Pheaturing Bill Hader

Two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar! All for the Gators, stand up and holler! Good morning and welcome to the Phile for a Thursday... still in Gainesville. How are you? So, do you miss Mr. Two-Bits? It's okay, when I'm here in Gainesville you can call me Mr. Two-Shits. Ha. For those that don't know, Mr. Two-Bits was the octogenarian Gator fan who knew how to rile up a crowd. He retired but now celebrity successors are taking over his role apparently. Yeah, I don't get it either. So, who is this Ginnie Springs chick I heard about? Haha. There's one place I have to check out next time I'm here and that is Lake Alice... I heard it's beautiful. I was told there are girls sunbathing all over campus and everywhere. Well, I've driven around and have not seen one sunbathing person. I saw a lot of girls, and guys on scooters or mopeds or whatever those bloody things are called. Also a lot of homeless people around town. Either they were homeless people or professors earning a little bit more cash. Oh, and I did go back to Leonardo's yesterday after my long day at Shands. Okay, let's see what is going on in the news.
We've learned a lot about the alleged five month affair that began at the end of 2011 between Donald Trump Jr. and former Danity Kane member Aubrey O'Day. Don Jr. is rumored to have told his wife, Vanessa (who recently filed for divorce from him after being married for 12 years) that he was leaving her for O'Day. The affair was so serious that, according to an "Us Weekly" "insider," Trump Jr. asked O'Day to have his baby. At that point, Don Jr. was already the father of three kids with his wife Vanessa... Kai, Donald III, and Tristan. After the affair they went on to have two more children, Spencer and Chloe. But the insider told the publication, “Don told Aubrey he wanted to have a baby with her. They were trying for one.” The pair met when O'Day was a contestant on season 5 of his father's show, "Celebrity Apprentice." It continued until Vanessa Trump reportedly found email messages between O'Day and her husband. According to reports, Vanessa confronted O'Day on the phone, with her kids listening in. Even after the affair between Trump Jr. and O'Day was officially done, he apparently couldn't get over her. The source told "Us," "He’d call Aubrey and leave long voicemails telling her he still loved her over and over. He’d cry and say he was nervous his wife would take the kids away.” For her part, O'Day wrote a song called "DJT," which has to be about Donald Trump Jr., because, hello, initials. She also covered the Gotye song (yes, the one that played on the radio for what felt like about 17 years straight), "Somebody That I Used To Know," and made a video for it in which she's naked with words like "Cheater," "Liar," and "Seduction" written on her skin in black marker. Now that Junior's going to be a single man, will they pick up where they left off?
Tony Lahoney... I mean  Tammy Larsen... wait, I mean Timothée Lolamet... no, that's not right either. Tomi Lahren appeared on the president's favorite show, "Fox and Friends," on Wednesday, and had a truly terrible take about impeachment. According to Turnip Twofer Toni, a president cannot be impeached if they won an election. LOL. What? Because Fox News loves trashing Hollywood celebrities they are actually extremely jealous of, Lahren was asked to comment on Sean Penn's recent comment that Trump should be impeached. Her hot take is that because Trump won the election, he should be immune to impeachment hearings. That's literally the opposite of what "impeachment" means. (The impeachment stuff comes five minutes in.) "Well, if he was listening to the American people, he would understand that President Trump won the election, and the American people have spoken," Lahren said, which would make more sense if he had won the popular vote. "The fact he wants to throw out there we should arbitrarily impeach Donald Trump. I would like to hear his reasoning behind that." People latched on to this great moment in Fox News logic. A lot of Trumpsters... including Sarah Huckabee Sanders... do this. When they can't defend his behavior, they go, "B-b-but he won the election, OKAY?!" If she's genuinely in hearing "reasoning" behind the calls for impeachment, lucky for her there are plenty. 1. Violating the emoluments clause of the Constitution! 2. Obstruction of justice! 3. Racism and bigotry! 4. Threatening Robert Mueller! Just because Tomi Lahren and Fox News don't want to believe that there are reasons to impeach Trump, it doesn't mean that they don't exist.
Surprises can be great! Who doesn't love that feeling when you find a $5 bill in the pocket of an old coat? Or when that local train suddenly goes express? Or when you get a rogue french fry with your onion rings? But not everyone loves surprises. For example, the police! Twitter user @ComradicalCaleb put his brother, Jonathon, on blast when he uploaded these two pictures from his Snapchat...

