Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Pheaturing Roland Rat Superstar

Hello, Phile phans, welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. I am so excited for this entry... today's guest is Roland Rat. Most of you are probably wondering who that is. You'll learn... trust me. California State Sen. Roy Ashburn was pulled over for a DUI and it turns out that he was drinking in a gay nightclub. All I can say is “thank you,” Sen. Ashburn, because until now, it’s been a very slow week. Ashburn voted against every single gay rights measure. Maybe he was at the night club to protest the gay lifestyle. However, he tested positive for “Appletini.”
There is a theory that Ashburn could be a closeted homosexual, and he may also be a hypocrite. Hypocrisy at this level is like seeing Mel Gibson at a synagogue. This guy is making California’s government look like a joke and that’s clearly Schwarzenegger’s job. Sarah Palin is shopping a reality show. She quit as governor to follow in the footsteps of Ray J and the Kardashians.
New York Gov. David Paterson lied under oath about getting free Yankees tickets for the World Series last Fall. Paterson, who is legally blind, maintains that he didn’t even know he was at a Yankees game. Tiger Woods’ caddy, Steve Williams, said he had no idea Tiger was fooling around with other women. He said he was disappointed in Tiger but is standing by him as a friend, and the source of all of his income. The only caddy that should be disappointed is the one that Tiger drove into a tree. The oldest person in America passed away at the age of 114. She was only 98 when the Oscars started. In most cultures around the world, old people are respected. Here, we honor them by taping them doing stupid things and putting it on Youtube. Denial of death is very big in our culture. In fact, we all die eventually. We’re not all going to keep going and going. We’re humans, not Toyotas. Did everyone watch the Oscars last night? Or as I like to call it, James Cameron's own personal Hurt Locker. The Academy Awards show was so long this year that they had to keep adding to the montage of dead actors. Congratulations to Kathryn Bigelow. She is the first woman to win the Oscar for Best Director, but in the defense of the Academy, a woman has always won in the category of Best Actress. It was a big night for The Hurt Locker, which, of course, is a film about the war in Iraq. I guess that explains why Obama called the director and was like, "Uh, how did you end it?" By the way, that film is not to be confused with the little-known movie John Hurt's Locker. So, you know I am a big fan of inspirational posters, right? Well, even stars of children's shows have inspirational posters. Check out this one.

Do you have Facebook? Well, it turns out someone has facebook literally. Look.

Scary, ain't it?

In Essex, a UFO is spotted over St. Ostwyth, manifesting itself as a "wonderfully large dragon ... borne up from the Earth through the air". The craft kindled the air and destroyed a house.
David Rizzio, the secretary to Mary, Queen of Scots, stabbed 56 times by a gaggle of Scottish nobles. Her husband Henry Lord Darnley had orchestrated the murder with Mary witnessing, hoping to precipitate a miscarriage.
Josef Stalin's daughter, Svetlana Alliluyeva, walks into the U.S. Embassy at New Delhi and asks to defect.
Photographer/homosexual Robert Mapplethorpe dead from AIDS. His bullwhip will be missed.
Jon Schmitz (straight) kills Scott Amedure (gay) three days after an appearance on the trashy Jenny Jones TV talk show, where Amedure admitted having a crush on Schmitz. Allegedly the two men had an affair that evening after the show, but the backlash from their rural community was going to be so severe that Schmitz panicked to defend his manlihood, filling his admirer with buckshot. Amedure's famly later sued the Jenny Jones show for $50M.
Notorious B.I.G. (Christopher Wallace) killed in a drive-by outside the Soul Train Music Awards in Los Angeles. The murder has never been officially solved, though an ongoing feud with Death Row Records may have had something to do with it.

The 6th book in the Peverett Phile Book Club is...

It's available right now on Amazon.co.uk and will be available in America in June from Amazon.com and in fine book shops everywhere. Paul Parsons will be a guest on the Phile in a few weeks.

This is a dream come true, kids. Today's guest is a British television character who I used to watch on TV in the 80's in England. I have been a big fan of his, and am so excited to have him here on the Phile. Please welcome to the Phile... Roland Rat Superstar.

Roland: Here we go then Jason...

Me: Hello, Roland, welcome to the Phile. I have been a big fan of yours since the "TV-Am" days and loved you BBC talk show in the 80's. I am honored to have you here. So, how are you?

Roland: Hello there yeahhhhh!!! ROL 'ere sensitive international rodent performin' artiste! I'm fab thanks and a big hello to everyone in America who haven't got a clue who I am YET!!!!

Me: Have you heard of Alf? He turned me down for an interview.

Roland: I have heard of Alf. I'm surprised he turned ya down I thought he was a free soul like meeself not owned by a corporation but his own boss!!!

Me: You're living in Los Angeles now, right? What made you go out there, Roland?

Roland: I'm livin' in RATCAVE2 under the Hollywood Sign it's a high tec labyrinth like RATCAVE1 in London. Cus l'm a jetsetter I fly between the two sewers, I have a company in America now and I have always loved the USA since I was a kid. I've made over 400 half hours in the UK won numerous awards so I thought it was time to look at another country after 26 yrs in London.

Me: Do you miss London and your days living in Kings Cross Station?

Roland: I don't miss London cus I aint moved permanently, my mum and dad are still there and my brother Little Reggie.

Me: Did your friends Glenis, Errol and Kevin move out there as well?

Roland: Kev and Errol are here with me in L.A. Also Fergie the Ferret and Glenis are in UK.

Me: What did you do to the Ratmobile?

Roland: The RATMOBILE is in the UK and now I rather like it cus its retro now innit! I always wanted a Rolls Royce in the 80's hate them now!! Quite like a stretch limo SOOOO long ya couldn't park it anywhere!!

Me: My British readers, Rol, know who you are, but you are pretty unknown in America. Any plans on trying to break the American market?

Roland: Yeah I would luv to crack America, it aint easy here cus I think the American media is more conservative than the UK. I'm a bit of a risk here in America, maybe a bit too edgy but that's the whole point with me I'm not Sooty or the Muppets I say whot I think yeahhh! We have been developin' "RAT66" a comedy series about Route 66.

Me: I still have some of your Annuals, Rol. When did the last one come out? Also, are you planning on releasing yout two albums "Cassette of the Album" and "Living Legend" on CD?

Roland: We are currently launching lot's of new merchandising, the music will be available soon. We have soft toys and dvd's and clothing and games all comin' out soon in UK.

Me: Years ago you went to Hong Kong. Was that fun? You filmed a special there, right?

Roland: "ROLAND GOES EAST" was shot in Hong Kong yeah and Richard Curtis (Love Actually, 4 Weddings etc) wrote the script, it was fab and it will be released on DVD soon.

Me: I saw on Youtube your interview on "The One Show" and you mostly made fun of the presenters. Did you plan to do that, or did it just come out? You never did get to answer the question, did you?

Roland: "The One Show' did not know whot had hit 'em, it was live and I never stick to a script!

Me: I also saw your guest role on "The Weakest Link" and wanted you to win, but you were beaten by a panda bear named Soo. Did that upset you, and would you do a rematch?

Roland: Yeah I should have won beaten by a beaver or whatever it was... ridiculous!!! I'd go back on yeah, I like Anne Robinson she's a ratfan!

Me: Are you still going out with Samantha Fox?

Roland: No Sam Fox has a female partner now! We still talk though... spoke to her recently she's luverly. I went out with Lindsey Lohan then she started seein' Samantha Ronson... I feel there is a pattern emergin' here!!! I'm currently goin out with Megan Fox, I'll keep ya posted on that one yeahhhhhhhhh.

Me: Roland, thanks so much for doing this interview. Like I said I have been a big fan of yours since the 80's, and I wish you continued success. Any new plans, or are you just going to live the Hollywood lifestyle? You are welcome back to the Phile anytime you want. Take care, Rol, and tell your mates I said hello.

Roland: The pleasure's mine, and l'll pass on yer regards to them two hangers on Kev and Errol. Anyone who has not sampled the delights of a rodent megastar should go to www.ratfans.com a great fan site with links to my TWITTER, FACEBOOK and YOUTUBE sites.

There you go, another entry of the Phile. Thanks to Wikipedia and of course Roland Rat and RRETVinc for the interview. Roland Rules, ratfans and Phile phans. I think that was one of my fave interviews ever and I hope to have Roland back on the Phile soon. Meanwhile the Phile will be back next Tuesday with Josh Benash, the lead singer for the band Kiss Kiss. Also, this Friday I will be at MegaCon in Orlando. Hope to see you there. Spread the word, not the turd. Bye love you bye.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh my god Jason that was funny! No wonder WHY I never read your stuff!!