Pheaturing Justin Ross From The Bandicoots

Hello there, and welcome to the Phile for a Sunday. Man, the pollen counts are so high that junkies are trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed. My eyes are running, my nose is running... it's either the pollen count or I've been crying.  Anyway, the news that Harry Shearer is leaving "The Simpsons" hit the Internet like a ton of bricks this past week, reminding millions of people that the ground-breaking animated comedy is still on the air. The show's producer James L. Brooks, however, is still hoping that he can talk the actor... who provides the voice for roughly eight-sevenths of the characters on The Simpsons into staying onboard, taking his frustrations over contract negotiations to Twitter, where most business deals are hammered out these days.  Texas's conservative-led House Criminal Jurisprudence Committee voted 5-2 in favor of legalizing recreational marijuana use for adults last week. This is a pretty big deal from a cultural and legal perspective. No subset of a legislative body in the nation has backed marijuana legalization before. However, as Governor Greg Abbott has promised to veto any such bill that came across his desk, this effort has as much chance of surviving the full legislative process as a joint does of making it all the way through a Bob Marley cover band's Tuesday night rehearsal. Disappointed the Texas marijuana bill wasn't referred to a joint committee.  George Miller's newest installment of his Mad Max post-apocalyptic action series is getting great response from critics and audiences alike, putting it on track to knock Avengers: Age of Ultron from the top spot at the box office and garnering a 99 percent popularity score on Rotten Tomatoes. Who'd have thought that a speculative docudrama about the after effects of a Clinton presidency would prove so popular?  The United States is poised to burn through the final few million of the Internet's original 4.3 billion Internet Protocol addresses by the end of the summer. Luckily, we'll seamlessly be able to switch over from the IPv4 system we're currently using to a newer IPv6 system that has 340 undecillion addresses, 5 undecillion of which will not immediately be snatched up for porn.  I was meant to mention this last week McDonald's revealed it is changing the face of one of its most iconic brand ambassadors. After over 13 years out of the public eye, the Hamburglar is back with a new douchey look...

Why must our trusted corporations change the original characters they brainwashed us into identifying with in the first place? Hamburglar was just settling into the cozy corporate nostalgia part of my brain, right next to that insanely obnoxious Zima guy! Sure, the original Hamburglar's appearance raised some questions. Why the cape? How did he eat burgers with only one tooth? What horrific birth defect caused his giant, goofy head and hilarious speech impediment? But he was a lovable loser, just like everyone who tries to order McDonald's breakfast after 10:30am. The new Hamburglar just looks like a date rapist from a Dick Tracy comic strip. He seems to have a compelling backstory, though. McDonald's suggests the Hamburglar went straight, moved to the suburbs with his wife, and fathered a son... that's right, guys! The Hamburglar got laid! Unfortunately, the siren song of sirloin burgers causes him to relapse to his criminal ways. YOU'RE MAKING BURGERS ALREADY, YOU DON'T NEED TO STEAL THEM, HAMBURGLAR! Let's hope McDonald's doesn't boldly reimagine any other classic McDonaldland characters or they'll turn Mayor McCheese into Frank Underwood and Grimace into Terry Crews in body paint.  So, talking of food, did you see the new kinda Oreo's that are coming out?

I might have to try them.  Man, people are still making jokes about that whole Patriots football story. Check it out.

Haha. I'm sooo glad that this didn't happen to the Giants.  So, last week I showed you how lazy the world is getting with talking, thanks to emoticons. Even biographies that are coming out are using them. Here's a new one...

Haha. That's really funny. Alright, now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this weeks...

Top Phive Startling Similarities And Differences Between The New Hamburglar And "American Idol"
5. Is heavy on cheesy costumes and forced humor.
4. Is considered "kind of lame" by Ryan Seacrest.
3. Will soon be scrapped due to widespread disinterest.
2. Was a much better concept in 2002.
And the number one thing similar and different between the new Hamburlgar and "American Idol" is...
1. Makes Ruben Studdard think about eating hamburgers.

B.B. King 
September 16th, 1925 — May 14th, 2015
The thrill is really gone now.

If you spit the Mindphuck let me know. Alright, guess what time it is. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. It's...

Legend has it that B.B. King's famous guitar, Lucille got her name when the blues master was playing a juke joint down south. A fight broke out between two men over a woman. During the fight, a fire somehow started and the club evacuated to avoid the growing flames. B.B. King ran back into the burning building (nearly being killed) to retrieve his precious six string. After emerging from the building, he asked the name of the beauty who caused all the ruckus. Her name was... Lucille. So, that piece of shit who perpetrated the Boston Marathon bombing was just sentenced to the death penalty by lethal injection. My only hope is that there is a malfunction in the process and he dies a slow agonizing death... twitching on the table like Katherine Hepburn on a roller coaster. Got a problem with ANY part of what you just read? Fine, I'm allergic to stupid anyway... you won't be missed one bit.

Today's pheatured guest is the lead singer for the Canadian band The Bandicoots whose new CD is available on Bandcamp. Please welcome to the Phile... Justin Ross.

Me: Hey, Justin, welcome to the Phile, man. How are you?

Justin: Nice to be here. I’m doing well, thanks. I’d ask how you were doing, but they’re not called “Question & Answer & Question & Answer’s”, right?!

Me: Haha, No, you can ask me. I'm doing okay I guess. You're from Canada, right? What part?


Justin: Yup. Hamilton, Ontario!

Me: So... let me guess, do you know Adam Bentley by any chance? It seems like everyone in Hamilton that's on the music scene knows Adam. What has he been up too?

Justin: Haha, yeah, we do. He’s sort of the go-to PR Man around here, so I’m not surprised. From what I know, he’s been taming a tiny little kitten, and grooming a very respectable mustache.

Me: I like to ask my Canadian guests if they are fans of one of my favorite bands... Barenaked Ladies. Are you a fan of them, Justin?

Justin: Before I answer that, I have to say that my girlfriend and I were just talking about how she is planning on joining an all-girls cover band, and naming it Barenaked Men. Probably going to get a different crowd than the ladies did... To answer your questions, that Pepsi CD is so firmly implanted in my mind, that I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t think “dijon ketchup” every time I buy some Heinz.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your band The Bandicoots. I love that band name. How did you guys come up with it?

