Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Force Will Be With You...Always

And so will the Phile. Hey, there, and welcome to the Peverett Phile coming to you from Central Florida where we have brush fires everywhere, skies filled with smoke, a tropical storm approaching and the bird-flu right around the corner. Well, this weekend was the last weekend of Star Wars Weekends. I worked with Temuera Morrison who played Jango Fett and all the Clone Troopers in Episode's 2 and 3. He was a really nice guy and very shy. Last weekend I was with Jay Laga'aia, who was captain Thpho. Coincidentally, Temuera was the best man at Jay Laga'aia's wedding. Anway, let's get on with the humor. As you know, last Wednesday the U.A. military forces have killed terrorist al Zarqawi in an air strike. So we didn’t get the devil on 6-6-6, but we only missed by one day. That’s not bad. He was hit be two 500 pound bombs. al Zarqawi name is now ow ow ow Zarqawi! Do you know what his last words were? "Holy Shiite!” In discussing the incident Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield said that Zarqawi was mean, vicious and hateful - you know what that means? Ann Coulter could be next. Al Gore’s movie about global warming broke into the top 10 this past week. President Bush was not impressed. He said, "My movie about me, Fahrenheit 911 did a lot better than that.” President Bush has said he probably will not see the film. Though he says he did go see Ice Age 2: The Meltdown. So he feels he has most of his facts down. Do you know how Michael Jackson spent 6/6/06? With three six year olds. The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. But if you think about it, do you really want congress defining marriage? Isn’t that like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy? The Republicans are not saying that after illegal immigration and gay marriage the next issue President Bush will tackle is flag burning. So if you are an illegal immigrant who is crossing our border to burn the flag at your gay wedding…we’ve got your number. Adam Sandler has a terrific new movie called Click. Very funny premise, he has a universal remote that allows him to rewind and fast forward through parts of his life. How amazing would that be for President Bush? He could just flip ahead 25 years to see how the war in Iraq ends. Are you excited about the World Cup? Of course not. You’re Americans. You could care less. Yesterday England won, 1-0. Yeah. Congressman Patrick Kennedy was released from rehab this week. In fact, they took precautions in Washington. They placed concrete barriers in front of the concrete barriers. Actually, Kennedy wasn’t cured, the doctors made him leave. They said, "Cure a Kennedy? We’re doctors not miracle workers.” Anna Nicole Smith is pregnant. I heard the father is so upset that he’s turning over in his grave. Barry Bonds has broken another record. He has passed Babe Ruth’s weight.


A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Georgia in Athens. They would get together two or three times a week at the Varsity for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would
all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert  it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the  "experience". Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.  "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I
went out and I found me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!  But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus" They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He
was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He spoke to the the others. "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out!"


Ratings for the twelfth episode of the first season of the new series, Bad Wolf, on US television on the Sci Fi Channel, have come in: the telecast dropped a bit to a 1.02 household rating with an average of 1.3 million viewers, down from the previous broadcast ("Boom Town") two weeks before and the smallest average audience to date for a Doctor Who original this season. The show was on a week-long hiatus, with viewers possibly tuning out after the lack of a broadcast the week before. Season-to-date, Sci Fi reports that Doctor Who is currently averaging a 1.27 household rating and an average audience of 1.5 million viewers for the season. The season finale aired this Friday, June 9.
For Father's day there's a bunch of DVD's that I want. But right here, I am goping to list ten item's that would also be cool.
Instant Beeper Alarm for Open Wallets: This... hi-tech Beeping Wallets can protect you against losing your money. The wallet beeps whenever anything is removed and continues to beep every 20 seconds to remind you to replace it. The beeping mechanism shuts off after 5 minutes.
Pee Goal: A trip to the gents may be relieving but now it can be exciting as well. With the new Pee Goals, you can practice your aim and you might even score...The Pee Goal consists of a green base, goal post and a little football on a string. Take aim, shoot and see if you can score a goal.
Remote Controlled Lawn Mower: The Mower has evolved from three generations of high tech robots. It is state of the art and custom built to suit all mowing needs. The RCLM2006S comes with a wireless gas engine electric start.
Poop Odor Eliminator Pills: Whiff reduces or eliminates poop odor by helping your body process and cleanse your poop's key odor-causing compounds. Whiff’s all-natural ingredients, used safely for centuries by Chinese and Native American herbalists, are specially blended for a healthier intestinal environment that lets you truthfully say, "My poop doesn't stink!"
You Try Being Knocked Up Simulator Pack: The Empathy Belly"® Pregnancy Simulator lets you know what it feels like to be pregnant! It is a multi-component, weighted "garment" that will -- through medically accurate simulation -- enable men, women, teenage girls and boys to experience over 20 symptoms and effects of pregnancy, including: Weight gain of 30 pounds (13.6 kg.) Fetal kicking and stroking movements, Shallow breathing and shortness of breath, Increased blood pressure, pulse and body temperature, Bladder pressure and frequency of urination, Low backaches; shift in center of gravity; waddling, Fatigue, irritability, and much, much more!
Gentlemen's Silver Ball Scratcher: You can scratch your balls in style with this silver Gentleman’s Ball Scratcher. For times when you are alone, this superb invention, shaped and styled to a female hand, can precisely reach all nooks and crannies and allow you to scratch away ’til your balls are content.Or even in the office – this device is perfect. With a nine-inch handle people wont even see what you’re doing, as you ease the delicate hand beneath the desk and satisfy that urge...the ultimate itchy balls solution.
Automatic Finger Flicking Lighter: Flip 'em the bird with this unique lighter.
Push the igniter and this lighter not only produces a Green Flame,it also shouts out the phrase FUCK YOU twice.
Hidden Beer Belly Storage Pack: Removable spare tire that serves your stealth beverage...Now you can take up to 80oz. of your favorite beverage wherever you go... Even where "they" don't want you to! The Beerbelly is made up of an insulated neoprene “sling” and a polyurethane “bladder” with a tube for dispensing. The bladder is held in an insulated pouch in the sling which is worn under your clothing for concealment. When worn, it looks just like a beerbelly, and stays cold for hours!
Fur Cushioned Padded Nylon Panties for Men: These custom panties are terrific.I've lined the crotch in the softest furry fabric.They "FEEL" like Fluffy Yummy Marshmallow Clouds. Treat yourself today.
Instant Inflatable Pub for His Back Yard: The pub is 40ft long, 19ft wide and 22ft high. It can be customised for use as a fully working pub, with room for a bar and 30 customers. So what do you think? Did I pick some good ideas for stuff that Dad's REALLY need? What are you getting the old man for Father's Day?
GRAND OPENING - Everything 99 cents or above!



That was last week's answer. So, what is this one? Sex toy or baby toy?



Why is it hot in the summer and colder in the winter? It is all about the tilt of the Earth's axis. Many people believe that the temperature changes because the Earth is closer to the sun in summer and farther from the sun in winter. In fact, the Earth is farthest from the sun in July and is closest to the sun in January! The Earth's movement around the sun causes the seasons, but it does not affect the temperatures during the seasons. During the summer, the sun's rays hit the Earth at a steep angle. The light does not spread out as much, thus increasing the amount of energy hitting any given spot. Also, the long daylight hours allow the Earth plenty of time to reach warm temperatures. During the winter, the sun's rays hit the Earth at a shallow angle. These rays are more spreadout, which minimizes the amount of energy that hits any given spot. Also, the long nights and short days prevent the Earth from warming up. Thus, we have winter!


Okay, now for something interesting.


Spider-Man 3: Spidey will battle four baddies. Who will accompany Venom, Sandman and the second coming of Green Goblin? Here's where I drop some comic-book–geek knowledge: It'll be Lizard, the alter ego of Dr. Curtis Connors, who's appeared in both movies, or Carnage, former cellmate of Eddie Brock, a k a Venom. On top of all this, Peter's gotta juggle two women? This overload is either brilliant, or it's Batman & Robin all over again.

X4: With X3 making serious bank, a fourth is inevitable. Look for the next installment to be all about the kids. Pyro and Iceman might be joined by Emma Frost, an ice queen who, in the comics, leads a team of teen mutants called Generation X, whose powers include listening to old Nirvana albums and complaining about Baby Boomers. Or maybe they'll update the story and call them Generation Y — they could have their own MySpace pages!

TheHoliday: In the trailer, Jack Black grazes Kate Winslet's boob, and instead of projectile-vomiting, she somehow finds the maneuver charming.

The Wicker Man: Watch out for these freaky things in the trailer for this Nic Cage horror remake: a disfigured old man with no shirt, crop "circles," a vanishing girl, a crow hiding in a desk, a fetus in a jar, an evil bunny mask and, strangest of all, a naked woman covered in bees!

Die Hard 4: If this script review means anything, they're going for some sort of apocalyptic, antiestablishment, Fight Club–style finale. Terrorists "rebooting" America by knocking our computer systems offline? Shouldn't be too hard to accomplish, except for the people using Macs.

The Night Listener: I have no idea what's going on in this promo reel. But Robin Williams has a beard, so it must be a drama.

Garfield: A Tale of Two-Kitties: They moved the release date up a week, so I'll be able to hate it even sooner! And my son wants to see this and not Superman Returns?! Yeesh, where did I go wrong?

And now, the review for Cars. Hotshot stock car Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) gets stuck in a small desert town and has to learn the meaning of friendship and life and humility and blah, blah, (all that other stuff you have to learn the meaning of) blah. Success is nothing without someone you love to share it with. I think that's what Billy Dee Williams told Diana Ross in Mahogany, right? It's basically that movie but with animated automobiles. I know it's wrong to blaspheme the holy unassailable name of Pixar, but this one is both the best and the worst of the whole batch. It's technically superior to everything that's come before it. It looks incredible and the level of detail is eye-boggling. Meanwhile, it's the least meaningful and the least funny. But still, it's a Pixar movie, and that means it's miles ahead of the competition in spite of its flaws. I'm not a fan of Larry the Cable Guy, even though I met him 17 years ago when he was on WDIZ and he's a Foghat fan, but dang it if he's not the funniest thing in this just good enough movie. You know how most animated features are fairly short? Like, 90 minutes tops, usually? Most of the time even shorter than that? This one pushes the two-hour mark. And you feel it. My butt should not begin to call out for mercy at an animated feature. That's an Oscar wannabe move. Did Logan like it? Of course. And how tailor-made for toy tie-ins can a movie not called Toy Story get? Did Jen like it? She said it was okay. From 1 to 10, 10 being the best, I gave it a nine. And yes, I'll get it on DVD when it comes out.

Well, that's about it. Next week the Phile will be updated on Sunday again, then I think after that we'll go back to Thursdays. I'll letcha know. In the meantime, kreep checking webshots. You never know when new pics will get posted. And remember, spread the word, not the turd. I will now leave you with a random picture. Ca-chow!

Click for a random picture!



No comments: