Pheaturing Nancy Cartwright From "The Simpsons"

Hiya, kids! Welcome to the Phile for a Wednesday. How are you? Well, we still have six more months of 2020. Oh, well, guess I'll die. An Indian man shoved a phone charger up his pee hole. All the way up. There’s really no other way to start this story. He did that. That happened. Then, he went to the hospital complaining of abdominal pain and for some reason told doctors that he had swallowed some headphones. The doctors attempted to treat the man’s unique but not real problem by giving him some laxatives. After a few days of water-falling out all his meals, however, the phone charger remained painfully lodged in his bladder. The doctors then made the decision to x-ray. That’s when they found the headphones and decided to perform surgery. When all was said and done they had pulled out a two-foot-long phone charger. Dr. Walliul Islam said he’d heard of people inserting things into their penises for sexual pleasure... called "sounding" or a "catheter fetish’"... and believed that was the case here. Not to kink shame here but Jesus Christ. There’s got to be a limit to this, right? Like, you can enjoy inserting things into your anus, for example, but still understand that you shouldn’t be trying to fit a fire hydrant inside of you, right? The human body can (and should) only take so much. The phone charger was two feet long. The man could’ve gotten an infection and died. I can’t imagine there’s an orgasm worth dying over. And you know what? If there is, I don’t want to know about it. Chasing that dragon sounds dangerous. How’d he get it all the way in? He didn’t squeak it just inside the tip of his penis. He got it up all the way up. I imagine most of the time that happens it’s because a CIA officer really needs to know what time "the attack" is planned for.
Oh my gosh, this poor pup was probably having the psychedelic trip of his life and didn’t even know why.

A concerned owner is warning all other pet owners after her own pup accidentally consumed poop that contained "magic mushrooms" while they were out on their daily walk. According to Kasey Lee, her pug, Riley, was enjoying some fresh air in Paradise Point in Australia, when the animal suddenly fell ill with severe stomach problems. Lee believes Riley had indeed consumed human poo that contained the special mushrooms, which is a type of white mushroom that can cause hallucinogenics. She then explained that the pug was so sick that he had to spend a night at the emergency vet. Riley began to throw up and poop all around their home, as they desperately tried to clean it up to not make a mess around their home. Veterinarians later revealed the dog was showing symptoms of marijuana, but Riley’s urine test was negative for pot. That’s when doctors stated they were “almost certainly magic mushrooms.” The enraged dog-owner shared her experience through the Paradise Point Beach Facebook Group to help raise awareness for other dog owners, where she gave an update about Riley. She stated, “She was very unwell with terrible gastro. The magic mushrooms are a toxin that meant she couldn’t stand up straight and was constantly wobbling and shaking. She has been treated overnight to bind the toxin and get it out of her system.” So, yeah, of course, this is sad, this poor four-year-old dog probably didn’t know what was going on and thought it was going to die. But honestly, who in their right mind does this? So gross, so unnecessary. The fact that there are people in Australia just nochelountly consuming special psilocybin mushrooms, and then just leaving their human feces in the middle of the street as if nothing is insane. Disgusting behavior for sure. Thankfully, little Riley is now doing much better and is back to normal. But still, this could have been avoided if people just kept their poops in their pants. According to FRANK, an anti-drug advisory service, the main risk of magic mushrooms to humans is eating a poisonous one by mistake which can kill you, make you feel dizzy or sick. One can also experience side effects such as diarrhea or stomach pains. Magic Mushrooms can also exacerbate mental issues, eating them can cause you to experience flashbacks or have a “bad trip.” Which I mean, we all know this. They are MAGIC mushrooms for crying out loud. But hey, if you’re going to do mushrooms (which I am not condoning, of course) make sure you don’t poop on the street. That’s what toilets are for. You animals.
Everyone thinks their moms are embarrassing when they’re 14-years-old, but the children of 45-year-old New Jersey substitute teacher Elyse Castillo probably wish the most insufferable thing their mom did was show their friends pictures of them when they were taking a bath as babies or something. That instead of, you know, doing their friends. To be fair the 14-year-old boy Castillo was having a sexual relationship with for roughly a year wasn’t actually one of her kids’ friends (that was just for the joke). He was, however, their age. Castillo’s kids are 13 and 14. Oh and they probably met him since Castillo performed multiple sex acts on him at her home in Jersey City. The entire gross situation was finally brought to light and stopped after Castillo’s kids had a furious confrontation with her about her appalling relationship. Things got so out of hand that Castillo, who was really going all-in on molesting a 14-year-old at this point, beat her kids and their father had to call child protective services. It was after that incident that police became involved and investigated Castillo’s relationship with the student. Along with the normal charges one commits statutory rape, Castillo was also charged with having sex with someone without informing them that she has a venereal disease. Castillo has herpes. There’s a decent chance she gave it to the 14-year-old boy she tricked into having sex with her for 15 months. So now this kid’s mom has to pick up Valtrex with his Accutane whenever she goes to the pharmacy. That’s fun. Castillo is not allowed to have contact with any minors aside from her own children for the time being but if she were my mom she wouldn’t have to worry about hearing from me either. At least these kids have a get out of jail free card forever? Caught with a Juul? Beer? Sneaking out? Having a boyfriend/girlfriend over? Watching porn? YOU HAD SEX WITH A 14-YEAR-OLD MOM STFU FOR.EV.ER.
An Air Force sergeant and leader in an elite military security force was armed with homemade bombs, an AR-15 rifle and other weapons and had a desire to harm police when he launched a deadly attack on unsuspecting officers, a Northern California sheriff said Monday. Gunfire and explosives rained down from a hillside Saturday afternoon as Staff Sgt. Steven Carrillo fired from the high ground onto police who scrambled to find cover and defend themselves, Santa Cruz County Sheriff Jim Hart said. “He was very intent on killing these police officers,” Hart said at a news conference. “They had no idea that they were about to get into this firefight.” One of Hart’s deputies, Sgt. Damon Gutzwiller, 38, was shot and killed. Another deputy was shot in the chest... his bulletproof vest saving him... and suffered shrapnel wounds from an explosive and then was struck by Carrillo’s vehicle as the suspect fled the home. The deputy, whose name has not been released, was in stable condition and good spirits, Hart said. A California Highway Patrol officer was wounded in the hand. Carrillo escaped, carjacked a vehicle and tried to carjack several others before being subdued through the herculean efforts of a heroic resident, Hart said. The man saw Carrillo in his backyard and confronted him. Carrillo, armed with the AR-15, demanded the man’s car keys. The man retrieved the keys, gave them to Carrillo and when Carrillo turned away the man tackled him and the rifle fell away from him. As they struggled, Carrillo pulled a pipe bomb from his pants and tried unsuccessfully to light it. He then pulled out a pistol and the man was able to knock it out of his hands and then subdue him as neighbors came to help, Hart said. “This guy could have done a lot more damage in our community,” Hart said. The man who subdued Carrillo does not want to be publicly identified, Hart said, but he plans to award him a medal. Carrillo suffered a gunshot wound at some point and was being treated for a non-life-threatening injury. The FBI also is investigating if Carrillo, 32, has any links to the killing of a federal security officer who was shot outside the U.S. courthouse in Oakland during a protest against police mistreatment of black people on May 29th. Authorities said the gunman opened fire from a white van. On Saturday, deputies responded to a 911 call about a suspicious white van in Ben Lomond, an unincorporated area outside the beachfront city of Santa Cruz south of San Francisco. The caller said guns and bomb-making devices were inside, Hart said. When deputies arrived, the van pulled away and they followed. The van went down a driveway at Carrillo’s home, and the driver ambushed the deputies, authorities said. Afterward, authorities found pipe bombs, multiple firearms, a large amount of ammunition and bomb-making equipment at the hillside, said Hart, who called Carrillo by name at the start of the news conference and then said “I don’t even want to say his name again.” Neither Hart nor John Bennett, the FBI’s special agent in charge in San Francisco, would provide additional information about the possible nexus between Carrillo and the Oakland shooting. Carrillo was a team leader for the Phoenix Ravens at Travis Air Force Base northeast of San Francisco, as part of the 60th Security Forces Squadron. The Phoenix Ravens are tasked with protecting aircraft and crews from assaults on airfields “where security is unknown or additional security is needed to counter local threats,” according to the Air Force. Carrillo had no record of disciplinary issues during his military career. He was deployed to Kuwait for four months in 2019, according to the Air Force. Carrillo’s wife, Monika Leigh Scott Carrillo, who also was in the Air Force, was found dead in an off-base hotel in May 2018 while she was stationed in South Carolina. She was 30. Her death was ruled a suicide, according to the Air Force. Carrillo arrived at Travis Air Force Base the month after her death, the military said. Bennett said it’s believed Carrillo was in California at the time of the suicide and he’s not a suspect. Carrillo’s arraignment is scheduled for Friday afternoon. He is expected to be charged with first-degree murder. “It’s very important for Damon’s memory that we get this case right,” Hart said. A fundraising site for the Gutzwiller’s family set up by the state’s largest law enforcement organization, the Peace Officers Research Association of California, had raised more than $230,000 by Monday afternoon. Gutzwiller is survived by a pregnant wife and one child.
Idaho investigators have stated they discovered human remains at the home of Chad Daybell, who is the husband of Lori Vallows, dubbed as “cult mom.” Authorities took Daybell into custody and is now being investigated. Rexburg Assistant Chief Gary Hagen announced the discovery of the unidentified human remains after Rexburg Police officers, Fremont County Sheriff deputies, and the FBI all arrived with the warrant and a backhoe at the home. He was seen being taken into custody by authorities after being pulled over in an SUV near his home in Salem, Idaho. The vehicle was towed to a storage facility in Rexburg. Police have not released any information about his arrest. Vallow and Daybell became husband and wife in November 2019 after his previous wife died under “suspicious circumstances.” A month earlier, Vallows two children had disappeared and were reported missing by their grandparents. The disappearance of 17-year-old Tylee Ryan and 7-year-old Joshua “JJ” Vallows has generated international headlines. In February, Vallow was arrested on child abandonment charges in Hawaii and remains locked up in Idaho on $1 million bail. Her family has accused her several times of being part of a cult with Daybell, who is the author of more than a dozen self-published doomsday novels.
Man, some celebrities are tone-deaf when it comes to posting during the George Floyd protests. Lana Del Rey was criticized for sharing photos of looters' faces.

They finally made a mannequin of my body, kids!

Circa 2008 maybe. Haha. Like I said yesterday, large crowds all over the world have gathered to protest police brutality and stand with Black Lives Matter. People are standing up for the safety and dignity of black people whether or not its popular in their town. Anti-racist demonstrators are hosting their own protests in small towns and cities. While they may be the only people standing, they're not standing alone. Like this guy in Jackson, Wisconsin...

Trump went back over to St. John's again, wonder what he's holding up now...

Art of the deal my ass. Haha. So, ver noticed on "The Simpsons" characters look odd when they are facing forward? I'll show you what I mean...

See? So, the idea I saw this pic...

It looked familiar and then it hit me...

So, Father's Day is not far off and if you're looking for a card to get your dad, how about this one?

Haha. Luckily I had a boy. I have to show this, my dad, like me, was a big fan of "The Simpsons" in the 90s and Foghat had this backstage pass made...

Cool, right? SO, yesterday in the Top Phive list I said, "I was today years old when I discovered the green and brown M&Ms are lesbians." Some of you said that wasn't true. Well, guess what, children? It is.

See? Ha! In your face! Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is today's...

