest year on record. And finally, another interesting fact: Briefcase Full of Blues by the Blues Brothers (1978): On the opening track "I Can't Turn You Loose," Elwood Blues laments that the blues will exist only in the classical music records department of your local public library by 2006.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

My name is C-3P0. I am fluent in over 6 million forms of communication and I do a fantastic Al Jolson impersonation.

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

Honey, why is your face glowing? In 1951, A.C. Gilbert introduced his U-238 Atomic Energy Lab, a radioactive learning set we can only assumewas fun for the whole math club. Gilbert, who Americanmemorabilia claims was "often compared to Walt Disney for his creative genius," had a dream that nuclear power could capture the imaginations of children everywhere. For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three "very low-level" radioactive sources, a Geiger-Mueller radiation counter, a Wilson Cloud Chamber (to see paths of alpha particles), a Spinthariscope (to see "live" radioactive disintegration), four samples of Uranium-bearing ores, and an Electroscope to measure radioactivity. And what nuclear lab for kids would be complete without an Atomic Energy Manual and Learn How Dagwood Splits the Atom comic book? (The latter was written with the help of General Leslie Groves, director of the Manhattan Project.) Kids do the darndest things, but not, apparently, nuclear physics. The toy was only sold for one year. It's unclear what effects the Uranium-bearing ores might have had on those few lucky children who received the set, but exposure to the same isotope—U-238—has been linked to Gulf War syndrome, cancer, leukemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments. Even more uncertain is the longterm impact of being raised by the kind of nerds who would give their kid an Atomic Energy Lab.

R.I.P.

Lou Rawls (01/06) Just like a natural man. Jack Snow (01/09) Went deep. Shelley Winters (01/14) She once said, "Now that I'm over sixty, I'm veering toward respectability." She finally crashed right into it. Wilson Pickett (01/19) Ow! You know, I don't feel alright? Huh! Feel pretty bad, y'all! Tony Franciosa (01/19) Game over. Chris Penn (01/24) Is it irony that he died accidentally at 40, and that his last role was in a film called The Darwin Awards? We're just asking. Wendy Wasserstein (01/30) An uncommon woman, to be sure. Nonetheless, she's toast. Coretta Scott King (01/30) Aside from being an icon of the Civil Rights movement, she's also the only person on this page who was not, at one time or another, romantically linked to Shelley Winters. Al Lewis (02/03) Yep, even Grandpa boned Shelley Winters. Betty Friedan (02/04) Betty did her at a Tupperware party back in '79. Curt Gowdy (02/20) Curt nailed her in one of the dugouts at Fenway. Dennis Weaver (02/24) And McCloud used to take her to swing parties out on the high chaparral. Don Knotts (02/24) You don't even want to know what Mr. Furley did to that poor girl. Darren McGavin (02/25) Fra—GEE—lay. Otis Chandler (02/27) Where else but in L.A. could a major metropolitan newspaper be successfully run for decades by the town drunk? Jack Wild (03/01) So, did Witchiepoo get the flute, or what? Dana Reeve (03/06) Yeah, right. Hey, how 'bout you come up with something funny here. Kirby Puckett (03/06)
That's just Kirby being Kirby. Gordon Parks (03/07) And we're betting he stays put, too. John Profumo (03/09) Some British guy who diddled a Russian, or something. Look it up.Bernie 'Boom Boom' Geoffrion (03/11) Out go the lights.Slobodan Milosevic (03/11) Not a very nice man. Maureen Stapleton (03/13) No, not the Dingbat, the other one. Ray Meyer (03/17) DeCeased. Oleg Cassini (03/17 Choked on the cosmic weenie. Buck Owens (03/25) Hee Haw! Lyn Nofziger (03/27) Lying frozen. Caspar Weinberger (03/28) The friendly spook. Gene Pitney (04/05) How can we keep love alive? How can anything survive, when these little minds tear you in two? What's a town without Pitney gonna do? June Pointer (04/11) No, she can't can't. William Sloane Coffin (04/12) This one's pretty obvious, isn't it?
Steve Howe (04/28) The coke addict pitcher, not the shitty guitar player. John Kenneth Galbraith (04/29) Too many names, not enough working organs. Louis Rukeyser (05/02) Take that, Economy Boy! Earl Woods (05/03) If he only coulds.
Floyd Patterson (05/11) Apparently, Mayberry's lovable barber was a pretty good boxer, back in the day. Stanley Kunitz (05/14) Or, as he was known in the poetry world, Stan "The Man" Kunitz. Lloyd Bentsen (05/23) You wouldn't know it to look at him, but this guy was a billion laughs. He fucked a goat once. Desmond Dekker (05/25) Sooner or later, that's what getting up every day and slaving for bread'll do to you. Craig 'Ironhead' Heyward (05/27) Clank! Billy Preston (06/06) Nothing fromnothing leaves nothing. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (06/08) Sadly, we bid farewell to Al-Qaeda's popular night club entertainer and game show host. E. Pierce Marshall (06/20) Not part of the plan. Aaron Spelling (06/23) Our very special thanks to the man who brought Tori into the world. Patsy Ramsey (06/24) There goes her shot at Mother Of The Year honors. Jan Murray (07/02) The Chabad Telethon will never be the same. Kenneth Lay (07/05) Seriously, we ask you, where else in the frickin' universe could you juxtapose a guy like this ...Syd Barrett (07/07)... with a guy like this? June Allyson (07/08) Don't let that "nice girl" routine fool you, she was a ballbuster. Barnard Hughes (07/11) According to his son, Hughes changed the "e" in his first name to an "a" on the advice of a numerologist. Meanwhile, back on planet Earth ....Red Buttons (07/13) Red enjoyed a long and illustrious career in Hollywood, but he is perhaps best remembered for his compelling performance in the role of Jiggs Quealy in the 1985 TV movie Reunion At Fairborough. Or, perhaps not. Mickey Spillane (07/17) She read his mind and her face grew sad, sadder than anything he had ever seen and she turned her eyes on him and he could see clear through them into the goodness of her soul and he knew she wasn’t a blackmailer and his first impression had been right; she was a girl who had come face to face with fate and had lost, but in losing hadn’t lost all, for there was the light of holiness in her face that time when he was her friend, when he thought that a look like that belonged only in a church when you were praying or getting married or something, a light that was there now for him to see while she played a song that told him he was her friend and she was his, a friendship that was more than that, it was a trust and he believed it. What a sap. Jack Warden (07/19)
He knew where the fuck Miami Beach was, dummy. Floyd Dixon (07/26)
Apparently, Mayberry's lovable barber was a pretty good piano player, back in the day. Arthur Lee (08/03) Seven and seven isn't. Mike Douglas (08/11) What a freak!
Bruno Kirby (08/14) And if you doOOoo .... And if you doOOoo ....Maynard Ferguson (08/23) Not gonna fly now. Jon Dough (08/27) One of the great names in porn has done his last double-penetration guy-on-girl-on-guy scene. Glenn Ford (08/30) Ditto. BobMathias (09/02) Y'know, it used to be a big deal, but is there anybody left in the world who even knows what the hell a decathlon is? Steve Irwin (09/04) Crikey. Patty Berg (09/10) On ice. Ann Richards (09/13) Surely you've heard of the best little whorehouse in Texas ...? She ran the place. Oriana Fallaci(09/15)There's a blowjob joke here somewhere, we just know it... Byron Nelson (09/26) Classic. Buck O'Neil (10/06) Buck stops here. Freddy Fender (10/14)
Wasted days and wasted nights. Jane Wyatt (10/20) Mother knows death. Arthur Hill (10/22) Owen Marshall: Counselor at rest. Joe Niekro (10/27) Brother to Hall Of Fame inductee Phil Niekro, Joe put together a lengthy and successful career of his own by perfecting a knuckleball and learning how to cheat. Trevor Berbick (10/27)
What's a Berbick? Red Auerbach (10/28) We're smoking a big, fat cigar right now in his honor. P.W. Botha (10/31) P.U. William Styron (11/01) Lying down in darkness.
Willie Pep (11/05) Well, that doesn't quite work anymore. Ed Bradley (11/09) Realy b ded. Jack Palance (11/10) Believe it ... or not! Milton Friedman (11/16) For Milt, there's no breakfast, lunch or dinner, free or otherwise. Ruth Brown (11/17) Brown is the new black. Bo Schembechler (11/17) Bo don't know nothin'. Robert Altman (11/21) R*I*P Anita O'Day (11/23) G'night. Jeane Kirkpatrick (12/07) Bedwetter.
Augusto Pinochet (12/10) Chile con karma. Peter Boyle (12/12) Tryin' mighty hard to look like Gary Cooper. Lamar Hunt (12/13) The Hunt is over. Ahmet Ertegun (12/14) Urgent: Heat me. Joe Barbera (12/18) Whoops. James Brown (12/25)
Papa's in a brand new bag. Gerald Ford (12/26) Our long national nightmare is over.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1983: Dennis Wilson, original drummer of the Beach Boys, drowned while diving from a boat near Marquesas Pier. He was rather drunk at the time. 1987: R. Gene Simmons kills two coworkers and injures four others in Russellville Arkansas, and then surrenders. The busy man had killed 14 of his relatives over the Christmas holidays. 1991:  Jack Ruby's pistol, used to kill Lee Harvey Oswald, sells at auction at Christie's for $220,000.

And now, the last MOVIE BUZZ of the year.

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 3: Finally, we got a trailer … but still no confirmation of the alleged fourth villain. Last year, I was despairing that it was still 500 days until opening weekend. Only 134 more to go.

Casino Royale: You don't hear much from the CraigIsNotBond.com crew these days, do ya? A kickass performance by Daniel Craig shut 'em up. Of course, now the franchise can begin its long, slow descent into complacency once again. How long before the haters are back online calling for his head?

X-Man: The Last Stand: The only thing worse than a horrible bomb is a sequel that's just plain mediocre. Note to Brett Ratner: If you're going to fail, at least fail big. Bring on the Wolverine and Magneto spinoffs, and we'll forget this lame finale ever happened.

The Dark Knight: For my money, Batman Begins is the best superhero movie ever — yes, even better than Spider-Man 2 and X2. With Heath Ledger as the Joker, I expect the Dark Knight to be my new No. 1 as of July 18, 2008.

The Hobbit Peter Jackson's going to direct! Wait, no — never mind. Wait, yes — he's back. Oh, no — he isn't. How on Middle-earth could they not hire the guy who made three awesome Lord of the Rings movies that each made a bajillion dollars! At some point in the coming year, there'll be a Ringer uprising that will bring Hollywood to its knees. Or at least make it come to its senses.

Superman Returns: For $270 million, you'd think they could cook up more than a boring story about a guy trying to grow a continent (huh?) with Kryptonite. Supe doesn't even get to nail Lois in the end. All the blabbing about Brandon Routh's superbulge was more exciting. Why, exactly, do we need a follow-up?

And now, my reviews for Eragon and Charlotte's Web. Eragon starring Ed Speleers, Jeremy Irons, Sienna Guillory, Robert Carlyle, Djimon Hounsou, Garrett Hedlund, Joss Stone, Rachel Weisz, John Malkovich. A Luke Skywalker (some blond kid named Eragon) and the Millennium Falcon (a smart-alecky lady dragon voiced by Weisz) fights victory over a Darth Vader (an evil king played by Malkovich). An Obi-Wan Kenobi (a formerly dragon-riding Irons) helps him rescue a Princess Leia (Guillory) with the help of the mystical Force (standing in here as Magic because no one bothered to think up a better kooky name for it). The biggest surprise is that he doesn't have to carry a powerful gold ring with him, too. Now,I know that Star Wars was a pastiche of borrowed items as well. Just because I was a kid when it came out in 1977 doesn't mean I think it had no precedent. But dang, if this is what a 15-year-old author dreams up on his way to bestseller status (the original novel did that, as did the first sequel, also planned for the big screen), then someone should have checked out the kid's DVD library to see the sources of his inspiration. Yes, 15. That's how old author Christopher Paolini was when he self-published his debut novel. This Movie is for kids. Young kids — it's a simple PG. Young kids with parents smart enough to find someone else to chaperone them. Exception: parents who work in digital effects in Hollywood already. Those parents should go see it and check out the best thing in the movie — the expressive and elaborately articulated she-dragon. Not that any of that artistry saves the movie from being totally dull, but it's a good character all the same. Charlotte's Web starred Dakota Fanning and the voices of Julia Roberts, Steve Buscemi, Oprah Winfrey, John Cleese, Cedric the Entertainer, Kathy Bates, Reba McEntire, Robert Redford, Thomas Haden Church, André Benjamin. Finally, a decent adaptation of the classic E.B. White book about the spider that saves a little pig's life with carefully chosen words. And, yeah, I'm saying that the 1973 Hanna-Barbera animated version was crap. I've thought that since I was eight years old and have waited all this time to get to say it in print. This one gets it right; it's as gentle, literate and not-condescending-to-kids-at-all as the book. Parents, it's your duty to read this book to your little kids. Also take them to see this movie. In whatever order you choose. I am not a crying person at movies. Some people cry at movies, some cry over moments that deserve tears in their real life. I am usually the latter. But I think I just figured out that a well-made movie about kids and animals will melt me into a puddle. Like a big dumb baby. About seven times before the end credits rolled. Buscemi's Templeton the rat and Cleese as the lead sheep are the best comic relief. Everyone else is fine, too. Even Oprah doesn't overdo it like you think she might. Fans of the book, be relieved, no annoying additions to worry about; they've stuck to the book for the most part, including key passages of White's text via Sam Shepard's narration. And if you're a really big fan of the book, you'll notice that the opening and closing credits are a very faithful approximation of Garth Williams' original illustrations. Only the most easily upset literalists will have any beef with this. Apparently, the actual geese used in the movie were so mean and prone to biting the other animals and human members of the cast that they had to be filmed separately and digitally inserted into shots. Oprah seemed to think this was very funny.

Okay, there you have it, the long winded last entry of the Peverett Phile for this year. next year will be as exciting, I promise. Hope you all have a safe New Year's, and I will see you next week when we celebrate one year of the Phile. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.

 

 

 

A Peverett Phile Extra: Christmas Pudding

Dear friends, what better way to get the Christmas dinner conversation going than with some fun facts! This is the first of TWO Christmases left under President George W. Bush. TWO. Ok, that's not too cheery. Let me try again. If the daily death toll continues at this rate, sometime on Christmas Day a U.S. soldier will die in Iraq and, with his or her death, more U.S. troops will have been killed in Iraq than all the people lost on 9/11 (2,973). On second thought, skip the politics for a day and just enjoy the pie. Merry Christmas to each of you, and peace on earth, wherever we Americans have dropped in.

Yours,
Jason Peverett

P.S.: I got a psp for Christmas!

