Thursday, May 8, 2008

This Text is Only Blue When I'm Thinking About Dwarves

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, I am your host, David Lee Sloth. It's May Movie Month and this week it's Speed Racer. God, I hope it's not a movie about drugs as I'm
taking my eight year old. Amy Winehouse was arrested for assaulting a guy in a bar. In all fairness, she didn’t do anything. The guy was sucker punched by her hair. They took her to jail and she tried to escape by combing her hair into the shape of a gun. In Zimbabwe, President Robert Mugabe has lost the election, but he refuses to step down, saying he still has a chance to win. Mugabe says he got this idea from Hillary Clinton. There’s some footage on YouTube of Hillary Clinton trying to make a cup of coffee. She couldn’t get the machine to work. When he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, she’s not very good at turning things on.” On “American Idol” a woman called in to the show and said she was Simon Cowell’s first kiss when they were both 9 years old. She said he hasn’t changed a bit since he was 9 — he stills wears the same size T-shirt. Tom Cruise was back on "Oprah Winfrey" today for the first time since he sexually assaulted her couch. Oprah was analyzing whether he is crazy or not. This is a woman who flies her schnauzer out in a private jet whenever her feet get cold. Tom's not crazy, just very, very rich; and sometimes being very, very rich makes you jump on things. Monday was Cinco de Mayo and Roger Clemens tested positive for salsa. President Bush said that Cinco de Mayo is an opportunity to recognize the strong ties of family, economy, and culture that bind the United States and Mexico. Then the president said, “Now let’s get back to building that fence.” In Los Angeles they celebrated by having a parade through the city. In Mexico they celebrated Cinco de Mayo by having a parade to Los Angeles. On Long Island, a Dunkin' Donuts employee has been arrested because he placed a hidden camera in a Dunkin Donuts bathroom. As punishment, he’s been sentenced to five years in a Taco Bell bathroom. John McCain admitted that he didn’t vote for George Bush. He did vote for George Washington, however. A woman in New York City is angry because Lindsay Lohan left a party wearing the woman’s fur coat. When she heard where the fur coat came from, Lindsay said: “Thank God — I was worried I’d blacked out and killed a pimp.” There’s a new study out that breast-feeding can boost your IQ. I tried. It just made my nipples sore. There’s sad news: The founder of Baskin Robbins died. He will be buried in a large cup. At his funeral there’ll be 31 different kinds of graves. The primaries are over and I am projecting that Barack Obama is liked by more black people than Hillary Clinton. Hillary lost North Carolina, which is huge. They’re saying that the only way for Barack to lose is if he married Bill Clinton. Will she quit? Not a chance. She will stay in this race for as long as it takes to elect John McCain president. And finally, Charlie Sheen is getting married. This will make wife No. 3 for him. Somebody should tell him you don’t need to get married to have a bachelor party.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is tonight's top ten list...
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear While Stuck On An Elevator
10. "Hey, wanna see my ferret collection?"
9.  "99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer..."
8.  "To help pass the time, why don't we switch pants"
7.  "I can't believe I just polished off that whole bowl of chili"
6.  "Why is that man eating a hamburger off the floor?"
5.  "My water just broke"
4.  "Your call is very important to us. Please hold for the next available operator"
3. "The building engineer said he can pipe in 'The View' while we wait"
2.  "Does this look infected to you?"
And the number one thing you don't want to hear while stuck on an elevator... 
1. "Hi, Jason Peverett"


Buzzie Bavasi: There once was a GM named Buzzie Whose tactics were said to be scuzzy From the day they were drafted All his players got shafted Ol' Buzz wasn't very nice, was he?
Irvine Robbins: I scream, you scream, we all scream — he's dead!
Eddy Arnold: He sang "Make The World Go Away" in 1965, and finally got his wish in 2008.


A substitute teacher in Pasco County has lost his job after being accused of wizardry.
Teacher Jim Piculas does a magic trick where a toothpick disappears and then reappears. Piculas recently did the 30-second trick in front of a classroom at Rushe Middle School in Land 'O Lakes. Piculas said he then got a call from the supervisor of teachers, saying he'd been accused of wizardry. "I get a call the middle of the day from head of supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, 'Jim, we have a huge issue, you can't take any more assignments you need to come in right away,'" he said. Piculas said he did not know of any other accusations that would have led to the action. The teacher said he is concerned that the incident may prevent him from getting future jobs. Accused of wizardry for making a toothpick disappear. Welcome to the 1600's.


Following a birthday celebration for King Louis Philippe, 59 Parisians returning home by train are trapped in their railcars and incinerated when their train collides with another. In these early days of rail travel, coaches were locked and no means of escape was available.
Mt. Peleé erupts on the West Indies island of Martinique. A wall of superheated ash and rock cascades down the slopes, slamming directly into the community of Saint Pierre. The shockwave and intense heat even manage to destroy twenty ships in the harbor. Only two of the town's 28,000 residents survive the cataclysm.
Science fiction author Robert A Heinlein dies of emphysema, leaving behind a legacy of subversive novels -- many of which meditating on unconventional sexual mores.
In a room at Little Rock's Excelsior Hotel, Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton exposes his penis to state employee Paula Jones and propositions her to perform fellatio. In her civil deposition, Jones will later claim to have witnessed certain "distinguishing characteristics" of the governor's genitalia, the precise nature of which soon becomes the subject of much speculation. For her trouble, Jones eventually receives an out-of-court settlement for $850,000 and a nude pictorial in Penthouse magazine.
Former Senator and onetime Presidential candidate Bob Dole tells television interviewer Larry King that he participated in the Viagra impotence drug trials, and thoroughly enjoyed himself in the process. Dole's name soonbecomes synonymous with erectile dysfunction.
Actress Dana Plato, who played Kimberly Drummond on "Diff'rent Strokes", dies in Oklahoma of an overdose of Valium and Loritab. Just the previous day, Plato had appeared on the Howard Stern syndicated radio program claiming to be clean and sober.


The Sequels Must Have Multiple Villains
For the first film, the franchise always whips out the most prominent villain in the hero's rogue gallery. They don't have a choice, millions are at stake and if you go with a lesser villain there may not be any sequels at all. Unfortunately, this means that you're going with a decreasing grade of villain for the rest of the series. Thus introduces the Multiple B-List Villain Rule: Since the best villain has been used in the first film, all sequels must use a minimum of two less-popular villains. Quantity to make up for quality. Michael Keaton's Batman fought the Joker first, then found himself simultaneously taking on the combination of the Penguin and Christopher Walken. Superman fights Lex Luthor in the first film, in the second he's going up against Lex and three supervillains. They do sometimes cheat this rule by trying to bring back the first villain as often as possible, regardless of whether the villain died in the first movie. They'll film flashbacks if necessary. Lex Luthor, Magneto, Dr. Doom and the Green Goblin have all appeared in nearly every single film in their respective franchises--two of them returning from on-screen deaths, proving that nothing is impossible in a world where big box office dollars are at stake. Also... Interestingly (or bafflingly, depending on your point of view) the villains often turn up in a predictable pattern: the Brain, the Bod and the Bumbler. The Brain is the planner and nearly always creates the main conflict the heroes must resolve. However, since the plan is usually very simplistic and takes about two seconds of screen time to explain, the Brain spends most of their screen time heaping verbal or even physical abuse on the Bumbler. The Bod is usually there to show cleavage, wear tight leather pants and show partial nudity. Some market research suggests this appeals to comic book fans. The Bumbler began as just that, a character who shuffles around, usually screwing up the simplest of assignments. However, this role has evolved into a mute or retarded character with great physical strength but little in the way of brains. However, they are still the target of jokes and abuse by other characters. Plus, they often provide many of the film's comic relief which may or may not be gut-wrenchingly awful. No one knows why this formula has been used so often. Perhaps it is some sort of primal urge in humanity where the three faces represent the three ages of man. Or, perhaps there's some deep psychological comfort in triangles or groups of three. Maybe it's a subconscious representation of the Holy Trinity or a subliminal image of the Masonic Pyramid. Or, maybe Hollywood executives think we're fucking imbeciles.


The Doctor and Donna land in ancient Pompeii, and it's Volcano Day (a phrase used by Christopher Eccleston a few seasons ago to describe when Mount Vesuvius erupted). As usual with "Doctor Who", a race of aliens are involved and this time they're called the Pyrovile. They are trying to harness the power of the volcano for their own nefarious needs and are turning local humans into creatures like them as a side-effect. This was a very enjoyable episode. The plot was pretty standard for "Doctor Who", but the pacing was solid and the characters were well-done. What really made it stand out was Donna's behavior. Would any other companion have reacted the way that she did when she was tied to a table and about to be stabbed in the chest by a dagger? I enjoyed the subtle winks to the classic series (as well as other television series) sprinkled through the episode. The Doctor confessed to involvement in Great Fire of Rome, which is reference to the William Hartnell 1965 episode "The Romans" which involved the Doctor leaving just as the fire was starting. The group of female psychics called the Sybilline Sisterhood was reminiscent of the Sisterhood of Karn from the Tom Baker era of the show (remember him? The one with the scarf?). The TARDIS is, at one point, appraised as a piece of art similar to the Tom Baker episode "City of Death". David Tennant uses the line "she's from Barcelona" straight out of Fawlty Towers (and John Cleese, who played Basil Fawlty, was the art appraiser from "City of Death"). Of course, they also quote the famous movie line "I am Spartacus". The theme of disappearing planets comes back into play as the viewer learns that the Pyrovile home planet was destroyed. The Medusa Cascade, which has been referenced in previous episodes of the new series, was also mentioned. The pattern for the season slowly emerges. Wasn't that a flattering dress that Catherine Tate wore later in the episode? I haven't seen that much cleavage on "Doctor Who" since Nicola Bryant. The sets for this episode were fantastic. It was helpful that Doctor Who was able to use some of the sets from the HBO series "Rome". Thankfully, the set fire that held up production for a little while didn't stop things entirely. It was quite amusing to learn how translation works when traveling with the Doctor. When Donna intentionally tried to speak Latin, it came across to the natives as Celtic. If memory serves, that was the language spoken in England at the time. In effect, the ancient Romans (or Pompeiians, or whatever they're called) are saying that she's English.
It was the little touches for this episode that made for such great entertainment. The golem-like Pyrovile who attacked the Doctor and the family of the sculptor Lucius was wearing a stone Roman centurion helmet. In the end, the episode was about making moral choices. The Doctor had to sacrifice Pompeii to save the world. He was prepared to let everyone in the city die until Donna became his conscience and convinced him to save Lucius and his family. If you ever watch the early episodes of "Doctor Who", the Doctor is presented as cold and inhuman (a theme that has been returned to on several occasions including last year's "Human Nature" two-parter). It is obvious that traveling with humans serves the dual purpose of alleviating his sense of loneliness and having a "humanizing" effect on him.


Folks expected a huge opening take for Iron Man, but $201 million worldwide? Damn. And doesn't it feel a whole lot better when a film that makes that kinda money actually deserves to make that kind of money? Anyway, as expected, Marvel went absolutely nutty over this news and, while announcing quarter one profits, took some time to give us tentative release dates for Iron Man 2, Thor, Captain America and The Avengers. Marvel Entertainment will not release a film in 2009, but first up in 2010 will be Iron Man 2 on April 30. Two months later, on July 4, 2010, Thor will debut in theaters. So, like this summer, we'll be getting two Marvel flicks in 2010 -- and if Thor wants to claim fourth of July weekend, that film better know how to kick some serious ass. You don't jump on July 4th without knowing you have a set -- know what I mean? Similarly, in 2011, Marvel Entertainment will debut another two films. First, on May 6, 2011, we have The First Avenger: Captain America (new title I believe). Then, in July, the biggie -- The Avengers! There was no word of an Ant-Man film in there, though last we heard it was in development with Edgar Wright attached. Honestly, unless they push The Avengers to 2012, I don't see where Ant-Man could fit in. Additionally, I imagine we'll have to wait to see how well The Incredible Hulk does, seeing as they may want to sequel-ize that one too. Otherwise, Iron Man will be the only franchise to debut a sequel prior to an full-on Avengers flick. Phew.


A new month, a new video from the set of Watchmen! Zack Snyder gave this one to JoBlo for posting. The video has me seriously geeking out. It is a guided tour from costume designer Michael Wilkinson, who happily explains everything from police uniforms to the iconic outfits our heroes will be sporting. The hero costumes should help quell some of the "Oxymandias isn't gold enough!" cries that were going around, because the sketches look perfect. Nothing like the first character still. I am loving that first shot of what has to be Sally Jupiter -- her dress! Her hair! She's perfect. May this movie be half as good as it looks. Watchmen hits theatres March 6th, 2009.


X-Men 4
"Gossip Girl" creator Josh Schwartz is working on the script that will revolve around a teenager attending Professor Xavier's institute for the first time. That works. Chace Crawford is already a mutant.
Anchorman 2
Director Adam McKay says that a Ron Burgundy sequel is 100 percent in the works, but it's gonna take two years. Apparently he wants to wait till his hilarious daughter Pearl from that Landlord video is big enough to sit next to Will Ferrell at the news desk.
Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins
Speaking of appealing to the kids, word is out that although the three previous Terminators were all rated R, this one is going the PG-13 route. Jeez, next thing you know they'll turn it into a lame TV series. Oh wait …
A feature film based on the character who could build a nuclear bomb out of a paperclip, toothpaste and a can of hairspray is reportedly in the works, according to the series' original creator Lee David Zlotoff. When asked in a video interview if the movie MacGyver would still carry his trusty Swiss Army Knife, Zlotoff showed off his own knife that included a computer zip drive. That must come in handy if you want to mug somebody for their e-mail.
Cocaine Cowboys
Action-movie mavericks Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer are teaming up once again to produce a fictional film based on a documentary about drug lords in Miami. Like nobody's ever made a movie about that before.

There, kids, a new entry of the Phile. This Saturday Logan and I are planning on going to see Speed Racer
so check back here over the weekend for a Peverett Phile Extra. Until then, spread the word, not the turd, and remember... They got little hands,
and little eyes, and they walk around tellin' great big lies. They got little noses and tiny little teeth, they wear platform shoes on their nasty little feet. 'Nuff said.

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