Friday, June 20, 2008

Get Horizontal

Hello, kids, it's Friday again, and time for another Peverett Phile. Hope everyone had a good week. Last Saturday Logan and I went to Star Wars Weekends at Disney's Hollywood Studios. It was confusing. On one side of the park was Darth Vader and the other side Anakin Skywalker. Try explaining that one to an eight year old. Barack Obama has put his birth certificate online to fight the rumors he wasn’t born in the U.S. John McCain is going to put his birth certificate online as soon as he figures out how to upload the stone tablets. Paul McCartney has just announced he’s going on a world tour. He’ll be on the road for two years. He’ll make a ton of money — about a month of alimony. So, did you Father's have a good Father's Day last Sunday? I stayed home and watched the crooked NBA Finals. Logan gave me a monogrammed medical alert bracelet. It goes nicely with last year’s gift — a mug that reads “World’s Oldest Dad.” Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together. They’ve already scheduled their first domestic disturbance for Thursday. At the U.S. Open, 32-year-old Tiger Woods came back to beat 45-year-old Rocco Mediate. When he heard that a younger African-American beat an older white man, John McCain said, “uh-oh.”
Republican Congressman Ron Paul has finally decided to suspend his presidential campaign. Paul said, “There comes a time when you realize that you have no chance to win, and that time was six months ago.” President Bush said that after he retires he wants to write a book. Bush said he’s not sure if it will be about politics or about his personal life, but he is sure it will be a pop-up book. Barack Obama’s staff and John McCain’s staff are busy negotiating when the Presidential debates will take place. Obama wants them to be in September — and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before “Wheel of Fortune.” Barack Obama said that if becomes president he’d replace the White House bowling alley because it’s something he would never use. Apparently, this is the same reason President Bush got rid of the White House library.
This weekend, Barack Obama and Bill Clinton will be attending the same conference in Florida. Not surprisingly, the conference is sponsored by the National Association of Men Who’ve Been Attacked By Hillary Clinton. Gay marriage is now legal in California and yesterday, a lesbian couple who are 83 and 87 years old got married. Witnesses are describing the ceremony as beautiful and the honeymoon as horrifying.
Let me be the first to congratulate Mr. and Mrs. Seacrest. A 52-year-old woman is suing Victoria’s Secret over injuries she received from wearing a thong. I think the thong was just trying to defend itself. A top Starbucks executive resigned. He will receive a $120 million severance package or three lattes. Residents of a Romanian village decided to re-elect their dead mayor rather than elect the younger one running against him. When he heard about it, John McCain said, “That’s a good sign.” On “The View,” Barack Obama’s wife Michelle did the "fist-bump" with all the co-hosts, and then she said the fist-bump is “the new high-five.” After hearing this, John McCain asked, “What the hell is a high-five?” The latest rumor is now that Hillary Clinton lost the Democratic nomination, she’s going to divorce Bill Clinton. Hillary’s exact quote was, “Just because my dream didn’t come true doesn’t mean his shouldn’t.” Britney Spears says she’s going to move back to Louisiana for a month to help her 17 year-old sister raise her new baby. Britney says she’ll spend the first couple of days getting to know the baby — and the rest of the month teaching it to drive. Britney Spears’ sister, Jaime Lynn, gave birth to a baby girl. Which then gave birth to another baby girl. If ever there were a job for Super Nanny, this is it. And Spider-Nanny, and Bat Nanny . . . send them all in there. In California, Americans are flocking to Tijuana, Mexico to fill up their cars because gas is 50 percent cheaper there. Even better, the gas is free if you take two Mexicans home in your trunk. 


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list...
Top Ten Signs Your Kids Hate You
10. Lots of "practical jokes" involving switching labels on your medication
9. Instead of jumping on bed to wake you up, they poke you with razor-sharp steel
8. For brunch, they take you to the Olive Garden (relax, losers, it's just a joke)
7. "A seatbelt, dad? Don't be a sissy"
6. You catch them training the dog to maul a photo of you
5. Only time you spend together is when they help you update your will
4. While you sleep, they shave "die" in your back hair
3. No Number 3 -- I was in line to see The Incredible Hulk
2. In family disputes, they always side with the pool boy
And the number one sign your kid hates you
1. You light the grill and it blows your ass to Polk County


While promoting her new film The Edge of Love, in which she appears nude, "I always bare my breasts ... It's not like it's only in this film!" She said that generally she hates love scenes where the woman is wearing a bra, so for Edge, the decision was "very simple" -- take it off. When does this movie come out?!


Tim Russert: The bright side? Fresh organs for Big Russ.
Cyd Charisse: Her career peaked in 1976, when, after years of B-movie roles and unheralded hoofing, she was cast as President's Girl #4 in Won Ton Ton, The Dog Who Saved Hollywood. Look it up.


Handing her 8-month-old off to a store employee, a Family Dollar Store customer yanked hair out of the head of another woman in line, choked the woman's mother and chomped down on a police officer's finger Wednesday, according to an arrest report. The incident took place about 6 p.m. at the 2049 S. U.S. 1 store, according to the report. The suspect, Tiffany Mashae Brown of 16th Street, attacked the victims because she was irate about being directed to a different register than the one she started at. "Brown almost dropped her baby and started walking toward (another customer) while saying, 'I'm gonna kill you!'" according to the report. Brown hit the 34-year-old woman in the face and upper body and then scratched her face and pulled her hair so that blond strands littered the store. When the 53-year-old mother of the victim tried to stop the fight, Brown choked her and struck her in the face, according to the report. More news from around the state Brown bit the last victim, a Fort Pierce Police Department officer, when he struggled to detain her due to her large size -- 265 pounds, according to the report. The officer charged Brown with two counts of battery, one count of resisting arrest with violence and one count of battery on a law enforcement officer. Brown left the St. Lucie County Jail on Thursday after posting her $6,000 bond. The Police Department notified the Department of Children and Families about Brown's behavior, according to the report. It's usually the assholes who have 50 items in the express lane and insist on paying by check that piss me off...


The 18-year-old daughter of Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and Sarah Ferguson, was apprehended for her involvement in end of term "high jinks" at the exclusive Marlborough College, west of London, the UK Press Association said. A royal source told the Press Association, "It was nothing more than high jinks at the end of term in May. A group of them were reprimanded and that's the end of the matter." The tabloid Sun newspaper reported that a college staff member woke to playful shrieks and found several young women dancing around without clothes. It said there was no suggestion boys were present or that drugs were involved but claimed a pupil said the students had been drinking. Princess Eugenie, the sixth in line to the British throne, is studying art, history of art and English at the $46,000-a-year college, PA said. It said the princess was expected to be among guests celebrating the official birthday of Queen Elizabeth II on Saturday. A spokesman for the princess made no comment about the claims, PA reported. Damn, I cannot find a picture of this anywhere on the internet.


In Calcutta, 146 British prisoners are placed in a 18 foot by 14 foot cell known as The Black Hole by a Bengali, Siraj-ud-daula, and held there until the following morning. Of those imprisoned, only 23 survive.
Congress adopts the Great Seal of the United States. Although several people on the were Masons, the Masonic institutions themselves deny that the Seal is Masonic; therefore, any resemblance is purely coincidental. Of course.
Lizzie Borden is found innocent of giving her stepmother and father forty and forty-one whacks, respectively.
Bugsy Siegel is shot to death at Virginia Hill's mansion, on orders from Meyer Lansky. Siegel gets it twice in the face, and his right eyeball ends up on the dining room floor.
Vince Foster, Deputy White House Counsel for President Clinton, apparently commits suicide with an unnumbered pistol at Fort Marcy Park in Virginia. Foster's empty briefcase later turns up at the White House. But after it is searched again, it is miraculously found to contain his suicide note.


The Fifth Film Reboots the Franchise
It's the rare franchise that makes it to four films at all, so maybe just making it there is a badge of honor. Or, maybe not. The problem is each film in a superhero franchise has to keep topping the one before it, and by the time you reach film number four, it's very hard to keep from straying into the ridiculous. Therefore, by using Hollywood logic, if the previous film jumps the shark, the only way to repair the damage is by jumping the shark again, backwards, and continuing the series from a previous point, ignoring the movies that came in the middle. For instance, Superman IV had the distinction of proving all the critics wrong who claimed that no superhero movie could be worse than Superman III. It was bad enough that the studio shut down the Superman cash cow for almost two decades. So Superman Returns required a reboot for casting if nothing else, since Christopher Reeve suffered his horrible accident and eventually died, and Margot Kidder (Lois Lane) was certifiably insane, probably from the horrors of working on Superman IV. Also, actresses her age are generally not allowed to continue acting, so they replaced her with an actress young enough that, according to the film's timeline, she would have been a teenager when the original film took place.
Thus not a single actor from the original four movies appeared in the fifth, other than Marlon Brando, who was brought back from the dead specially for this film. The storyline presumably picks up sometime during the events from Superman II, specifically after Superman bonks Lois Lane (the rules and physics for alien-superhero intercourse will have to be covered in another article). Of course Superman IV didn't hold the title of worst superhero movie ever made for very long, as the fourth Batman film (Batman and Robin) came along to take the title, with the film makers trying to cram in so many villains, costumes and sets, the whole thing became a nightmarish mess. Thus when it came time for the fifth film reboot, the decision was made to pretend the entire first four movies never, ever happened. I guess what we're saying is if they make Blade IV next year, run far, far away from the theater. Then come back a few years later for the reboot. Also ...  The fifth film reboot doesn't only apply to superhero movies, though maybe it should. The Rocky franchise got more and more inflated over the course of four films, culminating with Rocky, a legally retarded boxer, ending the Cold War. Stallone tried to do a "back to its gritty roots" reboot (twice) but the results were less than Batman Begins. And in case you thought there was no coming back from the fourth Karate Kid starring Hillary Swank, get ready for a Karate Kid reboot directed by Will Smith and starring his son Jaden. Seriously.
If the pattern holds, we should be due for gritty reboots of the Die Hard and Alien franchises any time now. Don't let us down, guys.


The Doctor and Donna are caught in the middle of an Agatha Christie murder mystery adventure. Literally. The British have always been proud of their history. This is evident in the excellent quality of most historical dramas done by the BBC. "
Doctor Who", being a BBC production, has displayed this in spades having had the Doctor already meet two of their most famous writers in previous seasons (Charles Dickens and William Shakespeare). The tradition continues in this episode when the Doctor and Donna travel to England in 1926 and meet Agatha Christie in the midst of a set of murders. The writer of this episode, Gareth Roberts, has written a previous "Doctor Who" episode ("The Shakespeare Code") in which the Doctor meets Shakespeare. He has also written several "Doctor Who" novels, Big Finish audio plays and magazine articles. He co-wrote the pilot for the spin-off series "The Sarah Jane Adventures". If Steven Moffat is the best writer the show has to offer, Gareth Roberts is certainly a close second. Going against the tradition of a locked-door murder mysteries, this episode was intended to be light-hearted and fun (calling back to some William Hartnell "Doctor Who" episodes intended to be historical comedies, "The Myth Makers" and "The Gunfighters"). The team also intended to use the episode to solve a mystery about Agatha Christie's life. Agatha Christie actually did vanish for 11 days in 1929 with no memory of where she went. It was attributed to a breakdown resulting from her divorce from her first husband due to his infidelity. Naturally, a program like "Doctor Who" would create a more sinister, extra-terrestrial motive to spice things up.
There are numerous, subtle references to the works of Agatha Christie throughout the episode, hinting that this episode subconsciously influenced her future work. of them On a related note, the first episode of this season was titled "Partners In Crime" which is also the name of one of Agatha Christie's books. "Doctor Who" (and quite possibly the entire BBC production staff) is a small universe. In trying to remember where I had seen the actress playing Agatha Christie (Fenella Woolgar) before, I realized that she was in "Jekyll", a BBC mini-series written by future "Doctor Who" showrunner Steven Moffat. Actually, the episode deals with two separate mysteries. The first are the murders, which end up being performed by a wasp-like alien called a Vespiform which has taken on a human body. The second is the attempted theft of the Firestone necklace owned by Lady Clemency Eddison (played by Felicity Kendel) by a jewel thief known as the Unicorn. Roberts chose the title because it sounded like one that would have been used by Agatha Christie. I wonder if he wrote the plot around the title? "Doctor Who" is becoming dangerously self-referential. The episode contained callbacks to "The Shakespeare Code," "The Unquiet Dead," "The Runaway Bride." The Doctor takes out of his "C" chest the crystal ball containing the Carrionites from "The Shakespeare Code" as well as a Cyberman chest plate from "Rise of the Cybermen" and "The Age of Steel." Even the disappearing bees are mentioned again.
If anybody is curious about the "missing adventure" the Doctor was talking about while he was being interrogated which involved Charlemagne, the short story can be read on the BBC website. On another related note (literally), David Tennant's father had a non-speaking cameo in this episode as a footman. This episode was a fun, light-hearted romp and thoroughly enjoyable. Next week begins a two-parter written by Steven Moffat so expectations are sky high. I doubt it'll disappoint either.


Hancock recently, despite everybody and their mother predicting megabucks upon its July 4th weekend release. But there's at least this: in an apparent attempt to take after Iron Man, which did the same thing back in May, Hancock will be hitting some US theaters a few hours early. If you'd like, you'll be able to see the Will Smith superhero comedy -- which, by the way, finally got its PG-13 rating from the MPAA after wrestling with the dreaded R for a little while -- starting at 7 pm on July 1st, rather than the previously scheduled July 2nd.

Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile, phans. The next entry will be posted next Friday, but in the meantime I will be posting new pics on the Peverettphile Myspace page. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.

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