Pheaturing David Dover

Hello, welcome to a Wednesday entry of the Phile. It's Hump Day1 Whoo whoo. You know, before Hump Day Wednesday was Prince spaghetti day. Remember?

Shit, I'm showing my bloody age again. What's going on?  A chemistry blog has done the world the service of explaining why bacon smells so amazingly good. The amazing aroma apparently comes from about the 150 chemical compounds that are created when the wunderfood is cooked. How this country has not created a gun made of bacon is beyond me.  Fewer Americans are identifying themselves as Christian than any other time in the nation's history, according to a survey by the Pew Research Center. Only 71 percent of U.S. adults were found to be Christian in 2014, down eight percentage points from seven years earlier. In fact, those whom the poll lists as "unaffiliated"... a group which includes atheists, agnostics and people who can't be bothered to even consider the question... is currently greater than the number of Catholics in the country.  Civil rights icon and slavery abolitionist Harriet Tubman topped an unofficial online poll asking Americans which woman they'd like to see replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. As awesome as that would be, considering the continued gender inequality in the country, I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up on a $15.60 bill instead. Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill? Way to make the presidents feel awkward when they're stuffed in the same wallet.  A team of Australian genetic engineers are in the process of developing a "super banana," capable of delivering large boosts of Vitamin A to its consumers, potentially saving hundreds of thousands of lives worldwide. It also should be able to contribute to the creation of some really phenomenal smoothies.  Bad news, Simpsons fans: it hasn't been good since the 90s. Also, Homer and Marge are splitting up. Longtime showrunner Al Jean broke the news in an interview with "Variety." In the upcoming season 27 (that's right, 27) premiere, the couple will get a legal separation after Homer's narcolepsy diagnosis puts a strain on their marriage. Then, Homer will fall in love with his pharmacist, voiced by Lena Dunham of "Girls." Knowing the show, they'll probably get back together by the end of the episode. Nor is this the first time their marriage has been in jeopardy. One time Marge threw Homer out for telling a class full of strangers about their sex life, and Homer once filed for divorce so that they could be remarried in style. Then I stopped watching, but there have probably been similar plotlines in the last 20 years. Something like: Homer thinks he's in love with an iPad voiced by Snooki so he gets a job as a life coach. Jean also said that this season will feature a Halloween episode where Sideshow Bob finally kills Bart. And now that voice actor Harry Shearer is leaving the show, it looks like there's plenty of drama going on behind the scenes, too. Let's hope that all of these developments are leading to the one plot twist every fan wants: the show ending. Do I sound bitter? I am. "The Simpsons" made me the man I am today, but it's been a pale shadow of its former self for years. It needs to die.  I have to show you this picture...

Can you believe it? This guy wins $181 million in the lottery and then finds the love of his life just two days later. Talk about luck. Haha. That's so stupid.  A Phile reader sent me this newspaper clip...

Bradley is a smart kid. Yup.  You know, a lot of magazines show celebrities what they look like without makeup. I thought why not do the same... so, check it out.

Hahaha. That's crazy. Okay, kids, and now let's see who took a dirt nap.

Vincent Bugliosi 
August 18th, 1934 — June 8th, 2015
So Vinnie is dead, and that nutjob Manson is somehow still alive? How the hell did that happen? 

Tariq Aziz 
April 28th, 1936 — June 5th, 2015
Tariq is going to reek.

This one is fucking cool. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Before we continue I have to show you something cool. This display is at the Tokyo Rock Showcase in Roppongi Tokyo, Japan.

You can check out more at tokyorockshowcase.jp/en/index.html. My dad would think this is very cool. I might have to take a trip to Tokyo now. Ha! Like that's gonna happen. Alright, so, by now you know I live in Florida, right? Well, here in Florida lots of crazy stuff happens. And not all is bad. You'll see in a minute in a pheature I call...

Get ready to cry tears of pure happiness. This heartwarming pet reunion is the news story equivalent of a pile of warm, clean laundry coming to life and giving you a hug. Seven years ago, Julie Arango's Boston Terrier puppy Lola dug a hole under the fence and escaped from their yard in Homestead, Florida. Arango said she and her daughter, Celina, searched for Lola for months with no luck. Even the microchip didn't help bring her home. The Arangos were heartbroken.  Fast forward seven years, when Arango received a phone call from a veterinary clinic in Ft. Lauderdale who told her they had Lola. She couldn't believe it! The vet explained that Lola had been in a loving home for the past seven years, but the owner needed to give her away and posted an ad on Craiglist. Linda Gall answered the Craigslist ad to adopt Lola, and when Gall took the dog to the vet, they discovered the microchip. Ah, yes! The microchip! Technology saves the day! Thanks again for everything, technology, you're always there for us when we need you most.  Julie and Celina Arango are now reunited with their lost lost puppy, and want to pick up right where they left off. Oh, and just in case this story wasn't the most uplifting thing you've read all day, today is Celina's birthday! And she's going to bring Lola with her to college in the fall!

Hey, guys! I'm back! I gotta tell you about all the butts I sniffed while I was gone!

The 37th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum and author will be a guest on the Phile tomorrow.

Today's guest is a musician whose latest CD "Dover Soul" where he does a duet with Chuck Berry is available on iTunes and CDBaby... I wish this blog was called Peverett Soul. Anyway, please welcome to the Phile... David Dover.

Me: Hello, David, welcome to the Phile, sir. How are you?

David: I am good.

Me: I have to tell you, and I am being sincere, your hair is amazing. How long have you had your hair like that, sir? Would you ever cut it?

David: I have no plans to cut my hair off.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your music, which is why you are here, and not to talk about your hair. I downloaded your last album "Dover Soul" and really enjoyed it. It has some very good boogie, rock, blues sounding songs, some spiritual songs and even a duet with Chuck Berry. Chuck Berry?! How the hell did that happen?

David: I got to play with Chuck Berry this way... I am friends with the promoter but the reason we are friends is because I also have a lighting and sound company. I was hired to do all the production for that show.. As in lights and sound, be the opening band and be the band for him. I asked Chuck if it would be okay to record the show and said yes. I brought recording gear that day just in case. It was a moment on rock and roll time that I captured for history. A hundred years from now no one will remember David Dover but they will remember Chuck Berry and I was there that day.

Me: You guys did a duet on "Johnny B. Goode" and I loved it. My dad, if he was alive, would be jealous.

David: That's why I wanted to record it... I did three shows over the years with Foghat. Lonesome Dave was your father?

Me: Yep.

David: That is very cool... I knew him and he was always nice to me when we would meet. 

Me: Cool. Anyway, how was Chuck to work with? That must of been a real thrill. Was that the first time you worked together?

David: That day at the Maybee Center in Tulsa was the one and only time I worked with Chuck. We did get offered to go do other shows with him but I declined to go. I said if Chuck would spring for a nice bus, I would go. He ain't about to come off that kind of money. LOL.

Me: "Dover Soul" is your fifth album, David, how would you compare it to your other albums? 

David: I like "Dover Soul" the best because I am getting better at production and I wrote most of those songs.

Me: When did your first album come out, David? I imagine you've been playing for a long time. 

David: I recorded my first record in 1984. My first album came out in 1989.

Me: I listened to your other albums, and was surprised to hear you recorded the Dave Edmunds song, which Bruce Springsteen wrote, "From Small Things." Are you a Dave Edmunds fan?

David: I have always liked Dave Edmunds... Even before most people really knew who he was.

Me: On some of your songs I hear a John Hiatt resemblance. Has anybody compared you to him before?

David: As far as I know I have not been compared to John Hiatt.

Me: On the album "Seal of Approval" you do an amazing version of "Amazing Grace," which is one of my favorite religious songs ever. I want that song played at my funeral, and I might pick yours. Pretty much on all your albums, you do a few religious or spiritual songs. Is that something that is very important to you? I like it that you mix up your music.

David: On the album "Seal of Approval" I do a couple of spiritual songs. I wish I could sound like a gospel choir when I sing but I do what I can.

Me: You also have a few political songs thrown in. You are definitely proud to be an American, aren't you?

David: I love my country, yes... America does not always do the right thing in the world but I think most peoples intentions here are just and true. It's the government that messes everything up.

Me: So, "Seal of Approval"... where did that title come from?

David: I named the album because it was just a live type deal at a rehearsal and we recorded it. The name comes from the songs my fans wanted me to play a lot. There are no original songs of mine on that one.

Me: A lot of country singers, more then any genre, sing about America. Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood, for example. Do you ever get put into the country genre?

David: I tried my hand at country for a while but no matter where I went, people wanted the Creedence songs and the Bob Seger songs. So they weren't really buying the fact that I was singing country so that didn't last.

Me: You do quite a few Creedence songs, David, why is that? You must be a big CCR fan.

David: I do a lot of Creedence because that's just how my voice comes out. In 1985 I obtained a one year license to be the first Creedence Tribute Band approved by all four members of Creedence. To my knowledge John Fogerty has not let anyone else do that and use the name in advertising.

Me: I am not sure. Fogerty is a friend of yours though, right?

David: He became my friend after that and I still do a lot of his songs.

Me: If you were going to write a song about President Obama, would it be a positive song, or a negative one?

David: I wouldn't write a song about the President if I couldn't be proud to do it and make it positive so I guess I won't be writing about Mr. Obama anytime soon.

Me: Haha. Okay. David, you play a lot of acoustic guitar, but what do you prefer, an electric guitar or acoustic? I take it you play Gibson's as well. I don't know why I take it you do, just an hunch.

David: I play acoustic in the first set. I play an '84 Strat primarily. I have a Gary Moore Signature Les Paul but it seldom ever leaves my house as it has no scratches on it and it is a 2000 model that looks new. My old Strat does what I need from my guitar.

Me: That's the pink one, right?

David: It looks pink but they say it is coral.

Me: You're from Oklahoma, right? Have you lived there all your life? Is that where you record your albums?

David: I record in an old house that I turned into my studio in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Me: Do you go on tour across America often?

David: I have traveled and played other cities and states but not on a large level.

Me: So, what kinda gigs do you do?

David: Just opening for bigger bands a lot... I did the club circuit when I was in my twenties and that is a good age to do that.

Me: Currently you are recording a new album, David, will you have any guests on it like Chuck Berry?

David: I am currently working on my latest album entitled "Legends Myths and Rumors."

Me: Okay, there must be a reason you are calling it that.

David: The reason I am calling it that is every song will have a different legend playing on it.

Me: Can you say who?

David: I have confirmation from some of my music heroes from my younger days saying they will play on it with me. It will be ALL original and all David Dover Tulsa Music. I have two songs finished and I am working on the third now. Rocky Frisco is on both songs and Chuck Blackwell is the drummer on the second song. Jimmy Karstein, David Teegargen, Ed King (Lynyrd Skynyrd), Don White, have all said yes to being on this album with me. I have a few more friends that are harder to track down but I will get them to be on it too. I will send you the songs in a file form for your personal. 

Me: What about John Fogerty? Hey, maybe you can ask him if he wants to be on the Phile.

David: He is very illusive and a little difficult to talk to. He told me he would never sue me for singing his songs and for me to have fun with them.. For a long time he wouldn't sing them and people assumed he was legally bound to stay away from them. Not true. He just wouldn't sing them which is why he let me do it.

Me: David, thanks so much for being on the Phile. Please come back when your new album comes out. I wish you lots of luck and keep doing what you're doing. Take care.

David: Thank you, Jason. More on my history is on my Facebook music page. It's called David Dover and his version of the Tulsa sound.

That about does it for this entry. Thanks to David Dover for a great interview. The Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alum and author Patricia Cox. So, spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Jean Paul Makhlouf From Cash Cash

Good evening and welcome to the Phile for a Saturday. As Graham Parker once said... Saturday night is dead. What a great song. Anyway, how are you? Okay, let's see what is happening.  Sepp Blatter has announced that he is resigning as President of FIFA after 17 years on the job. It is assumed that this comes in response to a mounting investigation from the FBI for possible incidents of corruption, though it's always possible that the 79 year old man simply wants to spend more time collecting bribes from his family.  Mike Huckabee is coming under fire from the media this week for a joke he  made about transgender people back in February. "I wish that someone told me that when I was in high school that I could have felt like a woman when it came time to take showers in PE," Huckabee told an audience at the National Religious Broadcasters Convention in Nashville, Tennessee. "I'm pretty sure that I would have found my feminine side and said, 'Coach, I think I'd rather shower with the girls today.'" You see that? Thoughtless, creepy and intolerant all in one comment. That's how you win a GOP primary. Mike Huckabee sure is doing a great job courting molester-defending, transphobic, straight-up creepy voters.  Enormous fire-breathing reptile Godzilla has been made an honorary citizen of Japan, thanks to his years of tireless work trampling the buildings of Tokyo. “Godzilla is a character that is the pride of Japan,” Mayor Kenichi Yoshizumi of the Shinjuku ward of Tokyo explained. To put it into terms that Americans can understand, he's sort of like Bill O'Reilly: a destructive, dinosaur-like created that we kind of like for some reason.  Matthew Apperson, the man who is on trial for shooting George Zimmerman in the face... will use Florida's Stand Your Ground defense. This is the legal tactic that Zimmerman himself made famous when he stood trial for the shooting death of Trayvon Martin in 2012. Though, it should be noted that Zimmerman was not wearing a hoodie when the incident occurred, so that might be a factor. Disney studios has announced that it is adapting the iconic "Night on Bald Mountain" animated sequence from 1940s Fantasia into a full-length live action movie. Here's hoping they get Patrick Stewart to play the mountain.  Okay, so, sometimes I sit around and wonder what I can do to make my blog more popular... to get more readers. I get lots of advice from you out there and one of the things I get told that the blog lacks is animal photos. For some reason, people love pictures of animals. One of my favorite animals is the giraffe... so maybe if I put up a pic of a giraffe word will get out. So, here we go.

Haha. Man, that was a big build up for that photo.  A lot of magazines have pictures of celebrities without their make up so I thought it'll be fun of the Phile did the same thing. Check it out...

So, I have ti show you this poster. This is very real... but I don't know what they were going for.

Yup. That's almost a Mindphuck, right?  You know, working at Disney I meet a lot of different people... and I sometimes wonder if aliens exist. Then I saw this...

Yep. They exist alright.  Alright, I have to tell this story... There's nothing wrong with buying an accurate Star Wars Stormtrooper costume and wearing it around town. You might get some stares, but that's probably what you want. There is something wrong with wearing it and loitering in front of an elementary school. That's liable to get you arrested. That's what happened to this unlucky member of the Imperial Army.

He appeared in front of Brickett Elementary School in Lynn, Massachusetts on Wednesday just moments before class was meant to let out. Parents there to pick up their children were shocked and afraid. They didn't know what he was going to do... he was holding a blaster, and they didn't want anyone to wind up like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. The principal noticed him and delayed dismissal until police showed up. Officers immediately arrested him and removed his mask, identifying him as a local man, 40 year old George Cross. Luckily, it turned out his laser gun was fake (because laser guns aren't real) and he claims his intentions were totally benign. He bristled at questions from 7 News reporters after his arraignment: "Like I'm some kind of weirdo? I bought a costume, I was walking through the neighborhood showing friends, and then all that." By "all that," he meant his charges of disturbing a school and loitering within 1,000 feet of a school. Those charges aren't even that bad considering his behavior. His story of "showing friends" is pretty sketchy. Are his friends 7? They would be the most impressed by the costume. If they're not, then why was he meeting them in front of an elementary school right when it was letting out? I don't think he was going to do anything bad... I think he wanted to get a reaction out of a bunch of kids. He just didn't count on the reaction of all the adults. But what do you expect? He's a Stormtrooper... they're famously weak-minded. Hey, George, this isn't the hobby you're looking for.  Okay, so, there's a thousand different blogs out there. Not all have over 800 entries, or all pheature clever pics and cool interviews... but they are all unique in their own way. Once in awhile I like to pheature different blogs and put them in the...

Today's award goes to... thehappilyeverafterproject.com. Check it out...

Go look at the blog, but finish this one first. When you go read it let them know the Phile sent you. And now for...

Top Phive People Who Wants To See Entourage
5. People who didn't think eight seasons of aimless model-humping were nearly enough.
4. Adrian Grenier's fan, who got tired of waiting for him to be in something else.
3. People who couldn't get into Mad Max, but still wanted to see a movie about a nightmarish world devoid of hope and compassion.
2. Lovers of slow-motion shots of douchebags walking away from private jets.
And the number one person who wants to see Entourage...
1. Matt Dillon, whose mom forces him to see everything his rat-faced little brother is in.

This one is a stretch. Good luck, kids. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, before we continue I have to mention something personal. An old friend and fellow Disney Cast Member named Gordon Bolle... Grampa Gordon to his friends passed away last night. He was always telling a joke... and was a bog fan of this stupid little blog. Grampa Gordon, you will be missed.

It's 7:59pm, 82°F and Kelly Clarkson covers Rihanna's "Bitch Better Have My Money," reminds me she's a boss. Disclaimer: "Bitch Better Have My Money" is a killer track, Rihanna sings it like the perfect badass she is, and it was basically meant for her. However, Kelly Clarkson might have the most incredible set of pipes of our generation, and she can destroy pretty much any song in her path. This cover proves that Kelly Clarkson may indeed be the one person on this planet that I would pay to hear sing the phone book. Do phone books still exist? Do phones still exist? Anyway, Clarkson's version of the song can't even be compared to the original because it's an entirely new piece of musical artistry, and we should be just be thankful every time she graces us with the sound of her voice. Enjoy. youtube.com/watchlist=PL1CA6335E0D3699B6&v=K5K66qKJLo8#t=18.

The 37th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Author and Phile Alum Patricia Cox will be a guest on the Phile next Friday.

Today's guest is a member of the dance trio Cash Cash whose new single "Untouchable" is available on iTunes now. Please welcome to the Phile... Jean Paul Makhlouf.

Me: Hello, man, welcome to the Phile. So, how are you?

Jean Paul: We're good! we just released our new single "Untouchable" which is available on iTunes.

Me: Where are you guys from? New York, right?

Jean Paul: We're all from a small town called Roseland in New Jersey.

Me: Oh. You all seem so long, so I cannot imagine you've been in a band for long, am I right?

Jean Paul: We've been Cash Cash since 2008 and playing in other bands together since elementary school.

Me: Tell the readers who is in the band.

Jean Paul: I'm Jean Paul. I sing and write the songs with my brother Alex who plays keyboards. Sam plays guitar and Anthony plays the drums.

Me: I have to ask you about the band name, who came up with it? Why Cash Cash and not just Cash?

Jean Paul: We came up with the song first. As the consequence we had the song "Cash Cash" written. After we got signed we found out we had to change the name because the rapper Consequence owned the name and legally we had to change it. It was also around a time where a lot of people we're also trying to screw us over from agents to labels and out of frustration trying to come up with a new name I yelled, "Everyone's after all our damn cash and we don't even have any yet, we should just name the band Cash Cash." We all laughed and the name stuck!

Me: I was hoping you said you guys were big Johnny Cash fans. What music do you kids listen to? 

Jean Paul: Johnny Cash is definitely the man! We're big fans of Jimmy Eat World, Goo Goo Dolls, Stone Temple Pilots, Nirvana, Daft Punk, Justice, Katy Perry, Dave Matthews Band, and so many other bands and different types of music.

Me: Yeah, I saw a picture of you guys and Katy Perry. I have to show it here...

Me: Let's talk about your music. You have a new single called "Untouchable" which we mentioned. I know that's not your first release... what was your last album called?

Jean Paul: "Love Or Lust."

Me: Did you guys all write the songs?

Jean Paul: We write all our own music. We did co-wrote a few of the songs together with some friends and it was a really fun experience!

Me: You guys are signed to a U.S. label and a Japanese label. Are you guys big in Japan? Have you been over there to play yet?

Jean Paul: We just signed with Twilight Records in Japan and we're really excited to get over there this summer. We've always wanted to tour Japan and have been waiting a long time for it to happen! 

Me: You guys played the Warped Tour a few years ago, and recently did a free show in Times Square. Do you guys like doing big outdoor shows, or would you rather play inside at a club?

Jean Paul: Warped Tour was an amazing experience that I will remember for the rest of my life! So many awesome memories were made. We all grew up going to Warped Tour seeing our favorite bands and playing it was just a priceless feeling. We love playing small shows too because they are very intimate with the crowd and you can really feed of their energy. It's all about keeping a good balance between the two.

Me: What's been your favorite gig you have done so far?

Jean Paul: I don't know if I can narrow it down to a single show... but Bamboozle '09 was definitely one of the biggest we've ever played as well as Kiss FM Seattle's Jingle Bell Bash.

Me: Some of you guys are featured in the video game "Sonic Colors," is that right? How did that happen? Are you characters in the game?

Jean Paul: Me, Alex, and Sam worked on the theme song as well as the closing song for "Sonic Colors." I sang over the theme song and Alex did talk box on the closing song. It was really awesome because we all grew up playing Sonic games as children. It was such a privilege to work on it. We are currently working on another Sonic game but can't give any information on it at this time!

Me: I listened to your single "Red Cup (I Fly Solo)" and have to ask you, what does that mean? Is that kid lingo for something? I am old, guys, explain it to me.

Jean Paul: Haha... it's a play on words between being solo and red solo cups. Sometimes we write stupid songs like that one that are just about partying and having fun. Let's just say it's not one of those songs that's gonna change the world... and we're cool with that.

Me: You recorded that with Lacey Schwimmer from "Dancing With the Stars" and someone named Spose. How did you get Lacey involved? She's a dancer, right? Did you know her before the song was recorded?

Jean Paul: We met Lacey out in L.A. when we recorded our first full length CD in the summer of '08. We stayed in touch and it was awesome to finally work on something with her! Spose was on Universal Republic Records with us and we met him at Bamboozle Chicago.

Me: Fantastic. Jean Paul, thanks so much for being on the Phile, you guys are gonna be big. When you are, I hope you will still come back onto the Phile. Go ahead and plug your website if you want. 

Jean Paul: Thanks so much for having us! We really appreciate the support! You can find us at: facebook.com/cashcashband, twitter.com/cashcashband, and cashcashmusic.com.

There you go, that about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jean Paul Makhlouf for the interview. It wasn't the most exciting one I have to admit... I blame myself. Haha. The Phile will be back on Wednesday with musician David Dover. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Rest in peace, Gordon.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker

Pheaturing Rachael Drummond

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Tuesday. How are you? What's going on?  Former Maryland Governor Martin O'Malley announced over the weekend that he will be seeking the Democratic nomination for president in 2016. He has yet to clarify whether this is an act of pure delusion or if he maybe just has a book coming out soon.  A Canadian judge has ruled that three of the biggest tobacco companies must pay $12 billion dollars to Quebec smokers for not providing information on the health risks associated with smoking. "The companies earned billions of dollars at the expense of the lungs, the throats, and the general well-being of their customers," Superior Court Justice Brian Riordan wrote. JTI-Macdonald, Imperial Tobacco, and Rothmans, Benson & Hedges say they plan to appeal black, tarry infringement of justice. Do you know what the difference is between the Surgeon General and the Surgeon Specific are? The Surgeon General says smoking kills. The Surgeon Specific says you will die November 15th 2037 from complications arising from a tumor in your left lung.  Academy Award-nominated actress Emma Stone has been making headlines recently for her role as a half-Asian Hawaiian hula dancing expert in Cameron Crowe's new film Aloha. Reactions from the media range from "I'm not buying Emma Stone as an Asian-American in Aloha" to "Literally Why."  Twentieth Century Fox announced (probably due to a sense of obligation) that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has for some reason agreed to star in a remake of John Carpenter's 1986 cult-classic action-fantasy film Big Trouble in Little China that some executive probably figured they'd have to get around to making eventually. Sorry to have been the one to inform you. I am very excited for Emma Stone to play Wang Chi in the remake. Haha.  Scientists have discovered that female sawfish in Florida have been reproducing without engaging in sexual intercourse with male sawfish in the area. These births seem to suggest both that such virgin births may be more common in nature than previously assumed and that Florida fish dudes are just as off-putting as Florida human dudes. Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish and hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together.  The former Olympic athlete and current reality star formerly known as Bruce Jenner makes her premier appearance as a Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of the July issue of "Vanity Fair." The issue's photo spread, taken by legendary celebrity photographer Annie Leibowitz, seem destined to stir up a lot of controversy with culture warriors and confusion with people who don't think they could find 65 year old transgender people attractive. I do have to say that "Family Guy" called this about four years ago.

See?  Yesterday I ate at a really good Chinese restaurant in Orlando. But there was something just not right about it...

Awww. Actually, the restaurant was really good. If you live or visit Orlando go to Ming Bistro... but don't expect to get a fortune cookie there.  So, as you know one of my favorite places in the world is Port Jefferson, New York where I grew up. Well, I have to show you this... this happened in Port Jeff Harbor yesterday...

What the hell? I have no idea.  So, you kids know who Helen Keller is, right? I saw this poster and thought something just wasn't right...

I'm going to hell. Okay, and now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York here is...

Top Phive Things Overheard In Kim Kardashian's Womb
5. This umbilical cord is just a constant stream of Red Bull and diet shakes!
4. When mommy was napping yesterday, North whispered to me to "stay inside for as long as I can."
3. How did E! get cameras in here?
2. I'm not born yet and even I know not to sign documents from Grandma Kris without getting legal representation!
And the number one thing heard in Kim's womb is...
1. My ears have barely developed, but I already don't like what I'm hearing out there!

Kim Kardashian 
Clicking on links about her won't make her go away you know?

If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, you know I live in Florida. Well, stuff happens here in Florida that happens nowhere else. That is why I have a pheature on the Phile called...

Last weekend, a... you guessed it... Florida man was found peacefully dozing on the couch of a home he had broken into. The homeowner roused the 29 year old Timothy Bontrager around 7:30am and demanded to know what he was doing. He apologized and went on his way only to be scooped up by the police a little later. It turns out Bontrager had tuckered himself out pilfering credit cards and writing some personal checks to himself... the little guy had a big day and got too sweepy!

The 37th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Phile Alum Patricia Cox will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

Today's guest is an actress I am sure you have seen on TV in different commercials or TV shows. Recently she could be seen in the movie The Shower that she also produced. Please welcome to the Phile, the lovely... Rachael Drummond.

Me: Hi there, Rachael. I cannot believe I am interviewing you. How are you?

Rachael: I'm great, thank you, Jason! I'm honored and flattered to be asked.

Me: I first noticed you when you were on that Kayak commercial. You have done a lot of commercials though, right?

Rachael: I've been lucky to have acted in quite a few. I love it.

Me: Which one was your first?

Rachael: My first was a Progressive ad with Stephanie Courtney as Flo, it was a great experience! She is so hilarious and does a ton of improv on set.

Me: I have to show a picture of you from the Kayak commercial which I am sure everyone has seen...

Me: Okay, I have to ask, how did they do that commercial? I am guessing with quick edits to change your hair, right?

Rachael: So cool, right?! The hair is actually animated. We shot it both ways, one with crazy hair, one with nice hair, and I wore tracking dots on my face. I had to match my movements and then the animator worked his magic.

Me: Was that a fun commercial to do, Rachael?

Rachael: It was really fun, I even had a personal masseuse on that set. I thought the producers were kidding, they kept saying "do you need a break for a massage?" but it turned out to be a real thing to avoid an on-the-job injury from shaking my head for many, many takes. Maybe the producers spent enough time head banging in mosh pits in the 90s to remember the pain...

Me: Haha. How many takes did you have to do to get it right?

Rachael: I didn't count, I should have! The hair stylist is the award winning Yuichi Kojima. His website is yuichikojima.com. He spent 4 hours creating the styles and then had to re-sculpt them after each take because I'd totally screw them up each time. He'd probably say we did a million takes.

Me: You did a number of Toyota commercials... and one I have to mention is this black and white commercial where you are rapping. Was that fun to do?

Rachael: So much fun! I was 5 weeks pregnant so I was nauseated but having a blast.

Me: Do you sing at all, Rachael?

Rachael: I like to sing but no one likes to hear me sing. So... yes!

Me: Was that rapping hard to do? You certainly had the moves down. More than I could of done.

Rachael: It was actually lip synching and the director, Jody Hill, was so frustrated with my white-girl moves. He said at one point, "can you not move your arms and dance at the same time?" Haha! But you can actually hear me rapping in some "Hilary Clinton Raps" videos my husband and I made during the democratic primaries 8 years ago...

Me: Alright, Rachael, where are you from?

Rachael: Originally from Sonoma, CA.

Me: Are you based in California now?

Rachael: Yes, Los Angeles.

Me: You are married with kids, right? How old are they?

Rachael: I am! My kids are 2 and 4 going on 53 and 14, respectively.

Me: What do you think of your acting?

Rachael: Wow, I've never been asked that. I think it varies from project to project. Sometimes I watch myself and cringe and sometimes I'm pleased.

Me: Haha. I was meant to ask what do your children think of your acting.

Rachael: Ooh! My kids are always just worried when I cry or act scared. So we talk about pretending a lot. When I get home from shoots or auditions they say "were you scared? Did you cry?" But they love that I was the mayor of the fresh beats on "The Fresh Beat Band."

Me: Did you always want to be an actress or comedian?

Rachael: Yes. Since I was 13 and my best friend informed me we'd be actresses. I was quite the follower, evidently.

Me: You do mostly comedy, am I right?

Rachael: Yes, it's so cheesy to say but making people laugh is the greatest joy.

Me: Did you study acting or comedy anywhere?

Rachael: I was in acting class throughout junior high and high school. I studied acting at Boston University. In Los Angeles I studied comedy at Groudlings and iO West, and I've always stayed in acting class as well. Acting isn't something you just learn and then do. You have to keep practicing and developing or you get rusty.

Me: I tried my band at stand up comedy years ago but gave up... kinda wish I didn't. A lot of people told me I should do improve and I thought of it. You're in an improve group called Trophy Wife. How long have you been part of that group, Rachael?

Rachael: Trophy Wife was a MainStage team at iO West since 2005. I joined in 2007. I highly recommend improv, it's scary but so rewarding, fun, thrilling... You should do it!

Me: Do you like doing improve?

Rachael: I love it. And I think most of my work professionally as an actor is because I'm an improviser. Improv hones storytelling skills for sure.

Me: Where do you guys perform? We are on hiatus now but our website is trophywifeimprov.com you can always check for updates.

Me: Apart from doing the commercial work and the improv, you have been in a few TV shows. I saw the clip of you in "Parks and Rec" which was funny. How was Chris Pratt to work with?

Rachael: Chris Pratt was great to work with. We just stood across from each other at the permits desk, it was a quick scene. But he was very friendly and so funny.

Me: Is there anyone you worked with that you were starstruck?

Rachael: I'm in a Clorox spot right now with Nora Dunn and I've idolized her for years. I did a monologue from her one woman show for... decades. So I was starstruck when I met her. We got to do a little improv and something I said made her laugh and I felt like I'd won the lottery.

Me: Cool. I have a picture of you and Nora from that commercial I think...

Me: And is there anyone you have worked with that you wish you haven't? I myself have worked at Disney World and I have to say there's been a shit load of people I wish I didn't work with, but a lot I am glad I did work with.

Rachael: Haha... oh I bet you have great stories. No one comes to mind so I guess I'm lucky. I gotta get some good dirt on people!

Me: You did a commercial that was directed by the late Philip Seymour Hoffman. I didn't know he directed. What was that commercial for and what was he like as a director?

Rachael: It was for People's United Bank and he was amazing. He hung out with the actors, I guess out of habit. We got to have lunch with him and talk about acting and families. He wanted to direct more movies and was getting experience on the commercial front.

Me: So, do you do a lot of auditions for parts? What was the easiest and hardest audition you had to do?

Rachael: Crying auditions are the hardest. The easiest are the ones I prepare a lot for. Like a comedy that I get a lot of coaching on and feel really confident when I go in. Then it becomes fun like playing.

Me: Okay, let's talk about The Shower. That's a horror movie that you produced, am I right?

Rachael: Yes!

Me: Is that one of your favorite genres... horror?

Rachael: Noooooo! I'm so scared of scary movies.

Me: You not only produce this film but you star in it. How did you become apart of this?

Rachael: Classic story... sleeping with the director. My husband wrote and directed it.

Me: Did you cast yourself, or were cast ad then went and produced it?

Rachael: The part was written for me by the person who knows me best, what a dream for an actor. 

Me: Tell the readers what it's about, Rachael.

Rachael: It's about a group of friends who get trapped at a baby shower when a mysterious illness starts turning people into homicidal maniacs.

Me: When I first heard of it, I thought it was about an actual shower... not a baby shower. But I'm an idiot. Haha. Anyway, it's been getting a lot of positive reviews and won a few awards. You must be proud of it, am I right?

Rachael: I love it, we made a movie with a bunch of our friends we worked with in a restaurant. So it feels great to get awards and now distribution.

Me: When was it made, Rachael?

Rachael: We shot it in 2012. I was pregnant with my daughter and went into labor after I got out of the makeup chair on day 7 of our 8-day shoot. That threw a little wrench in the process...

Me: Oh, wow. More importantly where can a Phile reader see it?

Rachael: We just got distribution so we are hoping it will be available on VOD very soon.

Me: So, are you gonna be making any other films?

Rachael: Yes! We want to shoot another one this year.

Me: Is there any new commercials we can look for you in that are coming out?

Rachael: Clorox is the newest, check out me and my BFF Nora Dunn...

Me: Alright, so, here on the Phile I ask random questions thanks to Tabletopics. Ready? I don't get this one... why would you rather be a girl or a boy? That makes no bloody sense.

Rachael: Oh I'd MUCH rather be a girl, thank you! Girls rule. Boys drool. You're right, no bloody sense.

Me: Thanks so much for being on the Phile, I hope it was fun and I hope you will come back again soon. Go ahead and mention your websites, Rachael.

Rachael: Thank you! You ask great questions. RachaelDrummond.com, TheShowerTheMovie.com,  and my husband Alex Drummond's blog is a kick for filmmakers: WaiterDirector.com. My Twitter handle is @mommyactress.

Me: Cool, Rachael. And if you ever make it to Orlando I'll take you and your family to Disney. Take care, continued success.

Rachael: Deal! Thanks Jason, take care!

Man, that was a great interview. I love that Kayak commercial for some reason. Alright, that about does it for this entry. Thanks to Rachael Drummond. The Phile will be back next Saturday with Jean Paul Makhlouf from the dance band Cash Cash. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker