Crash And Burn

Hello, and welcome to another edition of the Peverett Phile, I am your host, Jason 'Crash' Peverett. It's been a rough week so far. On Sunday I woke up at 1:30 am with a bad ear pain. I drove myself to the hospital and discovered I had a real bad ear infection. So, I didn't go to work Monday or Tuesday. I went back to work on Wednesday only to crash a Segway that threw me off. I was unconcious for at least three minutes before I came to having strangers yell my name over and over again. An Alpha Run was called...Disney's fancy word for ambulance...I was put ina  neck brace and strapped to a board and taken to Celebration Hospital. Countless x-rays and cat scans later it turned out I didn't broke any bones, but hurt my lower back, right shoulder, neck and legs. The doctor said I was lucky I didn't break my neck or geta  concussion. Oh, I also have carpet burns on my elbows. anyway, I know the Guests and Cast Members that witnessed the wreck will be talking about it for days, months, maybe years. Me, I have other stuff to talk about. By the way, my right collar bone is hurting like hell as I type this. This edition of the Phile should be sponsored by Vicadin. Anyway, did you see how high gas prices have gotten this week? You know gas is expensive when the guy behind the counter is wearing a ski-mask. Give you an idea how expensive gas is, that ambulance ride saved me four dollars. President Bush said this week to help with gas prices he will temporarily ease environmental regulations. Great. Not only will you not be able to drive, you won't be able to breathe either. Republicans in congress are demanded that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaging in price gouging. Putting the White House in charge of investigating the oil companies? Isn't that like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? It's really cool we cans till laugh at that Dick Cheney shooting accident after all this time. Immigration debate goes on, Senator Hillary Clinton says she wants a "smart wall" at the Mexican border...the only thing that can defeat these smart walls - smart Wal-Marts. At the national portrait gallery in Washington, D.C. new portraits were unveiled of former President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton. The Smithsonian said that the portraits of Bill and Hillary will not hang in the same room. Boy, talk about art reflecting life. I'm surprised they did a portrait of Hillary. I thought maybe an ice sculpture would have been more appropriate. "U.S. Weekly” reported Britney Spears is pregnant again. Good. Her baby boy will have someone to go to therapy with. In his latest audio tape Osama bin Laden says that the Bush administration is evil, it's made up excused to attack Iraq, and is obsessed with Middle Eastern oil. If Osama bin Laden keeps talking like that he could wind up the Democratic frontrunner. Speaking of that, Senator John Kerry said this week that he is thinking about running for president again but he hasn't made up his mind as of yet. Well, that should put to rest all those rumors about him being indecisive. Well, news from England: Queen Elizabeth turned 80 over the weekend. She’s more of a figurehead no power. Here in the United States we call that a Democrat. NASCAR is branching out. They have come out with their own line of meats. Don’t we already have that? Isn’t it called beef jerky?

CANNED LAUGHTER

This entry's Canned Laughter is brought to you by a co-worker named Scott. Jason, I was thinking of you today at the hospital and this came to me as I remember my current stay in the same hospital! A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Ratings for the seventh episode of the first season of the new series, The Long Game, on US television on the Sci Fi Channel, are in. The numbers were slightly up from the previous week, averaging a 1.20 household rating with an average viewing audience of 1.4 million viewers, up one-tenth of a million from the previous week's low for "Dalek". Season-to-date, Sci Fi reports that Doctor Who is currently averaging a 1.35 household rating and an average audience of 1.6 million viewers for the season (noting also that the audience, according to their current mid-season demographics, is 64% male/36% female, with a median age of 47 years.)

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Before I talk about 'The Amazing Race' let me talk about Survivor as I haven't in a while. Bruce’s medical problem on last week’s episode of Survivor Panama was eventually treated, but it took eight hours for him to get medical care. First, Bruce tells TV Guide, the camera crew was more interested in Shane and Courtney’s bitching about not being selected for the reward challenge, so that “[b]y the time the camera crews had come back with the producers and medics, it had been three hours and it was pitch-dark.” At that point, “it was too late for them to bring a helicopter, so they loaded me into the speedboat.” He says that “[The trip to proper medical care] took five hours. It was worse than a rattlesnake bite.” Once he was treated, he says, doctors “stuck a catheter in me and over a quart and a half of urine exploded out. They were shocked and said I could have been dead.” Bruce suggests that was partially the fault of people on the crew, who “kept telling me to drink more water, and it was like a water balloon getting bigger and bigger. That was a big problem. Then I thought I was having appendicitis, or my abdominal artery was going to explode. My dad passed away from that.” While Bruce has healed fully, he still had trauma in his life when he returned. After “teaching for 34 years,” he says that his assistant principal told him “that if I don’t show up for school the next day, he was going to ask the school board to terminate me permanently. I asked for a leave of absence with no pay.” That wasn’t granted, so when he returned from the show, he “was suspended for five more days, so I lost two months of pay. I still am baffled by one man’s decision. I love teaching, though, so it didn’t make me bitter. I’m back and having the best time with my kids.” And now for 'The Amazing Race'. Official reality TV show blogs are usually these are worth avoiding; more often than not, they’re self-serving, boring, orboth. Thus, I never visited Amazing Race host Phil Keoghan’s blog at CBS.com. It’s new this season, although the site has had Phil-centric features before, such as a video diary and uncut “mat chat” video. But Phil’s blog is sometimes even more fascinating than the episode itself. At the very least, it adds to our enjoyment of the race—and to the wonder of how this incredible production comes together. In large part, that’s because it appears Phil actually wrote his blog entries while on the race; he’s not reflecting on the show now, but commenting on it in real time. (In his episode 9 comments, he mentions talking into a Dictaphone, so that explains how he managed to keep detailed records.) More significantly, he adds to our understanding of the production and the demands placed on both him and everyone else. He’s unquestionably the hardest working host in the business: At the end of episode nine, he notes, “I have two shows from season 8 to do voiceover for. We’ll set up a makeshift voiceover booth in a hotel room.” During his episode five commentary, Phil notes that he coincidentally ended up on the same flight as BJ and Tyler, and Eric and Jeremy. Later, he and his producer were, he writes, “rushing to get to the Pit Stop before BJ & Tyler get there. They had about an hour and a half lead on us, they got through the Detour very quickly.” Phil beat them to the pit stop, where he said that he’d have to “do a quick hair wash in the parking lot.” Washing your hair in the parking lot: Ryan Seacrest, I dare you to do that before the cameras start rolling.

In its eight episode, The Amazing Race 9 returned to the homoeroticism that has become this season’s version of the hypocritical religiosity that was pervasive during the family edition last season. In addition, the teams were back to old form, delivering an entertaining leg of the race. Highlights from it:

• “We’re stopping to drop off money at BJ’s car. We’re giving them $20,” Fran said, “they have none,” Barry finished. He added that “the other teams see us as real competitive now.” Well, not now that you’re helping them, you morons.
• A few minutes later, we learned while Fran and Barry gave money to BJ and Tyler: Monica said that “the hippies wanted us to leave money on their car, but they said that if we didn’t give them money they wanted to Yield us.” In other words, the little bastards threatened the other teams, and of course it worked on the old people. So the clowns can be dicks; who knew? Monica and Joseph were not up for being threatened: “we ran over to their car and gave them nothing,” Joseph said.
• While Ray and Yolanda did leave money, Eric and Jeremy did not, and this gave Eric the opportunity to craft a metaphor that made no sense other than to further our perception of him as a womanizing jerkface. “It’s like trying to get in a girl’s pants, you know: lie, cheat, steal, you know, whatever you can,” he said, while Jeremy chuckled.
• Upon finding the money in their car, BJ shouted, “Oh my god! There is money they left for us!” as if it was an act of mercy, not the result of a threat. But he confirmed a second later that they did, indeed, extort the other teams; he was “worried about the teams that didn’t leave us money. Better watch out,” he said.
• BJ picked up a hitchhiker, which was nice until Tyler used the opportunity to make fun of yet another foreign accent.
• “Can I get some of this Bedouin lovin’,” BJ asked, after their hitchhiking friend bumped noses with Tyler but not him. “That guy rocked my world,” Tyler said.
• “Everybody looked like they saw a ghost when they saw the hippies,” Ray said, after BJ and Tyler barely made it onto the same flight to Australia. They then proceeded to jump up and down in the aisles, and alas, there were no air marshals on board to mace them.
• “What is that stench?” Monica asked, in the back seat of a cab. “Oh, I think it’s because Eric and Jeremy came by. Stinky boys, stinky.”
• Sometimes Fran looks exactly like Aunt Edna from National Lampoon’s Vacation. You know, without the walker.
• “Ahh! Come on! Come on! Come on!” Guess who screamed that while slapping his teammate in the ass? (The unsurprising answer: Jeremy)
• Moments later, entering a hostel that most of the teams decided to stay in, Jeremy said, and I am not making this up, “Nice, I got bottom.”
• “We’re in the Pleasure Dome,” Barry said, upon finding their named room. “What does that mean?” Fran asked. “I don’t know,” Barry said. Fran asked, “Do we have other people in here?” “I guess so,” Barry replied. They got excited looks on their faces, and Barry said, “This race has ruined our sex life. I’ll tell you that.” Just in case we didn’t have a vivid enough picture in our mind already, Fran added, “That’s for damn sure.”
• Changing before the Detour, either Eric or Jeremy said, “You guys wanna see some ass?” For the sake of argument, let’s just assume it was Jeremy. A few moments later, though, he said, “We’re in our amazing Speedos. If there were chicks, we’d be hooking up with them.” Um, probably not.
• “This is a Baywatch moment,” one of them said, running toward a bearded Australian man. As they walked away with their clue, Eric’s Speedo slipped down, and whoever you are and whatever you like, we all owe the editors $10 for blurring his ass crack.
• The teams had to find a place called Fremantle Prison. Also known as American Idol.
• “I have every right to be scared of him,” Monica said. About a lobster.
• “Apparently it’s a great thing we have a lead, because my partner is lost in the catacombs of a prison. … I don’t know what the fuck he’s doing,” Eric said. Well, Eric, it’s a prison, and it’s Jeremy. And you kind of answered your own question in the sentence.
• “These lights are boning us big time,” BJ said. He was talking about stoplights; apparently, he gets turned on by almost anything.
• Eric said to a group of women who refused to give him directions, “thanks for ignoring us,” as if that was the first time a woman had ever ignored him.
• “Kind of like the Pirates of the Caribbean,” Yolanda said as she rowed through tunnels beneath a prison.
• I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that Eric and Jeremy, who yet again came in first, will win. I’m just going to start calling them Zach and Flo.
• “We’re last; I feel badly,” Fran said. We do too, Fran. Although they were remarkably incompetent at times, they were also quite resilient and managed to come in first once. “I don’t want to cry,” Fran said. “I’m not going to cry,” she said, crying. “She’s an incredible woman, and I couldn’t exist without her,” Barry said.

P.P. T.V.

Apartment Tetris  This is the largest game of tetris ever played, very clever, wonder how they did it.

Slow Ride Another Foghat fan's short video for Slow Ride.

Slow Ride Eric and chris go from Whose Line to Slow Ride.

Slow Ride A Sawyer video. Matching the lyrics, plenty of Kate.

 

THERE IS A GOD

Here’s a match made in heaven: beer and robots. For most of the world, it’s a match we are left to simply dream of (you know, slave bots bringing you a cold one, instead of the usual “Get it yourself!”) If you live in Japan however, you should know that Asahi is running a promotion where they’ll be giving away 5,000 fully stocked refrigerator robots. What do these lovely creatures do? Well, aside from stocking and cooling up to six cans of beer and two mugs, upon the press of a button, the machine will open up a can, and pour in into the mug with a perfect head every time. To win one, contestants must collect 36 seals found on specially marked Asahi beers. Of course, you don’t have to drink the beer… but then you’d probably be missing the point. Anyway, here's a picture of it:

 

 

 

 

 

SEARCH ENGINE

http://www.matthewbarr.co.uk/muppets/ Which Muppet are you? Me? I am Gonzo apparently.

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

How many faces do you see?

INTERNET SKITS

ILoo: Back in 2003, Microsoft announced it was working on an internet-enabled toilet. It's best not to think about what would happen if you got a BSD while using the thing. Rumor has it the French version runs the Mac OS. Savetoby.com: This started in either 2004 or 2005, when James Mceahly put up a website threatening to kill a rabbit named Toby if he didn't receive $50,000 by June 30, 2005. The date keepschanging: It's currently Nov. 6, 2006. Either he can't catch the damn thing or it's multiplying like crazy.  Bonsai kittens: The perpetrators here claimed they were raising cats from birth in Mason jars to sell as pets. In Mason jars. The FBI actually fell for this one. So did People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, but they're insane.  Tourist Guy: Soon after 9/11, a picture circulated through e-mail of a guy on top of the World Trade Center. The date stamp was 9/11/01, and in the background a plane was seen hurtling toward him. A badly Photoshopped plane. But I fell for it. GI Joe hostage: One of my personal favorites was from February 2005, when someone made up a fake website supposedly showing a U.S. soldier being held hostage. Turns out the "hostage" was a GI Joe doll. There was a picture of him being threatened by someone off-camera pointing his own plastic M16 at him. Several people noticed this, causing the mainstream media to issue retractions a few hours after running the news flash. Duke Nukem Forever: This game was first announced in 1997. Then its release date was pushed back. Again. And again. 3D Realms Entertainment swears it will deliver this thing eventually. Hopefully the developers are not getting paid by the hour, although if they are, perhaps that's the whole problem right there. When do we stop taking this product seriously? I would argue that nine years is long enough. Okay, I just shoved the rest I had into one entry. Why drag something on for so long, eh?

MOVIE BUZZ

Star Trek 11: J.J. Abrams will produce the next installment of the formerly dead franchise. Rumors had a prequel showing the first meeting of Spock and Kirk at Starfleet Academy — I always figured it went something like this — but that story line's been proved false.

The INXS Biopic: If Johnny Depp signs on to star, would he re-enact the autoerotic death of Michael Hutchence? Maybe they'll do a sequel about a reality-show contest to find a new singer.

Tomb Raider 3: Stay in Namibia after your Brad baby is born, because nobody wants to see this.

Batman 2: Apparently studio bosses have their assistants surf the Web and tell them what people are chatting about on fan-site message boards, because Josh Lucas is suddenly in the running to play Harvey Dent. It started out as an online rumor, but now it might actually happen. OK, people — time to start blogging about casting Kate Beckinsale as Wonder Woman. Let's make it happen! What, I'm alone on this? Fine.

Jurassic Park IV: Hey, wait a minute. A few months ago, they said an awesome script was, like, totally done and ready to shoot, and now they're saying there's no script at all? Where'd it go? What a crazy world we're living in. What's next, a delay on Indy 4?

Digital 3-D Movies: Hey, James Cameron: You know what won't get people back in theaters? Showing movies in 3-D. When you invent some sort of laser to blast the jackass on the cell phone sitting behind me, lemme know. Oh, and get rid of the pre-show commercials while you're at it.

The Coolkids: Let me decode some marketing B.S. used to describe this project. "In the vein of Napoleon Dynamite." This means the producers jumped on the bandwagon a year late. "Set in the world of emo." This is an attempt at guessing what "hip" teens are listening to. "CoolKids." This is a graphic designer mangling the English language. "Franchise will include a soundtrack, novel and line of merchandise." This means 10,000 pounds of crap will be dumped in a landfill.

Okay, that's it from me for another week while I heal. Don't forget to check out the Peverett Phile webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs . I put a few pictures of Logan's soccer game up from last Saturday. I will leave you with a random picture. Remember, spread the word...not the turd.

Say It With Flowers

I know you thing that I'm crazy but I dont want to be pushing up daisies. I'll say it with flowers on your wedding day, I'll say it with flowers when you walk away, I'll say it with flowers, its all I have to say. Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Phile. At Epcot tomorrow the International Flower and Garden Festival starts, or as I like to call it...Allergy Season. It's the 13th year of the celebration, and not to be confused with the Pansy Festival in June. Lets see what is going on in the news. We are about to go to war with Iran. A woman in Los Angeles has the bubonic plague. Iraq's a mess...but the big story, Tom and Katie had their baby! Tom Cruise was on the "Today Show” this morning lecturing Matt Lauer on diaper rash. During the week, the White House sponsored the annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn. The winning child found six eggs and 14 lobbyists hiding in the bushes. For the first time ever, President Bush welcomed some gay couples to the White House Easter Egg Roll. He recognized one couple. He went over to then and said, "Didn't you used to be governor of New Jersey?" So, did everyone pay their taxes? President Bush had to ask for an extension on his taxes. He's still trying to decide whether or not to write off Donald Rumsfeld. I don't want to say that Donald Rumsfeld is in trouble, but this morning they found him hiding in a spider hole. This week is the 100th anniversary of the devastating San Francisco earthquake. 100 years ago! The devastating earthquake happened 100 years ago. FEMA is on the way. There's a bill on the senate floor in California to make gay studies mandatory in high school. Kids would have to study gay history. Gay history is a little different. They call the Great Depression when Judy Garland died. If I seem a little down it’s because six former generals have called for my resignation. In the world of sports, In a feature article in "Sports Illustrated” on Kobe Bryant, a professor at USC said Kobe is not very popular with fans. He said that Kobe has about as much street creed as Dick Cheney. Actually Cheney has more street creed - he actually shot a guy.

P.P. T.V.

Secret Wars Re-Enactment Society This one's only for the comic book geeks.

Foghat  Meghan sings about takin' a "slow ride"!

 

Carla Ziehm-Estes -Little Orange Capri-Rob Trudell-Slowride A slide show with Slow Ride.

 

Slow Ride By Foghat Better Than The Vid I Made For Silent Night

 

Dancing At Foghat Concert LMFAO! Drunk guy dancing at Foghat concert at Battle Creek Michigan 2005!

 

 

 

SHARPENING AXES

 

This week's Sharpening Axes I will  bring you my list of ten things that look like a female’s “private area”. I say “private area” because if I didn’t say that, this site would suddenly jump into dirtyville on some internet rankings, and we don’t live in dirtyville so anyway - here that are... 1) Dick Cheney’s mouth 2) They ‘Eye of Sauron’ 3) Jabba-The-Hutt’s grotesque mouth 4) A lemon 5) The knot in a tree trunk 6) What would a woo-woo list be without a Georgia O’Keefe painting 7) Some rock and moss (no, not Kate Moss) 8) One of those hideous ‘bugs’ from Starship Troopers 9) Another Georgia O’Keefe painting because I am getting desperate 10) The forehead of Jason Alexander’s alien in his ‘Star Trek’ guest appearance.

 

COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT

 

Mark Twain was born on the day of the appearance of Halley's Comet in 1835, and died on the day of its next appearance in 1910. He himself predicted this in 1909, when he said: "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it."
Morgan Robertson's 1898 novella Futility had many parallels with the RMS Titanic disaster; the book concerned a fictional state-of-the-art ocean liner called Titan, which (like the Titanic) eventually collides with an iceberg on a calm April night whilst en route to New York, with many dying because of the lack of lifeboats. Various other details in the book coincide with the Titanic disaster. Later, she wrote a book, Beyond the Spectrum, that described a future war fought with aircraft that carried "sun bombs". Incredibly powerful, one bomb could destroy a city, erupting in a flash of light that blinds all who look at it. The war begins in December, started by the Japanese with a sneak attack on Hawaii.
On February 13, 1746, a Frenchman, Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed for the murder of his father. Precisely 100 years later, on February 13, 1846, another Frenchman, also named Jean Marie Dubarry, was executed - for the murder of his father.
On the 26th November, 1911, three men were hanged at Greenberry Hill in London after being convicted of the murder of Sir Edmund Berry. Their names were Green, Berry and Hill.
The British actor Anthony Hopkins [who shot to fame as Hannibal Lecter] was delighted to hear that he had landed a leading role in a film based on the book The Girl From Petrovka by George Feifer. A few days after signing the contract, Hopkins travelled to London to buy a copy of the book. He tried several bookshops, but there wasn't one to be had. Waiting at Leicester Square underground for his train home, he noticed a book apparently discarded on a bench. Incredibly, it was The Girl From Petrovka. That in itself would have been coincidence enough but in fact it was merely the beginning of an extraordinary chain of events. Two years later, in the middle of filming in Vienna, Hopkins was visited by George Feifer, the author. Feifer mentioned that he did not have a copy of his own book. He had lent the last one - containing his own annotations - to a friend who had lost it somewhere in London. With mounting astonishment, Hopkins handed Feifer the book he had found. 'Is this the one?' he asked, 'with the notes scribbled in the margins?' It was the same book.

A British officer, Major Summerford, while fighting in the fields of Flanders in February 1918 was knocked off his horse by a flash of lightning and paralyzed from the waist down. Summerford retired and moved to Vancouver. One day in 1924, as hefished alongside a river, lightning hit the tree he was sitting under and paralyzed his right side. Two years later Summerford was sufficiently recovered that he was able to take walks in a local park. He was walking there one summer day in 1930 when a lightning bolt smashed into him, permanently paralyzing him. He died two years later. But lightning sought him out one last time. Four years later, during a storm, lightning struck a cemetery and destroyed a tombstone. The deceased buried here? Major Summerford. Next entry I will try to find some more coincidences. Right now, I have the creeps.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Ratings for Dalek, the sixth episode of the new series broadcast on the Sci Fi Channel in the US, have come in, and are sadly not welcome news. The telecast averaged a 1.17 household rating with an average viewing audience of 1.3 million viewers, making it the lowest rated original Doctor Who broadcast of the season to date. However, it is important to note that this was a holiday weekend, which could explain the sudden drop in viewers from the previous week.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Because of my increasing disillusionment with the show, I decided to watch last night’s episode of The Amazing Race like I used to: no notebook. Watching the race by perpetually rewinding whenever someone says something dumb definitely kills the tension. I was doing really well until Jeremy rolled down his window and asked a man, “Excuse me, how do we get to the ferries? … Straight? Okay.” Ijust had to write that down. But the rest of the leg wasn’t really full of all kinds of zany and crazy one-liners. Ray and Yolanda didn’t get along for most of the episode, and at one point, Yolanda, digging to find something that was buried, responded to Ray’s sideline help by hysterically muttering, “Your momma got a pattern goin’.” The biggest moments came at the end of the race, however: Fran and Berry came in first place. The look on Phil’s face when they arrived on the mat suggested he thought the production crew was playing a joke on him. But Fran and Barry actually beat every other team, including Eric and Jeremy, who came in fourth, and BJ and Tyler, who came in last. While BJ and Tyler’s misfortune caused them to mute their insufferable assclown nature, they were saved by the first nonelimination leg, and promised to be even more wild and crazy in the future. One of them said, “Our fun-loving, goofy attitude has gotten us this far and we’re still going to use it in the next leg of the race.” I can’t wait.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

LANDLORD Tim Platt took matters into his own hands when he was barred from his local pub - he stumped up the cash and bought it. The 52-year-old was banned from his local, the White Lion, in Hampton-in-Arden, where he had been drinking for 30 years, after criticising the new decor. He didn't like the pub's change from a traditional boozer to a gastropub and was overheard airing his views to other regulars. The next thing he knew, he was sent a postcard of the pub, saying he was no longer welcome. He said he disliked the way the traditional thick red carpet, local memorabilia and wall brasses had been replaced by bare floorboards and a modern, minimalist, decor. Mr Platt, who lives in Hampton-in-Arden, said: "It was a sad day - it's a traditional village local but it was becoming bare boards and characterless. "I voiced my opinion. It should serve food with beer, not food and no beer." So when that landlord left and the pub came up for sale, Mr Platt, who had always dreamed of owning a pub, jumped at the chance to buy it. He joined forces with old Solihull School pal John Thorne, aged 53, and put in a successful bid. Now, Mr Platt, who used to own Spirals restaurant, in Knowle, Warwickshire, said he's returning the White Lion to his vision of a traditional country pub. He added: "Business is going well and Ithink a lot of the villagers who were unhappy, as I was, are now returning to the pub. "There was an element of surprise when people heard I was buying the pub but there's been a lot of support in the village and people appreciate what we're trying to do." Mr Platt is looking to put up old pictures and memorabilia of the village in the pub. Anyone with anything of interest can call the White Lion on 01675 442833.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: How do you get a drummer off your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza.

A guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, "Can I buy you a whiskey?" She thinks for a second and answers, "No, you can't. Whiskey is bad for my legs." He says, "That's a shame, do they swell?" The woman replies, "No, they open."

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

Are the arrows red or blue?

 

INTERNET SKITS

Bill Gates wants to send you money: You would be paid for every e-mail you forwarded. Grandparents and the mildly retarded fell for this one again and again. Most people forwarded it with a disclaimer saying they figured it was probably fake, but sent it around just in case. Jackasses. Gates himself is reportedly still pissed off about this one, as he sits atop his giant pile of money while wearing his suit made of $100 bills.

STAR WARS WEEKENDS

As reported last week, Disney's Star Wars Weekends is ramping up for the 2006 summer season at the Disney-MGM Studios in Florida, bringing with it a great new assortment of exclusives for Star Wars and/or Disney collectors. What follows is a checklist of what fans can expect to find at the park starting May 19:

• Skagen Darth Vader watch with resin helmet box, limited to 500
• SWW 2006 embroidered logo baseball cap with Imperial emblem
• SWW 2006 embroidered logo baseball cap with Darth Vader
• Messenger bag with Star Wars Weekends logo appliqué
• Rubber bracelet with Rebel Alliance logo icon
• Rubber bracelet with Imperial logo icon
• Keychain with 2006 SWW poster art
• Magnet with 2006 SWW poster art
• Ceramic mug with 2006 SWW poster art
• SWW 2006 logo tumbler
• Darth Vader Goofy Beanie
• Hero/Villain with lightsaber boxed pin set of 8, limited to 500
• Pin-on-pin saga scenes with SWW 2006 logo; eight different, sold
• Framed set of nine pins, including eight saga scene pin-on-pins and Yoda vs. Vader pin-on-pin; limited to 100
• Star Wars saga jumbo pin-on-pin, limited to 750
• SWW 2006 logo t-shirt, adult and youth sizes
• SWW 2006 polo with poster art appliqué
• SWW 2006 jacket with poster art appliqué
• SWW 2006 ladies t-shirt with glitter poster art
• SWW 2006 artwork poster by Russell Walks
• SWW 2006 coins; nickel, bronze, silver-plate, and gold-plate, sold individually
• SWW 2006 bundled coin set, consisting of coins listed above
• SWW 2006 pure silver coin
• Crystal Magic laser-engraved crystal presentation, 2006 SWW poster art; edition size of 50-75

And now for...

MOVIE BUZZ

The Break-Up: The third act was reportedly reshot because test audiences couldn't deal with Vince's and Jen's characters not winding up together. The problem: They apparently hated the happy ending too. With both on the DVD, you'll get twice the disappointment!

X-Men 3: The Last Stand: Watch for scattered chunks of the completely demolished Golden Gate Bridge in this behind-the-scenes video. And there are some really cool machines that spit fireballs. You simply cannot go wrong with fireballs. It's a fact: The more fireballs a movie has, the more awesome it is. What they should have done with The Break-Up is have Vince Vaughn shoot fireballs out of his eyes or something. Wicked.

The Da Vinci Code: This Da Vinci Code symbol game makes me feel dumb(er). I mean, I can't even figure out the rules: "Use your logic skills and drag the symbols onto the grid such that the symbols on each row are all distinct, and the symbols in each shaded region are all distinct. Some symbols may have already been placed and cannot be moved." What? How the heck am I supposed to understand these clips if I can't even play the damn game?

The Gospel According To Janis: Pink, the one person in the casting race who can actually sing, has dropped out, leaving Scarlett Johansson and Lindsay Lohan as the front-runners. I vote for Scarlett, if only because she's less likely to attempt a cover version of "Piece of My Heart."

And now for my review of The Wild.

A fake Lion King zoo-dweller fills his cub's head with stories of a glorious life in far-off Africa and ends up having to go there to retrieve his wayward son when the kid is accidentally shipped away. Yes, it's as boring as it sounds. Did Disney actually make this movie? Because it looks as though it was farmed out to some cut-rate 3-D animation sweatshop. I'm talking bland, poorly articulated, personality-free character design on the order of Hoodwinked and Doogal. Oh, you didn't see those two? Logan and I see every CGI animated movie that comes out. Hoodwinked and Doogal were great, but The Wild wasn't that funny. I didn't laugh once, but Logan did. Would your children be able to sit through and understand the early Disney masterpieces if they'd been filled with slang from their respective eras? So what hip cat decided to make sure a character in this one talks about "bling"? And to have animals talking in that played-out surfer-dude accent? Number of Lines Involving Jokes About Poop or Flatulence: I counted about five. It's not gross. It's not funny. It's lazy. What's good about this mess is Eddie Izzard as a defensive, constantly annoyed koala bear, the two Iguanas who were in it for a minute and the scenes in Times Square, one of my favorite places on the planet. My score from 1 to 10, The Wild gets a 7.

Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. Don't forget to check out my Webshots page at http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs . I added pictures from Easter. I will leave you with another random picture. Remember, spread the word and not the turd.

 

 

 

 

Something Wild

Sometimes I don't even move a muscle, baby when you lie awake at night, I think I've got nine lives in these corpuscles. Girl, you know sometimes I don't think right. I hear voices in the hall I wake up and its nothing at all, a hungry wolf, or an angry child, or something wild. Hello, how are you? Well folks, it's April 13th. Or as they call it at FEMA. April Fools Day! Did you see Cheney the other day? He threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home game. It was low and in the dirt -- kind of like his approval rating. ... Whose idea was it to use Cheney to throw out the first pitch? I mean, this guy's not known for his aim. President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It's called, 'Gasoline at $3 a gallon.' ... Given how expensive gas is, today, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it. Did you see that guy on the news who got arrested for jumping the fence and running toward the White House. Luckily, it was pretty easy for the cops to catch him. The guy stood out like a sore thumb. Right now, everyone in Washington is running away from President Bush. Outspoken actor Alec Baldwin told Elle magazine that he's so desperate for a Democrat to be the next president that he would go a month without sex if it meant a Democrat would win the White House. And today Bill Clinton called him a fanatic, a lunatic, part of that kook fringe left. He must be stopped. President Bush is denying that he's planning an air strike on Iran. So, you know what that means? He's planning an air strike on Iran. The White House celebrated Passover - that's when President Bush will take secret, classified document and pass it over to a reporter. Why can't President Bush leak us some information we can use? Like warn us when Dick Cheney's going hunting again.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can guess. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger."

A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

SHARPENING AXES

What’s fluffy and white and cottony soft? Tampons! And bunnies! That’s why this tampon Easter Bunny was such a natural. If he sticks around for your period, he’ll bring you some unfertilized eggs. Materials to make the Tampon Easter Bunny: Playtex tampon with pink plastic applicator, Two Tampax tampons, Hot glue gun, Utility knife or scissors, Wiggly eyes and Pipe cleaners. Remove Playtex tampon from applicator. Moisten slightly to expand and let dry. Save pink plastic applicator. Remove Tampax tampons from applicators. Hold tampon, pinching at each end, and pull to expand. Widen in the middle to create an “ear” shape. The string side should be on the back, while the “furrow” side should be on the front. Trim strings off bottom and top if necessary. To make the inside of the ears, take the plastic applicator from the Playtex tampon and use scissors or a utility knife to slice it into vertical strips. The tip of each strip should be one of the applicator “petals”; continue cutting till you reach the ridged base of the tube, then cut across. Round off the square bottom of each strip. Fill the length of each rabbit ear tampon with hot glue and press a plastic applicator strip into place, with the pointed end up and the curved part pointing out. Remove string from Playtex tampon and set it aside. Set the tampon “point” up. Use a generous amount of hot glue to attach ears, placing them inside the “creases” or folds of the tampon. Cut off the tip of one of the remaining pink plastic applicator “petals.” This triangular piece will be the nose. Hot glue it to the tip of the Playtex tampon. Hot glue the eyes in place. Cut the pipe cleaners into four two-inch pieces and hot glue into place on either side of the nose.  If you wish to hang the bunny as an ornament, hot glue the reserved string onto the back. And there, you have your Tampon Easter Bunny. Martha Stewart, eat your heart out.

WHAT?!

Take a look at this, there's a Cyborg named after me.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Ratings for the broadcast of the fifth new Doctor Who episode broadcast on Sci Fi in the US, World War Three, on April 7 have come in. The episode turned around a slight downward trend, rising over two-tenths of a ratings point to 1.42 on the household ratings, with an average viewing audience of 1.6 million viewers -- nearly equalling the number of viewers who turned into the broadcast three weeks before of "The End of the World" which had been (and remains) the show's highest rating so far. Ratings detail shows that the broadcast this week was also up 18% in the coverted men ages 18-34 bracket.

 

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

 

I’m confused: I actually find myself missing The Amazing Race 8. Actually, I just miss the cast, not the impossibly lame challenges and route. That’s because The Amazing Race 9 hasn’t won me over; I’m worried that the show has lost its magic. Perhaps I’m just in a bad mood, but I’m bored. I started looking back at the show’s funniest lines last season because the cast was so ridiculous, but after another episode like last night’s, this exercise of recapping the best lines will conclude. Nothing’s really surprising or really that funny any more, and last week’s episode was just as boring. I’m tired of Lake and Michelle’s dysfunctional relationship, of BJ and Tyler’s pretend wackiness, and Eric and Jeremy’s insufferable attitudes and unrelenting success.

DISNEY'S AMERICA

A 49-year-old woman from Germany died Wednesday after riding Walt Disney World's Mission:Space ride, the second death in less than a year associated with the signature thrill ride. The woman died at Florida Hospital Celebration Health, where she was taken Tuesday after becoming sick following the mock space flight at Epot, according to a statement released late Wednesday by the theme park. I was at work that day and they closed the ride for "technical difficulties". Yeah, right.

STAR WARS WEEKENDS

Speaking of Disney, starting May 19th, Star Wars Weekends will be starting again. Just like the last three years, I will be working it every weekend (during that time the phile will be updated on Sundays, not Thursdays). anyway, up til then and during I will be updating you with SWW news. Star Wars Weekends are almost here, and starting next month fans get to meet an impressive lineup of special guests attending four weekends of Star Wars fun at the Disney-MGM Studios in Florida. From May 19 to June 11, 2006, fans of all ages will converge to celebrate the heroes, villains, creatures and droids of the saga. In addition to Star Wars costumed characters, fun activities, and the Star Tours theme park ride, celebrity guests will be in attendance for meet-and-greet sessions, star conversations, and a classic Hollywood-style motorcade. Warrick Davis will be the first ever celebrity host for all four Star Wars Weekends. Davis was only 11 years old when he played the Ewok hero Wicket in Return of the Jedi. In Episode I, he played multiple roles, including that of Anakin's young friend Wald. May 19, 20 & 21: As a rare treat for fans, Producer Rick McCallum will be attending Star Wars Weekends to chat about his work behind the scenes on the prequels. A fan favorite from the classic trilogy, Peter 'I'm An Arsehole' Mayhew is no stranger to Star Wars Weekends. The towering Peter Mayhew played the loyal Wookiee Chewbacca in the original trilogy, and revisited the role in Revenge of the Sith. May 26, 27 & 28: Anakin Skywalker from Episode I will be making a return to Star Wars Weekends as Jake Lloyd joins the fun. Also there that weekend will be Episode III's Supervising Sound Editor Matthew Wood, the voice of the evil General Grievous. June 2, 3 & 4: Fans know Jay Laga'aia as the protective security officer Captain Typho in Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, while Bonnie Maree Piesse played Owen's girlfriend Beru in both Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. And damn, I think she's cute. June 9, 10 & 11: Jeremy Bulloch is known best for his role as the legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett inThe Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. He also made a brief cameo as Captain Colton in Revenge of the Sith. Temuera Morrison played Jango Fett in Attack of the Clones, and consequently his image was replicated over and over as the basis for the clone army. I will report more info on SWW as I get it weekely. May the Force be with you, and I hope to see you there.

INTERNET SKIT HAPPENS

Boycott gas companies for one day: Probably by now everyone's gotten this one in e-mail. It's a plea to strike back at oil companies for price gouging by declaring a one-day boycott at the gas pump. Yeah, that'll show them. Because then they won't get all the money you're going to spend filling up ... tomorrow.

 

GEEK TALK

Or you can file this under, Damn, I Wish Dad Was Alive For This. Peter Segal has come aboard to direct Shazam!, a movie adaptation of DC Comics' series featuring Captain Marvel, for New Line Cinema, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Segal also will produce, along with Michael Ewing, via their Callahan Filmworks banner.
The comic series focused on young Billy Batson, who becomes the superhero known as Captain Marvel when he utters the magic word "Shazam!" The name is an acronym for six gods and heroes of the ancient world as well as their attributes: the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules, the stamina of Atlas, the power of Zeus, the courage of Achilles and the speed of Mercury. Writers on the long-gestating project include William Goldman and Bryan Goluboff.

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

How many columns in this structure?

MOVIE BUZZ

Batman Begins 2: Robin Williams wants to be the Joker. I can actually see this working. He could be, like, this divorced guy who dresses up in a purple suit and weird makeup to fool his wife into letting him be her housekeeper so he can visit his kids.

Terminator 4: I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that Arnold's not gonna be in it. But if they try to do Kindergarten Cop 2 without him, there will be hell to pay, damn it!

X-Men 3: the Last Stand: What'll it take to get Internet fanboys to shut up about Brett Ratner? The first two trailers weren't enough. How about these action-packed TV spots? No? Fine — here's a sneak peek at Multiple Man.

Okay, that's all I have room for this entry. sorry, but I think I posted a lot, eh? I will leave you with a random picture. Have a good Easter and remember, spread the word, not the turd.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Expedition Peverett

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, or I like to call Expedition Peverett. Tomorrow Disney's new ride Expedtion Everest opens at the Animal Kingdom. It's a roller-coaster ride featuring the Yeti. A roller-coaster ride with a big scary monster? Are you sure this ride isn't based on my wife's life? Me being the monster and...never mind. You get it. The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. ... Homeland Security? We need home room security. ... This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration...today. This is why Republicans can't have sex scandals. They're just too creepy. The Democrats, they've got hookers, mistresses, interns, not girl scouts. A new book about Laura Bush claims Laura was reported being very critical of how Hillary Clinton decorated the White House. But, Bill Clinton didn't care what the furniture looked like. You gave him a desk and a chair and he was happy. Well, I am sad today. Katie Couric is leaving the 'Today' show. She said she listened to her heart and her gut. Meanwhile, Mike Wallace says he decided to leave '60 Minutes' after listening to his goiter and prostate. A typical morning at the "Today Show". Matt Lauer talking about news, Al Roker giving weather and Katie Couric packing her stuff. Last Saturday was April Fool's Day, and President Bush ... had a great April Fool's joke planned. He put out that old 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, did you hear this? Pop star Britney Spears is rumored to be having another baby. This could be the first time in history that the baby drives itself home from the hospital. So, who is excited about the Gators winning? Go Gators! Florida got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush. UCLA shot so badly they got a phone call from Dick Cheney. The Wall Street Journal reports that two million Americans got married because of someone they met online. The bad news, four million got divorced because of somebody they met online. In thw world of movies, Basic Instinct 2 made only $3 million over the weekend and came in at 10th place at the box office. I guess everyone's basic instinct is to not see it. Yesterday, at 1:02:03am the time and date was 01:02:03 04/05/06. This won't ever happen again. You may now return to the Phile.

SKIT HAPPENS

Over the years I have been known my friends, family and co-workers to be a skitter (prankster). So, I thought I would tell some of my favorite skits here on the Phile.

Cereal Box Switch
Remove the plastic bags from cereal boxes and switch them around. Your victim will scratch his head wondering why Cheerios came out of a box of Lucky Charms. 

Mail Box Prank
After the mail has already been delivered, fill the mail box with ping pong balls or packing nuts. Then ask someone else to go get the mail.

Lottery Ticket Swap
This one takes some pre-planning. All you have to do is buy someone a lotto ticket today and tomorrow go out early and buy another ticket with the exact same numbers as the winning ticket from yesterday. When the victim of your prank isn't paying attention swap the newer ticket with the old one. When the person looks in the paper for the winning numbers, he or she won't even realize the date is wrong on the ticket and will believe it is the big winner.

Bend Over Splits
Place a dollar bill on the floor and as people walk by and try to pick the dollar up, you stand nearby and tear a small piece of cloth. It will sound as if the victim of the prank actually split their pants and most of the time they will check their rear and leave in embarrasement.

Push or Pull
Print out some signs that read, "Push" and "Pull" and tape them to doors at your local stores. Make sure to place them on the wrong side. Then sit back and watch as people push when they are instructed to pull and vise versa

Shoe Polish Phone Prank
Coat the reciever of someone's phone with shoe polish and then give them a call. Instant gratification. Make sure you match the colors of the polish and the phone. Small amounts of shaving cream work too.

Upside Down Cup
Fill a cup with water about half way. Then place an index card over the cup. Then turn the cup upside down on your co-worker's desk. Finally, carefully slide the index card out from underneath the cup. Whenever your co-worker decides to pick the cup up, he will be drenched in water.

Bar Of Soap Lather Prank
Take some nail polish and coat a bar of soap with it. Let it dry. Then put it in the bathroom shower. When your victim tries to use it, he or she will go nuts trying to get it to lather up.

Ypto Ypto...errr!!! TYPO!
Be carefull with this one, as to not ruin the keyboard. All you have to do is simply and very carefully remove a few keys and switch them around. If your victim is one of those "look up and down" typers. He or she will be very confused while trying to get work done.

Okay, speaking of skits, with this entry I will start a new bit called...

INTERNET SKITS

It must be true. I read it on the internet." Au contraire, mon frere. Internet hoaxes have been around for as long as the internet itself, and we never run out of people willing to fall for them.  Neiman Marcus cookie recipe: This was an e-mail circulated in the early '90s claiming that a woman ended up having to pay $250 for a sweet Neiman Marcus treasure. She decided to take revenge by circulating the cookie recipe across the internet. It's posted on the Neiman Marcus website now. The recipe is really good. As far as I know, anyhow. I'm sure as hell not planning on making them. Takes up valuable beer room in the tummy.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Ratings for the broadcast of Doctor Who's fourth new episode, Aliens of London on Sci-Fi, its first US transmission, on March 31 are in. The episode had a 1.20 household rating with an average viewing audience of 1.5 million viewers, a slight drop from the previous week of 1.55 recorded for "The Unquiet Dead". The latest episode was down across the board; the show has experienceda total loss of 21% of household viewers and 16% in audience average since the first episode's transmission, although this was expected because of the curiosity from the episode's first broadcast. Meanwhile, for the rebroadcast of "The Unquiet Dead" immediately prior, 0.65 million viewers tuned in.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

I've been mad at myself for not reviewing 'The Amazing Race' here on the Phile, so let me catch up with that. Teams traveled from Moscow to Germany, and that’s when the product placement began. Danielle and Dani were eliminated. That, I suspect, made half of Eric and Jeremy upset and the other half very, very happy. They’ll probably begin the next leg of the race in a deep depression. Eric and Jeremy’s relentless boasting about banging Danielle and Dani at the pit stops. But according to Danielle and Dani, basically nothing happened between them. They didn’t even kiss. Instead, the D girls say that they used Eric and Jeremy’s horniness to their advantage. The two are still “rooting for the frat boys,” Dani tells TV Guide, because “they’re hard players and are really smart.” But that doesn’t change the fact that the frat boys also exaggerated their relationship on camera. Last night's episode was rather boring. Besides being completely free of Eric and Jeremy homoeroticism and horniness, watching their team and BJ and Tyler place first and second every week is getting old and increasingly irritating. There’s just no competition. If CBS keeps airing episodes like this, the time slot changes will do nothing for the ratings, alas. In any case, here’s my best effort to squeeze some juice out of this dry episode:

• “…definitely dumb, but people who are very dumb wind up having the best luck, a lot of the time. But eventually, dumb luck runs out,” BJ said. He was not, however, talking about himself, but about Eric and Jeremy.
• In one of those amazing moments where differences collapse, a stranger gave Monica and Joseph a map, and Joseph said, “I cannot believe these countries. I mean, here it is, five in the morning, and you stop somebody in the middle of nowhere. In the US, there is no way in hell I’d stop. I’d think I was about to get murdered.”
• “I really want to sleep about an hour or two,” Lake said. “Well, get over it,” Michelle said, and then made a sarcastic remark about how well he was doing that. Michelle is no Victoria; she fights back.
• In one of their less-irritating moments, BJ and Tyler made a fake sign-in sheet for a task that opened the next morning. As Eric and Jeremy puzzled over it and started to sign their names, either BJ or Tyler mocked the frat guys. Inside their car, they adopted the frat guys’ personas and said, “‘Do you think these guys just made the list?’ ‘No way, man, it says official.’”
• Phil says “amphitheater” like “am-pee-theatre.” Perhaps that’s the correct pronunciation, but it cracks me up.
• Lake earns the “Dumbest Comment of the Season” award. Michelle said, “I don’t even see a street sign. What am I supposed to recognize?” As if he was indicating a sign that would point them in the right direction, Lake said, “What is that thing right there?” Michelle told him that it was not a sign but “a school bus.” Lake said, “Damn.”
• Yolanda offered her strategy for good driving: “See, when I drive, I operate on the premise you do what you do, they do what they do, everybody will be okay; nobody wants to get hurt. So you can just drive as fast as you want.” Ray’s didn’t adopt her strategy, saying, “Pbblh. Yeah.”
• Adopting stupid Italian accents, Eric and Jeremy screamed “hey!”while BJ and Tyler yelled “buongiorno! buongiorno!” and “hey! pizza pie!” to people on the streets of Sicily, none of whom, regrettably, pulled out a gun and shot them and then buried them in cement.
• Here’s Eric and Jeremy’s idea of friendship. After agreeing to go with BJ and Tyler to their next destination, they took off. “Just go. Screw ‘em.”
• “Is this the best way for me to carry it?” Monica said of her huge fish, holding it with her arms outstretched. “Yeah,” Joseph said, carrying his fish the same stupid way. Within minutes, Monica was crying and in pain because the fish was so heavy.
• “I’m glad that you’re being unilateral in the decision making,” Lori said, marking the first time anyone has said “unilateral” on the race.
• With Monica freaking out, Joseph got upset, saying, “Come on, just tough it out for a minute. I’m gonna stab one of these locals through the head.” Well, there goes his international collegiality.
• Joseph read the clue but didn’t seem to care. “Drive yourselves to the town of Infrona-whatever,” he said. “Siracusa,” Monica replied. And Joseph said, “Whatever.”
• Barry’s back needs to be introduced to a razor or some Nads.
• “41. Is that correct?” Lake told a guy at a challenge. The guy said, “Correct.” And Lake celebrated: “Yes!” Then he realized that the guy had nothing to do with the race and was just screwing with him. Locals rule.
• Carrying her fish, Michelle said, “I have a three-year-oldchild who weighs 40 pounds. Surely I can carry a 35 pound swordfish.” Her child doesn’t have a huge sword, though, that she can use to stab her husband, which she almost did.
• “Oh, kiss me, darlin’! Boy, did we ever get lucky on that!” Lake said after Michelle spotted a sign. “No, I’m just very smart,” Michelle replied.
• “Hurry up, Jeremy! Go score, you pansy,” Eric said, probably not realizing that such comments would be aired at the same time the world would be looking at them in a different way.
• Phil’s ability to communicate nonverbally via his face had some competition from the local greeter standing next to him. Phil told Eric and Jeremy, “you guys stink,” and Jeremy said, “it’s a new cologne we’re trying out. It’s called Sword.” Right then, the greeter closed his eyes slowly and shook his head slightly as if to say, “Somebody please plunge a screwdriver into my temple.”
• Checking in last were Dave and Lori, the nerds. They’re very cute and still totally in love. Lori said, “Dave is the man of my dreams. I couldn’t ask for a better partner in life.” And just before saying “nerds rule,” Dave concurred, “I love Lori with all my heart, and you can’t buy that with a million dollars, you really can’t.” Sounds like the words of a man who just lost $1 million.

DISNEY'S AMERICA

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- A man in the Walt Disney World College Program has been arrested for possessing child porn. Thursday, police said, Theodore Wenden left his computer running with a child porn graphic on the screen at his Orange County home on Buena Vista Drive. Wenden's roommates called authorities and they arrested him. Wenden was interviewed and confessed. Seventy-two child porn images were found on his computer. I left my computer on with the Phile up, and I thought I was gonna get fired.

I HAVE A MIGRAINE

Which one is sitting?

FIND DAVE CHAPPELLE

BROKEN

50% off sushi every day? I'm not sure I want to eat there any day.

STRANGE LEGO CREATIONS

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: What's the worst thing about being an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasms.

Q: Are condoms tax deductible? A: Only if they don't work.

MOVIE BUZZ

Wonder Woman:  A fan site posted a story claiming that Kate Beckinsale had been cast as Wonder Woman. Apparently nobody noticed the April 1 date on the piece, and it's being picked up everywhere. Uh, it was a joke, people. Irony: Kate dressed up as Wonder Woman on Halloween.

Spider-Man 3: Answer: Mary Jane. At least according to the first probably-completely-made-up-by-a-fanboy synopsis. Don't feel sorry for Peter, though. He's got a much hotter babe lined up to help him grieve: Kate Beckinsale. Kidding!

United 93 Vs. World Trade Center: Audiences hate the trailer for United 93 so much that it was pulled from an NYC theater. But Universal's standing behind it. Will people be any more ready for Oliver Stone's WTC in August? Doubt it — they're still recovering from Alexander.

Charlotte's Web: You know who scares the holy living bejeebers out of me? Dakota Fanning. Nothing against her or anything, but I'm pretty sure that kid is the spawn of the devil. Need proof? Look at this picture. It screams, "Hee! Hee! Hee! I'm going to eat your soul!" That said, this trailer is pretty cute.

Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties: I'd rather eat a box of kitty litter than watch this trailer again.

Dallas:The Movie: The director quit when they cast Jessica Simpson. A little late. I would have bailed after I read "Dallas: The Movie" on page one.

Baywatch: The Dallas guy doesn't dig her, but the director of Baywatch has no problem replacing Pamela Anderson with Jessica. One man's trash is another man's treasure …

A now for the teaser of the week: The Simpson's Movie. Yeah, for real, people!

Well, I think that's just about wraps it up for another edition of the Phile. Don't forget to check out the Peverett Phile's webshots page at  http://community.webshots.com/album/527540184iyFFCs. I posted a bunch of pictures from our trip to Sea World last week. I will leave you with a random picture as usual. And remember, spread the word, not the turd.