Lock him up! Lock him up! Oh, sorry, hey there, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Thursday. How are you? Better than Michael Cohen I bet. President Trump's former lawyer, Michael Cohen, has been sentenced to three years (or 109.5 Scaramuccis) in prison for crimes he committed on behalf of the president. The New York Times reports that Judge William H. Pauley III said that Cohen "had committed a 'smorgasbord' of crimes involving 'deception' and motivated by 'personal greed and ambition.'" Among the smorgasbord of crimes: setting up shell companies to buy the silence of Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, adult entertainers who allegedly had affairs with Trump; and lying to Congress about the Trump Organization's negotiations with Russians about a possible Trump Tower Moscow during the 2016 campaign. The stakes are high, as the president has officially been implicated in imprisonable offenses, meaning that the only thing preventing the president from going to prison for the crimes he committed to be elected president is the fact that he's president. Let's take a step back: the president's lawyer, longtime "fixer," and onetime Deputy Finance Chair of the Republican National Comittee is going to prison! That's frickin' insane! In jail... Cohen: "I’m in for three years." Bunch of black guys: "Us too. We all had a fingernail’s worth of weed. What’d you do?" Cohen: "Uhhh..."
President Trump isn't the only Russian asset in jeopardy. In one of the news's most bonkers B-plots yet, federal prosecutors charged Russian gun rights activist Maria Butina with conspiracy to act as an agent of Russia. The Washington Post reports that "Butina was accused of working to push the Kremlin’s agenda by forming bonds with National Rifle Association officials and other conservative leaders," and Monday she filed to change her plea to "guilty." Butina's lawyers insist that she was just really into guns, but as The Post explains, prosecutors charge that her "goal was to advance the foreign policy aims of the Kremlin and that she was acting at the direction of a Russian government official, Alexander Torshin, a former senator who now serves as deputy director of the Russian central bank." Butina's mission to advance Kremlin interests is separate from Russian interference with the 2016 election, but the plot lines did intersect a few times. In July 2015, soon after he launched his campaign, Butina got Trump to publicly declare that if elected, he would lift all sanctions on Russia. The Post also adds that Butina had briefly interacted with Don Jr. at the 2016 NRA convention, and that she hung out at a Styx concert with Trump campaign advisor J.D. Gordon. Styx. Seriously. Having someone who infiltrated their organization declare in court that they are indeed a Russian spy is bad news for the NRA. It could subject the NRA to scrutiny of any foreign ties and financing, and it couldn't have happened to a worse organization. Parkland families and people who hate gun violence are celebrating Butina's admission of guilt. Hopefully future historians will debate if it was Maria Butina, Moms Demand or the Parkland Kids who took out the NRA.
Conservatives are losing their absolute shit about the incoming Democratic House Majority, freaking out about every Rep.-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweet and over the fact that there will be Muslim women serving alongside their beloved bigots. While a lot of Republicans insist that their disdain for Democrats comes down to disagreements on policy, Fox News pundit and Pair of Pantyhose Filled With Bees Ann Coulter isn't even pretending not to be a bigot anymore. Tuesday night on Laura Ingraham's show, Coulter described what she sees as the Democratic coalition, and it's offensive to almost everybody! Coulter wants you to be afraid of: Muslims Jews "Exotic sexual groups" (sounds hot), Black church ladies College queers (nice!)... because these "others" are allegedly united in their absolute hatred for white men, because the world is a zero-sum game. Other groups existing is inherently threatening to white dudes, and you should be suspicious of everyone who doesn't look and act exactly like Mike Pence! Ann Coulter started trending on Twitter, because it is truly terrifying that this straight-up hatemongering is allowed on TV, and is currently poisoning your grandparents' brains. Some people are insisting that people of all different backgrounds can get along without some insidious anti-white agenda. Coulter is doubling down on her thesis, and throwing in some slurs for some extra attention. If only spreading hate wasn't so lucrative.
Apparently someone has dared to make the comparison that the stigma of being conservative is the same as the stigma of being gay. There's truly a lot to unpack here so let's just dive in, shall we? An article published by The Federalist titled, "The Stigma Against My Conservative Politics Is Worse Than the Stigma of Being Gay," is rightfully being trolled by the Internet because it is, well, a fully ridiculous comparison. Last time I checked, conservatives didn't have to fight for years for the right to get married. Gay people have to worry about discrimination, getting beaten to death, or driven to suicide, but Melania got made fun of for her blood tree decorations so it's all equal, right? The author, Chad Felix Greene, is openly gay himself and, you guessed it, a conservative. The main points he desperately attempts are that social media platforms protect the gay community but not the conservative community, people tell conservatives to hide and not "flaunt" their beliefs in the same way gay people are sometimes told to tone down their sexuality, and the influence of Milo Yiannopoulos. The article completely falls off the logic rails, though, when Greene writes, "But just as I did not choose to be gay, I did not choose to be conservative. My political evolution happened over time as I came to realize that I valued truth and reason over narrative and emotion. I became an outspoken voice on the right because I felt I had no other choice than to speak up and shout the truth, despite overwhelming pressure from the media." Yes, he didn't choose to be gay. However, he did choose to be conservative, because that's just how beliefs and opinions work. He even explains his "political evolution" of seeing both sides, evaluating what mattered to him, and then making an informed decision. In other words, he says it wasn't a choice and then explains the process of making a choice. Nobody is ever born screaming, "strength in the border!" except maybe Tomi Lahren. So, is "conservative" the new "gay?" Hard no. Unless this is one of those situations where we replace the slang and offensive use of gay as "lame" with the word "conservative." "Hey man, that shirt is so conservative." "Oh my god, The Notebook is so conservative!"
The tabloids are working super hard to make a feud between Meghan, Duchess of Sussex and her sister-in-law Kate Middleton happen and are also keeping busy by reporting on various royal staffers' resignations. As if those plot lines and the royal baby bump weren't giving people enough to talk about, Meghan's dad Thomas Markle started kvetching to The Daily Mail again, which is probably why he's getting the silent treatment in the first place. "Everyone says, why don’t I just shut the fuck up? That Meghan can’t speak to me because I’ll give away secrets. But that’s bullshit," he told The Mail. "I’ve been accused of every terrible thing you can think of. In one magazine they had an awful story about Prince Charles right beside one about me. But no one is shunning Prince Charles." He also threw shade at Prince Harry, which probably won't help his cause. "I’ve pleaded with her to pick up the phone. I wrote her a two-page letter and sent it by certified mail via her representative in Los Angeles. I asked her why she was believing the lies. I also pointed out the Royals haven’t always been perfectly behaved. I wrote that I’ve never played pool naked, nor have I dressed up as a Nazi." That's a reference to Harry’s infamous pictures in Las Vegas in 2012 and the time that he wore a crude imitation of a Nazi uniform, including a swastika armband, in 2005. Damn. Mr. Markle further proved his commitment to selling her out by sharing cards his daughter had given him, which definitely proves one thing: the former calligrapher does indeed have excellent handwriting. He's also saying that Meghan gave out weed at her first wedding in Jamaica, which sounds way more fun than her stuffy old second one.
So, I think it's nice that sometimes people get their asses saved by a total stranger. Not all humans are the worst. Like this subway performer who shares his tips with the homeless...
That's cool, right? If I had a TARDIS I would like to go to the Louvre in Paris and see Da Vinci’s Mona Lisa but knowing my luck I'd get there right when it is returned after World War II...
You know what makes me laugh? Old people wearing inappropriate t-shirts...
So, do you need present ideas for your wife or girlfriend? I'm here to help. How about eggnog soap?
The man tried to keep eggnog down. He tried to pigeonhole it as a "holiday beverage." But eggnog could not be contained! It has cast aside those artificial limitations and emerged as an aromatic cleaning agent for both hands and body. Keep a bar of this Eggnog Soap for $9.95 in your bathroom year-round for those times when you could use a little holly jolly good cheer. Actually, I want a bar of that myself. Hint. Hint. Did you see the new trailer for the next Avengers movie yet? I haven't but will watch it in a minute. I did see what the Hulk looks like in the movie though. Here he is in case you didn't see it.
Hahahaha. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...
Ha. It's Thursday, kids, you know what that means, right?
That's not to bad of a pic but still... what the fuck. Yeesh. Alright, it's time to talk football with my good friend Jeff.
Me: Hey, Jeff, welcome back to the Phile. Can you believe this football regular season is almost over?
Jeff: Hey, Jason, good to be back on the Phile. Yeah, this year has really flown by. We've seen a lot of good football this year, and we've seen a lot of Jags games too.
Me: Haha. It’s safe to say Patriots fans are still in shock after what the Dolphins somehow managed in the final seconds of their game Sunday. Were you surprised the Patriots lost?
Jeff: For whatever reason, Brady struggles when they are in Miami. But that game was just incredible. I was watching live. I couldn't believe that actually worked!
Me: Patriots fans are so stupid. Did you see some of them burn Tom Brady's jersey after losing to the Dolphins?
Jeff: I never understood the point of burning someone's jersey. Jerseys are expensive! He lost a game. It's not like he signed with the Jets or something. People are dumb.
Me: What NFL news do you have?
Jeff: There's not a lot of news right now. The Kansas City Chiefs are the third team to clinch a playoff spot by winning their division. They join the Rams and the Saints who are all in the playoffs officially. And with only three games left it's going to be a crazy finish. We saw several crazy finishes last week, not including the Steelers choking. The Cowboys barely held on against the Eagles. The Ravens took the Chiefs into overtime as well.
Me: So, Britain has taken over another team, Jeff...
Me: What do you think?
Jeff: I was once attacked by a stonking tweety bird. I don't want to talk about it.
Me: Okay... ha. So, how did we do last week? The Giants creamed the Redskins big time, right?
Jeff: The Giants did win, the Steelers did lose. We both went 1-1 in our picks so you gained another point on me! The score is now 35-33 me! Close season this year!
Me: Dang! Okay, let's pick this weeks games. I say Jets by 4 and Lions by 5. What do you say?
Jeff: My picks are Houston by 5 and Seattle by 5.
Me: Alright, I will see you back here next Wednesday for the Phile's annual Christmas entry. Have a good week.
Jeff: See you next week!
You don't have to be British to laugh at this meme but it'll help...
Hahahahaha. That's funny. You know what they say, the true spirit of Christmas is... taking children's toys and creating truly haunting practical jokes. Between trying to explain to children that there's an old man watching and recording their behavior all the time, a magical workshop in the (now melting) North Pole, a talking snowman, ghosts of Christmas past, and flying reindeer, it's a lot to take in. And that's not even considering the whole virgin birth situation. As if Santa wasn't difficult enough to sell, "Elf on the Shelf" has required parents to do magic work not only on Christmas Eve, but also every day of December. Luckily for our entertainment, though, some parents took a break from placing the toys in adorable situations and got creative and dark with their elves. I'm assuming kids didn't have to witness some this, but they're all pretty great. So, here's a new pheature called...
He's tripping. Haha.
This is easy, but if you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...
Top Phive Police Quotes
5. The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.
4. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
3. So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?
2. Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
And the number one police quote is...
1. Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”
Phact 1. The “Sailors’ Handshake” is a special handshake that can detect if a potential partner has Syphilis.
Phact 2. After World War II, Denmark declined an offer of $100,000,000 from the United States to buy Greenland.
Phact 3. Haskell Free Library is built on the U.S./Canadian border. Exiting the library through the opposite entrance requires one to report to the country’s customs thereafter.
Phact 4. There was a Museum of Menstruation with over 4000 items related to menstruation and it was the only collection of its kind in the world. It closed in 1998.
Phact 5. In North Carolina, a 59-year-old man homeless with a clean record once held up a bank for $1 with the purpose of being sent to prison to receive free healthcare.
Today's pheatured guest is a singer and songwriter. His became famous when he joined Irish music group, Celtic Thunder. His latest CD "In the Round" is available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Keith Harkin.
Me: Hey, Keith, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Keith: I'm great, Jason, what about you?
Me: I'm good. You're from Ireland, what part?
Keith: Derry, North Ireland. What about you?
Me: Originally London, England. Your new CD is a live CD called "In the Round," which is a very stripped raw show. What gave you the idea to do shows like this and release this album?
Keith: "In the Round" is my fourth record and I think after a few years being in Celtic Thunder people think that's how I am as an artist. I'm just playing a part in a show. It's like when I'm with friends everybody thinks I'm weird, except my friends. I've been playing guitar my whole life. I was playing solo before Celtic Thunder. When I was with Celtic Thunder I was writing music for the show and stuff like that. I just wanted people to see after all the years of smoke and mirrors I could play guitar and actually write and all that kinda stuff.
Me: So, was this live record just from one live show or recorded over a tour?
Keith: Instead of recording it over time I just recorded one show. The album is just one gig, and it is what it is. Its done very well, it's selling well on Amazon and number three on iTunes as singer-songwriter, so I was delighted with it.
Me: That's cool. Did you record other shows or just that one show? That's a lot of pressure putting everything on one show, right?
Keith: Yeah, I know. It wasn't a tour, that's the way it was. I think it captured me pretty nice. I'm a performer more than anything and I love getting in front of a crowd and I love being under pressure and honestly like that I feel I produce better stuff.
Me: Well, I really like the album, and your studio albums as well. You play some really cool acoustic guitar, Keith. Do you play on the studio albums as well?
Keith: Yeah, I play on every song.
Me: Do you enjoy being called a singer-songwriter now?
Keith: I hate to use the term singer-songwriter, I'm definitely a singer-songwriter, but that somehow got lost along the way. Singer-songwriters most people think is a depressing guy who sings songs about his dying cat. To me that's not what a singer-songwriter is.
Me: So, what is a singer-songwriter to you then?
Keith: A singer-songwriter is somebody that writes his own songs and performs them. You don't have to be pigeonholed and be this guy who is really dark and on stage and quiet and really deep. Lady Gaga is a singer-songwriter, the Beatles were singer-songwriters, it's just a terrible, that is used. Somehow it was lost.
Me: Do you prefer playing guitar or singing the most?
Keith: When I play guitar it's a big part of that I do. It's funny, I play piano, bass and drums, whatever else in the studio. But its funny, when I play guitar I sing differently opposed to if I was playing piano.
Me: How long have you been playing guitar?
Keith: The guitar is a big thing in my life. I've been playing guitar for 23 years. The guitar is always in my hand.
Me: In your solo shows I read you do a lot of looping. I know what it is but my readers might not. Can you explain?
Keith: Yeah, I record stuff in real time on stage as I'm playing. Then I lay it up and lay it up with backing vocals and extra guitar. I play a kick drum in stage as well, I cover a lot of ground when I'm playing on my own. I think that's the most interesting part of my show as well.
Me: Okay, so, I have to ask you about the guitar... it has a kidney shaped hole around the strings. What the fuck? I have a pic of it here...
Keith: It's made my McPherson guitars and made in Sparta, Wisconsin. The guy who makes them makes the fastest bows and arrows in the world. His guitar factory is joined to his massive bow and arrow factory. I've been paling them for a long, long time. He's like a crazy frequency engineer scientist. He's a guitar player and a cheese lover. I have collected gear and guitars my entire life. It's like the ever ending quest to find the perfect guitar. It's not for everyone, and everyone's different, but I have one of them that I have played every night for ten years. I haven't done anything to it, apart from changing strings. For context for someone that doesn't play guitar that's like driving a van ten hours a day for ten years and never changing the oil.
Me: Do you get different sounds from it than a regular acoustic?
Keith: Yeah, I get different sounds, but would argue it's a better sound. Nine times out of ten if I have a sound guy that never heard me before will come up and say to me, "I never heard a guitar sound so good when it's plugged in." Yep. I know. There is a different sound, and it's basically like a Rolls Royce, cost a small fortune but it's beautiful.
Me: Do you do a lot of rehearsing, Keith?
Keith: No, I'm not the type of person who does rehearse. I hate rehearsing because I find I lose a lot of that spontaneity. I don't like getting up on stage and feeling I have everything planned out. I have played songs in a show that I haven't played in a year. In a weird kind of way, I love that weird kind of excitement when I'm about to play.
Me: So, do you miss playing with Celtic Thunder?
Keith: Well, I had a great time with Celtic Thunder and everybody changes in their life. When I first joined up with Celtic Thunder I remember thinking I'm one gonna do one tour. It wasn't entirely my vibe. I did my job well and really had a great time and met the most amazing people. I was a rocker and roller playing in clubs and recording in dirty studios in London and its just something that happened. I'm very grateful for it. Celtic Thunder is not who I was as a person. Every single step on stage is choreographed, every hand movement is choreographed, every word is a click in my ear, and after doing something for that long it does become monotonous after awhile. As much as I loved it I'm so much happier working on my own behalf and doing my own thing. I'm more mature and life is too short, I had to do something I wanted to do for myself.
Me: So, you don't miss it. Haha. So, what music do you like, Keith?
Keith: Neil Young. I went to see him last year in Belfast and he took out his guitar, Black Beauty, and he played this twenty minute solo on it. I said to my wife I'm going to the toilet because he's still gonna be playing it when I come back. I love guys who go with the flow when there's excitement in the room. You can't program that, you can't learn that. It just naturally comes if you're's a creative musician. If you look at the big DJ's now, because their whole show is a lot about the lights, their whole shows are literally a memory stick. That's not me being rude, that's just the way how it works. It's so sad as a musician.
Me: What was one of your first musical jobs?
Keith: I was in a dance band when I was eighteen. We had like a sixteen piece dance band and we were called Loose Screws and we just went what was ever happening on the night.
Me: Ha. So, are you working on new music?
Keith: Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. I just literally booked myself to the end of the year touring. I just got two months off, so I'm either gonna record it sometime this year or early next year. I'm really excited about it because the new songs I've been performing are pretty much the ones people like the most out of everything.
Me: Nice, I will definitely have you back when your next release comes out, if you want. Thanks, Keith, for being on the Phile.
Keith: Thanks, Jason, thank you very much.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and of course Keith Harkin. The Phile will be back on Monday with Phile Alum Robbie Robertson. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker
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