'Tis The Season To Be Horny

Hello, happy holidays, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. December 7th, Pearl Necklace...I mean Harbor Day. It’s that time of the year. Everyone loves being home for the holidays. Well maybe not USC. Thirty people in New Jersey are sick from ecoli after eating at a Taco Bell. As a result they took the ecoli taco off the menu. As a result, Taco Bell is changing their slogan from 'Think Outside the Bun' to 'Puke Outside the Store'. Hillary Clinton is getting ready to campaign in Iowa. She will be campaigning non-stop for the next two years. How will Bill manage being home alone all that time? The other night, the Billboard Music Awards aired without co-hosts Paris Hilton and Britney Spears -- who backed out at the last minute. Luckily, the banter that had been written for Paris and Britney sound just as good coming from a lamp and a stapler. Paris Hilton said the jokes that were written for her were insulting to her peers. Paris' exact quote was 'I'm standing up for skanks everywhere.' Speaking of Britney, she turned 25 this weekend. I hope she got something useful for her birthday. Underpants perhaps. Britney’s pal Lindsay Lohan has been, according to her publicist, she has been going to AA meetings. Doesn’t anyone recognize the fact that the second word of AA is Anonymous? Lohan wasn't planning on attending the meeting - but when she woke up, that's where she'd parked. NASA announced plans to build a space station on the moon. When asked where on the moon they would put the space station, a spokesperson for NASA said, 'Between the two Starbucks.' According to a new study, children figure out the truth about Santa Claus between the ages of three and six. Although, the study says that the age is much later for some U.S. Presidents. According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly does not lead to doing much of anything. Scientists say they have discovered a cure for erectile dysfunction that involves only one needle injection into the penis. A spokesperson for men said, 'Get back to us when it requires zero injections in the penis'. It’s amazing every year how some toys that were popular the year before just disappear. Like today at the store I saw an Elmo doll in the corner tickling himself. The movie piracy comes from being a big business in Asia. You can buy new movies on any street corner, just like that, for pennies. And you can get the knockoffs of American toys ... A lot gets lost in translation though. I saw the Tickle Me Elmo called 'Touch Me on Red Parts to Make Me Happy' doll. Three schools are currently in the running for the George W. Bush library. I understand that the loser will get the library. This year White House Christmas decorations include several 10-foot-tall nutcrackers. Apparently, this was the biggest nutcracker at the White House since Hillary Clinton was first lady. Several months after taking over the CBS Evening News, CBS says that Katie Couric has decided to make some adjustments to improve ratings. I think she's getting desperate because the first thing Katie wants to do is hire Matt Lauer and Al Roker. Madonna is going to have a special. It’s called 'What Child Is This…and How Much Does it Go For?' I found a great gag gift. Oakland Raiders tickets! For the first time in 20 years the U.S. citizenship exam is getting a makeover. A new test. For Mexicans there will be two parts. A written exam and an obstacle course, swimming and jumping. Man, it's so cold right now. It's colder than President Bush on Jeopardy. It's was so cold penguins are following Morgan Freeman around when he talked. It was so windy out I saw a Kia go uphill.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

The Amazing Race 10 has its final three teams, and one of them is an all-female team, the first time in 10 seasons we’ve ever had two women together in the final three. Next week is the one-hour finale—only an hour this year instead of the typical two-hour extended finale. While the funnier teams have been systematically eliminated, there will probably be enough to keep us entertained as they race home to the US. The penultimate episode certainly had plenty of fun moments: Giving the blondes some competition in the stupidity department, Kimberly looked out her window and said, “I hate how there’s so many dogs out here. Oh, those are lambs.” Rob corrected her, and she said, “Goats. Well, I saw the horns and I knew it was a goat.” Or a devil-dog. Introducing the Roadblock, Phil walked by a market stall that had camel heads dangling out front. Apparently Phil bought one before filming that segment, and stored it in his white pants. Later, he was wearing the same plants, and the camelhead was clearly gone. From the Conversations We Wouldn’t be Surprised to Learn Tyler and James Have Had Before Department: Tyler: “First thing you have to do, grind all your meat. Use that thing to jam it all in there.” James: “It’s coming, it’s just not fast, you know?” As crazy Rob was running down the streets of Casablanca, looking psychotic, he threw his hands up in the air and said, “Help!”—as if anyone would stop to help such a scary freak. “I would rather have that than Christmas presents for the next five years,” one of the blondes said about getting on a flight before the other teams. I’m not sure we’ve ever witnessed backseat eating on The Amazing Race before, but at the Casablanca Roadblock, there was plenty, thanks to Karlyn. As Lyn ate camel meat, she told Karlyn, “It’s hot. He just took it off the fire.” Karlyn didn’t care: “You just need to hurry up.” Lyn replied, “I can’t just swallow hot food,” but again, Karlyn kept trying to tell her how to masticate: “You gotta move quicker. You can’t be chewing and contemplating. Are you serious? Are you in the race, too?” Lyn finally said, “I’m racing; if you could shut the hell up, I could do better.” The blondes, facing a 30-minute penalty unless they checked in first, asked the former drug-addict models, “If it came down to a foot race,” “if you guys could just maybe trip?” But one of the guys said, “There’s no way I’d lay down for them.” In Spain, the teams got a chance to pull out the most popular word in The Amazing Race Phrasebook: Rapido. At least it’s actually a Spanish word. Tyler explained his team’s strategy, which involved following the blondes around: “We’re going to tail them to the end and guarantee ourselves a spot in the final three. Love it.” Ordering a cab, Rob said to his girlfriend, “Kimberly, go ask that guy on the phone. Just go talk to him, babe. Flirt. Use your sexuality.” Sell your body if you can, because you could use the extra cash. Rob and Kimberly’s attitude is apparently contagious. Karlyn has been getting increasingly bitchy, tellingLyn, “Whatever,” when Lyn talked to her about getting a cab. “We’re not going to work together, we may as well go home,” Lyn said. Introducing the Detour, Phil said one of those lines that makes perfect sense in context, but sounds utterly ridiculous later: “Once they become a giant, they must walk more than a mile among city streets.” Best. Detour. Ever. While Dustin and Kandice wandered the streets of Barcelona dressed in giant costumes, Rob and Kimberly had to search through a pile of tomatoes, during which they had a meltdown—and a crowd of people threw tomatoes at them! It’s like we got to participate in the task. Kimberly gave up, ran away, and Rob screamed, “Way to cry. I can’t believe you, just because you’re getting hit by a couple of tomatoes.” But they went back, and many people continued to bean Kimberly on the head with tomatoes; tragically, no one hit Rob in the teeth. In a race first, a teammate behaving badly apologized for her actions. “It’s just the stress that gets to you, and I don’t handle it well,” Karlyn told Lyn. “And I apologize for that.” After checking in first, Rob started crying, saying “It would just mean a lot to me to win.” Then he finished the sentence by saying, “I want to win a million dollars for a start at a family with this amazing woman. I want to marry her. It would be a start to a life together.” The tragic thing about this speech, besides the fact that it totally worked on Kimberly even though Rob’s an ass, is that it seemed designed to soften us—in preparation for a Rob and Kimberly win next week? “Congratulations, you are the first all-female team to make it into the final three in the history of The Amazing Race,” Phil told Lyn and Karlyn. That’s great for them, but kind of sad that it took 10 seasons for that to happen. As it turned out, the blondes checked in last, so their 30-minute penalty didn’t even apply. They said something about hoping to have excised the stereotype about pageant girls adjusting their tiaras, but I was too busy lamenting the loss of their good looks.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1941: A Day That Will Live In Infamy. 1982: Texas murderer Charlie Brooks in becomes the first person executed in the United States by that newfangled lethal injection. 1982: Armenian earthquake kills 100,000. 1987: David Burke, a recently fired airline employee, stalks his ex-boss onboard a Pacific Southwest Airline jet. He shoots the man in mid-flight and causes the plane to crash, killing all 43 people on board. 1993: Colin Ferguson opens fire on the Long Island Railroad, killing 6 and injuring 17 others. His attorney William Kunstler tried to use a "black rage" defense, but Ferguson fired him and represented himself. What resulted was a bizarre proceeding of Ferguson claiming innocence and that he was a "patsy" of the government. The trial ended with six consecutive life sentences. 1995: Disgruntled postal employee John Pitney arrives at his Denver workplace in a dress and is placed on administrative leave. Pitney returns later that day in the same dress but sporting a strap-on dildo and gorilla mask. He is arrested. God bless America and God bless the US Postal Service.

BROKEN

It may look innocent enough, but check out the warning on Hasbro's FurReal Friends Butterscotch Pony: "Adults take note: Pony comes unassembled in box with head detatched. You may wish to not open the box around your children if they may be frightened by a box with a decapitated horse inside." Don't buy them The Godfather DVD, either, I guess.

UNFORTUNATE STAR WARS COSTUMES

Oh man, looks like Chewie got into the grape juice again! He's going to be up all night.

HEROES

Promos for this "fall finale" promised a stunning climax and that "a hero will die." Show creators can't be held accountable for, shall we say, the exuberance of the network publicity machine, but we do get a great episode this time that lives up to the hype. Bear with me, I kind of went overboard this week, with what I'll have to call an overly-extended review, but hey, it's the last episode until January 22nd anyway. Feel free to skim, my feeling won't be hurt. Claire's Dad initially matches her honesty by revealing that he's known about her ability all along. Before tonight ends the new bond between them is turned on its head. That impressed me. HRG has become one of the most complex and interesting characters on the show. By the way, it's cool when characters actually communicate with each other; that then adds more conflict. It's great to see that happen again and again in this episode, as characters come together and talk about what they know, and to try and figure out just when the fuck is going on. An interesting plot point came up in that early scene between them, when HRG says there are others like Sylar out there; others who would want to kill Claire and people like her. Not necessarily people with Sylar's same ability and agenda, I don't think (but maybe) but definitely more enemies on the horizon. Claire thinks that is what is happening later, but the enemy is closer to home. Fascinating to see HRG switch so smoothly from loving father in one scene to ice cold interrogator in the next scene with Sylar, threatening to take Sylar apart like one of his own "timepieces" and see what makes him tick. Later, you can see the pride in HRG's eyes when Claire holds her own against FBI Audry's questioning. He even allows her to talk to Peter alone, an example of the newfound trust between father and daughter, I thought. But the truth is that he already knows he's going to take all those memories away from her. It's especially hurtful to her when she discovers her only friend Zach's memories of her were stolen. That's moot. Claire will have to rediscover everything, which is a huge and depressing setback. Her father believes he is doing this to protect her, but it's still chilling. Especially when "the Haitian" says that he has wiped out Claire's mom's memories over and over again. Maybe that accounts for Mrs. Bennet's rather dazed demeanor much of the time. The fallout from saving the cheerleader ends up driving more of the heroes to Odessa. Parkman and Hanson follow up on this latest Sylar sighting. Nathan flies down to bail out Peter. Hiro and Ando meet Isaac the artist. Hiro's so enthused about the encounter, he flashes him the traditional greeting of Vulcans, which he finds appropriate. Isaac might be thinking, "Uh oh, fanboy alert," judging from his initial expression. Loved the "bitches and dogs" exchange about cops and fidelity between Parkman and his FBI partner, Hanson. Hanson's finally showing a bit of her personal side, which is no less tough, but a little less cynical than her professional persona. She gives Parkman some much-needed marriage advice: work at it, if you want to save it. Funny and cool scene when Parkman uses his abilities on Peter, and Peter adopts the ability and they start a feedback thought-reading loop, much to Agent Hanson's confusion. Later, when Hanson slips up and has that nice thought about Parkman, he reads it, much to her embarrassment. That's funny too.
Jessica clips D.L. in the shoulder and blows out his tires, which has to mean she didn't want him dead, as she later explains to Niki. She's killed enough already, that it wouldn't be an accident that she only winged him. There's a funny moment, when she passes a mirror and sees Niki staring out at her with deep concern. Jessica says, "What're you looking at?" Later Niki and Jessica have a power struggle. "You're part of me," say Niki, "you do what I say." "It doesn't work that way," replies Jessica. But if Niki learns to harness her Jessica side, then maybe she can join the ranks of the other heroes. When Jessica hurts Micah, Niki seems able to drive her evil sister away, at least for the moment. The entire family ends up in Peter's New York vision, so evidently they are essential in some way too, though they still seem furthest away from the macro-concerns of the other characters, thoroughly mired in their own problems. Heh. Finding out that one cheerleader is dead, Hiro and Ando re-debate "save the cheerleader, save the world." Is it the if, then statement that Hiro , as the one whose future-self said it, claims it is; or an and statement like Ando assumes? Since so many fans have discussed this slogan for weeks, and NBC sure attempted to wring the hell out of it in promos, I found it hilarious watching two characters on the show splitting hairs and trying to parse the sentence for every possible interpretation. Hiro, seems to sum it up in the end when he says, "Never mind," and "Get back on mission." There is an atomic blast to stop. Destiny calls, and Ando sensibly wishes that destiny would lose their number. Peter and Claire get to talk and Claire finds out for the first time that she's not alone. A short-lived peace for the benighted cheerleader, I know. She initially thinks that Peter's power is identical to hers. When she finds out it isn't, and that Peter expected he'd probably be killed by the fall, she's amazed. "Kind of stupid, huh?" says Peter. Peter has made a valuable ally out of a grateful HRG, seemingly. But you can never tell with ol' Mr. Bennet. Besides answering questions for each other, and the audience, a lot of new questions are raised. Hiro asks a big one. When the Artist tells him about his mural of an "exploding man," Hiro asks, "How do you stop an exploding man?" And he's soon got other worries to pile on top of that. Like how to find the sword in the Artist's painting, and how to avoid the Butterfly Effect if he has to go Jurassic and fight a dinosaur. Eden, early on, proposes to HRG that she could make Sylar kill himself. The unseen higher-ups, evidently, want Sylar alive, as higher-ups generally do with very powerful evil beings in these type of situations. HRG is tempted, at least, to let her do it. The Haitian isn't just the strong silent type, he's actually mute, according to what Eden says in that scene. But he speaks to Claire later, of course. Maybe he only speaks in special circumstances. The Haitian seems to have two powers: the ability to block abilities, but also the amnesia power. At least one other character (besides Sylar, who steals abilities) has more than one power, and that's Peter who has precognitive dreams in addition to his mimic power. Not insignificantly, the Haitian's dampening power isn't absolute. Parkman is able, with great effort, to break through and pick up the name Sylar from him. Before attempting to deal with Sylar. Eden frees Isaac to try to allow him to effect the future. A lot of viewers have suggested they thought Eden has her own agenda. Unfortunately her attempt to avenge Chandra Suresh's murder appears to be the end of her. Damn! And I thought it would be bad if Sylar got Claire's ability! Now he has If he had Eden's whispering power, how do they stop that? I'm not sure how or why Sylar's abilities happened to return right at that moment so he could smash the glass and attack Eden. Did he have his abilities all along, and was he just pretending earlier with HRG until he could get close enough to Eden to steal her ability? The show ends with Peter's revelatory vision, which was obscure enough to be interpreted many ways. Besides the fact that we see the downside of Peter's mimicry (does he absorb Radiation Man's ability and can't control it?) the other thing I though was significant was seeing Claire mouth the words "I'm sorry" to him. Who knows, at this point, what she did to be sorry for. Can't wait to find out. Meanwhile I'd love to hear theories. By the way, if you're having trouble keeping names and faces straight, Wikipedia has a detailed character list, with photos. Very helpful, and a lot easier to load and navigate than the official NBC site. Lots of minor characters are included there, such as, Jackie Wilcox, aka the "other cheerleader." My thanks to Pete who pointed out some things I might have misinterpreted in watching the show and preparing this overly-long review. According to Pete, Jessica did try to kill D.L. (it would seem) with her second shot, and he used his power to make her third shot pass harmlessly through himself, though that doesn't explain why she just wounded him in the shoulder with her first shot.

THERE IS A GOD

Britney is pantless

MOVIE BUZZ

Spider-Man 4: Tobey Maguire doesn't want to do any more Spider-Man movies. What, you're going to protest and refuse to see No. 4 if they recast with somebody like Jake Gyllenhaal? Yeah, right.

He-Man: The second live-action adaptation is dead. Now we'll never know if our hero ever got to second base with Teela. And what of Adam's twin sister, Adora, and the nefarious Evil-Lyn and endearingly incompetent Beast Man? You know, Man-at-Arms was a totally underrated supporting character. Wait — have I said too much?

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Great — just when I think my new Prius is the niftiest hybrid out there, the Fantastic Four have to go out and get a proton-powered Fantasticar.

Christ, the Man: The dude who made Showgirls, Robocop and Starship Troopers is risking death threats to make a movie theorizing that Jesus may have been a regular ol' dude and not the Son of God. Call it The Rehashin' of the Christ.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End: You know who's awesome at bootlegging really weird photos of Keira Knightley in Oriental pirate costumes? The Russians.

Wild Hogs: The trailer has Tim Allen, John Travolta, William H. Macy and Martin Lawrence decked out in Village People-meets-Hell's Angels leather duds. Warning — you can't unwatch this clip. It's an image that will be burned into your brain forever.

Well, that's about it for another entry. Only three more or so in 2006 to go. We have a lot of Christmas shopping to do this weekend, as well going to try and see Unaccompanied Minors which I will review next week. In the meantime, spread the word and not the turd. I leave you with a random picture with a holiday theme.