Christmas Is Coming

And the goose is getting fat, please put a penny in the old man's hat. If you don't have a penny, a hay penny will do, if you don't have a hay penny, god bless you. Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the last one before Christmas. For Christmas we have a new Secretary of Defense, Robert Gates. He flew to Iraq to have a first hand look at the situation. When he got there his first words were "Uh oh.” Pope Benedict is urging Catholics to remember the true meaning of Christmas and not get caught up in materialism. He said this while sitting on his jewel encrusted throne. President Bush hosted his annual Kwanzaa party today. He said that it was important to remember the reason for Kwanzaa and that is a guy name Kwan came and died for our sins. Have you heard about the big Miss USA controversy? Have you heard about that? Well, they got a hold of her and they sat her down and they straightened her out, and it looks like she’s going to be able to keep her tiara. Yeah, and Donald Trump gets to keep whatever it is he’s on his head. Also, who knew Miss USA has a drinking problem, so she’s headed to rehab. Miss USA is going to rehab. Finally, a Miss USA who is actually representative of this country. Oh, this Mel Gibson – I’m telling you, I wouldn’t give this guy’s troubles to a monkey on a rock. There’s a 29-year-old woman in Australia that claims to be his daughter, claiming to be his love child daughter. And guess who Mel is blaming it on? According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword puzzles, eating more fish – I can’t remember all that. Did you hear about this? The Olympic Association has disqualified a female runner for failing a gender test. I believe the last time that happened was on ‘The View.’ A beautiful day in Central Florida – so sunny and mild, Olive Garden customers were actually walking to the emergency room. You folks been following the trouble at the Olive Garden? Do you like eating at the Olive Garden? They’ve had a lot of trouble, and – but it’s okay, you just have to know what to order on the menu, like trying the clams Mylanta. That’s a problem, don’t go anywhere near that. I was in there a couple of days ago and I said to the waiter, I said, ‘What is the catch of the day?’ and he said, ‘Hepatitis.’ "Time” magazine has made everyone the person of the year. And somehow Al Gore still came in second. President Bush hosted a Hanukah party at the White House and lit four candles on a menorah. Or as President Bush calls it – a "Jewish flashlight”. Three Mexicans here illegally were arrested in Maine yesterday. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed Mexicans in Maine. Big announcement from Senator Hillary Clinton. She now says that she wouldn’t have voted to authorize president bush’s attack on Iraq if she knew what she knows now. Big deal. She wouldn’t have married Bill Clinton if she knew what she knows now. The president of Iran an embarrassing setback after voters in Iran elected members of the opposing party in local elections ... Apparently he and president bush have more in common then they realize. President Bush said this week that Mary Cheney, the vice president’s lesbian daughter that is pregnant, will make a fine mom and a darn good dad too. There is now a new law outlawing melting down pennies and nickels for profit. Based on current metal prices, both pennies and nickels are worth more melted down. Leave it to the government to figure out a way to lose money while making money. They are making money and their still losing money doing it. I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend in Christmas cards this year are "DVD cards” – instead of a letter about your family and what you did this year, you put your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting ... you know why? They make great coasters. Every year since I was a kid I hear people say that Christmas has become too commercialized. You ever hear people say that? Do you think atheist ever complain that Christmas hasn’t become commercialized enough? Do you think they complain that people are too caught up in the true meaning of Christmas? I think you have to be in a certain state of mind for it to be funny. You know the Yule log they show on TV every year. You know, the log in the fireplace burning. Now one of the cable networks is now showing the Yule log in HDTV. This way you can see with absolute clarity that you have no life. A record company is holding a contest to find an unknown singer to sing with Justin Timberlake at the Grammys. Apparently, they've narrowed "the unknown singer" down toany of the other guys from N'Sync.

BROKEN

I have a PT cruiser, and every time I went to open the door, the trunk, or turn on the ignition, I  hit the panic button on the PT Cruiser key. I panic every time I tried to start the car! True story.

Right before Christmas, perfect timing, this is a new feature called...

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

Removable parts? Suffocation risk? Lead paint? Pussy hazards compared to the granddaddy of them all. Lawn Darts, or "Jarts," as they were marketed, would never fly in our current ultra-paranoid, safety-helmeted, Dr. Phil toy culture. Lawn darts were massive weighted spears. You threw them. They stuck where they landed. If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have moved. During their brief (and generally awesome) reign in 1980s suburbia, Jarts racked up 6,700 injuries and four deaths.

STUPEFACTION

Too many DVDs, and CDs and not enough time to rewind? Are your DVDs running a bit too slow? The DVD rewinder is the perfect solution! This novelty rewinder comes with the exclusive Centriptal Velocity Spindle providing the world’s fastest DVD rewind! The DVD Rewinder is a great gift for the technical savvy, the couch potato, teens with too much time on their hands, and the gadget buff! Novelty for you or gag gift for a friend. The DVD Rewinder has a great black and fluorescent green color scheme with high tech styling! The DVD Rewinder will spin discs backwards and plays a “rewind” sound. You can also record your own “rewind” sound which provides unending possibilities. For the tech hip, the DVD Rewinder also has an additional MP3 port and plays a separate “rewind” sound. Rewind all types of disc media DVDs, CDs, and Console Games. But not just novelty, the DVD Rewinder has utility. It has a built in compartment that holds a disc cleaner. This compartment can be usedto hold the cleaner, loose couch change, tooth picks, keys or other small items. A truly unique product with a truly unique design!

THERE IS A GOD

Following in the spike-heeled footsteps of Demi Moore, Lindsay Lohan is learning stripper moves for her new movie role – and the lessons have left their mark, literally.
"I've been in pole dancing lessons, S Factor by Sheila Kelley, every day for four hours," Lohan told PEOPLE last week at Hollywood's club Shag. "I have bruises all over. That's why I haven't worn shorts." The New York Post's Page Six reports that Lohan is telling friends the classes have given her a new appreciation for professional exotic dancers. Her rep, Leslie Sloane, tells Page Six, "Her character is a stripper, and she now realizes that the job isn't easy." Lohan, 20, will play a stripper in the thriller I Know Who Killed Me, due to film in San Luis Obispo, Calif., in mid-January, according to the San Luis Obispo Tribune. As for Lohan's preparation for her role, Sheila Kelley's S Factor striptease workouts and pole-dancing classes, which incorporate elements of yoga and ballet, count Kate Hudson, Teri Hatcher and Lisa Rinna as fans.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

A few weeks ago, when Jonathan told Candice, “Maybe it'll be us four Caucasians in the final four,” it seemed like the most diverse Survivor ever was heading toward an all-white final four. Thanks to Jonathan’s betrayal of his alliance, however, and to incredibly smart strategy by Yul and incredible challenge play by Ozzy, that didn’t happen. Instead, the last white person standing, Adam, was the first sent home on the finale after Ozzy won yet another individual immunity challenge. That left the underdog tribe as the final four, perhaps the most satisfying outcome in the history of the show. They were so committed to each other and to fairness that they refused to turn on one another, instead forcing a tiebreaker between the two non-immune members,Sundra and Becky. As usual, they had to make fire, but this was anything but typical. After an hour of both of them striking flint repeatedly but getting no results, an exasperated Jeff Probst gave them both matches. Incredibly, a half hour later, neither had a fire, and Sundra was out of matches. Becky finally managed to get a fire started, and Sundra went home. That left a final three of Yul, Ozzy, and Becky, who had an impossibly difficult argument to make to the jury about why she deserved the prize more than the game’s two best competitors. The jury didn’t buy her argument about it being a “social game,” and she received zero votes. Ozzy got four votes, but Yul received five, and won the $1 million. Ozzy, however, won the viewer poll and received the free car. Either way, it would have been a satisfying outcome, and for my money, it was the best season since the first. It’s too bad that the AP’s David Bauder didn’t bother to pay attention this season, if he even watched. In his finale write-up, Bauder notes that the final “four people made up the game’s Aitu tribe, which at one point competed against the eight-member Raro tribe. Methodically, that core group of four voted all eight of the others out of the game.” Of course, Aitu could not have voted out eight people, because there were only nine people when the two tribes merged. Aitu voted out Nate, Candice, Jonathan, Parvati, and Adam, a total of five “others.” Always helps to actually watch the show before its finale.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

I know Jawas are known for collecting a lot of useless crap, but this is ridiculous.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1937: Jane Fonda's birthday. Jane, an anti-war activist, also holds the title "Miss Army Recruiting" of 1965. 1945:  World War II General George Patton dies in a car accident at Heidelberg, Germany. 1970: President Nixon meets with prescription drug addict Elvis Presley at the White House to discuss The King's becoming a special drug enforcement agent. He presents Nixon with a pistol, and receives a special DEA badge in return. 1971: Former Nazi Kurt Waldheim chosen to serve as United Nations Secretary General, the fourth to serve in that position (but the first Nazi). He paves the way for a New World Order. 1975: Terrorist Carlos the Jackal takes hostage the 11 oil ministers at an OPEC meeting in Vienna. The ministers are released after a ransom is paid, and Carlos escapes. The Jackal is not captured until he enters a Sudanese hospital in 1994 for a testicle operation. 1978:  John Wayne Gacy arrested in Des Plaines, IL after remains of some of the 33 men and boys he had killed are discovered on his land. 1988: Pan Am flight 103 detonates over Lockerbie Scotland, by means of a remote control radio bomb. All 259 aboard are killed as well as 11 on the ground struck by falling detritus. The PFLP faction of the PLO was responsible, assisted by Libyan sponsorship. 1991: Charles Barkley arrested on charges of battery and disorderly conduct, Milwaukee. He had punched a heckler, but was acquitted. 

MOVIE BUZZ 

And here is a special holiday Movie Buzz. I present you, Holiday Hollywood Hotties.

Eva Green: You know a girl's career is taking off when she turns down The Black Dahlia to play a Bond girl … and her rejected role goes to Hilary Swank. This is Green's life. America has 2005's Kingdom of Heaven to thank for bringing this French lovely into our filmic fantasies. After Casino Royale, she has three more movies to whip up, including His Dark Materials: The Golden Compass, which reunites her with blond Bond Daniel Craig. What's more, look at her.

Sienna Guillory: She's got a face that launched a thousand ships, and after playing Helen of Troy in the eponymous TV series, Guillory said she couldn't think of a bigger compliment. Now, however, she will play a captivating elf princess in the adaptation of Eragon. Thanks to her humble performances in Love Actually and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, and now in Eragon, Guillory could well be the Sienna of the future.

Shannyn Sossamon: So what if Sossamon hasn't been in anything notable since her first film, 2001's A Knight's Tale. She's been busy raising her son, Audio Science (yes, you read that right). But now that he's become a little man, Sossamon is back to flex her moviemaking muscles. She stunned Sundance audiences in Wristcutters: A Love Story, and this winter, she stars as Maggie in the romantic comedy The Holiday, opposite Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet and Jude Law.

Katie Cassidy: Behold what David Cassidy hath wrought. We applaud Katie, because soon the adorable 20-year-old — who is set to appear in this season's remake of the '70s horror flick Black Christmas, as well as a remake of the '80s comedy classic Revenge of the Nerds — will have a better claim to fame than donning humungous breasts in 2006's Click or being the spawn of a member of The Partridge Family.

Well, that's it for another week. Visit the Phile's myspace page if you want. If not, have a Merry Christmas, and I hope you get what you want. Me? I want a psp. Next week, we'll talk about 2006 as well as list as many celebrities as possible who died in 2006, as well whatever I could think of to finish the year. I will leave you with another random pic. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.

Spin My Dreidle

And by dreidle I mean cock and by spin I mean suck. I'm sorry, I don't know what got into me. Must be the egg nog. Anyway, welcome to the Peverett Phile. Or as I like to call it, Apolcalypto. Has anybody started Christmas shopping yet? The hottest toy, the biggest toy seller so far for the holidays is this new Elmo doll. Have you read about this? Have you seen it? Apparently, it will bend over – the doll bends over, it will fall on the floor and roll around, it has what they call ‘interactive tickle spots’ – I’m sorry, that’s Paris Hilton. Listen to this: a new poll, one in five Americans believe that they can’t trust President Bush. One in five Americans can’t trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie than trusting President Bush. You know, they had the Iraqi commission report and President Bush says he will now not make a decision about getting out of Iraq till 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought – yeah, unlike getting us into Iraq. Are you always looking for ways to lose weight? Well, according to a new report, you can lose 200 calories a day by having sex. Two hundred calories a day by having sex – I burn up 200 calories just trying to get the safety cap off the Viagra. But I was thinking about it, 200 calories a day – so, well, hell, instead of going on the Jenny Craig diet, you know, you can just go on Jenny Craig.  Dennis Kucinich, who ran for President in '04, announced he's running again in '08. Coincidentally, '04 is the number of votes Kucinich received. Over the weekend, Ohio State quarterback Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy but today when he tried to fly home, airline security wouldn't let the Heisman Trophy onboard the plane. Apparently, the Heisman has been considered a deadly weapon ever since O.J. Simpson won one. Earlier today, Lindsay Lohan issued a statement saying she hasn't had a drink in a week. When asked how she did it, Lindsay said, "I passed out six and a half days ago." Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI after she was caught driving the wrong way on the freeway. Police knew Richie was going the wrong way because she was headed towards a restaurant. This week in China, the pollution is so bad that residents are being asked to stay indoors. As a result, most Chinese people are staying home and ordering American. Earlier today, the Taco Bell restaurants that had closed during the E. coli outbreak re-opened and assured customers everything is fine. Taco Bell's spokesman said, "Our customers can go back to experiencing the quality diarrhea they're used to." A new U.N report says that methane gas from cows is a bigger contributor to global warming than emissions from automobiles. So this explains Al Gore’s weight gain. Singled handedly he has been taking care of the problem one hamburger at a time. Smog is bad in Tehran, Iran. Apparently they have a huge problem there. It’s so bad that scientists can’t even see the nuclear bomb right in front of them while they’re working. Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto is a big hit at the box office. It’s about a group of people that vanish in Mexico. The original title was From Here to Wal-Mart. Kevin Federline might be competing in an upcoming pro-wrestling event. I never thought I would ever say this, but I expected better out of pro-wrestling. Actor Wesley Snipes has been arrested. Still no word yet on Osama bin Laden.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Models, friends, and former drug addicts Tyler and James have won The Amazing Race 10, marking the fifth time in 10 seasons that two white guys in their ’20s or early ’30s have won the race (counting the Linzes, the four-person team of three guys and one female who won the family season, that makes six). Although Lyn and Karlyn made race history as the first all-female team to make it to the final three, but alas, they were all but forgotten after missing an earlier flight from Paris to New York City. The race’s final hour seemed shorter than most legs, and it was definitely shorter than previous finales that were extended to two hours. And with only three teams to make us laugh, there wasn’t a whole lot going on. But a cameo from God and an inadvertent advertisement for E-Z Pass kept us entertained. A look at the funny things they said during the last leg: In his opening narration, host Phil Keoghan said, “Dating couple Rob and Kimberly constantly bickered and repeatedly broke down. But their commitment to playing the game and to each other brought them to the final three.” At that point, I prepared to open a vein if they crossed the finish line first. The teams’ most difficult clue this leg forced them to find a nameless, under-construction church, which every person on the street knew instantly. There, they found a super-secret clue: A photo of the Eiffel Tower. Later, they had to find a sculpture in New York using only a photograph. Remember when the show used to have actual clues in the first season? Now they have clues for kindergartners. At the airport, Rob said, “Maybe we can get a plane here.” Uh, yes, that’s what airports are for, asshole. James and Tyler had a ridiculous fight. Having tried to get his friend to search for Internet access the night before, James said, “I knew last night that we shouldn’t just sit on our asses.” Tyler replied, “What were we going to do last night?” James said, “We could have done something.” Tyler sarcastically agreed (“Right.”), but then immediately became irrational, saying, “Why didn’t you speak up?” “I did,” James said. Tyler replied, “Really loud, you spoke up so loud.” James said, “Don’t get fucking pissed off at me.” Then they made out a little. Lyn and Karlyn were a good hour and a half behind Rob and Kimberly, but they flew into an airport closer to the city, and arrived at the Eiffel Tower first. I waited so long just to see the look on Rob’s face, that look he makes that suggests revelation, horror, and constipation all in one glance. Alas, the camera didn’t linger on his crusty face. The funniest pratfall in race history occurred in the background, while Lyn and Karlyn were reading their clue. Kimberly ran in and grabbed for the clue box, but instead slid, falling onto her ass and pulling the clue box down with her. The best part: Lyn and Karlyn glanced backwards for about an eighth of a second and then kept reading their clue. In Paris, all three teams decided on the Detour that involved sewing a jacket. Yes, The Amazing Race went all Project Runway on us, as they had to assemble a jacket, cutting fabric and pinning it together. Ironically,the Detour had more garment construction footage than an average episode of the Bravo series. Tyler and James finished first, which they attributed to their careers as models, although since they were working with needles, their careers as former drug addicts probably didn’t hurt. As Rob whined non-stop about how upset he was that Kim would be skydiving for the Roadblock, she finally said to him, “I thought we were doing this to win a million dollars, not to skydive. At the airport, Rob said to a ticket agent, “We have to get this—it’s worth $1 million. Anything you can do, sir.” How about punch you in the face for being so annoying? Alas, Kimberly did the same thing a few minutes later, and it actually worked, helping to get them on an earlier flight to New York. “It’s in God’s hands right now,” Tyler said, invoking a higher power for the first of many times while waiting at the airport. Luckily, God hasn’t been busy with too many other reality shows, so as they stood their praying, He helped them out, and they got on the same flight as Rob and Kimberly. “I’ve starved so much on this race, I’m not even the fat lady, so ain’t singing,” Lyn said. But it didn’t matter: not getting on the same flight meant they were left behind in Paris, and we never saw them again, at least not until they came in third place. “I’m giving them dodge. Don’t worry,” a New York cab driver told Tyler and James, and he tried to lose Rob and Kimberly’s cab driver, exiting and then swerving back at the last second. But it was the E-Z Pass that did the trick. “I don’t have E-Z Pass,” Rob and Kimberly’s cab driver said. The race was essentially over at that point, and New York’s toll authority just found itself a new advertisement for E-Z Pass. “It’s all up to God now,” Tyler said. “And our taxi driver,” James added. Running to the finish line, Rob said, “Damn, the boys won,” sort of in the same way he’d say, “Damn, we’re having chicken, not beef.” After they won, Phil said to Tyler and James, “You’ve talked about the tough times you’ve had in the past, here’s your chance to celebrate one of the better times…” And then he brought out $1 million worth of crystal meth, vodka, and crack. Actually, he finished the sentence by saying, “…with your family right now.” Tyler and James searched the crowd, excited to see their families, but CBS didn’t spring for plane tickets for the teams’ family members; instead, Phil whored a product, saying, “I have a phone in my pocket, a Sprint phone.” So that’s what’s been in his pants this entire season.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1503: Nostradamus born. If you write vague enough prophecies, they will fool almost anyone. 1944: Lupe Velez, Hollywood's "Mexican Spitfire" of the 1940's, commits suicide with an overdose of sleeping pills. Contrary to her plans of being found laid out on the bed in a silk nightgown, she is instead discovered in the bathroom with her head in the toilet. Her ex-husband, Tarzan star Johnny Weismuller, frequently used to beat her. 1991: A ferry near Safaga, Egypt on the Red Sea strikes a coral reef, drowning more than 460 passengers.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

JOKER Alan Parkin put the willies up his neighbours - with this naughty 10ft Christmas tree. Not content with adding just a couple of baubles, Alan, 47, decorated the fir with red and white fairy lights outside his home in aptly named Penistone. But his jolly green giant didn't exactly excite fellow residents and they complained to police. Proof, perhaps, that size isn't everything. One said: "It's rather rude. There are children and teenagers about and I don't think it's good for them to see." Another fumed: "It's just obscene. We shouldn't have to put up with it." Although officers who visited his South Yorkshire home merely asked him to remove the lights, the jobless prankster has agreed to go all the way - and give the tree the snip. Married Alan said: "It was just a laugh. If it offended anybody, then the shape will be altered. "I was amazed when police called around. They said they had received a complaint and would I mind removing the lights so it didn't look offensive." But not all neighbours were outraged. Constance Barnard, a widow in her 60s, said: "It doesn't bother me. "I didn't know we had anyone around here so pious as to complain to police. I'm a churchgoer but I don't think about it. I'm a live-and-let-live lady. "Mind you, even she wasn't that impressed with Alan's idea of a Christmas lunchbox. Constance said: "It looks more like a mushroom."

SHARPENING AXES

It's time for some totally useless Christmas trivia, kiddies. The story of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" was inspired by the tale of "The Ugly Duckling." In Russia, Santa is known as Ded Moroz (Grandfather Frost). The first President to decorate an official White House Christmas tree was Franklin Pierce. Mexicans call the poinsettia "Flower of the Holy Night." "Twas a Night Before Christmas," written by Clement Moore in 1823, was originally known as "A Visit From St. Nicholas." Jesus wasn't born on December 25, and estimates of the year of Christ's birth range from about 14 years B.C. to as late as 23 A.D. More than three billion Christmas cards are sent each year in the United States. Super Bowl Sunday ranks as the third-largest occasion, behind Christmas and Thanksgiving, for Americans to consume food, according to the NFL. One in three American men say they wait until Christmas Eve to finish their holiday shopping. In America, children put stockings out at Christmas time. The Dutch use shoes. "Rudolph" was created by copywriter Robert L. May as part of a holiday promotion for Montgomery Ward in 1939. Rudolph's story was inspired, at least in part, by the story "The Ugly Duckling." Other names considered for Rudolph were Rollo and Reginald.

R.I.P.

Emmy-winning actor Peter Boyle , who played the tap-dancing monster in the movie Young Frankenstein and grouchy father Frank Barone in the hit TV comedy "Everybody Loves Raymond," has died at age 71. The former Christian Brothers monk and friend of Beatle John Lennon died Tuesday after a long battle with multiple myeloma and heart disease, his publicists said Wednesday. Boyle, who often played cantankerous characters, shot to fame as a foul-mouthed, working-class bigot in the 1970 film Joe. He also played one of Robert DeNiro's fellow taxi drivers in Martin Scorsese 's Taxi Driver in 1976 and the cruel, racist father to Billy Bob Thornton  in 2001's Monster's Ball. In the 1974 Mel Brooks spoof Young Frankenstein, he took a comic turn as the Frankenstein monster, singing and dancing to "Puttin' on the Ritz" with Gene Wilder in tuxedos and top hats. In recent years he played numerous roles on television, including the father to Ray Romano 's character on the situation comedy "Everybody Loves Raymond," which ended its celebrated nine-year run on CBS in May 2005. He appeared in 201 episodes and received numerous Emmy nominations. 
Boyle won an Emmy for outstanding guest actor appearance on "The X-Files" in 1996.
John Lennon was the best man at Boyle's 1977 wedding to journalist Loraine Alterman, then a Rolling Stone magazine reporter. He is survived by his wife and two daughters, Amy and Lucy Boyle. Despite playing some unsavory characters, he refused roles that glamorized violence, including the lead role of Popeye Doyle that went to Gene Hackman  in 1971's The French Connection, according to the IMDb entertainment Web site. Boyle suffered a stroke in 1990 and recovered, then had a heart attack on the set of "Everybody Loves Raymond" in March 1999. He returned to the show soon after heart surgery.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Hey, it's Dengar! I'm embarrassed enough just knowing who Dengar is, I can't imagine being able to dress as him.

HEROES

Here's an interesting little tidbit from the world of "Heroes": it looks like NBC has changed their mind about Zach. It certainly looked to fans like Zach (Thomas Dekker) was gay, for four reasons: one, when Claire's nasty cheerleader friend made a remark about Zach, he said something to Claire along the lines of "I'm comfortable with who I am." Two, NBC's recap of that episode says he is. Three, the character's MySpace page lists his orientation as "not sure." And four, creator Tim Kring talked about the character being gay (and what happened with an NBC exec) in this interview. So people are wondering: did NBC change the orientation of the character? Did Dekker? Did the writers change it? Here I was going to say "oh, it doesn't really matter if he's straight or gay," and if this was real life it wouldn't, but if someone actually changed his orientation for some reason (or reasons) on a TV show, that's worth talking about.

SCIENCE FACTS YOU DID NOT KNOW

Raining animals is a relatively common meteorological phenomenon, with occurrences reported from many countries throughout history. The animals most likely to drop from the sky in a rainfall are fish and frogs, with birds coming third. Sometimes the animals survive the fall, especially fish, suggesting a small time gap between the extraction and the actual drop. Several witnesses of raining frogs describe the animals as startled, though healthy, and exhibiting relatively normal behavior shortly after the event. In some incidents, however, the animals are frozen to death or even completely enclosed in blocks of ice. These occurrences may be evidence for the transport of the victims to high altitudes, where the temperature is below zero, and they show how powerful meteorological forces can be. Most recent occurrences include the rain of frogs and toads in Serbia (2005) and London (1998), and rains of fish in India (2006) and Wales (2004). In Honduras, the Lluvia de Peces (Rain of Fishes) is a unique phenomenon that has been occurring for more than a century on a yearly basis in the country of Honduras. It occurs in the Departamento de Yoro, between the months of May and July. Witnesses of this phenomenon state that it begins with is a dark cloud in the sky followed by lightning, thunder, strong winds and heavy rain for 2 to 3 hours. Once the rain has stopped, hundreds of living fish are found on the ground. People take the fish home to cook and eat them. Although some experts have tried to explain the Rain of Fishes as a natural meteorological phenomenon, the fish are not sea water fish, but fresh water fish; they are not dead, but alive; they are not blind, they have eyes; they are not big fish, but small; and the type of fish is not found elsewhere in the area. There is no valid scientific explanation for this phenomenon. Many people believe this phenomenon occurs because of Father José Manuel Subirana, a Spanish catholic missionary and considered by many to be a Saint. He visited Honduras from 1856-1864, and upon encountering so many poor people, prayed for 3 days and 3 nights asking God for a miracle to help the poor people by providing food. The Rain of Fishes has occurred ever since.

MOVIE BUZZ

 
Blades of Glory: Here's the first pic of Napoleon Dynamite and Will Ferrell in their figure-skating outfits. Nope, not homoerotic at all…

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: In the trailer, Michelangelo learns that, generally speaking, mom jokes are far less effective when inadvertently disrespecting one's own mother. For more advanced mom-joking, see White Men Can't Jump.

Music and Lyrics: At which point in the trailer does your brain explode: (a) when Hugh Grant appears in an '80s new-wave video, (b) when a guy refers to a pop singer who's "bigger than Britney and Christina put together," (c) when Drew Barrymore freestyles a lyric, (d) when she goes on to explain that "a melody is like sex" or (e) all of the above?

The Golden Compass: The official site for next year's big holiday blockbuster is online. Apparently, the target demo is illiterate children, because the creepy site reads all the text to you. Kind of ironic considering it's based on a book.

Well, there you have it, another fine entry of the Phile. I updated the Phile's  webshots and check out the Phile's new Myspace site. Yeah, the Phile is taking over. I will leave you with a random pic. Spread the word, and not the turd.

'Tis The Season To Be Horny

Hello, happy holidays, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. December 7th, Pearl Necklace...I mean Harbor Day. It’s that time of the year. Everyone loves being home for the holidays. Well maybe not USC. Thirty people in New Jersey are sick from ecoli after eating at a Taco Bell. As a result they took the ecoli taco off the menu. As a result, Taco Bell is changing their slogan from 'Think Outside the Bun' to 'Puke Outside the Store'. Hillary Clinton is getting ready to campaign in Iowa. She will be campaigning non-stop for the next two years. How will Bill manage being home alone all that time? The other night, the Billboard Music Awards aired without co-hosts Paris Hilton and Britney Spears -- who backed out at the last minute. Luckily, the banter that had been written for Paris and Britney sound just as good coming from a lamp and a stapler. Paris Hilton said the jokes that were written for her were insulting to her peers. Paris' exact quote was 'I'm standing up for skanks everywhere.' Speaking of Britney, she turned 25 this weekend. I hope she got something useful for her birthday. Underpants perhaps. Britney’s pal Lindsay Lohan has been, according to her publicist, she has been going to AA meetings. Doesn’t anyone recognize the fact that the second word of AA is Anonymous? Lohan wasn't planning on attending the meeting - but when she woke up, that's where she'd parked. NASA announced plans to build a space station on the moon. When asked where on the moon they would put the space station, a spokesperson for NASA said, 'Between the two Starbucks.' According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although, the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. Presidents. According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything. Scientists say they have discovered a cure for erectile dysfunction that involves only one needle injection into the penis. A spokesperson for men said, 'Get back to us when it requires zero injections in the penis'. It’s amazing every year how some toys that were popular the year before just disappear. Like today at the store I saw an Elmo doll in the corner tickling himself. The movie piracy comes from being a big business in Asia. You can buy new movies on any street corner, just like that, for pennies. And you can get the knockoffs of American toys ... A lot gets lost in translation though. I saw the Tickle Me Elmo called 'Touch Me on Red Parts to Make Me Happy' doll. Three schools are currently in the running for the George W. Bush library. I understand that the loser will get the library. This year White House Christmas decorations include several 10-foot-tall nutcrackers. Apparently, this was the biggest nutcracker at the White House since Hillary Clinton was first lady. Several months after taking over the CBS Evening News, CBS says that Katie Couric has decided to make some adjustments to improve ratings. I think she's getting desperate because the first thing Katie wants to do is hire Matt Lauer and Al Roker. Madonna is going to have a special. It’s called 'What Child Is This…and How Much Does it Go For?' I found a great gag gift. Oakland Raiders tickets! For the first time in 20 years the U.S. citizenship exam is getting a makeover. A new test. For Mexicans there will be two parts. A written exam and an obstacle course, swimming and jumping. Man, it's so cold right now. It's colder than President Bush on Jeopardy. It's was so cold penguins are following Morgan Freeman around when he talked. It was so windy out I saw a Kia go uphill.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

The Amazing Race 10 has its final three teams, and one of them is an all-female team, the first time in 10 seasons we’ve ever had two women together in the final three. Next week is the one-hour finale—only an hour this year instead of the typical two-hour extended finale. While the funnier teams have been systematically eliminated, there will probably be enough to keep us entertained as they race home to the US. The penultimate episode certainly had plenty of fun moments: Giving the blondes some competition in the stupidity department, Kimberly looked out her window and said, “I hate how there’s so many dogs out here. Oh, those are lambs.” Rob corrected her, and she said, “Goats. Well, I saw the horns and I knew it was a goat.” Or a devil-dog. Introducing the Roadblock, Phil walked by a market stall that had camel heads dangling out front. Apparently Phil bought one before filming that segment, and stored it in his white pants. Later, he was wearing the same plants, and the camelhead was clearly gone. From the Conversations We Wouldn’t be Surprised to Learn Tyler and James Have Had Before Department: Tyler: “First thing you have to do, grind all your meat. Use that thing to jam it all in there.” James: “It’s coming, it’s just not fast, you know?” As crazy Rob was running down the streets of Casablanca, looking psychotic, he threw his hands up in the air and said, “Help!”—as if anyone would stop to help such a scary freak. “I would rather have that than Christmas presents for the next five years,” one of the blondes said about getting on a flight before the other teams. I’m not sure we’ve ever witnessed backseat eating on The Amazing Race before, but at the Casablanca Roadblock, there was plenty, thanks to Karlyn. As Lyn ate camel meat, she told Karlyn, “It’s hot. He just took it off the fire.” Karlyn didn’t care: “You just need to hurry up.” Lyn replied, “I can’t just swallow hot food,” but again, Karlyn kept trying to tell her how to masticate: “You gotta move quicker. You can’t be chewing and contemplating. Are you serious? Are you in the race, too?” Lyn finally said, “I’m racing; if you could shut the hell up, I could do better.” The blondes, facing a 30-minute penalty unless they checked in first, asked the former drug-addict models, “If it came down to a foot race,” “if you guys could just maybe trip?” But one of the guys said, “There’s no way I’d lay down for them.” In Spain, the teams got a chance to pull out the most popular word in The Amazing Race Phrasebook: Rapido. At least it’s actually a Spanish word. Tyler explained his team’s strategy, which involved following the blondes around: “We’re going to tail them to the end and guarantee ourselves a spot in the final three. Love it.” Ordering a cab, Rob said to his girlfriend, “Kimberly, go ask that guy on the phone. Just go talk to him, babe. Flirt. Use your sexuality.” Sell your body if you can, because you could use the extra cash. Rob and Kimberly’s attitude is apparently contagious. Karlyn has been getting increasingly bitchy, tellingLyn, “Whatever,” when Lyn talked to her about getting a cab. “We’re not going to work together, we may as well go home,” Lyn said. Introducing the Detour, Phil said one of those lines that makes perfect sense in context, but sounds utterly ridiculous later: “Once they become a giant, they must walk more than a mile among city streets.” Best. Detour. Ever. While Dustin and Kandice wandered the streets of Barcelona dressed in giant costumes, Rob and Kimberly had to search through a pile of tomatoes, during which they had a meltdown—and a crowd of people threw tomatoes at them! It’s like we got to participate in the task. Kimberly gave up, ran away, and Rob screamed, “Way to cry. I can’t believe you, just because you’re getting hit by a couple of tomatoes.” But they went back, and many people continued to bean Kimberly on the head with tomatoes; tragically, no one hit Rob in the teeth. In a race first, a teammate behaving badly apologized for her actions. “It’s just the stress that gets to you, and I don’t handle it well,” Karlyn told Lyn. “And I apologize for that.” After checking in first, Rob started crying, saying “It would just mean a lot to me to win.” Then he finished the sentence by saying, “I want to win a million dollars for a start at a family with this amazing woman. I want to marry her. It would be a start to a life together.” The tragic thing about this speech, besides the fact that it totally worked on Kimberly even though Rob’s an ass, is that it seemed designed to soften us—in preparation for a Rob and Kimberly win next week? “Congratulations, you are the first all-female team to make it into the final three in the history of The Amazing Race,” Phil told Lyn and Karlyn. That’s great for them, but kind of sad that it took 10 seasons for that to happen. As it turned out, the blondes checked in last, so their 30-minute penalty didn’t even apply. They said something about hoping to have excised the stereotype about pageant girls adjusting their tiaras, but I was too busy lamenting the loss of their good looks.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1941: A Day That Will Live In Infamy. 1982: Texas murderer Charlie Brooks in becomes the first person executed in the United States by that newfangled lethal injection. 1982: Armenian earthquake kills 100,000. 1987: David Burke, a recently fired airline employee, stalks his ex-boss onboard a Pacific Southwest Airline jet. He shoots the man in mid-flight and causes the plane to crash, killing all 43 people on board. 1993: Colin Ferguson opens fire on the Long Island Railroad, killing 6 and injuring 17 others. His attorney William Kunstler tried to use a "black rage" defense, but Ferguson fired him and represented himself. What resulted was a bizarre proceeding of Ferguson claiming innocence and that he was a "patsy" of the government. The trial ended with six consecutive life sentences. 1995: Disgruntled postal employee John Pitney arrives at his Denver workplace in a dress and is placed on administrative leave. Pitney returns later that day in the same dress but sporting a strap-on dildo and gorilla mask. He is arrested. God bless America and God bless the US Postal Service.

BROKEN

It may look innocent enough, but check out the warning on Hasbro's FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony: "Adults take note: Pony comes unassembled in box with head detatched. You may wish to not open the box around your children if they may be frightened by a box with a decapitated horse inside." Don't buy them The Godfather DVD, either, I guess.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Oh man, looks like Chewie got into the grape juice again! He's going to be up all night.

HEROES

Promos for this "fall finale" promised a stunning climax and that "a hero will die." Show creators can't be held accountable for, shall we say, the exuberance of the network publicity machine, but we do get a great episode this time that lives up to the hype. Bear with me, I kind of went overboard this week, with what I'll have to call an overly-extended review, but hey, it's the last episode until January 22nd anyway. Feel free to skim, my feeling won't be hurt. Claire's Dad initially matches her honesty by revealing that he's known about her ability all along. Before tonight ends the new bond between them is turned on its head. That impressed me. HRG has become one of the most complex and interesting characters on the show. By the way, it's cool when characters actually communicate with each other; that then adds more conflict. It's great to see that happen again and again in this episode, as characters come together and talk about what they know, and to try and figure out just when the fuck is going on. An interesting plot point came up in that early scene between them, when HRG says there are others like Sylar out there; others who would want to kill Claire and people like her. Not necessarily people with Sylar's same ability and agenda, I don't think (but maybe) but definitely more enemies on the horizon. Claire thinks that is what is happening later, but the enemy is closer to home. Fascinating to see HRG switch so smoothly from loving father in one scene to ice cold interrogator in the next scene with Sylar, threatening to take Sylar apart like one of his own "timepieces" and see what makes him tick. Later, you can see the pride in HRG's eyes when Claire holds her own against FBI Audry's questioning. He even allows her to talk to Peter alone, an example of the newfound trust between father and daughter, I thought. But the truth is that he already knows he's going to take all those memories away from her. It's especially hurtful to her when she discovers her only friend Zach's memories of her were stolen. That's moot. Claire will have to rediscover everything, which is a huge and depressing setback. Her father believes he is doing this to protect her, but it's still chilling. Especially when "the Haitian" says that he has wiped out Claire's mom's memories over and over again. Maybe that accounts for Mrs. Bennet's rather dazed demeanor much of the time. The fallout from saving the cheerleader ends up driving more of the heroes to Odessa. Parkman and Hanson follow up on this latest Sylar sighting. Nathan flies down to bail out Peter. Hiro and Ando meet Isaac the artist. Hiro's so enthused about the encounter, he flashes him the traditional greeting of Vulcans, which he finds appropriate. Isaac might be thinking, "Uh oh, fanboy alert," judging from his initial expression. Loved the "bitches and dogs" exchange about cops and fidelity between Parkman and his FBI partner, Hanson. Hanson's finally showing a bit of her personal side, which is no less tough, but a little less cynical than her professional persona. She gives Parkman some much-needed marriage advice: work at it, if you want to save it. Funny and cool scene when Parkman uses his abilities on Peter, and Peter adopts the ability and they start a feedback thought-reading loop, much to Agent Hanson's confusion. Later, when Hanson slips up and has that nice thought about Parkman, he reads it, much to her embarrassment. That's funny too.
Jessica clips D.L. in the shoulder and blows out his tires, which has to mean she didn't want him dead, as she later explains to Niki. She's killed enough already, that it wouldn't be an accident that she only winged him. There's a funny moment, when she passes a mirror and sees Niki staring out at her with deep concern. Jessica says, "What're you looking at?" Later Niki and Jessica have a power struggle. "You're part of me," say Niki, "you do what I say." "It doesn't work that way," replies Jessica. But if Niki learns to harness her Jessica side, then maybe she can join the ranks of the other heroes. When Jessica hurts Micah, Niki seems able to drive her evil sister away, at least for the moment. The entire family ends up in Peter's New York vision, so evidently they are essential in some way too, though they still seem furthest away from the macro-concerns of the other characters, thoroughly mired in their own problems. Heh. Finding out that one cheerleader is dead, Hiro and Ando re-debate "save the cheerleader, save the world." Is it the if, then statement that Hiro , as the one whose future-self said it, claims it is; or an and statement like Ando assumes? Since so many fans have discussed this slogan for weeks, and NBC sure attempted to wring the hell out of it in promos, I found it hilarious watching two characters on the show splitting hairs and trying to parse the sentence for every possible interpretation. Hiro, seems to sum it up in the end when he says, "Never mind," and "Get back on mission." There is an atomic blast to stop. Destiny calls, and Ando sensibly wishes that destiny would lose their number. Peter and Claire get to talk and Claire finds out for the first time that she's not alone. A short-lived peace for the benighted cheerleader, I know. She initially thinks that Peter's power is identical to hers. When she finds out it isn't, and that Peter expected he'd probably be killed by the fall, she's amazed. "Kind of stupid, huh?" says Peter. Peter has made a valuable ally out of a grateful HRG, seemingly. But you can never tell with ol' Mr. Bennet. Besides answering questions for each other, and the audience, a lot of new questions are raised. Hiro asks a big one. When the Artist tells him about his mural of an "exploding man," Hiro asks, "How do you stop an exploding man?" And he's soon got other worries to pile on top of that. Like how to find the sword in the Artist's painting, and how to avoid the Butterfly Effect if he has to go Jurassic and fight a dinosaur. Eden, early on, proposes to HRG that she could make Sylar kill himself. The unseen higher-ups, evidently, want Sylar alive, as higher-ups generally do with very powerful evil beings in these type of situations. HRG is tempted, at least, to let her do it. The Haitian isn't just the strong silent type, he's actually mute, according to what Eden says in that scene. But he speaks to Claire later, of course. Maybe he only speaks in special circumstances. The Haitian seems to have two powers: the ability to block abilities, but also the amnesia power. At least one other character (besides Sylar, who steals abilities) has more than one power, and that's Peter who has precognitive dreams in addition to his mimic power. Not insignificantly, the Haitian's dampening power isn't absolute. Parkman is able, with great effort, to break through and pick up the name Sylar from him. Before attempting to deal with Sylar. Eden frees Isaac to try to allow him to effect the future. A lot of viewers have suggested they thought Eden has her own agenda. Unfortunately her attempt to avenge Chandra Suresh's murder appears to be the end of her. Damn! And I thought it would be bad if Sylar got Claire's ability! Now he has If he had Eden's whispering power, how do they stop that? I'm not sure how or why Sylar's abilities happened to return right at that moment so he could smash the glass and attack Eden. Did he have his abilities all along, and was he just pretending earlier with HRG until he could get close enough to Eden to steal her ability? The show ends with Peter's revelatory vision, which was obscure enough to be interpreted many ways. Besides the fact that we see the downside of Peter's mimicry (does he absorb Radiation Man's ability and can't control it?) the other thing I though was significant was seeing Claire mouth the words "I'm sorry" to him. Who knows, at this point, what she did to be sorry for. Can't wait to find out. Meanwhile I'd love to hear theories. By the way, if you're having trouble keeping names and faces straight, Wikipedia has a detailed character list, with photos. Very helpful, and a lot easier to load and navigate than the official NBC site. Lots of minor characters are included there, such as, Jackie Wilcox, aka the "other cheerleader." My thanks to Pete who pointed out some things I might have misinterpreted in watching the show and preparing this overly-long review. According to Pete, Jessica did try to kill D.L. (it would seem) with her second shot, and he used his power to make her third shot pass harmlessly through himself, though that doesn't explain why she just wounded him in the shoulder with her first shot.

THERE IS A GOD

Britney is pantless

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 4: Tobey Maguire doesn't want to do any more Spider-Man movies. What, you're going to protest and refuse to see No. 4 if they recast with somebody like Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah, right.

He-Man: The second live-action adaptation is dead. Now we'll never know if our hero ever got to second base with Teela. And what of Adam's twin sister, Adora, and the nefarious Evil-Lyn and endearingly incompetent Beast Man? You know, Man-at-Arms was a totally underrated supporting character. Wait — have I said too much?

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Great — just when I think my new Prius is the niftiest hybrid out there, the Fantastic Four have to go out and get a proton-powered Fantasticar.

Christ, the Man: The dude who made Showgirls, Robocop and Starship Troopers is risking death threats to make a movie theorizing that Jesus may have been a regular ol' dude and not the Son of God. Call it The Rehashin' of the Christ.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: You know who's awesome at bootlegging really weird photos of Keira Knightley in Oriental pirate costumes? The Russians.

Wild Hogs: The trailer has Tim Allen, John Travolta, William H. Macy and Martin Lawrence decked out in Village People-meets-Hell's Angels leather duds. Warning — you can't unwatch this clip. It's an image that will be burned into your brain forever.

Well, that's about it for another entry. Only three more or so in 2006 to go. We have a lot of Christmas shopping to do this weekend, as well going to try and see Unaccompanied Minors which I will review next week. In the meantime, spread the word and not the turd. I leave you with a random picture with a holiday theme.