Justin: Wish I could say the same! Haha, even if you think the name is cool, I know for a fact that how I came up with it isn’t. I honestly typed “cool words that start with a ‘B’” into Google, just because I wanted our name to sit close to The Beatles in a record collection.

Me: How long has the band been together, Justin?

Justin: We’re saying 8 months, officially. But that’s a story for another interview!

Me: You just came out with your first EP "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things." First of, how did that title get to be the title and why all lower case letters?

Justin: The title came from an inside joke we had with our producer, Michael Keire (Threshold Studios). The phrase sort of just kept popping up throughout our recording sessions, and we wanted to try and incorporate the studio into our music, as much as possible. It’s half the reason why the EP sounds so good. As for the lower case letters... Nicolai (our guitar player) did the text for the art, so I’m not sure. Maybe the guy was just reliving those Comic Sans’MSN days. I couldn’t tell you.

Me: I love the song and video "Mind Your Manors."... I love a good pun. Are you the main songwriter, and did you come up with that yourself, Justin?

Justin: Haha, thank you. At least you didn’t correct it like a lot of blogs have been doing. I write the lyrics and often get a song rolling, but it’s all four of us that really make it a Bandicoot song. 
Yeah, that line somehow found its way into my head. I’m really into stuff like Monty Python, so that British-style word play probably stems from that. 


Me: What is the song about?

Justin: I came up with that after not being able to sleep for a couple nights, and some friends and I found our way into The Manor in Guelph. The title came from there, but the story happened when we were 18, at some other club, in Montreal. I don’t want to spoil the fun, so you’ll have to figure out the rest.

Me: The video is very clever and looked like it was a whole lot of fun to make... was it?

Justin: Definitely. People will let you do almost anything, as long as someone has a camera.

Me: Where was the video filmed?

Justin: Everything was shot in Hamilton, split between Jackson Sqaure and Limerdige Mall. But if anyone asks, they were replica sets. We really weren’t suppose to use most of our footage.

Me: Tell the readers what the concept of the video is.

Justin: We just thought it was a funny idea, really. Searching for Waldo, but then he finds you. Ha, hilarious!
 


Me: Did you know in England Waldo is named Wally? Those books originated in England.

Justin: No, not until some English writers started letting us know. I think I like Wally better, but my Canadian ego won’t let me admit that.

Me: Were you a fan of the "Where's Waldo" books growing up?

Justin: Of course. That and "Goosebumps"!

Me: Have you guys been playing many shows since you guys formed?

Justin: Yup. That’s one of the best parts about being in a band. For a while, we would only occasionally dip our toes out of Hamilton, but recently, most of our shows have been out of town. We have lots planned for the summer, maybe we can come visit you over there, with Wally.

Me: I am guessing you guys do a lot of covers, or at least a few in your shows. Who and what songs do you cover?


Justin: We honestly write like madmen. We have about 20 original songs under our belt by now. But we always throw in a cover, just for fun. We’ve been digging playing “All My Loving” by The Bealtes. I think our most interesting covers have been "Digital Witness" by St. Vincent, and "Temptation Greets You Like Your Naughty Friend" by Arctic Monkeys. We had our friend EMAY come up and do Dizzy’s part on that tune at our EP Release.

Me: What music did you listen to growing up?

Justin: My mom usually played stuff like Elvis Presley and Stray Cats around the house. And my grandpa would sing stuff from Glenn Miller and Patsy Cline. A bit later I was introduced to Queens of the Stone Age, and stuff like that. Although, when I could go buy my first records, I went straight for Metallica/Megadeth.
 
Oh, and BNL.

Me: There's four of you in the band... did you all know each other growing up?


Justin: Lorant and I met in middle school (because of our shared loved for Metallica, actually). I knew of Andrew, from the skate park and all that, but since we’re a couple years apart, we never really hung out or anything. And the first time I met Nicolai was at one of our jams. Andrew and I both worked at McDonald’s, and one of our work friends was friends with a guitar player. I don’t think Nick said a word during that jam. 
We’ve been best buds ever since.

Me:  So, how long did it take you to record this EP and was it hard to pick out the songs for it?


Justin: Until we’re famous and loaded, the recording process is pretty tight. You book out a weekend, and get in there Friday night to set up. Saturday and Sunday are left to record it all. Then mixing and mastering is done over a few weeks. It’s really quick. 
For this EP, the song choice was sort of obvious. It’s this second EP (that we’re going in to record next weekend... keep in mind, even though we just released the EP, we recorded it almost a year ago) that has been giving us trouble. We’ve written too many good songs! I’m sure we’ll be deciding and re-deciding right up to the Friday.

Me: Okay, on the Phile I try and remember to ask random questions thanks to Tabletopics. Ready? This is dumb. How did you know when you were "grown-up?" I don't think I ever grew up myself.

Justin: That’s cool. Hmm. I think when I began to trust my own judgement. But I’m not sure if that’s grown-up... I think I’m more childish than I’ve ever been. Maybe that’s what growing up is. Who knows?

Me: Justin, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Tell Adam hi the next time you run into him. Please come back on the Phile again when your next release comes out.

Justin: Thanks for having us, we’d love if you had us back!

Me: Good luck, continued success.

Justin: You too, Phile.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. The Phile will be back tomorrow with hip-hop singer Young Stella. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Phile Alum John Bentley

Hi there, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. Yesterday I don't know if I told you but I felt like shit. Eyes watering, nose running, and coughing like crazy and I ended up going to urgent care with a temperature of 102. But I'm alive, kids, just have a slight cough now. Okay, enough about me, what is going on in the world?  The song of the summer is here, and it's drawing from that bottomless pool of pop music inspiration: the systemic harassment and murder of (mostly) young (mostly) black (mostly) males within an unfair and often racist system of power and authority. Prince premiered his funky new chart-topper "Baltimore" dedicated to the memory of Freddie Gray, a young, black Baltimorean who recently died in police custody at a benefit concert called Rally 4 Peace over the weekend.  Academy Award winning actress Natalie Portman will be starring in the upcoming film On the Basis of Sex, in which she will play a manic pixie dream lawyer named Ruth Bader Ginsburg who overcomes countless obstacles to eventually becomes America's first Jewish female Supreme Court Justice and manages through persistence and whimsy to teach a cranky old judge named Antonin Scalia how to love again. (That last part might not be true.)  Conservative provocateur Glenn Beck announced on his Internet show that the recent riots that occurred in Baltimore were in fact set up by the U.S. government in order to give them an excuse for taking control of all the police agencies around the country. As though that news is not unsettling enough, Beck also revealed that he himself will almost certainly be assassinated by federal agents in the coming months to keep the public from having a strong leader. I'm really sorry to be the one to break all this to you. Looks like we have some tough times ahead. Glenn Beck thinks the Baltimore riots were fake, whereas I think Glenn Beck is a bunch of Teddy Ruxpins sewn into a big white tortilla.  Fox has announced that it is canceling its long running singing competition series "American Idol," roughly nine years after the last time you watched an episode and six years since you've known the name of any winner.  Using a collection of x-ray machines and microscopes powerful enough to measure objects on a scale of nanometers, scientists have finally figure out why chocolate gets chalky white after a while. Apparently, it's caused by fat migrating to the chocolate's surface. No word yet on when we'll have a cure for cancer.  Hey, sport fans, the New England Super Bowl rings just came out.

Haha. That's some funny shit right there.  Do you kids like that Thomas the Tank Engine? Well, something really bad happens to him in the new series.

Hey, I've been there, exit 243 in Pennsylvania.  Disney... the greatest company to work for ever is making some changes with some characters in the new Star Wars movie. Check out what they did with Han Solo.

They are always some diversified that company. They hired me after all.  Today's guest is from England like myself and there's some really weird places in England.

I wanna go there.  You know, the world is getting lazy. We went from full blown biographies to biographies made out of emoji's. Really.

Some of you are probably wondering who Robert Durst is.

Allow me to mangle Tolstoy for a minute, and say that each good comedy is good in its own way, but that all bad comedies are alike. There's variation, of course, but they all limp along on sad, weak legs and confused direction. They're airless. They're joyless. And they move with the same tired rhythms. Their biggest claim to Hollywood magic is that one diabolical trick where they take talented casts and convince you, for 90 interminable minutes, that those are the worst actors in the world. Well, Hot Pursuit, welcome to that garbage heap.  Uptight, by the book cop Cooper (Reese Witherspoon) has to transport wild, strong-willed, witness protection candidate Daniella (Sofia Vergara) from San Antonio to Dallas so that Daniella can testify against a drug lord. Men with guns get in the way of this, a few of them corrupt police officers themselves. In turn, the women must steal vehicles, walk through clouds of cocaine, shriek, fall down, wear animal costumes, get into scrapes while handcuffed to one another, and enact fake lesbian makeout sessions to outsmart and outrun their pursuers.  There's a lot of comic promise here. Witherspoon has demonstrated her ability to take the dangerous route in comedies like Election and the glorious cult film Freeway. And Vergara, the MVP of "Modern Family," has the tightrope ability to indulge in all the stereotypes she willfully embodies while winking at you the entire time.  The women are giving. Their timing is right. Their chemistry is visible. Their physical interaction... especially in a scene where they must drive a bus while handcuffed to each other is on point. They should, by rights, crackle in each other's company.  But it's a collapsing project from the start, thanks to a do-nothing script from "According to Jim" writer David Feeney (co-written with John Quaintance), and it stays down for the entire running time. Anne Fletcher's direction is on the side of making sure her stars bond with the camera and each other, but that bus-driving scene is the funny moment, and no amount of affectionate directorial attention can make up for that.  There is nothing here for these capable actors to do. And it'll be used as evidence against women in comedy, the way films like this always are. Of course, the only point it will prove is that scripts should have nerve and power and a pulse. Vergara, Witherspoon, and the audience, we all deserve more, and better. But what we all get this time around is the kind of film with a blooper reel over the closing credits, that tell-tale, last-ditch effort of a project struggling for life. We watch the actors giggle over their mistakes, and we half-smile, and we wish we had been allowed to laugh even half as much. From 1 to 10 Hot Pursuit gets a 4.

That's an easy one. If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Okay, so, I live here in Florida as you know and lots crazy shit happens in Florida. I mean SURPRISE! George Zimmerman was  involved in another shooting. Here's the pheature I call...

George Zimmerman, who you may remember shot and killed an unarmed teenager in 2013, got to experience what life (but not death) is like on the other side of the gun today. According to reports, Zimmerman received minor injuries to his face following a road rage incident in Lake Mary, Florida that involved some other gun-wielding hot head standing his ground and firing through Zimmerman's passenger side window (the bullet did not strike Zimmerman). This is the fourth run-in with the law (including three domestic violence incidents) for Zimmerman since he was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin, which is probably why Lake Mary's police chief called him a "ticking time bomb." Most time bombs can be defused though.

The truck is listed as being in stable condition.

Today's guest is a Phile Alum who is perhaps best known as the bassist for the band Squeeze. He had a new solo CD out called "...Based On a True Story." Please welcome back to the Phile, the always entertaining... John Bentley!

Me: Hi there, John. Welcome back to the Phile. How have you been?

John: Hi, Jason! I've been okay, thanks.

Me: Okay, before we start to talk about your new solo CD I have to ask you about Squeeze. You are currently working on the new Squeeze album, am I right?

John: Well, I have contributed some bass parts on some of the songs. We'll have to wait till the album comes out to hear exactly which tracks of mine they decide to use. It'll all come out in the mix I suppose.

Me: Will the songs that you mentioned the last time you were here gonna be on the new album?

John: Sorry, I can't remember which songs I mentioned last time, but I can tell you that "From the Cradle to the Grave" will be on there.

Me: So, does the album have a name, John?

John: Yes, it's called "John Bentley is Gay!"   But seriously... not as yet... but I'm sure it will have eventually!!

Me: Squeeze is gonna be going out on a big U.K. tour... do you think you'll be touring over here with Squeeze?

John: I won't be touring with Squeeze as I have decided to knock it on the head, but I've no doubt the they will tour the States again (and again).

Me: Wait. You are leaving Squeeze? What happened? Did you decide to leave or did Glenn and Chris want you to leave?

John: I dunno what happened, man! All I know is that there was a total eclipse on March 20th 2015 and the very next day Squeeze and I went our separate ways!

Me: You've been back with them since '07, right? That must of been a hard decision for you to leave the band... with a new record coming out as well. Was it a hard decision?

John: It wasn't really a hard decision. It was a mutual decision... one that suited everybody... and yes, we were in the middle of recording a new album. I don't know what's happened to my bass lines. It'll be a shame if they get wiped cos they were right on the money, and nobody'll know what they're missing. Looking back... Glenn and Chris gave me some of the greatest experiences of my life... and they shared their brilliant music with me! And I gave them my dedication for over 12 years (on and off) and I guess they appreciate that too.

Me: So, I have to ask, and always wondered, is Glenn in charge or is Chris in charge?

John: I don't think it would be fair of me to divulge too much of what goes on behind the scenes as that would be betraying their trust... but I will say that Glenn generally makes the final decisions and is supported by Chris. Maybe I'll reveal all the gruesome details if I ever get round to writing my memoirs... if anybody's still interested?!

Me: I'd read that in a heartbeat and would pheature the book in the Phile's Book Club. Do you think you'll be back with them ever again?

John: Thats a good question. I haven't closed the door completely... when is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

Me: Haha. You do have a few last gigs with them this summer... will you be sad when you leave the stage with them for the last time or will it be more bittersweet?

John: I don't know how I'll feel exactly. I suppose it will be a bit emotional, but I don't expect to break down in a heap and weep uncontrollably... unless Chris Difford kicks me in the nuts! Ouch! As far as I'm concerned its just another gig... and as long as I do a professional performance I'll be happy.

Me: What and when was the gig like when you left the band the first time back in the day?

John: I didn't actually leave the band the first time. The group split up in 1983 after their last gig in Jamaica. Then a few years later they decided to re-form Squeeze after Chris and Glenn's attempt to set the world alight with their duo Difford and Tilbrook kinda fizzled out. Is that fair to say?

Me: I think so, yes.

John: Anyway... there was a gig somewhere in Catford (was it in 1988 or 87?) and it involved all 5 of the original members of the 1979 band... Lavis, Holland, Difford, Tilbrook and Bentley (that's me!) There were no rehearsals, and I do remember Jools struggling to remember some of the songs, as he occasionally stopped playing and looked over to me and shrugged his shoulders. I had spent some time re-learning all the material and thought I'd played a blinder! But despite that they went ahead and reformed Squeeze without me. I was gutted at the time... but in retrospect it did give me the opportunity to play with some amazing bands and musicians: Akasha (we played at Glastonbury), Big Jim Sullivan & Big Mart Winning (we headlined the Lugano Blues festival in Italy two years in a row), BJ Cole (we supported Tammy Wynette at Wembley Arena and backed Garth Brooks on TV!). Did some bass work with Wiz Jones & John Renbourn too... not bad really was it?! But would I have been better off playing with Squeeze during the late 80s? What do you think?

Me: No, I think you did pretty good. I wonder who is gonna be your replacement. Any ideas?

John: Harry Kakoulli would be the ideal choice wouldn't he? Nobody in the world deserves to play bass with Squeeze more than Harry. Arguably the best bass player they ever had... I mean just listen to "Cool for Cats"! In actual fact my replacement is Lucy Shaw from the Fluffers. Look 'em up on Google... Never mind the bollox... the brand Squeeze marches on... no matter who's on bass.

Me: For the readers that don't know, you were not the original bass player but have played on the three biggest Squeeze albums I think... "Argybargy," "East Side Story" and "Sweets From a Stranger." Out of those three which one is your favorite, John?

John: "Argy Bargy."

Me: You are a bass player we know, but do you play any other instruments?

John: Yes, I am proficient on the drums, keyboards, lead & rhythm guitar. In fact I just produced and recorded 90% of all the instruments on the new Gone Dead Train album.

Me: I am sure you were in bands before Squeeze. How many bands were you in and what was your first band?

John: One hundred and seventy three. My first band was called Flesh And I played rhythm guitar. The bass player was Trevor Boulder who went on to join the Spiders from Mars. Sadly he passed away quite recently.

Me: You played with someone that was supposed to be on the Phile but passed away before he could... Big Jim Sullivan. How was that playing with him and how did you get that gig?

John: I was at Big Jim's funeral. He was arguably the greatest and most successful session guitarists of all time. He played on over a thousand hit records, including over 30 number ones. I learnt a lot from playing with Jim. He taught me how to dynamically construct a solo, and he showed me some very useful techniques on the guitar which enabled me to play faster, and with more notes. l got the gig when my wife Sara got talking to Jim Sullivan's vocalist... a guy called Duncan McKenzie, and she suggested that he met up with me for a jam. We did, and the rest as they say was HisStory.

Me: Did he tell you any good stories?

John: Jim did have quite a few hilarious stories about his experiences on the road with Tom Jones. The funniest ones... or most shocking... are unrepeatable. However... Jim told me about the time he and Tom Jones were in Las Vegas and they ended up in Elvis's hotel suite. Jim was very proud that he had a jam with Elvis that day!! Another story that Jim told me was that quite often when he turned up to play a session in the studio, the artist was not at the session, as they were not needed to actually play on the backing track. So he actually didn't know who's record he had just played on. One example that he gave me was that he recognised a record he'd played on when he heard it on the radio one day. It was by David Bowie!

Me: For those that don't know, tell them who Big Jim was.

John: Please enlarge this font! Big Jim Sullivan was THE top session guitarist in the 60s and 70s, he was often accompanied by and played sessions along with jimmy Page. As before mentioned he played on 1000's of singles with a very diverse bunch of artists such as Dusty Springfield, David Bowie, Tom Jones, Mrs Mills, the Walker Brothers, Marty Wilde, Cliff Richards, Donavan, the Small Faces... the list goes on and on and on and on. Check out Big Jim's discography on line... its un believable!!

Me: Alright, now to talk about your music. "...Based on a True Story" is your third solo album, am I right?

John: You are completely right... as usual you are very well informed!

Me: Are the songs really based on a true story?

John: Yes, the majority of the tracks lyrics are based on life's experience.

Me: So, did you write all the songs yourself, John?

John: Yes, I wrote them all... apart from one track called "The Hangman" which is a collaboration with the aforementioned Duncan McKenzie.

Me: Difford and Tilbrook from Squeeze of course are a fantastic writing team. And I say are up there with those two guys from the Beatles. Haha. Did you learn anything in the years working and knowing those guys about songwriting?

John: Naa! Well, maybe one or two little tips here and there... like how to arrange a song to make it sound more interesting and original... and how to make the lyrics into a story... and how to write a hit song... apart from that nothing really!

Me: I have a music project out called Strawberry Blondes Forever where I wrote the lyrics to all the songs. I found coming up with songs and writing them is harder than I thought. My dad (Lonesome Dave) from Foghat wrote a shit load of songs but I don't know if he found that easy or hard. Anyway, does songwriting come easy for you?

John: So far so good. I occasionally get a writers block but that usually doesn't last long. I also have recorded hundreds of little riffs and chord sequences, so if l am feeling uninspired l can always recall one those ideas.

Me: I love the song and video "It's Giving me the Creeps." What is giving you the creeps, John?

John: You are! You old weirdo! "It's Giving me the Creeps" is about those people who like to watch horror films and get some kind of perverse satisfaction from being scared out of their wits. Personally I think real life is more scary than anything I've ever watched at the movies.

Me: That video looked like it was fun to do. How long did you have to sit under that table with your head through that hole?

John: I'm glad that it looked fun to do. However it was hard work being squashed up under that table for about two hours. I actually built that table myself, so if you know of anybody who needs some carpentry... don't ask me!

Me: Are those friends of yours in the video?

John: They were!

Me: So, who plays on the album with you, John?

John: Well, you know, its always a great honour to play with virtuoso musicians, but unfortunately I couldn't get any to play on the record, so instead I got.. Martin Winning to play saxophone on a couple of tracks, Frankie Dann to play drums on one track, Chaz Mcleod to play drums on one track, Bebe Bentley (my dawta), Lord Craig Dacey, Dr. Stephen Cass, Will Hall and Lucy Osbourne to do some backing vocals. I played on everything else you can hear, and somethings you can't.

Me: So you don't just play bass on it?

John: Apart from the aforementioned musicians... I play all the guitars, all the basses, all the keyboards, all the drums, all the percussion, and all the backing vocal's. Just think of all the money I've saved!

Me: Another song I have to ask you about is "Elvis & Me." Is that Elvis Costello or Presley you are talking about?

John: Costello.

Me: Which Elvis do you like best? I'm guessing Costello as you worked with him.

John: I love them both... but in different ways. E.C. was a friend and a working colleague. E.P. was just my lover!

Me: Anyway, your album is not only being released on CD but on vinyl. Is vinyl making a big comeback in England? It seems to be making a comeback over here in the States. I love my vinyl collection.

John: I love your vinyl collection too! My record "...Based On a True Story" is available exclusively on high quality vinyl. But it can be downloaded from Bandcamp and CD Baby etc, etc. There are no (as far as I am aware) CD's available. If you've seen one it must be a bootleg!

Me: Speaking of, I have a really cool picture disc 45 from "Sweets from a Stranger." It's "Elephant Girl." I believe. Do you have lots of Squeeze memorabilia?

John: I'm afraid so.

Me: You wrote a few songs for band called Gone Dead Train. Did they get the band name from the Randy Newman song?

John: I don't think they did... I'll have to find out...

Me: Are they an English band, John?

John: Well, the singer/writer Tony Smith is English... but the rest of the band are all French. I occasionally play with them myself though. Several of the tracks are being played on radio stations across Europe and in Canada. The band is signed to a label in Nashville called Decibel.

Me: You should see if they'd want to be interviewed for the Phile. How did you end up writing for them?

John: That's quite a long story. I'll try and shorten it. I used to give Tony Smith guitar lessons in the 70s. I had completely forgotten about this until he reminded me when I met him recently at a Squeeze gig in 2009. So we kept in touch. I visited him in France and he visited me here in the U.K. Eventually after some recording and collaborating on tunes he asked me to produce Gone Dead Trains second album, which is called "Where There's Blood." It appears to be doing rather well I'm pleased to say! I'll get Tony to contact you as I am sure that he will give you an interview and he is an ex journo himself so he will be interesting to interview.

Me: Oh, another song I should ask you about is called "Kristine." Who is that, John?

John: Ah now... you've picked the one song that isn't based on a true story. Kristine is a figment of my imagination. No! That's a boring answer. Kristine was a transexual who seduced me in the toilet at CBGB's. That sounds better but happily its pure fiction!

Me: Alright, as you might remember on the Phile I ask random questions thanks to Tabletopics. Ready? Man, this must be a kids version. What would you like to change about your school? Haha. Let's change school to band. So, what would you like you change about your band?

John: Well, if you're talking about Squeeze... if I had any influence over that group I'd probably still be in 'em!! As for what I would have changed... I would have suggested that Chris Difford sang lead vocals on more of their tracks. My band now is called the BoneShakers... and I wouldn't change anything about the group as I love them all as people and as musicians.

Me: John, please come back when the new Squeeze CD comes out. Thanks so much, sir. Take care.

John: Thanks, Jason. I'm always available for weddings birthdays and Bar Mitzvah's. Love ya, Jason. Bye.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to John for a great interview. The Phile will be back next Sunday with Justin Ross from The Bandicoots. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Dom From Dom

Hello, welcome to the Phile. Happy Mother's Day! Happy Mother's Day to the iPad that is raising your children. All moms gave birth to a child. Except my mom, she gave birth to a legend. Haha. Yeah, right. It's not easy being a mother... if it were easy, fathers would do it. Alright, there's other stuff that's going on in the news right now.  U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron and his merry band of Conservatives successfully managed to get their rivals in the Labor Party into checkmate, thus forcing them into the River Thames where they shall remain until a hero rises who can pull the sword Excalibur out from Big Ben. Or, at least, that how I understand British politics to work. At any rate, Cameron was re-elected. And I'm from England.  A woman is suing United Airlines for $5 million after the DirecTV and wifi access for which she paid $8 failed to work during her four hour flight from Puerto Rico to Newark, N.J. The airline company sold her the service, knowing full well that neither works outside the continental United States or over water. In a statement, United Airlines explained that "we clearly inform our passengers in writing on the screen before they confirm their purchase." Apparently, while the DirecTV and wifi are unavailable, the money-taking technology functions just fine. Imagine trying to explain the statement "the wifi in this airplane blows" to someone from the 19th century.  Cleary Wolters... the real-life woman upon whom Laura Prepon's "Orange Is the New Black" character Alex Vause is based is releasing her own memoir in response to the one written by Piper Kerman (upon whom Taylor Schilling's Piper Chapman is based). “I wanted to correct the concept that I was singularly responsible for Piper's downfall,” Wolters explained in an interview with "People." Will this book spawn a cultural phenomenon as big as "Orange Is the New Black"? We'll just have to wait and see.  Lindsay Lohan has, to date, only completed 10 of the 125 hours of community service she was ordered to complete after being convicted of, and given probation for, reckless driving several years ago. But don't worry. Lohan still has until May 28th to complete the remaining 115 hours and avoid spending a year and a half in jail. That's totally doable for somebody with her work ethic. Why can't Lindsay Lohan count her stage performances as community service? I'm sure they weren't that different than her time at the morgue.  The new issue of "Entertainment Weekly" features a cover story on Quentin Tarantino's highly anticipated new western film, The Hateful Eight, along with a bunch of onset pictures of Tarantino and his all-star cast. I have to say, the film looks considerably less cheerful and whimsical than I was expecting.  In the same week we saw "SNL" parody what a female superhero movie made by Hollywood would probably look like, and the same week we read a Marvel executive explain why female superhero entertainment sucks, CBS had the gall to officially greenlight "Supergirl", a TV show that will be great but please no one. Melissa Benoist, an actress from "Glee" (where a group of misfit students find out their shared superpower is harmony), will play the title role of Supergirl. It is a role, much like hosting the Oscars, that is great and terrible for a person's career in entertainment. I can't wait to see Melissa's reaction to the fans at conventions doing a hover-hand over her shoulder while asking why she didn't spend any time in space near the site of what was once the planet Krypton to prepare for the role. Anyway, big congratulations to everyone involved. Can't wait to watch it.  It's Mother's Day as you know, and I saw a very unusual Mother's Day ad that I just thought wasn't right.

You've ruined everything else in her life. Why not make masturbation weird for her too?  A business had this sign put up in front for Mother's Day.

You ever see those flyers on trees and telephone poles for missing dogs, cats, or things that soeone is trying to sell where you rip off the bottom for the phone number? Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, someone posted this and I think they were a little bit confused.

See what I mean? See you see Sony's new ad?

Man, that os one not so timely joke. Haha. I had that saved in my iPhoto file for about a month and forgot about it. Moving on... And now for some sad news...

Jim Wright 
December 22nd, 1922 — May 6th, 2015
Served 34 years in the House and as Speaker for 2 of those. A distinguished service record... assuming you don't count the time he beat an aide with a hammer, stabbed her with a steak knife, slashed her throat, and then put her in his car and went to see a movie. But hey, everyone makes mistakes, right?

This one is kinda hard. If you spot the Mindphuck please let me know. Before we continue, I have to mention something. Seeing this limited edition "Premium" Starbucks gift card almost makes me incredibly angry.

The idea that Starbucks thinks we're so stupid that we would buy $50 worth of Frappuccino at an insane 400% mark-up makes me want to throw my desk out the window... until I remember that we actually are that stupid. The very fact that they're selling this makes me think that they ran the numbers and figured out just how many imbeciles they can trick into handing a metal and ceramic (metal and ceramic?!) gift card to their mothers next month. In a perverse way, Starbucks kind of has to sell a $50 gift certificate for $200. If they know that they can fleece an easy $147 (let's assume the card itself is worth $3 in materials... that's a generous assumption) from their dumber patrons, aren't they kind of obligated to do so? If people want to give you money for no good reason, it would be anti-capitalist to rebuke them. The thing is, we're not used to seeing consumerism in such a pure form. We always buy products for waaaaay more than their actual value. (Go to any nerd convention and watch otherwise intelligent people trading hundreds of dollars for mass-produced pieces of plastic garbage.) Usually, it's just a little covert than this. Anyway, if you want to buy your own beloved mother a Limited-Edition Mother's Day Premium Starbucks Card, act now while supplies last! Okay, so, a friend of the Phile wants to give his thoughts on Mother's Day. He's a singer, patriot and renaissance man. You know what time it is...

If you are fortunate enough to have had a good mother, one who cares, worries, loves... If you are fortunate enough to have had a mother with which you have ANY kind of relationship with and respect for... embrace this and show her love. Whether she is still among us or not. I have no understanding of this feeling of love (given or received) from my mother. She was an absolute horror show of both a mother and a human being. A reprehensible example of all that is wrong with the female of the species. I know nothing of good memories in regards to the time spent with this woman. She was a terrible daughter, wife, mother and grandmother. She had every opportunity to display decent human qualities and failed miserably. I feel nothing for her but sadness and contempt. I owe her nothing more than nine months rent for her womb... and a thank you for not having me aborted as she had planned. Happy Mother's Day to one and all... now, stop getting all misty eyed over this, wipe your tears and fucking call your mother!

Okay, today's pheatured guest is the lead singer for the band with his namesake... Dom. Their EP "Family of Love" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Dom.

Me: Hello, Dom, welcome to the Phile. So, how are you?

Dom: Good, how are you?

Me: Apart from coughing and having a runny nose and watering eyes I am okay. I wasn't sure to call you Dom or Dominic. You don't reveal your last name, right? Any particular reason, my friend?

Dom: Sorting out some debts, makes it a lil harder for collection agencies and people I've screwed in the past to track me down and take the lil money I get for wat I'm doing.

Me: Ummm... okay. So, I billed you as Dom From Dom. I have to say, you guys are gonna be HUGE! How long have you guys been a band, Dom?

Dom: Started the band in January 2010... we're a young band.

Me: Who is in the band with you?

Dom: Cosmo... guitar, Bobby... drums, Erik... bass.

Me: I am guessing as the band name is named after you, you are the founder of the band, am I right?

Dom: Si. I write the songs.

Me: Before you named the band Dom, did you guys or did you have any other names planned?

Dom: Naw, didn't have time. It was the name on the Myspace when the buzzing began.

Me: I downloaded your EP "Sun Bronzed Greek Gods" from iTunes and really liked it. That's your first release, am I right?

Dom: Yes.

Me: And I also downloaded your first EP "Sun Bronzed Greek Gods"... I have to ask you about the EP cover. I have to show it here...

Me: It's a cat, which has nothing to do with a Greek God, bronzed or not bronzed. I am confused. What's the deal?

Dom: That's my kitty, Bochicha. He's a great dude.

Me: That CD was recorded in an unusual area, right, not in a recording studio. Tell the readers where it was recorded. Why was it recorded there?

Dom: It was recorded in Erik's apartment because we couldn't afford a studio.

Me: You guys played SXSW... Did you have a good time playing there, and meet a lot of cool people?

Dom: Yes!!! SX was rad played 11 shows didn't have time to see our favs but got to hang with a lot of really awesome peeps.

Me: You kids have been compared to the band MGMT. Are you fans of theirs, Dom? What kinda music did you grow up listening to, man?

Dom: I think any band with synths gets compared to that band because people don't listen to stuff thats not on MTV. Grew up listening to pop music... Mariah Carey, Madonna, Ace Of Base, country... Willy and Waylon, Alan Jackson, all sorts of stuff.

Me: I noticed you have been releasing some acoustic tracks, Dom. Do you prefer doing the acoustic stuff or plugged in stuff?

Dom: PLUGGED INNNNN.

Me: Your music were originally released on vinyl, which some hip bands have been doing lately. Do you think vinyl is making a comeback? Do you own a record player?

Dom: Yeah, it is cuz they're fun to collect, the artwork is larger, the vinyl itself is usually fun in different colors, etc. Got a 3 sided vinyl out for record store day with a new joint. Something you can't get digitally.

Me: Dom, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Looking forward to your next release, man. Will you come back here when your album comes out?

Dom: Yeah, sure no problem.  

Me: Take care, and go plug your website, man. All the best!

Dom: Facebook.com/DomRLRT?fref=ts, indiemerch.com/dom.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Laird Jim and Dom. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum John Bentley. Spread the word, or not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Have a wonderful Mother's Day... what's left of it.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Seth Simonelli And Zakk Bates From Seth&Zakk

Hey there, and welcome to the Phile. Happy Star Wars Day! May the 4th be with you. I wish I can bullseye someones thermal exhaust port tonight in honor of Star Wars Day. Sadly, that won't be happening. We'll talk more about Star Wars in a minute. There's other stuff going on.  An unmanned Russian spacecraft, en route to the International Space Station, has malfunctioned and gone out of control. It is currently orbiting the Earth, but should be plunging down, right onto your home, within a week. People are freaking bc a Russian spacecraft's falling to Earth. First time we've cared bout something Russian dropping since Tatu's first CD.  Hulu has struck a deal with Sony Pictures TV for exclusive rights to stream the iconic sitcom "Seinfeld" to a population that has seen every one of the 180 episodes at least seven times. The terms of the deal are not clear, but it appears that Hulu is paying somewhere between $700,000 and $1 million per episode. Finally, those "Seinfeld" folks are gonna see a little return on their investment.  Ben Carson... an extremely right-wing conservative neurosurgeon who jokes about poisoning gay people and has never held office in his life has announced his intension to stand in front of a lot of crowds and television cameras and say silly things that will get him on the news a lot in the 18 month run-up to the 2016 presidential election. "I'm not a politician," he said to a bunch of people who suddenly have a reason to listen to what he has to say. "I don't want to be a politician because politicians do what is politically expedient. I want to do what's right."  Executives at Disney and Marvel Studios must feeling pretty bad right about now. Avengers: Age of Ultron only made a lousy $191.3 million this weekend, falling short of the world record (held by the original Avengers film) by $16 million. Oh, well. Looks like this comic book movie fad is already over. It was nice while it lasted.  Motorola is reportedly developing an edible “authentication vitamin” pill that, when swallowed, transmits an 18-bit, EKG-esque signal from your digestive tract. The signal will effectively make your body a living, breathing password for all of your devices. I mean, it would if you were actually going to eat this, which you won't. Still, neat idea. Neat and terrifying idea.  Race car driver Danica Patrick is losing her primary sponsor next year, after the Internet domain registrar and web hosting company GoDaddy announced plans to cut ties with NASCAR. In a tweet, Patrick said, "Everything evolves and changes in life, I'm excited for what's to come!" If she likes, I'd be happy to put her in touch with company that hosts the Phile. If somebody knows her, please tell her to get in touch.  Using an estimated 250,000 small plastic bricks and 2 full Earth days, the father and son "Master Lego Builder" duo Dan and Chris Steininger built the biggest Millenium Falcon out of Legos. They are two of the seven Master Lego Builders, and were flown from the United States to Melbourne, Australia to complete the task in front of fans. A Jedi could feel a great disturbance in the force, as if thousands of tiny blocks were just used for the geekiest thing. It's a good thing they didn't build the world's largest Death Star or some nerdy bullies might have come by and blown it up as a joke. Here's what it looks like.

In honor of May the 4th, Lucasfilm and Vanity Fair have released a bunch of official photos, taken by Annie Lebowitz, from the set of the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Awakens, including this of "Game of Thrones" actress Gwendoline Christie in costume as some kind of a bowling trophy or something.

One new picture I don't like is what they did to C-3PO. Take a look...

What did they do to him?!  So, I saw the trailer again when I saw that Avengers movie and I noticed something that I don't think many of you noticed. Here's the screen shot...

See it?  Speaking of seeing it, did you see the cover of June's Vanity Fair magazine? Here it is without the print.

And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Explanations To Vanity Fair's New Star Wars Cover
5. The historic first appearance or a "penis hat" on Vanity Fair's cover.
4. BB-8, gazing lovingly at a blender on the craft-service table.
3. John Boyega, in his first non-sweaty, out of breath Star Wars appearance.
2. Just moments after the picture was taken, Chewbacca keeled over from his own dutch-oven fumes.
And the number one explanation to Vanity Fair's Star Wars cover...
1. At the last second, J.J. Abrams' hand was used to prop up Harrison Ford's head.

Star Wars 

You know, Star Wars. Have you not seen Star Wars?

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, being it's Star Wars day I thought I would invite a friend back to the Phile that I know you all love. He's a bounty hunter by day, stand up comedian by night. Please welcome back to the Phile, straight from the Outer Rim...

Tractor: Did you hear about the fast food chain started by Ewoks?

Me: Ummm...no, I didn't.

Tractor: There were branches all over Endor.

Me: Haha. I get it. Endor is full of trees. 

Tractor: What was General Grievous' favorite band?

Me: I have no idea.

Tractor: Weezer.

Me: That was really stupid and I don't think anybody is laughing at that joke, Tractor. Do you have another?

Tractor: Why did C-3PO lose his tennis match?

Me: No idea.

Tractor: He was sure it must be R2-D2's fault.

Me: Tractor, that joke didn't make sense at all. Do you have a limerick? You always leave us with a limerick?

Tractor: No, I don't.

Me: Alright then. Tractor Beam, everybody!

Tractor: Don't eat the bantha. 

Alright, today's guests are two musicians who make up the duo Seth&Zakk whose album "Snakk Pakk" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Seth Simonelli and Zakk Bates.

Me: Hey, guys, welcome to the Phile. How are you? 

Seth: Never better! How are YOU, sir? 

Me: Don't ask. It's been a shitty week. Okay, first things first, guys... is your name supposed to be Seth& Zakk, like in one big word, or Seth & Zakk? 

Zakk: Door #1. One big word. We like to represent ourselves as an entity, rather than two separate people. 

Me: I have to say, I downloaded your album "Snakk Pakk" from iTunes and really liked it. Well done. Is this your first album, guys? 

Seth: Thank you! We've enjoyed it just as much! And thank you again. 

Zakk: Yes, this is our first album which, technically, is considered our first EP. Not quite the bees knees enough to be a full-length album, but time will change that! 

Me: Zakk, the name of the album rhymes with your name, so will the next album rhyme with Seth's name? 

Zakk: Hm, never thought about it that way. I mean I guess we really had no other choice, unless we wanted our first EP to read "Sneth Peth." Unless we're darn clever, we're not too sure the next album(s) will rhyme with anything, ha! 

Me: Like I said, I really like the album. Do you both take turns in songwriting? 

Seth: The writing process, thus far, has been very formulated. It goes as such: Seth: writer, Zakk: producer. 

Zakk: Seth bakes a tasty batter...

Seth: Zakk decorates the cake. This is better exampled through our new and upcoming songs such as "Rush of Love"... which you can download off of our Facebook page for free! Just saying.

Me: Did you guys ever argue about whose name goes first? 

Zakk: It kind of just fell into place that way. Seemed to fit right. There wasn't much thought at all put into it. Go with the flow, man. 

Me: How did you two meet? Were you both in other bands at the time? 

Seth: We met in a former band that we were BOTH in which was NOT acoustic. At all. Not even close... Can you say "mosh pit"? 

Me: You're based in Cape Cod, is that right? I went there a years, and ate in a really nice Italian restaurant called Camilla's or Camille's. Do you know what restaurant I am talking about? 

Seth: Hm, not sure we do. Although one of Zakk's favorite restaurants is The Lobster Pot! He's actually quite obsessed with the little crimson crawlers. 

Zakk: Seth, on the other hand, wouldn't necessarily be happy to dine at The Lobster Pot, being a vegetarian and all. Yeah, Seth's more into Subway's swing of things. Eat fresh! 

Me: I love those Cape Cod chips, have you ever eaten them? 

Seth: YES. The sea salt and unsalted ones are our favorite! They always seem to shine brighter than all other brand-name chips... hmm... wonder why that is... maybe cause... they're REAL? 

Me: Do you both still live there? I bet you go to Boston quite often, right? 

Zakk: Yes. Seth resides in Falmouth...

Seth: While Zakk kicks it in Buzzards Bay. We're two masses of land separate. The only thing connecting us is our undying friendship and the Bourne Bridge... 

Zakk: Which may or may not have been why Seth tattooed the bridge on himself. 

Me: You kids have been compared to Dashboard Confessional... are you fans of said band? Do you two have the same tastes in music? 

Zakk: Not only fans, followers! Dashboard is a MAJOR influence in Seth's life, thus, the band's. He's grown up with it. And yes AND no for part B. For the most part, we've found our own musical tide pools to soak in, although certain genres do attract both our interest. We consider this difference to be a very positive thing for the band. It certainly helps create a unique sound! 

Me: I watched your video for "Backroads and Sunsets" and it looks like you guys had a great time. Did you enjoy making the video? 

Seth: The best time of our lives would be an understatement. Road trip to scenic Maine, Massachusetts, up in the beautiful mountain ranges. A camera crew composed of some of our best friends. What more could someone ask for? 

Me: A lot of your songs are about girls, guys, so, I have to ask you, who gets the most groupies? 

Seth: Seth& Zakk isn't really a "groupie" type of band, anti-climactic, I know, but we've gone to so much more intimate (non-sexually) lengths to get to personally know each and every one of our friends. (aka: "Fans".) The term groupie doesn't apply to us. Heck, the term FAN doesn't apply to us. We have friends... and that's far more beautiful than any fan can be. 

Me: Thanks so much for being here on the Phile, and I wish you continued success. Go ahead and plug your website, guys, and when your next album comes out that rhymes with Seth, come back onto the Phile. All the best, and continued success. 

Seth: Thank you so much! We've enjoyed our stay more than you could ever know! 

Zakk: Maybe we'll make an album specifically for the Phile, with all it's whimsicality in tact... and yes... rhyming with Seth's name. 

Me: That would be fucking cool. 

Seth: Thanks again! 

There. That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Seth and Zakk for a great interview. Okay, the Phile will be back next Sunday with Dom from the band Dom. I think that's right. Anyway, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker