Keepin' It Real

Hello, welcome to the most anticipated blog on the world wide web, the Peverett Phile, where Letterman, Leno and Conan are ripped off. So, this week at Disney World they are having this week long press event, and at Epcot, my place of employment, the focus is the 'Seas With Nemo And Friends' ride. So many guests are coming up to me looking for Nemo, I thought Disney should make a movie based on that, and call it Finding Nemo. Is everyone excited about the Academy Awards? Helen Mirren was nominated for a tremendous role. She plays a stubborn out-of-touch queen . . . I believe it's based on the story of Elton John. How about that Al Gore movie? It received two nominations. Out of habit, Al demanded a recount. Judi Dench was nominated for her role as a mean lesbian. Even if she doesn't win the Academy Award, she has a standing offer to join 'The View'. The other night was the President's State Of the Union Address. He talked about how we could save energy, the war in Iraq, and then he gave a beautiful rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings.” Say what you want about the president, but he didn’t become the president to make friends. He became president because the White House has a bowling alley in the basement. A total of eight people are running for president. It’s George Bush’s fault. He’s lowered the standard. Hillary Clinton, senator from N.Y., has announced that she will run for president. She will be the first female president if you don’t count James Buchanan. Politics is a dirty business. And with Hillary Clinton announcing that she is running for president, Republicans are already digging up dirt on her. And they found out that she once slept with Bill Clinton. President Bush has a plan to fight global warming . . . He’s going to reinstate Pluto. Exciting news in the world of show biz . . . Donald Trump received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. So it’s official: Hollywood is out of stars. Hugh Hefner, of Playboy magazine, is 80 years old . . . and he wants to have another child. Great — something else to piss off Rosie O’Donnell. How long has Rose O'Donnell been on 'The View' now? Already she's attacked Kelly Ripa, Donald Trump, and 'American Idol.' Rosie O'Donnell clearly hates America. With the possible exceptionof hot dogs and apple pie, she hates this country. There are stories now that say Rosie will leave 'The View' to do her own show. Democrats, I guess, want her to withdraw from 'The View' immediately, but President Bush says if she pulls out before Barbara is destroyed, anarchy will rule, and terrorists will win. Lindsay Lohan is in rehab. She checked in yesterday. She's smart; she's getting her rehab out of the way before she's legally old enough to drink. Senator Barack Obama is telling everyone about his past drug use. Pollsters say his candor is now boosting his numbers. So we shouldn’t be surprised to see a video on Dennis Kucinich that says, "Presidential candidate Dennis Kicinich would like America to know that before every speech, he gets ripped on vodka.” O.J. Simpson’s agent says that there are at least three offers from publishers for O.J.’s memoirs. The book will be called "Tuesday’s With Stabbie”. And finally, this weekend the family and I are going to go to SeaWorld to see Sugarland in concert. I am thinking of holding up a sign that says 'Jennifer Nettles, pour some sugar on me.' 

TODAY IN HISTORY

1485: The Chief Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition, Peter Arbues, was bludgeoned from behind as he pray inside the cathedral at Saragossa, Spain. A fortnight later blood of the martyr liquefied on the floor of the cathedral -- a miracle! -- and numerous testimonies of healing occurring at his coffinside. The Catholic church canonized this brutal man in 1867. 1947: The infamous mobster Al Capone dead in Florida, his mind in dementia from long untreated syphillis. Capone was Alcatrazzed for eight years of his eleven year sentence for tax evasion, but had to be released due to deteriorating health. 1960: Actress Diana Barrymore commits suicide with alcohol and sleeping pills. 1971: Idi Amin Dada, everybody's favorite tyrant, comes to power in Uganda. 1971: Charles Manson and three of his followers are convicted in Los Angeles of the Tate and LaBianca murders. All were sentenced to the gas chamber, with sentences commuted to life imprisonment when the death penalty was temporarily abolished. 1980: Beatle Paul McCartney is deported from Japan for possession of nearly a half pound of marijuana. It is Paul's third pot bust and his second deportation, an earlier one occurring in Germany 20 years previously after setting fire to a condom. 1990: An Avianca Boeing 707 ran out of fuel and crashed in Cove Neck, N.Y.; 73 of the 161 people aboard were killed. 1993:  Pakistani Mir Aimal Kasi fires a rifle at CIA headquarters parking lot at rush hour in Langley, VA, killing two agents and wounding three others. Kasi wanted to punish the U.S. for acting against Iraq during the Gulf War, and other acts against unspecified islamic countries. 1994: Michael Jackson pays $10M in an out of court settlement to the family of 14 year old Jordy Chandler, who accused him of child molestation. Quote from the affidavit, citing May 1993 as the time period: "That's when the whole thing really got out of hand. We took a bath together. This was the first time that we had seen each other naked. Michael Jackson named certain of his children friends who had masturbated in front of him."

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

THIS Death star can't wait for a one-man fighter to maneuver straight down his trench and skim the surface. The target area is a small thermal exhaust port. The shaft leads directly to the reactor system.A precise hit will start a chain reaction.

HEROES

The month off was enough for me to start missing the show. Chapter Twelve opens two weeks after we last saw our heroes. Jessica has spent the intervening time pummeling prison guards from the looks of the fearful battered bunch that enter Niki/Jessica's cell in the opening scene. Not to worry, Jessica is concocting an insanity defense. Maybe "concocting" is too strong a word. Niki does have a really strong insanity defense. She and her husband D.L. have essentially exchanged places. Now she's the perceived dangerous criminal and D.L. is the sole protector of their son Micha. Hardly anything has gone the heroes' way during the hiatus. Sure, the Artist came out of his time in Odessa cured of heroin addiction, and is now able to paint without it, but most of the others are still suffering in the wake of previous events. Matt Parkman is back on the FBI's shit list after HRG (Claire's dad) uses the Haitian's ability to successfully block a search of the paper factory that hides the secret hero-buster base. Matt's FBI partner sure is fickle. Hasn't she had enough direct evidence of her temporary partner's psychic abilities in the past? She should have stuck by him again here, but she caves when he own boss comes down of her. Maybe this setback is what leads Matt to finally tell his wife the truth about his power. Nathan Petrelli, after a few pro-forma objects for prying ears, finally gives in and starts to allow, that yes, maybe something bigger than his own reputation is at stake here. NBC picked the funniest moment of the show, the Nathan/Hiro "villain" pronunciation scene, to preview all over TV and the web the past few weeks, but it was still funny seeing it again here in context. All the Hiro and Ando stuff was fun as usual. (So far Heroes has avoided much of the product placement moments that increasingly fuel NBC shows. But this week Hiro makes a pointed reference to the NissanVersa in an issue of 9th Wonders that he and Ando "drive everywhere.") The Artist's rendering of Hiro fighting a dinosaur with his samurai sword (well, samurai scabbard anyway) turned out to be a red herring and a bit of a disappointment. A CGI dinosaur rampaging down Fifth Avenue, or a very long trip into the past for Hiro, would have been over the top anyway. I prefer to forget the dinosaur painting incident, which is a waste of good precognition and acrylics. Simone did roll that painting up to take to the as-yet-unseen Linderman, so we are probably not done with it. Simone says Linderman buys as much of the Artist's work as he can, which surely is another clue the Lindeman knows more about what is going on than the average billionaire. Unless he's just really into comics. Now that most of the cast that dropped in on Odessa has left again, and HRG has used the Haitian to wipe Zach's memory, Claire is more alone and at a loss how to proceed than ever. She even has the time to ask the question that was on every viewer's mind some weeks ago. What the hell does "save the cheerleader. save the world" even mean? I appreciate the nod to the fans, but at this date it might have been better to just to let that one go. I blame the marketing department for overworking that phrase, and I just hope they go easier on "Are you on the list?" So far, they have seemed to. The show is good enough, and popular enough, without overclocking catchphrases. Claire does have the Haitian on her side, as he reminds her, but she has to keep his aid to her secret from her father, who she has more reason that ever to mistrust. So she starts to rebuild her friendship with the now heterosexual Zach. If Peter's dreams are a true indication, The Cheerleader should be getting her butt to New York in the next three weeks anyway. Speaking of New York, Mohinder is back from India and hot on the trial of Sylar. Yeah, he's a little out to the loop. But he's soon brought up to speed. HRG drops in to mess with his head, then apologizes and ask Mohinder to join his hero-containment efforts. Even the very big gun HRG plants on the table doesn't sway Mohinder. So HRG leaves his business card. The name, website, and 800 number of the cover paper supply company are so clearly shown in close up that I'm sure you can guess without even checking that NBC has set up for some online adventure of some kind: www.primatechpaper.com/ (1-800-PRIMA16). Evidently, they're hiring. And speaking of HRG in New York, the dude really does get around. For all we know, he has a teleportation ability, or maybe access to someone else's ability. Peter has a dream similar to his last one, which jolts him back out of that coma the first one sent him into. In the dream Nathan clearly communicates he can help Peter. Maybe by self-sacrifice and flying themselves into orbit? However, once he bolts from the hospital, Peter makes plans to head for the open desert where, he sensibly reasons, an exploding Nuclear Boy will do the least harm. Meanwhile the real Nuclear Man is holed up in a shack somewhere playing with himself, so to speak.
Peter's plane reservation plans are interrupted. He meets an invisible guy (Doctor Who's Christopher Eccleston), who looks to be yet another bad-off fellow who's power is much more a curse than a blessing. I do wonder why the first thing we see him steal is money, though when he can't use it to pay for anything. Poor guy, probably just bored. I'm looking forward to seeing how he and Peter interact next week, as a pair of invisible dudes, and how invisibility can possibly help Peter not become a nuke.

 

 

 

R.I.P.

These are the deaths so far in '07. Sneaky Pete Kleinow: (01/06)Well, he wasn't on anybody's list, so, that's kinda sneaky. Yvonne De Carlo: (01/08) She was 130-something when The Munsters was on, and that was in the '60s! Alice Coltrane:(01/12) Through the looking glass.Michael Brecker (01/13): He was a true pioneer of "light jazz," and without him, there could be no David Sanborn, no Kenny G. Thanks a billion, Mike. Art Buchwald (01/17) Art no longer imitates life.

P.P.T.V.

Three different Foghat links from Youtube.com.

Foghat- Fool For TheCity (live) Live Now Pay Later/ Foghat foghat it hurts me too

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 4: The folks at Sony would be insane if they weren't already talking to writer David Koepp about a sequel. I'd like to say I'd only see it if they cast Dylan Baker as the Lizard — but, heck, I'll go even if Spidey spends two hours busting guys who spit on the sidewalk.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: People made a big stink over "the bulge" in Superman Returns. But you ain't seen nothin' yet until you click this.

WALL-E: Get your first look at the star of the next Pixar animated film. Aww, ain't he adorable in an '80s "Number 5 is alive" kind of way? Gray Matters: From the trailer, it seems Heather Graham discovers that she's a lesbian and has sex with Bridget Moynahan. And they say dreams can't come true. (Hey, Spring, if you ever want to do your own blog, Gray Matters would be a perfect name.) Untitled Philip Marlowe Project: Likes to wear rumpled clothes? Check. Perpetual 5 o'clock shadow? Check. Constant three-day-bender glassy stare? Check. Yeah, Clive Owen was born to star as the iconic hard-boiled L.A. detective. Imperial Life in the Emerald City: As if putting us through the wringer with United 93 weren't enough, Paul Greengrass will be directing a movie about the aftermath of the Iraq invasion. I love Paul's movies, but I might need to pop some Valium before this one. Planet Green: Pity M. Night Shyamalan. First James Cameron steals his movie title, and now his next script is getting panned all over town. I'm still waiting for him to write a "surprise" ending where I get the two hours of my life back that I wasted watching Signs. The King of Kong: If you thought making a film about guys playing Donkey Kong might be strange, you might be shocked to hear that there are going to be two of them. I dunno, I was more of a Galaga man myself back in the day. Hounddog, Zoo, Teeth: In the most talked about films at Sundance: Dakota Fanning gets raped, a man dies while having sex with a horse and a girl grows teeth in her privates. If I knew it was going to be more like a disturbing porn convention in Park City this year, I'd have bought a plane ticket months ago. Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. Thanks to AOL Journals and my computer being screwed up, it only took me four hours to put this little nugget together, so, you better enjoy it. I will leave you with a random pic. Remember, spread the word, not the turd.

 

 

Sponsored By The Letter E

Hello, and welcome to the Phile. I am your host, Keith Urban. Now I bet this blog won't be dissed. Anyway, this blog had over a thousand hits, so in a way it's kinda like the blog version of Paris Hilton. So, the other night was the Golden Globes. It marked the start of the Hollywood award season. As you know the season runs from January 1st to December 31st. Britney Spears won an award for best net photo. Senator Hillary Clinton is back from her fact finding trip to Iraq. She found a lot of good facts – like the fact that in Iraq they hang people for adultery. David Beckham is coming to the United States. People say he could make a huge impact on the way Americans ignore soccer. Someone else is now running for president in 2008. Tom Tancredo. Today Tancredo started an exploratory committee for a presidential bid. So far the only member of the committee is Tom Tancredo. American Idol began its sixth season. Unfortunately Paula Abdul only remembers three of them. A new international survey has found that American believe in evolution less than any other industrialized nation. When asked why Americans pointed to Kevin Federline. Monday was  Martin Luther King Day. He was such a great speaker. He could really get people inspired. Now today we have George Bush and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They make you reach for the dictionary. President Bush says that his new plan will ensure that every Iraqi gets a piece of the oil business. Unlike here where the oil business gets a piece of every American. Are you folks football fans? Big weekend for football – the NFL playoffs continue, and this weekend, the Giants will be playing golf. And finally, Rosie and Donald are still feuding. It’s gotten pretty bad because Miss America has gone back to drinking again.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess Who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers? A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

Executives at Galoob Toys predicted big sales for Christmas 1994. With their new Sky Dancer, they would be the first toy company to combine the sparkly femininity of Barbie with the firepower of a bottle rocket. In December of that same year, a New York Times article predicted that if Galoob met its goals, Sky Dancer would "be all the rage, the sort of product that engenders black markets, toy-related bribes, and giddy newspaper stories invoking the word 'phenomenon.'" The writer, giddy himself over the "sprite's powerful launch," added, "For every parent who doubts Sky Dancer's safety ... there are 10 who feel the foam wings and take their softness as an assurance of safety." But six years later, the Sky Dancer was grounded. When spun aloft, the wings—which felt so soft and cushy in the aisles of Toys "R" Us—turned into steely-hard child manglers. In 2000, the CPSC announced that over 150 children fell prey to Sky Dancer's helicopter-blade arms and erratic "Oh-Jesus-it's-chasing-me!" flying patterns. Injuries included scratched corneas and temporary blindness, mild concussions, broken ribs and teeth, and facial lacerations that required stitches. Nearly nine million Sky Dancers were eventually recalled, leaving aspiring ballerinas to earn their battle scars the old fashioned way, with an eating disorder.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1945: The Auschwitz Death March began. 1978: "Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read." -- Frank Zappa, Chicago Tribune. 1983:  During a broadcast of "The Magic Christian," Bruce Blackman shoots and kills his family. He claims that he acted on orders received while watching the movie. 1990: Rusty Hamer, the actor who played Danny Thomas's son on Make Room For Daddy, shoots himself in the head with a .357 Magnum in DeRidder, Louisiana. Rusty was 42 years old. 1990: Washington DC mayor Marion Barry is arrested on cocaine possession charges at the Vista International Hotel, as he tokes on a glass crack pipe while being videotaped with his mistress Rasheeda. 1991: The United States admits that the CIA paid Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega over $300,000 during his career as undercover narc. 1998: An advertisement in Norway's primary daily newspaper Verdens Gang today depicted a used tampon made to resemble the Japanese flag, with the caption "We wish the female participants luck in Nagano" (the site of the 1998 Winter Olympics). The Japanese Embassy in Oslo has filed a protest.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

World War II is now long ago enough that the idea of French Stormtroopers is apparently OK with these people.

MOVIE BUZZ

Kurt Corbain Biopic: Courtney Love has acquired the film rights of the biography Heavier Than Heaven, about husband Kurt's life, probably since she's so out of it she can barely remember anything about him herself. I still miss Kurt.

Spider-Man 3:  Hey, did you miss that image of the Venom action figure that was going around the web last week that Sony made everyone take down? Psst, you can still see it here.

The Alexander Litvinenko Story: Johnny Depp and Michael Mann are both trying to work a film about the Russian spy who died from radiation poisoning. I always thought getting injected with radiation gave you superpowers, but maybe I just read too many comic books as a kid.

Hannibal Rising: A full-length trailer is finally showing online, and it seems they've turned the world's most sophisticated serial killer into a clone of Jigsaw. That's OK — the tagline alone, "He's hungry for revenge," makes me want to see this.

Jurassic Park IV: Extinction: A site has posted "scouting photos" from the upcoming sequel. Except for a chewed up JP car, they're fairly random shots of another uninhabited island-looking place. So, other than that one T. rex in San Diego, can't they get those dinos off the friggin' island already?

Disturbia: Sure, this looks just like a rip-off of Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window for the tweener set. But between this, Surf's Up and Transformers, 2007 is going to be the year of the LaBeouf. Of course, we all said that last year.

Suck City: You know how for every big film there's also a porno movie that tries to come up with a clever, dirty parody title? But when a serious drama has this title, they're gonna have a little trouble.

Babylon A.D.: You mean they let him back into Europe after XXX?

And now for the review of Harry and the Henderson's...I mean Arthur and the Invisibles. Starring Freddie Highmore, Mia Farrow, David Bowie, Madonna, Snoop Dogg, Jimmy Fallon, Robert De Niro, Anthony Anderson, Chazz Palminteri, Jason Bateman, Harvey Keitel, Emilio Estevez.  Live action and animation congeal into a stinky glop when a kid has to go into a fantasy world of tiny creatures to retrieve some jewels that will help his in-debt granny save her home from mean developers. The fantasy world is underground outside the house, so his "hero's journey" is more like a stroll. Meanwhile it's from Fifth Element loon Luc Besson, and the whole time I just sat there thinking about how many cool French movies didn't make it to America so that this one could. Accuse me of xenophobia if you will, but don't we have enough of our own crappy animated features to contend with in this country? Do we really have to import more awful ones from France and lend celebrity voices to them to keep our soon-to-be brain-damaged children from understanding what a good movie can look and feel like? I say we do. Besides the totally played out, aforementioned "hero" storyline and the useless casting of people like De Niro and the confusing plot stuff that never gets explained, we're treated to even more of that winking, wishes-it-were-hip sarcasm and irony that children barely understand and that parents love when the brats begin to mimic it. And that it's set in 1960 makes it even more excitingly inappropriate for the characters to talk that way. The best thing about the movie was David Bowie. He may be incapable of uncool behavior and you think scientists would have studied that quality in him by now. Also Madonna can add this to the short list of films she didn't single-handedly destroy with her participation. It destroys itself just fine. She's actually a neutral component. I hear that Disney is going to re-kick-start their traditional animation department again. Maybe now we can have a break from all these mono-dimensional 3D lumps of coal.

FINAL WORDS

Well, there you have it people. I don't know what's happening with the competition I mentioned in last week's entry, or if anyone gives two shit's about, but just spread the word, not the turd. If you liked the blog, talk about it, if you don't...keep your trap door shut. Anyway, here's a random pic.

 

Best.Blog.Ever

Hello, and welcome to the Peverett Phile, where we are slowly creeping up to a thousand views. This is the only blog I know that gets updated EVERY week for over a year! So, last night, ladies and gentlemen, there was a big policy address from President Bush about the war in Iraq, and President Bush revealed his new strategy for that war. So, ladies and gentlemen, time to dust off the old ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner. And also during his speech, Bush announced his plan for a phased withdrawal of Rosie O’Donnell from ‘The View.’ Have you been following the situation at ‘The View’? You know ‘The View,’ the show on ABC? Oh, it’s unbelievable. Rosie O’Donnell comes in and things go crazy. I mean, she’s an exciting, dynamic personality and has kind of a hair trigger. And yesterday, she and Barbara Walters got into a horrible fight in the make-up room, and Barbara Walters picked up a stool and went at her like that…and then Rosie busted off a beer bottle ... Yeah, it’s going to be better because they’ve gotten Rosie to agree to go off steroids. You probably saw this on the news, huge fires in Malibu. Five homes burned to the ground. Today Mel Gibson blamed it on Hanukah candles. Terrible fires in Malibu. Luckily nobody was injured. People had to evacuate. In fact, Britney spears ran out of the house without any underwear on. But that was two hours before the fire started. In fact, this was the first time homes in Malibu have been threatened by something other than divorce lawyers. They’re calling this fire the worst disaster to hit Malibu since President Bush’s re-election. President Bush last night announced that he is creating 20,000 new jobs. They are all in Iraq. As you know, President Bush said that he’s ordering a surge in troops in Iraq. You know, the last time a president had a surge, he got impeached. No, I’m sorry, that was an urge. I get confused. I guess President Bush wants to send in 20,000 more troops to Iraq because he believes it will stop the fighting. Did you hear about this? A U.S. submarine, the Newport News, collided with a Japanese oil tanker in the straits of Hormuz. When he heard about it, President Bush immediately called to make sure the oil was okay. Luckily nobody was injured. Speaking of that, oil prices continue to fall. It’s now dropped below 54 dollars a barrel. So if oil is less than 54 dollars a barrel whydid it cost me like $62 to fill up my car this morning? I know I’m not using the whole barrel! The Washington Post reports that John Kerry is hiring staff and preparing another run for the White House. He is telling people he will not make the same mistakes again. This time, all new mistakes. Governor Schwarzenegger has called for universal health care coverage for all Californians. He came up with this idea while breaking his leg falling down the ski slopes in Idaho. There’s nothing like a week of dealing with your HMO to convince you we need universal health coverage. This week, at the big consumer electronics show, in Las Vegas, apple unveiled their first combination iPod and cell phone. They say their goal is to create the most annoying person ever to sit behind you in a movie theater. Have you heard about this thing? It’s an iPod, cell phone, and also a camera. It allows you to surf the internet too. They expect it to completely dominate the electronic industry…for at least a week. How about a cell phone you can actually talk to people on…and hear them? Why don’t we try that first? Would you watch movies on a cell phone? How blind would you be then? As if people don’t have enough car accidents. "I can’t take this call, I’m watching a movie.” Taser International has begun selling a new stylish cell phone size stun gun for regular use by ordinary people. Normally you have to have a license. This is a stun gun that anyone can buy. It’s $350, and sends 50,000 volts for 30 seconds and can be used 50 times before re-charging. Look, if you live in a neighborhood where you have to stun attackers 50 times before you get home, you might want to move to a better neighborhood. Mark McGwire not getting into the hall of fame. Turns out his head is too big. Can’t get through ... According to researchers at the university of Texas, women who suffer from bad PMS have better memories. You know what they remember? Every stupid thing you ever did. A few days ago Ohio State was beat by Florida in the NCAA football championship game. Troy Smith the Heisman winner and quarterback for Ohio State only threw four complete passes. It was the most embarrassing performance by a Heisman winner since O.J. They were down by twenty at halftime. But that wasn’t the worst part of it. Did you see the bands at halftime? Did you hear what the Ohio State band played? They played the theme from Titanic! Is that the song you want to play there? And congress took the day off because of the game. The whole day off! The game didn’t start until the evening. Good to see the Democrats have their priorities straight. It’s good to see things aren’t business as usual. There was a strange odor covered New York City. This is no joke. It turns out the odor was from a swamp in New Jersey. Turns out the swamp is a protected area. It’s a sacred mob burial ground. Dick Cheney went duck hunting. He hunts and everyone ducks. That’s how that works. It's been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name "Rudolph Giuliani" so other candidates don't use his name in negative campaign ads. For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words "Ball-Buster," "Castrator" and "Nut-Cruncher." Caesar's Palace has announced that after five years, they've decided to end their exclusive concert engagement with Celine Dion. To maintain continuity, Caesar's will replace Dion with a shrieking baby and a car alarm. File this under I Come From A Nation Of Shopkeepers: the other day in England, an 80-year-old woman was out for a walk in the country when she was attacked by three wild pigs. Experts say this is odd because usually British food attacks you after you eat it. In show business news, there’s a rumor now that the band The Police is reuniting for the first time since 1986 for a benefit concert for the poor. The poor of course being Sting’s two other band members from the police. NBC, always on the forefront of new ideas, is bringing back the series "The Bionic Woman.” Do you think that will be a hit? I don’t know, these days a women walking around L.A. with a lot of fake body parts, is that a big deal anymore? Mike Tyson was arrested last week by Arizona police on cocaine charges. He’s now out on $25,000 bail. You know who paid his bail? The guy who was going to be his cellmate. I guess Britney and Kevin Federline have agreed to a temporary child custody arrangement. Turns out Britney’s nanny gets the kids during the week, and Kevin’s ex-girlfriend gets them on the weekends. Britney spears said her New Year’s resolution was to stop biting her nails. Thank goodness, because when I saw that photo of her getting out of the limo on the internet, I couldn’t believe how bad her nails looked. I was shocked to see how chewed up… According to statistics just released by the Census Bureau, six percent of men say they have had a homosexual experience. The experiences range from sex with another man to owning more than one Clay Aiken album. And finally, Tigger was accussed on hitting a kid at Disney. Coincidentally, Winnie The Pooh was heard saying "Bitch, betta have my honey."

BROKEN

UNFORTUANTE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Now that's what I call a Han Sandwich, am I right, ladies? Huh? Also: Natalie Merchant makes a decent Princess Leia, don't you think?

TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK

The average American uses 743 tissues each year. It takes 20 human searchers to do the work of just one rescue dog. Twenty percent of men admit to viewing Internet porn at work. Just 13% of women admit to doing so. It only takes seven pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear. The Tokyo World Lanes Bowling Center, with 252 lanes, is the largest bowling establishment in the world. A polar bear can eat 100 pounds of seal fat in one sitting. In ancient Egypt, the apricot was called the "egg of the sun." A newborn baby breathes five times faster than an adult man.The Pink Floyd album, "Dark Side of the Moon," stayed on the top 200 Billboard charts for 741 weeks (or 14 years). January is the deadliest month of the year in America, accounting for 9.4% of yearly deaths. The largest snowflake ever found was 15 x 8 inches. It was found on January 28, 1887, in Fort Keogh, Montana. The term "surfing the Internet" was created in 1992 by author Jean Armour Polly. She came up with the term because her mouse pad hada picture of a surfer on it. Just six percent of people say they keep a daily diary. January is National Soup Month. About 1.4 billion spam e-mails are blocked by AOL each day. Plymouth Rock weighs 10 tons.  but one of the actors playing members of the Fellowship of the Ring in the Lord of the Rings trilogy got a tattoo to remember their filmmaking experience. The tattoo was Elvish script symbolizing the number nine. The lone hold-out was John Rhys-Davies, or Gimli the dwarf. The ZIP in "ZIP code" stands for "Zone Improvement Plan." For more than 300 years (1655-1970), the British Navy administered a daily "tot" (two ounces) of rum to each sailor as a health ration. Lots of fishermen use gummi worms as bait.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are. The first mother says, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'" The second mother says, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'" The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'" The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle, "Well?" She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 3" hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper. When he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!'

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

"Feed Me!" begged the packaging for 1996's Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kid. And much like the carnivorous Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, the adorable lineup of Cabbage Patch snack-dolls appeared at first to be harmless. Theymerely wanted a nibble—a carrot perhaps, or maybe some yummy pudding. They would stop chewing when snack time was done—they promised. Then they chomped your child's finger off. In creating this innovative new toy, the great minds at Mattel devised a motorized mouth that sensed neither pleasure nor pain. It chewed for chewing's sake. With no mechanism to turn off the munching should trouble arise, it was only a matter of time before some cherub's long blonde hair got caught in the doll's rabid jaws. After 35 fingers and ponytails fell victim, the Snacktime Kids were removed from retail shelves forever, and 500,000 customers were offered a full $40 refund.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1960: Serial killer Henry Lee Lucas kills his 74 year old mother. He tells Toledo police that he raped her corpse, but later recants this. The murder ends his career as a serial killer; he is variously attributed to having killed between 100 and 600 people. The truth is probably below 100. 1962: In the Peruvian Andes, an avalanche buries 3,000 people alive as the volcano Huascaran erupts. 1964: The US Surgeon General warns against smoking for the first time. It's amazing how many dumbshits need to be told that inhaling smoke is harmful. 1966: Numerous people, including the mayor of Wanaque and their police chief, observe a UFO over Wanaque Reservoir, burning holes in the ice. The Air Force explained it as a weather balloon, but later withdrew that claim and called it a helicopter.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

A good bit of information is coming from the Doctor Who camp about the upcoming third series (what we call season here in the colonies). First off, the show will premiere in March in the UK and in the fall here in the US, most likely on SciFi Channel. David Tennant returns as the Doctor, but without his trusty partner Rose Tyler. That's because, to the disappointment of many fans, Billie Piper decided to quit the show after the second season. She will be replaced by Freema Agyeman as Martha Jones. If the name sounds familiar, or it looks like you've seen her before, that's because she had a small role in the Doctor Who episode "Army of Ghosts". What can the Doctor and Martha look forward to this upcoming season? Well, they'll meet up with William Shakespeare, confront witches and vampires, battle a Dalek invasion in 1930's Manhattan, and reunite with Captain Jack Harkness. As to those rumors about Tennant leaving the series at the end of this season, they may not be as true as originally thought. Right now David is committed through the fourth series of the show. It was rumored that both Robert Carlyle (The Full Monty) and David Morrissey (Basic Instinct 2) were being considered to replace Tennant in the middle of the fourth series. Those rumors have since been denied.

MOVIE BUZZ

The Dark Knight: Does it ever end? As per usual, Batman On Film is spewing out random names of people they claim to be swirling around the Harvey Dent/Two Face role in Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins follow-up, The Dark Knight. As most of you are probably already aware, Billy Dee Williams played Harvey Dent (the District Attorney version) in Tim Burton's original Batman flick, while Tommy Lee Jones picked up the character when he re-emerged as Two Face in Batman Forever. Nolan, on the other hand, seems like he wants the same actor to play both Dent and Two Face (even though there's a pretty good chance the latter baddie won't show up until the third film), and so casting in that respect is not only crucial, but probably pretty tough. You need an actor capable of playing a bold, straight-laced attorney -- but at the same time, someone comfortable with shaking off the good guy image and taking on the nutty, villainous psychopath. Is that something Jamie Foxx can do? After all, he is one of the three possible contenders mentioned -- along with Edward Norton (now, I love that choice) and Eion Bailey. It's important to note that Norton's people have denied all involvement ... though, even if they did know something, there's no way they'd spill anything. Also, Bailey, like Cillian Murphy (who wound up in the part of Scarecrow in Batman Begins) was one of those folks competing for the Batman role before it went to Christian Bale. So, could Nolan pull a "Murphy" and stick Bailey in another role? Obviously he digs the guy, so anything is possible. As far as Jamie Foxx goes, we have no idea how his name found itself on this list ... buuuut, it certainly does raise a few eyebrows.

Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End: Everyone knows I'm a big fat sucker for the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, so you can probably expect a whole lot of Pirate-related booty to churn out of my keyboard over the next four-plus months. Case in point: AICN just got their hands on a half-dozen rather nifty promotional pics for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. And obviously I think they're awesome.
We get single character posters for the gay William Turner, the lovely Elizabeth Swann, the exceedingly eccentric Captain Jack, the wonderfully resurgent Barbossa and -- oh, cool -- our first good shot of Chow Yun Fat as Captain Sao Feng -- whom I'm willing to bet is a baddie. The coolest promo piece by far is one that collects all five characters into one fairly slick pic. Click right here to enjoy the piratical promotionals. (POTC3 opens on May 25, don't forget. I'm trying to drum up a little support for this little series.)

Wonder Woman: We now officially have another name to throw in the Wonder Woman pot -- this time around, it's actress Sophia Bush who seems to be raising more than a few eyebrows. IESB recently sat down with Bush to discuss her role in The Hitcher remake, and decided to bring up a rumor they had heard awhile back but never wrote about. When asked whether she had discussed playing Wonder Woman with the powers that be, Bush simply replied, "Maybe." Oh, and then she smiled. Bush's name has now been added to a long list of potential actresses up for the role, which includes Bollywood actress Priyanka Chopra, Charisma Carpenter, Jessica Biel, American Idol's Katherine McPhee (chalk that one up as the most bizarre), Rachel Bilson and my wife. Just kidding about the last one. Though we still don't know exactly where Joss Whedon is in the production process (re-writing draft 15, perhaps?), it can't be long before his star is announced. As far as Sophia Bush goes, she fits the perfect age range (unlike back when she was replaced by Claire "Why am I so boring" Danes in Terminator 3 for being "too young"), certainly looks the part (then again, there are thousands of pretty brunettes out there in La La Land) and, according to IESB, she has a kick-ass physique -- one that's capable of, well, kicking ass. So I guess we'll see -- is "maybe" with a smile enough to get excited?

And now for the review of Night At The Museum starring Ben Stiller, Carla Gugino, Dick Van Dyke, Mickey Rooney, Ricky Gervais, Robin Williams, Charlie Murphy, Steve Coogan, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson. Stiller battles big dinosaur bones that come to life at his night-watchman gig. Also a monkey. And you'll be pleased to know that Williams does not play the monkey. Then divorced dad Stiller earns the respect of his kid because a movie about dinosaur bones coming to life also has to have a subplot about self-esteem and other human stuff shoehorned into it. This is one of those holiday entertainment machines that have to come out every year for families to go see together. Movies like this should designed to be memorable, not serviceable, something for you to kill two hours together when you're all sick of being in the same house. You get into the entertainment machine; it takes your debit card number; it jostles you around, yells at you in THX, then you get out of the machine and go get ice cream. The best parts of the movie are when Coogan, Gervais and Wilson enter the frame. They don't do this enough. And every time the monkey torments Stiller. It's not all that hilarious, I just like watching Stiller be abused and peed on by a little monkey. There are also good monkey-friend reaction shots of them screaming and clapping. Everything's better with monkeys. This was one of my favorite comedy movies of the year, and the day it comes out on DVD I'm going to buy it.

Well, how's that for a fully loaded Phile. Now, last week I promised a competition, so here it is. I want the Phile to hit over two thousand views this year, so I need your help. Whoever can get the most people to read the Phile will win something. Advertise it on your Myspace page, talk about it on the radio, put up posters all over your college, whatever you do, talk about how much you love the Phile. Then send me proof to the Peverett Phile's Myspace page to prove you did this. I am planning on making a Peverett Phile t-shirt to be sold on cafepress.com which should help. I want my blog to be the most read blog on AOL Journals. Then, maybe it can branch off to its own web page. So, you know what to do. Spread the word, not the turd, and good luck. Get everybody you know to read it...every week. I will now leave you with a random pic.

 

Year Of The Phile

Hello, one and all, and happy new year. So, did you stay up to celebrate? I tried to, but fell asleep by 11:45. Britney Spears's manager is denying reports that Britney passed out on New Years Eve and instead says she was exhausted and fell asleep after leading the New Years Eve countdown. When asked why she was so tired, Britney said: "Countin' is hard!" Earlier this evening at the White House, President Bush welcomed new members of Congress with a "bicameral, bipartisan reception." Or, as Bush calls it, "a bye-bye." The first Muslim member of Congress is planning to be sworn in on a copy of the Koran that was once owned by Thomas Jefferson. The Congressman says he found Thomas Jefferson's Koran on the shelf next to George Washington's torah. Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will automatically stop the car if the driver has had too much to drink. The device is called "oncoming traffic." A toy company has come out with new dolls based on the characters from "Desperate Housewives." The company says the "Desperate Housewives" doll are perfect for the little girl who's on her third marriage. The other day in Spain, a 67-year-old woman gave birth - making her the world's oldest new mother. Reportedly the mother and baby are doing fine but the doctor is still nauseated. We are going to be sending more troops to Iraq. President Bush is calling this a surge and not an escalation. Well duh. Sure that’s what he’s going to say. A one syllable word versus a four syllable word. Starting January 23rd Canadians will need a passport to get into the United States. This is to discern non U.S. citizens from U.S. citizens. Look, all we need to do is look at the people with big bags of cheap prescription drugs to know which ones are Americans. Hillary Clinton is running fourth in Iowa in the presidential polls. Things are so bad her new Secret Service code name is The Peverett Phile. Pat Robertson says that God told him personally that a major terrorist attack will happen in the United States in 2007. God says that’s not true and whenever Pat calls he lets the answering machine get it. Airline employees at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport say they saw a UFO. You know what this means – they’ve been drinking again! Saddam was hung the other day, and coincidentally, so was I.

BROKEN

It appears that smoking giant, human-sized cigarettes isn't allowed in Tokyo's Harajuku station.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Jedi robe: $50. Judo Gi: $30. Leather boots: $80. Replica prop lightsaber: $300. All that, and yet this guy can't shell out a few extra bucks for a pair of contact lenses to finish the job.

CANNED LAUGHTER

It's said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

The 70-year-old groom and the 25-year-old bride attracted attention as they checked into the resort hotel. The next morning, at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a happy tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later, the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and sat across from her 70-year-old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are, a young bride with an old husband, and you're looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy double-crossed me," said the bride. "He told me he saved up for 60 years, and I thought he was talking about money!"

WORST TOYS OF ALL TIME

Mini-hammocks seemed innocuous enough. No projectiles, no lead paint, no sharp edges, and no explicit danger (except sloth). But between the years of 1984–1995 the EZ Sales mini-hammock, oft marketed under the name "Hang Ten," managed to hang 12. CPSC reported in August 1996 that the product had resulted in the fatal and near-fatal asphyxiation of dozens of kids ages five to 17 and recalled three million of them. Among the banned EZ products were Hangouts Baby Hammocks, or "Baby's First Death Cocoon," woven from thin cotton and nylon strings. The culprit was a missing set of "spreader bars," supports meant to keep the hammock open when it was "at ease." Unfortunately, children seeking to spend an afternoon like Gilligan became entangled in the net and strangled to death. That's what happens when you spend $4 on a hammock.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1943: Josef Stalin appears as Time's 1942 "Man of the Year". 1961:  Schrodinger is half dead today. 1964: The Boston Strangler Albert DeSalvo kills his final victim, Mary Sullivan, age 19, at her Charles Street apartment. 1997: Rumors run rampant through Israel, particularly over talk radio, that a UFO will land at Tel Aviv on the following day. The predictions are purported to have been made by spoonbender Uri Geller. Thousands flock to the beaches, but no saucers.

R.I.P.

This heading shouldn't be called R.I.P. It should be R.I.E.H.Y.M.F.B. (Rest In Eternal Hell You Mother Fucking Bastard).

Saddam Hussein: Typical. As his final act on Earth, this asshole completely fucks dead pool players all over the world.

MOVIE BUZZ

Transformers: Little kid, check. Swimming pool, check. Yep, it's Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World all over again.

James Brown Biopic: Spike Lee is going to turn the late Godfather of Soul's life into a movie, which is awesome. But please, please, please include this bit where he was drunk on TV.

The Kingdom: The star of the silly The Jamie Foxx Show is now in an action movie alongside Silver Spoons co-star Jason Bateman. It's like the '80s all over again, and they're the new Jay Leno and Pat Morita in Collision Course.

Blonde Ambition: Willie Nelson will co-star (again) with Jessica Simpson in this quasi-remake of Working Girl. I will only go see this movie if they have a really disturbing sex scene together. *Shudder.*

Real Genius 2: Speaking of the '80s, Val Kilmer wants to stop being a joke and start making jokes again — like he did in his early comedies. Personally, I'm still waiting for Willow 2: The Revenge of Madmartigan. Now that would kick butt.

The Oxford Murders: Elijah Wood will help solve a string of murders in merrie ol' England. Although I would assume those giant hairy hobbit feet aren't so good for tiptoeing around a crime scene.

Well, that's another entry of the Phile. We are coming up to a thousand views already in a year, which is not bad, but I am greedy, I want over 2000 by Summer. So, my friends, for a year now I've been saying 'spread the word and not the turd', and this time I mean it. Send the Phile to all your friends on Myspace, in your address book, your family, friends, whoever,a nd tell them how good it is, even if you think it sucks. Check out the Myspace Peverett Phile site as well. Next week I will reveal the Phile's first competition, where you will win something cool. So, start spreading. In the meantime, I will leave you with a random pic. Spread the word and not the turd.

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