Slavery Gets Shit Done

Hello, and welcome to the Phile, the web's most updated blog. Last Sunday I got my first tattoo which was my son Logan's signature. You could see pictures of me getting it done on the Phile's Myspace site. Much to my wife's and nieces chagrin, I didn't flinch or cry like a big fat baby. They were hoping for Youtube material. After getting my tat, I did something really manly: I went to play mini golf. I got some bad news today: For the fifth time in a row, I was not selected to compete in “Dancing With the Stars.” They told me I could be on “Fat March.” Hotel billionaire Leona Helmsley passed away earlier this month after, I think, a girl in red slippers dumped a pail of water on her head. She left $12 million to her dog. Today, Larry Birkhead claimed to be the father of that dog. Today's the last day of August. The summer just flew by like a Nicole Richie jail sentence. Conservative Sen. Larry Craig pled guilty to playing footsie with an undercover police officer in the men’s room at the Minneapolis airport. Now he said he made a mistake. He shouldn’t have pled guilty. The police report says he tapped his foot, which means “I want gay sex.” It also means I’ll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again. There’s a new study that says people can retain an active sex life well into their 80s. Apparently old people get it on how they drive . . . go slow, run out of gas, can’t remember your name . . . Sex well into their 80s . . . Good news for Aston Kutcher. Another thing that has come out this week. Seniors spend more time in front of a computer than young people. Which I believe, actually, because it takes them so long to turn it on. Do you know how I turn on my computer? I lick it. Not such a great week for Atlanta. They’re considering banning baggy pants. The pants drag too low and expose too much. Apparently Atlanta politicians are worried about the crack problem. Not such a great week for Brazil. Vampire bat attacks on cattle have reached a record high. Cows are being attacked by vampires. I think we know where Bob Barker went for retirement. Not such a great week for Beyonce. Apparently a crowd at a Toronto concert got a look at Beyonce’s boobies. Beyonce jumped off some stairs just as a gust of wind blew her dress up. Or as I call it — perfect storm. There’s a new study that came out. It says breaking up isn’t hard to do. You should always consider where you get relationship advice from. Should you be getting relationship advice from scientists? Scientists are pasty, pear-shaped mouse torturers . . . what do they know about relationships? On last week's entry of the Phile, I forgot to add the "Today In History" pheature. The one pheature that I've been doing for over a year, I forgot to do. Guess
the hangover from the night before got to me. 

UNLUCKIEST MUSICIANS

Somewhere over Massachusetts is a bird that apparently doesn't care for '80s pop. At a 2004 radio concert in Mansfield, Cyndi Lauper was doused with a blob of bird poop while reaching for the high note in her classic hit 'Money Changes Everything.' The fowl fecal critique landed directly in Lauper's open mouth, but the Brooklyn-born rocker simply wiped her tongue on her sleeve and kept on singing.

R.I.P.

Hilly Kristal, the founder of legendary New York punk club CBGB: Godspeed, Hilly. Say hi to Joey, Dee Dee, & Johnny.
Richard Jewell: Talk about a guy getting a raw deal in life...

ASK PEVERETT

Q: Jason what is the maximum age for driving the Florida Turnpike south of St. Lucie? Is it true that above that age, they force you onto I-95? A: 200 give or take 3 years and no, they aren't forced onto I-95, they just kinda drift over there.

SEARCH ENGINE

It's a good thing she is cute, she can always find work as a stripper.
Cut and paste: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww 

TODAY IN HISTORY

1859
At the University of Göttingen, PhD candidate Albert Niemann isolates the alkaloid C17H21NO4 from leaves of the plant Erythroxylum coca. Niemann names his white, powdery discovery "cocaine" and observes firsthand its peculiarly strong anesthetic effect: "it benumbs the nerves of the tongue, depriving it of feeling and taste."
1974
153 passengers are killed and 60 injured when a Belgrade - Dortmund express train jumps the tracks pulling into Zagreb terminal at full speed. It is Yugoslavia's worst rail disaster.

NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

SLUG BITES MAN: A horrified camper woke up dripping in blood — as a vicious SLUG chewed his head. John Wilson thought a wasp had stung him and shrieked when he pulled the brown slimer off his brow. It had left puncture wounds as it gnawed his skin with 27,000 tiny teeth. John, 38, said yesterday: “It was like something from a horror story. Never in my worst nightmares did I dream I would find my forehead being eaten by a slug.” The lecturer, of Acton, West London, was on a fishing trip to Papercourt Lake near Esher, Surrey. Experts said it was probably a foreign slug with longer teeth. Jackie Smithson, who lectures for The Plant Society, said: “It maybe travelled here on some fruit and managed to make its way to the lake.”Our fun picture shows how it might have looked on John’s head. Britain is facing a slimewave of 15 billion slugs as numbers have doubled in the wet summer.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

GEEK TALK

Apparently neither Christian Bale nor Brandon Routh are doing Warner Bros.' Justice League movie. Does that leave the studio desperate to find replacements? Not according to IESB, which always seems to have the best scoops before everyone else (to paraphrase The Joker: Where do they get these wonderful sources?). The movie site, which also broke the news that Stephen Sommers would direct G.I. Joe, claims Tom Welling is filling the cape of Superman in Justice League. This should be good news to a lot of "Smallville" fans -- as my comic-obsessed buddy says: "That's who they should have gotten in the first place [for Superman Returns]" -- but it hasn't been confirmed yet, so no celebrating just yet. Still, IESB seems more sure of this rumor than any the site has ever announced. They admit over there that they haven't gotten a reply from Welling's people and that the WB people have denied it, but they're still positive that it is true, because of the sources they've heard it from. Supermanhomepage.com got an official response from "Smallville" producer Al Gough, who said this casting "hasn't happened, won't happen, he is under contract to "Smallville" through Season 8." But IESB has recognized this debunking and still isn't backing down. The site insists Welling has the role and even points out that "Smallville" may even revolve production around the movie's shoot. As for Bale's replacement, IESB claims to also know who's playing Batman but doesn't have a good enough amount of sources to reveal it. Meanwhile, CHUD has a sarcastic response to the whole thing. The site has a joke post up claiming that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson (poor guy) have been cast in the movie, the former as Batman and the latter as Superman. The post also brings back the old floater that Jack Black would be Green Lantern. Of course, CHUD is obviously making fun of IESB and wonder if they could get a lot of hits by just making up casting rumors, such as Jamie Bamber as Superman and Gerard Butler as Aquaman. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if IESB's latest, including the tip that Justice League will only be partially motion capture (like every other fantasy movie these days), is true.

MOVIE BUZZ

Sweeney Todd
On the one hand, stories say the horror musical's so gory that Tim Burton's been told to cut back on the blood. On the other hand, the film is now going to have a wide release at Christmastime and even has a new poster. I have the perfect promo item for them: holiday stockings withcut-off feet stuck in 'em.
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
I'm not saying that the gory, age-restricted trailer for the sequel is too violent, but after watching the warring ETs impale, disembowel and blow the heads off of the residents of a small town, I really started feeling bad for how piñatas must feel.
The Incredible Hulk
An enterprising University of Toronto student took some photos of Army trucks and a Hulk-smashed NYPD vehicle while the campus was doubling as New York City. Even smarter, the kid used the picture of the crushed car for his physics homework to figure out the force a giant green fist would need to cause the damage.
Night at the Museum 2
Ben Stiller's asked the screenwriters to make the sequel "funnier" and set it in a different museum. Hey, I got an idea. Why don't they send Stiller to one of those "science museum" places so he can have his hair stand up on end in the static electricity exhibit? That's always funny. Right?
Speed Racer
According to a blab-happy Susan Sarandon, the Wachowski brothers are using a new process where all the action onscreen is in focus like in a cartoon. Hey, as long as the story has more focus than The Matrix Revolutions and The Invasion, they can shoot it any damn way they want.
The Man of Steel
The latest plot rumor says Supes will square off against three villains: a brand-new supervillain from Krypton, a returning Lex Luthor and classic comic-book bad guy Brainiac. Yeah, like the triple-villain thing worked so well for Spider-Man 3.
Faces of Death
That remake of those '80s cult death videos is getting closer to production, and there's even a script all ready for it. The most shocking thing about this new version: that they bothered to write a script in the first place.
The Fast and the Furious 4
The Edmunds car-enthusiast website broke the story that the sequel will (a) take place in Rio; (b) team up prior series stars Paul Walker, Vin Diesel and Tyrese Gibson; and (c) put Diesel behind the wheel of a 1987 Buick GNX. Not sure what Walker and Gibson will be driving, but I'm hoping for a '73 Gremlin and a '69 Pinto.
The Happening
A Philadelphia news blog has leaked the plot to M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller, so if you don't want to hear the spoiler, don't read any further. But apparently, it's all about a virus that causes people to commit suicide. Didn't that guy already do that to his career by making Lady in the Water?
Banzai Shadowhands
"The Office" star Rainn Wilson says he's writing and will star in a film about an alcoholic ninja. If it has at least one scene of a drunk Wilson hitting himself in the groin with a pair of nunchucks, I'm so there on opening weekend.
Control
The trailer for the biopic about post-punk bandleader Ian Curtis of Joy Division, who suffered from epilepsy, is appropriately dark and moody, and the soundtrack brings me right back to my old club-going days. Although, at the time I was told my dancing style was often mistaken for having a seizure.
Daybreakers
The first publicity still from the upcoming vampire flick features hero Ethan Hawke holding his weapon of choice: a stake-shooting crossbow. Believe it or not, the film's actually a sequel to one of Hawke's earliest hits, but producers decided to not go with the original title: Undead Poets Society.

Well, that's it for another entry of the Phile. This weekend I am planning on getting my next tat: my dad's autograph. Until then, spread the word, not the turd.