Hey there, welcome to the Phile for a Monday. It's April 16th, and today would of been my dad's birthday. So, happy birthday, dad. Today also is the last day to do your taxes I think. I have to remind you still have plenty of time to do your taxes at the last minute. I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductible. Alright, what is going on in the news?
Since the dawn of time, people across the world have known our plastic femme commander in chief as Barbie. There's no middle name, no last name, and most importantly, none of the baggage of patriarchal name lineages attached to her. She is just Barbie. Well, prepare to have your whole Mattel-based world blown to smithereens, because apparently the plastic queen has been hiding her last name from us all along. To the shock and awe of many of us, Barbie has had a full name all along: Barbara Millicent Roberts. When it comes to this knowledge, the Internet is fully split. Some people have a deep and abiding knowledge of Barbie's full name, her rotating siblings, and even the intricacies of her turbulent romance with Ken. Others are completely shook by the realization that she's got a longer name than "Barbie." After all, what does this mean about the complexities of Barbie's identity as a whole? In how many ways have we been underestimating her this whole time? The Internet also had some questions and reasonable confusion about who Barbie's sisters are. Over the years, it feels like she's had countless sisters, and yet some of them mysteriously disappear?!
After President Trump canceled his planned trip to Peru and Colombia so he could decide whether or not to strike Syria, the White House dispatched Secretary of State Ivanka Trump to the Summit of the Americas in Peru. Just kidding... Ivanka isn't Secretary of State! She's a purse designer without security clearance who just so happens to be the president's daughter! Despite having no diplomatic experience, Ivanka is doing her best to seem qualified, she even learned two Spanish words for the occasion, as seen on her Instagram story: buenos dias! While Ivanka live-tweets her way through Lima, people wished they had someone more qualified representing them... or qualified at all. People aren't so keen on footing the bill for the heiress's travels, flooding her mentions with some queries. The fact that Ivanka is tweeting in Spanish as her administration pursues devastating policies for Latinos in America and all around the world is not lost on anyone. Ay dios mio.
Okay, this is a good one. A woman named Amanda Burnett posted something on Twitter hoping it would go viral, and it is so goddamned funny that it has started doing just that. Burnett posted an invoice for dinner she received in the mail from a guy who she went on a date with and never texted back. Now, ghosting someone is never polite, but dating is a rough sport, and people do get hurt. But that doesn't mean that just because their date didn't turn out like this guy expected, she's going to pay him back for it.
I don't know if you could see but he clearly remembered what she had... a cocktail, a beer, and some pulled pork tacos. He also clearly remembered the price of each item (yikes?), and added in a $1.99 processing fee to boot. Please note that the invoice number is, of course, 69. So at least dude's got a sense of humor. Maybe? Maybe this whole thing was just a joke, but he does come across as desperate. Sorry, mister guy I don't know, but it's true. But that wasn't the end of it. OH MY GOD YOU GUYS.THE PLOT THICKENS The guy actually had the nerve to text her, letting her know that if she didn't pay the invoice, it would be given to a collection agency. Okay, now we know he's kidding (because COME ON), but still... a little too extra. Burnett simply texted him back, "Hahahaha fuck off." Right to the point, she's not playing around. She didn't ask him why he didn't include her portion of the tip in the bill, or how exactly sending it to a collection agency would work, and what would happen if she declared bankruptcy. People on Twitter loved it, and her tweet has already garnered nearly 16,000 likes. And a few people suggested that Burnett bill the guy back, for the time she spent with him on the date. Interestingly (predictably), some guys didn't see why it annoyed her.
Gather around, a new political tell-all is about to hit the shelves, this time penned by none other than former FBI director James Comey himself. If the leaked portions serve as an accurate preview, Comey's upcoming release, "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies and Leadership" is slated to spill gallons of hot tea all over the Internet. For starters, a passage acquired by the "New York Post" alludes to the infamous Russian pee tape in a way that makes the tape seem very, very real. According to the book, Trump brought up the pee-tape during a private dinner on Jan. 27th, 2017. This was merely days after FBI's dossier, aka the pee-tape dossier was leaked to the public. The dossier in question contained claims that the Kremlin had a tape of Trump receiving golden showers while laying on a bed formerly occupied by president Obama. "He brought up what he called the ‘golden showers thing’ adding that it bothered him if there was ‘even a one percent chance’ his wife, Melania, thought it was true," Comey wrote in his book. Comey then goes on to describe Trump's fixation on the pee-related allegations. "He just rolled on, unprompted, explaining why it couldn’t possibly be true, ending by saying he was thinking of asking me to investigate the allegation to prove it was a lie. I said it was up to him," Comey wrote. While we may just have to wait until the book comes out to get more of this sweet, sweet pee-related juice, Trump's admission that Melania might believe he's culpable speaks volumes no matter what.
A senior at the University of Tennessee made waves on the web after her graduation photo went viral for a very controversial reason. For her senior photo, 22-year-old Brenna Spencer opted to pose in front of the Hunter Museum of Art donning a "Women for Trump" shirt and a handgun in her pants. Check it out...
Unsurprisingly, the photo drew a lot of criticism from both gun lovers and haters alike. Brandishing a firearm for a photo shoot or showing it off to try and look cool is just stupid. They are tools. Why brag about carrying a gun? Some people pointed out the innate privilege of Spencer's post. Black people are regularly shot but the police for carrying objects that could be construed as a gun, while a young white woman can brag about carrying one on social media and be lauded as a patriot. Still, many others lauded her picture. Many even incited female empowerment. I know someone who would really, really like her.
If I had a TARDIS I would go back in time to see Abraham Lincoln right before he was shot. But knowing my luck I'd be too late and instead meet Lincoln assassination co-conspirator Lewis Payne being held in federal custody prior to his execution in 1865. As Lincoln was being killed at the Ford Theater, Payne, an Alabama native and Confederate veteran, entered the bedroom of Secretary of State William H. Seward and began to attack him with a large knife.
Great. I was thinking of getting a new tattoo but this woman took my idea. Damn it.
Hahahaha. I apologize, my friends. Moving on... I don't hate a lot of people, but I hate Bill Nye. This is reason number 72...
Some people just have some bad luck... I would be sooo upset is this happened to my computer.
You know what is one of the best things about the Internet is? You can look at porn so easily, and free. But having a blog and trying to keep people entertained is hard, I don't want you to get bored and go look at porn. But I thought what if I showed a porn pic here so you don't have to leave? But then I thought what about if you were reading the Phile at work, or school, or somewhere else where you could get in trouble. Then I came up with a solution. Check it out...
You're welcome, fellas. Here's another sign from March for Our Lives...
Here's another creative way Parkland students are trolling their new 'safety' backpacks...
Real. So, you know Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, right? Well, he's changed his name apparently. It's now Dwayne "The Paper" Johnson.
Hahahaha. That's so stupid. That's as stupid as...
Hahahahahahahahaha. I can't stop laughing. I crack myself up sometimes. Ever see those tip jars at places? Sometimes they are very funny...
Ever see people's photos that get taken on roller coasters? Some people are very clever sometimes...
I wonder if she said yes. Alright, so, I have been told that some strange people go to Walmart. I didn't believe it until I saw...
Yup. And now for...
This one could potentially be hazardous but if you do it right then welcome to paradise. Just squirm yourself to the edge of the bed letting yourself literally dangle over whenever you're about to hit the jackpot and voila instantly just upgraded missionary to like 10 times better thanks to the blood rush that will hit your head. Just be careful not to pass out. Yes, It can happen.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, a "friend" of the Phile tweeted a pic of President Trump getting briefed on Syria but there was a problem with it. I thought I would invite her her to explain herself. So, once again, here is...
Sarah: Oh, my darling, oh, my darling, oh, my darling Clementine... Hello, Jason.
Me: Hello, Sarah. Saturday you tweeted this photo of President Donald Trump and Vice President Mike Pence at a briefing on Syria...
Sarah: Yeah, so? It's a nice photo, right? Don't you wish you had a TARDIS so you could be there?
Me: Sure, Sarah, there is just one, teeny-tiny little problem... Vice President was in Peru at the time.
Sarah: Ummm... maybe he was simultaneously in Peru and Washington. If this new capability doesn’t scare our enemies, nothing will.
Me: Sarah, Pence was in Peru, not D.C. As usual you're lying.
Sarah: In any other administration this would be a major controversy. Not this one.
Me: So what's the deal? Did Pence learn how to teleport? Is that his very convincing body-double? Or did you purposely mislead the American people with the picture? Hmmmm.
Sarah: Wellll, Jason, I did explain in a separate tweet that the picture was actually from Thursday. Pence arrived in Peru on Friday. Here is the other tweet...
Sarah: My original tweet was not misleading at all.
Me: Yeah. Yeah it was.
Sarah: Fine. Can I go now?
Me: Yup. Sarah Huckleberry Hound, kids. And speaking of Pence...
Donald Trump and Mike Pence discussing foreign policy.
That's really stupid. He commented 'hey" to her six times. Hahaha.
June 17th, 1945 — April 13th, 2018
If you are a fan of complete WHACKJOBS, this is a huge loss.
February 18th, 1932 — April 13th, 2018
The Man on the Moon was WAY better than One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Disagree with me. I WILL FIGHT YOU.
The 79th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...
Abby will be the guest on the Phile a week from today... next Monday.
Come on, Shania, you can do it. And now for some...
Phact 1. At the founding of the first McDonalds, Ray Krok and a Coca-Cola executive named Waddy Pratt entered into a gentleman’s handshake agreement that all McDonalds would offer Coca-Cola exclusively. Both companies continue to honor this agreement.
Phact 2. A woman has won the lottery four times since 1993. She was outed as a Ph.D. of Statistics from Standford University and had figured out the pseudo-number generator for the distribution of the winning tickets. She won a total of $17 million and has since moved to Las Vegas.
Phact 3. When "Ready Player One" was released, there was an easter egg in the book that leads readers to three challenges, including playing a new Richard Garriott game and setting a world record on a game for the Atari 2600. The winner of the challenges was awarded a vintage DeLorean.
Phact 4. During WWI, French prostitutes with severe cases of syphilis charged higher rates than uninfected prostitutes, because soldiers infected with syphilis were removed from the front line.
Phact 5. A plane carrying 6,000 pounds of pot crashed in Yosemite National Park. Climbers in Yosemite Valley heard news of the crash and sparked a miniature gold rush with up to twenty people searching the frozen crash site. Much of the weed was salvaged, smoked, or sold before park rangers caught on.
Today's guest is a young musician whose album "The Prince of Rock n Roll" and his new single "What's Your Problem?!" are both available on iTunes and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Jacob Cade.
Me: Hey, Jacob, welcome to the Phile How are you doing?
Jacob: I'm doing fantastic, man, thanks so much for having me on your cool blog.
Me: Of course. So, Jacob, where are you from?
Jacob: I was born in El Paso, Texas but now live in Colorado.
Me: You're about the same age as my son and are doing what he should be doing, playing some old school hard rock. What got you into this kind of music, Jacob?
Jacob: Lots of shit actually. I have to thank my dad for being into the music that I am.
Me: Okay, getting into music is one thing, but when did you realize you wanted to me a singer and a guitar player?
Jacob: What got me into it actually was "Guitar Hero," I was playing the game at my friends house, it just came out and was the next big thing. I found myself more interested in the graphics, what was going on behind the actual game where it had the actual guitar player jumping and moving around. It had an actual programmed audience in there and it had the music of course. I was more into the other aspects of it than just the game. As soon as I went home that night I went into the cabinet and picked something that had a guitar on it and I tossed it into the DVD player and it just happened to be "The Song Remains the Same" by Led Zeppelin. That concert video changed my life, man, when I saw it. When Jimmy Page first came out I knew it, I knew I wanted to do that. It was just like a switch thing and that was basically the catalyst to my entire life.
Me: So, when you started to play real guitar did you take lessons, were you self taught? How did you learn to play guitar?
Jacob: Well, my dad had been playing guitar ever since he was younger in high school he played around and knew a few things. I was like dad, I wanna learn, can you show me something? He showed me three chords to get my fingers used to the guitar I guess. From that I basically took it on myself to learn things. I was just enamored by the whole thing. I was obsessed. I didn't want to wait for anyone else to teach me so I went on and did it myself and figured it out. That's very much of my personality I guess. I learn whatever I'm trying to do when I learn it that way I think.
Me: You also play piano as well, am I right? Did you learn that yourself?
Jacob: Yeah, that's a more recent instrument that I've been playing with. It's just one of those things that makes sense to me, being self taught. Somebody are good at math, some people love reading and stuff, some people are good at working on cars, and I'm good at playing music I guess.
Me: Your band is a trio, am I right?
Jacob: Yeah, still will be a trio.
Me: Do you write all the music on your album, Jacob?
Jacob: I'm on the writing credit for all the tunes. Some of them are co-writing credits.
Me: Okay, so, how is the Jacob Cabe Project set up?
Jacob: I do the singing and the lead guitar player, and as far as the rest of the band goes I have a bass player and drummer.
Me: How would you describe the Jacob Cabe Project?
Jacob: A three piece power trio.
Me: Are you gonna stay a trio?
Jacob: I want to build on that actually. I'm very much into the big band with a horn section, background singers kinda thing, but that's all in good time.
Me: You tour a lot, Jacob, do you like that?
Jacob: Yeah, but it's definitely not cheap. I have to have all my ducks in the row I guess, which I'm learning quickly.
Me: Being 18-years-old your audiences are probably a lot older than you. Is that weird? Do you feel like a novelty, kid?
Jacob: Nah, no such much now, it's settling down. When I'm onstage now people don't usually connect the youngness, they see I'm young but it's not so much as a big story as it was when I was 12, 13, 14 playing in the bars or clubs. Now it's more about the music, the show and how fun it is. I'm happy for that because like you said sometimes it could be a bit of a novelty thing. I don't like being known as the young kid that can play the guitar. For me its more about the music and the show and what is going on.
Me: How did you come to work with Brent Fitz?
Jacob: I will give you a backstory before I even met him. My first show I ever saw he was the drummer. It was Slash opening up for Ozzy. He was with Slash, a lot of people know him from there. He also has a huge catalogue of people he played with. He has always been one of my favorite drummers ever and Slash and the Conspirators has always been one of my favorite bands ever. That's kinda where I picked up a lot of my writing style and how I play the guitar and the way Myles Kennedy sings even. I took a lot from their brains, as much as I could, listening to the records and watching the shows and stuff. I was a super fan you could say. One day we were in Nashville and were at this place called The Rock and Roll Residency and everyone from the rock scene in Nashville shows up and it's a wild experience. We were in there and Michael Wagener, who produced the record and is very well known on the scene, was introducing me to a bunch of people, and throughout that event meeting everybody I kinda looked over and I saw Brent walking by me and like anybody person would I stepped in front of him. Maybe I scared him a little bit, I'm not sure, you have to ask him. I said, "Brent. Brent Fitz." He said, "Hey, man, who are you?" He didn't really expect anyone to know who he was. We got to talking, I told him why I was there, and eventually thank God, I didn't have a drummer yet. I asked Michael if we could get Brent to play. Michael was like, yes, of course, let's try it. He asked if he was good and I was like what, are you kidding me right now, he's amazing. Michael says, "Okay, I trust you." He goes up and asks Brent and Brent being the awesome guy he was says yes, of course. He had no idea who I was, he didn't know if I could play a lick of guitar, but he was willing. From then on we exchanged phone numbers, he then came to Colorado and we jammed out, got to know each other a little bit, and we've been friends ever since. That's one of many surreal moments I've had with this ride going on here.
Me: How did you get to work with Michael Wagener? It couldn't of been cheap.
Jacob: Haha. No. That'a a crazy story about that also, This whole thing has been crazy. These stories can only come when you work 24/7. Somehow we got in contact with a guy named Johnny and Johnny became my social media and marketing guy. He's big in the rock scene, he's a rocker, and so he was excited for this whole thing and said, "I think we need a record. Let's see if we can make one, preferably in Nashville." I was like okay. Couple of days go by, he calls back and and said, "I've got Michael Wagner on the phone for you." I was like what? No way. Then Michael and I wailed and both said let's get together and do something. I asked him if he wanted to produce the record and he was like hell yeah. He loves the guitar especially in that genre of music. That's how it really got kicked off and throughout the whole thing. I couldn't thank him enough for what he did. Not only for producing the record but for introducing me to different people and getting me to work with these artists that I thought never in a million years meet, let alone work with them. It was a very cool experience and Michael was was the nicest guy I could ever talk to.
Me: I Googled Michael as I wasn't sure who he was and he worked with Metallica, Megadeath, Alice Cooper... it's like platinum, platinum, platinum, all down the line. You opened for Bobaflex recently on their tour, which is a band I have no idea who they are. Anyway, was it cool to open for them?
Jacob: Haha. You should have them here. They were super generous. This was our first tour, going out and everything.
Me: Cool. Jacob, go ahead and mention your website and shit. I wish you lots of luck and I think you're gonna be big. Please come back on the Phile soon.
Jacob: Thanks, man, I'll use the best wishes for the best intentions. Thank you very much. My website is... facebook.com/pg/JacobCadeRocks.
Me: Cool, take care, jacob.
That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Jacob for a cool interview. The Phile will be back next Sunday with bassist Lynn Sorensen from Heaven & Earth. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker