Friday, April 18, 2008

Natural Redhead

Let's fight some ballerinas. Just kidding. They could probably kick my ass. Welcome to another entry of the Phile, an entry I almost forgot to do. I worked 
late tonight and that screwed up my whole damn schedule. I was about to go to bed 
when I realized, shit, I forgot to update the Phile. John McCain has said that if he were president, he would boycott the Olympic ceremonies this summer in China, not because of China’s human rights record, but because the ceremonies start at 8 o’clock and he goes to bed at 6:45. Barack Obama was on “The View” a couple of weeks ago, and they couldn’t stop talking about how sexy they found him. Apparently he’s not the only candidate they’ve got the hots for. John McCain made an appearance. Barbara goes nuts when she gets a whiff of Aqua Velva. In England now, you can buy a $100 cup of coffee — or as Starbucks calls it, half off. According to his tax return, last year Vice President Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money went to Cheney’s favorite holiday charity: “Coal for Tots.” This should be philed under Florida: America's Wang, but two 55-year-old women were arrested for robbing banks while dressed as ninjas. If they’re convicted the women could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the week. China is recalling thousands of pairs of novelty “Hillbilly Teeth” because the teeth may contain lead paint. When he heard that China was recalling the Hillbilly Teeth, President Bush said, “OK, now I’m boycotting the Olympics.” The Olympic torch was in San Francisco. It was a huge event. They had to call in the Coast Guard. Actually, that’s just San Francisco. Any excuse to get the sailors in. I heard John Cleese from “Monty Python” has offered to help Barack Obama write his speeches. That’s just what you need, Obama. Actually there’s a lot of comedians that write for presidents. Larry the Cable Guy has been writing for George Bush for years. There are rumors that Condoleezza Rice may be John McCain’s vice presidential nominee. It’s a good move. A lot of people think she’s the female Hillary Clinton. It was Tax Day on Tuesday. Did you do what I did? At 11 o’clock Tuesday night, I took20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers. Put them in an envelope; drove around until you find one of those post offices that was open until midnight. No problem. Are Hot Pockets deductible? It’s tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills. They had the London Marathon over the weekend. A guy ran it — 101 years old. When I saw that, I said out loud, “Way to go Regis.” A new survey says that 98 percent of historians consider the Bush presidency a failure. On the upside, this is Bush’s highest poll numbers in years. Northwest Airlines and Delta Airlines are planning to merge. Their goal is to be able to cancel more flights than American Airlines. If the deal goes through, they will be the world’s biggest carrier. If you don’t count Pamela Anderson. John McCain apologized after admitting some of the McCain family recipes posted on his Web site were actually plagiarized from the Food Network. How many different recipes can there be for prunes and creamed corn! I apologized today on the Disney Channel that my monologue was plagizrized from jokes from late night shows. Rob Lowe is in the news. He’s been accused of inappropriate behavior by his nanny. This means it’s only a matter of time before Rob Lowe announces that he’s going to run for governor of California. Snoop Dogg announced he is writing a series of children’s books today. Is that really a good idea? “Horton Hears a Hootchie Mama.” “Green Eggs & Blunts.” The legendary Ferris Wheel from Santa Monica Pier has just been put on ebay. On sale to the highest bidder. If you’re not from the L.A. area, the Santa Monica Ferris Wheel is an L.A. institution. Like the Hollywood sign, the Chinese Theater, or rehab. And last but not least, my girl Kristie Lee Cook was eliminated from "American Idol" last night. I have been bummed about it all day.


From the home office in Groveland, Florida, here is this week's top ten list.
Top Ten Ways to Make the 2008 Baseball Season More Exciting
10. Exotic dancers on each foul pole
9.  Hit the batter, win a taco
8. Games in Pittsburgh will feature actual pirates
7. Replace 7th inning stretch with 7th inning grope
6. Replace batting helmets with sombreros
5. If a player falls into the stands, you get to keep him!
4. Bullpen cars driven by Lindsay Lohan
3. Stop testing for steroids, start testing for who watches "The View"
2. Three strikes are you're dead
And the number one way to make baseballs eason in 2008 more exciting... 
1. Two words: vibrating cups


Ollie Johnston: Nine Old None Old Men.


The Apopka home where a reality television show was being filmed illegally also was used earlier this year to broadcast live streaming sex acts for an adult-entertainment Web site, police said. Production of the never-aired "Pauper to Princess" show, about downtrodden women who wished to be transformed, came to a halt during the weekend after four women fled the home and called police. They claimed the show's producer, 33-year-old Marc Brilleman, held them against their will and prevented them from calling their families. Brilleman was arrested and charged with false imprisonment and was later released on bond. Dream House Productions, run by a trio of Seminole County investors who operated both the reality show and the live online porn site, began filming its Princess show in February after holding two auditions at the University of Central Florida and Cowboys Orlando, a country-themed bar.
The show's Web site promised the winner would receive $50,000, the use of a BMW sedan for a year and a modeling contract. "Our goal is to make these girls somebody. To help them grow physically, mentally and spiritually," intones an adult male voice on a promotional trailer on the show's Web site. "It is about changing our eight paupers' lives so that they can change the world." Metropolitan Bureau of Investigation officials say the house on April Lane had been on their radar for months.
"We got a tip about four months ago that this was being peddled on the Internet as the X-Rated Dream House," said MBI Commander Paul Zambouros. "It had Web cameras all over the house," which could be viewed for a fee. The site shut down almost as soon as MBI undercover agents subscribed to it, Zambouros said. Shortly after that, the production company decided to shoot the reality TV show. Whatever was being filmed in the residence was violating city rules, according to Apopka police. Dream House Productions apparently never approached Apopka City Hall, which routes all requests to film in the city through the Economic Development Commission of Mid Florida Inc.'s Motion Picture and Television divisions, said police Chief Chuck Vavrek.
"Pauper to Princess'" executive producer James C. Johnson said he approached various agencies, but staffers told him no permission was needed to conduct a commercial operation in the residential neighborhood. Brittany Pranther, the show's youngest contestant, thought a bit of good luck had graced her when she was chosen for the show. She was promised $500 a week during the 13 weeks of filming, she said. Pranther, 19, wanted to win the prize money to help her disabled mother, Natalie, get better health care, she said. Her mother has suffered four strokes and two heart attacks in the past five years, leaving her unable to work. Because Pranther and the other contestants were never paid the $500 a week she said they were promised in their contracts, she lost her car. Her mother's eviction notice gave her until today to get out of her rented Orlando home. "If anything, it made us worse," Pranther said of the show meant to raise her self-esteem. "I feel more hurt because he knew that we all grew up with that kind of past, and he did it again." She is now working 16-hour days at two jobs, trying to get back on her feet. Mark NeJame, an Orlando attorney representing Johnson, said the contracts clearly stated that the women would be paid $500 a week, which would kick in after the sixth week of work. He presented a contract Monday stating that, and also that the top three finishers would receive a bonus of $1,000 after the 13-week commitment. The show was being made, NeJame said, in the hopes that a network would pick it up at some point, but no deal had been reached. Johnson hired NeJame on Monday after Johnson said the contestants broke their contracts with him and were not telling the truth about the show. Pranther said the contestants became wary of the show's legitimacy in recent weeks after inadvertently discovering a sex tape on a memory card in one of the production company's cameras. Until then, the women had attended modeling classes, etiquette training and worked out with a personal trainer at a Bally's gym near Orlando. They even performed community service at the local Ronald McDonald House. "For the most part, they seemed pretty legit," Pranther said, adding that businesses would shut down and allow them to film in private. Pranther and two other women left the show voluntarily last week after finding the tape. On Saturday, MBI's vice squad responded to the house at the request of Apopka police to determine if the young women had been held against their will as sex slaves. "One of the girls hit the wrong button on the memory card and they saw their chaperone" . . . having sex with another woman on the kitchen counter, Zambouros said. "The girls were shocked. They said, 'Oh, my God, that's where we eat breakfast.' " That chaperone, Tamika Jackson, 27, said Monday evening that she told the girls weeks ago about her "indiscretion," and they told her they respected her nonetheless. "There's no dispute that an adult Web site was streaming for a short time," NeJame said. But the previous use of the house had nothing to do with the G-rated reality TV show being filmed there until Saturday, he said.


The Guillotine is tested at Bicetre Hospital in Paris, decapitating a sheep and a number of human cadavers.
My dad was one day old.
In an effort to overthrow Fidel Castro, 1,500 Cuban exiles make a series of amphibious landings at the Bay of Pigs. After it becomes painfully obvious in just a matter of hours that the forces were trained, equipped, and armed by the United States, President John F. Kennedy withholds necessary air cover. In three days of fighting, Cuba captures 1,197 of the rebels and kills approximately 200.
The FBI Laboratory in Washington reports their inability to make out the vocals on the hit single "Louie Louie." Thus, the Bureau is unable to determine whether the record constitutes obscene matter.
A Los Angeles jury convicts Sirhan Sirhan of assassinating Senator Robert F. Kennedy. Sirhan receives a death sentence, but it is later reduced to life in prison.
Vinnie Taylor of Sha Na Na dies of a smack overdose.
London police officer Yvonne Fletcher is shot dead and ten bystanders are wounded when a gunman in the Libyan Embassy opens fire on a crowd of protestors gathered outside. One week later, the British government cuts off all diplomatic relations and the Libyans are deported. The Libyan Government finally "accepts general responsibility for the behaviour of its diplomats inside its London Embassy at the time of the shooting" in July 1999, and pays an undisclosed sum to Fletcher's family.
After a newspaper publishes photographs of Belgian paratroopers committing human rights violations during a 1993 UN peacekeeping mission in Somalia, Belgium's Defense Minister Jean-Pol Poncelet announces that the elite fighting unit may be disbanded. The photos depict one soldier urinating on a Somali corpse, and two men swinging a child over a campfire by the wrists and ankles.


Einstein Flunked Math The story we heard: Motivational speakers love to tell this tale, inspiring underachievers with the story of this German kid who was just like you! Despite his sincerest efforts he could never manage to do well in his math exams, and struggled desperately with physics while working as a lowly patent clerk. That muddled kid grew up to be Albert Fucking Einstein! And if he can do it, then so can you! The truth: Well, no you can't. As it turns out, Einstein was a mathematical prodigy, and before he was 12, he was already better at arithmetic and calculus than you are now. Einstein was in fact so fucking smart that he believed school was holding him back, and his parents purchased advanced textbooks for him to study from. Not only did he pass math with flying colors, it's entirely possible that he was actually teaching the class by the end of semester. The idea that Einstein did badly at school is thought to have originated with a a 1935 Ripley's Believe it or Not! trivia column. There's actually a good reason why it's a bad idea to include Robert Ripley among the references in your advanced university thesis. The famous bizarre trivia "expert" never cited his sources, and the various "facts" he presented throughout his career were an amalgamation of things he thought he read somewhere, heard from somebody, or pulled out of his ass. The feature's title probably should have been: Believe it or Not! I Get Paid Either Way, Assholes. When he was first shown this supposed expose of his early life, Einstein allegedly just laughed, and probably went on to solve another 12 mysteries of quantum physics before dinner. By the time he finally kicked the bucket in 1955, it's entirely possible that "failure" was the one concept that Albert Einstein had never managed to master. Of course, this just reaffirms what we have always suspected, deep down: success really is decided at birth, and your life will never be better than it is right now. Sorry about that.


A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home. When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?” “The undertaker,” she replied.


Two action figures from the upcoming Watchmen movie have debuted over at Entertainment Weekly. This is sure to fuel the "Zack Snyder is screwing it up!" flames because there's no paunch on Nite Owl. He's boasting a lean and muscular frame, and a very shiny costume. However, I am willing to take a wait and see approach -- maybe this is a very young and fit Nite Owl, a figure from his glory days. Hmm. They did successfully sculpt Patrick Wilson's jaw, though. Two additional figures are going to be unveiled at the New York ComicCon on April 18th -- I'm betting Oxymandias (especially since he had his own line of action figures in the book) and the Comedian, but the temptation for a near-nude Laurie may prove more tempting to sculpt. They don't go on sale until January 2009, but they will market for the very reasonable price of $14.99. I cannot wait. I will post pics of the action figures on in a few days. Watchmen will be released on March 6th, 2009.


Austin Powers 4
Gisele Bündchen is reportedly auditioning to be the female lead opposite Mike Myers' groovy superspy. Although, I'd much rather pay ten bucks to see Gisele score the role in a catfight with other supermodels with funny accents, like Heidi Klum, than actually sit through another Powers outing.
Star Wars: The Clone Wars
In a cool extended trailer for the animated film, Yoda sends Anakin Skywalker on a mission to rescue Jabba the Hutt's son. However, when the young Jedi finds his target, the Dark Side compels him to pour some salt on the poor little space slug.
Ghost in the Shell
Steven Spielberg's DreamWorks studio has acquired the rights to make a live-action American version of the popular Japanese anime about a female cyborg cop who must catch an Internet predator. In the new version, she lures her prey out with a provocative MySpace profile in which she describes herself as 34, lonely and with a pair of bionic legs capable of crushing a man's back.
Fast and Furious
It's finally been confirmed that both Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are returning to the car-racing franchise, but this time, they have to team up to defeat a common enemy. The film also has an official title, as you can see in the title above, and producers say they're spending so much money on the action scenes that they can't even afford to put the "the"s in the name.
The Wackness
The first trailer focuses less on Ben Kingsley and Mary-Kate Olsen's romance and more on Nickelodeon star Josh Peck trying to lose his virginity. That's a bold move for the kids'-show actor where the raciest thing he ever did on "Drake & Josh" was go to school with a hickey on his neck and finally confess the mark was actually the result of a vacuum cleaner mishap.
Speed Racer
There's yet another trailer for the Wachowski Bros. film, except this one features five minutes of eye-popping action scenes. The racing sequences are so colorful and dynamic they look like what would happen if a Crayola and a Matchbox-car factory both puked at the exact same time.
Untitled Jackie Robinson Biopic
Robert Redford is teaming up with ESPN to produce a film about the first African-American to play major-league baseball. Unfortunately, they'll be updating Robinson's story for the modern age, making him the first black guy to shred the slopes on a snowboard at the X Games.


We went to see Nim's Island, starring Abigail Breslin (who Logan has a crush on), Jodie Foster, and Gerard Butler. The story of an online friendship between a woman pretending to be a man and the little girl she travels a long distance to visit. OK, sorry, that's the "To Catch a Predator" version. It's actually about a little girl named Nim who lives on an island with her marine biologist father (Mom was eaten by a whale, no joke). When Dad gets lost at sea, Nim gets on the Internet and begs her favorite writer, "Alex Rover," who turns out to be Foster, to come help. Your enjoyment, if you're over the age of nine or so, will depend on how much you can indulge the idea of helpful animal pals who not only fetch life-saving tools and food for their favorite humans, but who also understand English and offer sensitive commentary in their respective animal languages. And if that spoiler didn't sound totally nuts to you, then you'll be fine. If, however, you want your kid-venture films to seem like they could really happen, and you'd like an explanation of how a child can fix solar panels on a tree house and rig up pulleys and catapults, or how a man lost in the ocean can build a catamaran from driftwood, then perhaps you should see a documentary instead. After Panic Room and Flight Plan and The Brave One, it's kind of nice to see Foster go back to her live-action-Disney-movie childhood. She's not riding around on the back of an ostrich or hurling coconut bombs at the bad guys, but it'll do. And she looks kinda hot in a wet tank top. Logan loved the movie, but after five
minutes I wanted to get off Nim's island. I give it a four out of ten.

There, kids, another entry of the Phile. The next entry will be on the 24th, unless I forget. Until then, spread the word, not the turd, and remember... life is a highway, I'm gonna ride it all night long, life is a highway and I'm gonna ride it all night long.

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