Top Phive "Adult Problems" No One Warned You About
5. Dealing with your parents acting like children.
4. Not being able to sleep due to stress.
3. You have to buy insurance but can never use the insurance or else no one will sell you insurance.
2. Back hurting just from sleeping wrong.
And the number one "adult problem" no one warned you about is...
1. People rely on you. Both your parents and your kids. You become the filling in a responsibility sandwich and the weight of it is crushing at times.

If you spot the Mindohuck, and you should, let me know. Okay, here's a story from...

As far as court rulings go, this one is extremely French. Makes sense. It happened in France. A Paris court ruled that the death of an engineer who died of a heart attack in the midst of having sex with a stranger while traveling for his company was, in fact, an “industrial accident” and that his company is liable. This sounds like the kind of precedent that will eventually lead to French offices being forced to allow employees to take sex breaks and set up a third bathroom for masturbation. Lunch breaks in France will one day take up five of the eight hours in the workday. One hour for wine and light foreplay, one hour for lunch, one hour for sex with your wife, one hour for sex with your mistress, and, finally, one hour for a nap. Somebody is going to make a billion dollars in France just by working six uninterrupted hours a day, five days a week, for, like, a year. We’re going to see a headline that reads, “Man Becomes King Of France By Only Fucking At Night.” For their part, the man’s firm, a railway services company called TSO, tried to argue that their employee was not carrying out business duties at the time of his glorious death and, thus, they weren’t liable. The French court, however, said that any accident that occurs on a business trip is the responsibility of the company. And by the way, my outrageous scenario above isn’t just some, “LOL France is so French” made-up scenario. That’s basically what the ruling said. They ruled that sex was a normal activity to be expected while on business, like a shower or a meal. So, maybe France is pretty rad after all...

Bart Simpson
Bart Simpson is an animated television character who, like his biggest fans, has been a 10-year-old boy for over three decades.

This person who thinks having to cancel a Euro-vacation equates to being a victim of the Holocaust.

Okay, let's take a look and see what's going on in Port Jeff, shall we?

Nothing much. I used to live there, up in the hill on the right, that's Belle Terre. Well, now I live in Florida, and here's a story from Florida. Man, what a lousy segue...

A 70-year-old Florida woman and a 60-year-old Florida man were arrested in downtown Clearwater, Florida for getting real gross with each other right on the sidewalk and in clear view of a 12-year-old child. The child reported seeing septuagenarian Susan Roscillo on her back with her legs in the air and no pants on, masturbating Robert Kellogg’s exposed penis in public, in broad daylight on Thanksgiving Day. Kellogg later admitted to police that Roscillo had his penis in her hands multiple times and that the couple did have sex. Meanwhile, Roscillo, who has a long record that most recently includes being arrested for an open container violation while wandering the streets drinking a Bud Light Cran-Brrr-Rita, refused to cooperate with police and screamed for a lawyer. No word if she received Florida’s unluckiest public defender. You have to feel for that kid and their parents here. Even on Thanksgiving, you don’t get a break in Florida. At least a python didn’t burst off their toilet and drag him back down into the sewer, but that line of thinking is a bit too half glass full for this situation. Your kid had to watch to very old, very gross adults have some nasty sex on a sidewalk. If they’re lucky the kid has a dark sense of humor and thought the whole thing was hilarious. If they’re not, well, there’s a lot of therapy incoming. You’d think in Clearwater a Scientologist van would have scooped this couple up and either brainwashed them or made them into whatever their version of Soylent Green is. Alas. Both Kellogg and Roscillo were arrested on felony charges of lewd and lascivious exhibition and were held in the Pinellas County lockup.

The 128th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Isla will be on the Phile sometime next week. I'm still waiting on a work schedule if I have to go back to work next week. It's all up in the air, kids.

Phact 1. The phrase “pound for pound” was invented for Sugar Ray Robinson to start comparing boxers irrespective of their weight class.

Phact 2. In the 70s, an orchestra was formed in England where players had to either be non-musicians or play an unfamiliar instrument.

Phact 3. Apart from Android 1.0 and 1.1, all other Android versions have been named after sweet treats or desserts.

Phact 4. The Texas Supreme Court once upheld that a lawyer sleeping through his client’s Death Penalty case counts as proper representation.

Phact 5. The guillotine remained the official method of execution in France until the death penalty was abolished in 1981. The final three guillotinings in France were all child-murderers.

Today's guest is an American actress and voice actress, known for her long-running role as Bart Simpson on the animated television series "The Simpsons." Please welcome to the Phile... Nancy Cartwright!

Me: Hello, Nancy, welcome to the Phile. I'm a pretty big Simpsons fan so I am so excited you are here. How are you?

Nancy: Hello, Jason. I'm very well, thank you. Yourself?

Me: I am good. I had Yeardley Smith on the Phile recently and Mike Reiss. It's crazy, Yeardley hooked me up with the Mike Reiss who hooked me up with you. So it's your turn to hook me up with somebody related to "The Simpsons." Haha.

Nancy: So, did you grow up with "The Simpsons"?

Me: Yeah! I remember them being on the Tracey Ullman show and then I started watching "The Simpsons" when it was first aired. I have been a Simpsons fan for sooo long.

Nancy: Can I ask how old you are? Do you mind?

Me: Ha. I'm 51-years-old, Nancy, but going on 12. Hahaha.

Nancy: Oh, you're older than I thought. That's awesome. It's so cool you're a fan and get this to do this with me. This is awesome.

Me: Yeah. So, I never knew you were in Twilight Zone: The Movie. What was that experience like?

Nancy: That was awesome. I remember vividly going in, it was over at Warner Bros. and I was auditioning for the part. I met with the director... I can't remember his name. The guy who directed my episode. It will occur to me. He directed The Goonies movie, he directed the Looney Tunes movie. Oh, crap. Anyway I go in to meet him and he sees Dawes Butler's name at the top of my résumé. I couldn't believe it so he asked me if I was working with Dawes Butler currently and I said, "Yes, he's my mentor." It was kind of amazing. He said, "Just read this and if you can read this then you could have the job." He just wanted to make sure I could read. I read it and that was it. He did The Goonies, and I forget which other movie he did.

Me: Richard Donner, Nancy. That's the directors name. So, Dawes Butler's name was the reason you got the job?

Nancy: Yeah, he saw Dawes Butler's name and he was a big fan of animation. I told him that was my background and that I came out from Ohio and I started working with him. He said, "Wow, you got eaten up by a cartoon character." So there was not really an audition. It was Joe Dante, not Richard Donner.

Me: Ahhh... he directed Gremlins, not The Goonies.

Nancy: Oh, okay. Anyway, he was such a fan of animation he felt like he was in the presence of I don't know what, because I was connected to Dawes. I got cast in it and that was the first feature film I've ever did. I was brand new in the business. William Schallert, I knew him from "The Patty Duke Show." And Billy Mumy, he was an adult at the time but I knew him from "Lost in Space." He was the little kid in "Lost in Space." Angela Cartwright was in "Lost in Space" although we're not related. I just knew him and he was such a great kid actor. So they put him in it to. I didn't know Patricia Barry or Kevin McCarthy. Actually I recognized Kevin McCarthy from other Twilight Zones, from the originals. It was so cool that Joe brought him in to this. That was absolutely amazing. It was kind of surreal and made me feel that I was a part of the cartoon segment.

Me: I didn't know there was a cartoon segment in the movie. I never saw the movie. What was it like doing the segment and can you explain it?

Nancy: Yeah, when I did that segment chased by a cartoon wolf they had me up on a treadmill and about four people standing there spotting me. I was a gymnast and knew all about spotting but in case I would to fall off or have an accident or something. I was just running in place on this treadmill and screaming. It was cool, I had blast and I was really just getting my feet wet. I was from Ohio, I did theater, I never did any work in front of a camera. It was a playground for me.

Me: Weren't you in Who Framed Roger Rabbit as the dipped shoe? Is that right?

Nancy: Yeah, that was so crazy. I worked with a little group. It was an awesome way to get paid as a voice-over actor. I went from doing normal Saturday morning cartoons, typical syndicated fair, and I was doing training for live acting and also animation. It was fantastic because it kept me on my toes with improv, being able to think on my feet. Yes, I was signed be the little shoe that got dipped in acid. That was my first death scene. LOL.

Me: Ha. Before we talk about "The Simpsons" I have to talk about Mindy from "Animaniacs." I loved that character. Did you like playing Mindy?

Nancy: Oh, God, yes. She was co cute. I was so fortunate to get cast in that because of course the cast, I go so far back. Of course with Robbie Paulson and Tress MacNeille and Jim Cummings and the whole group of guys, it was such an honor. I was only in about one-fifth of what they did. Mindy was about in a fifth of them. I could say I actually contributed to it but those guys must of had so much fun. Every time I went there because "The Simpsons" was definitely in production it was such thrill for both sides I think. I think it was great I could be there and they loved having me so the feeling was mutual. It was a really fun group and Andrea Romano who directed it was one of the top, and still is. She made us feel great and moved the thing along so quickly. We could still have fun and get the job done officially.

Me: Okay, let's talk about "The Simpsons." Can you believe it's so huge still? I'm watching the show on Disney+ even though I have them on DVD.

Nancy: Yeah, from what I heard the rating are up 12 and half percent. When you think about it we established ourselves so well now the parents that grew up with it now have kids and are now being introduced to it.

Me: So, what made you want to go in an audition for Bart?

Nancy: I didn't know anything about Bart and was told to go read for the 8-year-old middle child. There was a picture of Lisa and a monologue and all it said was she was an 8-year-old middle child, but next to her was Bart. I mean come on, next to the 8-year-old middle child or an under achiever and proud of it, who would you rather play? Here's the thing, I'm going to call it my "voice print." It's like a thumb printer or finger print, it's like a unique to myself. People can try to do facsimile's of it but what it actually is my voice has fallen into a range that over the years I have created a niche for myself in doing sounds that's closely associated with a boy, or a young man than a girl. I can count on one hand how many females I have done, characters I have created in my arsenal of characters I do. Mostly I have created an abundance of male characters. Doing six of them on "The Simpsons" and Chucky on "Rugrats," Popeye and son, "Galaxy High," boy can go through my whole résumé and see mostly I do boys. I never thought anything about it because they were readers before me... Lucille Bliss led the way with Ricochet Rabbit and of course June Foray who was Rocky J. Squirrel. So I didn't have any considerations and thank goodness I didn't. 

Me: Were you a tomboy growing up?

Nancy: No, not really. I don't think anybody considered me a tomboy but I did have a short haircut for a long time. That's only because I had three sisters and I just think that was enough, it was easier to maintain a short haircut. So when I got older I said that's it, I wanted to please myself. I was athletic, I was very active outside and played all different games in the neighborhood. We had about 65 kids in our neighborhood which was fantastic. But of course its nothing like in Los Angeles in 2020, but this was in the early 60s. We played on our bikes and played house and I had a field in my backyard and we created football and baseball diamonds. We made houses out of the mowed grass and we would make borders at the house and we would play house with our dolls. It was good fun, it was a great neighborhood to grow up in.

Me: What were you gonna play Lisa like, Nancy? Do you remember?

Nancy: No, to be honest with you I don't really think about it until I get there. I look at it, and I want to see the monologue then I get inspired. But I didn't give myself a chance to get inspired because right there was Bart. I'll tell you, Jason, if I had done anything honest to God I don't think I would have gotten it.

Me: Why is that?

Nancy: My certainty on it, I was 100% certain that was not going to lead me anywhere. I said to Matt Groening, "I know you want me to do, I came in here to read for Lisa but I want to do Bart. Is that all right?" He was like, "Yeah, it's totally fine." I said, "Great." I did Bart's voice and he said, "That's it. That's him, you got the part." He hired me right on the spot.

Me: Bart has a lot of catchphrases, do you have a favorite?

Nancy: I don't think there's been another character who has had as many catchphrases. Am I right on that? Don't have a cow, eat my shorts, I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?, Guity as charged. I don't think that's really a catchphrase. Here's my favorite swear word as Bart Simpson, are you ready? Bossum. I think it's funny.

Me: What's the coolest thing about being on the show?

Nancy: The writers having these people that they admire we get to meet all of them. I lost count after 400. When I go to a red carpet thing and introduce myself to someone and say hi I say, "You've probably been on my show. I'm Nancy Cartwright." They go, "Oh my God! I'm such a fan!" What a cool thing to have. An anonymous kind piece of ice breaker. It's a perfect conversation, when they're standing there and this other person is invading their private space or whatever I can say, "I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?"

Me: Do you like to do that in public, do Bart's voice?

Nancy: I do it when I'm in a spunky kind of a mood I get to kid around a little bit. I get a joy doing it. I have to use a little discretion though because I just can't go up to the host of a restaurant and say, "I know there's about 300 people in front of me but is there anyway you can squeeze me in? I'm Bart Simpson." Most of the time they look at me like yeah, so what? I don't abuse it, it's kind of weird. I just kind of mind my own beeswax but if someone recognizes me and they want to do me a favor, it depends how it's said to me and if other people overhear it because honest to God, I feel funny cutting in front of people.

Me: Nancy, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back and it's your turn to try and get another member of the Simpsons crew on the Phile. Haha.

Nancy: Thanks, Jason, you're super nice. Nice Foghat backstage pass as well.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Nancy Cartwright for a great interview. I will have her back here again. Okay, so, not knowing my work schedule the Phile will be back on Monday... I hope, with actress Linda Cardellini from "Dead to Me." Spread the word, not the turd... or the virus, or hatred. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Mask it or casket. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Pheaturing Kerry Washington

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? Should we maybe try putting 2020 in rice? If 2020 was a drink, what would it be? A colonoscopy prep.
Former Richardson, Texas mayor Laura Jordan (also known as Laura Maczka, more on that in a bit) is potentially facing another trial for multiple counts of honest services wire fraud, conspiracy, and bribery concerning a local government receiving federal funds after her initial conviction for those charges was overturned due to circumstances as bizarre as the case itself. Jordan a.k.a. Maczka, was the mayor of Richardson, a North Texas suburb between Dallas and McKinney, from 2013 to 2015. Then known only as Jordan Maczka, she ran for mayor partly on the platform that she would oppose a multi-purpose urban development known as the Palisades Project, which was being helmed by real-estate developer Mark Jordan. (Jordan.) So long story short Mark Jordan was allegedly willing to do a whole lot to get his project done, including bribing the mayor with vacations, cash, free home renovations, a six-figure job after she left office, and some good, federally criminal lovin’. Maczka was married when all of this was low stakes bribery was going down, including her affair with Jordan. That marriage ended in divorce in 2015. In 2017, the now-former Richardson mayor married Mark Jordan, hence her name change from Laura Maczka to Laura Jordan. The Feds, however, don’t believe her name change, or her new marriage is legit. They think she and Mark Jordan married as a ruse to help make their boning bribes, along with everything else, look more legitimate. The Jordans were convicted for their crimes but later acquitted because a juror in the trial admitted that they were influenced to vote guilty after speaking about the trial to a courtroom bailiff. Prior to that conversation they had been on the fence, and leaning toward acquit. The Feds haven’t said yet if they will try the case again, but it is likely considering the seriousness of the charges and the fact that it was through no fault of their own that the first case was overturned. That poor first husband of Laura Jordan. Just sitting around the house, confused and asking, “Wait, honey, how are we paying for these renovations?” “Definitely not with the sanctity of our marriage, sweetie!” Imagine going to jail over something as low-stakes as a North Texas apartment complex.
A Maryland boy called 911 to report that he, along with six other children, had been left in a hot car with the windows rolled up and the motor not running. According to the Charles County Sheriff’s Office, seven children were found, ranging from ages 2 to 4-years-old. The 4-year-old reportedly told authorities that the children were hot and didn’t know exactly where they were. The 911 dispatcher was able to trace the call to a shopping center parking lot in Waldorf, which is 25 miles south of Washington D.C. When authorities arrived, officers said the children were scared and sweating, as temperatures in the area reached up to 80 that day. The driver allegedly arrived back to her car 10 minutes after deputies arrived, having already been gone for roughly 20 minutes. The driver, a 37-year-old mother of two, was babysitting the five other children inside the car. She was charged with confinement of children inside a motor vehicle and might face other additional charges after authorities complete the investigation. It is against the law to leave a child under the age of 8 unattended inside a vehicle if the caregiver is out of sight of the child, unless a reliable person who is at least 13-year old remains with the child. It is also illegal to leave any pet unattended in a motor vehicle in hard weather conditions. Under Maryland state law, the penalty for leaving children unattended is as much as $500 in fines, 30 days in jail, or both. It’s important to note that cars transform into “ovens” when direct sunlight heats objects inside. Depending on the temperature, it can soar to 120 or 130 degrees, even when the temperature is only at 80. The body’s natural cooling method, such as sweating, start to shut down once the core body temperature reaches 104. One is at risk of death when the body hits 107 degrees. According to HealthyChildren.org, heat stroke is the leading cause of non-crash vehicle-related car deaths in children under 15. Heat strokes can occur even when the outside temperature is as low as 57 degrees. Authorities are urging if you see an unattended child in a car and are considered, to immediately call 911. If the child is not responsive, get the child out of the car and spray the child with cool water. If the child is responsive you should stay with the child until help arrives and have someone search for the driver or ask for the store to call them.
It’s safe to say it’s been quite a few challenging weeks, to say the least. There’s so much bad happening that a lot of people don’t really know what to do to help. Some of us are overwhelmed, some of us scared, and some of us are out doing what we can to make a difference. Like Kamryn Johnson, a 9-year-old girl from Minneapolis. Johnson, despite only being nine, is helping people in need during the coronavirus pandemic, as well as helping businesses that were affected by looting and destructive riots, one friendship bracelet at a time. Yes, the girl basically began selling colorful homemade bracelets around her neighborhood to raise money for those in need. Johnson came up with the idea with her friends and decided to set up a shop in her neighborhood full of colorful signs and a simple foldable table. Not only has it been a fun way to raise money, more than $42,000 to be exact, but it has also given her and her family the opportunity to create a conversation about what is hell is happening in the world. According to Kamryn’s father, Ron Johnson, “In a neighborhood where no one looks like her… to see everyone come together and say differences don’t mean we can’t be friends, it just means we’re different.” Kamryn’s mother, Shani Johnson, stated the family is now having open conversations with several people around their neighborhood for the first time thanks to the bracelet drive, and are going “deep right away into the issues happening in the world right now.” A special conversation that Shani remembers is one she had with a man who drove more than 30 minutes away, telling her how sorry he was after George Floyd’s death. Shani noted how the men started crying and kept repeating how sorry he was. She noted, “Not only are we getting to have these conversations that we normally wouldn’t want to have, people are willing to do differently to act differently so this world can be changed.” If you would like to donate to Kamryn’s cause, you can visit her GoFundMe page at gofundme.com/f/kamryn-amp-friends-bracelets-for-unity-amp-justice?utm_medium=copy_link&utm_source=customer&utm_campaign=p_nacp+share-sheet&rcid=2bb35304fd2b443d8afe74c2dd92fba2 which has currently raised over $13,500. The money will be used to buy food and supplies for the Sanctuary Church Food Drive, the Kyle Rudolph Food/Supply Drive for Minneapolis, and will help supply funds to rebuild the businesses affected in the riots. You know this little girl is going places!
Crochet shorts for men exists, peeps, and to be honest, I am not for it. Etsy shop LordvonSchmitt (heck of a name) is selling these handmade shorts, which come in a variety of colors and pretty much any style in existence.

The new fashion shorts, which are produced 100 percent in the U.S., are made from recycled vintage afghan blankets, assuring each pair is a “unique, inspired creation.” According to the Etsy site, the description states the crochet shorts are “stretchy and comfortable, warm yet breathable, eye-catching and vivid.” In the words of one satisfied customer, “they might be the best thing we ever owned!!.” Because apparently everyone loves to wear crochet shorts. Perfect for morning yoga or Sunday brunch. Prices on the sorts vary based on their style but can go as low as 70 dollars and as high at 150 dollars. And in case you were wondering if people actually buy these crocheted shorts, you should see the reviews on the website. It’s ridiculous how many people have commented that they love their pair. The shop, which is run by owner Schuyler Ellers, has a 5-star rating and nearly 2,000 sales… so maybe, just maybe, this is the new trend? I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve seen way, way worse! The store also sells all kinds of crochet patterns items such as umbrellas, hoodies, overalls, crochet pants, and bodysuits. But between you and me, a crochet bodysuit seems highly uncomfortable. I’d pee my pants before ever trying to get it off. And in case you were wondering, yes, the store does take custom orders to please your fashion needs. All you have to do is message Ellers what kind of color scheme you like and know your waist size… just to make sure you don’t end up with crochet booty shorts. I don’t know... some of these fashion trends are getting a little bit out of hand, kids. Men’s fashion is way more complicated. You need to tone it down and just give us some regular shorts. No, not Jorts, shorts. But, if you’re into these sort of fashion trends, then I guess I’ll support you. Who am I to tell you what to wear, right?
Trump went across to St. John's again. Wonder what he held up this time?

Oh, yeah, he wants to go and play golf. Man, some celebrities are so tone-deaf when it comes to the George Floyd protests. Whoever Marina of Marina and the Diamonds is she offended both mentally ill people and cops.

Large crowds all over the world have gathered to protest police brutality and stand with Black Lives Matter. People are standing up for the safety and dignity of black people whether or not its popular in their town. Anti-racist demonstrators are hosting their own protests in small towns and cities. While they may be the only people standing, they're not standing alone. Like this guy in Ocean Shores, Washington...

Hey, Father's Day is around the corner so if you're looking for a perfect card to give your dad how about this one?

So, remember the Care Bears? Well, there's a whole new group of Bears now...

Bring out the merchandise, I'll buy it. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Phacts People Learned When They Were "Today Years Old"
5. I was today years old when I discovered the green and brown M&Ms are lesbians.
4. I was today years old when I learned Lion King is the plot of Hamlet and I'll never be the same.
3. I am embarrassed to admit I was today years old when I discovered there is no “s” at the end of the first syllable of the word: "lackadaisical." I have been spelling (and pronouncing it) wrong my whole life.
2. I was today years old when I realized "American Gothic" depicts a farmer and his daughter, not his wife.
And the number one phact someone learned when they were "today years old" is...
1. I was today years old when I learned that a manger is a box animals eat out of.

Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? Well, things happen in this state that happen no where else in the world... or universe.

A Florida man got more than he expected after he decided to steal drugs from a Pinellas County home which he thought were powerful opioids. Turns out, the man stole laxatives! According to an arrest affidavit, 56-year-old Peter Hans Emery Jr. mistakenly stole “gentle laxatives” believing they were opioids, namely hydrocodone, a powerful narcotic. He eventually threw the pill bottle he stole when he realized they were “something else.” The pill bottle in question, which was labeled hydrocodone-acetaminophen, actually contained "Equate Gentle Laxatives" from Walmart that are meant for “gentle dependable overnight relief.” Not the type of relief he necessarily wanted, but surely enough, a relief nonetheless. Hahahaha that was probably a shitty experience. Karma. The Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office was able to catch Emery after obtaining surveillance video that showed Emery breaking into the victim’s lock box at a residence on Lake Allen Drive in Pinellas Park. Emery was seen putting the “opioids” into his hands. He then left the residence with the medication. Emery, who reportedly has prior theft convictions, admitted to police that he didn’t have permission to take the pills. I’m guessing he probably figured he should just relieve himself of anymore trouble, instead of making his situation even more difficult after failing so miserably. He retrieved a couple of opioid pills from his trash to show officers to prove his point. Now, the 56-year-old faces several probation violation charges including a felony charge of petit theft. Talk about being a shitty situation, huh? The question here is, if the opioids weren’t in the prescribed bottle, then where are they? Did someone else already steal them and replace them with laxatives? Is this some sort of vigilante plot against the national crisis that is the ongoing opioid epidemic? So many questions here, like what kind of home is this anyways, and who’s home is this? How wild!

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. It's pretty easy.

This guy who thinks wanting to survive and protect the elderly and immuno-compromised makes you a "twat."

I’m just trying not to catch a virus but okay... All right, let's see what is going on live in Port Jeff, shall we?

You can't really see it here but some kind of drivable lawn mower is cutting the grass.

Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again.

The 128th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Isla Fisher will be on the Phile sometime next week, depends on what my work schedule will be.

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello. Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Today's guest is an American actress, producer, and director. She gained wide public recognition for starring as Olivia Pope, a crisis management expert, in the ABC drama series "Scandal." Her latest film, American Son, is available now on Netflix. Please welcome to the Phile... Kerry Washington.

Me: Hello, Kerry, welcome to the Phile. How are you?

Kerry: Thank you. Thanks for having me. I'm relaxed.

Me: So, you re mostly known from the TV show "Scandal." When that show ended how did you feel and what did you do?

Kerry: I was actually lucky to do a play on Broadway 10 years ago called Race. It's a David Mamet play and I got to originate that role. I worked with a really prolific producer named Jeff Richards and he read on the Internet that is was going to be the final season of "Scandal" and so he called me and said, "Its time you came back to Broadway, I'm going to send you three scripts." I said no, after seven seasons of "Scandal" I'm going to take a nap. I'm not going to do the hardest thing I could do as an actor performing live on Broadway eight times a week.

Me: You think that's the hardest thing?

Kerry: I think it is. I guess hard is relative, I'm not doing my own stunts like Tom Cruise but it's a different kind of hard. And it requires a different kind of level of... commitment.

Me: So, when you got this new script what did you think?

Kerry: I read it and I was up late and memorizing one of those two page "Scandal" monologues and I thought I would just read the first ten pages of this play. I can check it off the list I promised myself I would do for the end of the day and I couldn't put it down.

Me: So, you are in a new Netflix movie called American Son which was the play that you did on Broadway. Who do you play, Kerry?

Kerry: I play Kendra, one half of an estranged interracial couple, whose son Jamal has been involved in an incident with the police. The two parents come together in a desperate search for answers.

Me: What was it that attracted you to this story in particular? The timing couldn't be anymore timely.

Kerry: I guess there are a lot of stuff in the play and now the television event that was surprising to me. I was faced with my own... assumptions? Unconscious bias and I thought that was really interesting. But also I know "Kendra's," I've been "Kendra" different times in my life. I felt that I understood Kendra, and yet I've never seen her on the screen before.

Me: What do you mean you've been "Kendra" different times in your life?

Kerry: I think we meet Kendra at a really interesting time in her life. She has spent many, many years sweeping shit under the rug. I think she spends a lot of time trying to believe that she's safe in her life. That being married to this white man and living in the community she's living, and having this advance degrees that she has can make her immune to some of the realities of being a black woman and a parent of a black child. I think we meet her at a moment she can no longer pretend. He decided it's time to pull all that out from under her rug and deal with it and be who she is and the kind of mom her son needs her to be. I think I had times in my life where I tried to sweep stuff under the rug and ignore reality for my own comfort. It always catches up to me and I have to deal with stuff. The only way out in life is through.

Me: How is she different from Olivia Pope, the character you played in "Scandal"?

Kerry: I think in many ways she was like the "un-Olivia Pope." If I could swing the pendulum in the opposite direction what I had spent seven years doing on television it was Kendra. She was not the more powerful person in the room. She actually spends 90 minutes desperately trying to have some sense of urgency in the world. She is a professor who is not world famous and she doesn't dress in fancy clothes, doesn't walk in high heels by Prada. Also Olivia Pope never became a mom by choice and I think one of the fundamental exploration that Kendra is on is this moment is what kind of mother is she and what kind of mother can she be. So it felt like a great opportunity for me to add some more tools to my tool box and explore some themes and issues that I have been unable to in the seven years I was on "Scandal."

Me: I have to admit I never seen "Scandal," Kerry. Being the character is so different in the play than the character you played for seven years was it hard to wrap your mind around that?

Kerry: Honestly going into it I didn't know. I knew that it was the task at hand but I wasn't sure how I was going to accomplish it. So its definitely the most challenging project I've taken on as an actor to have to go to that place eight times a week.

Me: When you played Kendra on stage how did you handle that kinda emotion night after night? 

Kerry: It cost me a great deal I guess with emotional energy but also it taught me a lot about all of the opposite emotions as well.

Me: How so?

Kerry: Because I really learnt to create some boundaries between Kendra and myself. When I was in that theater or at that sound stage she got 99.9% of me. There's always that .1% in case my kids call or there's an emergency or something. I have a little bit of an antenna in the real world. But she got most of me. When I was not in that theater or on that soundstage I got to be in the beautiful life that I have. And a lot of things that Kendra has was grappling with was places I was able to find a lot of joy in my personal life.

Me: So, being an actual mom does the role hit you differently?

Kerry: Yeah, it does. I think those moments of going home and peeking on the door making sure everything's okay it just has put resonance at the end of the night. My daughter was actually in a phase of asking "will you check on me when you get home?" Sometimes I wanted to say, "You have no idea. I am checking on you like nobody's business." Right now it is my everything to make sure that they are okay.

Me: Do you get anxieties about being a woman of color with children of color in the United States? If that's a stupid question we will move on.

Kerry: Yeah, I think a lot of parents, any parent understands the level of powerlessness that defines parenthood. At some point this little creature, there are some ways to become a mother, but two out of three kids at some point that child was inside me and I could control what they heard and what they ate and their existence. But once they're out of the "building," once they're walking in the world it's an exercise of relinquishing power and knowing that person is on the path of individuating and thinking who they are in their world, And I am there creating some containers and hopefully help them doing in ways without hitting themselves too much. But it is an act of exercise in powerlessness. So I think any parent understands that. How that is complicated and made even more challenging when that child out in the world is not just up against all of life's dangers and challenges but institution with real structured practices that are invested in the demonization of my child it is vastly more terrifying.

Me: Hmmm. So, I read there was some kinda "guide" handed out at the play as well as the "Playbill." What was that?

Kerry: Yeah, a guide was handed out, not like a program so the audience can decide what is going on but methods which they could talk about this afterwards. It was a discussion guide.

Me: Did you ever meet anybody who used the guide?

Kerry: Yeah, lots pf people. 

Me: So, did you think it was important to have some kinda guide?

Kerry: Yeah, not only in the lobby but in the "Playbill" because I thought at the end of the piece people are really blown away. I could hear the audible struggle that the audiences were having to wrap their heads around the end of the piece. I thought people are stumbling out of the theater, this thing has to be in the "Playbills." When they get home they're thinking "wait, who wrote this thing? Where do I know that actor from?" when they open that "Playbill" it's there for them as a resource. We worked with an incredible organization called the Opportunity Agenda, they put those discussion points together and they actually helped to curate, talkbacks that we had with the audience on all of these issues.

Me: Were you there for those?

Kerry: I was.

Me: Did you yourself learn anything new?

Kerry: A lot of ways the film is really an opportunity to see many, many private conversations that we don't have in public spaces to see them in the light of day. I think we're having a hard time in this country and society culture thinking how to talk about these issues. I think of you watch these very four different characters with very different points of view they sit in rooms together and they speak truth and we listen. I don't think we often listen to the extent we need to in the culture today. We go to the places to hear the news which makes us feel safest and we only follow people on Twitter and social media that message things that make us feel right and we don't often put ourselves in places where we're confronted with ideologies that challenge our own and that's happening a lot with the play. And we as audience members get to have this experience finding common threads in places we didn't know we would. Experiencing compassion and empathy in places we didn't know we would and I think that's so important. I watched that happening with audiences, I watched with the talkbacks in these discussion groups people were really honest about their own experience and asking how they could be part of the solution and just not part of the problem. I think the writer, Christopher Demos-Brown does this beautiful thing by making sure Jamal is half black and half white. He takes an issue that's thought of belonging to just the black community. People say "that's just the kind of thing that only happens in the black community. It's only a certain kind of kids that get into that kind of trouble." But what Christopher does it makes us realize that because Jamal belongs to all of us this is actually all of our problem. This is not an isolated difficulty that just black people should be shouldering. This is something that impacts all of our children and all of our lives. And we all feel the stress for Jamal because we feel like he's ours. We need to feel like that about all of the kids in this country and kids all over the world. Kids that don't have clean water in Flint, to the kids that are on reservations that don't have access to healthcare, clean water as well. The kids in the inner city, the kids in the rural south, who don't have healthcare, the kids who are at the border right now. Until we're able to think about these human children as being all of our responsibility I don't think we're going to be doing our job as citizens of the world.

Me: I said I never saw you in "Scandal" but I did see you in Ray and Django Unchained. Anyway, when you were Olivia Pope that show was huge. When did you realize how popular of a show it was?

Kerry: I think it was when I started hearing pop culture references about "Scandal" and about Olivia Pope. It wasn't because I was in the room but it was Ellen and Oprah and Rihanna and people on their own were referencing the show with such adoration. We were really in a vacuum just trying to make this show. There was a lot said in the first season how their never been a network drama with a black woman in the lead in almost 40 years. So in my lifetime I've never seen a black woman as a lead in network drama. I knew if we didn't do our best to make a quality show another black woman may not have a chance to do it for another 40 years. 

Me: Were you under a lot of pressure because of that?

Kerry: Yeah, I guess so. But I understood that was the reality. Everybody around us, the network and the studio was talking about what a risk it was to do a show with a black woman. Of course it allowed for "How To Get Away With Murder" and "Black-ish." But until that happened we were just opening in a vacuum just to kind of make a really great show that we could be proud of. Also not knowing if anybody would watch because I assumed it must be a risk because people aren't going to tune in. Of course the opposite was true. Audiences were so hungry where we live in a world now where we know our protagonist do not just look one way, every person of side and color and shape and size deserves to be the hero of their own story and the center of their heroes adventure. So people were hungry for it and excited about it and incredibly supportive but we didn't know that until made it and got to see it land in the world.

Me: That's cool. Kerry, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back again soon. Take care.

Kerry: Thank you, Jason.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Kerry Washington for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Nancy Cartwright from "The Simpsons." Spread the word, not the turd... or the virus, or hatred. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Mask to or casket. Bye, love you, bye.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon