Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. Tuesday was a day that many of us have scream-prayed for over the past couple years while scrolling through an endless abyss of Trump tweets and news stories. Many of us thought this day would come come following Mueller's testimony; others thought the series of sexual assault allegations against Trump would tip the scale. And still, we waited. Well, it looks like the news of Trump pressuring the Ukrainian government to dig up dirt on Joe Biden ahead of the 2020 election has toppled the camel's back. So, Tuesday, at 5 p.m., House Speaker Nancy Pelosi officially announced the beginning of impeachment proceedings. Impeachment itself is a complicated process that involves several stages... and starting the inquiry doesn't mean the president will be booted. I'll explain all in a bit...
Greta Thunberg has managed to get the world's attention on the subject of climate change. So naturally, the 16-year-old activist has been mocked, dismissed and bullied online by full-grown adults who don't believe in science or human decency. What's worst than cyber-bullying a teenaged girl for trying to save the world? Calling her a Nazi in the process. That's exactly what right-wing political commentator/full-time troll Dinesh D'Souza did in a recent tweet, in which he used the color of Greta's cheeks and the color and style of her hair to compare her to Nazi propaganda.
Thunberg didn't respond, probably because she was too busy giving a speech to world leaders at the U.N. Climate Action Summit and trying to save the goddamned world. But people on Twitter, most of whom are sitting around in our sweatpants doing absolutely nothing, rose to the task of defending her and dragging D'Souza's very, very, very bad tweet. A decent person would apologize for the tweet, after deleting it. But as many have pointed out, Dinesh D'Souza is not a decent person. But someone who is a decent person is Greta Thunberg. You can watch the speech she gave at the U.N. here... youtube.com/watch?v=v33ro5lGHQg&feature=youtu.be. But finish reading the Phile first.
We live in a golden age of terrible takes, but this is the absolute worst take. A libertarian podcaster is getting ratio'ed and shamed for his thesis that people who support Greta Thunberg's environmental activism then should be on board with child rape. My fingers hurt from typing that, but don't shoot the paraphraser!
You might recall that Jeffrey Epstein is the recently deceased convicted pedophile and sex trafficker whose friends include Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, and now Satan. Over 8,000 people have taken to the comments to say "what the absolute fuck is wrong with you, dude." Seriously, what is wrong with you? Murphy, like many libertarian trolls before him, is grateful for the attention and posted a smug video. "I'd like to thank you all for appreciating my content, there's lots more than that came from," he laughed, wearing a shirt with an American eagle. He went on to boast that since going viral for being a pedophile apologist, he sold a whopping $30 worth of books. Good job, guy! "If you're old enough to have an opinion, then you're old enough to fuck" is a great platform on which to launch your career. Congrats on the future contract with Fox News!
Speaking of... Fox News has issued an apology after guest Michael Knowles made fun of Greta Thunberg by calling her a "mentally ill Swedish child." Hours later after her speech on Monday, the speech was the subject of a segment on Fox News' "The Story," where the Conservative host of "The Daily Wire" Michael Knowles sparred with the Democrat podcast host Chris Hahn. The segment quickly got heated and inappropriate when Knowles began railing about how the "climate hysteria movement" isn't led by science (despite the fact that 97 percent of scientists DO back it), but instead fronted by Thunberg. This of course, ignores all of the scientists who have been fighting for climate justice, the Indigenous activists who have been on the front lines for decades, and the fact that Thunberg never asked to be the poster child. All of this, while insulting a teenager who just wants to save the world before it drowns. "The climate hysteria movement is not about science. If it were about science, it would be led by scientists, rather than by politicians and a mentally ill Swedish child who is being exploited by her parents and by the international left," Knowles said. Knowles' attack on Thunberg, and the climate movement as a whole, was quickly met with fiery derision from Hahn. "Relax, skinny boy. I got this," Hahn said as Knowles began to interrupt. "You're attacking a child. You're a grown man." Knowles continued, claiming that Thunberg is being exploited by her parents and the movement, "She is mentally ill. She has autism. She has obsessive compulsive disorder, she has selective mutism. She had depression." Hahn told Knowles he should "be ashamed" and pointed out how low it was to bring up Thunberg's ASD diagnosis as a way to deflect the real danger of climate change. "The comment made by Michael Knowles who was a guest on 'The Story' tonight was disgraceful... we apologize to Greta Thunberg and to our viewers,” a Fox News spokesperson said. Fox News also made it clear they don't intend to have Knowles back on the show. However, the same fervor has yet to be applied to the nightmare Fox News host Laura Ingraham, who that same night compared Thunberg's speech to The Children of the Corn. Ingraham's immature attack on a teen trying to clean up the planet was so cruel and needless her own brother called her out online. If Fox News is truly sorry about the comments made by Knowles, then firing Ingraham should be a swift and logical follow-up action, there's already a hashtag trending to support that decision: #FireLauraIngraham.
Okay, let's talk about some stupid stuff for a minute and then I'll explain the process of impeachment. Have you heard about the new Antonio Brown and Tom Brady movie that is coming out? I have the poster here...
Man, they're remaking so many movies now. Haha. Ever go to a museum and see a painting that looks like you? It happened to this guy...
He looks the same! Do toy like Hot Pockets? Well, there's a brand new flavor that just came out.
he's a full blooded sharpie. Hahahahahahaha. If I had a TARDIS I would go and try to meet the Beatles but knowing my luck I'll get there right when their last photo shoot is ending and they all fo their separate ways.
That really is a pic of their last photo shoot. If you're thinking of cheating on your loved ones you might wanna think twice after seeing this...
Do you remember reading Dr. Seuss books as a kid? Well, there's one book you might not remember...
Dr. Seuss's wacky book of ass whoopin's. My fave! There were some signs from the Global Climate Strike to give you hope for the future...
Some were pretty snarky...
Ha! So, one of the best things about the Internet is you can see porn easily and for free. But if you're at school or work you can get in trouble. So I came up with a solution.
You are welcome. Okay, it's Thursday, people. You know what that means...
Yeesh. That's sick looking and not in a good way. Okay, so let me explain the process of impeachment before we continue.
It's happening. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has announced that the House of Representatives will launch a formal impeachment inquiry into Donald Trump, raising the stakes on ongoing investigations and giving the House more homework. With so many impeachable offenses to choose from, Pelosi cited one as her reason for upping the ante: the whistleblower complaint about Trump's call with the president of Ukraine. Trump openly admitted to urging Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky about Joe Biden and his son in order to weaken Biden's presidential campaign. Days before, Trump told his Chief of Staff to withhold military aid to Ukraine setting up a possible quid-pro-quo. Here's what you need to know. What even is "impeachment"? Are there peaches involved? Impeachment has nothing to do with fruit, but everything to do with the Constitution's remedy for holding presidents accountable. The Constitution tasks the Legislative Branch (aka Congress) with oversight of the Executive Branch (aka the president). Article II, Section 4 says, “The President, Vice President and all Civil Officers of the United States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.” Congress has the sole authority to punish the president, but it takes a lot to get there. How does it work? In the past, the House Judiciary Committee has held investigations, and then recommend articles of impeachment... basically a presidential rap sheet... to the whole House. The investigations often involve hearings, broadcasted on TV for everyone to see. Then the House votes on whether or not to kick the alleged criminal out of the White House. Much like how a bill needs to pass both the House and Senate in order to become law, the Senate has to put its stamp on impeachment, through what is known as an impeachment trial. An impeachment trial is like a regular criminal trial, but rather than a judge, its overseen by the chief justice of the Supreme Court (and the defendant is the frickin' president). Has a president ever been impeached before? You may remember from Bill Clinton in 1998... or Andrew Johnson in 1868 if you're magically that old... that presidents have been impeached in the House, only to be acquitted to be Senate. Richard Nixon decided to resign rather than endure the process, literally peacing out on the White House lawn. What is even the point of going through this process if the Senate is stacked with Republican cronies? Impeachment is not only a process through which to remove a president. There are benefits to the journey... not just the destination. Democrats have the opportunity to control the news cycle, rather than let the national news be determined by whatever Trump tweets on the toilet. As TV critic James Poniewozik notes, impeachment hearings make for must see TV. They give Democrats the opportunity to air out Trump's crimes for everyone to see, making them impossible to ignore going into the 2020 election. There's also something to telling Trump that his behavior is unacceptable, and warning future presidents not to run wild with power. As Pelosi said in her statement, "no one is above the law." Plus, there is still a slight possibility that Republicans will stand up to Trump, even if it's only to save their own asses. Not everybody in the country wears a MAGA hat, and Republicans are up for reelection, too. Oh, and this should hopefully temper Trump's behavior going into 2020. In a piece for Vox.com, Zack Beauchamp wrote about how the Ukraine scandal makes a better case for impeachment the Russia one. "The goal is no longer retrospective accountability, holding the president responsible for past misdeeds. It is stopping his current behavior. The hope would be that impeachment would bring so much attention and scrutiny to Trump’s Ukraine push that he cannot get away with undermining yet another election." In conclusion, buckle up. It's going to be a crazy year of this...
Okay, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.
Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile. I was gonna start off here by gloating that the Giants finally won, but in reality they were lucky... they only won by one point. How are you?
Jeff: So glad to be back here on the Phile to talk some phootball. I'm doing alright. How's it going for you?
Me: I'm doing good.
Jeff: Yup. The Giants won a single game all season. Which granted is more than I can say about the Steelers. Both teams are struggling both on the field and with injuries off the field. More on that later.
Me: I have to say your Steelers are...
Me: Hahaha. But that's not gonna last long I am thinking.
Jeff: Oh, that's funny. Owen Wilson and a tree. 0-3. Oh... call 911. I'm having a heart attack. I'm laughing so hard...
Me: Hahahaha. So, did you see how fast Daniel Jones ran in Sunday's Giants game? He's fast.
Jeff: Yeah, I saw how fast Jones ran. Eli couldn't run that fast. Then again, Eli had 7 rushing touchdowns in 15 years. Daniel Jones already almost has half that total (2) in one game. Eli never had a season where he rushed for more than a touchdown.
Me: So, what do you think Eli will do now?
Jeff: I honestly think Eli will retire at the end of the season. He had a great career but eventually everyone has to go out.
Me: I agree. As I mentioned on Monday's entry during the second quarter of today’s Bucs-Giants game in Tampa, Giants RB Saquon Barkley suffered what looks like a scary ankle/lower leg injury after landing awkwardly. Do you think he'll be okay?
Jeff: According to doctors, it's a high ankle sprain that will keep him out between 4-8 weeks but most reports are saying it will be closer to 8-10. My fantasy football team just took a hit!
Me: Did you see the Giants TE Evan Engram make that sick one-handed grab? Daniel Jones is making his first career start and if he’s going to have a lot of success in this league, having a WR like Evan Engram is much needed.
Jeff: Luckily I have Engram on my team so of course I saw that catch. It was awesome. Definitely have a target like Engram will help a young QB like Jones. Since you know there's no Barkley to hand the ball off to or Beckham to throw to...
Me: Okay, let's talk about Antonio Brown. Are you surprised he only was with the Patriots for one game and 13 days? If you woke up this morning hoping for no more Antonio Brown drama, I’m afraid I have some bad news. Not only did AB “retire” from NFL but he also called out Robert Kraft on his way out.
Jeff: Here we go with some more Brown talk! No, he tweeted he was done playing in the NFL since contracts can be voided. Because it's much different than when a player requests a trade even though he was signed to play for another team. Brown is a hypocrite. I don't know any team that would want to sign him. Hell, if New England who had a history of taking troubled players and making them work couldn't handle AB, no one will. And then he made attacks against Bob Kraft and Big Ben which he would later delete. I think you said it best, he'd be better off going to the XFL. Vince McMahon loves his colorful characters.
Me: What makes me wonder about him is he was under the radar all this time when he played for the Steelers and now he's the number one player in the news... for bad reasons.
Jeff: He was under the radar for you when he was in Pittsburgh but not for fans of the team. He made circus catches like Beckham did before him. He was our number one receiver for many years, but two years ago he started to crack when Juju Smith-Shuster started to play well. He didn't want to share the spotlight.
Me: The latest with him is he was ordered by a judge to appear in deposition on a civil lawsuit for trashing a condo. What else is gonna go wrong for this guy?
Jeff: I don't even want to know what else he could do to grab headlines. Just ignore him.
Me: Man, those poor Dolphins. Miami Dolphins tickets are so low right now you can stand on the field with the coaches and call two plays for $75. Do you think they will get better?
Jeff: The thing is the Dolphins don't want to seem to get better. If they keep playing poorly they already have two first round picks. Many people think the Dolphins are tanking the season and that's just pathetic.
Me: Okay, another team is back in America with a more patriotic logo and name...
Me: What do you think?
Jeff: Nice! I like that one. Just make sure that plane doesn't go to the Ukraine or Iran for Donnie Trump!
Me: Haha. What NFL news do you have?
Jeff: As messed up as the Antonio Brown saga is, there is another saga going around involving Jalen Ramsey in Jacksonville. He's their star cornerback but he's had issues with the owner so he's asked to be traded. He played in the Thursday night game which everyone said would probably be his last. Monday morning comes along and Ramsey "calls in sick" and "probably won't be there for the rest of the week." Just another prima donna in the NFL
Me: Okay, so how did we do last week? I must be in the lead now, right?
Jeff: Remember your Owen Wilson tree joke from earlier? I went 2-0 with a Steeler loss and you went... Owen and 2 with a Giant win. So no, you're not in the lead. We're not tied. I'M IN THE LEAD, SUCKA!!!!!!! It's 8-5.
Me: UGH!!! Let's do this weeks picks. I say... Chargers by 21 and Panthers by 2. What do you say?
Jeff: My picks are Chiefs by 7 and Seahawks by 14.
Me: Okay, I will see you here next Thursday, Jeff. Have a good week.
Jeff: See you next week!
If you spot the Mindphuck and you should let me know.
From sex on the beach to dead on her feet! This juxtaposition almost makes me feel bad, but the truth must be told! Also, THE BABY’S MOUTH IS WIDE OPEN TOO... OMG. Haha. There's this local guy who is really fancy and likes to come by the Phile once in a while. He's here again today, so please welcome back...
Me: Hello, Samual, welcome back to the Phile.
Samual: Hello, dear Jason. Good to be here.
Me: So, what's new?
Samual: I just was at the store and wanted to tell your readers about the most wonderful thing I just purchased...
Me: What is it?
Samual: Colored bath oil ball that came in a gold foil box that dissolve in the bath. I can't wait to try them later.
Me: Hmmm... okay...
Samual: Have you ever tried them?
Me: Ummm... nope.
Samual: You should, Jason.
Me: I don't have a bathtub in my new place so I can't.
Samual: That's a shame. I also found some frilly toothpicks. They're fancy!
Me: If you say so.
Samual: I do. Well, I'm going to go off now and have dinner.
Me: Nice. Where are you going to eat?
Samual: The fanciest restaurant in town of course... the Olive Garden!
Me: Alright. Have fun. Samual Phancy, the fanciest man in town, kids.
On Monday's entry I told you this riddle... A man was killed in his office. Before dying, the victim managed to pull out the knife from his abdomen, nail to to a calendar, and write 6,4,9,10,11 with his blood. The suspects were Sophie, Jason, Nick, Julie, and Paul. Who is the killer? A lot of you got the answer right but those that didn't I will tell you. The killer is Jason. The numbers represent the starting letter of the month they stand for in a calendar: 6-June, 4-April, 9-September, 10-October, 11-November. Good job, everyone that got it right. And just for the record... I didn't kill anybody. Haha.
By now, you are more than likely familiar with the internet proverb: there is an old Trump tweet for everything. Whether it's an old Yankees tweet insulting Obama (what a word salad), a reference to his beef with Rosie O'Donnell, or a creepily relevant political cartoon from five years ago, past Trump was something of a prophet. And for the most part, his 140 character prophesies expose his own hypocrisy. Each time it seems the well of old Trump tweets may have run dry, another relevant one resurfaces from the archives. Yesterday morning, people on Twitter were marveling (and eye-rolling) at an old Trump tweet that perfectly prophesies his own impeachment inquiry. He tweeted, "Are you allowed to impeach a president for gross incompetence?" The 2014 tweet was obviously written as a dig at Obama, but sums up how many of us feel about Trump as president. Naturally, the old Trump tweet has been flooded with fresh mentions after Nancy Pelosi announced the launch of a formal impeachment inquiry on Tuesday afternoon. In the year 2019, there is an old Trump tweet for everything. While his old tweet is making the rounds, Trump is not handling the news of his impeachment inquiry very well. His series of predictably unhinged tweets started with an all caps banger, and have progressed into a series of posts lamenting the "witch hunt" being carried out. In true keeping with his brand, Trump made claims that no president has been treated as badly as him. He also went on to claim his call with the Ukrainian President (the conversation that inspired the impeachment inquiry), was "a perfect call." Technically, Trump's call with the Ukrainian President was "a perfect call" when it came to giving the final kick in the pants needed to launch an impeachment inquiry.
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant and as the food was served the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat." His wife replied, "Honey, you always say prayer before eating at home." He said, "That's a home, sweetheart, here the chef knows how to cook."
Me: Hey, Ben, welcome to the Phile. I have been a fan of yours since I first heard "Underground" in the 90s. How are you?
Ben: Hey. I'm good. Glad to be here.
Me: So, the first thing I have to ask before I forget is the story you wrote in the book is when you were on Letterman in 2005 and you performed your song "Landed" and after you were finished, you grabbed a stool and slammed it into the piano, like a rock star might smash a guitar. Tell the readers what was Letterman's reaction.
Ben: He seemed confused but seemed sort of scolding me which I sort of understood because I was saying in the book the thing about being a rock and roll piano player, there haven't been many of us, is that it's not a rock and roll instrument. It's living room furniture, normally for the middle class. That's the way it was always looked at, if I went to a house in the south and there's a piano in there and it's not really rock and roll. If I was really going to be a rock and roll musician playing the piano seems I always have to sacrifice the instrument to a degree just to show you're in the club.
Me: So, why did you throw the stool?
Ben: Well, that was pretty memorable for me because 1) I hate doing television because it makes me nervous. The overwhelming sentiment I get from playing mid-tempo piano songs on television is that it's valuable air time and I'm eating it up. I do these things and it's very forgettable and I walk off and it was done and I can't walk up for it really and it's just very impersonal. I don't want to complain about it too much because it is good exposure for my music and I'm always happy to do them at the end of the day but they're not comfortable. So I thought at the end of the song no one is going to care about this but if I was to throw the stool at the keyboard at the end like I do joking around live maybe that would make it stick out a little bit.
Me: So, after you did that what did Letterman do?
Ben: Of course that's not the first time I played Letterman, I played on there about six times I think. That's the first time I had met him, he never came across to say hello to anybody, he was pretty focused. He made a bee line to me and I was like oh wow, here comes David Letterman.
Me: Was he coming over to you to stop what you were doing?
Ben: He came over walking towards me, the cameras were off by then, they went to commercial and he said, "Why did you do that?"
Me: Haha. What did you say?
Ben: "Uhhh... show biz, dude." He said, "That doesn't make any sense. Are you upset?" I said, "No." "Well, why would you do that?" "I thought it would punctuate the song at the end, make people remember it or something." And he said, "That doesn't make sense. Did we do something to upset you? Did my producer or somebody or I upset you?" I was like I'm sorry.
Me: I love Letterman stories, Ben, and I love this story. Why did you put this story in the book?
Ben: The reason I put it in the book was to show the perception of the piano it's different. For David Letterman that's plenty irrelevant, that's not the issue, he would understand it from that point of view. But he's a Midwesterner of his era and I'm sure that looks like disrespect to his grandmother's furniture.
Me: Do you think of it was a guitar it would've been fine?
Ben: Yeah, but this just looks like I'm putting a heirloom or something on television and smashing it with a sledgehammer to him. He's definitely opinionated to what's funny and what's not and that's what I figured was comically lewd and unnecessary.
Me: Your book is called A Dream About Lightning Bugs... Did you really have a dream about lightning bugs?
Ben: Yeah, when I was a kid.
Me: So, what happened?
Ben: I remember in the dream being in the backyard with a lot of little kids, probably a birthday party, probably mine... I was the center of the universe when I was 3-years-old. I was able to see all of the lightning bugs. It was a warm night and I remember the dream. The other kids couldn't see them unless I pointed them and then when I pointed them out they were like oh, that's amazing. It made them happy as they were following me and I was bottling them, I put them into little jars and handed them out to people. As soon as I pointed them out they could see them which was the main thing about the dream.
Me: Okay, but why this particular dream? I'm sure you had more exciting dreams in your life than bottling lightning bugs.
Ben: Yeah. I sort of as an adult as it really stuck with me have come to see the dream as an interesting metaphor for art. You see the thing, it glows for me, and I bottle it. It doesn't mean that I'm some chosen lightning bug prophet. What it means is that's the thing I see, because the other kids might've seen clouds rolling in or they might've seen the stars, or they might've seen blades of grease. If they pointed them out to me I might've been really happy about that. I like the bottling part to because it's a life of learning how to bottle my ideas. That's the difficult part. Its easy enough to see them and then I have to do something about it.
Me: Did you talk about the dream with anyone?
Ben: I don't remember that. I don't remember mentioning the dream, no. There maybe some less parent time in that era too. We talk to kids more now. Back then it was, "Here's a stick and a bucket, go in the backyard. Everyone has dreams, Ben, just go back to the backyard."
Me: What was it like when you first started playing piano?
Ben: Well, it was really frustrating. It was exciting at night when my father rolled it in. He was doing some carpentry work on some old house and they paid him with a piano. He rolled the piano in I think with my uncle and they backed the truck up I think up to the porch and pulled it off. I was so excited but it was bed time, I can't touch it and I had to go to bed, I thought in the morning I was going to play a lot of songs on it because I've been listening to the radio and I know a lot of songs. Of course as soon as I sat down at the piano I didn't know what I was doing at all. It began a really frustrating career with the instrument, most of it for the first ten years playing piano it was marked by temper tantrums of things I cannot do.
Me: Ha. Did you ever take a stool to the piano back then?
Ben: No, that didn't occur to me until later. That's more theatrical. Honestly the stool doesn't really do anything to the piano normally, I took it out on myself more. I tried punching holes in the wall and twice broke my hand. I would throw things across the room. I was a total idiot. I was just a pain in the ass.
Me: So, what did you need back then to fix this attitude?
Ben: What I could've used is maybe a little better musical instruction probably at the time, I had really great teachers but one on one, that probably would've helped.
Me: You gave a lot of teachers a mention in the book. Who was the one that called you "dumb head"?
Ben: That was John "Chick" Shelton. Great man.
Me: Great man? He called you "dumb head," Ben. Why did he call you that?
Ben: He just talked to everyone like that.
Me: Were you offended when he did that?
Ben: He did it to everybody and we all laughed. He really loved us, he was awesome. That was his way. He was jazzer which was good for me because in 7th grade to start being around that kind of person. He came from an Army field band and he toured with big jazz bands and stuff so he was all rough and tumble that way and I learned a lot.
Me: Okay, I have to mention the song "Brick." What is that song about?
Ben: This is a story about high school abortion. And a true one.
Me: Do you think back to that time sometimes?
Ben: Well, I certainly did when I wrote the book. I did again when we got through the editing to track down my girlfriend from high school and made sure she saw it first.
Me: So, you took it to her? How was that?
Ben: Yeah, we did a brief talking about it. It was interesting to me to see her memory of it is, or what she took away from it, was she couldn't handle it. That she should've been able to handle the situation better and not lean on me, which I thought was an incredible thing to say. I thought she handled it amazingly. I think we were leaning on each other. A couple of kids get into that kind of trouble, just 16-years-old. Sixteen and seventeen, and just a few years before we were drawing things with crayons. Going outside for playtime. We were so young I don't know how she thinks she could've handled it.
Me: Apart from the book do you think about it often?
Ben: Yeah, I do occasionally. I think about it when I see the ever raging debate over it and the way people handle it. Kids in the situation so get caught in the middle. The poor thing had to go to school by the route of Planned Parenthood, people are always out with dead fetus posters and stuff, pointing at the road. Pretty rough thing for a kid to go through without that, then add that it's even worse.
Me: I think it seems that you both were really lucky to have each other, am I right?
Ben: Yeah, I suppose. I feel really lucky. Gosh, at 16-years-old I could've ended up with any kind of girlfriend or boyfriend. It's rather random. Yeah, what a cool person. We connected with each again recently, had a quick chat, not digging into anything too deep. It was the two of us and her husband, her husband was fantastic. Years later it was very interesting. Kind of sealed something up for the both of us which I think was special.
Me: So, I love your songs, Ben, your writing is always so clever and original. How do you do it?
Ben: I'm a student of observation. I take things in what I see, what I've experienced and then I take all that stuff that I observed and repackage it to a song.
Me: Hmmm. How do you explain that process?
Ben: Well, when I think about it in the way I just said it I think it makes it sound pretty impossible. Especially when I think of the restrictions of the space we have with lyrics and music. But I think what it is the beauty of songwriting or any art is heading to what glows and keep going. Because I'm getting to something I know anyway. It's not clear to me yet completely. Eventually if I keep doing things that make me feel right I get somewhere for me which is something I have described. But if I said to myself I have to write a song about this, it needs to capture these observations, it needs to be done in a certain methodical way I would find that impossible and the maze would be too great.
Me: Okay, so, if I dropped a pencil and wanted to write a song about it I would just say, "I dropped a Number 2, dropped some lead" or something lame like that. But if you wrote lyrics about a pencil dropping it'll be way more deep. Am I right?
Ben: Well, things occur to me about a pencil dropping. First of all you have a no brainer with gravity, that's it. The floor's in the way... where's it going? I'll think about yoga instructor that suggests you don't bend over too fast, you wish you hadn't done it to pick up a pencil so you hurt your back, you're getting old. Any image I see it's fun to play with a story around it. When one of the resonates then I go with it. Especially if it's catchy music in a way that I'll realize... the pencil falling on the floor is fantastic because I have a melody and for some reason that image is associated with that part of the melody. Where does that lead? So I try to find a couple of places where that would occur really quickly but that depends on the melody.
Me: See what I mean? You have worked with a lot of cool people, like William Shatner who was on the Phile once. What did you learn from working with him?
Ben: I leaned that... two big things come to mind. 1) It's not in the book, but why do the same take twice? All of us musicians do the same take twice. Why? We say could we do that again and we do the same thing. Because we think we almost had it, they want me to do it again and it was just missing some accuracy or something so we'd do it again. Bill doesn't do it the same way at all twice. Never. he refused to do that, doesn't know why we would do that. It's dangerous and I can't edit him. I can't screw with his timing, I cannot put two takes together, we just have to go for it. I just thought when the moment is right I'm passing him HIS lyrics. He wrote 50 pieces for me for that record. I would just find one, the musicians were assembled and I just started throwing instructions to the musicians.
Me: Ben, now that you're a musician what would you tell your younger self about becoming a rock musician?
Ben: I would tell my younger self, and this is a cop out, but I would tell them to read the book.
Me: Ha! Why is that?
Ben: Because it takes me that long to think to get there which is why I chose a book and not a song and not something shorter. What I did do at the end, because we all think what advice can I give my younger self, and that's always been a tough one for me because I don't want my younger self to skip any steps. So it's hard. I can tell certain individual things that come along. But even with kids I cringe with the advice I might be inclined to give them.
Me: Why is that?
Ben: Because it's been my experience. I think there's certain things I could simplify for sure but there're very specific. If my daughter said, "I've got this little G chord that I've been trying to play on the guitar." And I said, "No, no, no do to this way." Or "I think of dropping out of college." "Well, you got things to consider..." I make things too complicated so it's hard for me to say what I would tell my younger self. However, what I did try to do in the book is to see what my younger selves could tell me which is more useful. So I made a classroom full of all the different iterations of me on the way and I quizzed them about what music taught them in their life. That was really about the teacher getting the information for himself. My brain works that way, I have a hard time answering that. I would tell my kid to get some sleep. I would say, "You want to be a rock star? Make sure you get some sleep. And floss. You don't want to lose your teeth."
Me: Hahahaha. Ben, thanks for being on the Phile, Please come back again. You rock.
Ben: Thank you.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Ben Folds. I've been wanting him on the Phile for such a long time now. The Phile will be back on Monday with television writer Steve Young, who wrote for Letterman funny enough. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon
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