Sunday, May 13, 2012

Pheaturing Captain RibMan

Hello, everybody, welcome to the Phile, watch your mouth kid, or you’ll find yourself floating home. It's Sunday and Mother's Day. Anyway, here on the Phile all through May it's Star Wars Month. You probably know that already.  Today's Phile is sponsored by...

Tuskens, the latest team in the NFL.  WellThe Avengers made an unbelievable amount of money on its opening weekend... $207 million, the biggest opening for a movie ever. If you add in the money made overseas last week, that makes $655 million in 12 days. Finally we have proof of what I've always suspected. We are surrounded by nerds. Producers are hard at work on the sequel, which is tentatively titled The Avengers 2: Still Avenging Stuff.  More details about the Secret Service scandal. The "Today" show sat down with the woman who claims to be the Colombian prostitute who got into the argument over how much she was supposed to be paid. NBC made a point of saying they did not pay her for the interview. This woman never gets paid.  Rick Santorum finally endorsed his former rival for president. This is the fun part where people who say bad things about each other suddenly pretend they're on the same team. It's like a "Jersey Shore" special. Usually they do these on TV together, but in this case Santorum made the endorsement in the 13th paragraph of an email he sent out just before midnight. Sounds like somebody had a bottle of sparkling apple cider for dinner. Santorum woke up this morning and said, "I endorsed who?" In the email, Santorum acknowledged his differences with Romney, but said they have common-ground thoughts about the economy and foreign policy. And they both like pleated Dockers.  It was a big week for gay stuff. First, news that North Carolina voted to approve an amendment that specifically defines marriage as between a man and a woman, which makes no sense because they let "Dawson's Creek" shoot there for years. President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don't believe in gay marriage OR evolution. Obama happened to have a fundraising dinner at George Clooney's house. Very interesting. I think they are getting married!  Hillary Clinton is making headlines now for nonpolitical reasons. She attended a number of public events without makeup on. Is that a big deal? I'm pretty sure Colin Powell went without makeup a lot.  Time magazine has a controversial new cover. Personally I think it's hot. They put it out for Mother's Day. It's a real mom feeding her 3-year-old son. Don't look at it as the source of future humiliation for the boy. Try to look at it as the event that helped shape him into history's most fearsome cage fighter. As you might imagine, many people were shocked by the fact that that was the cover of a magazine. If you were shocked by that, you do not want to see what they have planned for Father's Day. When you see your mom today, thank her for never doing that to you.  Well, like you know, it's Star Wars Month on the Phile but I wanted to make it a Mother's Day theme as well. There is one mother in the Star Wars films who is hot. I am not talking about Anakin's mom, but Padme Amidala, played by the always attractive Natalie Portman. I was so excited when I saw there was a Natalie Portman inspirational poster.

You did, didn't you? Admit it.  Well, being Mother's Day, if you are wondering what to rush out and buy for her, check out these shoes. She'll love them.

Here's a little known Star Wars fact, kids. Did you know that The Golden Girls were supposed to appear in Revenge of the Sith? You didn't? Well, they filmed a scene with them but it was edited out. But... here on the Phile I have for the first time a screen shot of what that scene was supposed to look like.

Crazy, right?   Okay, George Lucas has let so many products with the Star Wars brand be released. I don't think then man ever says no. So, all this month I am showing you real Star Wars pieces of merch that you might not be aware of. Like this, for example. This is perfect for Mother's Day, When your Wookiee needs a cookie, there is no better resource to make him feel like he's back in the relaxed forest of Tatooine. Better yet, since one recipe book couldn't possibly contain all of your favorite Star Wars recipes, there are even two volumes for your baking, frying and chopping pleasures.

And now, from the home office On Coruscant, here is the latest...

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear In A Star Wars Movie
10. "No, Lord Vader wasn't upset at all. He just said not to let it happen again!"
9. "Holy Crap! That Stormtrooper almost got me with that shot!"
8. "You know, I really miss that fat-ass Jabba character."
7. "Your right kid, it is a piece of junk!
6. "Boba Fett? That wuss!"
5. "Porkins, move your fat-ass!"
4. "Scotty!! We need more power!"
3. "Hey Leia!! Nice ass!"
2. "I have a great feeling about this.
And the number one thing you'll never hear in a Star Wars movie...
1. "I agree with C3-PO."

Okay, so last week I had my good friend Jeff on the Phile and we talked about Episode 1. Today I invited Jeff back to talk about Episode w. So, please welcome back once again to the Phile, our good friend, Jeff Trelewicz.

Me: Hi there, Jeff, welcome. Last week we talked about The Phantom Menace, this week we will focus on Attack of the Clones. So, whatcha think about this movie? Did you like it better then Episode 1?

Jeff: Hello, Phile! Yes, I did like Attack of the Clones a lot better then Menace. I liked that we saw more of the Jedi's and more character backstory (like Boba Fett, more to come on that one).

Me: What was your favorite part of this movie?

Jeff: My favorite part of the movie was when Anakin came to rescuse Obi-Wan, but he got captured too. Obi-Wan is tied to a stake in front of all the weird alien creatures and asked, "What are you doing here?" "I came to rescue you." Obi-Wan then looked up at his hands tied above his head, "Good job!".

Me: This movie kinda saw the origin of Boba Fett. who I know you want to talk about. What did you think of his back story?

Jeff: I am a huge Boba Fett fan, so of course I was thrilled to see his origin story. Plus there was a few rumors out there that said Boba was actually a woman. But clearly that is not the case!

Me: In Episode 2 there were a lot of female Jedi. That's good, right?

Jeff: It is good to see that the Jedi are not discriminatory. Yes, they do like having female Jedi around too. It's not a boy's club.

Me: I would want female Jedi around as well. Okay, one more question, Jeff. What did you think of Dooku? Was he conflicted?

Jeff: I don't think Dooku was conflicted. Bad asses never get conflicted. They do what they want. And don't even think about it!

Me: I say Dooku left the Jedi order because he was deceived by order's inaction and he was disillusioned by the corruption of the Republic. Then Sidious lured him to believe the new order would be for the greater good of the Galaxy, his fall to the Dark Side followed shortly. He was pursuing his ideal: a new government dominated by human and driven with a hand of iron. Since he was tired of the Jedi order's attitude, he was dreaming to replace it by an Army of Sith, which would apply the Empire's law using fear and force (both physical force and Dark Side), being peace enforcer instead of guardians. That's my theory. LOL. Alright, thanks for coming back again, Jeff. Come back soon and we'll talk Episode 3.

Jeff: See you for Episode 3.

The 16th artist to be pheatured in the Peverett Phile Art Gallery is AJ Paglia. This is one of his pieces.

AJ will be a guest on the Phile tomorrow.

Okay, in the past four years since I have been doing interviews on the Phile I intereviewed countless musicians, a few authors, a number of artists, and a talking rat. Today is a first for the Phile. He is a super hero who is less about saving the world than it is about political commentary. This is a great honor to have him here. Please welcome to the Phile, the one and only... Captain RibMan!

Me: Hello, Captain, welcome to the Phile. So, I had a talking rat on the Phile before named Roland, a shit of of musicians and artists, but you are the first super hero. Anyway, how are you?

Captain RibMan: I am thrilled to be your first; I’ll be gentle. Thanks for having me, Earthling. May I call you “Earthling?”

Me: Of course you may. So, has anybody ever told you you sound like Fred Willard, Captain?

Captain RibMan: Fred Willard has said as much, but I’ll be damned if I can find anyone else who will say that on record. Furthermore, I’d like you to know, I am, most likely, damned.

Me: You are my second favorite Captain of all time... Captain Britain is my first. Have you heard of him?

Captain RibMan: Ha, of course I’ve heard of Captain Britain! He is one of my favorite Brits… right up there with Ms. Spears. My favorite Captain is Captain Daryl Dragon, of 70's pop-music sensation, Captain & Tennille.

Me: Captain, where are you from?

Captain RibMan: Forbidden Skull Island, north side… near the Walmart.

Me: Let's talk about your name. First off, where did your name originate? Is it in rib, like in the food or a rib as a part of a body? That's pretty much the same thing, right?

Captain RibMan: Actually, Captain RibMan is a family name. I come from a long line of Captains. My dad, my dad’s dad, my dad’s mom, my sister’s brother and the wife of my grade-school teacher’s poodle were all named Captain.

Me: So, Captain, what super powers do you have?

Captain RibMan: I’m pretty darned strong, both physically and emotionally… and often, odorwise. I can fly, which most humans cannot, in case you were wondering. I have an increased sense of ennui. I have x-ray sight and smell and… hmmm… I’m not sure what else I can do… I don’t get out that much.

Me: Okay, let's talk about your costume. Why is your cape a table cloth?

Captain RibMan: I don’t wear a costume. I have naturally blue skin and what people refer to as my “cape,” is actually a dewlap.

Me: You used to have a Captain RibMan online comic strip, right? What happened to it?

Captain RibMan: My adventures were chronicled for about nine years online and in college newspapers until I realized those are both very poor sources of income. Yahoo! even awarded it Best Online Comic Strip of the Year waaay back in 2001, which shows that 2001 was a low bar for online comic strips.

Me: You also endorsed beans. Tell my readers about the beans, Cap. There's a commercial about them, and a song, right? Is there a video of this on YouTube? Here's what the can looks like.

Captain RibMan: Like Superman gains strength from your yellow sun, I gain my ability to fly from consuming beans. Rocketboy Brand Beans now have 50% more gas. They taste great and… oh I could go on… I’m quite inflatuated [sic] with them.

Me: And salami. Didn't you have your own salami brand?

Captain RibMan: I Can’t Believe It’s Not Salami! is the salami choice for supermodels and congressmen. It is packed with so many fillers, you never need to eat anything else, or drink anything else, or put on make-up, or wear deodorant… it’s all in there! How many salamis can say that?

Me: Speaking of commercials, you had the gorgeous Brooke Burke in one of your commercials. How did that happen, Captain?

Captain RibMan: Ah, Brooke. This was before she was on “Dancing With the Stars.” She was just a plain ol’ Playboy Bunny with her own show on E!, looking for her way in life. I took her in. Fed her. Kept her warm. Sometimes she seemed so helpless and weak, I would chew food for her and regurgitate it into her mouth. Every day, she grew stronger and stronger and, one day, I had to let her go. The world needed her. But, I knew that if our love were strong enough, eventually, she would come back. She hasn’t.

Me: So, do you think they'll ever be a Hollywood made Captain RibMan movie? Was that ever talked about?

Captain RibMan: At one point, there were discussions. Personally, I’d love to be a huge sell-out, but apparently, Hollywood thinks I have too much pride to let that happen.

Me: So, when you are not doing super hero stuff, what are you doing?

Captain RibMan: Since I am a superhero, everything I do is superhero stuff. I can’t help it. I watch TV, eat, brush and floss (in case my dentist is reading this), poop, wipe, write my name with my urine stream, write my name with other people’s urine streams, whatever, just like everyone else. But more superheroy.

Me: I have to ask you about C.R.A.P. When did that idea come from and what do the letters stand for?

Captain RibMan: The comic strip adventures in papers and online didn’t really pay for my secret hideout and awesome cars, so I had to look for other sources of revenue. For a while, I was sending invoices for each of my rescues, but the paperwork and lawsuits turned that into a headache. Instead, I started endorsing quality-ish products and designing some of my own! Thus, C.aptain R.ibMan A.ssociated P.roducts was born. This too, like a stray Brooke Burke, I had to nurture. Now, if you are lucky, you can find some of my favorites online.

Me: Cap, I want you to be the official super hero of the Phile. Would you be able to come back once in awhile with words of wisdom?

Captain RibMan: I am both honored and humbled, which I call “hobled.” I would be happy to share with you and your reading public any sage-like words I may or may not have or have not.

Me: So, I have to ask, who are these John Sprengelmeyer and Rich Davis fellas?

Captain RibMan: Asshats.

Me: Who is your favorite artist, Cap?

Captain RibMan: Earthling, my favorite artist is Leonardo da Vinci, not just because he was a brilliant artist, scientist and mathematician but mostly because he has “nard” in his name.

Me: And DC or Marvel? Who do you like better?

Captain RibMan: I celebrate their entire catalogs. Both companies are paragons of virtue, creativity and level-headed business acumen. But let’s not forget Dark Horse and Fantagraphics and… hmmm… where else would want to print my exploits? Mad Magazine? Harper’s Bazaar? The Daily Weekly?

Me: Captain, go ahead and plug anything you want. Any website you wanna mention?

Captain RibMan: Please become one of my minions on Facebook:  I do lots of giveaways. Plus, it’s a good way to contact me in case you are in an emergency and need rescue. I’m also on Twitter and I constantly check that, even in the heat of battle, so tweet away, soon-to-be-minions! Oh, and I sell C.R.A.P. here:

Me: I wish you lots of luck, and please come back to the Phile. Please! All the best.

Captain RibMan: Thank you for your time and hospitality. Your Earth is a wonderful place filled with love, happiness, hopeless people needing to be saved, excellent cable programming and one stray Brooke Burke.

Well, that about does it for another phantastic entry of the Phile. Thanks to my guests Jeff Trelewicz and Captain RibMan. Also, thanks to John Sprengelmeyer. The Phile will be back tomorrow with artist AJ Paglia. Then on Wednesday it's French singer Pascale Frossard. Next Sunday I will be going to Star Wars Weekends at Disney's Hollywood Studios so the Phile will be posted on Saturday with Alumni David Melbye from Heavy Water Experimemnts. Before I go, I wanted to put a picture of my mum and I on the Phile, but it's Star Wars Month so I was torn. But, then I remembered a photo of the two of us from 1998 where I am wearing a Star Wars t-shirt. Perfect! Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. May the phorce be with you and Happy Mother's Day.

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