In the first picture depicts Jonathon in a car with the caption, "bout to be surprising everyone at school tomorrow." The picture is a little odd, with the camera focused primarily on Jonathan's neck and shoulder. Of course, with news about school shootings and gun violence being so prevalent in the wake of the Parkland shooting that killed 17 people, it is easy to see why some might have assumed the worst about Jonathan's post. Someone must have reported the picture to the police, because the second pic what happened next. And, because I know you're curious, here is a picture of the haircut in question...

At least the police seem to be taking the risk of a school shooter more seriously now!
Meeting people is hard. It's even harder when people tend to be really stupid. A woman named Jai uploaded this screenshot of a text conversation she had onto Twitter. As a caption, she wrote "I'm never talking to a boy ever again."

Dude... WHAT!? Okay, perhaps this person was genuinely oblivious... or maybe you just read the worst pickup line of all time. According to Wikipedia, gender studies is "a field for interdisciplinary study devoted to gender identity and gendered representation as central categories of analysis. This field includes women's studies, men's studies and queer studies." Google is your friend, sir. I'm as baffled as you are. So, sure! Maybe this woman does enjoy sex... but that has NOTHING to do with her major.
Actor Corey Feldman has been hospitalized after claiming he'd been stabbed in the stomach several times by a stranger. Yesterday morning, the Goonies star, 46, tweeted...

He also tweeted that the LAPD is treating the case as an attempted homicide. The stranger wasn't identified or caught, but Feldman says he thinks he knows who's responsible. He tweeted, in part, "I have had mounting threats on all SM platforms by this vile "Wolfpack" & this I'm sure is a result of those negative actions!" In October, Feldman asked for donations through Indiegogo to hire extra security. He was afraid that his attempts to expose the child sexual abuse he claims is rampant in the entertainment industry would be a threat to his safety. In a video posted on Indiegogo, Feldman said, "Ever since I discussed the fact that I have this plan, my life has turned to utter chaos. I’ve been silenced my whole life, but just over the past few days since I made that announcement, I’ve been arrested, I had a near-death experience last night where I felt like I was almost going to be killed. Two trucks came speeding at me at the same time on a crosswalk." He added, "I’m very alone. I need to protect myself and I need to protect my family. I need additional security and I need a legal team to help represent me so that I can fulfill this mission.” Geez.
So, if you're thinking of cheating on your loved one you might wanna think twice after seeing this...

If you're having a bad morning it could be worse... look what happened to this poor person...

That sucks. Hey, parents, I hope your kids in school are as clever as this kid...

It's awesome that the teacher gave a bonus point for that picture. If I had a TARDIS I would wanna see what Gainesville looked like back in the day. But knowing my luck I'll end up on a roof looking down at University Blvd.

Where's Leonardo's? Here's someone else with a sign from last Saturday's March for Our Lives...

Haha. By the way, a lot of you readers have been sending me tons of pictures from that day. Thanks. Hey, fellas, here's a pic of Stormy Daniels for you...

You know, the last few days I felt like a tourist here in Gainesville. I didn't do anything like this though...

So, I know people in New York complain about rats. Well... that's cute...

Ha! So, did you see the new menu items at Long John Silver's? No? I'll show them to you here...

I hope you can read that. Alright, so, in the few days I was at Gainesville I ate at some good places... I had pizza, Chinese, Starbucks and Wendy's at Shands. I should of eaten here though...

Look at those prices. Man. Hey, it's Thursday. You know what that means...

Customers trying a free yogurt sample at an Albuquerque supermarket were instead given a load of semen, courtesy employee Anthony Garcia. Garcia is said to have tricked at least four women into tasting his bodily fluid. One of the women immediately spat it out and called the police; DNA testing fingered the man, who plead guilty to the charges and was sentenced to 2 years in prison. Hey, at least it was free.

That's so stupid... if you spot the Mindphuck, if there is one here, let me know. Okay, so, a "friend" of the Phile wants to come on and talk about police brutality. So, once again here's...

Sarah: Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Clementine. Hello, Jason.

Me: Hello, Sarah, so, unarmed men continue to be murdered by police in America, and the officers responsible consistently fail to face consequences for it. What do you say about that?

Sarah: This is not a matter that concerns the president of the United States, but a "local" issue.

Me: What do you have to say about Tuesday's news that the white cops who shot and killed Alton Sterling will not face any charges, as well as the killing of Stephon Clark in his grandmother's backyard?

Sarah: Certainly a terrible incident, this is something that is a local matter, and that’s something that we feel should be left up to local authorities at this time.

Me: Ah, yes, a local matter.

Sarah: If there's one thing Trump doesn't do it's comment on things outside his area code.

Me: Can you comment on the police violence hurting communities of color and if the president intends to show any leadership on the subject?

Sarah: You are making me short-circuit, Jason. Drugs and border security...

Me: Those are the only words you know. It's hard to imagine what it would look like if the White House cared even less about police brutality.

Sarah: We COULD do something about the widespread systemic racism and racially motivated violence in our justice system, but we won't, because we're good with it.

Me: It is indeed all the sympathy and nuance you'd expect from people who would stage protests against protest before a football game.

Sarah: Can I go now? I want to try this Leonardo's pizza place you rave about?

Me: Sure, Sarah. Sarah Huckleberry Hound, everybody.

So, yesterday I told you this riddle... My father is a chemist. My mother is a mathematician. They call me iron59. What is my real name? Did you figure it out? Wanna know the answer? My real name is Felix. Iron... Fe (chemical symbol) and 59... LIX (Roman numerals).  Get it? Hate me yet. And my name is really not Felix... it was just a riddle. Moving on...

Spread the word, we will get Shania on the Phile. So, when I'm in Gainesville I like to invite a living legend on here... a local one anyway. So, once again here is...

Me: Hey, Squirrel, how are you?

Squirrel: Yeeee haw!!! Howdy! I'm good, Jason. Go Gators!!! Last night I ended a party in a trailer park.

Me: You did? How did you do that?

Squirrel: Why, I flushed the punchbowl of course.

Me: Ha. Of course. So, do you have any jokes for us, Squirrel? I know you love to trash talk either schools.

Squirrel: Did you hear about the Alabama quarterback who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?

Me: Ummm... no...

Squirrel: He missed!

Me: Ha. Okay, give us one more, Squirrel...

Squirrel: What do you get when you cross a Georgia Bulldog and a pig?

Me: I don't know. What?

Squirrel: Nothing. There's some things that a pig will not do.

Me: Hahaha. Okay, you have to leave us with an FSU joke...

Squirrel: What’s a good reason not to go to FSU?

Me: I don't know. What?

Squirrel: You already have a high school diploma.

Me: Ha. Good job, Squirrel, I don't know when I'll be back to Gainesville, bit I hope it's soon. Take care of yourself.

Squirrel: I hope I see you in any of the two seasons, Jason.

Me: Two seasons?

Squirrel: Yeah, football and construction.

Me: Hahaha. Squirrel, the Red Neck Gator fan, kids.

The 78th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

Robert will be the guest on the Phile a week from this Sunday.

Okay, this is so bloody cool... today's pheaturd guest is one of my favorite comedians. actor, voice actor, producer, and writer. He is known for his work on "Saturday Night Live," for which he has received three Emmy nominations, "South Park," and his parody series "Documentary Now!" Recently he created and stars in the HBO series "Barry," which began airing this month. Please welcome to the Phile... Bill Hader.

Me: Hey, Bill, welcome to the Phile from Gainesville. I am such a big fan. How are you?

Bill: Hi, oh man, that means a lot to me. Thank you very much.

Me: You're welcome. So, for some reason I thought you were from Canada but you are not, right? 

Bill: Hahaha. No, I'm from Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Me: Where did you go to college, or did you, Bill?

Bill: I went to the Art Institute of Phoenix then later Scottsdale Community College.

Me: Ahhh. Cool. So, you have a new HBO show called "Barry," where you play Barry. What is this show about?

Bill: Yeah, I play this guy called Barry who is a hitman and he realizes his passion is acting, and he just wants to get better at it. But it's not easy. It doesn't mean he ends on "Days of our Lives" or becomes an actor, but he learns the craft.

Me: How did you come up with such a unique idea?

Bill: Alec Berg and I who created the show together, thought the set up was so strange but had a sort of an emotional thing that we related to, of not liking our day job but were good at it, but the think I love and have a passion for I'm not that good at it.

Me: Why a hitman?

Bill: Basically I got development deal at HBO so I had to deliver a script and I didn't have an idea. I met with Alec Berg, our mutual agent put us together and we just started throwing around ideas. We had one idea that we worked on for a month and a half and we decided one day this idea stinks. Out of frustration I said what if I play a hitman. But it was me... weird awkward Bill. He said, "I hate hitman, I hate the word, I hate the connotation, the image it brings up, the guy with two 45s in his hands..." Then he decides he should take an acting class. I don't know why. I think we just started talking about an acting class, an acting class is like group therapy. You get with people and it's people over sharing. Then we thought, oh god, if he shared about himself that would freak them out. They would become implicit in his stuff and then we thought the guy that wants to live in the shadows, and work in the shadows and be anonymous, wants to live in the spotlight and be known. If he achieves his goal he could get killed. We thought that's good. That has steaks to it, that's got real drama.

Me: In the clip I saw Henry Winkler, who is also in the show, gives you such a rejection. When you first moved to L.A. and started acting did you get rejected quite a bit?

Bill: Yeah, but never like someone saying "go back home."

Me: Ahhh, so, where did you get your start, Bill? What were you doing first?

Bill: I was basically on the outside, I was a production assistant. I would work on film sets, getting people coffee, running around and helping and things like that. The big creative cool discussions, or the cool people on the set usually kept me out of that. It was all they are talking, I better stay here. It was knowing where my boundaries were, and feeling I wish I can get in and do that stuff. How do I get in that?

Me: Did you learn anything major in the beginning?

Bill: What I learned was I just had to take a risk, start doing stuff. Then I started doing stuff at Second City in L.A., never intending to be an actor, but just doing things there that were creative. You cold just move to L.A. and get caught up in paying the bills and go "the whole reason I came out here is to do creative things and I've done zero creative things."

Me: You directed the first three episodes of "Barry," which is kinda cool. What was that like, Bill, being on the show and directing?

Bill: The one was I was acting in it, and the one thing I thought was I would never act in anything that I directed because I'm an actor, so that was a new thing for me to kind of wrap my head around. I got to set on the first day of my directorial life and realized I had not made a choice of how I was going to play Barry. So then I was told I had to go to make-up and get ready and I was like, oh, right, I'm acting. If you see it, it's in the pilot, there's a scene with the two gangsters giving Barry his marching orders in his backyard I don't say anything 'cause I hadn't made a choice of how to play the character yet. If you look at that scene I'm in the scene but thinking "you moron."

Me: Was it cool though directing this episodes?

Bill: I don't know about cool but I remember my dad saying, "It took awhile but hey." He remembers when I was ten making videos with my sisters. He was happy that I got to do it.

Me: What is it like being a comedian on a show like "Saturday Night Life" to being a serious actor in Trainwreck and The Skeleton Twins?

Bill: It took me a while. At Sundance when the The Skeleton Twins premiered it was the first time I could say in an interview that I was an actor. I never considered myself an actor. 

Me: Why is that?

Bill: I just didn't. I was like I do comedy and stuff. I don't know, man, I'm from Oklahoma. I just say I'm an actor and I hear 40,000 people go "oh, really?" Haha.

Me: So, I have to talk about "Saturday Night Live." Did you have a good time being on that show?

Bill: Doing "SNL" was hard for me. I had massive anxiety doing the live show. I had terrible anxiety the whole time I was on the show. It never went away from the first show to the last show. Before the show I was essentially have a real panic attack. I would have really bad anxiety all week. It got a little bit better towards the end but it was still there on show day.

Me: Did you have a good time doing those sketches though?

Bill: By mid-show. With Weekend Update I would be nervous, but once I did a couple of sketches I started to relax, but if I was in a cold open, oh, forget it. I couldn't sleep the night before. I'd be just pacing and very nervous.

Me: Do you miss being on "SNL"? You just hosted a show and did a great job.

Bill: Thanks. Ummm, I miss the people there. Yeah, I just went back to host, I've hosted before and it was great seeing everybody. It was a lot of fun. Once the dress rehearsals over and I go into the office and pick the show with Loren and hear the crowd filing in for the live show it's still terrifying. John Mulaney wrote my monologue when I went back and hosted the first time he made my first line "I'm so nervous." He knew I'd be really nervous. He said, "I'm just gonna have you say your first line 'I'm so nervous.'" It just writes itself. Then I just calm down as it goes up, It's anticipatory anxiety.

Me: Stefon I think is one of the funniest characters ever on "SNL." I have to show a pic of Stefon here...

Me: Do you have a favorurite Stefon line or sketch?

Bill: Yeah, John Mulaney changed a line to "oh, is that Mick Jagger? No, it's fat kid on a slip and slide. He has knees like biscuits and he's ready to party." He added "knees like biscuits." So, they turn the card over and I see it says "he has knees like biscuits." Haha. That might seem not as funny in writing, Jason, but it was funny.

Me: Did you ever lose it on camera, or were surprised? I'm sure a lot, right?

Bill: Yeah, there was always one line. Once when they turned the card it was in different writing and it was, "Hey, Seth..." this is live on air by the way, so I'm reading this for the first time, "Hey, Seth, you know they have Blackula the black Dracula?" Seth goes, "Yes." I go, "You know there's a Jewish Dracula..." He says, "Oh, what's the Jewish Dracula's name?" They turn the card and it says, "Sidney Applebaum." Hahaha. I laughed for like twenty minutes.

Me: I thought this was cool, the summer's you were off from "SNL," tell the readers what you did. 

Bill: Oh, I went off with the guys from "South Park" and was a consulting writer on that.

Me: That's cool. Well, long time fans of the Phile know I am a huge Star Wars fan, Bill, so I have to ask you about you credited in Star Wars: The Force Awakens for voicing BB-8. What the hell? How did that come about?

Bill: Well, look, that was more like J.J. Abrams being a super nice guy. So, basically with the BB-8 thing, Ben Schwartz was also credited, I cannot speak for him for what he did but I know what I did. I showed up and there was this talk box, like the Peter Frampton talk box, a tube that goes in the mouth and I talk weird noises. Instead of having it hooked up to a guitar J.J. had it hooked up to an iPad which had an app that would just make these weird sounds. So, I watched the movie in an ADR session and BB-8 would come up and I'll make the sounds when he would go do stuff. I watched the whole movie and we did the whole thing in like a couple hours. This was less than a month before the movie opened. It was like there was billboard with Star Wars all over the place, they were promoting it and they were like "we don't have a voice for BB-8." I just remember doing it and the sound guys being so happy. It was heavily manipulated, everybody could do it but J.J., just because he's nice guy gave me credit for it.

Me: Did he get you because he saw you do the Tauntaun impression on "Conan"?

Bill: No, we're friends and he knew I was a Star Wars nerd. I did a voice in the second Star Trek movie, I was the voice of Peter Weller's ship. If you watch that movie I'm the one saying, "Docking in O-S-3." J.J. just brought me into this booth and I had to read all these weird lines. He was like, "Alright, man, you're the bad guys ship." It's a blast, I love those movies. Just to see my name at the end of a Star Wars movie was a shock. I was not expecting that. I thought that was very sweet.

Me: Bill, this was a big thrill for me you being here on the Phile. I wish I had HBO so I can see "Barry." Anyway, please come back on the Phile again soon. I hope this was fun.

Bill: Nice talking you, buddy, take care.

Me: You too. Thanks, Bill.

That about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Bill Hader for a great interview. I had a great time here in Gainesville, except Shands wasn't that fun. Thanks to Gator Town Inn and the people at Shands. I don't know when I'll be back but it'll be soon I'm sure. The Phile will be back on Sunday with An Easter Phile pheaturing rocker Lou DiBello. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Go Gators.

Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker