Monday, June 19, 2006

Your Dad Did

Well the sun comes up and you stare your cup of coffee, yup, right through the kitchen floor. You feel like hell so you might as well get out and sell your smart ass door to door. And the Mrs. wears her robe slightly undone as your daughter dumps her oatmeal on your son. And you keep it hid just like your dad did. So you go to work just to watch some jerk pick up the perks you were in line to get. And the guy that hired you just got fired, your job's expired, they just ain't told you yet. So you go and buy a brand new set of wheels to show your family just how great you feel. Acting like a kid just like your dad did. And you're a chip off the old block, why does it come as such a shock
that every road up which you rock, your dad already did. Yeah you've seen the old man's ghost, come back as creamed chipped beef on toast. Now if you don't get your slice of the roast. You're gonna flip your lid just like your dad did. Well the day was long now, supper's on, the thrill is gone, but something's taking place. Yeah the food is cold and your wife feels old but all hands fold as the two year old says grace. She says help the starving children to get well, but let my brother's hamster burn in hell. You love your wife and kids just like your dad did.

Hello, and welcome to a Father's Day version of The Peverett Phile. Jen is at work, Logan is asleep and here I am at my computer. so, what's going on in the news. let's see, Republicans in the senate have given up on gay marriage. They are now working on banning flag burning. If we do this we will join the other three countries that don’t allow flag burning – China, Cuba and Iran. Stand with our brothers! Wednesday San Francisco had a 4.7 earthquake. Barry Bonds tried to fit under a doorway but his head was too big. In Germany hundreds of soccer hooligans have been arrested for flipping over cars, starting fires and throwing bottles at police. How about they put that on TV? I’ll watch that over the World Cup. It’s estimated that over 40,000 prostitutes have gone to Germany for the World Cup. This is the only chance the U.S. team has of scoring. There has been a change at the White House. President Bush’s speech writer is leaving the administration. His last words were, "Me, go now.” About $1.4 billion of aid money to Hurricane Katrina victims has gone to alcohol, vacations and pornography. The worst part is that some of that was wasted. Fox News critics are reporting that the new Superman movie portrays Superman as a gay man. In this new movie Clark Kent plays the role of a mild mannered reporter for "Access Hollywood”. How many people had an al Zarqawi weekend? That’s where you get bombed and you can’t find your house. More news coming out about the death of al Zarqawi. They say he died of complications with his lungs. They said he was smoking when they found him. Not cigarettes. He was actually smoking. Here’s something bizarre, when investigators were going through the rubble, they found women’s lingerie, leper teddy. Apparently Zarqawi was not only a member of al Qaeda he was a member of al kinky as well. President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq Tuesday it lasted five hours. Longer than he stayed for any of the National Guard meetings. Security was very tight. He even had Dick Cheney riding shotgun. Ha, you didn't think I could get through a whole blog without mentioning Cheney, did you? Kevin Federline might be getting into movies he says. Not acting. He’s joining Netflix. Well, it's hurricane season here in Florida and we had something coming our way in the beginning of the week. Alberto was in the Gulf of Mexico moving north towards Florida. Not the hurricane. A guy in a raft from Cuba. He’s got a good right hand. That’s the name of the hurricane, Alberto. See even the hurricanes are getting smarter. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the U.S. President Bush said that illegal immigrants that come to America should learn English. He said, "Hey, if I was moving to Canada, I would learn Canadian.”


Ratings for the broadcast of the first season finale on the Sci Fi Channel, The Parting of the Ways, in America are in: the telecast scored a 1.14 household rating with an average of 1.4 million viewers. According to Outpost Gallifrey's source at the Sci Fi Channel, the first full season of the series averaged a 1.26 household rating, with an average audience of 1.5 million views. (Some other statistics for the season: the audience was 63% male, with a median age of 46 years, and scored a 1.00 rating in men ages 18-49 and a 0.62 rating in men 18-34.) Though the ratings for the broadcast of the first series seem to have been lower than expected, that now doesn't appear to be the case. As reported at the Sci Fi Channel's own news service, Sci Fi Wire, "the new updated Doctor Who boosted SCI FI Channel's ratings on Friday nights by double digits, the network reported. The new version of Doctor Who, produced by the BBC, wrapped its first season on SCI FI on June 9. Doctor Who averaged a 1.3 household rating and 1.5 million total viewers in its 9 p.m. Friday timeslot, a 44 percent increase in ratings and a 54 percent increase in viewership over the same timeslot in the second quarter last year. In key demographics, Doctor Who averaged 778,000 viewers aged 18-49, a 57 percent increase over 2005, and 942,000 viewers aged 25-54, a 56 percent increase." The Futon Critic, a respected source of industry and media news noted the "double-digit ratings growth this quarter on Fridays from 9pm to 10pm versus the time period last year," referring to the fact that Doctor Who was a broadcast original for the network in a time period (March to June) when it normally shows reruns. (Until this series broadcast, Sci Fi's original Friday night series -- Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis and Battlestar Galactica -- broadcast in two halves, July through September for the first half of each season, and then January to March for the second half.) What does this mean for Series Two? A pop-culture website called ICV2 today stated that "The second season will kick off in the U.S. on Sci Fi Channel in October." However, this appears to be simple speculation on the part of the website; Sci Fi has not announced any plans to purchase the second season of the series at this time, although it's a foregone conclusion that if it did, October would be a likely timeframe for it to be shown (as the Stargate shows end their half-season runs in September, while Galactica returns in October, presumably in its regular 10pm timeslot... with, theoretically, space for Doctor Who to run before each new episode at 9pm.) The Phile will keep you posted.


Here is a list of everything a man should know about fatherhood. Don't worry, your dad didn't know what he was doing, either. Second thought, maybe you should worry. Never tell anybody that you and your wife are "trying." We really don't need the visual, that's why. Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing. Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars. Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity. For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride. Then, a referee. And finally, a bank. If you want to subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local anesthetic, since many pediatricians don't bother to use one. The anesthetic is for the kid. Baby gas is lessened with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake. Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out, not pursed, helps. There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething. Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by kindergarten. Diaper-rash remedy: Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak baby's bottom in tepid water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. Or Lotrimin. Rediaper. You know how they say you'll get used to diapers? You won't. Unless you wear them a lot. Forcing children to use toilets will make them dislike toilets. Children begin using toilets when they tire of that not-so-fresh feeling. Of course, this is long, way long, after you tire of it. The start of crawling: usually begins between six months and twelve months. Standing: usually between nine and twelve months. Walking: between twelve and fifteen months. The onset of the above, as with all developmental skills, is hugely variable among individual children. Avoid walkers, not only because they can be dangerous around stairs but because they don't require a child to balance and thus retard his walking progress. Reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to get arrested. The threat of an unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one. Annals of great punishments: Hang dolly from a noose! Annals of great punishments, for real: making him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group. You see, all great punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform. Teach by example. Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they're allowed to make their own mistakes in judgment. Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse. The first time you change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's foreshadowing. Children of too-strict parents are more likely to develop tics. Let them take reasonable risks: A few scrapes in the long run are nothing compared with the scars left by hovering parents. Or tics. In preparation for risks: a Red Cross first-aid course. The most common cause of fatal injury among kids between five and nine involves cars, which is to say, hold their hands. And buckle them in. Try to tuck them in every night, too. When changing diapers, avoid baby powder, as it can irritate her lungs. When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle. It never hurts to videotape the baby-sitter. Especially if she's hot. Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter. Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have. Overalls are not only cute, they provide a convenient handle. At a certain point, your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries, Cheerios, and hot dogs. Dropping food on the floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt to annoy you. However, as small he or she might be, never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great distances. The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps. NOW, more than ever, don't move into a place without laundry facilities. Children's hobbies to nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting. Beware your child's uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches. It is, of course, your natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings' offspring. You are under no obligation to tell children the truth. Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: "Oh, that tree? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course." On the other hand, they do remember everything. Sesame Street. Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son's does not. Lock or no, please knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him. Other doors to lock: those on the liquor cabinet. There is only one reason fora teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is. Unfortunately, those books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women who are not your wife. No matter how wealthy you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him. Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items; teach the little bastard some responsibility! The previous statement proving you are your parents. Only -- hopefully -- with better fashion sense. Price of a college education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000. If the real response to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom." DNA tests are 99.9 percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure. Reason boys are better: Boys start talking later than girls. Reason girls are better: Boys toilet-train later than girls. The twos aren't always terrible. Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them. How scary is that? Establishing savings accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly deposits teaches them how to eventually become J. R Morgan. The above could prove useful in your dotage. Corny as it sounds, that Harry Chapin guy was right. Then again, you could argue that W. C. Fields was right, too. It's never too early to begin reading to children. Let them read what they enjoy. Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well. No, you cannot ask for it back. Furthermore, you cannot steal his. Acceptable reading material: Dr. Seuss, Where the Wild Things Are, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Curious George, and any of the following by Roald Dahl -- James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Danny the Champion of the World. Neither of the following by Roald Dahl: Kiss, kiss or Switch Bitch. Know that by the time your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants will be long gone, as will tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson. Of course, by 2015, kids might very well sever arms and legs as fashion statements. Some parents walk around naked in front of their children. These parents should stop it. Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great. And never raise a hand to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that. The harder they play, the earlier they sleep. Never turn down an invitationto play. No toys that require batteries. They never really outgrow the claw. "No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means "Apply the claw, please." All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles -- particularly other people's fatherhood. You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a grandfather. If you're thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.

SEARCH ENGINE Have fun creating the face of yourself or others. List of the 50 most smart palces to live. Number one is Nashville, Tn. Harrisburg, Pa where my wife Jen is from is number 12. Florida didn't make the list at all!

P.P. T.V.

foghat- slow ride Dave Peverett: guitar, vocals, Rod Price: guitar, slide, Tony Stevens: bass, Roger Earl: drums.
The answer to last week's question was baby toy. It was a teething ring. So, what is the next one, that happy work thing? Sex toy or baby toy?



Okay, then, I hope you liked that picture. Well, I amrunning out of space so let's get to...


Indiana Jones 4: George Lucas really, really, really wants Sean Connery to come out of retirement. Little-known scientific fact: While waiting for this project to get started, Harrison Ford actually became older than Connery. Weird.

Lady In The Water: M. Night Shyamalan would like to tuck you in and read you a bedtime story. Now he can bore you to sleep with a book, too.

Transformers: Look, if you're in your 30s and actually get excited when I tell you they posted the website for this ridiculous movie based on toys you played with as a kid, there's really nothing I can do to help you. Just keep playing with Optimus Prime while the rest of us get on with our lives.

The Hulk 2: When Avi Arad says the next Hulk movie will be a "do-over," he means that it'll be a reboot of the franchise à la Batman Begins, not a remake of the first one. Fanboys can be so literal.

Ratatouille: The teaser's sorta like Lady and the Tramp, only with rats and cheese instead of dogs and pasta.

Okay, that's it. Happy Father's Day. Check out the webshots page to see pictures from my Father's Day, and other shots that I updated the site with. I will leave you with a random picture, but first, the next update will be either next Tuesday or next Thursday. Anyway, spread the word, not the turd.

Click for a random picture!

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