Hello, good morning, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. How are you going? Well, as you know Comic-Con is going on right now in San Diego and there was some Star Wars news. The next best thing to a trailer was unveiled to Star Wars fans at Comic-Con: a behind-the-scenes look at shooting locations, characters, and set construction from the forthcoming film. A panel discussion was led by Kathleen Kennedy and J.J. Abrams, along with new actors in the film, plus much-anticipated appearances by Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford. This was Ford's first publicity appearance since a plane crash last March. Following the talk, fans were treated to live Star Wars music by the San Diego Symphony in the park. Listening to a symphony orchestra in the park is probably the classiest event to ever happen at Comic-Con. Listeners received toy lightsabers for the concert, and Harrison Ford even used a lightsaber as a cane to make light of his recent injury. Both the force and the Ford have awakened. Have you heard the story that the Pope changed his clothes at Burger King? We've all been there. The Pope needed a place to change clothes prior to overseeing Mass at the Christ the Redeemer square in Santa Cruz. After all, changing in a fast food restaurant bathroom is always easier than changing in the car, especially when your car is built with entirely transparent windows and surrounded by thousands of onlookers. The Bolivian Burger King quickly posted the news on Facebook, thanking His Holiness because he clearly knew through divine wisdom that the only bathroom suitable for switching vestments is theirs. Ironically, the Pope later criticized mass consumerism and materialism in his speech, just as the chain posted another picture of him and their logo with the caption "There are visits that don't just bring joy to your spirit, but also feed it." Gross. To be certain, if there is a boost in sales, or just higher traffic of customers looking for miraculous images on fries, marketing executives everywhere will fight to be next in line when the Pope needs to change in a bathroom during a road trip. Prince Philip, the Queen's husband, royally cursed off a slow photographer at a WWII veterans event. As Queen Elizabeth II's #1 piece, it is the duty and honor of Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh to attend events like this ceremony honoring WWII veterans of the Battle of Britain (Prince Philip himself served in the Navy). It is not his duty, however, to suffer slow, incompetent peasant photographers, and it is his prerogative to instruct his lessors on what they should do, what what! In short, he's 94 years old, a (notoriously foul-mouthed and gaffe-prone) Prince and a veteran. There's no point in him wasting his few aristocratic seconds on this guy, so take the fucking picture. We are undergoing a major cultural shift in the way that our society views assholes who use their phones during plays. A guy tried to charge his phone on the stage of "Hand to God." He got ridiculed. A woman tried to text during "Shows for Days." Patti Lupone stole her phone. And if you think celebrities are above the consequences for committing theatrical phone crimes, you are wrong. Because Madonna just got called out. Actor Jonathan Groff says that Madonna was texting all throughout a performance of the musical "Hamilton," which ran off-Broadway and begins previews on Broadway this week. Groff... who you might know from Looking or "Glee" or "Spring Awakening," or all three, or none... described her behavior in an interview with Dot429. The interviewer had heard that Madonna wasn't invited backstage after the show, and asked if Groff found that unfair. He didn't. Madonna's rep, however, says she wasn't texting during the actual play but during a fundraising pitch after it ended. Who can we believe? And what crazy event will happen next? Will a Broadway audience member call one of the actors on the stage and ask if their refrigerator is running? Will someone in the front row of "Les Mis" decide to revamp their Tinder profile? Will people start actually following the rules and turning off their phones while they enjoy live theater? Fox is rolling out an actual version of Duff Beer in Chile, and plans on expanding it to future markets in South America and Europe. So move over Easter Island and Patagonia, Duff Beer is now the undisputed primary reason to visit Chile. Fox's selection of Chile was intentional, as they have recently been working with the Chilean government to crack down on counterfeit versions of Duff. Apparently South America is so thirsty for fictional products that they forced Fox to market a beer rather than continue intellectual property battles. British brewmaster Paul Farnsworth helped create the official recipe to bring Duff Beer to life. Hopefully this success will be an inspiration to Chileans making counterfeit jeans out of their car holes. The Minions movie is now out, and the little yellow creatures are absolutely everywhere. TV commercials, bus ads, meme after meme on the Internet… everywhere you look, you'll see a Minion. And because they already look like toys, the merchandising tie-ins have been extensive. McDonald's is even giving away Minions toys that will swear at your kids! But even that seems tame next to this bright idea: Minions tampons. To be fair, the tampons were never made for sale. They were created as a joke by Kotex Puerto Rico, which posted this image to its Facebook page along with a caption reading: "We're ready for the movie! And you, who are you bringing along to the premiere?"
I'll tell you who I'd bring to the premiere: my kid! And if I had to bring tampons along with me, they would be normal ones without eyes on them. Because I'm not a weirdo. Also, I don't need tampons. I'm a man. But if I did need tampons, I would use ones without eyes. Since it was first uploaded, the image has been deleted from Facebook. I suppose Kotex thought better of the joke. Or they were getting too many requests from people who wanted to actually buy the things. After all, everybody loves Minions. Almost as much as they love quality, absorbent tampons. So, I was gonna talk about Jared Fogle, from the Subway commercials, and make jokes about him. I even had a joke with a fake Jared poster I was gonna use, but I am hesitant to use it. If you haven't heard, Jared Fogle added "nation's respect" to list of massive things he's lost. I had a few funny things to say, but but it's not hilarious. It's Jared Fogle going from former obese person to current potential pedophile. He has not been arrested, but he has been detained. Authorities have confirmed he is a suspect. He has not been charged. But, his home in Zionsville, Indiana was raided tis past week by FBI and local police, who filled up an evidence truck with electronics from Jared's house while serving a warrant in connection to a federal child pornography case. Jared was home at the time and was seen in the evidence truck. Although authorities will not confirm it, this case likely began when Robert Taylor, then-director of the Jared Foundation, was arrested earlier this year with 500 videos of child pornography, which he was also accused of producing. Fuck. Well, I will say this. For one final time, Jared helped me lose my appetite. Who knows? Maybe Jared is innocent. A lot of people are saying this is slander. First of all, that is stupid. Slander is spoken... libel is written. He (I repeat) is a suspect. Here's the thing: if Jared was as cooperative as people say, why wouldn't police drive an unmarked sedan to pick up evidence in the middle of the day? An evidence truck and jacketed FBI agents at 7am does not scream cooperation. Neither does the fact that no one will say that it's just part of the other investigation into Taylor. Neither does the fact that they're looking for information on a business associate on home computers. Maybe his former foundation director just accused him of harboring child porn for no reason. Maybe the FBI just really fucking hate Subway and wanted to get back at their former spokesman. One can hope. Usually, however, having your home raided on a child porn warrant is a bad thing. He hasn't been arrested, though, so there is that caveat. Jared Fogle has not been arrested for the contents of the computers they just took from the house. If he is cleared of suspicion, I'll fucking apologize. A lot. And I'll eat a sandwich, even though I don't think he gets money from that any more. By the way, if you wanna me to post that fake poster I mentioned email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will. I have to think about it. So, that Magic Mike XXL movie is out and Disney, the greatest company to work for ever, has decided to rerelease some of its classic animated movies with stripper scenes. Check it out...
Don't take the red pill. Or the blue pill. Donald Trump, who is running for president, wants to change the world and even had a map drawn out. I happened to get my hands on it to show you.
He's crazy. Okay, it's summer and all through summer I am showing you some odd bathing suits and bikinis you might see by the pool or at the beach. Check this one out...
You have ruined ducks and boobs for me and it shant be forgiven. Haha. And now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is this week's...
Top Phive Group Of People Who Wants To See Minions
5. Half-wit kids disappointed by the lack of yellow-butt humor in Inside Out.
4. Profanity lovers, hoping the Minions will be as foul-mouthed onscreen as their McDonald's Happy Meal toys.
3. People hopelessly addicted to the yellow, capsule-shaped anti-insomnia drug Temazepam.
2. Moviegoers who enjoyed both Despicable Me films, but were bothered by how much coherent dialog they contained.
And the number one group of people who went to see Minions are...
1. Idiot butchers, excited to finally see a movie about mignons.
April 10th, 1932 — July 10th, 2015
If this guy was so awesome in Lawrence of Arabia and Dr. Zhivago, then why can I only remember him getting crushed in a car compactor in Top Secret? Huh?
December 25th, 1945 — July 8th, 2015
Much less stable-r.
If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Okay, so, as you probably know I live in Florida, and there's lots of crazy stuff that happens in Florida that happens no where else. That's why is why I have a pheature called...
A Florida woman thought she had been hit in the leg with a firecracker on the Fourth of July while celebrating at an outdoor venue. She checked out her leg in the bathroom, didn't see any blood or injury, and kept going about her evening celebrating America's independence. When her leg continued to bother her days later, she went to the hospital and learned that she was the proud owner of a bullet wound. Doctors suspect it was likely a stray bullet that had been fired into the air, as no one was reportedly packing at her event. To her credit, the venue she was at seems to be a reputable joint, and she's lucky to have not been more seriously injured from whatever idiot fired a gun into the air. Stay classy, Florida.
Okay, today's guest is a member of the Wisconsin band All Tiny Creatures whose new album "Dark Clock" is available on iTunes. Please welcome to the Phile... Andrew Fitzpatrick.
Me: Hello, Thomas, welcome to the Phile. How are you?
Andrew: Hello, it's great to be here. We are all doing fine, thank you for asking.
Me: I have to ask you about the band name as I know it must have a story behind it. Who came up with it? It's very rememberable.
Andrew: Tom wrote a song called "To All Tiny Creatures" before the band was formed. It seemed like a halfway decent title, so we dropped the first word and used it as our band name.
Me: I downloaded your new album "Dark Clock" from iTunes, and even though I have to admit that kinda music is not totally my favorite kind of music, I really liked it. This is your second after your first EP, right?
Andrew: Cool, glad you enjoy it. We released two cassettes ("An Iris Mixtape" and "Glass Bubbles Mixtape") during the period of time between the "Segni" EP and the "Harbors" LP.
Me: I have to ask, how does your music sound live in concert? Is it hard to pull off?
Andrew: The songs usually sound somewhat similar to the album versions, but way louder, and sometimes a little longer. We added vocals to our live set a little over a year ago, and the first few months were a bit of a challenge, but I think we're figuring it out.
Me: You kids are from Wisconsin, is that right? Are you all from there?
Andrew: Yes, we're all from Wisconsin. Matt and I grew up on the west side of the state, and Tom and Ben were raised in eastern Wisconsin.
Me: Were you all in other bands before you were in All Tiny Creatures?
Andrew: All of us were in a ton of different bands before All Tiny Creatures. And all of us still play in other bands and have other musical projects as well.
Me: Being from Wisconsin, I am guessing you are Packers fans. I am a Giants an myself. Do you guys follow football?
Andrew: I'm a huge Packers fan. Matt likes the Packers too, but Tom and Ben couldn't care less.
Me: Hey, I didn't ask you who is in the band, Andrew. So, who is in the band?
Andrew: Thomas Wincek, Andrew Fitzpatrick, Ben Derickson, and Matt Skemp comprise our band.
Me: I have to mention your previous album "Harbous." I love the album cover, Andrew. Very colorful. I have to show it...
Me: Who did the artwork for it, and what does it represent? It's not a harbor, is it?
Andrew: Aaron Draplin (of Draplin Design Co. in Portland, OR) did the artwork. I think it represents the intersection of our music, the album title, the song titles, and Hometapes' and Aaron's collective imaginations. And I think the image could be considered a harbor.
Me: Have you ever been to Port Jefferson harbor on Long Island? (I assume they meant "album title"?)
Andrew: I don't think any of us have visited Port Jefferson... maybe the next time we're in New York. Closer to home, the Great Lakes have provided us with many opportunities to visit a variety of different harbors.
Me: Andrew, we're running out of time. Thanks so much for being on the Phile. Go ahead and plug your website and please come back again, you guys. I hope to see you in Florida in concert soon.
Andrew: We have a website, a Facebook page, and a Twitter account. Thank you for having us. Hopefully we'll be in Florida sometime soon.
Me: Alltinycreatures.com is the website. Haha. Good job, Andrew.
That has to be the shortest interview on the Phile yet. All Tiny Creatures? All Tiny Interview more like. Haha. Anyway, the Phile will be back tomorrow with Phile Alumni Blade of Grass. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye.
Not if it pleases me. No, you can't stop me, not if it pleases me. - Graham Parker