It's The Great Trumpkin, Peverett Phile 5 Pheaturing Orville Peck

 

Hey, children, welcome to the Phile... it's the great Trumpkin. Happy Halloween, I am a plague doctor. The scariest thing we can do for Halloween s start thinking about Christmas. Anyway, like I said this year for Halloween I am a plague doctor. Thanks to the COVID-19 pandemic, the crow mask, aka, the "plague doctor mask" is once again a popular Halloween costume. During the bubonic plague, the weird beak mask was basically the equivalent of the N95 mask for COVID frontline workers in 2020. There’s a lot of speculation that the black crow mask didn’t actually help plague doctors. You’d think that this long nose-design could keep droplets away, but they weren’t exactly plague-proof. What is the plague doctor mask you ask? According to National Geographic, these masks were designed to purify poisonous air. The outfit and mask were designed by Charles de Lorme, a 17th-century physician. The coats were covered in scented wax, and the bird mask had a 6-inch beak filled with perfume. The perfume was actually herbs. Unfortunately, the beak shape didn’t always keep droplets from reaching doctors’ nostrils. The eye holes were also quite spooky. Doctors wore spectacles, making the mask look very similar to a bird. Besides the long black coat, plague doctors also carried canes, which I didn't get. It’s been said that the rod was to help doctors keep victims away. Okay, imagine poking people with a cane. I’m surprised people aren’t doing this at Costco yet! Maybe these bird beak masks weren’t high-quality, but they did what they could to avoid the Black Death. Heck, some of us are wearing reusable face masks that aren’t technically medical-grade as well. There truly isn’t a better time than now to be a plague doctor for Halloween. 

A Houston, Texas woman is in trouble with her neighborhood homeowner’s association because of her strip club themed Halloween decorations. Look at this...

Angela Nava of Richmond, Texas decided she wanted to bring some laughs and a little bit of joy to her neighborhood during this terrible year and the COVID-19 pandemic with this hot and spooky scene. She came up with the idea for a stripper themed Halloween display in her front yard months ago and when the season finally hit, she was ready with the necessary Halloween decor. She erected the skeleton strip club, complete with pole dancing skeletons and sexy lighting. People laughed. They took pics. It was a hit! Forget haunted houses, she had a lit AF Halloween party on her lawn. Well, to some, anyway. For others, not so much. Unfortunately for Nava, she lives in a “family-friendly neighborhood” or so the HOA claimed. It’s not appropriate for little kids in cute little Halloween costumes running up to houses to get candy to see some spooky dead strippers. The HOA has told her to take the creative Halloween decorations down but the deadline to remove them before she gets in trouble is after Halloween. With that being the case, Nava has decided to keep the decorations up, angry parents be damned. And the best... and most typical... part of all this is that no neighbors have actually approached her about the unusual Halloween props decorating her front yard. They anonymously complained to the HOA and that’s it. Maybe it was the positions of the skeletons they had a problem with? There are some suggestively spread legs, after all. At least none of the dancers is doing anything appropriate with a Halloween pumpkin? Personally I would have made the pumpkins the men in the audience and given them some singles.

At Spirit Halloween, the Halloween party store that possesses empty strip mall shops to sell costumes and decor only to be exorcised from their 8 billion impermanent locations on November 1st, the decorations like to live up to expectations. Spirit Halloween stores are filled with all sorts of random creepy stuff, including life-size Halloween animatronics of characters like Michael Myers, the Grim Reaper, and a zombie baby to help set the mood. The sort of Halloween prop you’d buy and put at your front door to help you scare trick-or-treaters on Halloween night if you have an extra couple hundred bucks lying around and don’t mind the thing breaking before the night is over. Personally, I recommend the possessed baby prop. It’s the perfect addition to every psycho’s scary Halloween decor idea mood board. The point is, you should reasonably expect something to randomly move and maybe startle you when you walk into the Halloween costume superstore. The store is called Spirit Halloween, obviously they want to celebrate the spirit of Halloween. 

This woman went through the two stages of the jump scare prank. First, fear. Shameful, crippling, fear. Then, rage. She is pissed. That scarecrow went “boo” and she screamed back, “BITCH!” It’s hard to blame her. He’s lucky she didn’t not the stilts out from under him. I would have been (kind of?) justified. Either way, keep your head on a swivel when you walk into the Spirit Halloween store that was where Payless Shoes used to be. There may be a scary surprise waiting for you behind every cheap, collapsable shelf.

Every October is littered with Halloween costume and pumpkin carving fails but one little boy’s Jack-O’-Lantern may have taken said #fails to an extra level. 

Posted to social media by an incredulous mother unable to tell her child that he’d just carved an ejaculating penis into a pumpkin, this Halloween decoration disaster is just top-notch work. As far as works of art go, this is up there. As the mom explained to the Facebook group “This Fills Me with a Rage I Didn’t Anticipate," her kid wanted to carve a machete dripping blood. A spooky design much more in line with the holiday than the smiley, happy faces usually carved into pumpkins, as is Halloween tradition. This DIY gore-core decoration, however, very obviously did not go as planned. Now there’s a carved pumpkin with a penis on it sitting either in this family’s house or, better yet, on their porch. Here’s hoping they’re hosting a Halloween party today. The amount of penises accidentally carved into pumpkins every year in America has to be astronomical. Machetes and chainsaws are extremely phallic. Even more mundane stuff like Minions could easily be turned into a wang by a poor carver. Unless you’re doing a classic pumpkin carving or carving something unambiguously sharp-edged the threat of accidentally putting a dick on display for all the kids trick-or-treating in your neighborhood is oddly and unfortunately high. Carving a scary snake? Yeah, no, that’s a cock. How about a classic ghost. You know, sheet over the head, etc. That’s a dick too. It’s all dicks. Everything you’re carving is male genitalia. Just stick to the smiley faces with crooked teeth.

This is definitely one way to get some sort of fame and attention. A woman named Amethyst Realm, who had recently claimed that she was engaged to a ghost, has actually called off the wedding. Why? Because her invisible fiancé “kept disappearing” and started “partying” too much. In an interview with UK TV show, “This Morning,” Realm explained how she had fallen in love with a “sexy” spirit named Ray while on a trip in Australia back in 2018, even consummating their “love” on the flight back home. Ray apparently had popped the question on their nine-month anniversary, and Realm and her ghost fiancé were on vacation in Thailand when she claimed to noticed that he was acting differently. “I think maybe he fell in with a bad crowd when we were on holiday. He just started becoming really inconsiderate,” Realm said with the utmost seriousness, “He’d disappear for long periods of time. When he did come back, he’d bring other spirits to the house and they’d just stay around for days.” She explained how she thinks he started “doing drugs and partying a bit much,” and that they both came to the agreement to not get married. Now, I’m not sure what the spirit world is all about, but it’s hard for me to believe any truth in how this British woman calls a ghost her fiancé with no intention of making some sort of Halloween joke. And to think about how they “consummated” their relationship on their way back from Australia… what kind of strange noises were heard on that flight?! I get there are ghost lovers out there. But if you want to become some sort of celeb, is this really a way to do it? You can’t be trending on social media for literally anything else? What were her son and daughter look like if she and Ray were to decide to have children? I’m honestly really curious about this, I swear.

It's time again to show you the Great Trumpkin this year! 

Hahahaha. I don't think that pumpkin is as scary as this one...

Man, there's some crazy decorations out this year but I think this one wins...

Gotta wear a mask, people. If I had a TARDIS I would go back to see what Halloween was like in the 1920s...

Never mind, I didn't know it'll be that scary. Do you like pizza rolls? You have to wait for them to cool down before you eat them otherwise this would happen...

So, you know the movie The Shining with those twins and the pic above? Did you know I was supposed to play the twins. Here's proof...

They said I wasn't scary enough but I differ. Hahaha. And you know the movie Beetlejuice? It's one of my least favorite movies ever, but I was supposed to play the role of Beetlejuice before Michael Keaton got the part. Here's proof of that...

I'm the ghost with the most, or something he says, right? That's really funny. Not the movie, but that pic. We all remember trick-or-treating in that one rich neighborhood where they gave out full-size chocolate bars. But one wealthy parent is asking if they're in the wrong after they prevented less well-to-do residents from flocking to their street to collect candy. The parent emailed the Phile to ask for guidance. 

"I live in a large neighborhood, about 90 houses. We are what's considered the 'rich' neighborhood. So our neighborhood as always been a hotspot for trick or treaters. We used to get about 700 to 1000 kids a year, I've always loved getting trick or treaters because my kids are teens now and don't trick or treat anymore. But in the last four years, it's gotten ridiculous. There's thousands of kids and their parents flooding the streets, people with hay in their rigs carrying kids around, trampling yards, littering candy wrappers everywhere, and the amount of small children walking around by themselves is APPALLING. People from the neighboring town of 30,000 people take their kids to my neighborhood. I was annoyed, but I never really did anything about it till two years ago. My daughter tripped and broke her arm (we didn't think it was a break but we wanted to go to the er anyway to get it checked out) and there were so many people in our neighborhood, we couldn't get out. There were cars everywhere, lining the streets, parked in people's yards, it was horrible. We had to wait until everyone left (about 1 a.m.) to go to the hospital. My daughter had to wait in pain for HOURS. At that point, I was done. I contacted the neighborhood community and we managed to get some folks (cops mostly) to stand the at the gate with a list and only let in certain people. Folks that live here, family members, friends. If you wanted to get in, you had to be close to someone in the neighborhood. It was great, there were only about 300 kids in the neighborhood and after there was barely any trash. And, we're doing it again this year. I recently told my sister what I have done, and she got really angry. When we were kids, we had to trick or treat in other neighborhoods because we lived in a trailer park with no other kids. She told me I was a horrible person for ruining thousands of kids Halloween. But honestly, I'm not too broken up about it. It was a hazard, if there was a fire or an emergency, no one would be able to get in to help. When I was a kid, there was never any cars lining the streets, the residences could get out if they wanted, it was never dangerous. I don't think I'm in the wrong, but I've always respected my sister's opinion. Jason, am I wrong here? Info: there was no one in the cars. They were parked in the middle of the road and in yards so there was no way for me or an ambulance to get through unless every driver in that neighbor at the same time went to their cars at the same time and drove out. My daughter was 13 and in that awkward phase where she doesn't want to bother anyone for help, and said it didn't hurt that bad." You didn't ruin Halloween for anyone. People still need to behave. The kids can still have fun. Parents just have to actually parent them now because someone else is watching. What if instead of a broken arm, your daughter (or anyone else who lived there or anyone who was just visiting the neighborhood for the festivities) had a heart attack, or a stroke, or an anaphylactic allergic reaction, or any number of other time-contingent medical emergency? Halloween in your neighborhood had become a health and safety hazard. You did the right thing to mitigate that danger. Your neighbourhood is not set up for carnival. If the number of people and vehicles obstruct essentially services then that’s beyond ridiculous. Also let’s not forget the "plague" at the moment, crowds like that should be banned at this time. It sucks for those kids, it really does. But when this became a hazard to people's safety and ability to get medical attention, something had to be done. I'm sure there are other neighborhoods that children can go to. Not just the richest one. You didn't ruin halloween for anyone. You made it easier on others in your neighborhood. So there you have it: there's no concrete answer as to whether this is right or wrong. Anyway, somehow I'm suddenly craving a full-size Hershey's bar. If you have a problem you would like me to help with then email me at thepeverettphile@gmail.com. Now from the home office in Port Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Things Said About Celebrating Halloween In 2020

5. Sure, trick or treating is off the table, but that doesn't mean Halloween is canceled. My child and I will be celebrating the old fashioned way, by burning an artisanal pentacle into our floor and summoning spirits from the netherworld.

4. This year Halloween feels redundant.

3. If COVID think it's stopping my Halloween, it has severely underestimated my willingness to dress up in a costume and sit on my own couch eating snacks.

2. Dressing up as a COVID denier for Halloween is easy. You don't even need a mask.

And the number one thing said about celebrating Halloween in 2020 is...

1. A little girl just started crying at my Halloween decorations. I know the emotion I should be feeling isn't pride but... HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is a really hard one, kids. If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hard to believe we're 7 months into a pandemic that has killed over a million people and some people are still like "I won't wear a mask, because FREEDOM." And yet, we must believe it. Because COVIDiocy is an epidemic as widespread as the virus itself. "COVIDiots" are tough to reason with. Especially because their mere maskless existence could literally kill you if you try to talk to them IRL. So if you encounter one in the wild, the best and safest thing you can do is post about it. Internet-shaming may be our best tool against this particularly dangerous strain of human stupidity.

Patient with fever removes mask on female nurse and spits on her face in Wuhan, saying "I don’t want to live anymore and you guys should not live too!" Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jefferson, New York shall we?

Looks like a nice Halloween day there. Now for some sad news...

Sean Connery 

August 25th, 1930 — October 31st, 2020 

Diamonds are forever. Bonds? Not so much.

Now for some pumpkin...

Phact 1. A farmer named Tony Dighera developed a plastic mold to put over his pumpkins so that they grow into the face of Frankenstein. Known as “Pumpkinsteins," it took him 4 years, 27 varieties of pumpkin and $400,000 to perfect his idea. 

Phact 2. 90% of the pumpkins grown in the U.S. are raised within a 90-mile radius of Peoria, Illinois.

Phact 3. According to the scientific definition of the term pumpkins, bananas, and watermelons are all considered berries, whereas blackberries, strawberries, and raspberries are not. 

Phact 4. The canned pumpkin most people use for pumpkin pie is actually just butternut squash. 

Phact 5. Until 2015, Starbucks' Pumpkin Spice Latte contained no actual pumpkin.

Bit-O-Honey

Bit-O-Honey is the most delicious way to wire your jaw shut. 

The 139th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club is...

The great Lenny Kravitz will be on the Phile in a few weeks. He's so cool. 

Today's pheatured guest is a country musician based in Canada. He wears a fringed mask and has never shown his face. He released his debut album "Pony" in 2019, followed by the EP "Show Pony" this year, both available on iTunes, Amazon and Spotify. Please welcome to the Phile... Orville Peck.

Me: Hello, Oeville, thanks for being on the Phile. How are you? 

Orville: I'm good, thanks for having me. 

Me: So, what's the deal with the mask? 

Orville: I always wear this mask. 

Me: Okay, so, can I call you a country singer? 

Orville: Country "star" actually. 

Me: Ahhh. Okay. So, were you always a country music fan? 

Orville: Since I was little, I grew up in a very creative household and I listened to all kinds of music. My father was a sound engineer for bands from the 60s and 70s. He did sound for bands like Suzi Quatro and Sweet. He used to love with Brian Johnson from AC/DC. 

Me: So, did you know these people? 

Orville: I'm not that old, Jason. 

Me: I know, but my dad knew different music people as well and some of them I knew. So, is your dad still a sound engineer? 

Orville: Yeah, but he's mostly doing film and TV now. 

Me: So, what kinda music did you used to listen to? 

Orville: A lot of glam rock and AC/DC and stuff like that. My mom played me a lot of "world music," music that is not Northern American. 

Me: Like what? 

Orville: I listened to a lot of African music growing up and a lot of 60s African pop and stuff like that. When I was a teenager I loved punk rock so I played in a bunch of punk rock bands. 

Me: But nope you're a country singer, so where was that change? 

Orville: All though out that I really loved country music. When I was younger I loved Dolly Parton and I kinda listened to a lot more female country when I was a kid and I think that is because I think they sang from a slightly more marginalized perspective and I felt more in touch with that whether than Waylon Jennings or something. The older I gotten I listen to a lot more Johnny Cash, Townes Van Zandt, things like that. 

Me: I know people who love country music and people who don't like it. Why do you think people don't like it? 

Orville: I think what people get wrong about country music is that people who don't listen to it, or don't like it, or don't like it probably because of class reasons. They associate it because of instrumentation, but if they like country music it's the greatest media for storytelling in the world. 

Me: So, what do people, think about your music? 

Orville: I always joke that my biggest critics are people that don't know anything about country music. I get some flack from some places that is what I'm doing country, is it authentic? All that kinda stuff. I have always thought as country as this massive genre. There's blue grass, there's Americana, folk music, alt-country... there's so much room for diversity within country music and I think it gets a bad rap because people have a certain idea of what they think country music is. 

Me: So, what do you love the country music, Orville? 

Orville: I always thought country music was exciting. I come from a theatrical background and I always loved the bold storytelling. The thing that really drew me to country to is we have these people like Merle Haggard and Porter Wagoner who is a pretty conservative guy but wearing bedazzled nudey suits and singing about their mothers. I think it's something I could sink my teeth into. It's amazing, its like John Waters, it's kinda cool. It's so theatrical and the word play... I think there's a lot of similarities between country music and rap, the word play and the wit and the sort of razzing each other. That all exists in country, I think country music is exciting. I don't know why anyone wouldn't be a fan of country music. 

Me: So, album "Pony," is that a personal record that you sing about personal stuff? 

Orville: It is. I'm sort of like a chatty introvert/extrovert I think. I'm an easy person to get along with people I think but it wasn't until I was much older I realized I was actually quite a closed person personally and it's not easy for me to talk about really personal stuff so I think this album was really cathartic for me in a way. 

Me: Why is that? 

Orville: Some of the things I sing about I never talked to anybody about and the things I've gone through and so that obviously was nerve-wracking. But It's been so incredible because performing that at shows, it could be a sold out show and everyone is singing along to the words and they're having a reaction and they're having a connection to it. It feels like group therapy now. It's just like this wonderful cathartic thing, but it's something I never experienced before actually. 

Me: Okay, so, I need to talk about the mask some more. What's the real deal with it? 

Orville: I want you to describe the mask, and I like how other people describe it and my music. I think it's interesting to leave it up to everyone's interpretation. 

Me: Okay, so it's a Lone Ranger mask with fringe coming down. How's that? 

Orville: You said "Lone Ranger" so that tells me something about you. 

Me: I was gonna say Lone Ranger, Robin the Boy Wonder or Zorro. 

Orville: I get varying responses about what people think. 

Me: What do other people say about it? 

Orville: You know, I don't like to taint it, I really like to keep it open. But people will say very different things about what they think it is. It's really interesting to me because it really tells me a lot about the person. It's the same as what people interpret what I sound like or people like to compare to stuff. I like to hear that. 

Me: What my interoperation tells you is that I'm secretly 107-years-old. Hahahaha. I only like TV shows that used to be radio shows. 

Orville: Well, now you you know why I wear a mask... I might be 107-years-old too. 

Me: So, what does the mask do you creatively? 

Orville: I have two kinda things about with the mask. One of them is kinda long winded thing about my philosophy behind the art form of masks, and the performance art form of masks and I trained in the Jacques Lecog mask studies for a few years. If anyone knows what that's about, it's about these varying degrees of masks that we do as a performer. One of them is called the neutral mask and that's what my mask is. It actually reveals more than it conceals. The basic philosophy is if people wear masks every day without wearing a mask so there's a lot of things we affect through our features and what we've trained ourselves to do that actually conceals he way we are feeling or the way we are in a lot of ways. So sometimes blocking out massive features on our faces it actually allows other people to see things about us that they wouldn't be able to see in other cases. It's a really cool art form and a lot of people are walking around with their faces blurred out and we start to notice things about people's mannerisms and I actually connects you to the person a lot quicker than if they're not wearing it which is fascinating. 

Me: Connects how?

Orville: It connects people quickly I've experienced it in a room full of people of 800 people where I look at them in the eye and no one blinks and no one looks away and I could tell that they feel connected to me. It sounds super whatever but it's kinda like a magical thing. All of that being said my other stance on it I'm a country-western star and my mask is what it is. I think I live in a world where I think way too much about it and I also don't think about it at all. 

Me: The mask has nothing to do with you singing personal songs?

Orville: No, it's kinda in a weird way coincidental. I'm not trying to keep anonymous but I will say it probably helped me feel a little bit of confidence to go out and sing super personal stuff to people. But I think it's helpful to actually it still gives me a lot more sincerity of stage because I feel I don't have to perform in a weird way. I can just kinda do it. 

Me: What's your crowd like? 

Orville: That's actually the best part of the tours we go on. We sold out shows practically the entire tour and me and my band played in lots of bands and toured a lot and I think the thing that everybody remarked on that was unique was the mix of people at every show. In the front row there would be a drag queen next to a put rocker next to some frat dudes, next to a mom and dad. Then there'll be an old country dude with a Stetson on. I mean it really is insane at the amount of different people that seem to like the album. I say that in a genuinely shocked would be the wrong word but... 

Me: Are you surprised by it? 

Orville: I'm not surprised because I believe so much in country music in general and storytelling and connectability of country music. I'm not shocked in sense but it's really gratifying I guess. It's really reassuring. We played in America that people might think are very conservative maybe. Like I said there will always be a drag queen at our shows, queer people and trans people coming up to me afterwards and telling me what I mean to them. It really is the best part about it. It seems to really connect with a lot of different people and everyone is so on board with it. We have people singing along and people dressing up. I've never been to a show where there's just a unique crowd and everybody can feel it. It's quite magical in the space and it's just cool. 

Me: So, I love the song "No Glory in the West" from your new EP. What is the story behind that song? 

Orville: "No Glory in the West" is the accompanying sister song to "Summertime" another song on the EP. Where "Summertime" is about biding our time and the positive side of that and "No Glory in the West" is sort of like is about sometimes you hope and something we're working hard for could be disheartening. And the road towards that could be really difficult. 

Me: The EP is called "Show Pony," is there a relationship with the album "Pony"? 

Orville: I've been doing that "Show Pony" is like the middle sister between "Pony" and what the next album will be. "Show Pony" is an evolution of what "Pony" was in a sense. In another way it has songs that could have existed on "Pony" as sell I think. With obviously the connection with the title I feel like "Show Pony" has ribbons in its hair, it had its mane curled and it's been judged up a but but at the end of the day it still kind of like the sad little pony. LOL. Maybe that's the image that comes to mind with this EP. But I do honestly believe that with my lyrics and my writing on this EP I felt like I had this big boost of encouragement in the confidence to go further with what I did on "Pony" and not really hold back. I think I've written my most personal songs on this EP I just tried to dive deeper I guess. 

Me: You cover the Reba song "Fancy," and I admit you did a lot better version. Hahaha. Why that song though? 

Orville: I first heard the Reba version and something really struck me about the story telling aspect of it. The drama of it, but also the kind of heartbreaking sincerity of it. Which is my favorite thing about country music in general is when those things collide. Then when I got older I discovered Bobbie Gentry and became such a fan of hers and came to find out that she'd written that song. Her version has this whole other feel to it as well It has that very atmospheric, almost beat poet 60s feel to it that totally transports me to a different version of that song. So I knew I wanted to do a studio version of my own for this EP because I think it's very important to continue the history of people covering that song I suppose. I felt like I wanted to pay tribute to the Bobbie version and have a little bit of bingos in there and things like that. But I also wanted to pay tribute to the Reba version and give it kind of a rock feel at heart. Then obviously I wanted to put my own twist on it and give it a dark sound and also give it a new queer perspective and change the pronouns up a little bit. Kind of with the hopes that ten years from now someone else would cover it and put their own spin on it and that song can continue to have this beautiful career that seems to have. It's actually the 50th anniversary of that song this year as well. 

Me: Okay... so I am gonna say one word and say one word that comes to mind with the word. Shania. 

Orville: Legend. 

Me: Haha. That makes sense. 

Orville: And "confusion." 

Me: Ha! Why is that? 

Orville: I'm still tryin to wrap my mind around the fact that is somebody I had the chance to meet in person, never mind work with on a song I wrote for them or be in their home It's just crazy to me. 

Me: I know what you mean. For years I tried to get Shania on the Phile then this year it happened and she might be back on the Phile again soon. So, how did you end up working with her? 

Orville: I heard that she's a fan of mine which is so crazy. I remember when I heard that I straight up told the person that told me that he was either lying or misinformed. I just didn't believe it. Then I kept hearing about it and so I started writing this song with Shania in mind because I always wanted to do some iconic collaboration or country duet because there's such rich history of that with country music especially. I was waiting for the kind of person that felt right. So I started writing this song with no intention that this would see the light of day or ever reach Shania to be honest. Cut to me at the Grammy's this year, at one of the commercial breaks I could hear someone calling my name, like yelling my name out. I turned around and Shania Twain in a bedazzled rhinestone gown is sharing down the aisle of the Grammy's and she's yelling "Orville" and she lifts me out of my chair and says she's such a big fan, she loves my voice and loves the song I wrote for us, she couldn't wait to start working on it. She thought it was so beautiful and I just levitated obviously. I don't know if I said anything back. I was so dumfounded and I actually left the Grammy's after that because I figured the night couldn't get any better. Cut to four months later I was at her ranch in Las Vegas we were riding her horses and hanging out and working on the song together. It's just ultra bizarre. 

Me: That's so cool, Orville. Orville, thanks for being on the Phile. Please come back again. Continued success. Happy Halloween. 

Orville: Thank you, Jason.

That about does to for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to Orville Peck for a great interview. The Phile will be back on Monday with voice-over actor Larry Kenney. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Have a safe Halloween.

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon

Pheaturing Jerry Seinfeld

 

Hey, kids, welcome to the Phile for a Wednesday. How are you? Sketchy government scandals are truly the most interesting stories around because there are always more than just one side. Many say that there are three sides to every story: the two parties involved and the truth. But to those who tune in to watch and speculate, making unwarranted opinions on what they believe is the truth, some things are just too obvious to argue against. Again, we may never truly “know the truth” behind why people do the things they do, but sometimes, the blatantly obvious is just too loud to even doubt. Rudy Giuliani, a 76-year-old politician, has quite the resume when it comes to being involved in the government. He was the 107th mayor of New York City from 1994-2001, and has worked as an American attorney, a cybersecurity advisor, and a politician for the entirety of his political career. Originally a Democrat, he is now a Republican and has worked on President Donald Trump’s legal team as Trump’s personal attorney. And now, it looks like he’s gotten himself into a bit of a pickle, as many politicians do at some point in their careers. Sacha Baron Cohen, known as the darkly comedic character Borat, has come out with a Borat sequel called, Borat Subsequent Moviefilm: Delivery of Prodigious Bribe to American Regime for Make Benefit Once Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, and there’s a really sketchy scene involving Giuliani. In leaked videos of the scene from the movie, Giuliani goes into a hotel bedroom with a young woman that he thinks is a journalist, but she’s actually Borat’s 15-year-old daughter, Tutar. Tutar, played by 24-year-old actress MariaBakalova pretends to be a legal aged journalist as part of a scheme to become Giuliani’s wife to help Borat make Kazakhstan earn back its country’s glory. The issue at hand is that in the scene, Giuliani is seen being led to the bedroom for whatever reason a female journalist should be reasonably leading someone to the bedroom of a hotel suite. As she’s claiming to want to help him with his mic for the “interview,” they head to the bedroom to “fix the mic,” to which Giuliani proceeds to lie down on the bed and “tuck his shirt in his pants,” as he says. But, the pictures and videos look too sketchy for it to be just that, since what was he even doing in that situation in the first place? You would think a politician would know better than to find himself in a situation like that during an “interview,” considering how easily all of this could go wrong. But that’s what makes this so much more sketchy. With no regards to how this could look in the public eye, Giuliani finds himself there, with seemingly only one thought in mind as if nothing else mattered. And when Borat hilariously steps in to interrupt this “innocent sexy-time encounter” with Borat’s daughter, ironically asking to take her place in offering himself sexually to Giuliani, the hidden cameras catch the former New York City mayor freaking out a bit like a deer caught in the headlights. Giuliani took it upon himself to clear things up on social media in a series of tweets to hilariously cover his tracks. He started with, “(1) The Borat video is a complete fabrication. I was tucking in my shirt after taking off the recording equipment. At no time before, during, or after the interview was I ever inappropriate. If Sacha Baron Cohen implies otherwise he is a stone-cold liar,” and continued to defend himself tweeting things like, “(3) This is an effort to blunt my relentless exposure of the criminality and depravity of Joe Biden and his entire family. Deadline Hollywood reports CAA had a distribution screening in September where there was no mention of the scene holding any importance,” and “(4) We are preparing much bigger dumps off of the hard drive from hell, of which Joe Biden will be unable to defend or hide from. I have the receipts.” Again, White House scandals are always so hilariously interesting and there should probably be an unsaid concept of how politicians shouldn’t find themselves in a hotel room with anyone that could suspiciously ruin their careers just by a mere picture. And with the way fake news media can warp things around, are us as spectators morally obligated to give him the benefit of the doubt? Nah. In all honesty, someone with Rudolph Giuliani’s political experience and age should know better about what appropriate behavior is when interviewing. If your our president’s lawyer, then for Pete’s sake, don’t fall for things like this.  

A sinkhole opened up on a sidewalk in the Bronx borough of New York City, causing one man to plummet into the ground and on top of a pile of rats. According to the New York Daily News 33-year-old NYC resident, Leonard Shoulders had been waiting at a bus stop on Third Ave. near East 183rd St. in the Belmont area of the Bronx when the sidewalk literally crumbled beneath his feet. Shoulders tried to hang on but fell 15 feet through the Bronx sidewalk sinkhole and, basically, onto a pile of sewer rats. Once the Bronx man hit the ground the rats swarmed him so thoroughly that he was afraid to yell for help or even open his mouth because he thought the rats would get into his mouth. Shoulders was taken to St. Barnabas Hospital where he is recovering from his injuries. According to family members Cindy White and Greg White, who spoke to news outlets like "NBC New York," Shoulders is absolutely traumatized by his experience… that experience being having the earth fall out from under him and then being nearly consumed by giant filthy rats. Shoulders was eventually pulled out of the rat hole by the FDNY and NYPD before being transported to the hospital. In the interest of public safety, a construction fence is now separating the public from the portion of the sidewalk in disrepair where the sinkhole opened up. Forget disgusting but adorable “pizza rats." These things were foul and frenzied and crawling all over Shoulders. The man is understandably shaken by the experience. Being covered in monstrous rats is probably a, uh, scary situation. Not much else to say there. Hard pass on the rat bath.

In case anyone was wondering at what point school children start to hate getting homework the answer is, apparently, very young. Check this out...

Alright so in truth this little girl clearly had no idea what she was doing. She probably doesn’t hate homework, which at that point in life is probably the equivalent of putting a puzzle together. She probably barely even knows what homework is. It’s still funny though. Definitely social media gold. It even gets a bit of a giggle from her parents. And at least this didn’t happen during a school Nativity play or something. Again, all that really matters is that her middle finger-flashing antics are funny. And it’s just more fun to imagine that the girl is mad about getting homework during a coronavirus lockdown and wants to let her teacher know how she feels about it. Where did she learn this? Her mom or dad? It probably depends on who drives her around more. Kids don’t miss anything. Ever. They are paying attention the whole time. It doesn’t matter if they don’t know what the gesture means. They will repeat it. And if you scream a stream of expletives at the television for a bad holding call in your football game, you better one hundred percent believe that they will be repeating at least half of that the next time one of their tiny little classmates keeps the glue stick for too long, or when the tiniest little hangnail in the world causes them just enough pain to want to curse the world the way you do when you realize you have to watch Disney’s Frozen for the 80th time or have become convinced that your alma mater’s football conference is conspiring against your school. 

This definitely shows what money does for you, as two billionaires decided to have the pettiest of fights while the rest of the world is freaking out in the midst of a pandemic and social unrest. The two wealthy neighbors had been in quite the standoff that has resulted in multiple legal actions and police calls to both of their massive Orange County mansions. According to the Los Angeles Times, Pimco’s retired founder and billionaire investor Bill Gross and tech entrepreneur Mark Towfiq have been getting into it over the past year because Towfiq has expressed how annoying it is that Gross’s $1 million outdoor sculpture is blocking his multimillion dollar Laguna Beach view. So what does Gross do? He decides to blast the "Gilligan’s Island" theme song on a loop to torment Towfiq and his wife, to the point where they have filed a lawsuit against Gross for having to escape to a hotel room or stay the night with relatives in order to stop feeling trapped in being forced to also stare at the unnecessarily huge lawn sculpture. The Pimco founder’s installation is a 22 feet long, inspired by Japanese fishing floats. It’s almost 10 feet high, lighting up artist Dale Chihuly’s blown-glass work. Chihuly was responsible for creating the Bellagio hotel’s famous ceiling art in Las Vegas, Nevada. Gross also put a protective netting structure around his installation because he claimed that it was damaged by a “thrown rock.” Immediately accusing Towfiq for the damage, he asked for $50,000 in his own lawsuit for the repair of the damage. Towfiq responded with saying that it was damaged by something falling on it. Seventy-six-year-old billionaire Bill Gross’s outdoor sculpture...

Towfiq’s official complaint includes that the installation, netting structure, and lights are a city code violation because the structure does not have the proper permits. And that was already a response to Gross’s lawsuit which includes calling out Towfiq’s “peeping tom behaviors” and asking for a temporary restraining order. I guess this is what it must be like to have billionaire next-door neighbors, especially in Southern California. I mean, of course you want the views of your own home that you paid a hefty price for to remain untainted and uninterrupted, but the fact that this got so out of hand that it reached social media is hilariously disgusting.

In Manhattan, New York, intensity over the 2020 election escalated into more division and conflict as Sunday’s rally organized in favor for President Trump’s reelection called “Jews for Trump” drove caravans through Times Square. As they drove their caravans with huge “Trump 2020” flags hanging high, they were met with anti-Trump protesters who were marching from Brooklyn. And the clash between the two resulted in 11 people getting arrested, people screaming at Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, and a New York City police officer suspended without pay for showing his support for President Trump while on the job. The New York City’s former mayor, Rudy Giuliani, ran into counter-protesters who were going after Jews for Trump. Police officers said that when the pro-Trump supporters ran into the anti-Trump supporters, they got out of their cars to confront those protesting the president. As the two sides clashed, political slurs were being thrown everywhere, from “fascist” to “anarchist.” Videos show Trump supporter flags being pulled down and put back up as police broke the two groups apart. Eggs were also being thrown, among other things, at cars holding Trump flags while other Trump campaign supporters held banners as they were shouting insults saying, “New York hates you.” Giuliani was driving down Fifth Avenue when he encountered Sunday’s car parade and said, “I would love to have had a campaign commercial of it and put it on in the middle of America and say who would you prefer for the next four years? This group of foul-mouthed people who don’t seem to have a vocabulary beyond three words, or these very nice Jewish people who are driving in the car and not saying anything back and not doing anything other than exercising their right to say they’re for Donald Trump." And as top police officials have strongly expressed the importance of police officers remaining neutral while on the job in order to prioritize the safety of everyone around, an unnamed NYPD police officer lost control and responded to someone who had called him a “fascist.” He used a police loudspeaker and decided to shout out in the midst of the chaos, “Trump 2020. Put it on YouTube. Put it on Facebook. Trump 2020.” He is now suspended without pay for his actions. According to the Jews for Trump website, Sunday’s rally was intended to show unity with “the beleaguered Red Zone community,” referring to COVID-19 hot spots that New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo had designated as areas where schools and nonessential businesses must close to prevent the spread of the coronavirus. It was a response organized by Boris Epshteyn, an adviser to the Trump campaign and co-chair of Jewish Voices for Trump, following weeks of tensions in Brooklyn’s Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods because of the coronavirus restrictions. It was also supported by City Council candidate and leader of Brooklyn protests, Heshy Tischler, on Twitter. Trump convoys drove from Coney Island to Trump Tower in Manhattan, with the end of the car parade landing in Brooklyn’s Marine Park. As passengers waved American flags, the physical fights resulted in 11 people getting arrested. Five men and two women are expected to be charged with disorderly conduct. Investigators are also looking for two other people seen throwing projectiles at a pro-Trump caravan that was traveling on the Brooklyn HIghway Overpass. Those who were arrested have all been released except one 36-year-old man who threw eggs in the faces of two police officers. Talk about a greatly iconic time for the United States. It takes mad skills for a country to become this divided after making a pandemic more political than it should be.

So, today's guest as you know is the legendary comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Well, did you know that before his TV show was called "Seinfeld" it was called "Peverett"? No, I was the main character in the show. Don't believe me? Here's a screen shot...

Now do you believe me? Haha. I'm a fancy boy. Do you like pizza rolls? You should let them cool down before you stick them in your mouth otherwise you'll look like this...

Have you seen the new Barbie that just came out? Check it out...

Sugar-free gummy bears might seem like a great idea in theory. But, like so many things being sold to us in a capitalist society, there is a catch. Anyone who's ever tried (or worse, binged) on sugar-free candy knows exactly what that catch is. If you're not sure, just check out this review on an Amazon listing for a 1-lb. bag of Haribo SUGAR FREE Classic Gummi Bears. 

Friday on Disney+ the new season of "The Mandalorian" starts, but did you there's a similar show also gonna start on the same day? No? I'll show you...

Okay, so, I have to mention something... two Phile Alum have recently passed away. The first one was Toots Maytal who I have interviewed twice. You can read his interviews here... thepeverettphile.blogspot.com/2011/07/pheaturing-200th-interview-toots-from.html and thepeverettphile.blogspot.com/2012/08/pheaturing-alumni-toots-from-toots.html?m=0. Two hundredth interview? That was back in 2011, I have no idea how many interviews I have done now. Someone count for me. Anyway, the other is Tony Lewis, who was the lead singer from the Outfield. Here's the link to his entry... thepeverettphile.blogspot.com/2019/08/pheaturing-tony-lewis.html. Tony was supposed to come back on the Phile again soon. May those two Phile Alum rest in peace. Okay, moving on... It's okay to skip out on getting a couple an engagement gift and wait until their wedding to shower them with generosity. It's not like we're all made of money. But getting only one member of the couple an engagement gift, because you "don't have a relationship" with the other? That's a different matter altogether. One woman recently emailed the Phile asking if it was okay that she'd only gotten a gift for her male friend, and not the woman to whom he'd just proposed. Here's her story. They've been friends for 10 years.

"So I been close friends with my friend Jack for more than a decade. He lives in a different city now while I still live in our hometown, but we still talk everyday and are basically each other’s confidantes. Jack has found 'the one.' Last year Jack began dating Ashley and within two months of seeing each other, they moved in together and Jack told me that he really thinks that Ashley is the one. I was happy for Jack because he’s been through a string of toxic relationships before Ashley, and based on the things he tells me about her, she seems like a stable and sweet person. To this day, I have never met nor talked to Ashley for even 15 seconds. Whenever Jack visits our hometown to see his mother, he goes alone or when he’s with Ashley they just stay for just a few hours and Jack never invites me or our other friends to meet Ashley. I don’t ask if I could meet up with them because Jack’s mother is going through chemo so I thought maybe Jack wants to spend the limited time they have with his mom. Jack, his friend Tom and I also play video games online regularly, but he doesn’t include Ashley in our conversations when we do voice coms, even though I know she’s just nearby because I can hear her talking to him. Sometimes I say 'Hi Ashley!' when I hear her in the background and she replies with 'Hello, Nikki!,' but that’s it. Neither of us has really made any effort to know the other better... I guess we were fine with just knowing each other as Jack's girlfriend and Jack's friend. So a few weeks ago Jack suddenly messaged me asking about engagement rings. I asked if he was popping the question to Ashley, and he said yes. I was really happy for Jack, and I decided that I would buy the watch that he wants but hasn’t been able to afford. That way, he can have something he wants for himself after shelling out three grand for an engagement ring. The watch is about $800, which was not spare change for me, but it’s for someone I consider to be my younger brother so I’m fine with spending a bit this time. Jack proposed to Ashley last Friday (October 23rd). I ordered the watch in October 9th and it arrived at Jack’s house last Sunday. While he sounded excited when he thanked me for my gift, Tom later told me that Jack and Ashley fought about it. Apparently Ashley got mad because I gave Jack an ‘engagement gift’ while I didn’t get her anything. My boyfriend told me that what I did was insensitive, I should apologize to Ashley and send her something. To be honest, I don’t understand it though. I didn’t send them an engagement gift that only Jack can use, I just sent my friend a personal gift. I will get them an engagement gift that is for both of them and both of them can use when they have their engagement party. I don’t know why Ashley expects me to send her a personal gift either if that’s the case, because we don’t even have a relationship. Was I really wrong?" I don’t necessarily think you are wrong but I think it was a little inappropriate. An engagement is a celebration of both of them. It seems like a very personal gift and something that if anything, should be given to him during Christmas or a birthday maybe? I can imagine that Ashley was uncomfortable with such a personal gift being given to her fiancé. Maybe send a gift card for them to go eat a nice dinner to try to rectify? Sooo yeah. Don't do this! Engagement gifts should be for the couple. And $800 is probably a weirdly high amount to spend!

Ha! If you spot the Mindphuck let me know. Hard to believe we're 7 months into a pandemic that has killed over a million people and some people are still like "I won't wear a mask, because FREEDOM." And yet, we must believe it. Because COVIDiocy is an epidemic as widespread as the virus itself. "COVIDiots" are tough to reason with. Especially because their mere maskless existence could literally kill you if you try to talk to them IRL. So if you encounter one in the wild, the best and safest thing you can do is post about it. Internet-shaming may be our best tool against this particularly dangerous strain of human stupidity.

Now from the home office in Part Jefferson, New York, here is...

Top Phive Things Said During The Final 2020 Presidential Debate

5. The President struck a new gentler tone tonight when he deserved his orphan warehouses as clean.

4. I trust nobody on earn that says with a serious face "I know more about wind then you do." Not even if you actually study wind.

3. Biden referred to Trump as "Abraham Lincoln over here" and Trump interrupted to angrily clarify that he is not in fact Abraham Lincoln.

2. Trump constantly saying her's "not a politician" after being the President of the United States for four years is the same energy as me telling my parents I'm not really a bartender. 

And the number one thing said during the final 2020 presidential debate was...

1. Skipped the debate... who won? Was it fracking? I bet it was fracking. 

Okay, let's take a live look at Port Jefferson, shall we?

Eww. It looks cold and wet. Yuck! Okay, you know I live in Florida, right? Here's a story from this state...

A Florida man has taken redneck innovation to glorious new heights with his leaf blower powered car that he calls a “blue-collar limousine.” Behold...

Do you have a mop bucket, an umbrella, and a leaf blower? Then you too basically have an automobile. Feel free to substitute a skateboard or wheelchair for the mop bucket. Clearwater, Florida janitor Brian Kahrs realized as much the other day and decided to cruise around the town in his newfound, one-man car service. And people were impressed by how the janitor solved his transportation needs. The New York native turned Floridian was filmed driving around Scientology’s Galactic Capital in his mop bucket motor vehicle and everywhere he went people seemed to appreciate his ingenious invention, even if his blue-collar limo service isn’t exactly suited to transport more than him at this time. Maybe you need to hook an office chair onto the mop bucket? Regardless, everyone from ABC News to USA Today featured the Kahrs’ car and, as expected, people from across the United States are basically saying “lol Florida.” But no, dammit. This isn’t Florida nonsense. This is American beauty. This is a hot tub in a pickup truck’s bed. It’s a shotgun that shoots blasts of ice-cold Budweiser. It’s an eagle perched on a monstrous pair of fake boobs. It’s a shopping mall with a gun store in it. It’s a fistfight over the strike zone at a little league game. It’s someone dying after winning a chili eating contest. It’s public sex at Disney World. This man and his invention is a credit to our nation. If Thomas Edison was seen driving around in this 120 years ago people would’ve thought he was a god. As far as I’m concerned Brian Kahrs is an American saint.

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Orlando Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Orlando. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Orlando." He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Orlando?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!" Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."

Phact 1. The cans of Bernard Dehydrated Water that you see floating around the Internet, are indeed a real product. Bernard Food Industries created the product as a gag that store owners could display in stores to give customers a laugh. 

Phact 2. After hitting his head in the shallow end of a swimming pool, a man named Derek Amato from Colorado woke with a condition known as acquired musical savant syndrome. He then went on to become a great pianist without ever learning to play. 

Phact 3. Red color-blind monkeys who underwent gene therapy by having their eyes injected with a red cone, had their color blindness cured, potentially opening a door for curing color blindness in humans. 

Phact 4. Wonder Woman’s sword in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is inscribed a quote from Joseph Campbell’s collection Goddess: Mystery of the Feminine Divine: “Life is killing all the time and so the goddess kills herself in the sacrifice of her own animal.” 

Phact 5. Thailand, as part of their family planning program, has police officers who pass out condoms in a campaign called “Cops and Rubbers."

Okay, this is really crazy and exciting. Today's guest is an American comedian, actor, writer and producer. His book Is This Anything? is the 138th book to be pheatured in the Phile's Book Club. Please welcome to the Phile... Jerry Seinfeld! 

Me: Hello, Jerry, this is so cool to have you on the Phile. How are you doing? 

Jerry: I'm good, Jason, how are you? 

Me: I'm good. So, you book seems so interesting. Tell the readers about the beginning of the book. 

Jerry: In the 60s I'm sitting in legs crossed in my living room eating a bowl of cereal in front of a TV, I'm staring at a comedian in a dark suit and tie on the Ed Sullivan show. 

Me: What was going through your mind at that time? 

Jerry: Well, in the 70s there were a lot of magical things that happened. There were magical people like Muhammad Ali and John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Sean Connery, they were these magical people that didn't seem real. So stand up comedians I would see on Ed Sullivan like George Carlin or Richard Pryor or Alan King, they were in that group of people I saw as a child thinking maybe they were super heroes or something. It just didn't seem like part of the real world. I wanted to be all of those people that I just mentioned. But it seemed like an impossibility. I couldn't take my eyes off any of them and the comedians particularly seemed like they were having the most fun life of anybody I could imagine. So as I grew and I continued watching them I learned about it very slowly. I couldn't find out about these people what they were doing or how they did it. It really wasn't until I was about 18 or 19 that a book came out called The Last Laugh which was the first book completely about this world of stand-up comedy, And I dove into that book. That was really the doorway that I was looking for. 

Me: So, who was one of your favorite comedians back then? 

Jerry: Andy Kaufman. He was a guy we heard about out on Long Island. We didn't know his name, we just heard about this guy who was going on stage and he was playing the conga drums and crying because he was bombing. That was the first thing we heard, then we heard that there were these clubs that these young people were going on stage. We were only seeing old comedians for the most part on TV. There were a few young ones, not that many. When we heard about this guy we said we had to go find this guy and we have to see him because he sounded so hilarious. 

Me: So, how did it feel when you first started going into Manhattan and going into these comedy clubs? 

Jerry: Terrified. Excited. I was just wildly in wonder of what was going on in these rooms and how these people were doing it. I didn't know how they did it. It's funny to look back at it now and to look back at my young self and realize I didn't know what was happening to me. 

Me: What was happening to you? 

Jerry: That I was being introduced to my calling. That's a funny moment to look back on in my life because the naivety of the moment is very cute in retrospect. 

Me: So, at that time you didn't know you wanted to be a comedian? 

Jerry: I had no idea, I was this kid who said okay, okay, I'll go in there and I had no idea in that moment my life opened up. 

Me: Do you remember the first set? 

Jerry: I do. I remember it was sooo depressing and so discouraging. 

Me: Why is that? 

Jerry: Because when we watch comedy when we're young and we watch it it looks easy.  

Me: Yeah, I have done stand-up before and I thought the same thing. 

Jerry: Yeah, it doesn't look easy but it looks EASIER than it actually is. I don't know if this is in the book but the thing I could never anticipate is when I go on a stage to make the audience laugh I have no idea how quiet it is before I start talking. Even as I'm talking, I have no idea, there's no laughter going on in the room at all. Unless I make it. It's like making fire in the woods, there's wood I guess we can make a fire. That's technically true but it's a long way. 

Me: What got you your first real one, what was the joke that got the first real laugh? 

Jerry: The first laugh I got was the left bit, which I have in the book. The negative perception that the word "left" always seems to be associated with. You go to a party and there's nobody there, where did they go, they left. That joke got me an applause for the very first time even talking to the audience. And when they applauded I just froze and I didn't know what to do. I was completely taken aback and I forgot everything I was going to do after that. 

Me: Ha. Were you not ready for a laugh? 

Jerry: I was ready for a laugh but I was not ready for people to applaud. I didn't have much confidence in myself to do it. I just wanted to do it. I didn't think I had any particular talent. 

Me: So, where did your work ethic come from? 

Jerry: I got it from reading a George Burns book. Well, somewhat. I really got it from watching the rate of attrition of people that were further advanced than me. I watched people that were in it for five to six years and go on TV and they succeed and quickly fail from the lack of material. 

Me: What do you mean? I didn't have a lot of material myself but I didn't do it that often. 

Jerry: Yeah, they'll be on "The Tonight Show" and do great then they go on a second time and do okay, the third do bad and then never heard from again. 

Me: Is it fun to come up with material and write it, Jerry? 

Jerry: It's a lesson that anyone on the arts, or anyone in the creative arts. I took about in the book how it's closer to sports than to arts. Its actually boring work. Like actually sitting down and writing jokes, even though it's not necessarily boring to me. 

Me: So, it's boring to write comedy material? 

Jerry: All creative work should be drudgery. We don't find great things in large quantities. That's not part of human existence. If we could find someway to accept that life of pure drudgery we could live a long life of the arts. But if we find he drudgery too painful we'll have a short life in the arts. 

Me: Did things get better when you discovered the drudgery? 

Jerry: Yes, I suddenly saw myself moving through levels. I was getting spots and shows and then I was getting asked to be on TV. And then come back and come back. But I was ready. By the time I got on TV I had been working and learning how to work for five years, which isn't that long. It didn't seem like a long time to me when I was young but I was ready fore them. When they said that was good, can I come back in three months and do it again I would say yes because I knew that I could. Most comedians they would say, "Yes, I'll be back in three months" but they didn't have the material. The material is one of those drip coffee makers, it just comes out really slow. There's no way to speed it up, I have to work hard and have to be able to wait for the good material. 

Me: So, would you write down a word like "horse" and think where can I go with that? That's how my brain works. 

Jerry: I wouldn't go that basic but I would go "horse back riding." Anything that's not good is good. That's what I'm looking for. 

Me: What do you mean? 

Jerry: Well, the worst experience is going to be likely something interesting to talk about. So when I went horseback riding and had a horrible experience that's when I'm on to something. If I'm having a horrible experience then I'm in a good place. That's why success is the poison of comedy, which is something I said many times. 

Me: What do you mean by that? 

Jerry: With success gives me the ability to spare myself of discomfort and difficulty. The more success I have the more money I have, the more I can avoid unpleasantness in life. Unpleasantness is gold, that's the goldmine. 

Me: So, what kind of comedian do you see yourself in? A lot of comedians seem mad with rage, but you never do, am I right? 

Jerry: Never think I can do comedy without rage and all aggression. It's all candy coated for fun but that is kind of the engine underneath all of it. 

Me: You never get too personal about your personal rage, you talk about a shared rage, right? 

Jerry: It has to be shared and it has to be so skillfully woven into fun. When Lewis Black starts complaining we love it, we can't wait. There's nothing worse than Lewis Black having a good day. There's nothing there for us. If Don Rickles liked somebody we wouldn't want to watch it. I am not a depressed person but I have enough going on inside of me, let's call it "negative emotion." Without that it's very hard to be funny I think. It's an ingredient in the recipe, it's like mozzarella cheese n Italian food. 

Me: Your TV show "Seinfeld" was so successful, my dad loved it. Why do you think it was so successful?  

Jerry: Every joke in there, every bit we did was based on something annoying, something we hate, but just because we hate it doesn't make it funny, it's just where we start. 

Me: "Seinfeld" is still on TV everywhere. If I turned on the TV here I'll bet it'll be on right now. People have been watching it more and more during the pandemic. Why do you think your show is still so popular? No one watches "Hanging With Mr. Cooper" anymore. That show is not popular. 

Jerry: You're wrong, "Hanging With Mr. Cooper" had some funny stuff. I'll give you the Jackie Gleason answer because he was asked this question about "The Honeymooners" his entire life. People would ask why do you think these shows are still on? He had a two word answer: they're funny. Only through the lens of time is the desolation of something that's really funny and kind of funny, that's where I separate myself from the pack. Everything else is of it's time, people talk about political comedy or comedy that is more of of the moment, that's the easiest stuff. The hard stuff is write something that is funny today that people are going to want to see in 20 years. Now I'm doing something. 

Me: Writing stand-up for the TV show was that a challenge for you? 

Jerry: It was very unpleasant because they were asking someone to work in a way that's not their way. I did to for as long as a I could but then I had to give it up. 

Me: Because of the sheer amount of material? 

Jerry: If I'm churning out a 60 page script from a blank sheet of paper in three days and then I have to come up with five minutes of stand-up also, and I'm in every scene of the show it gets to be a human impossibility. 

Me: You said your comedy is not as quite as good as you want it to be, or something like that. What do you mean? 

Jerry: It's so much a part of human existence in general, things are always better or worse or just not quite right. If someone is aggravated and frustrated by those things that energy is also part of the show. 

Me: Does that make it hard to do a special? 

Jerry: Yes, it does. I just did that 23 hours to kill which some of that material I've been working on there for fifteen years and there are many bits in there that I have done better. We videotaped the show four times and I'm hoping I get to this place where I'm doing it better than I ever done it in my life. It's almost impossible to achieve. That's why I say it's like a sport, that's why I can watch a pitcher throwing a baseball, I know what they're going through, we're trying to get to this place in our mind. 

Me: Is that why Jay Leno hasn't done a special do you think? 

Jerry: He did a special in the 80s, I forgot what it was called. It had some stand-up in it and some other stuff in it. He feels like he doesn't want to give his act away. I kind of agree with that most of the time. But I got to the point where I felt I needed to be on record because when I'm 65 I don't know what's going to happen, we never know what's going to happen. But I wanted this to be on record if something happens. 

Me: You talk a lot about cereal in your career, so is there a difference between a cereal at night and in the morning? 

Jerry: In the morning I'm thinking positive, I try to think positive in the morning, let's try to make this a good day. So I almost always have oatmeal which I like anyway and it's a great cereal, its good for you, and at night it's Frosted Flakes. 

Me: Jerry, oatmeal is not cereal. 

Jerry: All right, it's in a bowl. 

Me: So is soup. 

Jerry: I have a spoon. I've got milk. I've got brown sugar. 

Me: Okay. But still. Oatmeal is not cereal. Anyway, thanks so much for being on the Phile. My friend Rich is a big fan and this would make his day this interview. 

Jerry: Thank you, Jason, it was really fun to talk to you. Glad to make Rich's day. Oatmeal is cereal.

Oatmeal is not cereal. I have a TikTok at pevphile2020 and I will ask on there if oatmeal is cereal. Anyway, that about does it for this entry of the Phile. Thanks to my great guest Jerry Seinfeld. The Phile will be back on Saturday with It's The Great Trumpkin, Peverett Phile 5 Pheaturing Orville Peck. Spread the word, not the turd. Don't let snakes and alligators bite you. Bye, love you, bye. Kiss your brain. 

I don't want you, cook my bread, I don't want you, make my bed, I don't want your money too, I just want to make love to you. - Willie Dixon